Arg!!!

Pain Scale: 8
Mood: Glad it's Friday

So much has happened since I last posted!! I've been super busy with protesting, dancing and just hanging with new people the I've been neglecting blog land.

1st off YAY!! for our new president!!! 2nd...what in the HELL California!! What an upset. So LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME.

Well for all of you out there that are also outraged by the passing of Prop 8, tomorrow is your chance to stand up in your own state and fight H8!!! There is going to be a national march November 15th. Everyone is to end up at their City Hall by 10:30. Check here to find the site nearest you and more info!! I urge EVERYONE to get out there and be seen and heard!!!

No on 8 Rally

Mood: Hyped
Pain Scale: 4

On Sunday I attended the biggest Northern California rally against prop 8!! It was awesome!! There were 175 people there. We were LOUD!!! Tons of support from the cars, lots of honking and thumbs up signs.

Got a couple of negative responses, but that is to be expected. It was so awesome to be a part of this. I've been waiting for a chance to get out there and be heard and this was the perfect opportunity.

I made 4 signs for my friends and I. They said:

1. Every Family Deserves = Protection
2. Love = Love
3. Honk for Marriage Equality
4. I don't tell U who U can't marry

It was awesome! There is another one taking place this Sunday and I plan to attend that one as well! Hopefully we'll have even more people. Someone made a video and I've posted it below. Can't really see me, but I'm in there!

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Sick Again

Mood: Blah!

Pain Scale: 7

I am sick again!! I am sooooo tired of being sick. My immune system really sucks this year! I've had this ugly cold since LAST Thursday. UGH. Cough/Green snot/Congestion/Deaf/Dizzy/Low Energy.


I've made an appointment with the Doc for Monday. I think at this point the uggy green goblins should be gone from my nose, not building houses!! Hopefully it's something they can remedy and not just tell me to wait it out for another week! I'm also thinking of asking for some blood tests to make sure that everything is ok. I'm not generally a sick person, but my god, it seems someone with the iks can look at me and I'll catch it! And on top of that, it takes me FOREVER to kick it. Maybe it's part of the Fibromyalgia. Maybe I need to eat better. Maybe I'm stressed. Who knows, but I've got to do something different. Being sick sucks.


Not much more news on the home front. Got some new gigs dancing. Met some new people. Ponder Portland. Curse at this horrid economy. Curse at the election brew-ha-ha.

Back from Paradise

Mood: Energetic
Pain Scale: 3

Well, I've been back for about a week and half. BUMMER. I was SO bummed to come back home. I didn't really realize it until I was getting ready for the airport and the blues hit me. It's taken me about a week to get over them!! But now I'm on the ups and feeling good.

Hawaii was great! It was fun to go with a group of gals. This was my first "Girls" trip and I have to say it had some side splitting moments.

Most of our time was spent relaxing, shopping or giving each other shit. I had to trade in my convertible mustang for a mini van. You should have seen us all try to squish into the mustang on the first day!! Hilarious! I said "This is just not going to work!" So from hot car to mom car. The van was MUCH more comfortable.

We saw the beach, a luau, many sunsets, a sea turtle, fish, spinner dolphins, tons of shops, palm trees (which I made everyone give names to), the aquarium, awesome restaurants, mai tais and hit some local bars.

All and all is was a great time and I even contemplated moving there, but then decided there is no way I could live on an island. I would do it again. Pictures to come soon!!

Beach Beach Baby

Mood: Fairly good, a little bloated
Pain Scale: 2

T-minus 2.5 days till HAWAII!! Yaaaay!! I will be going to Maui for 7 whole days!! Whoop! Whoop! I'm actually not super excited yet, cause it doesn't quite feel real. I'm sure by Friday I will be feeling the ocean breezes calling louder.

Originally I had planned this trip with 15 way back in January. So upon the breakup I had to scramble to change the plans. I asked some friends, but none were able to make the get away so I asked my coworker. She said hell ya and now her P-town friend, her niece and the niece's roommate will be coming (and not that it's a big deal, but they are all straight). There will be 5 of us!! Should be fun. This trip has turned out to be completely opposite of it's original plan.

I rented a one bedroom condo. Full Kitchen. Almost on the beach. Wash and Dryer. All the good amenities. We're planning on taking it fairly easy, chillin' on the beach, around the condo pool and just take things as they come.

