A Year In Review

As I sit here on New Year's Eve, I can't help but think about the past year.  I definitely have bittersweet memories.

January started off fairly boring.  Our New Years' plans were cancelled so we spent the night at home and if I remember correctly, I fell asleep before midnight.   By mid-month, we knew our beloved Kaly was sick again and the end of the month brought the most horrible heart break of losing her.  I can't believe she's been gone almost a whole year.  I still miss her terribly.   January also kicked off our third, and final, IVF cycle.  After taking some time away, we decided to try one last time.  If it didn't work, we'd have to accept our childless future.

February... Valentine's Day, DH's birthday and shots, shots and more shots.

March was the month of our ET.  Who knew how successful it would be?  And, on 6dp3dt, we got our magical BFP!

April Fools?  Yep, that's right.  We had our 6 week ultrasound on April Fools Day.  I also celebrated my 39th birthday in April and I remember asking myself, "Am I too old for this"?   At 9 weeks pregnant, I was already getting stares and glances at work so I spilled the beans and admitted to being "with child".

The Battle of the Weight Gain happened in May.  I wasn't gaining enough weight.  Bring on the milkshakes!  I also hit the 2nd trimester this month.  Wasn't I supposed to be feeling less tired at this point?  Highlight of the month?  Feeling the babies move for the first time!

Things are getting serious in June.  Baby names, nursery ideas and referrals to perinatalogists.  I also had my first (and thankfully only) pregnancy scare.

We're having a....  twins' gender reveal happened in July.

August was another heart breaker.  Our other dog Kobe got sick and we made the decision to put him down.  My baby shower was also this month and the babies got lots of goodies!  I was also diagnosed with a placenta previa and our annual beach vacation was cancelled.  It turned out OK though and allowed us to get some much needed prep work done around the house.

Phew, September!  One word describes my belly - HUGE! 

Ah, October.  The month when all the action happened.  My 2 little pumpkins arrived, allbeit unexpectedly.  While the month started joyously, it ended on a different note with my sweet Kendall in the hospital with bacterial meningitis.  Hands down the scariest night of my life.

November and so much to be thankful for.

And, last but not least, December.  Kendall back in the hospital for 3 weeks and not exactly the Christmas I always dreamed about.  But, she's home and both babies are healthy and life doesn't get better than this.

Wishing everyone a happy and prosperous 2010.  May all of your dreams come true in the coming year!

Homecoming, Round 3

My baby girl is coming home from the hospital today - finally!

Please let us NEVER see the inside of a hospital again.

Merry Belated

We're still hanging in there.  Kendall will be home from the hospital on the 29th.  That's 3 more days and it can't come soon enough.  We're all done with hospitals.

She's doing great and I think that's what is making it so frustrating.  We just want her home.  I'm tired of  seeing her being poked and prodded and I'm sure she's tired of it too.  She's been such a brave little girl through all of this and I think she's going to be one tough kid.

Christmas was fine.  The hospital opened up their visitor's policy and allowed all visitors for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day.  My family was able to visit Kendall on Thursday and then Todd's family came up on Friday.  It was a very nice gesture by the hospital and I'm sure the families of all the patients appreciated it as much as we did.

We've been spending every night with Kendall, coming home for the afternoon and then going back to the hospital around 4-5:00 pm every day.  We've made the best of the situation and the size of the room and the nursing staff has certainly made it more bearable.

I don't have any cute Christmas pictures to post because Kendall couldn't wear her outfit due to the IV in her arm but I will take some when she comes home and we'll pretend like it's Christmas morning.

In the meantime, here's few photos from last week.  The twins are 12 weeks old today (4 weeks gestationally).  I think Christopher is slightly ahead of Kendall developmentally because he's definitely smiling more in response to stimuli.  They are both starting to coo fairly regularly. We'll continue to watch Kendall to make sure she doesn't have any issues from the meningitis.  They were both weighed a few days ago and they are growing like crazy!  Christopher is just under 11 lbs and Ms. Kendall was 10.3 lbs.  They've come such a long way from their birth weights.

Kendall

Christopher

It's Not Home, But It's Something

We got the official word that Kendall won't be home for Christmas.  They will be keeping her through December 29th.  While the doctor feels the infection would probably clear with just 2 weeks of antibiotics, she wants to be really, really sure by adding that extra week.

I was pretty upset when they told us.  You guys know more than anybody how hard the holidays are and the thought of having to spend it apart was heart breaking.  Until yesterday....

All of our local hospitals have insitituted a very strict visitation policy since the H1N1 outbreak.  They are only allowing parents to visit.  So, DH & I have been alternating our time between home and the hospital and between Christopher and Kendall.  We've basically been parenting individually for the last 2 weeks and only seeing each other for an hour or two a day.

I asked one of our nurses if she thought they would make an exception to let us bring Christopher to the hospital so we could spend Christmas Eve together.  One person said she thought they might be able to swing a day visit but an overnight would create some liability on the hospital. 

Yesterday, one of the hospital case workers came in and told me they were giving us the exception and we're allowed to bring Christopher to the hospital ANY TIME we want - not just Christmas!

What a wonderful thing to do!  Of course we'd rather be home but at least we can spend some days and/or nights together as a family.   We had our first slumber party last night and they both did great.  I think they know when the other is there because they both seemed so much calmer.  They are sleeping in the hospital bassinets that are clear plastic.  I caught them looking at each other last night.  Who knows what they can see at this point but I'm going with the theory that they were staring at each other!

