Hola from OBX

Just checking in. We left for our beach vacation on Sunday so I'm trying to get in as much relaxation time as I can.

I'm still taking the Provera pills and should finish those on Thursday. I'm starting to get crampy and like AF is coming any minute. I'm REALLY hoping my doctor was right and we timed it for AF to come when I get back.

I brought enough tampons to handle a massacre so I'm prepared just in case BUT I was also stupid.

I'm relying on my RE being correct about Day One being Monday or Tuesday so I didn't bother packing my Del Estrogen shots or my Estrace pills.

If Day One happens to be while we're here - I'm screwed.

I didn't receive my new FET protocol before I left so hopefully it's waiting for me when I get home. I'm sure it's the same as the last one so I can pretty much figure it out on my own. I'm thinking estimated transfer will be somewhere around September 15th.

That's it for now!

Putting Things In Perspective

I just read a story that gave me one of those "slap in the face" feelings.

I can't get it out of my head.

A fellow blogger (The Tale of Two Coins)who has been TTC for over a year found out she's pregnant on August 9th. Her husband died unexpectedly this week. He was only 31.

When you hear something like that, it makes you evaluate your own life and relationships. For me, it sort of put things in perspective.

As hard as infertility has been, I know I still have alot to be thankful for:

* I don't have any major health problems
* I have a good job that provides food on my table and allows me to enjoy life
* I have a roof over my head
* I have a great husband who is my best friend
* I have a supportive and loving family
* I have the option to do infertility treatments
* I have the strength to move forward, even when things are tough
* I have the courage to face my fears of the unknown, regardless of the outcome

As important as having a baby is to me, my husband and my family are more important and I can't imagine what she must be going through.

How about you? What are you guys thankful for?

It's A New Day!

... with some good news!

I did some thinking last night and decided there was no sense in waiting for AF to come - I might as well just suck it up and push forward.

Beach or no beach.

So, I called my nurse coordinator today to make sure I understood my conversation with my RE yesterday.

I'm going to start on a 7-day Provera cycle this Friday and then I should get my period about 4 days after I finish the pills.

The pros?

I get to skip the birth control pills after AF which means I could start the next FET cycle as soon as September 2nd.

And, it sounds like AF may not get to come on vacation after all.

The cons?

I've never been on Provera so I'm not sure what to expect? Has anyone taken it? Am I going to be miserable next week?

Anyway, I am super excited that I can get started on the next cycle so soon.

Here's to Round #3!

Cancelled

I got cancelled this morning. My lining increased slightly but not enough.

My RE mentioned she suspects I may have gotten a bad batch of estrogen? That worries me a little. How often does THAT happen?

She was going to give me a shot of Provera today to induce my period but I didn't want it for the beach next week so we're going to wait until I get back.

If I happen to get it naturally while I'm gone, I'll have to start bc pills again for 3 weeks.

I thought I was prepared for the news this morning and I did OK while I was there.

And, then, I got to work and started bawling at my desk. I thought it was best if I worked from home the rest of the day. No one wants to deal with that.

Plus, I'm not a good crier. My eyes stay bloodshot for hours, although they do turn an awesome shade of blue. :)

I'm really beginning to wonder if this is ever going to work for me. I know we all go through this and I'll probably feel better tomorrow but it's so fucking unfair right now.

It makes the ectopic sting all that much more. I had it and would've had a kid by now. I know it's not good to think about the past and what could've been but how can I not?

It's also hard not to blame myself - even though I know it's just medicine and biology. I feel like I failed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard - for all of us.

On the brightside, at least I get to drink at the beach.

D-Day

Tomorrow is D-Day. Or, should I say L-C (Lining Check) Day?

I find out if my lining has cooperated or if I get cancelled.

McGyver wasn't available for comment so I had to figure out the blue pills on my own.

I thought I came up with an ingenious plan. I got a yeast infection kit and used the applicator.

I got everything prepared, put the pill in the little cup and thought "I am so smart!"

Uh..... not so smart because it worked about as well as a boat with a hole.

I couldn't get the stupid pill to come out.

If my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have been horrified.

Seeing me all hunched over, shaking this applicator with my pants around my ankles.

Since I'm not a gymnast and didn't want to risk breaking my neck by standing on my head, I had to resort to.... well, you probably figured it out.

