Is it REALLY December??

Mood: Busy
Pain Scale: 5

I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted!! This last month has gone soooo fast and I can't believe it's only 6 days til Christmas!! Holy cow! Thanks to the readers who shook me and said "Where the hell are you?"

Ok, so some quick updates:

Thanksgiving - I went to my Dad's for Thanksgiving near Bend, OR. COLD. COLD. COLD. My ass was freezing! I should have packed some long johns, wait, I don't even OWN long johns. It was good. It was awesome to see 3 out of my 6 brothers and sisters. I also got to meet my nephew Tyler. He is adorable!! I had fun playing with him.

15 - We are still doing good!! I'm actually really happy that I decided to see her again. I really do adore her. We will be spending Christmas together and I'm super excited about it. We went and picked out a fresh Christmas tree and decorated it. And I have to say, it's one of the prettiest trees I've had in a long time!! We love to sit and stare at it (I know, silly us!). I surprised 15 with tickets to see the Colts play the Raiders (she is a huge football fan and these are her two favorite teams). It was so fun to share that with her. She looked liked a little kid all awe struck and wide eyed. It was even an exciting game as well!!

J - I still haven't talked to J and I don't care to. It's much better with her OUT of my life!

I've been busy shopping and trying to get things ready for Christmas. I'm pretty much finished shopping for gifts, now I just have to get the food.

Work is super busy cause the boss with be on vacation the week after Christmas, so that means I have to finish everything before he leaves. Our work holiday party is this Friday! Hopefully I don't get as sauced as last year!!!

15 and I will be going to see the SF Ballet's Nutcracker this weekend. I'm really excited about it. I've never seen it before and maybe it can be a new tradition.

All and all, everything seems to be going just fine. I feel like I'm moving on and life has a future again! I still can't wait till New Year's. I will be glad to say goodbye to 2007 and welcome 2008 with open arms!!

Off Again, On Again

Mood: Good
Pain Scale: 3

I started seeing 15 again! I know...crazy girl, but I couldn't legitimize not seeing her if I was missing her company so much! Life is short. So I called her up and we had dinner. It was really, really nice. I have strong feelings for her and vice versa. So the saga continues.

I haven't spoken with J for 3 weeks and that has helped me tremendously. I had to say goodbye and just cut it off. She was still playing her stupid games with me and I don't need that. It has actually helped me more than I thought it would and I don't feel the need to contact her. She has tried to contact me, but I just ignore it. She doesn't understand why I won't talk to her, even though I told her I'm tired of the games and goodbye. She'll give up eventually.

Work is crazy right now!!! Usually my job is mundane, but we had to let a key person go so it's been a little wacky. There are only 7 employees so we're like a little family here. It's hard for all the employees to adjust to the change. It's keeping me very busy!

I'm going to the ballet on Saturday to see the Carmina Burana performance. I can't wait!! I haven't been to the ballet in a long time. I love to see the non traditional ones the most, so I knew I would have to see this one! It should be good! I love dance!

The Weekend and Other Boring Updates

Mood: OK
Pain Scale: 3

Bowling went well on Sunday. A bit more meat marketish, but I still had fun. I think I may have a hard time finding friends, because it seems everyone wants something more from me, but we'll see.

Got the couches. YEAH!! and a little BOO! There was a nick on the back of one and they were very dirty. I called the customer service line and told them I wanted to exchange them for a new set. They said OK. No problems about the exchange so far. So, I have some couches, but soon they will be exchanged. Mildly annoyed I still don't have MY couches. Whatcha gonna do??

My pain has been fairly good lately, it's the excessive exhaustion that's kicking my butt. I get soooo tired. I haven't been sleeping very good either. It takes me forever to go to sleep. My mind just won't shut up!! Whenever I attend one of the social functions, it seems to really wipe me out. It sucks. I haven't quite figured out how to remedy that, maybe I just have to suck it up! STUPID FIBRO!!

I have been missing 15 the last couple of days. I really miss her company. Why do some things just not work?? I've been strong and not called or texted, but it definitely is taking lots of will power. I wish we could be friends!

Tiffany:
Thank you so much for your comments!! You pointed out some things I never really thought of and I definitely will try your suggestions. Your post really had an impact on me and I just wanted to let you know!! Thank you.

I Feel the Earth Move

Mood: Shaken!

...under my feet!!

Oh my god!! We just had an earthquake!! That was a good one! Not sure where it originated yet, but it was strong! Nothing fell and broke. I'm surprised.

I ran under a doorway thinking it would be gone quickly, but it just kept rumbling. I've been in them before, but usually it doesn't last that long. After it stopped, I thought to myself, I better get my ass outside in case it starts back up. Nothing yet. Hopefully there aren't any after shocks!!

Whew!! I am awake now!! I guess that's what I get for living in California.

**UPDATE**

A moderate earthquake occurred at 8:04:54 PM (PDT) on Tuesday, October 30, 2007.The magnitude 5.6 event occurred 8 km (5 miles) NNE of Alum Rock, CA. The hypocentral depth is 9 km ( 6 miles). 9 Miles from San Jose (where I am).

What Next?

Mood: More of the same
Pain Scale: 4

Just pondering what is next? I am soo out of sorts, I just don't know quite what to do with myself. Just trying to get by the day to day stuff right now. I'm trying to make a small goal for myself, cause I know that always helps with motivation, but can't seem to get myself going. It's hard to get out of bed just to face the new day. I know things will get better as time goes by, but right now time seems to go so slow.

I went to the kayak get together. I have to say, it was more fun than I thought is was going to be. I met some fun people. It didn't feel like a bunch of singles trying to hook up either. That was nice. No pressure. There is a bowling event this Sunday that I'm going to check out too. I was supposed to go to a Dinner last Thursday, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I don't like the stationary events. I like the idea of having something to do, able to move around. Makes me feel safer. I have socialization issues. Working on that too!

I went to a Halloween party last Saturday with a co-worker. That was fun. I dressed up as an Ice Queen. I had some big white fury go-go boots I had to put to use. I love Halloween. Being able to dress up as something else. Role playing is ALWAYS fun!! No real plans for the actual Halloween yet.

15 texted me Saturday night around 3am. I'm almost positive it was because she had been out partying. She said she missed me. I didn't reply back. It was hard, but I think if I reply it will just reopen what I had to close. I miss her tons. She was a great friend. I wish we could still be friends.

J actually texted me that night too. I had contemplated hanging out with her, and I almost did, but it didn't work out. I'm sure it was for the better. I haven't replied to her either. I'm having a hard time not talking with someone I spent 7 yrs with. She WAS my best friend. It's hard to go through life without one. I wonder if everyone goes through this after a horrible long term relationship break up? Thank goodness there are no kids involved. I couldn't even imagine the stress that would cause. But I do mourn the loss of the family we (or should I say I) dreamed of. It's a hard one to let go. Sometimes it causes me a lot of sorrow.

My new couches are supposed to be delivered on Sunday. I can't wait. I'm sooooo tired of not having a living room!! Hopefully what they tell me is true this time (it's a different furniture store). They're not as awesome as the first set of couches, but I still feel in love with them when I first saw them. I think they will be good!