Our area is expecting a major snowstorm tomorrow (12"+) so we plan to go back to the hospital tonight and then get snowed in at the hospital.   Hmmmm.... do you think they'd mind if I brought in a Christmas tree?!

Kendall & Pics of the Twins

Just thought I'd provide another update on Kendall.  I know most of you probably have more important things to focus on but this gives me something to do when I'm spending the day in the hospital with her.

Kendall is still doing well.  Her bone scan showed an area of "concern" on her right hip so she had another MRI.  The MRI showed no signs of infection.... phew!

So, our only remaining obstacle is keeping the IV lines going.  The one they placed in her scalp failed this morning.  It lasted 5 days, which isn't bad.  They had to call an anesthesiologist this afternoon to get another line in her because her veins are so darn small.   He got it in her right hand on the first try.  Hopefully this one will last a few days as well.

I still can't get an answer on the remaining time she'll be here.  The attending doctor has been consulting with several other doctors including an infectious disease doctor, an internist and another pediatrician.  So far, one of them is recommending a 3 week treatment.  NOT what I wanted to hear because that means she'll be here for Christmas.  I've expressed my desire to have her home but ultimately, I know we need to do what's best for Kendall.  I suppose they'll make a final decision later this week but I'm prepared for it to be bad news.

Before Kendall got sick again, we did a photo shoot with a local photographer that we met through a friend. She is just starting her own photography business.  Here's a few pics:

Update on Kendall

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers... again.  Kendall is doing well and except for being in the hospital, you'd never know she was sick.  Things aren't all sunshine and lolly pops, though.

We're still trying to figure out why the bacteria came back.  I have my suspicions about the whole thing because the ONLY thing that has shown the bacteria is the first culture that was pulled when we came to the ER on Tuesday night.  They've drawn blood twice since then and everything is coming back normal.  Both doctors did say it's possible the antibiotics starting working that quickly and that's why all of the cultures have come back negative since but still, it makes you wonder if there's really something there or if the first culture was just contaminated?

Everyone has said that it's extremely uncommon for the bacteria to come back once it's been treated once.  The doctors have a few theories:

1. The original infection never cleared.  This seems to be unlikely because they cultured her blood and spinal fluid before discharging her after the meningitis.
2. The blood clot that developed in her leg could have contained a colony of bacteria.  As the blood clot dissolved, it could have released the bacteria back into her blood stream where it continued to multiple until she got sick again.  This seems like the most viable theory to me.

The doctors have ordered test after test to try to find the source.  She received another MRI of her brain to see if there were abscesses from the meningitis and that came back normal.  Now, they are concentrating on her right hip and thinking she may have an infection in her bone.  She received a bone scan yesterday afternoon and it did show an area in her hip joint that absorbed the contrast dye more than any other areas.  The doctor warned that bone scans are typically very non-specific so it's not conclusive.  She has ordered an MRI of Kendall's pelvic area to see if that shows anything.

If it turns out to be an infection in her bone, she'll be in the hospital for up to 6 weeks.  That presents several issues and concerns.  She has such small veins that they are already having a hard time keeping her IV going.  It's in her scalp right now because the vein in her arm blew the other night.  We might be able to keep going with the periphereal IVs if she's only here another week but any longer than that, and we'll have to consider a longer-term solution such as the PICC line or central line.  You may remember she didn't do well after the central line was put in last time and developed that blood clot. 

The other issue is her length of time in the hospital.  Right now, she's in the hospital where they were born and it's only 5 minutes from our house.  She's in a private room which is allowing my husband and I to stay with her longer and to spend nights.  If she has a long-term IV placed, she'll be transferred back to the hospital that treated her meningitis.  That hospital is about 45 minutes from our house and she'd be sharing a room with another child.  It's not very accomodating for parents.

The other issue (and a blessing) is that DH finally got a job offer and will be starting that within the next few weeks.  We're hoping after the holidays but he'll start whenever they request.  I'm so thankful he's been home this whole time (remember his company was sold and he's been on severance since the end of September).  When he returns to work, I'll be watching the kids until I go back to work on February 1st.  If Kendall is tranferred to that other hospital, it doesn't allow us a lot of time to see her.  I'll be watching Christopher during the day and then it's possible that only one of us could visit her at night.

DH & I are holding up OK during all of this.  We're like ships passing in the night.  I've been staying with her during the day and then he spends the night with her. I'm praying the MRI doesn't show anything and she'll be home with us by Christmas.  I can't imagine having to do this for another 4-5 weeks.   I know her health is most important and we want to get this under control so she's not back in here but it's so frustrating.  We waited so long to have a baby and I feel like we're being robbed of all of that family bonding.  It just wasn't supposed to be like this.

My Worst Nightmare... Take Two

Kendall is back in the hospital.  Her Group B strep infection is back.  We don't think it turned into meningitis this time but she'll be in the hospital for another 2-3 weeks receiving antibiotics.

She started running a fever on Tuesday night so we called the pediatrician and she said to go ahead and take her to the ER.  By the time we got there, her fever had spiked to 102.6.  All of her tests came back negative so we were leaning toward it being a virus.  She was admitted and we expected her to be discharged yesterday.

At 2:00 yesterday, the doctor called and said they cultured her blood and it was growing bacteria.  By this morning, they had identified it as GBS. 

The good news is that , as of this morning, her spinal fluid was still clear and not growing bacteria so we're keeping our fingers crossed that we dodged the meningitis bullet this time. 

The bigger concern is why it came back.  They are now starting another barrage of tests to see if they can find the source.