Only negative about this trip...besides no fun lover to share Maui with...is I'm possibly going to be on my period!! Damn it!! I'm always on my period during a vacation. Bloated bellys and bikinis here I come!!

Love Languages

Mood: Sick
Pain Scale: 5

The Five Love Languages. Ever since this book was introduced to me by my ex in the early stages of our relationship, I've tried to pass it on to anyone who will read it!! It makes so much sense to me and it really helped me be able to articulate what I needed from someone else. I highly recommend this book to everyone out there!! It's a must read!!

So I took this little quiz to see if what I thought my Love Language is, actually is. I got it right!!

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		5
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Parking Nightmare

Mood: Super Cranky

Pain Scale: 3

I dropped my classes. The story goes...

My first class was to start last Wednesday at 6pm. The school is "15" min from my house by freeway. I gave myself 40 min to get there, park and find my class.


The traffic getting there was a NIGHT.MARE. I knew there would be traffic on the freeway, come on it's rush hour, but the traffic trying to get to the school after the exit on the surrounding streets was ridiculous. It's one of those times when you go "Who the hell planned out these streets? They should be fired." There is one way to get there from the freeway exit and it seems the majority of the school takes that route. I had to sit through the first left turn signal 3xs!!!!! The second left turn took another 3xs!!!


At this point I had 10min to make it to class. I was getting agitated. I HATE being late!!


First parking lot...FULL with 4 cars circling...second parking lot...FULL with about the same amount of people circling...third parking lot...FULL, more cars circling...and the same in lots four, five, six. Grant you these are not huge parking lots, but they were the closest to the building I had to be at. So I decided, screw it! I will go to the 4 or 5 story parking garage on the other side of campus and just book it to the classroom. Also looked for street parking on the way to the garage, but it was all taken.


Make it to the parking garage at around 6. I see cars coming out. Good sign. I will surely find some parking. Follow the long line of cars in. Circle around and around and around. All F.U.L.L. I think to myself "There has to be some spots on the top floor, there's always spots on the top floor!" FULL. Circle back through on my way down. Still full. People 4 cars ahead would sometimes getting lucky. Bastards. I exit the parking garage and continue onto the next parking lot.


Circle lot...FULL FULL FULL!!! It is now 6 mother fuckin' 38. I spot an opening, but I have to circle around. Don't see anyone whose going to make it before me...YES!!! Then the guy behind me guns it, passes me and steals my spot!!!! I flip him the bird and yell some obscene words. ASSHOLE. I try not to cry in frustration and just say screw this I'm outta here!! I look for the closest exit and high tail it out of that crazy circus!!


There is nooooo way I'm going to do that 3x a week!! I've been to two other colleges before this and have NEVER had a problem parking. In fact, there was always plenty of parking. I might have to hoof it, but I didn't have to circle for 40min to find parking ::wait rephrase:: I didn't have to circle for 40min to find NO parking.


So I decided to drop those classes and wait for the next semester and go to a college where I KNOW there is parking. The added time it will take me to get to the school that's farther away STILL won't compare to trying to find parking at the last place.


Really sucks cause I was looking forward to this soooo much. :( I'm sure there are alternatives such as public transit and carpooling. But being a single girl getting out late and taking mass transit into my neighborhood, I just didn't feel comfortable doing and I don't know anyone to carpool with.

Best of Both

Mood: PMS
Pain Scale: 4

I decided to pick a class from both majors. A business class and a class about colors. I will be going three days a week, M.W.TH. I hope I can pull this off!! What am I saying...I WILL pull this off.

Now I feel like I'm just waiting to get started. I've only got one free week left. That's fine with me. I need something to occupy my mind and time.

I will be missing the fourth week of class, hopefully it won't make me too far behind. I planned my vacation before I decided to kick my ass and get back to school. But...I'm looking forward to vacation too! I need one!! Far away from here!

If anyone has good study habit tips to pass on to me, please do. I am a terrible student. One of my goals is to learn to be a better one! I think I just need to learn effective ways to study.