Cry Me a River

Mood: Sad, sad and more sad
Pain Scale: 4

For some reason I just can't seem to shake the blues. I'm unmotivated, cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems wrong. I hate even getting out of bed in the morning. I think I'm in a little bit of a depression right now and I'm trying my hardest to dig my way out. I just don't have the energy.

Last Saturday J and I met up to sign the papers. So it's official. We're done. I think this is probably the cause of my emotional state. I didn't realize I was still holding on to her in some way and now she is REALLY gone. I'm having a hard time getting rid of the feelings I have for her. Some people tell me they will never go away, but just lessen with time. Arg. Why did she have to leave it this way? She was sad. I was sad. It was all just sad.

I'm supposed to be going kayaking this weekend with a group of girls. I've never met any of them. It's an online group of lesbians in the area just looking to make friends and be active together. I need to make some friends so I told myself I HAVE to go...I'm kind of grumbling and giving myself dirty looks. You know the kind you used to give your parents when they made you do something you didn't really feel like doing. I really hope it's fun and not full of a bunch of freaky deakys!!

15 is trying hard to win me back. She came to my house last Sunday after I wouldn't answer her calls and proclaimed her feelings for me. I tried my hardest to tell her again that it's not her, it's me and I'm just not ready. Today at work she brought me a dozen roses and a card. She says she just wants to date me and that she misses me in her life. She says nothing serious, just once a week or so. But we are never NOT serious. We are both very intense. I'm not sure we can do casual. I told her I would chew on the idea. I'm trying to stay strong in my stance of only being friends. She is soooo persistent! What the heck did I get myself into??? I've added more drama when I don't need any more. Oie.

I had to cancel my new couches and I'm very sad about that. Right now the only place to sit is on my bed and I'm getting really tired of always being in bed!! I really liked them and I looked long and hard for the perfect ones!! When I first purchased them they told me it would take 2 weeks. OK. I can deal with that. Two weeks go by, I call. One more week they say. Week goes by, I call. One MORE week. They call me the fifth week and tell me they won't be in till the middle of November because the company is waiting for the color of material I ordered to come in!! OMG!! I can not wait any longer!!! I NEED SOME COUCHES!! So, I cancelled them. Now I have to find another set of perfect couches. I feel soo tired. I should have known, it IS 2007...the worst year of my life!! I can't wait till 2008!

So, not much on the happy front here, hopefully I will have some uplifting news soon! Ok...FINE. I will try to find ONE positive note (dirty look to self) hmmmmmm...

Nothing comes to mind...Oh yes...soon I will learn how to gradually ass 6 tablespoons sugar!!! HEE HEE HEE! I love it! Makes me laugh every time!

Timing is Everything

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: Lots

I broke it off with 15 again last night. I felt horrible and don't even know if it was the right decision. All I know is I don't have the energy to put into another relationship. I'm not ready to compromise. My feelings for her are very strong and I love being with her, so it will be hard and lonely to say goodbye.

I feel like I'm floating. I don't know which direction is up. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I always thought I had control over my emotions and psychological well being, but I have been proven wrong this last week. I am still off balance and I can't seem to right myself. My wounds run deeper than I realized or should I say wanted to admit.

It's so frustrating that J will NEVER know the pain she has caused me. All I want to do is express this pain, but there just isn't any way that I can and it builds and festers until I have an uncontrollable melt down. I wonder how many more I will have to endure?

Until these pass, I can't invest in someone else. It's not fair to them and it's not healthy for me.

I'm truly sorry 15 and I wish you luck. I never wanted to hurt you and I really DID think I was ready to move forward with someone, but I was wrong. The past is still holding me back from having the future I can see with you. You are a beautiful, wonderful and amazing person and I will miss you dearly. If only our timing would have been better.

One Step Back

Mood: Depressed
Pain Scale: 5

I've had a really hard week this week. It seems my wound has been torn open and is bleeding. I feel so much pain. I just want it to stop and scab back up so it can continue to heal.

I don't know if it has to do with the final sale of the house or what, but I can't help but keep asking "Why would she do something like that?" I really don't understand. I invested so much into the relationship (a big NO NO from now on). I made so many sacrifices, figuring they would be returned. I feel I did more than she did. I don't know if that's accurate, but it sures feel like it.

Things I did for you:

• Worked by your side and helped run your business
• Stood by and supported you when we had to close the business
• Supported your goal of becoming a Fire Fighter Medic
• Worked 12+ hr days for almost 3 yrs so you could go to school for your career goal
• Financially supported us during that time
• Helped you study for exams (even after working 12hrs)
• Helped you rebuild your credit and put my name on major purchases
• Cheered you on during multiple strenuous Fire tests and interviews
• Gave you a second chance after you cheated the first time
• Took care of the house work and cooking most of the time
• Payed all the bills and managed our accounts
• Kept your secrets

Things you did for me:

• Financially supported us for 4 months after we sold the business
• Shared your family with me
• Took care of the house work while you were in medic school (6-8 months)
• Provided me with a car during the first part of the relationship
• Paid for your own schooling (except for your previous school loan I helped pay)
• Helped pay off the credit cards once you started working

How I see what you did:

Within a year of meeting your career goal you cheated...again. You argue that's not the way it was but funny it happened right after your probation period was about to end, guaranteeing employment, therefore making me dispensable. When I look back on the first time you cheated, it was also just after you graduated from Paramedic school and was hired by AMR. Again, making me dispensable. Since I was a sucker who believed in us and decided to stick it through, you decided to take advantage once again by going through Fire Academy while I still continued to support you.

You took what you wanted from me and then exited the relationship in a way that still required me to expel the most work and energy. You AGAIN took the easy road. I also believe you chose this route so you could tell people that I was the one who ended this relationship. In fact you have told me this yourself by telling me I was the one who decided to end the relationship and rejected you!! How this comment makes sense to you, I have no idea.

What about supporting me in my dreams? What about standing by me when I have something hard to go through like dealing with fibromyalgia? What did I get out of the deal? You re payed me by cheating and making me feel worthless. You could possibly be one of my biggest mistakes.

You made me feel:

• Used
• Small
• Stupid
• Angry
• Like Garbage
• Ugly
• Unwanted
• Disrespected
• Like a step on your ladder
• Drained
• Lost
• Like nothing
• Boring
• Never good enough

I guess I should give you credit for being the most deceitful person I have ever met and ever care to meet. You really did have the wool pulled over my eyes, but it has been ripped away and now I can see you for what you really are. I pity those who cross your path. You thought you could steal my strength from me, but you're wrong. You can't claim my strength and from now on I will be wary of whom I share it with.

Deflated Elated

Mood: Depressed
Pain Scale: 6

The house officially closed last Friday. I didn't expect to feel the sadness and anger that came with it. I thought I would be relieved and elated, which I was, but in a more deflated type way.

The buyers pulled a last minuet maneuver which angered me to NO end. They had us in a corner and we had to agree to an additional $750 credit. ARGGGGG!! This also renewed some anger for J, because all I could think of was she was the one who put us in this lame ass situation!! I am being punished for her actions! SUCKS!!

And then I got a bad haircut that day. perfect.

