The scare and uncertainty...

Everything was going nicely.  I did another HPT on 26th and then another on 28th, all of which showed two lines and the one on the 28th even looked darker. Then, yesterday morning (29th) I went to the washroom, wiped and saw blood.... My heart just sank.  I screamed to get my husband to the bathroom, and he just knew that something was wrong.  His first words were actually if I am bleeding. I saw a little blood clot in the washroom. I was devastated....  I tried to keep positive, most important is the fact that we did it NATURALLY, so it can happen again, may be with IUI but we do have a real chance now.

I was down for the entire day... as the day progressed the pinkish blood turned to brown discharges that I am still getting.  My fertility clinic is closed, my OBGYN's office is closed (forever, as he retired) and my family doctor's office is closed. So this morning I called an early pregnancy clinic and they recommended I go to a walk-in.  I did.

I spent over 6 hours there.  And I cannot tell you if it was worth it or not as I have more questions than answers.  

First was the blood draw that they had to send to the main hospital to get quantitative beta.  Then I had an u/s.  I waited for it for an hour, and then they asked me if my bladder was full. Which was a joke! as when I came in they asked me to pee in a cup (which I couldn't do, and they kind of dropped it).  I had nothing to drink since I got to the clinic. So they gave me water and I waited for another 30 min.  The u/s tech was nice.  She did an abdominal u/s first, but couldn't see much, so asked for a vaginal one. I said sure as I had tons of them before.  She said she can see a gestational sac but since its tiny she can't see anything inside. The sac was measuring at 4 mm and she said that it is the right side for my LMP.

After u/s I went back into the waiting room to wait for test results.  At around 3 p.m. I decided to get out of the clinic and buy something to eat, when the nurse assured me that they still didn't have my results and doctor will not be looking for me, so I went out, but the stupid cafeteria was closed already.  I haven't eaten since 9 a.m.  The good thing was that I made many friends, and once I complained that I haven't eaten all day, one lady gave me a banana. :) 

So I was at the clinic since 11 a.m. and spent most of the time in the waiting room.  I watched 2 episodes of C-S-I Mia.mi and Crim.inal Mi.nds.  Then there were some kind of real life series about cops that was a big boring, so I started wondering around the hospital. Closer to 5 p.m. the nurse told me that the results came in.  She told me the number, and I couldn't believe it.  The beta was 1,940. I asked her twice as I was expecting my beta's to be over 10,000 as I was 5w3d pregnant according to a calculator based on my LMP.  The nurse said that it was within the acceptable range for 5 weeks, but that didn't make me feel any better.

I met with a doctor shortly thereafter, and he told me that the u/s shows the signs of an early pregnancy and its still too early to say if it is viable.  He referred me to an early pregnancy clinic and also said that he wants me to repeat the u/s next Monday (January 6).  He said it is normal for women to spot during pregnancy and only time will tell if this will work.

As I was sitting in the hallway waiting for DH & DS to pick me up and googling the hell out of all the numbers, I also started reading the u/s report, and it looks like the sac is measuring just under 5 weeks.  That made me feel really down. Coupled with low beta numbers at 5w3d, things didn't look too promising. 

Then when I got home, I looked at my tracking app, and it looks like I might have ovulated later than the standard cd14. So I can be as early as 21dpo to 24dpo. I remember that my RE wants to see a result of 500 at 14dp5dt (which is 19dpo), so if we assume regular doubling time, 1,000 at 21dpo, and 2,000 at 23 dpo. Which means that my numbers are not that far off.  That makes me feel a bit more optimistic about this thing, but I think I need some prayers going my way for this to actually work out.

My mood has been up and down for the past couple of days. I am mentally exhausted from spending the whole day at the hospital. Ugh.... But I just had to know! Plus when I got home, my pad showed much more brown discharge than usual. I hope that it was caused by the vaginal u/s. 

So that's were we are for now, in somewhat limbo place, hoping and praying for this miracle baby to join our family in late August.

Christmas present story....

What happened on Christmas morning is nothing short of a miracle, and since we are Jewish, we don't really celebrate Christmas at all.

I was in my first cycle after our failed FET, looking back at my tracking app we did BDed twice sometime around ovulation, mostly for exercise purposes for when I start temping in the new year. It was getting close to my AF and she was nowhere to be seen.  Every time I wiped expecting some blood, there were none.  A little tiny thought came into my head.... may be.... but I sent it away.  There is no chance in hell after going through years of infertility the universe would allow us to get pregnancy like that... without doctors, without drugs, without pretty much anything.

