Relationships

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 4

Relationships are fuckin' hard. Kstar and I are great for each other, but also go head to head sometimes.

We often bicker with each other, which then turns into an argument and then into silence because neither of us wants to say sorry. I feel like I'm always the one to go to her to make peace. We are both Aries so have the same traits to deal with: stubbornness, pride, always right. We always end up discussing what happened and why and move forward. I think it's good and productive, but often I feel she thinks it's a sign of incompatibility. I disagree. We are both just strong individuals with huge insecurity issues. We just need to learn how to communicate each others languages as well as be more secure with ourselves. I really don't doubt we will make it there! Now if I could just get her not to doubt it either!!

I've been working on my thought processes and communication skills. It's hard work, but is work I really need to do on myself. I've found some workbooks to help me out with it, which so far I've enjoyed immensely and have found very helpful.

It's truly amazing the mean spirited things you say to yourself. I also never really realized how negative my outlook could be sometimes and how often I victimized myself. Sigh. Always hard to break a habit, especially one I've been doing for so long. But I will get there and I'm excited about it!!

Also learning how to communicate what I'm feeling is a challenge. Just to recognize how I'm feeling is a challenge. I really never knew or paid attention to it before. It makes me tired just thinking of it!! I can't wait till it becomes second nature to evaluate it in seconds and to be able to express it in a healthy way.

Unhealthy Expressions I've found:
grudge.laughing.sighing.stewing.pointing finger.

Healthy Alternatives:
accept responsibility for my feelings.ask for what you want.set boundaries.

Hmmmmm....just writing that I realize I am still having a hard time figuring out how to deal with emotions in a given situation. I'm learning what to do, but still having a hard time figuring out how to do them. Oh well...I will practice and learn from each situation. Most of this is cause I have never been good at confrontation. But awareness is the key to change. So I'm on my way and that's all I could ask for!!

Evolution

Mood: Change is in the air
Pain Scale: 4

I was looking at my calendar yesterday and going over the huge changes occurring since I've been in massage school and I was taken aback!! It has only been 2.5 weeks and already I can definitely tell this is going to be life altering.

At orientation, we were introduced to the Seniors. They had already been in the program for six months. Each one made some sort of comment about how being at massage school had changed their life. That we should be aware that this would be a life altering experience. I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'm sure it does change peoples lives! We are training for a career! But holy crap...now I really know what they were talking about.

Constant body work. The things coming about because of all this energy and body work is really making me deal with items I had stuffed down and hid. No hiding it now. It's gonna come out weather I like it or not and I will have to make sure I deal with it productively.

Using my energy consistently. I can really tell when I'm being bad to my body and regularly accessing my energy channels also keeps me more in tune with my natural ability to feel energy. This is odd because I had become accustomed to ignoring it or blocking it. I am gonna have to deal with being able to sense people again. Phewy...sometimes this is exhausting and painful. So learning ways to not take on peoples energy is also going to be a must.

A job I love. Just the thought of having a job I absolutely love is life changing in itself!! I truly can't wait to start doing this at least part time. Being able to help people and make them feel good is truly rewarding. And one of the best things is that when I'm done giving body work, I FEEL energized and fantastic. It's weird and was very unexpected.

So, I can tell the next eleven months are going to be a roller coaster of growth and I really can't wait to see me on the other side!!

Hands of Light

Mood: Exhausted
Pain Scale: 6

I've decided to do put my healing energy to work and started massage school!! I am super excited about it. It's been about two weeks since the first day of class and I. AM. LOVING. IT.

I really hadn't anticipated liking it as much as I do. I feel this was exactly what I was looking for, but for some reason didn't see it previously. I had considered enrolling right after J and I broke up, but then re-evaluated and decided against it. That was 2 years ago. I guess the timing just wasn't right at that point.

I also have a new steady girlfriend whom I am really really spun over!! She is truly amazing. Amazing. She is an Aries also and we fire each other up!! Parts of us are sooo similar it's crazy. She has taught me so many things already. We refer to ourselves as Yin and Yang. She reminds me to live in the present and I help to ground her. It's good. VERY GOOD. Sigh. I heart her.

We are both doing massage school, which will last a year. So, we were pretty presumptuous that we won't get sick of each other during that year! It hadn't even crossed our minds until talking to other people about it. I really don't have any reservations about taking the class with her.

So, I am all about learning Shiatsu right now. Phew! It's quite a workout, especially for my small frame. Damn, I wish my legs were longer!!! Shiatsu uses a lot of energy work, which I find particularly exciting to learn about. This is the first time I've actually enjoyed going to school! All school should have been like this...I mean we almost always sit on the floor in a circle while learning!! AWESOME!!

Scared Shitless

I don't want to be insecure.
I don't want to be afraid to love again.
I don't want to have trust issues.

I want to believe you love me.
I want to believe you will be here forever.
I want to think I am enough.

I'm scared.

Chasing My Tail

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: 4

What the hell am I doing? I can't recall a time where I've felt more lost. I get these crazy impulsive itches to move or quit dancing or quit my social group or to just plain run away from everything!! I'm guessing that it stems down to finding out who I am. I sooo wish I would have gone through this in my 20s like most people. This is a hard task and I am not really enjoying it.

