Tag Archives: Hypomania

Backstabbing Jealous Bitch!!!!!!

Posted on September 11, 2013 | 2 comments

Sometimes it feels the world is against you. It doesn’t matter what you do you constantly land flat on your arse.
After all the anxiety of a DLA decision that took a near tribunal, paper work that would kill off a rain forest, letters from a mass of people and loads ands loads of anxiety and probably added to my visit to Butlins on the NHS I was awarded the benefit.
The Benefits saga seemed to have sorted itself just. It was a mess due to the amount of time I didn’t receive the DLA. I have huge problems dealing with all these departments and thought that for the time being it was done with.
Yesterday a brown envelope came through my letterbox. I am now being investigated for fraud of benefits. They haven’t told me exactly what they think I have done and won’t until I am cautioned. It makes no sense to me though, since I got the letter not much has made sense through my lorazepam haze.
I’ve been grassed on. That’s a statement, as to be grassed on you have to be doing something wrong. I haven’t, unless you count taking more lorazepan than you should an offence. I know who has done it. Jealously and envy are not a becoming personality trait especially when you know that there is no cure for this certain person.
I know I have nothing to feel guilty for but the whole process scares the wits out of me, I haven’t stopped throwing up, I can’t shut down with out taking drugs. I am having chest pains and seriously having suicidal thoughts. My moods have been a little out of control for a while but I feel I’ve been picked up by a tornado.
I’ve been feeling paranoid for months ever since coming out of hospital. I’ve spoken to my CC about it. I even said to her that the GRASS would see me as a vulnerable person and that I couldn’t ignore her as she would do something horrible. There’s a saying, Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, unfortunately it’s not worked. I think the time has come to kick said GRASS to touch.
I think I’m starting to lose the plot, I don’t even know if I will make it to the interview, I may be otherwise disposed, I can’t cope.

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DOES PHYSICAL ILL HEALTH TRIGGER MOOD EPISODES

Posted on September 8, 2013 | Leave a comment

I’ve found a trigger that sends me into a mixed episode. I’ve had a suspicion for a while but now I am pretty sure that physical ill health sometimes precedes a shift in my mood. I have a chest infection, bronchitis. I noticed the symptoms and have seen my doctor and been prescribed antibiotics which I am taking. Already I can feel a change. I am not tired, I have energy, my to do list is growing longer by the hour, my concentration is crap and I am flitting from one thing to another. I should be lying flat on my back in bed, I have a fever but every time I think about taking something for it I get distracted. Why is this a problem most people would love not to feel ill when they are ill, the trouble is that I do feel ill, I am aware of my chest hurting the shortness of breath, the fever and the hacking cough it’s just I don’t have time to give any of it recognition. I know these are all signs of my mood going high, unfortunately though my thoughts are turning negative. My lists are including tidying up issues, sorting through my paper work, not leaving my rubbish for other people. I’m on top of it, I’m aware of these thoughts and I’m using coping methods to deal with them they are not strong. But I am entering a danger zone, one that with hindsight has led to hospital. I suffer from chest infections and having at least 1 per year is normal for me. The last two times I have been in hospital were preceded by chest infections (I rarely suffer from any other ill health). One of these hospitalisations came while I was still on antibiotics, I had a severe reaction to the penicillin prescribed and came out in hives and swelling all over my face and body. The staffs reaction to this allergic reaction was that it must be something I had used, I was given steroids to counteract the reaction but when I stopped taking them the hives and swelling reappeared, I was pretty much accused of deliberately using something to bring on the reaction. Subsequently a doctor realised the connection and I am not allowed to take penicillin again. I’m pretty sure too that I had just finished a course of antibiotics for another chest infection just before my last incarceration earlier this year. The question is, is this all coincidence or is there a connection. Do antibiotics flip a switch in my head like anti depressants or is it that when my bodies immune system kicks in the switch flips or is it none of these. I don’t know and I’ve not been able to find any information on whether this could be the case either. Whatever happens I’m aware of it now and I am making myself take things easy, I am just hoping that it all stays manageable.     

