Mood: Sleepy but excited
Pain Scale: 3
It's been a year and some change since I've even thought of this blog! Kstar and I were discussing journals last night when she started to question me about my blog (which I had never let her see) whereupon I got....what's the right word....uncomfortable.
I've always seen blogs/journals as a private place to write thoughts and feelings...contemplate, evaluate, process, word vomit. I've always been a private person, constantly having a hard time simply talking and sharing about myself. I'm not sure why I do this. Possibly it was part of my upbringing. My dad always told us it was rude to ask people about money and things that make them uncomfortable. Yet I constantly hear people ask others how much they spent on something or keep asking questions although the person is visibly uncomfortable.
Last night Kstar asked me why I was so uncomfortable about it...and I really had to ask myself...Why? (after having a small argument about it). Still trying to figure it out. All I can really come up with is also the reason I don't fully disclose things about myself to strangers or even people I've known for awhile. I'm afraid of judgements, confrontation and discrimination. FEAR. sigh...stoooopid fear. Always such a huge motivator!!
So...I gave her the link...*bites finger nails* I am trying to change and maybe this is a step in the right direction. I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of, but yet I am always concerned about what people will say or how they'll react, so I'd rather not even deal with it. This in turn cheats me out of opportunities and just simple human experience. It's not doing me any good at all. So, I'm ready to try and put myself out there and just deal with, if any at all, negativity that comes my way.
In other news....
I'm participating in a new fitness project with Mindy Myrea! I have to say, it's one of the best decisions I've made in quite awhile. It's a fun and totally random wakadoo thing to do, but that's how I rolll. ;)
Over the next 2 months I will be participating in a new fitness program. The goal of becoming leaner and healthier. I've gained 25 lbs during the last year and a half or so, and I'm soooooooo ready for it to come off. I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do it. So...just what I need some motivating before pics and tons of support and people with the same goals!
How does one come upon such a random wakadoo opportunity?? Well, one day while perusing Craigslist, I came across an ad title. It called to me, said my name, gave me a heart beat of excitement!Click...read..respond..attach picture and small bio....send!!! A couple days later I was asked to come in for an interview (in my sports bra and exercise shorts)...and then the next day asked to participate!!! YAY!! Super awesome! I am sooo lucky to be given this rare opportunity! I love new life experiences, especially ones out of the norm!
Mindy is truly inspiring. She has tons of energy and is just a nonstop bundle of positive vibes!
On our first day we (we being us 30 gals selected) came in for before pictures....ugggggg....in a sports bra and exercise shorts. Yea...that's it. I was dead nervous! When I walked in I was shocked and my knees wobbled a little bit....the room was full of people! AHHHHHH....alll these folks are gonna see my chubby goods AND it's going to be documented!!!! All I could do is chant to myself "It will be over soon and it's a great opportunity....everyone has a body....it's just a vessel."
We were weighed and measured, photographed (in all types of directions....even my backside...OIE!) and had an on camera interview with Mindy. I thought the photos would be the hardest, but the interview was SUPER hard!! I'm pretty sure I bombed it! Which ties into this whole blog post. I just didn't divulge enough info about me....I was sooo disappointed in myself. Sigh...I stuck to "safe" things, didn't give up really anything of myself. Nothing about Go-Go or Fibro, which were all relevant to some of the questions. SIGH. I also have a hard time just not blanking out...hahahahha! Shit! Oh well...hopefully my next one goes better and that I can be more open.
I was surprised at how much that first day of feeling completely "naked" drained me. I wanted to cry when I got home. It was hard. Very hard.
I am totally digging the program and can feel results already! It's been two days since we started the workouts...I CAN HARDLY WALK!!! LOL! Anyway...I'm super stoked and can't wait to see what this whole adventure brings!! Not only am I getting motivated to be healthier, I get to meet 30+ awesome ladies!
