Round and Round, I want to get off this ride. I am struggling with what to do. I need to talk truthfully to someone. My thoughts are slipping into darkness again. Changing them, pushing them aside is getting harder. I’ve had the high and the low is knocking on the door. I know enough now to know how this goes. I’ve been high for quite a while. This has been difficult at times, lack of concentration and focus, channelling the energy and not becoming obbessive. Stayiing even tempered and not letting irratation explode. Forcing myself to sleep more than 2/3 hours a night.
A couple of weeks ago my mood started to swing, still high mostly but with dips and negative thoughts. Old coping methods started running through my mind. Although I know they don’t work, I know that the fact I am thinking about them is a signal. Anxiety has returned and the panic attacks have started again. This is never a good sign. I saw my pysch and he prescribed a beta blocker, propanalol. I’ve started it but it really isn’t working. I am tense and tied up inside. This seems to merge with the extra energy I have and is not a pleasant feeling, I feel I am about to be launched into impending doom.
I’m so worried that a crisis is round the corner that I have pulled my head out of the sand and admitted that everything is not rosy in the garden. In the past I would be brushing off peoples concern and questions. I would be denying the need for any action. I would be outwardly proving that all is well while inwardly silently shouting for help. I’ve admitted to my care coordinator that I’m depressed. I’ve put the samaritans phone number in my phone, no care line calls for me after the last debacle. We talked about what might help and what has helped in the past. The HTT is a definate no no along with hospital, I don’t think I am at that point at the moment anyway. My hope and aim is that my admitting I need help at this point, hopefully, crisis will be avoided or if it does happen will be managed quickly.
I’ve got to find some way of managing my bipolar. I’ve got to be more open and honest about what is going on. The truth, not the facade. I’ve got to accept that bipolar is a part of me, I can’t pretend that it’s not. Ignoring it’s impact is not helpful. Pretending is not helpful. The truth is that I am in another cycle, I have not really had a time of ‘normal’ mood since leaving hospital in april. I just haven’t been depressed. At this moment I am afraid of my future, I am afraid I don’t have a future!!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Anti depressant, Anti Pyschotic, Anxiety, Bipolar, Care Coordinator, CPN, Crisis, Depression, Doctors, Drugs, Feelings, future, Help, Highs, Home Treatment Team, Honesty, HTT, Hypomania, Hypomanic, Impact, Lows, Managing, Medication, Mental Health, Mood Stabiliser, Moods, P, Pretending, Psych, Psychiatrist, Suicide, Thoughts
In my last post I said I was taking fluoxitine, aaarh as if I would willing take prozac. My experience on that poison was a mixed psychotic state that led me into the Mental Health System. I am on fluxanol and I don’t like that either. The side effects are nasty and my mood has not shifted. I’m desperate for something to work though. I’ve agreed to goto the ward as a day patient, mainly to get me out of the house, add structure to my day and let me access the theraputic benefits available there. Excuse me if I have to say that with my tongue in my cheek. From my time on the ward before I think filling in the crossword on a white board will really help my mood. Mind you that was a couple of years ago so things may have changed. Its also been suggested that we have a group meeting to hash out what meds have worked in the past and what haven’t. This meeting would include the HTT consultant, don’t like him much either, the HTTeam and myself. Hmmmm can really see me agreeing to that one, not. Well unless I take a few lorazepam first.
Nothing else has really changed. I am so desperate for something to change, I am worried that I will lose hope and change things myself
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Anti depressant, Anti Pyschotic, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Doctors, future, Home Treatment Team, HTT, Medication, Mental Health, Mood Stabiliser, Moods, Psych, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Side Effects, Suicide, Therapy, Thoughts
Aside
The doctor visited me on Thursday. Unplanned, I was expecting just one of the team and she came instead. She has increased my fluoxetine to 1mg from 0.5mg. She wants to give that a week and see if the side … Continue reading →
So I have the support of the home treatment team. What exactly does that mean. Well mostly it is a 10 minute visit or a 4 minute Phone call! Yesterday was a phone call. The conversation was pretty much like this. Them ‘how are you?’ Me ‘i’m feeling pretty crap actually. I’m frustrated, agitated, fed up and there’s been no great improvement in weeks even though I am taking your medication!’ them ‘medication will only do so much, you have to do the rest’. Me ‘am I seeing the doctor this week?’ Them’it’s not on the board they will assess your need’. Ok we will see you tomorrow’. End of call leaving me feeling like shit. More thoughts of how this is all my fault, more thoughts of how it is all my fault. If I was a better person I would be able to get through this and leave them thouse there 4 minutes of support to someone else. I know I asked for the HTT but that was mainly because they wanted me to stay on the new mess and because of the side effects they new I would probably stop taking them. With the HTT i could have the support of a doctor more readily to help cope with the side effects. Well that has not happened in the last ten days. My guess is they are going to discharge me this week. i think my CPN is back next week and I already have an appointment with my psych. So that’s fine my crisis must be over. I don’t know what I expected from them just a little bit more than I have got I suppose but I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s always like this and mostly they just seem to be deciding whether to put me in hospital or discharge me.
I will either get through this or put an end to it. i just don’t know if I can go on knowing this is my future, more of this. Even my psych feels that my prognosis is poor!
Crashing into the Mental System 