So, who knows if they're working? Or, if they're even where they should be?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

Pills for my coochie?

I called my RE this morning to make sure I had the right prescription.

I do.

But, I'm taking them in the wrong way.

I'm supposed to insert the pills vaginally.

Say Whhaaattttt?

It had to have been the funniest conversation to overhear.

Me: I picked up my prescription last night and it's pills. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake.

Nurse: No mistake. You need to take them vaginally.

Me: But, it's just a little blue pill.

Nurse: Yes, I know.

Me: And, I wasn't given any "tools".

Nurse: Yes, I know.

Me: I just want to clarify - this is the same prescription that I had for my IVF cycle and I took them orally. Now, you're saying they also double as coochie pills?


So, how in the hell am I supposed to get a little blue pill the size of baby asiprin "up there"?

I'd need hands as big as Kareem Abdul-Jabar's.

I know!

This sounds like a job for McGyver! If he can fashion a bomb out of mayonnaise and tampons, surely he can get a little blue pill in my who-ha!

Wish me luck.... I'm goin' in!

Crap

I had my appointment this morning and I'm at risk for cancellation. My lining is still around 6.0 - so basically, it's exactly the same as Monday. I'm just not responding to the shots for some reason.

My RE said there's one more thing we can try - estradiol vaginal suppositories 2 x/day. I'll probably start those tomorrow and then go back on Monday. I'm not sure how long she's willing to wait on those. If they don't work, I'll get cancelled and we'll have to start over.

Obviously, I'm disappointed but with infertility, I also know that anything can happen. On the brightside, the embryos will wait for me as long as they need to.

If anything significant is reported this afternoon with my blood work, I'll post again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have one last shot. Oh! Look at that! I make jokes when I don't even mean to.

One of the nurses just called. My RE is prescribing the vaginal cream and I can start on that tonight. My estrogen did increase from 279 on Monday to 391 today, but it's certainly not superstar status.

If my lining isn't thick enough on Monday, I'll get cancelled. The nurse said my dr. would prescribe Provera and then we'd just jump right back in again. I think Provera is used to induce AF? Anyone know?

So, worst case, I guess that only puts us behind a few weeks. Still diappointing because I'm not holding out much hope for the "miracle" cream but I guess you never know.

I think I'm more surprised than anything that I'm having problems with this. I thought FET would be a piece of cake and never expected to get cancelled.

It just goes to show that anything can happen and infertility continues to uphold its reputation of putting us through pure hell.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Last update today, I promise!

I just picked up my prescription and was pleasantly surprised to find Estrace pills. It's the same dosage I had for the IVF cycle and my lining seemed OK for that so maybe, just maybe, they'll work.

I'm not quite sure why I have them because I know my RE specifically asked if I remembered the little blue Estrace pills, I said "Yes, I still have some leftover" and then she said "Well, it's not the pills this time, we're going to do vaginal suppositories instead".

Maybe she reviewed my records and decided the pills were OK?

I'm still a little skeptical because I only have 3 days to prove myself. Can 7 little pills really make that much of a difference?

But, I am happy that I won't have to deal with any of that yucky, disgusting, white, thick, oooey, gooey, mess that would have been coming out of my nether region.

Can I get an amen for pills?

Curious New Symptom

I've started with a curious symptom over the last few days.

Some light brown spotting. It's nothing major but curious nonetheless. I didn't have any spotting during my entire IVF cycle. The only difference this time is the Del Estrogen shots.

So, I'm not sure what this means? Since my lining was still a little thin on Monday, I don't know if my estrogen levels are rising now and that's the cause? Rising levels are good 'cuz that equals thick lining.

I have my next monitoring appointment in the morning so I'll ask. I'm really hoping it doesn't mean my dosage is too low and that I'll get delayed again.

It's beginning to look like I have a seat permanently assigned on that short bus!

I like to sit in the back. This is Mr. Mitchell. He's nice.

Still Riding The Short Bus

I had my lining check this morning. I can't seem to get off the short bus. I'm always just a few days behind.

My lining is still "a little thin". I guess it's good that something about me is still thin.

My doctor wants me to wait a few days and come in again on Thursday. That means transfer is delayed until next Monday (assuming Thursday's appointment goes well).