At least that part is FINALLY over. Now on to divorce papers, which J is reluctant to sign. She never wanted to marry me in the first place, so I don't see what the problem is. We did it for "insurance reasons". I guess now she thinks marriage IS important after all these years of telling me she didn't believe in it. WHATEVER! Just sign the damn papers! I wish we would have never done it in the first place. It kills me that it was just a year after becoming Domestic Partners (almost to the date) before she cheated!! And I always said I would NEVER get a divorce! Thanks J, you're a real winner!!

Hungry Girl

Mood: good
Pain Scale: 6

I just have to share this site with everyone!! I love it to bits! I've tried many a diets (who hasn't), when I finally gave in and tried Weight Watchers ( I always thought it was for old ladies). To my surprise it worked and it worked well. Their ideas fit my ideas on what healthy eating really is. It wasn't just some fad diet that was hard to follow and made you eat ridiculous things or follow strict insane rules. It was logical. It made sense. It gave me tools I will use the rest of my life.

Anyway, to get to the point, one day I was on the my yahoo home page when I spotted an article on a website called Hungry Girl. I clicked the link. Holy Cow!! A Weight Watcher member who started a site about healthy eating, portion control and point related information!! I loved it! She provides fun tips, gives you a heads up on new products, has recipes and lists the points value for most foods!! And the website is so cute to boot!!

There are shameless corporate plugs here and there, but I can overlook them for the fun information she provides. I love getting the Hungry Girl news letter every morning in my inbox, it helps me stay motivated and it's plain fun to read! Check it out!!

Passion

Mood: PMS
Pain Scale: 6




pas·sion [pash-uhn] noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3. strong sexual desire; lust.

4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.


Project 4 (the biggest project) for photo class is on something we are passionate about. We are to take 10-15 pictures on this subject depicting our passion as we see it. This Tuesday, a small essay describing our chosen passion is due and I can't think of anything!!

It's been awhile since I've been really passionate about something (besides 15). Living, breathing and staying sane has required most of my energy lately, I really haven't had much to spare for something else.

I've had a few ideas but nothing that really sparks my fire. My ideas so far:

dancing very passionate about, but hard to capture in pictures

15 not sure about sharing myself that much with a class of strangers

godkids may be hard to take/coordinate 10-15 pictures

board games so far my favorite idea

Rascal she isn't mine anymore

It has kind of concerned me that I couldn't come up with a passion right away. Hmmmm...I really had to think hard and I'm still not that satisfied with what I've come up with. I'll keep brainstorming.

Slacker

Mood: a tad sad
Pain Scale: 5

Yes, lashing with a wet noodle!! I have been slacking with the updates! A lot has happened in the last month. Let's see, where to start...

15:

Around the third week of August, I had decided to put on my running shoes and call it quits with 15. It wasn't that I didn't like her anymore, quite the opposite. It was the fact that we were getting so serious and I could actually see her in my future! The words girlfriend, relationship, commitment, disaster, dishonesty and imminent pain were firing through my brain like a machine gun! The words shot past the voice of logic faster than it could cross fire. So, on came the tennis shoes and I told 15 I was running, fast. There was no real warning for what I had to tell her and it definitely shocked her.

I have to admit, it was hard not seeing or talking to her. I missed her a lot. I missed her laugh, our conversation, our time together. But I also enjoyed my alone time and freedom from worrying about someone else. After a couple of days I decided to email her and ask her if this meant we couldn't still hang out and be friends. She replied that she would love to still be friends and that she missed my company.

So...we arranged to hang out the following day and well....it's a little more than friends. What can I say, when you have a connection, you HAVE a connection. I feel like the communication between us is much better and the "break" was definitely for the better. I think we both needed a reality check.

As of today we are regularly seeing each other and really enjoying each other's company and going with the flow. All you can do is go with what life throws at you and try to live it to the fullest!

---

School:

I started Photography 001 on August 27th. I am super excited about it!! I can't wait to start printing my photos. It's a black and white class. The first portion we are using 35mm film and then half way through we have the option of switching to digital. I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY!!

I will be developing my first two rolls of film today! I can't wait to be able to make prints!! Hopefully!! My lazy ass will post some picture for you all to critique!!

My dream job would be a photographer, so this is my first step in that direction!! How exciting! I love it when life seems full of potential and limitless boundaries!!

---

J:

The fourth week of August I found out that J's grandma was dying. We all knew that she was sick, but she had done such a good job of keeping how sick she was a secret, that we didn't realize just HOW sick she was. I had made arrangements that weekend to drive up to Crescent City (J's home town) to visit her before she passed. I didn't make it, she died that Thursday.

So, I left a day earlier and followed J and her brother up. It was hard to be drawn back into the family that isn't mine anymore. It was emotional. I had to spend 3 days with J, when I hadn't seen her in a month. I think it was a little easier on me than it was on her. She asked me to come back at least once a day and I had to repeat my stance over and over again. She still told me she wasn't giving up on us.

The hardest part for me was Rascal. It was soo hard to see my dog. I know, sounds silly, but she was my baby for 6 years. I miss her sooo much. I wish I could keep her, but I can't. I know J would just use her as an excuse to stay in my life and I just can't handle that. I need her gone so I can recover. She has cost me so much.

---

That's where I'm at. I think I'm still recovering from the weekend with the ex-family. I have a lot of sadness right now. Sometimes I just feel out of place and foreign to my new way of thinking, feeling and being. I can't wait until time has healed some of my wounds. I am so ready to move on!!

Grrrrrrrrrrr....

Mood: Angry

Pain Scale: 7



I have found that I still harbor a lot of anger towards J. It could be that it's being amplified by my PMS, but nevertheless I've felt it strongly this last week. I've had a hard time not saying mean things to her or calling her just to rant and rave at how I think this sucks and how unfair and heartless it is.



Sometimes shock hits me unexpectedly as I fumble through this totally new life and the anger and hurt come tumbling back. My path has totally been unpaved. The future I had worked for and visualized after so many years has been carelessly tossed away like a meaningless piece of trash. Sometimes I remember conversations we had about our plans, our hopes and our dreams. I get so infuriated that she had some of those conversations with me while she knew she was planning something different. She was already repaving her path while destroying mine after each blind footstep I took.



I replay some of her actions the month before I found out. She was so cold, calculating and selfish. Even some of the things she said when I confronted her still shocks me. I guess even when I look back, she has always been selfish, I just never recognized it for what it was.



I do blame myself for some of this. I put too many of my interests aside for hers. I foolishly put all my eggs in one basket. I let her be more important than me. I ignored the hard lesson I have already learned; No matter how much you think you know someone, you NEVER really do. Touché!



It just kills me that she could be so heartless and cold.



The hardest part I've found is not mending my heart, but trusting in someone else. I will have a hard time with that. I also wonder if a chance for a family has passed me by. Everyone comments that I'm still young, but I know I'm going to have issues when it comes to trying to get pregnant again. Not physical, but emotional. I have a feeling that starting that process again will trigger bad feelings and memories. I have a lot of anger towards that as well. What a mind-fuck she did. I don't think she can even imagine the damage she caused there. Only someone who's been doing the whole TTC thing could understand the mental, emotional and physical preparation you go trough trying to conceive and then to have your partner cheat during that process!!! WTF??? Well...at least I found out before we got pregnant. I am VERY thankful for that. Things always happen for a reason...right?