I'm so sad at the possibility of her spending her first Christmas in the hospital.  All I've dreamed about is waking up Christmas morning with my babies. 

I can't believe we're going through this again.

Vaccinations!

The twins had their first set of vaccinations this afternoon.  5 shots later, they are sleeping peacefully.

Let's hope it stays that way all night and they don't get fussy.

Their check-up went great and the doctor is very pleased with their progress.  They are superstars in the weight gain department.  Christopher is now 8.07 lbs and Kendall is a whopping 7.15 lbs.  They are both exactly the same height now at 20 1/2 inches.  Developmentally, they are right on track.  They are both smiling, cooing and holding their heads up for a few seconds at a time.  Since they were born 8 weeks early, they will probably do some things a little later like crawling and walking but so far, they are doing really well.  I'm still concerned about Kendall's long term prognosis from the meningitis and he said we would be seeing some signs now if she was going to have problems.  The fact that she is holding her head up and smiling is a great sign that she'll develop normally.  Phew!

So, our reward for the weight gain (besides having healthy kids) is that we get to move off the scheduled feedings.  We were still waking them up every 4 hours to eat and now they can eat on demand.

Maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time?

Of course just when we get the babies healthy, mommy and daddy get sick.  DH got some funky rash on Thanksgiving morning that wouldn't go away.  Turns out he had an allergic reaction to something and he's on steroids for the next week.

I have a raging sinus infection that started Sunday.  It came out of nowhere so I'm really hoping it was caused by allergies and not a virus because I was kissing all over the babies. I felt fine Saturday when I went to bed and woke up Sunday morning with a scratchy throat that slowly turned into super duper, congested snot nose.  The doctor gave me a Z-pack yesterday so I should be feeling better by tomorrow.

On the brightside, the doctor's office had the H1N1 vaccines so we both got the shot.  Better safe than sorry.

I tried to get creative with my photography skills and held a few photo shoots.  Yeah, I know.  Don't quit my day job. 

"Where's the turkey"?

"Who turned out the lights"?

Apparently, I like to take photos when Kendall is sleeping?

Top Ten

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For:

10. 3 hours of sleep a night
9.  My pets
8.  Being a stronger person despite IF
7.  The ability to earn a living
6.  Having a roof over my head and food on my table
5.  My blog friends and followers
4.  My family
3.  My husband
2.  My health
1.  My babies

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

6 Weeks

The twins are 6 weeks old.  Already!

They are both doing awesome and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it is to have my little Kendall home.

They had their 6-week check up yesterday and they are a growin'.  Christopher weighed exactly 7 lbs and was 19 1/2 inches long.  Kendall weighed 6.6 lbs and was 19 inches long.  I'm so glad Kendall continued to make strides while she was hospitalized.

She had another ultrasound done yesterday morning to check the blood clot in her leg.  The u/s tech couldn't find it so that was a good sign.  Her leg is looking much better and 99% of the swelling is gone. 

I decided to make an appointment to have some professional photographs taken.  It's a private photographer who has done some work for a friend of mine who also has boy/girl twins.  We'll do some family photos and some individual photos with some holiday themes thrown in.   I'm so excited!

In the meantime, here's a few more photos:

Together Again

Kendall was discharged from the hospital yesterday afternoon.

Life is good.  My babies are home and we're all together again.

I See The Light!

Kendall is close to coming home.  Her last day of antibiotics is Friday so, unless she experiences another complication, she'll be discharged on Saturday.

She is looking better with each day, eating and gaining weight.  She was 5.7 lbs yesterday morning. They did another ultrasound of her leg and the blood clot is still there but it showed there is more blood flow getting through the vein so it's getting better.  She has been holding her temperature consistently over the last 2 days.

After all of the fuss in my last post, I haven't received any additional information on her "swallow study" or any results from the "blood doctor".  Were they just looking to cash in with my insurance company?  I'll have to remember to ask her attending doctor this afternoon.

Here's a few pictures that we took of Kendall the other night.  Sorry for the quality, they were taken with a cell phone.

And, I would be a bad mommy if I didn't include a few pictures of Christopher.  He's doing great and weighed exactly 6 pounds at the pediatrician's last week.

I Cry "Uncle"

I'm tired of going to the hospital.  I just want my baby girl to come home. Every time we go, another potential problem is explained to us. 

They removed the central IV line the other night and we're hoping the smaller peripheral IV will continue to work for the next 7 days so we can continue her antibiotics and fluids.  Her leg looked a little better to me but it's still pretty swollen. 

They also decided to do an ultrasound of her head and found a small, Grade 1 brain bleed.  I know it is common in preemies but for the love of God, can we get a freakin' break?  The doctors don't seem overly concerned about it and said they don't expect any long-term effects.  There's no treatment so I guess it just stops bleeding on its own?

While I was visiting her last night, someone from speech therapy came in to evaluate her feeding.  They are concerned she might be aspirating (food going into her lungs) while she eats.  Personally, I think they are starting to overevaluate things at this point.  They called in the consult a few days ago because she wasn't eating that great.

Uh, duh?  She's been sick?  Who the hell eats when they are sick?

Since then, she has picked it up and has been taking about 2 oz at every feeding.  So now, they are recommending a swallow study for Monday.  They'll put barium in her milk and track where the fluid goes when she eats.

And then last night while she was being evaluated for that, another doctor comes in and introduces himself as the "blood doctor".  They are also concerned she might have a clotting disorder called Thombophilia because the clot in her leg developed so quickly.