Gunman

Mood: PTS
Pain Scale: 5

It all started Friday...I was awoken around 3am to a helicopter flying around outside. I didn't think much of this because it's not THAT unusual. Around 330 I was shaken awake as the helicopter flew really close to my house. This was NOT usual. I knew something was going on outside, but I decided to try and go back to sleep and maybe it would be all gone in the morning. Fell back to sleep around 430. 7am my phone rings and it's my coworker (I live and work in the same place). "Have you watched the news yet." "No." "You should turn it on, we're on the news. There is a gunman hiding out in our park." "WHAT?!!"

News Story Here

I go into the living room and turn on the morning news...sure enough, our park is surrounded by a ton of cops and they are starting to arrange a SWAT Team with dogs to check house to house. They also advised we all stay inside and lock our doors and windows, this gunman was considered armed and dangerous!! HOLY CRAP!!

Seems this guy thought it was a good idea to shoot at police during a routine traffic stop and then jump the fence into our park trying to evade them. Little did he know there are only two exits from here and by the time he figured that out the police had the place surrounded.

Around noon about 50-60 SWAT guys came down my street. All in camo, helmets, bullet proof vests and HUGE guns!! They knocked on my door to inform me to stay inside and that they would be searching around and underneath my house. What a trip!! It looked liked I was in a war zone. They had guys stationed at all the corners with their guns up ready for action.

Finally around 1pm the guy decided to give himself up. He was on the last street they had yet to search (they had taken a lunch break).

I stayed pretty calm throughout the ordeal...but as the night wore on and the event evaporated I felt really uneasy, frazzled and emotional. Ironically I had planned to play laser tag that night. I didn't really feel like make believing I was shooting people or have people hunting to shoot me, but I tagged along with my friend just in case I felt different upon arrival. I didn't. Just the thought of it made my stomach queasy. Being around so many strangers and all the loud noises made me nervous. My friend played one game and we decided to go back home.

I stayed home most of the weekend cuddled up in my home processing the whole crazy event. I don't know how our soldiers do it. I never imagined the type of effect it would have on me to be in a situation like that. The crazy thoughts that fly through your mind are enough to exhaust you.

So that was my crazy weekend and hopefully I will never encounter anything like that again!!

Why Do I Have to Pick a Major?

Mood: Waiting
Pain Scale: 4

The dinner didn't happen, but I'm fine with it. 15 took Bucket this weekend and I'm sad about it. I got my student number and now trying to decide what classes to take.

I am still contemplating accounting vs photography degrees...yeah totally opposite. Logic vs artistic. I'm leaning towards the accounting degree just for longevity reasons. It's more of a sure thing and I could still start my own business. Art is always perceptional. I can start that as a hobby and maybe it will mature into something more, but at least I would have a backup if that didn't work out for me.

I'm also trying to decided if I should go balls deep and take two classes or one. I'm leaning towards two. I think I can handle two...I mean what else am I to do with 5 nights to myself??? Plus I want to get this school thing done. I really don't like school and the faster I can do it the better!!

So give me some advice on your experiences and opinions!!

Confessions

Mood: Feeling stupid
Pain Scale: 4

Alright...I've been holding out on you guys. I did something stupid and I don't know what I was thinking. I asked J if she wanted to have dinner. Not because I want to get back with her, but I was feeling I needed to talk to her. I'm looking for closure I guess. It was really nagging me and wouldn't let me rest, so I texted her about two weeks ago to ask.

She agreed and we set it up for the 9th. Now...I thought long and hard about the ramifications of doing this. How it could/would make me feel. What did I want to say? Was it a healthy decision? What was I really looking for?? Would I still have strong feelings for her when I saw her? I don't quite know all the answers to these questions, but what I do know is I am doing this for myself and I believed it would give me something I was looking for.