Well, by Tuesday morning I decided to take an HPT (since we have tons of internet cheap ones). So I did, I was watching this thing like a hawk.  I could see the liquid going through the test and it is getting tinted. The control line appeared, and then within seconds I saw what looked like a second line.  I think I said a few swear words at that moment.

I did another test just to make sure, as never in a million years I expected it to have a second line. We were not that lucky.  So when the second one worked, and after a few minutes there were definitely 2 lines on both, I took both tests and woke up DH.  His reaction "This is not true" I had tears in my eyes from him being so negative. He was trying to explain to me that it cannot happen and there must be something wrong, I am probably not pregnant and something else is causing it or it is a faulty test. I did tell him that if the line is there it is possible. Notwithstanding whether it is a viable pregnancy, ectopic or chemical pregnancy, I AM PREGNANT!  He didn't believe me.

That morning we went to my sis house. I asked DH if I can tell her and he said no.  But when we were there. He said, "show her the picture".  And I did.  My sis and BIL were extremely happy for us, we hugged and cried, and both of them convinced DH that it is actually real!

Since we told my sis and BIL, DH wanted to tell his immediate family, and we were going there for dinner anyways. But before that I wanted my parents to know, so I called my mom and told her :) This way, there would be no upsets from my side of the family.

Everyone were exited.  So for now only immediate family knows, our parents and our siblings.  We are keeping it this way.

Christmas present?

This was on Christmas morning, the story to follow....

Back to square one :(

Today was my beta day...

We watched TV until very late last night and then I couldn't fall asleep. I woke up before my alarm clock and just tossed and turned, so I barely had 4 hours of sleep. At 6 a.m. DS was not sleeping so I stayed with him for about 5 min after I took a quick shower and  got ready. I was hoping he would fall back asleep, but when I left his room and looked at the monitor, his eyes were wide open.  The blessing was that he was not crying so DH could still catch a few winks before getting up with him at 7:15 a.m.

My sis picked me up and I took a train downtown. We didn't tell the family (well mostly we didn't, my mom and BIL knew), so I just told her that I need to do more tests and she asked me if afterwords they will tell me if I can do a transfer.  When I got into the elevator to go up to my clinic, there was another girl there with me.  She got out on the same floor and it turned out that we both were going to the same place. It also turned out that she was the girl who did her transfer at the same time as me.  We chatted for a bit waiting for blood work, and while having our blood work done. She gave me a hug and we agreed to meet at the clinic on Wednesday for our second beta tests. I really hope that even though I am not going to be there, that she is, her story is sad and I really wish her a BFP.

I called DH on my way to the subway to tell him that it is out of my hands now and headed to the office.  He picked me up from the subway, and we tried to joke around a bit, although the thought of our future getting decided weighted heavily on our shoulders.  Even the sky was ominously grey with only limited amount of sun rays getting through.  DH noted that the sky is so resembling our situation.

We got to the office, I took all my drugs and made a couple of phone calls. Of course I couldn't concentrate.  Close to noon, DH asked if I wanted to eat, and I told him that I couldn't put anything in my mouth at that time as I was too nervous.  I was on another call when the second line beeped and it was REs office.  I tried to finish the conversation quick, but I did miss that call.  I ran into DH's office and told him to come over as they called.  BIL came over as well, and three of us sat around my desk listening to the message.  As I was dialing the number, to calm myself a bit I said that if it's bad news so be it.  It was.  The beta came back negative and I was to stop all medication. :(

I was holding pretty good. No tears.  BIL told us to keep it together and quickly retrieved to give us some alone time to grief.  I could see that DH was also on the verge of tears, but he doesn't cry (I saw him cry only once during our 12 year relationship, and that was when his father passed away). We talked a few times over the next couple of hours as I was emailing the clinic to set up WTF appointment and a few tests ahead of that.  The appointment was scheduled for January 28 - a long time away.

Since BIL was with us, there was one more person who knew what's going on and deserved to know the result - my mom.  I couldn't bring myself to call her, as every time I would think about it I would cry. So I asked DH to call her and he did.  I also messaged sis with the news so she wouldn't ask anymore questions about when our transfer is going to be.

I left the office shortly thereafter, went to a store to buy some stuff for DH and then home to update everyone in my e-community. I did talk to one client at home and had a short nap before picking up LO from day care.  I ended up spending about 20 min at daycare as there were only 3 kids there and they were drawing, so I let my LO to hang around a bit longer.