So, screw you J. I don't want to know you anymore. You don't deserve to be in my life. You don't get any part of me. You let me go. I'm taking care of me now, NOT YOU!

Portland

Mood: Good

Pain Scale: 6



Did I ever tell you that I LOVE PORTLAND!!! It was sooooooooo good to visit. I always forget (or maybe I just deny) how much I love that damn city. It really is where I consider home.



It was great to see the extended family. I haven't seen many of them in sooo many years. It was weird to see all my little cousins grown up and with kids!! My brother made a comment to me, "So, it looks like you're the only one without kids." Yeah...thanks for rubbing it in little bro! Nothing like family honesty. It was a good time.



I forget how crazy my grandma can be. So listen to this: I was sitting there eating some bbq, when I looked over on the table and saw softballs, Frisbees, horse shoes and about 20 pairs of nylons (yes, women's nylons). I looked at my mom and said "What the heck are all those nylons for??"

She started to laugh and said "Grandma has this fun game we play. You put a ball in one of the legs of the pantyhose, tie the other leg around your waist so that the ball is hanging between your legs. Then another ball is placed on the ground in front of you. Everyone gets in a line and trys hit the ball on the ground over the finish line using only the ball in the nylon around your waist (no hands). The first person to the finish line wins."

So if you haven't already imagined what this looks like, let me help you out. You look like you have a huge sagging nut sack and you're humping the air trying to swing it!! Twisted!!! I about fell on the ground laughing!!! Love them...LOVE THEM.



I also got to see my best friend Cindy Lou!! I love that girl. She looked sooo good! I love hanging out with her. No matter how long it's been, we can always pick up where we left off like it's only been a day. The last time I saw her was two years ago. She looked the happiest I've seen her in a long time. We also accomplished a Ninja Mission (hee hee hee). We used to do those all the time in high school (pranks on friends). We were sooo giddy with excitement! Damn I miss her. She will always have a special spot in my heart!



So...when I returned home it made me say to myself, "What the hell am I doing in San Jose?" I really don't like it here. I never have. I mean, I moved to be in Santa Cruz, not San Jose. So, I'm seriously considering moving back next April. Why not. I just feel more at home there. The pace is slower, the people are real, the city is gorgeous and I can afford to live!!



I LOVE PORTLAND!!

Day by Day

Mood: Content

Pain Scale: 5



So...we had the talk. It went well. At first she seemed a little freaked out, but as I tried to explain it she seemed to understand where I was coming from and reciprocated the need to take it slow (like any lesbian can do that!). So, we decided to take it day by day and see where it takes us. Phewwww. It just feels uber good to get that off my chest and out in the open...not that it has really changed the way we have been behaving.



Another offer on the house has been given, so hopefully that damn place will sell!! I can't wait to sever that last tie. Lately I've been really angry at J. It still amazes me how someone can treat another person the way she treated me after sooo many years. I know there are worse case scenarios and that this type of thing happens all the time, but I liked my la-la land of stupidity and happily ever after!



J is still trying to get me to come back. It really insults me that she thinks I would want to take her back after how cold she was. Does she really think I have no self worth??!! She says all those things you would expect: I still love you, I wouldn't do it again, you know we were good together, blah blah blah! I don't believe a damn word that comes out her mouth!! I see her now as a manipulative selfish person who saw someones weakness and exploited it to the fullest.



Wow...yesterday I was in soooo much pain, I almost cried a couple of times! Too much parting this weekend. I hate this fibromyalgia shit! It such a crock! I'm young I shouldn't feel this way! My whole body was sensitive to the touch and all I wanted to do was sleep. Yuck. I need to start taking it easy. Not sooo much partying like a rock star!! But damn it....I had fun!

Timing

Mood: Confused

Pain Scale: 6



I'm confused. I wish I would have met 15 a year from now. She makes me breathless, I love hanging out with her, I can see her in my future, we have a REAL connection and yet I know I'm not ready for a committed relationship. I keep pondering how I should say it to her. I know she knows where I'm at, but I don't want to hurt her even if she's willing to take that chance. I don't think it's fair for her to have to wade through my shit! She deserves someone who is going to be able to contribute 100% and I just can't do that right now. It sucks. I really wish I could. You just don't meet someone like her very often. Damn timing! Curse it!!



It's very frustrating to have such strong feelings but not have the energy to pursue it. I'm going to try and bring it up tonight and let her know where I'm at. We'll see how it goes. I don't really want to stop seeing her, but I don't know if it's possible for us to continue without our feelings getting more and more involved. She's ready for a lifetime and I'm just not.



On the lighter side, I'll be going back home for a family reunion next weekend. Should be interesting. 15 is supposed to come with me. We'll see. I haven't seen this side of the family in a million years!! I mean, seriously, it's been at least 10yrs. I'm excited to be going back to Portland. I love that fucking city!! Hopefully I'll get to see my best friend Cindy Lou!!

I'm in Trouble

Mood: Giddy

Pain Scale: 3



15 is truly rocking my world right now. It scares the shit out of me!! She herself is pretty frightened as well. We definitely were not prepared to meet each other. Where the hell did she come from? I never imagined I would have such intense feelings so soon. I thought I would never feel this way ever again. I was pretty much convinced of it even though everyone just laughed and said I would eventually feel that way again someday. SOMEDAY. My definition of someday is somewhere down the road...like a year from now, not a couple of months!!



What can you do? I don't know where we're going, but I refuse to just let these feelings be put aside in the name of "how things should be". I mean...how often do you really find something like this. Maybe I'm naive and you meet people who leave a lasting impression on you all the time, but in my experiences I have a hard time finding people I really connect with, let alone someone who captures my heart.

I'm in trouble.



I had to go to the house this last weekend. It sucked. I hate that place, I can't wait for it to sell. I also talked with J. Sunday was ok. I told her about 15 and she said she was happy for me. WHAT? I wasn't expecting that response. I think she is up to some Gemini game. I was only there for a couple of hours and it drained the energy right out of me!!



I had to go back on Monday. J called me Monday morning all stressed out about money and selling the house. She upset me. I looked back on the conversation to try and figure out just what she said that made me soo upset. All I could come up with is she just makes me feel responsible, stupid, and beneath her in some way. I don't know if it's just the tone she uses or the way she phrases things. I try to not let it get to me, but she can get to the core of me. So, all Monday I was a mess...again. I hadn't felt that way in soo long. Now I know that she really has an affect on me, because when I don't see her or talk to her I feel better. I know that if I want to heal I'm not going to be able to see or talk to her on a regular basis. Not that I really wanted to anyway.



Everyone cross your fingers that the house sells soon!!!

Good Hair Girl

Mood: Infatuated


Pain Scale: 3



I've met someone.



The story goes:

Some friends and I decided to go out dancing at one of the local gay clubs. LK said she was going to be my wing-man and find me a girl. I laughed "I'm not ready for a girl!" As we were all standing there sipping our cocktails she points and says "How bout that one, she has good hair." As I turn to check her out, one of the other friends runs over and invites the girl to come over and meet me.