Well, in true form, she texted me this last Monday to ask if we were still on for the 16th??? Conversation Text:
ME: "I thought it was the 9th?"
HER: "I'm sorry I have to work that night."
ME: looking for the text she had confirmed the 9th with me and forwarding it to her
HER: "Sorry I thought it was the 16th, I messed up"
ME: "Never mind. I don't know what I was thinking?"
HER: "Don't say that. I still want to have dinner with you"
ME: Stunned silence then..."I don't know what to say except I'm hurt"
At this point I'm trying not to text a bunch of mean things like "I knew you would do this" I held my cool
HER: "I'm sorry-I want to make it up to you. I blew it"
HER: "Are you there?"
ME: "Yup"
HER: "Can we still have dinner?"
ME: "If you can make it on the 9th"
HER: "I will try and trade shifts with someone"

I can't tell you the barrage of emotions I felt at this point...but I needed it. I asked for it. I needed that reminder of why I don't talk to her and that I am in no way important to her at all. It kills me that she can still make me feel so insignificant. WOW. And if she doesn't get the 9th off, too bad. That was it. We made plans, she broke them and that's the end. This will NOT be on her terms. I don't HAVE to see her. Obviously she doesn't want to see me...please tell me what's so hard about saying that in the beginning??? I just don't get it.

Even though I still don't know if we will be having dinner (which I highly doubt), it satisfied something in me. I don't know if it closed anything per say, but who knows if even a conversation would do that. I do know that it solidified another brick on my road to moving on!!

Simplicity

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 8 (note to self: due to too much weekend partying, take it easy)

This weekend I rolled down a grassy hill!! And NO, it wasn't an accident. I saw this perfect hill and commented to my friend "That's the perfect hill to roll down, we'll have to do that one of these days." She says "There's no time like the present." and off we were, removing our shoes and trekking to the top of the grassy noll.

The euphoria I had at the bottom was great!! I couldn't stop giggling. It brought back the reason we did it over and over again as kids. It was so much fun and it had been years since I've done it. I got some war wounds on my arms...who knew grass would be sooo sharp!!

I highly recommend everyone to go out and find a hill and roll!!! You won't regret it!! Besides how often do we do things out of the norm and spur of the moment...not often enough!

Official

Mood: Sad
Pain Scale: 3

Well...today is the day. 15 is moving out. The official day is really Saturday, but I'm going to bunk up in a hotel for the night. I figured it would be better for both of us that way. She can pack and get ready for Saturday without the crazy emotional mess that would be created by my presence.

We didn't really officially say goodbye. We hung out with each other last night, said things we wanted to say, cried and slept in each other's arms one last time.

It's sad, but I know it's the right decision.

Boredom Laced with Plans

Mood: Bored
Pain Scale: 3

It's hard to get used to being by yourself. Weird. Trying to find things to fill my time seems like a challenge. I'm sure I will get used to it.

15 will be moving out this coming weekend. We go from good days to bad days. She says she understands where I'm coming from and that she knew she was taking a risk when she got involved with me. I did tell her everything up front. We both agree that we both thought the risk was worth it. Which it was. I am very glad I met her. I wish that we could remain friends. I will miss her friendship dearly. She keeps saying that she doesn't do the friendship thing.

Soon the house will be REALLY quiet. It will just be me and the cats.

I hung out with some gals last night from an online group I joined and it was fun. It was an ice cream social. This Monday we're all supposed to go to a softball game and cheer on some people we know. Sounds fun. Operation friendship in underway.

I enrolled in school again and plan on making that my focus. I really do need to finish and get myself some sort of degree. It's either that or move to P-town, which I seriously throw around a lot. The job market kind of scares me at the moment, so I'm reluctant to take the jump. I also need to save up more money for the move and a couple months of living funds beforehand. So I figure go to school, finish up, move to P-town. That's my long term plan at the moment.

I'm still sad about not building that family I had thought so long about. I've been contemplating trying on my own in 5 years no matter what my circumstances. Another good reason to finish school and get a kickin' job. We'll see.

Life is truly an adventure and you just never know what it has in store for you around the corner.

HeartBreaker

Mood: Contemplative
Pain Scale: 8

Well...I broke 15's heart. I called the whole thing off. I know...how heartless. I had many reasons for this, but the biggest was I'm just not ready for another huge relationship. I want to be selfish. I don't want to compromise with someone else. When you find your mind and heart consumed so much with the past, you're just not ready for the future.

Why don't I ever listen!!! I shouldn't have even gotten into a relationship so soon!! I don't regret going with my heart, but I do regret causing her so much pain.

Back when I met her it was just too hard to ignore the feelings I had for her (and still have), so I thought I would try her on and work on myself at the same time. Doesn't work. I need 100% for me. I really under estimated how much damage I acquired from the last relationship. I have a lot of work to do before I can commit to someone fully.