When I asked the doctor if clotting after that procedure was extremely uncommon, he said "no".   I'm thinking, "Then why are you here"?  We have no family history of blood disorders and according to the March of Dimes website, that condition only occurs in about 2% of the population.

I guess I'm starting to get a little aggrevated.  I know they are only looking out for Kendall's health and best interests but it would be nice to go for a visit and not have another doctor telling me that something else could be wrong with her.

On the brightside, she is now in an open-air crib again and got moved back down to the regular pediatric unit.  She looked good last night and was the most active and alert that I've seen her since this started.  I even got a few smiles.

God, I love those smiles.

New Update on Kendall

I decided to change the look of my blog.  Ever since I changed it last time, it seems like I've had nothing but bad luck.  Maybe this will help change my luck?

Kendall is still stable.  She was still having a hard time regulating her body temperature so they moved her to the Intermediate Care Unit and placed her in an isolette (incubator).  As of 8 am this morning, she was doing better with her temperature.

The spinal fluid that was taken the other night did not grow any bacteria so it appears that we now have the meningitis in check.  Her antibiotic may be decreased to just penicillin today.  She is eating again and took 2 oz of formula at 2 am, another 20 mL at 3 am and then another 2 oz at 5 am.  Wonderful news that she's eating!

There were some new developments over night though.  A small blood clot has developed at the end of the IV and they are monitoring it closely.  Her leg is really swollen but the IV line is still open and her circulation to the leg and foot is still good.  If things worsen, they will pull the IV line.  If that happens, she'll have to have another line surgically inserted and that's not what we want to have happen (especially if yesterday's episode was related to sedation).

She also received a blood transfusion last night.  The doctor explained that preemies aren't that great at making blood and when they are sick, it's even harder.  Her red blood cell count has been in the low-normal range since she was admitted so, they gave her 40 cc of blood to re-oxygenate her. 

I did manage to get some sleep last night, or at least the most that I could.  I slept from 11:30 pm - 1:00 am, 2:30 am - 5:00 am and 6:00 am - 8:00 am.  It's not consecutive hours but it's still sleep.

DH & I will head up to the hospital this afternoon.  My sister has offered to watch Christopher so we can both visit her together.  Please continue to pray for my little angel.

One Step Forward and One Step Back

Kendall had her central IV line inserted today and it required sedation.  She did fine during the procedure and recovered well.  I left the hospital around 12:30 so I could get Christopher to his doctor's appointment and just as I was pulling in front of my house, the hospital called.

Kendall had another "breathing episode" right after I left.  Her heart rate, blood pressure and respirations dropped suddenly.  The doctor said they were still investigating and trying to figure out what was going on but warned me that she might be moved back to the ICU.  Her body temperature also dropped all the way down to 92.  That's lower than what it was when she got first got admitted.

I immediately burst into tears.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  She is so little and has already endured so much.  I just want my baby to come home.

I called the doctor back about 30 minutes later and they placed her in a warming bed and got her body temperature back up.  He also suspected that she had a reaction to the medicine used to sedate her and he administered some meds to reverse the effects.  He said once he did that, she pinked up, perked up and started crying.

As of 5pm EST, she was still stable and was able to take 1 oz of formula so hopefully this was a temporary setback and she'll be back to recovering.

We did get some good news on Christopher.  His labwork came back normal so as of today, he does not appear to be infected.  He also made some significant progress with his weight gain and weighed exactly 6 lbs today.  Such a big boy!

I'm feeling so torn.  I feel like I need to stay with her at the hospital but I also feel guilty for leaving Christopher.  I feel guilty for being able to hold, hug and kiss Christopher while she's still so sick.  If there were a way to clone myself, I'd be first in line.  I'm operating on fumes at this point.  I'm fortunate to get 3 hours of sleep a day and my life is based in 3-4 hour increments.  I'm living for the next task - pumping, feeding, driving to the hospital.  I didn't eat anything today until 4:00. I'm so tired but I can't spare the time to sleep.  I have to keep going for my babies.

Your Prayers Are Working!

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  They are working!

Kendall was moved out of the PICU last night and into a regular bed in the pediatrics ward.  Her vitals have remained stable and she is now off oxygen.  She's still getting 2 antibiotics every 6  hours.  Her color has come back now but I can tell she still isn't herself.  She's 1,000 times better than Friday night but it's only been 4 days and she still seems weak and fussy.

Our biggest obstacle right now is keeping an IV in tact.  When she was admitted, they put the IV in her arm but that fell out last night.  The doctor explained to me they like to insert a PICC line when they expect to do fluids and/or antibiotics for an extended period of time.  We know she'll be on antibiotics for at least 2 weeks.  A PICC line is another IV line that is inserted in the arm and feeds into a larger vein in the chest, near the heart. The PICC team evaluated her and said she wasn't a candidate because her veins are too small.  They consulted with the NICU but it sounds like they are completely overwhelmed and didn't want to "treat" a patient that wasn't in their area (risk of infection, taking something back from Peds to the NICU, etc.). 

So, tomorrow morning, they will do another procedure that will be similar to a PICC line and they're hoping to insert a line near her subclavian vein or in her groin.  They will need to sedate her so she doesn't move during the procedure but there shouldn't be any major complications from it.

I still don't have a timeline for when she might come home.  At one point, the doctor said if they could get the PICC line in, she could potentially come home on Saturday and they would let us administer the 2nd week of antibiotics from home.  With this other line, I don't know if that's still a possibility.

