Defying History

When I look upon my failure to really be a real blogger, which is rolled into following my passion for writing and thoughts on living -- I think "I cannot repeat this history, as it simply doesn't define me." Perhaps it did. Yet it doesn't. Defying history is a matter of not allowing oneself to focus on (or even take an extended peep to) the past. When I focus on the past, thoughts of discouragement arise. My busy schedule makes it tricky to squeeze in "leisure writing". Excuses arise. Self flagellation begins. You may know this drill...

In my experience, the combination plate of self hatred and past re-hashing are a red light to success and feeling empowered.

Instead, what I want is that feeling of actualization you get when you're creating something authentic. At times I know I've stopped because of doubts about authenticity and what it all means. I tend to get wrapped up in -- and then halted by -- over-analysis. Oddly, I know that one of my talents is a knack in synthesizing information. I'm good at digesting and then re-packaging information to suit the need. Yet I've not often let me do this for myself.

Surely there's something in that. A fear of failure. A fear of choosing badly. Regret, maybe? Absolutely. All those statements ring true. A daily reminder of the fact that inaction is itself a failure, worse than having not tried.

I wonder about synthesizing my interests into a focal point. Or perhaps there's a couple focal points. For example, I have a food blog, and then this blog. Neither of which I have (historically) been consistent about updating. Sure there have been times, but nothing long-standing. Nothing that feels authentic. Do I stop myself because I feel torn between these two areas? Or is it more a matter of letting the daily life take over? Methinks yes. Letting life happen around while I will write again...someday. ugh! Seriously, someday is such a horrid word.

To inspire the right path, I'm going to list some things that bring me joy, light my fire, turn up the heat. The focus on the positive authentic love will foster open creativity.

Things that bring on the juice:
synergistic conversation
walks in nature
post-workout endorphin rush
sharing a helping hand
flowing water
the smell of citrus & mint
music that encourages movement (think James Brown)
luscious food
accidental surprises
paint to canvas
present-beingness

Staying Focused

I've been having trouble lately staying focused on my personal goal to attend graduate school for becoming a community counselor. I don't doubt for second that this career is an ideal and rewarding path for me. Yet...I haven't made it real enough yet.

I'm guilty of letting it slide. Taking the easy path. Or so I tricked myself into believing.

The path I have historically taken which leads me to marginal success and a mediocre feeling of accomplishment. Did I mention zero in the realm of fulfillment and feeling of usefulness to the world?

Yeah...not a winning formula, though I've stayed alive.

When I look back on that formula, I'm still living it in many ways. Though I have my graduate school interview in tote, I'm not there yet. I want to keep the passion for this career path a daily felt experience. But I let it slide. I don't forget, but I don't stay envigorated by it. I have become consumed by external things, and as a result become grumpy and close to resentful about those other things. Even just the laundry. Or the dishes. Or the fact I have a dirty kitchen floor. None of these things will cause the earth to shift its course, no. Yet they weigh on the spirit if you let them.

So how to stay focused? Devotion. I've realized it takes attention, foster, love, and commitment to your dreams. If you drop them, they will melt and fall beneath the surface of the makings of everyday life. Yet if you foster and hold them tender, I think it's possible they become a part of your everyday life.

This is what I'm embarking on. It's simply and totally huge and enlivening. I'm so not sure how it will look and evolve, and that's precisely how I know I'm on the path to success.

Musings on Being Useful

So much has gone on...I've gotten caught up and neglected to commit to an important act that nourishes me, what pleases me. I'm certain I have something useful to share in my writing, but yet, when in the midst, I simply don't commit to doing so.

I’ve done a lot of writing over the last few weeks, just none in this blog. Which, kinda goes against my proclamation several weeks back to really hunker down and post more…So, it’s time to play catch up and take a look at what went wrong the last time I committed to sticking to it. This has me thinking about the things that would be best to hone in on, to share on the blog in other words. I feel like blog posts need to be useful , among other things. No pressure, right? But in all reality, it's not like I have a huge following with people chomping at the bit! So really...its NOT huge pressure!

I think part of my delay is my historical tendency to hold too tightly those things that are dear to me. Heck I even do this with my dog sometimes! But more importantly with the esoteric side of life, I do it by witholding. It's a combination of not doing it justice (as in, I can't possibly put that into words) and I think a fear of losing "what's good" if I open up. I've learned (slowly) that this is a falsehood. No amount of goodness can really be taken from you by sharing it with others, with the world for that matter. In fact, it only expands and inspires.

Duh.

OK, so, my last problem pertaining to this is being wrapped up in being too busy and not putting a schedule together to share the useful thoughts (or thoughts on being useful, as is the case here). In theory, if I make time for it, it will come. Even my "hoarding the goods" tendency can be overcome by my excitement to share something positive.

Applying Yourself

This morning I've set out to finalize graduate school applications and I'm feeling a strong case of the blahs. I've done everything BUT work on my application work this morning. So now my work on working on myself over the years has me asking if it's a true "blah" feeling or is it the feeling that overtakes one about to embark on something great...one risking failure along the way? Perhaps I am just tired, it's still only in my warm up part of the day and I've had a long working weekend. I find myself searching for the passion, the excitement, the motivation I felt the last few weeks when I was embarking on the application process.

And so I will just start, because as I learned in yoga, showing up is the most important part of the process. I'll start out by listing the objectives of my writing and I'll allow myself to let go of what comes out from there. Perhaps a brief yoga asana practice will also inspire if I still don't have clarity from there.