There were also parts of her personality that brought flashbacks of the past relationship and I did not want to go back there. I guess you really do fall for the same type of person. I will really really really have to keep myself in check on that one!! I should set up a questionnaire for prospective candidates!

I felt really bad being the cause of such tremendous heartache. I feel like I just shared part of my damage with someone that could have done without it. I am really glad I met her though and I wish we could remain friends. I know that's impossible because of our level of attraction for each other, but who knows.

So...I'm back in the fish pond. Part of me is excited and another is scared shit less cause I really haven't ever been alone.

But I'm committed to learning about me. I have a lot to learn as well as a lot to heal. I don't know how long it will take, but at this point I'm pretty sure it will take me awhile.

***********************

Thanks for all the encouraging words!!! It really helped me out and felt like someone was listening to me (which I really needed)!! HUGS to you all!!!

Hatred

Mood: Trying not to be angry
Pain Scale: 4

I know hatred is a strong word and I used to not have room for it in my life, but ever since the EX, I've harbored it. I suppose it metamorphosed from the intense love I had for her. In fact part of me still has love for her which fuels the hatred more. I had never really felt hatred before and I wish it never slithered it's way into my life. But it's here and now I have to contend with it.

Lately I've been overcome with hatred towards her. I'm not too sure where it's coming from, but I'm having a hard time taming it. Since I haven't had much experience with this evil family member of love, I don't quite know what to do with it. I'm hoping writing about it will help keep the roar down.

All I really want to do is tell her (well maybe not tell her, but yell at her) about all the scars she left, what I think of her and that what she did just really really really sucks!!! But, I've said all those things to her and I know it doesn't change anything. She will always be the same. I guess it's just a part of the healing I have to go through...right?? I know not talking to her is one of the best decisions I made, but it takes so much strength some times. I'm tired. And I know that if I were to talk to her, she would just play her stupid games with me. Tired.

I had thought these intense feelings would be gone by now or at least lessened. They are by no means as strong as they were when I first found out, but these feelings are still stronger than I had expected after almost a year and a half!!

I guess part of it is just the frustration of starting over in life and realizing someone that close could treat you that way. Going back to square one when you thought you had it all mapped out. Thought you had a family. Thought you had found the ONE. Realizing that you gave too much of yourself to someone who didn't return the favor or even respect you. Feeling cheated and swindled. Feeling you worked so hard and got nothing but scars in return. How could I have been sooo blind?? How could I have missed that everything I thought I was doing for our future was only benefiting her??? How did I let her be in the position to steal so much from me?? And then after all those thoughts remember that she moved on long ago and doesn't even give you a second thought, doesn't have to bear these scars that effect your outlook on life now....see how much fuel there is for the fire.

I'm trying to put to use the lesson I have learned, which is always fend for yourself. Never put someone ahead of yourself. Be selfish!! It's not a bad thing. Now when 15 wants me to do something and I don't want to, I say NO. Even if it results in a disagreement. When I want to wear something I like, even if no one else likes it, I wear it. I will never again help someone build their career while putting my life goals on hold. NEVER. I will look out for me first, others second. I will never again fall for the false promise that my turn is coming.

I want to love carefree again, but the scars make it hard to love the way I used to. I'm just not the same. I can close off. I can jump to conclusions. I can blame where there is innocence. Love is now bumpy. I have baggage. Another area which fans the flames. I hate the baggage I now carry and have to deal with. Sucks.

I tell you...I could have really done without this experience!! I just wish there was a way that J could experience what she has put me through. I've always felt that she never understood how her actions affected me and I'm sure she never will. She never listened or truly cared about anyone but herself. I guess that's why we were such a match, a selfish with a selfless. Stupid me.

Boo Hoo

Mood: Still Disappointed
Pain Scale: 3

Well the big Pride weekend has come and gone. BOO HOO.

15 and I had made plans to go, as it was going to be one of SF's biggest Prides ever, and definitely history making! We had booked a room and planned to stay from Friday through Sunday. Some of her friends from Sacramento were meeting us there. I was super pumped come Friday afternoon!! We hadn't been out in a while and I was really looking forward to a fun filled weekend...especially Saturday night. That's the big street party and the most popular night of Pride.