WOW! She does have good hair! She's cute too! We talk a little, both of us obviously feeling awkward, then I ask her to dance. We go to the dance floor dance a couple of songs (she's a good dancer too) and talk some more. She asks if I would like to see her again and I say yes and we exchange phone numbers. My friends come and say it's time to go and we part ways.



Good Hair Girl (aka 15) texts me about 15 min later telling me she was glad she met me and thinks that I'm beautiful. I text her back that it was nice to meet her and she's not so bad herself. At this point, I'm feeling weird. I haven't really met anyone I've been attracted to in such a long time. Part of me feels like I'm cheating even though I'm single. I contemplate whether I should call her later or not.



A couple of day later in the week, I decide to text her (because I can't stop daydreaming about her) and wish her a good week. She responds back and that's the end of our texts. That Saturday she texts me to see if I wanted to hang out. I was actually busy that day, but we agreed to meet up on Sunday for lunch. I'm hella nervous and excited. I think to myself "This is so crazy feeling!!"



Lunch was great. We had a lot in common and connected well. We were both very attracted to one another. Conversation was easy. Only downfall was I found out she is a Gemini. Damnit. That's what J is.



After lunch we decide to take a walk in the a park, as we aren't ready to part ways yet. We end up staying at the park for hours just talking. I tell her where I'm at emotionally and she says she understands. I'm reluctant to engage in the feelings I'm having for her. We part ways with a hug. I leave feeling very giddy.



Next weekend we go to gay pride together. I meet her friends and we all have dinner and hang out together. As the night wears on I invite her back to my hotel and she stays the night with me. WOW. Let's just say...very compatible.



At this point I'm very surprised and confused by my feelings. The last time I felt this way was when I met J. I really didn't expect to meet someone I connected so well with so soon. I mean, I expected to meet a couple of someones eventually and have a good time, but not a CONNECTION. I'm not sure if I should trust these feelings or not. I don't think they are the results of my broken heart, but how do I tell. I know she is having intense feelings for me too. We both scare each other, but have decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. It's hard to get her out of my head and that freaks me out!!



Life has sooo many unexpected turns. sigh. Any advice from cyber space?



Did I mention she's a 15??

On the Up

Mood: Not bad, Not great

Pain Scale: 4



A lot has been happening lately. I've definitely kept myself busy.





First news. The sale fell through. PHEWY!! They didn't have enough money for the down payment the loan company required. Damn. The house is back on the market and hopefully we'll get another offer any day now!! }}}}}buy vibes{{{{{{



Second news. I've moved. I feel relieved as well as sad. It feels weird to be living all by myself after co-inhabiting with J for 6 yrs, but it feels good not to be surrounded by the memories of us. I feel like I'm finally moving on. Going forward. This is my space. I have a lot of unpacking to do, but somehow it feels kind of therapeutic. I can't wait to decorate!! I have so many plans. Maybe I'll get around to posting some pictures!



Whenever I have to go back to the old place I feel that heavy depressing sadness the house now embodies and it's awful!! I didn't really understand how much it affected me by staying there until I was away from it. No wonder I always felt so awful! I hate going back and I can't wait for it to sell so I can close that chapter.



Third news. I got a gig as a Go-Go dancer at the new local gay club. I'm super excited about it. I love to dance and I've always thought it would be fabulous to get paid doing it without having to get naked, but still be sexy!! I had my first night last Saturday.



When I had first talked to the owners, they had only wanted me to dance on Thursdays (ladies night), but after my audition they asked me to come back THAT same night to dance. Whoooo Yaaaa!! That made me feel good! It was a lot tougher than I thought. I don't know if it was because I had moved all day and was already sore and tired or it will be a usual occurrence every time I shake my booty!



My new friend J-Hawaii came to support me on my first night. She said she wanted to be the first person to tip me a dollar. I was stoked that she came!! She's a rock star!!



Dancing was a blast and I can't wait to do it this Thursday for some ladies!!



Conclusion. So all and all things seem to be looking up this week. I hope it stays that way, though I know I still have some lows to look forward to if I'm going to be completly honest with myself. {sigh} I still miss her dearly, but life doesn't seem as hopeless today.

Sale Pending

Mood: Exhausted

Pain Scale: 7



Well, we have an offer on the house and it looks like it will sold by July 10th. Part of me is relieved and another part is sick with sorrow. It sucks to be selling our house. I am so not ready to move and be on my own.



J has already gotten another house and is staying there. I hate that I'm stuck still living in the house that was ours surrounded by all the memories, being inconvenienced by people coming to look at the house in a moments notice and taking care of the sell of the house while she gets to move on and choose when she wants to come "home" to pick stuff up. I should be the one to leave her with all the responsibility!! This whole deal just isn't fair!



Her birthday was really hard for me. I didn't think it would effect me so much. It sucked. I was down the whole day...actually the whole weekend. I didn't see her. She was in the city with her family (so she says). I tried to make plans to distract me, but no one was available. It didn't help that I had to try and find some place to go while they showed the house. This wouldn't be a problem, but I have to take Rascal with me and that complicates things. No shopping. No movies. It's either the park or work. BLAH!! All I wanted to do was be home vegging out in my own bed!



J's mom may be coming down this weekend and J asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with them. I am sooo torn over what I should do. I love her mom dearly and would love to see her, but just the thought of not having her as my mom-in-law brings me to tears. I don't know if I'm ready to see her yet. J's family is really close. My family is not. I talked more with her mom than my own. Part of my pain is the lose of her family, they are such a great support system and I love how close they all are. It's hard to think I won't be a part of that anymore. I feel family less. I don't want to go back to no family support. This sucks.



Ok. I should find something positive...I went out to dinner with the new friend from Splash (we'll call her J-Hawaii). We went out to Thai. It was awesome. We had great conversation and I can see being friends with her for a long time. She was fun! Also my house should be done by next week, so hopefully I can move in on Father's day weekend.

Where do I go?

Mood: Confused

Pain Scale: 6



Where do I go from here? I was preparing to be a mother. I had decided to give up my dreams for a family. Maybe I should rephrase that...one of my dreams WAS to have a family. I had fully dedicated myself to having a family. Where do I go from here? I don't know the single me. What do I do? I can truly say that I'm going through family withdrawal. The only "true" family I considered mine was hers. I know, sad.



Did I tell you our friend is pregenant?? FUCK HER!!! Sorry preggo ladies, I'm a bit bitter.



I am trying to get back in touch with my biological family. It is hard. There are lots of boundaries that have yet to be tested. I have 5 adopted brothers and sisters and yes, it's a bit of an issue with me. I hate to say it. I feel sooo evil (maybe more insight later). My family doesn't communicate. We don't say what is really there. We are in a sense a "fake family". Do I have enough strength to break through the silence? There seems to be sooo much hurt. Do I dare open that can? I know I want to, but is it a drama I am ready for? My brothers and sisters and I can't seem to acknoledge the whole truth yet. I blame a lot of this on my parents. I know life is life, but still I can't seem to break free from placing blame somewhere.