They also did another spinal tap last night to see if the fluid is becoming sterile and is clear of bacteria.  As of this afternoon, it wasn't growing anything but the doctor said it's not conclusive until closer to 48 hours so we should know something by tomorrow morning or afternoon.  If the fluid is sterile, she'll go down to one antibiotic which will mean less blood draws and less fluid being pushed through the IV.

The highlight of my day yesterday was the doctor's response to my question, "Do you expect her to have any long-term effects"?  He said he thinks we caught it early enough and that they've been able to stay ahead of it so he thinks she'll make a full recovery with no side effects.  Of course, only time will tell if he's right but it was reassuring nonetheless.

We've been keeping a close eye on Christopher since we don't know if Kendall got the Strep B from me or environmentally.  So far, he hasn't shown any symptoms.  We did have some baseline blood drawn on Monday and we should get the results of that tomorrow. Since we haven't heard anything by now, I'm assuming it came back fine. 

I definitely feel like I have been initiated into the world of motherhood.  But, seriously?  We couldn't get a cold or ear infection first?! It had to be a life-threatening infection? 

I hope I NEVER have to endure another night like that night.  The feelings of helplessness and fear were overwhelming.  She was so sick and I couldn't help her.  Thank God for the doctors and nurses that were in the ER that night.  They recognized it was an infection within 20 minutes of seeing her and started her on antibiotics immediately.  I'm convinced that saved her life.

My Worst Nightmare

Kendall is sick.  Really sick.  She's in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) with bacterial meningitis caused by Group B Strep. 

For right now, she is stable but not out of the woods yet.  If she makes it through this, she may still be faced with some other complications like hearing loss or learning disabilities.  We're hoping we caught it in time and she'll make a full recovery.

Please pray for my little Kendall.

Birth Story and Thankful

Now that things have calmed down a bit, I've had some time to reflect on the events of the past 3 weeks.  I hinted at my birth story when I announced the twins' arrival but I still haven't given details.  So, here goes:

I noticed an increase in Braxton-Hicks contractions starting Thursday, 10/01.  I was generally uncomfortable with some pelvic pressure and lower back ache.  I knew Christopher was lying really low so I just figured it was him pressing on my bladder.  I decided to take the following day off from work but I woke up feeling better.

That Saturday, I spent the day with my family at my sister's house and still felt fine all day.  Sunday, the pelvic pressure and back ache returned but it was intermittent.  The one change I did notice was that I constantly felt like I had to pee but when I tried to go, it was barely worth the effort.  As the day went on, the back ache became a little more uncomfortable but not unbearable.  I still didn't think anything of the "symptoms" and figured I had reached that point of pregnancy where I was going to miserable.

Around 4:30 pm, I got up to go to the bathroom (again) and again, barely anything.  I leaned forward to make sure my bladder was empty and started peeing like crazy.  Like I drank a 6-pack and held it for 10 days.  After a minute, I thought, "What in the world?!"  so I looked in the water and it was bright red.

Thank God I knew about the placenta previa so I wasn't caught completely off-guard but it still scared the crap out of me.  It was a lot of blood.

I opened the bathroom door and yelled to DH, "I need you to grab a pad - I'm bleeding and I think my water just broke - we're going to the hospital NOW!"

We were out the door in 5 minutes and walking through the hospital doors within 10 minutes.  I was taken to a Triage room where I was hooked up to monitors to track the babies' heart rates.  I was most worried about Christopher.  Was there fluid left around him?  Was his placenta detaching?   The nurse announced they both looked good but I was still so scared.  She kept saying, "It's going to be OK.  They are 32 weeks and they'll be fine."

At that point, I wasn't having any contractions but still feeling the pelvic pressure.  They ordered an ultrasound to measure the fluid and to view the placenta previa.  Christopher's head was in the way of viewing the placenta so they had a really hard time telling whether I was just bleeding or if my water really broke.  Since I was diagnosed with a complete previa, my water shouldn't have broken so the doctor was really confused.  They finally had to do a transvaginal u/s and could see that the previa was partial and that my cervix had dilated enough for my water to break.  Once they figured that out, I was admitted to the hospital.

During the ultrasound, I noticed some cramping and the back ache came back but it wasn't bad.  On a scale of 1-10, I gave it a 2.  The doctor said it was normal when bleeding occurs and he thought it would subside.  I was wheeled to a permanent room and he told me that I was now on complete bed rest and that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital until I delivered.  He wanted to try to make it to 34 weeks and would only do a c-section if 1) I went into labor, 2) I developed an infection or 3) the babies became distressed.

About an hour after he left, the contractions started picking up.  The nurse came in and asked, "Are you feeling all of those contractions?".  I said, "yes" and she said, "You're really knocking them out - you're having them every 1-2 minutes".  At that point, I was rating them a 6-7 on a scale of 10.  They continued to monitor me for another 30 minutes or so and then the nurse said she was going to call the doctor back - it was obvious that it wasn't going away.  She came back a few minutes later and said we were doing the c-section in 30 minutes.

I was wheeled into the operating room and given the epidural.  Todd came in about 10 minutes later and they got started.  Within minutes, I heard Christopher crying and I looked at Todd and said, "That's the best sound ever".  A minute later, we heard Kendall.  Todd got up and went over to their cribs and I was trying to see them but all of these people were in the way and I had a sheet pulled up that was about 2 inches from my nose.