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Rapid Cycling

Posted on June 8, 2013 | Leave a comment

Round and Round, I want to get off this ride. I am struggling with what to do. I need to talk truthfully to someone. My thoughts are slipping into darkness again. Changing them, pushing them aside is getting harder. I’ve had the high and the low is knocking on the door. I know enough now to know how this goes. I’ve been high for quite a while. This has been difficult at times, lack of concentration and focus, channelling the energy and not becoming obbessive. Stayiing even tempered and not letting irratation explode. Forcing myself to sleep more than 2/3 hours a night.
A couple of weeks ago my mood started to swing, still high mostly but with dips and negative thoughts. Old coping methods started running through my mind. Although I know they don’t work, I know that the fact I am thinking about them is a signal. Anxiety has returned and the panic attacks have started again. This is never a good sign. I saw my pysch and he prescribed a beta blocker, propanalol. I’ve started it but it really isn’t working. I am tense and tied up inside. This seems to merge with the extra energy I have and is not a pleasant feeling, I feel I am about to be launched into impending doom.
I’m so worried that a crisis is round the corner that I have pulled my head out of the sand and admitted that everything is not rosy in the garden. In the past I would be brushing off peoples concern and questions. I would be denying the need for any action. I would be outwardly proving that all is well while inwardly silently shouting for help. I’ve admitted to my care coordinator that I’m depressed. I’ve put the samaritans phone number in my phone, no care line calls for me after the last debacle. We talked about what might help and what has helped in the past. The HTT is a definate no no along with hospital, I don’t think I am at that point at the moment anyway. My hope and aim is that my admitting I need help at this point, hopefully, crisis will be avoided or if it does happen will be managed quickly.
I’ve got to find some way of managing my bipolar. I’ve got to be more open and honest about what is going on. The truth, not the facade. I’ve got to accept that bipolar is a part of me, I can’t pretend that it’s not. Ignoring it’s impact is not helpful. Pretending is not helpful. The truth is that I am in another cycle, I have not really had a time of ‘normal’ mood since leaving hospital in april. I just haven’t been depressed. At this moment I am afraid of my future, I am afraid I don’t have a future!!

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Aside

The doctor visited me on Thursday. Unplanned, I was expecting just one of the team and she came instead. She has increased my fluoxetine to 1mg from 0.5mg. She wants to give that a week and see if the side … Continue reading →

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Posted on January 6, 2013

Answers!!!!!

Posted on December 1, 2012 | Leave a comment

I need to make some changes or I don’t ever see how my life will be different. I don’t like taking medication, it’s not the magic pill I want it to be. However, I know that that view is a little unrealistic. I don’t like the way I am or can be when I am on medication but then again I don’t like the way I am or can be when I am not on medication. I guess I have reached an impasse with myself. I have gained some rationality back and can see that the direction I am heading in is quite destructive.

My biggest wish is for more stability of my moods. The swings are so difficult to deal with, I just don’t know where I am with it all most of the time. Even good days can be bad. I seem to move forward and then it all disentegrates.

I saw my psych again today. I’ve agreed to go back on my meds, otherwise what is the point of keeping my appointments. He wants to put me on lithium but I am not ready to give that a go so I am going to go back on what I was on. The HTTeam was suggested or hospital but at least I was given the choice for now and he agreed not to go down the routes for the time being.

I still don’t think that medication is the full answer for me but I just don’t know where else to go for answers.

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Inevitable Future

Posted on March 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

I’m walking a tight rope. Every day takes a lot of effort. I can feel the pull of depression, it drags me but I am fighting it, I don’t want to go down. I am trying to ignore the many negative thoughts that swirl around my head, the suicidal ideas that take up space and that I push aside. I am tired, it is not just a lack of energy it is bone tired, everything in my being is tired. I use all my energy to not fall of the tight rope. My mask has slipped and my mood has broken through, my aggitation has taken hold but only briefly. I have managed to keep up my facade mostly. I don’t know how long I can carry this on though. I don’t know if what I am doing is right. By using all this effort am I just heading for a bigger crash. It has been this way for weeks and shows no sign of improvement. Where is that high when I need it.