It's HER birthday this weekend. I bought her a really nice gift. I know she will like it. I don't know if I bought it to show my love or to show her what she has lost. She is now in the depression stage and keeps talking about getting back together. I wish we could. I don't know if it would ever work. I know in my heart it wouldn't, but my optimistic side tells me it could. I love her to death and fear I will never find another. Everyone keeps telling me it happened for a reason, but right now I can't see THAT reason.



Why, why, why? Did I tell you I love booze right now? It seems like the only thing to keep me sober. I know, weird. I need to kick it along side the nicotine! We're only human. Is it me, or is this the worst thing I have EVER experienced??? I hope I never experience anything remotely close to it!! I thought my parents divorcing was a dousy...little did I know!

Bleeding

Mood: Complete Devestation

Pain Scale: 6



I am bleeding in more ways than one. My heart is bleeding as well as my body.



This period has been so hard for me. It symbolizes the child that will never be. I feel the pain of the loss as I shed. I can't stop crying about it. I wanted a family soo badly. I thought that was what she wanted too. Why would she lead me to believe in that??



The physcial symbolisim is soo unbearable. I just want it to stop! It's like an eternal negative pregnancy test. It reminds me that there will be no family, she doesn't want you, you are alone and most likely you will never have children.



I don't want to be here. These feelings are so overwhelming. I just want them to be gone. I can't get away from them. Nothing helps. I need out of here!!!

The Lost Shoes

Mood: Lonely/Sad

Pain Scale: 7



I forgot to mention my crazy Saturday night.



So, if you read my previous post regarding going out last Wednesday, I did work up the nerve to go out. It was a total bust. There were only about 6 people in the bar and only 4 were females. I did however meet someone and had good conversation. No dancing though. Since the whole reason for going out on Wednesday was to do some booty shakin', the newbie friend and I decided to give it another shot on Saturday.



Saturday:

Newbie friend ditched. I was sad. I had spent that day shopping for something new to wear and had psyched myself up. One of my purchases were these great pair of patent leather heals...yes, they were hot and not that uncomfortable I might add. So, I decided, "To Hell with it, I'm going anyway." I got ready and called myself a cab.



Upon arriving the bar wasn't super hoppin' and they were having some kind of beauty contest for the upcoming pride. No dance music. I went to the bar and ordered a drink and asked the bartender if they were going to have their usual Saturday evening dance fest. He said yes and I was relieved. I guess I'll stay a little longer.



While drinking my beverage, the girl next to me started up a conversation. We talked for a while and then she invited me to go have dinner with her and some of her buddies. Off we went. It was good conversation and nice to actually be out with PEOPLE!!



We went back to the bar and the dancing had begun. So...in true LB fashion I started to shake it!! Yeah, I'm finally dancing. I danced with the folks I had just met for a couple hours and had a couple drinks. Ok. That's a lie. More than a couple. I was pretty wasted.



The girl and her friends said goodbye and left (don't worry I got the digits). I tried to call another cab, but the dispatcher told me I had to call another number. Hello....this girl is drunk!! I can't remember some random number. One of the security guards told me he would walk me to a nearby hotel where I could catch a cab.



Upon walking to the hotel I took my beloved shoes off. I got in the cab and was headed home.



Next morning:

Where the heck are my hot shoes??? CRAP!! I left them in the cab...what cab line was it??? Damn it, I can't remember. SHIT. Needless to say my shoes are lost but I had a good time. Damnit, I LOVED those shoes.

Drained

Mood: Depressed

Pain Scale: 8



I am sooo tired today. The littlest things seem to overwhelm me. I just want to curl up in a ball on my comfortable bed and go to sleep and shut out the world. On the other hand I hate being in the house we once called ours. The house we bought to start a family in. The memories I see as I look around drain and depress me too. I feel there isn't anywhere for me to go...I can't get away. I'm stuck in this horrible hell where change I didn't choose is imminent but I have no control on when it will happen. I wish the damn house would sell already so I could get the fuck out of dodge.



I just can't wait for it to be behind me already. I hope the next upcoming years go by quickly. I feel like it will take forever for my heart and soul to heal from soooo much pain. At this time, I also can't wait not to see HER ever again. I don't want her in my life. She has taken so much from me that I can't see even being friends with her. She has yet to realize this even though I tell her over and over again I don't want to know her anymore.



She is in denial. And I think a small part of her still thinks I will come back to her abusive ways. Ummmmm...NO WAY. Things won't change.



I gave you a second chance and look how that turned out for me. HORRIBLE. Fuck you! I'M moving on with my life WITHOUT you. I don't deserve that kind of bullshit and I know that you will never change. I don't believe any of the lies you try to fill my head with. You do not love me.



Goodbye.

I'm doing

Mood: Poopy

Pain Scale: 6



Thank you for those of you who sent me some words of encouragement. I'm doing. Yeah...just doing. Not good. Not horrible. Just there. Sometimes it's all I can do not to cry and then sometimes it's all I can do not to set our house on fire in rage.



I have another appointment with the shrink tomorrow. I'm not sure she is meshing well with me. They say you should give a new shrink at least 4 tries before moving on. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.



I signed up at a Pilates gym and will have my first private session next Monday. This is exciting. I've always loved Pilates and I think it will be good for the mind and soul. I consider it my healing process (this is my reasoning behind the outragous money I will spend on it). And...I have to admit...I want a smokin' body by the time Pride rolls around. This will be my first SF pride single and you better believe I'm going wild. Anyone want to join me???? You buy the ticket, I'll put you up.



Tonight I'm contemplating going out to the local gay club. It's ladies night. I just don't know if I have enough balls to go by myself. I'm still trying to talk myself into it. I just need to make some damn friends and DAMN IT, it's hard to meet people. *sigh* We'll see once 830 rolls around.



I don't want to be single. I want my family. :(

Jokes on Me

Mood: Devastated

Pain Scale: 1 million



If anyone has been following this hopeless blog, it's been awhile since I've checked in. Well, that's because I've checked out.



On March 16th I discovered the woman to whom I thought I would share my life with is cheating. She chose a shiny worthless coin over a dull priceless collectible.



I have so many questions that can not be answered and it drives me crazy. Why would she even consider pretending to want to start a family if that wasn't what she wanted? Why put me through that only to totally crush me? I don't understand.



I thought I knew her. You don't know anyone. The only person you can trust is yourself.



Not only is it hard to say goodbye to the woman I loved for 7yrs, but also the family we had dreamed of building. I thought we would be on the way to motherhood right now. Now I'm alone, 30 and have to start all over. What the FUCK.



Why couldn't she just tell me how she was feeling? Am I that hard to talk to? Why play the fucking mind games with me? Damn it.



I have never felt pain like this before and I hate her for introducing me to it. Sure it would have been hard for her to tell me that she thought things weren't working out, but not has hard as the rejection and deception I feel from her running around behind my back. I can't believe a word she says to me. I feel everything she tells me is a fucking lie.



Girls suck.



I'm going to see a therapist on Monday to help me sort out my issues. I need help.



What type of person does that????