At that point, I thought everything was still going according to plan. I heard the doctor say, "Suction, please" and then about 5 minutes later, he said, "I need a mop, 2 units of blood and my hysterectomy kit."  I heard it but still didn't think anything was wrong.  Everyone in the room stayed very calm.  I could only see the anesthesiologist so I finally asked, "Am I having a hysterectomy?".  He said, "yes, you've had some complications and lost a lot of blood".  Then, I heard him say, "Her blood pressure is 80/30" and he named about 4 different medications that he needed plus another unit of blood.

About that time, I started shaking really bad and felt really cold.  I tried and tried to stop shaking but I couldn't.  And then I got really sleepy.  I remember the anesthesiologist asking how I was feeling and I said, "I feel really sleepy.  Can I go to sleep?" and then I was sort of in and out.  I remember another anesthesiologist coming into the room to help and he put another IV in my hand to start the blood transfusion.  I remember asking if the epidural was still working and that gave the anesthesiologist quite a laugh.  Clearly, it was.

It seemed like I layed on the operating table forever.  And, then it was done and I was moved to a bed and taken to recovery.  I stayed in recovery for 2 hours and they kept checking to see if the epidural was wearing off.  The nurse would take a pin and start at my neck and ask, "Can you feel that?" and then work her way down until I couldn't feel it.   I have to say that it is the weirdest feeling.  She kept asking if I could move my feet and I would try really hard but nothing would happen. 

At that point, I still didn't know the severity of what happened.  Everyone who saw me kept saying that I lost a lot of blood but I didn't really know what that meant.  I continued to get blood throughout the night and was closely monitored every 30 minutes.

The next morning, the doctor came in to check on me and gave me more details.  The placenta previa was a placenta accreta and had implanted so deeply in my uterine wall that it became intertwined with my blood vessels.  When he tried to remove it, he cut into my blood vessels and that's when I hemorrhaged. He apologized for having to do the hysterectomy and said, "I had to do it to save your life" and then he told me the average person has 5,000 cc of blood and I lost 2,500 in about 20 minutes. 

The hysterectomy part of it hasn't bothered me.  I mentioned before that we decided we were done trying to conceive after the last cycle, regardless of whether I got pregnant.  He left my ovaries and cervix so I shouldn't need any hormone support.  I just won't have any more periods.  Who could get mad at that?

I never thought in a million years that the delivery would go the way it did.  The words, "to save your life" have haunted me.  I'm so thankful to have healthy kids and to be here.  I've heard of people dying during childbirth but always thought, "How does that happen?".  Now I know. 

Thinking that things could have gone differently plays in my mind and I can't imagine not being here to see the babies smile. 

I'm just so thankful.

Gettin' Our Groove Thang

The twins have been home for 3 weeks now and Daddy & I are starting to find our groove.

Sort of.

We started taking sleeping shifts and it's making things a little more manageable.  It's hard for me because I'm still pumping every 3 hours so by the time we finish a feeding, I still have to pump and can only get sleep in 2 hour increments before it's time to start it all over again.

We have the Pack 'n Play set up in our dining room for now.  I'm still hesitant to make the big step to their cribs - maybe in a few weeks.  For right now, keeping them on the main floor is convenient for feedings and access to the kitchen. 

So, the person who gets to sleep goes upstairs to our bedroom and the other person gets "baby duty" and gets to sleep on the couch.  I started taking back to back sleeping shifts so I sleep from 10:00 pm to midnight and then again from 2:00 am to 4:15 am.   Then Daddy gets to sleep from 5:00 - 8:00 am and then again from 9:00 am - 11:00 am.  We always have the option to nap during the day but so far, I've felt good enough to stay awake so I can get laundry and a few other things done.

I feel that we are really lucky because the twins seem to be sleepers.  They'll stay awake for about 45 minutes after a feeding and then they sleep until their next feeding.  Right now, they are eating every 4 hours.  Up until this past weekend, we had to wake them to eat but they have both started waking up on their own and letting us know that it's eatin' time! 

They are both doing really well with their food intake.  The pediatrician said he'd love to see them at 3 ounces for their appointment next week.  We increased their volume and we're already there!  I'm averaging about 2 ounces per pumping session and my volume isn't keeping up with them at this point so their bottles are 1 ounce of breast milk and 2 ounces of formula.  I'd love for them to get more breast milk but some is better than none, I guess.  I've toyed with the idea of pumping every 2 hours but to be honest, it's hard.  I already feel like I'm constantly pumping and doing it every other hour seems like too much for right now. 

I haven't posted any new pictures in about a week so here we go:

Survey!

The twins are almost 3 weeks old and we've been struggling to figure out who they resemble.

A few have said they see me in Kendall.  No one can seem to figure Christopher out.

So, I'm putting up a survey to get your opinions.  I posted new pics of the kids in my blog header.  Christopher is on the left, Kendall on the right.

Pic of hubby and I are below.

What do you think?

Two Words

Sleep deprivation.


(actually, it hasn't been bad - we're getting sleep in 2 hour increments).

The Twins Are Home!

Oh my gosh, are we ready for this?!

How Much For A Ride On The Roller Coaster?

We're still waiting for the twins to get discharged. 

Saturday night, the pm nurse decided to do Kendall's car seat challenge and she passed so they proceeded with all of her discharge testing (hearing test, Hep B shot). So, as of Sunday morning, we weren't sure who was coming home.  Kendall?  Christopher?  Possibly both?

We arrived last night and the head nurse practioner said, "You have 2 options: you can take one home tonight or take both home tomorrow."  We couldn't believe our ears - they can BOTH come home?  Together?!

So, we came home last night and were frantically trying to prepare all of the last minute stuff.

