Courageous

Before my toes lies a yearning heart, trusting eyes and a mind of unyielding depth. And all of the sudden I'm a philosopher, a referee, a psychologist, and a therapist. I'm the dreamer that sees endless potential, the teacher that inspires vivid creation, the director that fabricates scenes of wild imagination. I'm a being of incomparable zeal that explodes the realm of simple reality in which we exchange our feeble attempts at transcendence. I'm the Statue of Liberty, you are Martin Luther King Jr. We are courageous and we will change the world.

I am a bent-over heap of frustration; inadequate and stumbling at every turn. You are the pink, heart-shaped sticky-notes with scrawled quips of love and kindness that cover the wall. I am the pile of unread books, missed opportunities and dissipated dreams. You are the sequin-bedecked chiffon that lights up the room with rainbows, reflecting the most powerful source of light in our universe.

You climb the scaffolding of my visions and see beyond the horizons of my insufficient sketches. The winds of my torrential self-doubt can't tear at the banner of your confidence and you hold it high, higher than the strength of your own vibrant voice. I carry you on the sloping shoulders of my heart and trust in the changing tides until they sweep you away to the places only wings can take you.

I will remain in the aftermath of your departure, taller than I was with the bricks of your unconditional love and fervor as the foundation of my aging cavity; fuller than I was with the encompassing warmth of your irreplaceable presence.

(photo taken October 2017)

space

there is space in life. there is space in the mind, in sound, and in the tangible.

we fill it or we empty it. 

we resent it or we embrace it.

but with children there is no space.

they are in your lap cuddling, they are at your feet screaming.

they are in your ears singing, they are in your face whining.

their tragedies crush you and their needs overwhelm you.

their future is in your mind.

their past is in your heart.

their laughter and their tears are in your soul. 

near or far, their whispers knock you down, their pleas break you, their smiles lift you, their happiness breathes the very life into you.

feel it, fill it, embrace it.

and shed some tears while you're at it.

the non-conformists

 just about the way most of the photos turn out with each photo shoot. just about the way most of my life looks. it's good to be reminded i really have no control, which really means i can't be held responsible for any of it; for better or for worse. 

eliza: "don't touch me cause i'm SHY!"

jade: these days, you seem to have better ideas than cooperating with anything from mom's direction. for the sake of both of us, let's hope we come to an understanding sooner than later. however, you did "go the extra mile" with chores the other day and couldn't have been more proud of yourself when i described what you had done. i'm glad that innately cooperative child is still in there. 

just the facts

because usually i never just share the facts;

jade started piano and violin lessons a few months ago. her first recital for violin is November 12th and for piano is December 5th. 

she is also in preschool this year. she loves it, i put up with it. i miss her and always wonder if it's the right thing. except i know it is so then i stop wondering. 

she went under general anesthesia for work on her teeth for more than 4 cavities ... we've reevaluated the candy and sweets intake around here. 

she loves to draw. anything; horses, herself, her family, letters, numbers, spelling words, shapes, designs. "mom, this is our family," points to a heart above all of us, "and this is our love for each other."

she loves to do puzzles; 48-piece ones. 

she started telling stories - with all the flair of a good storyteller; hands, soft and dramatic voices, full of magic and mystery. and story-line resolution is never mandatory.

she also has started trying "no. i can do whatever i want mom."

last week at tumbling she hid herself in the entry room. i had to stop the teacher in the middle of locking the door when i realized jade wasn't in the car. needless to say, she doesn't play hide and seek at the end of class anymore. 

oh, and she always has to be first. at everything. 

eliza. she's just so feisty. tantrums galore, argumentative, mopey, dramatic, angry, screamy. any word of direction from me, or lack of cooperation on my part, demands a full body flop onto the floor. and all this is wonderfully exacerbated by a swollen cheek from dental work done a week ago. let's hope the antibiotics bring some emotional relief to the household soon. 

she loves food. she loves getting dressed and prefers the soft clothing (not the over-washed cotton t-shirt that is "scratchy"). she teases better than anyone in the household and has the most contagious laugh. she is loved by everyone and often coined as "an angel" when i ask how she did while being babysat. 

little do they know ...

she's extremely determined and will try over and over until she gets it; seat belt buckle, putting on her shoes, buttoning her sweater. she's a fighter and i'll take the cons with the pros. as naturally jade is obedient, eliza is defiant. it's a fireworks show of wills at our house. 

the music school is growing, and i am growing too. in many ways that are equally wonderful and painful. 

aaron enjoys his work and is looking forward to helping out with the high school track team when they start their winter program in a couple weeks. 

facts are not my favorite thing to write about but i guess they have a little something to do with shaping our character in life. 

sunday photo: a sister act

 

for the sisters that don't always act like they love each other;

your endless hours of play will turn into endless hours of talking.

your incessant fighting will turn into an abundance of thought-provoking discussions.

you will hug each other, you will punch each other, you will do each others' hair, you will tease each other. you will teach each other the truth about love, forgiveness and acceptance.

you will continue to cry because of each other but you will begin to cry with each other.

 you will learn to shout at each other with your lips shut tight, but you will cheer each other on with voices louder than your most angry, toddler-intense scream.

you will tell each other your deepest pains and celebrate your most menial feats. 

you will love and embrace each other like no one else can. not even me.

you will be the best thing you have in the world.

sunday photo

it's not often daddy is home with us on sundays. today he gets to enjoy our new found traditions of a photo shoot, quiet time, reading a chapter of little house in the big woods, and watching a movie together while eating pancakes for dinner.

intermingled in there (with unnerving frequency) they will fight, argue, scream and cry. they play beautifully but they fight just has horribly. we have to capture the beautiful moments when they're there and not deny the ugly ones when they rise up. 

we gotta be real about everything after all.

another sunday photo

 scared of the ants

i'm now 30. some of me is old, some of me is new. 

and most of me is a constant rebirth of what has always been. 

i have less energy, but more passion. i have less understanding, but greater faith. 

i still pray and i still cry. but i laugh with greater freedom.

i believe with more faith, i weep with more pain, i pray with greater fervor and seek with less inhibition.

i hope to see you there.