T Minus 8 Days

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 4



Only 8 days until the Conception Roller Coaster is due to begin! I can't believe it's almost here! I feel like we've been in the planning stages for eons. I'm ready for action! (Of course AF could trick me and elude her visit for a few days just to drive me insane.)

I Wear Shoe Size 7, Wanna Try It On?

I need to vent to the world of TTCing women!



*Disclaimer: I love my partner to death! She is very supportive and very understanding but...



she doesn't get why I'm soooo obsessive about this whole charting, temping, counting, looking, prodding, journaling, cycle thing and why I have a hard time not thinking about it! Tonight she was talking to her brother and when she got off the phone I couldn't help but ask...



"So (treading lightly cause I know she doesn't like this question), I know you hate when I ask, but do the boys know that we're planning on IUI next cycle?"



"Yeah, I mean, they know they need to get the blood work done and stuff and that it's coming up soon."



"But, don't you think we should double check and make sure they know it's coming up VERY soon?"



"I haven't had a chance to get in depth about it yet. He's had a stressful week and I don't want to add that as well."



I let it drop.



I understand it's hard to bring the "I need your sperm" subject up, but I'm starting to get edgy regarding the nearing cycle coupled with having no REAL confirmation. I'm starting to feel like this cycle may not happen because there may not be enough pre-warning for him OR the blood work won't be in on time.



I also try to convey to her that since we will be starting Clomid, I HAVE to know before I call the doc. I don't want to take drugs if there aren't going to be any swimmers!!



A while later we were standing in the bathroom while she was getting ready for work when I brought the subject back up and stated:



"I'm thinking I'll have to tell the Dr. I peaked the day before my FTMT Peak, because otherwise she will want to insem too late."



"Yeah, you mentioned that the other day. Can't we talk about something else? Is that ALL we have to talk about? We talk about this all the time. You're obsessing. Don't obsess!"



~~Silence~~



"The car will be ready on Monday." I say as she laughs because we had already talked about this earlier today.



Don't obsess!! Yeah, easier said than done! Let's see if you can get TTC out of your mind when your day goes like this:



0430 take temperature go back to sleep until

0530 pee on a stick for the FTMT

0600 make tea because you quite coffee for the pregnancy

0730 get online and enter data to your TTC chart

1300 stop drinking water and don't pee so you can pee on a stick at home

1400 enter more data online

1530 get home and rush to the bathroom to pee on a stick

1700 go to the gym and work out the muscles needed for childbirth

2100 go to bed to start it all over again

AND throughout the day eat healthy to loose weight for pregnancy

AND go to any Dr. appointments needed for TTC

AND guesstimate when your next period is going to start and when O may happen

AND answer the "Are you trying yet?" question from the people who know

AND continuously see pregnant women and babies everywhere!



Go ahead try it? I Dare you....hmmmm are you having a hard time not thinking about it? Come on it can't be THAT hard! Really? You wouldn't say.



And let's face it...here is an example of my office story for today:

"I wrapped the bosses presents to his wife for her birthday today."



And your shift story for today:

"We went to a stabbing last night and we had to rush the guy to the hospital. Whoa! He was bleeding all over the place."



Hmmmm...sounds like my story isn't even worth mentioning!! It makes it hard to have other things to talk about when I'm working in an office with ONE other person and NO foot traffic. And on top of that my partner is a freakin' paramedic whom saves lives in one of the busiest cities in the US!! SHEEESH! The best work story I ever had was when we were trying to trap Gary the Mouse!!



~shrug~



Maybe I AM obsessing too much. Maybe I AM the only woman TTCing that thinks about it this much. But I tell ya, I can't help it! And as the time gets closer and closer the worse it seems to get.



Thanks for the ear. It really does help. And any EMS/FIRE/POLICE wives out there...send me a shout out.

Candy Mountain

Mood: Happy

Pain Scale: 3

Weight: 131

I know...I have a weird sense of humor...but I still have to share!! Come on, it's going to be a cult classic!

Shun the nonbeliever!!

Pondering Clomid

Mood: irritable & bloated

Pain Scale: 4



It is driving me crazy with the unknown of what clomid will do to my cycle. I feel like I need to plan and plot to the best of my abilities for the upcoming cycle, but then again what will the clomid do??? Will I have a 28 day period like the majority? Will I have strong ovulation pains? Will my CM dry up? Will I be a raving bitch? Will anyone want to be around me? Will the FTMT read the same? Will I pop more than one eggy? Will my lining be too thin? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The questions just keep coming!



I am typically one who likes to read all the directions so that I have all the information necessary before jumping into any situation. But this...there are no set of directions!! Anything can happen!! I've finally come to know my body's fertility signs and now they are going to change. OH THE PRESSURE!! Ok...breath...calm down...whew, I was working myself into a frenzy! I guess the best thing is to just go with the flow. I can't forecast what's going to happen and I just have to live with that. *sigh* The perfectionist must let go....wave bye, bye.

---

No coffee yet!!!! Yippee!

29 Sticks Later

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 3


Yippee!!! Finally! I feel like I've peed on all the sticks in the world!! It's all down hill from here. Next period should be here in about 2 weeks!! I am SO excited (I never get used to getting excited about AF). I really, really, really, really, really, really hope that the boys are ready!! If they're not...I will go crazy!! KD still needs to go in for the blood work for Dr. Z and I believe he is still waiting on the results of another test he did on his own.



Wouldn't that be wild if it worked on the first try?? I know, don't get my hopes up...but it's sooo hard. With this cycle taking soooo long, it looks like I will be in first week of the 2ww while in Vegas if my next cycle is around 35 days (my average is 37). No booze for me. Oh well it's worth it! Vegas will always be there. On the other hand, who knows what the Clomid is going to do to my cycle. That part of it is all unknown.

---

I am drinking green tea as I type. No coffee (yet) today. Thanks Jude for the encouragement!

I'll try it again

Ok. I'm gonna try again to cut out coffee tomorrow. No, I swear.



No coffee.

Insomnia

Mood: Dazed and Confused

Pain Scale: 4

Weight: 131.6



I can NOT sleep!! It's been like this for the past week. It's really starting to tick me off because it's messing up my chart! When I get home from work I am drop dead tired. I usually go to bed after J leaves for work, 7:30. I read for awhile and then shut out the lights. Sometimes I can't fall asleep right away and sometimes I can fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times during the night. And I most definitely ALWAYS wake up at 3:30am. What is up with that!! I have no idea why my internal clock has to wake me up at 3:30!!



Last night J went to the city to hang out with some friends from work and I just couldn't sleep!! I tossed and turned all night. I probably slept a few hours and those few hours were filled with nightmares (ewwww). I woke up multiple times. The last time I woke up was at 1:30 after a rather disturbing nightmare and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Our dog was getting ticked off at me for tossing and turning (she would grumble and snuf at me every time I turned over) so I watched the smurfs until J got home at 5:00am.



I hope this goes away soon!! I don't know how much longer I can function on 2-3 hours of sleep!! And no, I haven't kicked that damn coffee habit yet. I'm sure it would help with my sleep issues if I did. Damn stuff is addicting!!

Blah!

Mood: Crappy

Pain Scale: 6



I just feel crappy today. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the TTC journey or the weather but I'm in a poopy mood!



