You could have been pregnant right now!!

Yes, we are still around. I bet you thought we dropped of the end of the earth!! Wow, it's been almost a whole year since we tried last. Can you believe that! Doesn't feel like it's been that long. Well I'm gearing up to start again. We were thinking sometime in April-May '06. We still need to bring it up with the boys and see if their even still available to be a donor.

Stats at the moment:
Me - working 2 jobs, hoping to drop to 1 in March or April
DP - working 2 jobs and attending the Fire Academy (yeah! next weekend is her last weekend)

Goals at the moment:
Me - lose up to 25 lbs. Work a regular 40 hr week.
DP - be hired by a fire department. lose up to 15 lbs.
Both - pay off debt. save for a house. GET PREGNANT.

So you will be hearing a little more from me. I haven't been charting and I don't think I plan on starting this time. But, I don't know what will happen once the mass hysteria hits and the obsession takes over. We'll see.

All I know is it's July 05

Been kind of depressed lately over the fact that nothing has taken root in my womb. It's hard to not be envious of those around me with new babies and growing bellies. I feel like it's never going to happen or that I will be too old to even start again...*sigh* I never thought I would experience that damn ticking clock, but I sure do hear it loud and clear!

Can I wait another 6-9 months before trying again? I don't really have a choice. Each time I get my period, I get a feeling of hope. Not sure if this habit from all those months of trying, but I still feel like I'm on that damn fertility roller coaster (not as intense, but none the less emotional)!

Maybe being a mother is not meant to be.

RC 3*CD 8

I think it's day 8, I'm not quite sure on that one. After being sick for about a week I kinda of lost track of time. So we are onto round 3. Not sure if we should try this cycle or not. Part of me really wants to, but the logical side says wait until things are a little more settled.

We review the pros and cons over and over again. It's so hard to make the right decision. I mean what IS the right decision?? I guess you never know until you actually make it.

I just want to be sure everything will be good for our child, I don't want to be trying to make ends meet all the time.

I know, everyone says there is no right time to have a child, but everyone will know that we HAD to plan when to have this child. I don't want to be critized more than I will already be about the timing of our childs birth.

AHHH so many politics in life. I wish I could just shut them all out and do as I damn well please!

Limbo*CD 14

Still in Limbo land waiting to start the next cycle. I feel like this break is soooo long!! In the real world 2 months usually goes by fast, but when in the TTC world the time just ticks by. tick tock tick tock.

So I'm on CD 14. I would guess I'm going to O within the next 7-10 days. I have stopped taking my temp and haven't POAS this cycle, so no info there. It's kinda nice to have a break from all the scientific rituals, but it drives part of me crazy not having any concrete visual data. KOOK!

I have also been enjoying my coffee & adult beverages during this forced break. I've lost about 5 lbs, but really want to have lost more by now. I suppose I'm having a hard time motivating myself to start running. YUCK!! (I know once I start it feels good, but just getting past that inital first week of self inflicted torture is hard). The controlling what I eat is going better at least.

One day we may have a baby. Seems so far away.

Limbo

Well just started to bleed, so unoffialy I guess I am on cycle 3. I don't know if I'm going to keep charting I think I just may try and see what happens without all the equipment.

We are supposed to try again in April, but that still remains to be debated.

Life has so many unexpected turns.

RC 2*CD 18*DPO 3

So I know for sure I ovulated sometime Jan 7th. I think even if the boys could have participated that night it may have still been too late! In April, I'm going to try and use OPKs as well as the FTMT. That way we can get a little eairlier heads up! It happend so fast this time! Wham Bam!

So I'm looking at this forced break as a positive! I've started losing weight and have figured out I can lose almost 15lbs before the next try!! Hip Hip Hooray! I don't want to be a fat mom! I want to me a MILF! So I think the motivation has finally started to kick in. Getting to the gym is still a little hard but I will make it there eventually! I want to look good for my belly pics don't I!

RC 2*CD 16

This is ONE time I wish DP was weilding a sperminating penis!

The Good: I got a peak reading today which means I will be ovulating today or tonight and that the soy milk experiment has worked!

The Bad: Today is Smalls b-day and the boys are unavailable.

Why body? Why? Out of all days you had to pick today to be it!

So we are out for this cycle and next. Why you ask next cycle? Since our necie's b-day falls in December (the only neice/grandchild on DP's side), we have decided to skip that month to make sure the b-days don't coincide. We are sooo nice!