I'm not really disappointed because I've come to accept my inability to respond normally to any of the drugs prescribed to me. What's a few more days, right?

I was also tagged by my friend Wendy.

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post the rules to your blog

3. Write 6 random things about myself

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Here are 6 random things about myself:

* I was born in Fairbanks, Alaska. My dad was in the Air Force and was stationed at Ft. Wainwright. We left when I was 2 so I don't remember it at all but I do want to go back some day.

* I love to cook. I am constantly scouring magazines and websites for new recipes. Whenever I entertain, I always make sure I have a new recipe that I've never made before.

* I received an art scholarship when I was in the 9th grade. Do you remember those ads in magazines that said "Draw the pirate and receive a free evaluation of your talent?" Well, I did it. I never acted on the scholarship but I still like to draw. I recently painted a Winnie the Pooh mural for my sister's nursery.

* I love to decorate and do home improvements. When I was a little kid, I used to re-arrange my bedroom furniture all of the time and I still do. Five years ago, we gutted our kitchen and replaced everything. We did 85% of the work ourselves. I layed the ceramic tile floor all by myself. Now, the problem is, I've done almost everything we can possibly do to our house so I'm running out of projects.

* I am a little obsessive-compulsive. My husband teases me all of the time. I can't stand it if a picture is crooked or if there is a piece of lint on a newly vacuumed rug. He jokes that if the house was burning down, I'd stop to do the dishes first.

* I am a new hockey fan. We went to our first hockey game 3 years ago and I've absolutely fallen in love with the sport since.

OK, I tag:

Brenda, No Regrets

DC, One Pink Line

Jill, Desperately Seeking Spawn

Polly, In 2 See Me

Hope2morrow, It's Not The End Of The World

SAHW - "Just" A Stay At Home Wife

I Attended A Baby Shower and Lived To Tell About It.

I survived!

It was about what I expected. Everyone got there and we had the awkward mingling where everyone doesn't really know each other.

There's always that low buzz of conversation and then at exactly the same time, everyone stops talking and there's that awkward silence.

Why does that happen?! It's kind of freaky.

There were some side conversations of baby talk - basically on each side of me.

I can now tell you the exact measurements of every ice cube in my pink lemonade. I've never been so intent on the physical components of ice in my life!

And, of course, we had to play gay shower games.

Who in THE hell created the poopy diaper game?

It's bad enough thinking about what we might have to deal with when it's real, I don't want to stick my nose in a pretend poopy diaper and try to decipher if it's peanuts or nougat.

It's just gross.

After the gay games, we moved into gift opening time and that actually wasn't that bad. It can be quite educational, especially for those of us who don't have a clue about what babies need.

Then, my sister became my hero. She leaned over and asked if I was doing OK. And, then she said "Let's go after presents". I love her!

(Plus, I think she wanted to get home for her baby - who is already 9 weeks old!).

So, we were in and out in about 2 1/2 hours. That's my kind of party!

I'm Goin' In

I need to mentally prepare myself this morning.

I'm attending a baby shower this afternoon.

Do you remember "Mommy with Twins" that sat beside me at work? It's her.

I neglected to mention we are friends outside of work. Well, sort of.

She married a guy that was part of our "group", so she became a part of our group through default.

We don't hang out one-on-one on a regular basis and I don't really call her to do things - she's just part of the group. We're close enough to buy presents for each other (i.e. birthdays, Xmas) but not really good friends.

Now you guys probably think I'm horrible for talking about my friend so badly but she really was annoying at work!

I'm not quite sure what to expect today. She is the baby of the family, so I'm expecting lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of over the top gushing by her mother.

I suspect they will act like no one else in the world has the ability to procreate.

"Can you believe it's twins?!", "Look how big you are!", blah, blah, blah.

I'm willing to put in about 2-3 hours and then I'm bolting. I'm riding with my sister and told her if I give her "the look", we're outta there.

And, to be honest, I'm not really in the mood to play nicey nice if someone dares to ask me if I have children.

Click, click.... ka pow!

I might have to fire back.

"No, I don't. I've been trying to have a child of my own for the last 7 years. And, now I'm forced to inject my body with fake hormones in the hopes that I might, just might, be able to have a biological child. And, what other people can do for free? Well, it has cost me almost $15,000 to date. But, thanks so much for asking. Mmmmmkay?"

