It's been a looooong time since I posted. I figured it was a good time to start blogging again. For some reason it gives me solace. Even thought I hate writing in diaries since someone may read it, blogging always comforted me. Weird. I know. Since it's on the world wide web. Eh. I figure who's reading anyways.
I guess I should really start where it left off, but that was so long ago I'm not even sure where that was. So...KC my last partner decided to transition. In fact, that was all fine and dandy with me really. I have always liked the "in-betweenies". The problem for me lied in the fact that he could never really hold down a steady job. Therefore leaving me with having to support us both. Not ok in my book. I mean I gave it almost 3 years for him to get his shit together. So, we have separated. I pretty much kicked him out of the business, which he didn't really participate in on a regular basis anyway. I moved out and now I'm living with two other roomates and working my ASS off trying to get this business off the ground.
Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have my own business, but if I knew I was going to be doing it alone I would have gone about it in a whole different manner.
Major Key Updates:
- Moved to the isolated Santa Cruz Mountains
- Partner starts transition from female to male
- Did Groupon with business
- Gave 90 day notice to my current job so I could do my Groupons
- Boss of previous job was diagnosed with lung cancer
- Stayed with previous job to help out my boss while he went through chemo and recovery
- Working 7 days a week
- Isolated Mountains were no good! Indulged in drinking and non working
- Ex (J if your following) started to reciprocate my contact
- Blew that contact cause I would get drunk and txt or call inappropriately
- Decided being sober was the way to go
- J blocked my calls/txt because of my drunk dialing habits
- Decided to leave my partner because of lack of support to get sober or help with healthy drinking habits
- Moved out and moved in with roommates near my place of business
- Got sober for a good 3 months
- Have been running the business on my own for 6 months
- Been going to counseling with partner to see where things would lead (read on to learn more)
- Started to occasionally drink again
Drinking
I believe my partner (ex-partner KC) is an alcoholic. In the beginning I tried to control it. That was of no use, so instead I decided to join her. Quite honestly those were the worst 12 months of my life. I have thrown so much away since that time. In my whole adult life, I have never let so many aspects of my life go to waste as those 12 months. It's crazy to think back about it now. I LOVE to party. I like the night life, I like having my wine on the weekends and having fun with friends. I often over indulge, but something about this girl made me forget about everything important. NEVER in my life have I not been able to pay my rent. With her....it was a struggle. I've been living on my own since 17 (I'm 35 now) and we had trouble paying our rent. I would always make sure I could at least pay my bills. For some reason she could rationalize why it was ok to sluff off our responsibilities and for some reason I would always give in to her reasons. I don't know. Maybe cause I wanted to believe it was true. That some how checks and money would magically appear like she stated. But in the end it was always ME holding the bag trying to keep it all together.
You know how they always say you repeat your mistakes until you actually learn them, well I think KC was part of that. For some reason I needed to learn AGAIN that being taken advantage of is NOT on my agenda. But for some reason I always seem to want to "help" my partner out to my own detriment. I truly tried to help her in so many ways along our journey to find a fabulous career or to build a business. What kills me is that he has soooo much family support to do whatever the fuck he wants and he just doesn't do it. He blindly told me they didn't want to help him. Cause "he was different". So, I invested tons of time and money to help him become what he always wanted to be. Guess what? NOTHING. AND his family still helps him. Part of me is so enraged about it. My family doesn't have the means to help me become what I want, I've never had anyone backing me and yet with all this help he can't fucking find a place in the world. Sorry, feeling a little jaded and used. It all goes back the to the J lesson. I always give more to someone else than myself.
*smoke break*