So I guess we will be on a break for the next 2 cycles. Now I will just try to comfort my perfecly fertile egg as she bursts out only to be met by lonliness! sniff. sniff. I hear the loud ticks of my internal clock as youth waves goodbye!

RC 2*CD 14

I'm not sure about that prediction. As it goes right now I'm feeling pretty wet and ready!! I'm gonna guesstimate Feb 9th...that would be this comming wednesday. Hmmmm. It seems as if my cervix is getting softer and higher. I'm guessin' I should be seeing some EW very soon! Monitor was still at high reading this morning.

RC 2* Conception Advisor

This is what the all knowing FF Conception Advisor said about this cycle:

Conception Advisor
Ovulation Date:		Based on your stats you may ovulate between Tuesday 02/15/2005 and Tuesday 02/22/2005
Ovulation on Day #:		Around CD 27
(estimated)	Start of fertile Phase:	Friday 02/11/2005
	End of Fertile Phase:	Thursday 02/24/2005
	Start Date For Insemination:	Friday 02/11/2005
	End Date For Insemination:	Wednesday 02/23/2005

RC 2*CD 12

High, High, High.

That's the reading I got this morning when I POAS!! I was shocked. I didn't think it would be high yet, I was expecting low. Hmmmm, makes me ponder if that soy milk is really working (as I take a big swig of soy).

Last month I had 6 high days starting on CD 21. The month before that I had 13!! starting on CD 10. So who knows how long this high will be. My guess would be 5 more days then peak. I have been getting watery CM and that usually happens before the EW shows up. Last month I had about 9 days of watery CM. It shouldn't be this damn hard to predict what your body is going to do! "Comon' body, get into some kind of rhythm!"

I'm stickin' to my original forcast of Feb 11-14. Valentines day love! How cute.

RC2*CD 11

So the journey is about to begin again!! I've started getting my watery CM. I am trying to stay more calm and not so obsessed by it this time. I'm toying with the idea of not using the FTM. It's already asked me to POAS, but I have declined to do so thus far.

Lately I have been super duper tierd and I'm not sure why. It seems to start around 11am with a headache and then I get really tired. I've been getting enough sleep so I don't think that's the reason. I was thinking maybe I'm getting a sinus infection. Yuck!

RC 2*CD 4

Well here we go again. Gonna try out roller coaster 2!! Just sitting here during the most relaxing part of the coaster. No worries about CM, no phantom preggo symptoms...ahhhh feel the relaxation. I'm going to try and take that feeling with me all the way through. "Girl you be crackin' me up!!" Hey it's worth a try!!

So new goal is to lose some weight before bebe gets here!! I'm already too heavy as is, now add 15-20 lbs to that..... I'm gonna be HUGE if I get preggo! Why couldn't I have just kept the weight off when I first lost it!! Now I have to work so hard again and this time with a dead line!! Oh well, I'll just have to do the best I can do!

This cycle I have also started drinking a cup of chocolate soy milk to see if it helps make ovulation earlier. It was suggested to me on the bb, so I thought I would give it a shot! Cheers!

RC 1*CD 46*DPO 15

She has arrived! No invite, no welcome, but she still made the journey.

On to RC 2 (sniff sniff).

RC 1*CD 44*DPO 13

I still have some hope I might be prego!! Although it's not all consuming as it was before. I am still aware of what my body is feeling. It's so hard to turn off that fine tuning. I just can't seem to do it. Soooo here is the run down of symptoms for today:

1) breast swollen, but not sore like usual. Tingle and itch
2) having AF like cramps on and off
3) felt nauseas this morning. Thought it was cause I was hungry, but when I ate still felt nauseas.
4) grumpy
5) eyes stinging (but no high temp this morning)
6) feel sluggish. Could sleep for days!!

I think that sums it up for now. I'm just waitng to see what tomorrow's AM temp brings. I guess the DPO 15 temp is the one that will really tell me something. All these symptoms could just be AF or they could be the bean??? How confusing!! The 2WW is a cruel joke!

RC 1*CD 43*DPO 12

Well...I did it! I couldn't wait any longer. The psycotic pregnancy nymph had taken over my mind all I could think about was "Am I pregnant? Do my boobs look bigger? Why do I have a fever?" So she won. I broke down to make her quiet and gave in to the test....