We arrived on Friday night, checked into the hotel and met up with her friends. Our plan was to go to the Castro and hang at the Cafe (a local bar). Upon the walk to the Cafe, 15 twisted her ankle in a crack in the side walk. Now this was no small twist!! It was a big one. Her ankle instantly swelled up and she had to limp the rest of the way to the bar. Now mind you, we had had only ONE drink in the room!! Not a shot...ONE DRINK within two hours!! (well...her friends did have some ammo with that one "Wow 15, just one drink and we have to cut you off already!!") That's just not even fair to hurt yourself when your not plastered!! There's no fun in that!! Not even a good story to go with it!! We hadn't even made it to the bar yet!! BOO HOO!!

She made it through the night...but not comfortably.

The next morning her ankle was HUGE...icky huge!! I felt for her and my heart also sank with the realization that we most likely wouldn't make it to the Saturday night shindig. But she tried to keep her spirits up and decided to see how she felt through out the day.

So, we iced it and I ventured out to the nearby drug store and bought a brace to see if it helped her out, but just taking a shower was a challenge for her. We decided to go check out the booths and performances at the Civic Center and give her new bandaged ankle a trial run.

No go.

She pretty much just grinned a bared it...I can't imagine the pain she was feeling, but I knew it must have been a lot. We hobbled around, listened to some music, ate some food and then decided to creep back to the hotel room.

At this point we decided to stay for our dinner date with her friends but to hit the road once it was over. There was no way she could make standing up all night on that ankle...even with an obscene amount of alcohol and advil. BOO HOO.

So after dinner we packed up our things and checked out early (no refund. BOO HOO) and drove back home where we watched movies and iced and elevated.

I tried not to be disappointed, but I can't lie...I was.

BOO HOO!!!

Father's Day

Mood: OK
Pain Scale: 3


Father's Day was horrible!! 15's dad came down for a 2.5 day visit./2.5!!/ 15 was very excited because her dad has never really visited her life before. He met her at work on Friday as did I. All went well that night. She was having a barbecue for her employees and all moods were jovial. There were many distractions and others to talk to. But the days to follow felt like weeks!! Or even months!!

How should I say it...her dad is getting older, is closed minded and doesn't stop talking which leaves no room to listen . Even I, someone who is very polite and trys to understand others views couldn't hold my tongue come Saturday night. Oie!!! Some of the things that came out of that man's mouth...I tell you. He even commented on a movie were watching where it turns out one of the characters is a lesbian and he says "Oh, they're fruitcakes." Did he just say that while I was sitting next to him...I was so stunned I didn't even react other than have my jaw drop.

It also doesn't help that 15 acts totally different around him. She shuts down. She just sits there to herself, off in some land, leaving me there to fend for myself. And some times she just gets up and disappears into another room. What the HELL!! It's the most dysfunctional situation I've been in for a long time!!! Sunday was the worse as there was some bickering in the morning and I have to say I was part of it as well.

After he FINALLY left, 15 cried and was very upset for two days. I told her maybe it's not a good idea to have him in our space. Maybe it's better to visit him. Then we have the power to leave when we want.

I felt really bad because we all want to have good relationships with our parents, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. It was really nice of him to come into our home. I'm sure it was really hard for him, but my god, maybe a day would have been better. I don't know if anything was gained from the experience or not. All I know is that I NEVER want to have that experience again!!

Way Overdue

Mood: Wishing I had more energy and evil PMS
Pain Scale: 5

Ok, you can call me a slacker!! I've been super slackin' in blog land! Lots of updates I need to catch up on...whoa.



New Kitty named Jasmine. We got our boy Bucket a companion. This time it's a little bitty trouble makin' kitten. She's super cute but full of trouble. We even contemplated naming her trouble. She is keeping Bucket on his paws!! Maybe he will lose some of that weight!! He wasn't fond of her at first, we discovered that Bucket can be really jealous. He was alright up until the point she started playing with his favorite toy, then he was pissed and continued to be pissed for a couple weeks. He now loves her and even licks her in places that should be done in private!! Naughty kitties!!