The thought of a bunch of women standing around a room talking about their children, grandchildren and new babies makes my stomach turn.

So, that means I'll be stuck either listening to all of their stories or co-mingling with the young, unmarried girls.

That should make for a good conversation - because I have so much in common with twenty-somethings.

"So, uh. What up, yo?"

And, if we have to play any of those damn, gay games, I'm going to throw up all over myself.

Hopefully they'll have good food.

A Little Privacy, Please

Well, Monday is my lining check appointment. I've done 3 Del Estrogen shots so far and my good friends, Super Big Boobies, are back. Welcome home!

I've tried to keep this FET cycle as low-key as I can but I keep getting bombarded with questions from people. I know they mean well and they are anxious just like we are but there is a certain level of inappropriateness to it.

If we weren't doing infertility treatments, would they be asking "So, did you do it last night?".

No, I don't think so!

I guess because there is some level of science involved, it makes it OK to ask about my uterus, and my husband's sperm and the thickness of my endometrium?

Yes, a little bit of privacy would also be nice.

(My uterus is shy after all).

I have limited the number of people we've told because I didn't want to deal with other people's disappointment if it doesn't work.

But I'm also not a good liar.

I can usually fib my way through one question but no! My friends and family were trained by the CIA and they fire back with 15 more questions.

So, I sit there, under the spotlight, in a dark, wet, room and I break.

Just like a little girly-man.

"OK.... OK! Stop the Chinese Water Torture! I'll tell you everything you need to know!".

God, I'm a wuss.

And, it's not good because I've realized that I will never get to live my life-long dream of becoming an international spy.

If the appointment goes well on Monday, I'm assuming my transfer will still be Friday, 8/15. They thaw the embryos the morning of so I won't know how many we have until we get there. We gambled and said to do all 3.

Hopefully they'll have the courtesy of calling if they all arrest?

Because I'd be super pissed if we drove all the way up there for nothing.

That would suck. Seriously.

If my uterus doesn't mind, I'll let you know how thick she is after my appointment.

Do You Believe In The Stars?

Are the heavens really able to tell our futures?

Up until a few months ago, I never really thought about it. I would check the Sunday paper and read my daily horoscope for kicks but that was about it. I'd go about my day and forget what I read 10 minutes before.

After my ectopic last year, and especially after the surgery, I was looking for any answer I could find.

Why did this happen?
Why did God allow me to get pregnant only to take it away?

Not only was I looking for answers to "Why", I was also looking for answers to the future. Would I ever get pregnant again? And, more importantly, when?

So, I started looking at my horoscopes in more detail. I would look at the whole month or year in review. I found two that I thought seemed more "credible" than others and found some pretty cool stuff.

But, before I divulge these spectacular revelations, I have one disclaimer.

I AM NOT A WHACK JOB!

I am usually a very cynical and distrusting person. After all, I am an Aries. I know, that explains alot, doesn't it?

OK, be ready to be amazed...

One site specifically mentioned I would have a major health event in October, 2007. Yeah, I think I pretty much got that one covered.

Both sites hinted at the following:

* A major career advancement would occur in June or July. I got a promotion.

* I would join some sort of networking or social group. At the time, I thought "What the hell does that mean?". Now, I know. It's you guys. I never had any intention of starting a blog until I stumbled on Wendy's in May and now I have the best support group anyone could ask for.

* Both sites also specifically mentioned that if I wanted to get pregnant, August would be the month. I guess it's convenient that we're doing a FET cycle, huh?

* One of the sites warned me about the health of my ankles this month. I might be stretching this but I did almost break my ankle on Sunday. We were doing some major pruning on a tree out front and I backed up and almost fell down the front stairs. I slightly twisted my ankle.

Perhaps it would have been useful had the horoscope told me when I'd get some physical coordination?

So, there you have it. Predictions or coincidence?

Houston.... We Have Lift-Off

Well, I found out what a premed appointment is this morning. They just did bloodwork and an ultrasound.

I'm not really quite sure what they were looking for but, whatever it was, I guess it was good.

I start my shots tonight. First shot is Del Estrogen every 3 nights.

I'll have a lining check on 8/11 and if all looks good, we'll throw the PIO shots in to the mix.

So, watch out buttocks! You're gonna get quite a workout over the next 3 weeks!