"I have to gather their homecoming outfits and stock the Pack 'n Play with wipes and diapers and I should probably vacuum the house so it's not dusty and oh yeah, don't forget to charge the video camera...."

We got up this morning and were just about ready to leave when the phone rang.

It was the NICU nurse saying they aren't coming home today. They both lost weight over night so they decided to keep them another day.

So, maybe tomorrow.

I'm disappointed but at this point, I want to make sure they are ready.  And, if the doctor is hesitant, we'll have to be patient.   We have the rest of our lives to spend with them, what's one more day?  I still need to give myself a reality check - for their age, they are coming home early.

And, for that, we're very thankful.

Slumber Party

Christopher passed his car seat challenge with flying colors so last night, Todd & I got to "room in" with him.  It went OK - not horrible but not great.  We got to the NICU around 8:00 pm and spent some time with Kendall and fed Christopher and then got checked into our room around 10:30.

They have been fortifying my breast milk to add more calories and they lowered his powder to 22 calories so his feeding schedule changed from every 4 hours to every 3.  So, he ate at 9pm, 12am, 3am, 6am and 9am before we left this morning.  The nurse came in a few times to check his vitals and his temperature and he seemed cold -  his temp was hanging around 97.  Todd said he thought the room was chilly. So, we double swaddled him and added another layer of clothing to try to get him back up again.  I think that had a domino effect on his feedings because we had a hard time waking him up to eat.  He was so cozy in his double burrito wrap.  He did OK with his 12 and 3 am feedings but not so good with the last 2.  He didn't finish either bottle. 

I was feeling a little stressed this morning because they have conditioned us so well about the importance of getting those bottles down within a certain timeframe.  I just kept envisioning having to put him back on a feeding tube.  The nurse was very encouraging this morning and said we're doing a great job and told us not to get discouraged.  She said preemies go through spurts of eating and it's not unusual.  He's had a big 2 days between the circumcision and learning how to breastfeed and then yesterday, he had his hearing test and his Hepatitis B shot. 

So, we left him this morning and I'm thinking his homecoming will probably get delayed by a few days.  He didn't gain any weight yesterday so unless he really picks it up today, I'm thinking it will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday now.

On the brightside, Kendall has caught up.  She has had 3 really good days of eating and gained 3 ounces. She also passed her car seat challenge last night so there's a possibility they could come home together.

I'm still really struggling with how to feed them when they are home.  Last night, I breastfed Christopher for the 9, 12 and 3:00 feedings and he did pretty good.  He was slow and took about an hour each feeding. And then I had to turn around and pump for Kendall which added another 20 minutes to the total "feeding time". So, by the time I got done, I had about 45 minutes before I had to start it all over again.  I only got about an hour of sleep last night and I know I can't keep that up.  For the last 2 feedings, I requested bottles to try to give myself a break and Daddy fed him but I still couldn't sleep.  First-time Mama jitters, I guess.

I hate to throw in the towel on breastfeeding but I'm really tempted to pump only.  I guess my philosophy is that I'd rather they get the breast milk and it doesn't matter how they get it.  My supply is barely keeping up with them so I suspect I'll have to supplement with formula anyway.  

Mothers of twins - I need some guidance here.  What worked for you?

Mama, I'm Comin' Home

We got some good news today.  Christopher is close to coming home.  We think he'll get discharged on Sunday or Monday.  We have to do the car seat challenge tomorrow to make sure he can breathe in the car seat and then our hospital lets parents "room in" for a night before bringing a NICU baby home.  We'll do that tomorrow night.

Christopher has gained 3 oz so he's currently at 4 lbs 11 oz and he has really taken off with his feedings. That's the last factor for letting them go home.  He also had his circumcision this morning and he did fine.  It still broke my heart to put him through that but I definitely think it was the right decision for his health.

Little Kendall is also doing good but she still needs a little more time to get the bottle down.  She has quite an appetite but gets sleepy about 1/2 way through the bottle and sometimes can't finish.  As soon as she can show some consistency with her feedings, she'll get discharged as well.   She has gained the most weight and now weighs 4 lb 3oz. 

I'm so happy to have Christopher coming home but it is with mixed feelings.  I feel so guilty for leaving Kendall behind.  I started crying when the doctor told us about Christopher and part of it was tears of joy and the other part was tears of guilt.  I know she's not ready to come home and of course I want the best for her.  I also know that we'll continue to visit like we are now.  But, it's still killing me.  We're hoping she'll only stay for a few days to a week after him. 

Here's another pic:

One Week Old!

We've made it one week and the twins are doing great!

They came out of their incubators Friday night so they are both in "big kid" cribs now.  They are regulating their body temperatures well so one big obstacle down.

Next obstacle - getting rid of the feeding tubes and steady weight gain!

Kendall still has a better appetite - she's up to 2 oz every 3 hours.  She is 1 oz shy of her birth weight (3.15 lbs). She still has to alternate between bottle feeding and the feeding tube.  They give her about 45 minutes to finish the bottle on her own and if she doesn't, we put the rest in the feeding tube. This morning she took the entire bottle all by herself.

Christopher is still trying to catch up to his little sister.  He is up to just over 1 oz every 3 hours.  He still spits up occasionally and is still hit or miss with taking it from the bottle.  He's also 1 oz shy of his original birth weight (4.09 lbs).

I've been pumping at home every 3 hours to try to keep up with their intake and it's going well.  I'm able to get about 2 oz at every pump so I'm hoping to get caught up enough that I'll be able to freeze some for when they come home.  I only tried to put them to breast a few times in the NICU but it's hard to time their feedings with my pumpings and since they are still trying to figure out the whole suck/breathe thing, it's just easier to pump and have it ready for them.  Plus, the nurses are fortifying the breast milk so it's higher in calories.  As long as they are getting the milk, I don't care how they get it.