15's bday was at the end of May and she decided she wanted to go whale watching in Monterey. Her mom drove down for the weekend (her first time staying with us!!). Our boat left at 9am and it wasn't very warm. The boat ride over to the whale area was down right miserable!! It was the type of icy cold air that cuts through you and freezes everything!! Once we found the whales though it was awesome, I thought anyway. 15 and her mom didn't really like it. Too cold for them. I got some great shots of the whales. After that we went to defrost over lunch and then went to Cannery Row to visit the aquarium. It was memorial day weekend so the aquarium was just way to crowded to see anything so we left and went window shopping. It was a good weekend and we had lots of fun.

Equality!!!!

Mood: Over Joyed
Pain Scale: 4

FINALLY!!! CA supreme court ruled today that Gay marriage in CA is legal!!! Whhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! It feels so great to have the same right as everyone else when it comes to marriage!!! I just can't beleive it!! That is sooo awesome!! I actually got teary eyed! It feels really nice to have your long term relationship actually recognized for what it is!

Now onto the the next battle...the constitutional amendment measure...what the heck is wrong with people!!! Hopefully it doesn't make it onto the ballot this November or ever!

I just want to have a huge block party to celebrate the landmark decision!!

Rockin' Nanny in Seattle

Attention Seattle Readers with young ones!!!

My mom, who lives in Seattle, has openings for families looking for a hip lesbian Nanny to watch their kids.

My mom is a great Nanny (and of course mom). Here are some of her highlights:

• Worked as a teacher for many, many years in Portland
• Progressive
• Open Minded
• Loves kids
• Inventive and Creative
• Teaches baby sign language
• Has 7 children of her own (5 of which were adopted and 1 is autistic)
• Lesbian

I would be happy to connect you with her if you're interested!! I highly recommend her and not just because she's my mom, but because she really does rock when it comes to kids!! So please pass the word around!

Are You Serious??? They're Back on the Block??

Mood: Embarrassingly excited
Pain Scale: 7

OK. I admit it...I was a New Kid junkie!! There, I said it. Yup, I had them plastered all over my walls, peachies, owned almost everything to do with them and they were my first live concert.

I just heard that the New Kids are creating a reunion tour and coming out with a new album! WHAT!! Could this be true?? NKOTB back!! Bringing us new sticky gooey love ballads!! Oh my...I can't wait!!

I know I'm almost 31 AND a lesbian, but for some strange reason this prospect excites me!! Maybe it's because it brings back some of those adolescent goofy feelings and reminds me of times when my group of friends and I would talk endlessly about which one of us was going to marry whom. Ahhhh, to be back in those days when the world wasn't sooo heavy!! I'm pretty sure I could sing all their songs still!!

I am soooooo going to buy their new album!!! Ok...those of you that read my blog and want to go to their concert...raise your hands, you know who you are!!! Let's do it!! O O O O O...hangin' tough!

Don't Talk Back to Darth Vader

You said it, Darth will definitely get ya!!

It got me!!

Mood: Tired
Pain Scale: 4

It started with 15...the narly flu that has been going around. She had become contaminated the 2 weekends before last. At first we thought it was just a cold, but then the high fever hit and I put myself on contact restriction, but to no avail. It got me!

It's super high fever put me down for 4 days. The total duration of this crazy super flu put me out for about 6-7 days. Last week I still felt icky all the way up till Wednesday. This thing is utterly horrible. It's been a while since I've been that sick...sometimes it felt like I was going to die.

I still have a good productive cough and yummy mucus in my head. Hopefully that will be fully gone by this weekend...hopefully.

So, to any of you out there who know someone coming down with something, anything...heed this warning and RUN!!

And thank you for all the great ideas on the Wall!! I really liked the one from anonymous regarding using corn starch, great idea!!

The Wall

Ok...here's the crazy random curved wall (with an extra Bucket photo op bonus)!




Any ideas?? The living room is painted a muted purplish color (called clay pot). This wall faces the front door as you walk in. It seperates the living room from the kitchen. Livingroom on the left side, dining room on the right side. There is a counter and cabnits on the back side, so a bar or window is out!! The wall also has a pretty good curve to it.

Ideas I've had but am still diliberating on or they've been vetoed:

1. Cover it with different sized picture frames (would have to be small cause it's curved)
2. Paint a mural (not so good at drawing art and what kind of mural)
3. Make lipstick kisses in random waves and swirls
4. Cover in different fabrics or papers (sorta like a modern scrap book design)

So...I'm up for suggestions. I wish the person who built this wall was around to thunk on the head and say "What the hell were you thinking?"