I continue, waking every morning hoping that today will be a better day, but I cannot rid myself that my life has an inevitable future and that one day I may give up the fight and maybe achieve the peace that my mind screams out for.

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Are Drugs Making me Mental

Posted on February 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

Do I really have a mental health problem. Have I been brain washed, bought into what I have been told. Have I accepted it all as reasoning for my not being able to cope with life or my life to be exact. They have told me I am Bipolar, I have bipolar, I have a mental illness. I have to take medication to make myself better, to live. It’s not a short course of pills I have been told that it could be a life long course. But I question, do the pills make things better or do they give me the symptoms of my mental illness. I know that I have taken pills that have most definately made me suicidal (prozac and anti depressants) and quite mental so how do I know that what I am taking now is actually helping me when instead it could be doing the same just more subtly. These thoughts are reocurring, they are constantly on my mind. When I talk about it with my CPN, psych etc they all tell me that they are helping and that I should take my medication and there is definately the under currant that if I don’t then i will end up in hospital to make sure that I do. However, who’s to say that all the medication that I have taken over the past years has not chemically changed my brain and that I haven’t been conditioned to accept that my illness makes me feel the way that I do. If I was to discontinue it and give it time would my brain return to it’s once chemically unaltered state. Would I still be Bipolar or is it a pipe dream, just never going to happen. Am I willing to take the risk. I am addicted to my psych drugs and like any addict can I make my way out of that addiction and can I survive without them.

I function very well on a day to day basis. I don’t really make any firm plans for the future for myself, I very rarely comit to invitations. I am able to put on a facade very well when I have to, even able to keep it up for extended periods of time, but it’s all a sham when I am ‘unwell’ My picture is mixed, I’ve become a fantastic actress, a master of lies and cover ups. I have definately learnt what and how to hide the truth from experiences learnt from being in the mental health system. I am not a novice. I do anything and everything to stay away from the dreaded hospital admission. And then I reach a point that I cannot hide the real pain that I am in.

I have been told that I need to come to terms with this me, with this diagnosis. If I come to terms with it then I can move forward. But thats not me, I don’t like to accept things without question. I like to ask questions, I like answers not brush offs. I want to understand. I need to understand as I fear what my future will be. The constant lows, the negative thoughts and suicidal thinking, I don’t know how long I can battle them. Each time I feel more helpless, my future hopeless. Yes I have got through them in the past sometimes just by sheer luck. The occasional highs that seem to go a bit higher and on for longer each time they arrive. I am terrified of becoming psychotic, I know I have walked that tightrope recently. I am terrified of being sectioned. These things keep me taking their pills but I am not convinced. Can I afford to take the chance. Should I be trusting and compliant and believe that they know best. I already push hard against them when I can. I refuse to take anti psychotics and I self medicate with sleepers and benzos if i have to but I am compliant with many other things I am passive if thats what I need to be.

I am at a cross roads, I want to feel I am in control, I don’t want my life to be decided on in weekly meetings and discussions. I want to totally withdraw from mental health services, but I know that that won’t happen soon. I have a young child, I go through regular periods of instability and they don’t think that I don’t need them. I wish I had answers but I don’t the more I think the more questions I have. I wish I had a time machine, crystal ball, anything that could just give me some right answers.

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Fat and Ugly

Posted on January 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

Ugly and old. Thats how I am feeling amongst other things but there the two that have my attention most. When I start heading down I see myself in a certain way. When I catch my reflection, which I don’t do willing, I see an old person, stranger looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself, well thats not entirely true I do recognise myself I just don’t like what I see. I look old, my skin looks and feels dull. I notice lines, thin lips, grey hairs and saggy bits. I look so much older than what I am. This assessment then continues as negative staements about my whole body. I avoid myself, I cover up with lots of layers to disguise myself. I see nothing to change these negative thoughts just more negatives to reinforce them. It doesn’t help either that in this phase of downhill spin i have huge cravings for carbohydrates. I eat food that I would not normally go near which starts piling on the weight which then makes me hate myself even more. It all becomes a vicious circle.