Negative

Boo Hoo!!! I really DID think I was pregnant this time. If it wasn't for those darn fevers, I think I would have stayed a little calmer. Well, I guess on to RC 2. I know, I know...It's not over until AF comes to visit. Yesterday, I started feeling those AF cramps which leads me to believe she will be here to visit on Sunday or Monday. (sigh)

Well the bright side is I can try to lose some weight before the next 2WW. So off to the gym for some running I shall go!

RC 1*CD 41*DPO 10

Well here we are at DPO 10. Seven days to go until test day!! Part of me really wants to test early, because I think we might be preg!! The other half doesn't want to see a negative if my intuition proves to be wrong.

I still have the low grade fever today. Last night before bed it was 99.4. This morning it was 99.0. I have a feeling it's higher now by the way I'm feeling. Sluggish, got shivers and my eyes are stinging.

Although I get a fever during the day, it never stays for my temp time in the morning?? This makes me wonder? I haven't been able to find any conclusive information on if a fever during the 2WW means you could be pregnant, only the tales from the women on FF who've had them before they knew they were pregnant.

RC 1*CD 40*DPO 9

99.2!!! I wasn't feeling well last night so I took my temp and that's what I got! 99.2! OMG I'm frekin' out!!! Could this be the one! I feel like it is, but that has proved me wrong before!! It's a pretty good sign to have a temp like that! OMG! OMG! OMG! And when I look at my chart, it does look possible that I had an implantation dip!!

Now I'm trying to reign in my feelings of hope! But they have grown so much, that I'm pretty sure if this isn't the one, I will be disapointed. :(

Now exercising the will power not to test is going to be a challange!! I can wait till the 26th, I really really can!!

RC 1*CD 39*DPO 8

I don't think the temp drop was an implantation dip after all. It went down another .1 degree yesterday. This morning it was back up to 98.0. I am having this crazy feeling in my abdomen. It feels almost like I have a full bladder! Pressure feeling. Another thing to wonder about.(crazy obsessed girl taking over) I wish you could just know right away!! This waiting thing is driving me crazy. Especially on the weekend, when I have more time to wonder what my body is up too! Kind of grumpy today. I woke up in a good mood, but for some reason it seems to be going down hill! So maybe AF is going to show up after all! I hope that next week will go by fast. I think it will. Work is going to be busy and DP has that HUGE test!

RC 1*CD 37*DPO 6

Ok, I would be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out a little bit!! Today my temp dropped from 98.2 to 97.9!!!!!! Could this be an implantation dip??? If it goes back up tomorrow....oh gosh! I don't even want to think about it yet! I'm getting way too excited. Just remember not all dips result in pregnancy! Ok that will be my mantra for the day. I can't wait to get home and look at my other charts to see if I've ever had a .3 drop before. I didn't have one last month!

DP wanted me to test yesterday. Way to early for a test, besides I'm trying to wait until January 26th! That woud be 1 day after AF should have arrived. AHHHHHHH! The waiting is killing me!

RC 1*CD 36*DPO 5

Don’t quite know what’s going on today?? I woke up and felt kind of queasy.  I thought maybe I was really hungry and needed to eat. I ate and it seemed to get better. I’ve been feeling cramps off and on. This makes me think I may be getting ready to see AF (Note to AF: go away!).  I usually get cramping a little before my period begins.  But after lunch I also felt queasy. I was thinking because I had tried this new pizza thing my boss brought in.  It was kinda greasy and had lots of cheese. Things that make you go hmmmmmm, I wonder… (ponder).  Logically I tell myself “Self. It is just too early to be getting any symptoms!” and I know this deep down to be true. Symptoms shouldn’t show up until next week or 24-48 hours after implantation and as you can see below I stated: On average most women have implantation during DPO 8-10. I read today one that said DPO 6-11. I don’t think anyone really knows when it happens for sure!

 

So here I am just trying to be rational about the whole thing. BUT DAMN IT, IT’S HARD!! Onward to DPO 6.

 

 

 

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RC 1*CD 35*DPO 4

Just a litte note today!
I felt small cramps off and on all day. Sharp intense ones usually on the right side. Not sure what that means???

RC 1*CD 34*DPO 3

Alright!! FF has officially given me my crosshairs!! I am in the 2WW!!! I try not to think about it, but sometimes it's soooo hard! Are my boobs growing? Do I feel nausea? Am I super hungry? Am I peeing a lot? I know the little eggy is still traveling down the tube, but is it alone or has someone infiltrated it's walls? {ponder ponder}

They say it usually doesn't implant into the uterus untill days 8-10, but I have known some women where it happend on day 5!! Yes...even if that were the case, it's still too early to tell!! IF (and I say IF) AF were to arrive it would most likely be on DPO 16. I have consistanly had 15 day luteal phases (the amount of days after ovulation before AF shows), in which AF always shows on day 16. At least that part of my cycle is predictable ***Knock on wood***!