I got tickets to the gun show!!

Mood: visions of success
Pain Scale: 6

I enrolled in the gym today!! I figured it's time to start toning up again. I am usually a gym goer, but haven't gone since last summer. It's time. I signed up for Gold's Gym which is only 3 blocks from me, which I hope will encourage my lazy ass to go. I've heard that Gold's is full of meat heads, but I'm going to try it out any way. It didn't look to meaty when I was in there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Started seeing a chiropracter again because my back is killing me and I'm sure J will be kicking me off the health insurance any day now so I better use it while I can. It's actually helping me out a lot, my pain has diminished some what with only 2 visits.

I also have a project for webland, but I have to wait to post the picture of the wall I'm talking about. I need decorating ideas. It's a weird shaped wall and I haven't liked any of my ideas up to this point, so I'm going to send it out to you all to give me some suggetions!

Wierd Feelings

Mood: Flash back fever
Pain Scale: 4

I don't know if it's just the time of year or the fact J has contacted me recently, but I keep getting wierd flash back feelings of the tramatic events of last year. I keep thinking "Wow, it's been almost a year...a month from now I found out J was not what she seemed and my world changed as I knew it. How could she have treated me so awfully?? What the hell happend??"

Sometimes I miss her tremendously and then the next minute I truly hate her. I still haven't spoken to her since I vowed not to. That was a good move on my part. But every so often she sends me a text or email. Part of me thinks it's just another way for her to mentally torment me, because each time she does it, it takes time to get her out of my head again. Sometimes I just want to simply reply back "LOOSE THIS NUMBER!!!" but I know that would just prompt more contact. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!

It really effects my view of relationships now. I don't think I will ever fully trust that I won't be left again for somone else no matter how much I'm reassured. I feel like she destroyed some of my innocence. I try not to be tainted...but I am. Now I know what people mean when they say they have baggage. YUCK.

But things with 15 are swell even with a my occasional emotional speed bumps!! We are planning a trip to Hawaii in September! I can't wait for that. It feels like forever since I've had a "real" vacation!! I can't wait to actually spend a full week with her!! And it must be going good, cause I've gained 5 lbs!!! Damn it!!

Bucket!!

Mood: Busy, busy, busy
Pain Scale: 4

I got a new kitty!!! His name is Bucket (cause he's a love bucket) and maybe around 2 yrs old. 15 and I went to the local shelter to find a kitty. When we walked by his horrible tiny cage he meowed at us, so in all reality he PICKED us out!!

He is very cute and lovable. I was a little afraid at first, being that he was from the shelter and all, but he is such a good kitty. He really doesn't have any bad habits, besides waking up at 4am and playing "I'm a race car" around the house.

It's really nice to have an animal again, they add so much to your life. At first I didn't want to really love him due to having to give up Rascal, but he won me over.

So...meet Bucket:

Isn't he cute!!!

FINALLY...2008

Mood: goals, goals, goals
Pain Scale: 3

Happy new year everyone!!! Finally the dreadful, horrible, evil year of 2007 is OVER!!! I'm ecstatic!!

Recap of 2007:

• First auto accident (not to mention in my first new car)
• Grandma P. died
• J's Grandma died
• Uncle died
• Aunt died
• Dad cut off two fingers in saw accident
• J found cheating
• Filed for divorce
• Sold house
• lost my dog in the divorce
• moved in with myself
• met 15!

Pretty darn eventful and most of it crappy!! I have to say that 2007 was the worst year of my life up to this point. I'm glad to have it done and over with! On to the new 2008 and may it be WAY better than last year!!

2008 goals:

• Make it to the gym 3x a week

The Nutcracker

So, we went to see the Nutcracker in SF and I'm sorry to report that it was boring. It was nice to see it once, but we've decided not to do that again. We had gone to eat at Asia SF right before the ballet, which features female impersonation shows every hour, and were WAY more entertained (highly recommend this restaurant if you visit San Francisco). I guess we're just not the ballet type. I love dance and all, but it was hard for me to stay entertained for so long. Bummer.