When I become very depressed my appetite disappears. At this point I see nothing wrong with not eating for days. I live on tea and very little else. This then leads to dramatic weightloss. My mind spins with nothing but negatives which whirl around constantly. This allows me to block any demands from my body. It almost becomes a form of self harm.

If I go high then things change. I look in the mirror, I see a vibrant younger me. I don’t see so many lines, my eyes are bright, I am intelligent and able to take on the world, I am on a par with everyone else or better. Everything about me is better.

I know this all part of my bipolar but that doesn’t change the reality of it all. It is just part of my rollercoaster. Rather than keep a mood diary I could easily keep a weight diary. As my weight goes up my mood goes down. If my weight drops enough then somehow my mood seems to shoot upwards though that is not a guarantee as sometimes it becomes a mix of the two and last time my weightloss was more than any time before.

I don’t really know what my point is. I know at the moment I am on the slope downwards and this is the reason for writing this post. I just don’t like myself and I am grasping for reasons why and how to stop it getting worse. I don’t feel I have anyone to confide in either so hence releasing on my blog.

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The Joys of Medication

Posted on December 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

Medication, I hate taking it, nothing seems to really work particually well for me. My mood stabiliser has been the same for about 1 1/2 years now but i still get bad lows and the occassional hypermanic breakthrough moods. This is when something is added to my lamotrigine and thats where the problems start. I am very sensitive to anti depressants, they really mess with me in a negative way. I can’t think of one that has helped. Normally they send me hypermanic and then i crash or i get a mixed episode. Then there are the anti psychotics, apart from the side effects that i find really difficult to deal with. Lying on a sofa unable to do anything is not something i find acceptable, yes it stops the suicidal side of my depressions but only because my brain and body are zombiefied. Weight gain is another factor, i only need to look at an anti psychotic to start putting on weight, not a good thing as that leads to major health issues that will probably shorten my life and don’t go away when you stop taking them. If my depression doesn’t kill me then the drugs will. I have some battle scars from psychiatric drugs. One sent my cholestral so high so quick that i now have cholestral deposits that people point out to me. How rude is that but another subject for another time. They won’t ever go away and they are something i have to live with.

The reason i find myself writing about medication is that at my next appointment my psychiatrist has said he wants to add something to my mood stabiliser. He doesn’t think it is working on it’s own very well and that we need to find something to even and stabilise my mood better.  Dread is creeping up on me. Adding medication is like playing russian roulette with me. Will it send me high, which i don’t mind so much, but that generally leads to a crash. or is it going to knock me for six. I know that he wanted to add it before christmas but i side stepped it, not a good time to be playing with medication as far as i am concerned.

I have come to realise that i do better on some medication than on nothing. Experience has taught me that dropping my meds doesn’t work for me either. That doesn’t mean i am happy about it. I need to stop stressing about it. My new CPN is keeping a close eye on me, she frequently asks about my meds and if i am taking them. She speaks to my psych reguarly and is constantly asking about my mood. I don’t know where things stand with her yet. I get the feeling that if i start going in the wrong direction that she will step in hard and fast which could cause my stubborn streak to kick in.

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After the High Comes the Low

Posted on November 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

High that was me. I was quite hypermanic bordering on manic or so I was told. I know that things were definately good. I was even more surprised at how long it lasted. It has been a slow decline, it has been a slow slip backwards. First the energy and motivation lowered with everything else following behind. Now I can feel everything slipping below that ‘normal’ line. I am trying to stay positive, I am trying to hope that this isn’t going to be a continuous slip back to that black hole.

The thing I find so frustrating is that I don’t seem to have long periods of stability. My mood generally lives below the line and then drops to my boots. These periods haunt me they are so familiar; I feel that an outside force drags me there one I cannot stop no matter how much I try to change it.

This is my life. A rollercoaster of painful emotions. How long can I live like this. I want to live I just don’t want this to be my future. I don’t want the highs or the lows, blips are ok. I just want something inbetween.

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