I feel much more comfortable focusing on someone else, thus the reason for my immaturity in the know thy self department. I really don't have a clue what Li Li wants or likes. Let's dissect our current situations:

Dancing: I really like dancing, but starting to despise the sexual attention. I've been reevaluating how I can change that. Not quite sure at this point other than to try and keep work and friends separate. May just quit, but told myself to wait a couple of weeks to see if I feel the same. I would really miss the added income!

Work: is boring! Positives are: pays the bills, great coworkers, stability, flexible. Negatives: goes no where, golden leash, San Jose, does not challenge my abilities.

San Jose: I so don't like living here!! This town blows!! Reasons for staying: friends, job, Lucky. Reasons for leaving: happiness, friends, family. The biggest reason for not REALLY checking into leaving at this point is money and economy. I would like to pay off some bills and the rest of my car before such a big move. Also the economy really sucks right now and I'm afraid I wouldn't find another job!! So the main thing in my way is fear!

Lucky: So I've been dating Lucky and I really like her. I like her too much. She is about 6 months out of a 4yr relationship and I know she is still dealing with some of the aftermath. I too am still dealing with lingering baggage. I am trying not to be too crushed out, but it's hard because she is awesome! I keep putting on one running shoe in preparation to just run, but I'm trying not to let fears get the better of me! HA! Maybe it's better to just run instead of getting hurt, but then again I feel it could be worth the risk. This one really gets me. Still evaluating. Trying to just stay light.

J: This MaHa is just plain pissing me off. I know I need to quit finding closure from her. Her evasiveness and open ended responses just keep me spinning into no where. I don't know why I get the wild hair up my ass every so often to contact her. STOP IT!! It's like some crazy addiction. How twisted is that?

Wants: TRUE friends...damn this is a hard question...to live some where fulfilling, to feel accomplished, a goal.

Hmmmm...don't know if this list shed any light for me. Maybe if I reread it in a couple of days, I will see something.

Relapse of Sorts

Mood: Sad, PMS, Tired
Pain Scale: 8

I'm not quite sure why, but lately I have been SUPER sad again over J. Maybe it's cause the therapy sessions are bringing it up and making me deal with it all or maybe it's just the time of year or maybe it's just my damn PMS.

It will be two years ago this coming Tuesday. That dreaded day I confronted her and realized life as I knew it was changing drastically. I've cried twice in the last week over the loss. I haven't cried about it in about 6 months. I HATE crying. H-A-T-E it.

At this point from what I can gather is I'm sad over that fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me!! I don't get this!! She just wants to forget me, pretend we never happened, go on with life like I was never there. It's very hurtful. Another J wound slashed on top of another. *sigh*

I guess what kills me is that /I/ keep on trying!! I've gone over it in therapy. I'm looking for closure from her, which I will most likely NEVER get, but keep trying to obtain it. I know at some point I will figure a way to suture it closed my damn self!

Sick Sick Sick

Mood: Tired and sick
Pain Scale: 6

Can I just tell you how sick I am of being sick!! I'm coming up on 5 (yes, she said FIVE) weeks of this yucky, crappy, coughy, congested, tired iks!! Got a doc appointment this afternoon. I will have to revisit the conversation we had in October about there being something wrong with me!! There just has to be! I've never been this sick in my life! Today I was totalling it up and in the last 6 months I've been sick at least once a month! That is WAY too much to be normal. And...it takes my body FOREVER to kick it!

Last October is when I asked for my blood tests because I was tired of being sick ALL the time back then! They told me everything was normal...how can this be? There must be something afoot here! Obviously my body can't fend for itself because it's already sent out the troops for some other fight! Well, hopefully today they will send me someplace to be poked and prodded to find out what the HELL is going on!

I don't have much hope about all that though. In my experience doctors don't ever REALLY know what's going on!! Sorry to the docs out there, but....it's kinda true.

So cross your fingers I get some antibiotic for now and some tests that help answer the question "What the hell is going on with this body?"

Day and Life

Mood: Whatever
Pain Scale: 7

Rolling along here...sometimes at light speed and sometimes at a slow crawl. I've been keeping myself pretty busy with work, socializing and volunteering. Been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I do NOT think this is much fun. Good for me I suppose.

Wasn't lookin' to date anyone, but then again it always happens when we aren't looking. It's someone I've known from years ago. She lives in Santa Cruz which is about 30-45 min from here. It's good. The distance. It keeps my crazy intense Aries in check. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not getting all wrapped up in it. I do like her quite a lot which scares the CRAP out of me. So much that I thought I should take the risk to at least explore it! Sooooo didn't want to do that, but when you feel something, you feel something. Be stupid not to investigate a mutual feeling.

Been almost overwhelmed with socialization. Always some crazy lesbian drama going down. I don't do drama!! I'm ready for a low key weekend without so much social stimulus.

Decompress.

I wish...

we had gone to counseling
I knew what I was doing
I didn't hurt so much
I had some direction
I wasn't so neurotic
I didn't have Fibromyalgia
I would have went to college while I was younger
you were still with me
I was in Portland
Cindy were here
I was stronger
texting was NEVER invented
it was 5pm