RC 1*CD 32*DPO 1

Yeah!!! I had a temp rise today, so I'm pretty sure that I Od either last night or sometime yesterday! So that means we're in the running this cycle!! My cervix is also getting harder and no longer has much EWCM. With the insemination on CD 30, we have a really good chance of being pg! Wow, just to think that there might be a little bean in my belly get's me excited. DP is really excited too! It's so cute! Yesterday in a phone message she said "Rub the bean for me today!"

So I think this would make me DPO 1, but I have to wait to see when FF gives me cross hairs to be sure. If my temp keeps rising I think it will show up on Monday. I guess the rule of thumb is 3 days of temp rises to be sure O happened. So hard to wait! At least I'm excited to go to bed these days just to see what the morning brings.

RC 1*CD 30

Ok, Ok I know! I said yesterday that we were just going to go onto the next cycle...BUT, we can't help but want to inseminate when my body is screaming FERTILE!! So I will be driving over to SF tonight to do the BD. Whew, it's going to be a late night. I don't even get off work until 730pm and the boss has decided to stay late!! Hopefully BJ won't be too tired at that late hour! Thanks again BJ for being the best sperminator ever!!

I think I may O tonight or tomorrow, can never be sure though. Next month I'm definately going to be listening to my body signals rather than relying on technology! All it did was mess with me this month. Oh..I will also try and not be so stressed! I didn't think I was, but my body is saying "Who are you kidding?"

Current item up for discussion is to home birth or not to home birth. I really really really want to do it at home. I think it's very natural for a woman to give birth and a hospital is not needed (unless it's a high risk pregnancy). DP isn't biting at the idea. She feels safer doing it in a hospital. I tried to find a happy medium by finding a birthing center here in San Ho, but no luck thus far. So I'm still working on it.

RC 1*CD 29

I have no CLUE what is going on!!??? I did think the timing was going great, but yesterday I was having extremly wet CM so I thought I would check out my cvx....and low and behold it was gaping!! I almost tossed that FTMT out the window! LOW!! How could it be low with soft, gaping, oozing cvx?? So, saddend by the fact I have not ovulated, I went to bed to await this mornings outcome.

As I awoke my temp was higher 97.5 and I turned on the FTMT, which did not want me to test!! But I decided to pee on a stick anyway (HA!) to see what the lines could tell me. To my non existent luck, the stick was defective and never reached a dark reading. All I could see were two faint lines that appeard to be identical. So I decided it would have told me PEAK. Excited by the fact I might be able to inseminate again, I called my partner to see if she had looked at the stick when she woke up. She thought the lines did not match and that my line was fainter and smaller than the test line. There goes my balloon phhhhhhhhhhhh!!

{sigh} So I have decided to just wait this one out and prepare for the next month (if I ever get there!) without anymore inseminations. I feel as if my body just may not ovulate at all this cycle due to the stress. I never knew, until now, how much this roller coaster effects my body. As I looked back upon my very first chart last time we TTCd 2 years ago, I found that cycle to look very similar to this one.

I am cosidering not using the FTMT next time around due to how much I relyed upon it this time. It was so expensive though, and I feel silly not using it when we have invested so much in that tool. {sigh} I will definately start checking my cvx again once I near ovualtion. I had decided not to do that this round due to the time it takes to check it. But I have learned that it really tells me a lot about what's going to happen or what is happening.

So this round was about learning and learn I did. I will take my new found knowledge and move on the the next coaster!

RC 1*CD 28

So we did it! We inseminated on Dec 30th & 31st and Jan 2nd. A total of 3 times.

I'm not sure what the outcome will be this time since our FTMT was unable to get a peak reading. I think because there were 2 days in there where we didn't get any sleep due to the arrival of B&H's new baby boy (what a cutie!). So the readings were inaccurate (same with 2 temps). So now it's onto the waiting game. FF hasn't given me the crosshairs yet. I think I may have actually ovulated on the 2nd or 3rd, but have no real way of telling. I just hope my temp rises tomorrow, so that way I know that I at least DID O.

So I'm not very hopeful this round since I'm not positive that O happend. Being around the new baby did give DP and I baby fever! Can't wait to get preggo!