We've been going to visit them twice/day for about 2 hours per visit.  It never seems like enough and it's so hard to leave.  I could sit there all day and just stare at them.  Kendall has been more alert and awake the last 2 visits and we can already see her starting to interact with us.  She shifts her eyes toward our voices and you can see her trying to focus on our faces.  It might've been gas but I swear I've even detected a few smiles.

We're still hoping they can come home within the next 2 weeks.  The doctors said to expect them home around the time that I would have delivered so that's the last week of October.  The goal is to have them home by Halloween.  My little goblins!

Christopher

Kendall (that looks like a smile, right?)

Brother & Sister

Update

Thanks again to everyone for all of your well wishes and congratulatory messages!  The support I've encountered since starting my blog has been so awesome.  I can't imagine getting through everything without you guys!

The twins are doing good.  Kendall is a little chowhound and is already taking in 1.5 oz per feeding.  Christopher's appetite has also started to increase.  They discovered he had a heart murmur on Tuesday and the cardiologist came in and evaluated him.  There is an artery between the heart and lungs that is supposed to close after birth (PDA).  His didn't close.  This was also causing some increased respirations and we think his inability to keep food down. The first course of action was to limit his IV fluids and then if that didn't work, there's an ibuprofen-like medication they could've given him.  Thankfully, limiting his fluids worked and as of yesterday, the murmur had corrected itself. 

I was released from the hospital yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good.  Still taking Percoset as I need it but everything is about what I expected.  We're visiting the twins twice/day and spending about 2 hours each visit.  It's such valuable time and we always hate to leave but I know they are in such good care and I feel completely comfortable with that.  We think they will probably be in the NICU for about 3 weeks and I'm keeping my fingers crossed they'll be home by Halloween.

I'm still trying to figure out breastfeeding - which has been difficult considering there's about 5 miles seperating me from the babies.  I'm pumping at home and taking the milk to the NICU when we visit.  My milk just started coming in yesterday so I'm not generating a huge volume yet.  It took 3 pumps just to get 1 ounce but I was so proud of myself.

"Look what I did!  These things on my chest really do work!"

Here's a few more pics of the babies.  You can really tell how small they are when you see the pacifier in Kendall's mouth. 

Christopher

Kendall

More Twins Pics

Thank you so much to everyone for your well wishes! 

Ah, the wonders of Vicodin.  It has really helped with the pain management so I'm able to move around fairly well.  Since I had a similar surgery when my left tube was removed, I had a pretty good understanding of what the incision would feel like so I felt prepared.

Not so prepared for the hysterectomy part.

I've had a few people ask if I'm OK with it.  Before the c-section, I had asked to have my right tube tied because Todd & I knew we weren't going to try to conceive again.  This was our last year of trying - conception or not.  So, we had already made the decision to take measures to prevent any future pregnancies. To be blessed with twins is beyond words.

I'll save the whole birth story for another post but suffice it to say the hysterectomy was required to save my life.  The babies came out fine and they were attempting to remove the placenta previa when they realized it was deeply attached to my uterine wall.   I started to hemorrhage and they couldn't stop the bleeding.  I was awake and heard the doctor yell 3 things:  we need a mop over here, I need 2 units of blood stat and I need my hysterectomy kit.  And, then it got a little chaotic.  The anesthesiologist started ordering different medicatons and started 2 new IV lines.  He was doing a good job of talking to me to let me know what was going on and at that point, I only worried about my babies being safe.  I remember thinking, "Do whatever you have to do to me".

My blood pressure dropped pretty quickly and I heard the doctors talking to each other trying to get the bleeding under control.  "I need more suction" was a popular phrase.  All in all, I feel OK with everything.  I have my babies and I have my life.  Without the blood transfusion, I don't know where I'd be today.  I urge everyone to give blood at their local Red Cross or blood bank.  I plan to give back as soon as I'm able.

So, how about a baby update?  Both are doing well.  I FINALLY got to see them for the first time last night at 6:00 and then I went back down around 9:30 and spent another 2 hours with them.  Since they are in the NICU, they can't leave the room so we need to visit them. I am so in awe when I see them.  First, I can't believe how small they are.  While they were a good size at birth, they are still so tiny - especially Kendall.  Second, I can't believe I had both of them in my belly.  It's just amazing.  3 days ago, they were in me. And today they are breathing, eating human beings. Simply amazing.

Kendall is taking to feeding a little quicker than Christopher.  Since they were born so early, they haven't learned the sucking reflex yet but they are starting to get it.  Kendall is drinking formula through a nipple and seems to understand how to drink and breathe at the same time.  She has a great appetite and took in 7 cc of formula last night. Christopher is still learning - he was really "gaggy" last night and took in about 3 cc of formula but he spit up some of it so they went ahead and put a feeding tube in to get the rest of the food down.  They'll continue to try to feed him via mouth but will resort to the feeding tube if needed just so he can get the food.

I started pumping yesterday and I am getting some colustrum but no milk yet.  Maybe by tomorrow or Thursday.

Here's a few more pics.  I know everyone says it, but it's true.  I am so in love already.

Christopher
He's now off oxygen but still has the IV lines.

Kendall (for some reason, we have more pics of her.  I'll have to work on getting more of him today).

Our first family photo (don't be jealous of my super sexy look that I have goin' on).