I have so much self doubt. J and I keep arguing over the smallest stuff. It's raining outside, take that back, now it's hailing. Our car is in the shop. My boss is out of town for the week (in a normal world this would be good, but he is the only other person in the office and it gets lonely after one day). J is working an OT shift on Sat (more alone time). I want chocolate.



Blah! I am soooo tired of being with myself! I can't wait until J doesn't work nights anymore!

Fibs

Mood: Sore

Pain Scale: 6

Weight: 132



I was pondering just how am I going to come up with excuses for all the IUI appointments???



I work in a really small office (me + the boss). I work from 7am - 3pm, so it is a possibility to make all my appointments after 3pm. But is this realistic? At this point I don't know how many ACTUAL appointments there will be. We haven't discussed if we will be monitoring this first cycle or not.



If it ends up just being the IUI appointment, I can probably pull it off, but what if I have to go in every couple days to monitor??? How did others fool their bosses? What if this takes more than 3 months!!! Oie!



I don't plan on telling the boss that we're trying to get pregnant. In fact, I don't plan on saying anything until we're pregnant and in the second trimester. This may be hard. Since he is the only other person in the office he might start to notice bouts of Clomid hysteria, mysterious reoccurring sickness and a bountiful of dentist/doctor appointments.



So far my plan is to blame it on the accident and say I have physical therapy. I think this plan may serve me well for a month or two. After that, who knows.

---

I'm still on the Joe. Can't seem to stop. Will keep trying. Weak.

Our Rear-End

Mood: Angry

Pain Scale: 7

Weight: 132.4



We were rear-ended on Monday. Funny enough I had played hookey from work to hang out with the wife when the incident occurred. We were on our way home sitting STOPPED at a red light when WHAM!!! This guy barrels into us at approx. 25-30 mph!! We heard no screeching breaks or anything. I hit the steering wheel and my knee hit the dashboard. Wife hit the dashboard and her coffee went everywhere. Rascal (our little chihuahua) thankfully was guarded by our arms and didn't hit anything.



I was stunned and dazed just sitting in the car at first. DP, being a paramedic, jumped out of the car to check on the other driver once she realized WE were ok. He was ok too. Our cars are another story.



We called the police to get a police report and yesterday we noticed that the report is CRAP! It doesn't say anything on it!!! It doesn't even have the areas of impact circled on the little diagram. I'm hoping the cop is typing one up at the office and we will receive it in the mail shortly. He better!



The driver said a big truck had drove by (which we saw too) and splashed mud on his windshield so he couldn't see. It had also just started to rain. I want to know, why the hell was he going so fast if he couldn't see out of his windshield!!! He also stated that he worked in the area, which means he KNEW there was a red light there. What is wrong with people??!!!



Our car (2005 Toyota Corolla S) was drivable. His was not. He was driving a Ford Taurus (wagon I think). It was totally crunched in. Fluid was leaking from it. It wouldn't start. Both his airbags were deployed. His windshield was broken. Our car totally buckled near the back window. Our bumper is shot. The inside of the trunk is totally bent upwards. The frame is all bent to hell. Did I say that this is my FIRST NEW car and it's only TWO years old!!! It's also my first accident. I've never been in one before and I hate them!!!



We immediately drove the car to the body shop to get an estimate on the damage. $6,000 to 7,000 so far. And part of that is only a guesstimation of repair needed for the frame, which you can't see!!! CRAP!!! That's like half the value of the car!!! Let's not even talk about what the accident has done for the resale value! Our car will be out of commission for at least 2 weeks to be repaired. We don't have much rental car insurance either!!We are also both experiencing back and neck pain.



The thing that makes me the angriest. Is that I was starting to feel better. I was getting the Fibro under control. I felt that my body was fairly close to being ready for pregnancy. Now my back is hurting, my Fibro is most likely going to flare and I'm F***ING stressed out!!! But I have to remind myself that thankfully we we weren't preggo or in the TWW. *sigh*



Damn it.



Pictures of the "car"nage.

Did She Just Say NO Coffee???

Mood: Unorganized

Pain Scale: 6



Tomorrow I am going to try and drop the coffee...YIKES. ""bites nails"" Hopefully it's not as bad as I know it will be. I'm going to drink green tea and fertili-tea (catchy name isn't it) instead. I know you're saying "You crazy chic, there's still caffeine in that!!". I'm not switching to quit the caffeine just yet. I'm switching to enhance my CM as well as help me with the NO caffeine transition once the pod is on board. Green tea to mint tea sounds easier than Coffee to mint tea. Let's hope nothing stressful comes up tomorrow!!

Wifey Excitement

Mood: Impatient

Pain Scale: 5



J is sooo excited! I have never seen her get all excited like this, even when we were in the process of trying way back when. Now I know we made the right choice to use Dr. Z and do IUIs. I really didn't realize how much stress it put her under when we were doing it ourselves at home. I know she didn't like seeing, touching or handling her brothers swimmers, I mean who would, but I didn't think it really bothered her that much. I guess my ears and eyes weren't as open as I thought they were.



She had called me last night on her way to work to talk about what color we should paint the baby room and thought maybe we should do it this weekend! How cute!! She also wanted to discuss what baby furniture we preferred. *sigh* I love my wifey!

Balls Deep

Mood: nervous

Pain Scale: 3



The PD appointment went great!! We discussed all our insemination options: home vs. office, clomid vs. no clomid. We took all the options with us and talked with the boys about them and came up with the following game plan:

• We're going with in office IUIs


• We are going to use clomid


• We may possibly supplement the IUI with 1 home insem as well


• We are starting not this cycle but the next one (end of March)

In a nut shell we have decided to go balls deep! Here is our reasoning:

• Office IUI: This increases our chances of getting preggo faster, thus imposing less demands on KD if pregnancy happens sooner. For some reason, it makes J and KD feel less anxious about the whole process in turn making my life a little easier.


• Clomid: My cycles are sooo irregular that this will help give us a better idea of when to expect O to happen and may shorten up my cycle.


• Supplemental baster session: Why pay for 2 when you can do one at home.


• Starting in March: KD has to get tested by our Dr. if she is to use his sperm and I've already started this cycle, making it too late to start.

Possible other things we discussed which may be implemented:

• Dr. Z says my luteal phases may be a bit short and she may want to use progesterone to get the type of temp spike she prefers to see during the TWW.


• Follicle ultrasounds.


• Further testing on me if we're not successful after 3 IUI cycles.

So, I didn't get the outcome I was pulling for, but after all the discussions I think it is better to involve the white coats. As much as I would love for us to conceive in the privacy of our own home, J and KD stress out sooo much, that it will just make it less stressful on me to go in. If it helps them stay calm by involving medical science to achieve baby Beale-Stow then rock on momma, that's what we're going to do.....well, and I'm outnumbered. So, WHOOO HOOO! I got my date and we're ready to catch the baby train!!



Dr. Z and staff were also very impressed with my charts. I think they kinda thought they weren't real!! They said "WOW. Look at those charts. You are soo organized." We are still very pleased with our PD office. The staff and Dr. Z are awesome!!