Once we got home and got undressed, I hugged him really tight and kissed him all over. He is my little miracle, my everything. I don't know how I would have handled this failure if he wasn't in our lives. DH was not home, and surprisingly my LO let me hold on to him for much longer than usually. I wasn't really crying, but I was not in a happy place.  DH was running late so my LO and I spent the entire evening playing and dancing together.  I don't care now if I am holding him and dancing with him, as my uterus is empty.  He was laughing so hard and I would do anything for his laugh.

So what are we up to now... our immediate future - I will start temping and we will try the old fashion way.  As well will try to lose some more weight - 2 kg loss so far (but I finished half of the box of chocolates while I was home alone, so I am not sure how that will effect my weight).  I am trying to get requisition for DH to do a SA before our apt with our RE as we want to discuss real options and not hypotheticals.  If his count is up, we can try IUIs before moving into IVF #3. We are thinking 3 IUIs but I guess it will all depend on his number pre and post wash. Ugh.... I can't believe we are at this place again. Why can't we just get a F-ing break for once!!!!!  I am angry!!! I want DS to have a sibling who is very close to him in age, like me and my sis and like DH and his brother, but DS is turning 2 years old in 4 months, and what are the chances of us getting pregnant before his second birthday to have at least 3 years difference. I am pissed, but there is nothing I can do right now to change it. I just want my family to be complete. I have to acknowledge the fact that it will not happen on my terms and let the life take over.  Can I do that?  Not now. I am hoping the relief will come with AF, whenever she decides to show, as I have been on a LOT of hormones lately. AND YES, I do have the stupid pregnancy symptoms still, sore boobies, nausea, cramping and tiredness. Hmmm.... may be the clinic made a mistake? and I am pregnant...... unfortunately that doesn't happen in real life and the sooner I get AF the better.

Anyways, I guess the journey to baby #2 is continuing...  

My snowbabies are on board - never a dull moment - PUPO - 9dp5dt

Where did the time go? I can't believe I am already 9dp5dt!  On one hand the beta test on Monday seems like it is forever away, and the transfer on November 4 was ages ago, but on the other hand, time flies!  I have been busy with my own business and with trying to have as much time with DS as possible.  I have been creating various excuses so I don't have to play squash with my friend or go to a yoga class with my sis, until I know...

I don't know how I feel or what I feel about this PUPO situation and the outcomes. I try not to think about it, but thoughts come to my head - sometimes happy thoughts, about BFP, both embies implanting, exciting announcements etc.  sometimes I think we are going to have just one, and the other times the negative side takes over - what if it doesn't work?  what's next? we can barely have the ends meet financial, as my business is just getting off the ground, I had a busy October and November, but I have no new deals for December (and nothing for after new years).  It is scary... Are we going to go back to IUIs? I don't know and this is why I am trying not to think about.  Although both DH and I are more relaxed this time around. We really really want another baby, but since we already have DS it seems like we will be pregnant again, when the time is right....

I should probably go back to the date of the transfer, Monday, November 4. I was a bit frustrated with my clinic as I received an email earlier the week before that told me that someone will call me on Saturday with the time of the transfer.  I also had a few questions that I emailed on Thursday and no one got back to me. After I spent Saturday being glued to the phone, I sent an email directly to my RE and advised him of my frustrations. The head nurse (who was my nurse 2 years ago) replied promptly, answered my questions and told me that the scheduling nurse will be calling me on Sunday.  The scheduling nurse actually emailed me in the morning, and said that she tried calling but couldn't reach me (which I think is a total BS, but whatever) so she wanted to call on Sunday morning. Well the long story short, the transfer was schedule for 11:45 and I was due at the clinic at 10:45 to get my shot. I was a bit relieved as that meant that we don't have to get anybody involved in driving DS to daycare.  The only little problem was that I had to do a few things at the office and was planning to do it on Sunday night, but DH convinced me to go in before leaving for the clinic, so after having breakfast and dropping DS at daycare we headed to the office to take care of some last minute things.

The drive was uneventful, and not as bad as I was anticipating. We did hit some traffic, but DH turned on some little street and GPS took us through a different part of the City using residential streets, we circled around a bit to find parking, but we were getting out of the elevator on my clinic's floor at exactly 10:45 a.m.  After checking in, I went straight to the washroom to pee so I can start my drinking for the full bladder. I KNOW my body, I KNOW I cannot start drinking before 1 hour and I cannot drink more than 500 ml bottle, as I will be in a lot of pain thereafter. So, I settled in with my water bottle waiting for us to be called in. The nurse quickly explained to DH how to give the shot (just a refresher course) and gave me my PIO injection. The nurse also went through the DON'Ts after the procedure, with one of them being "no heavy lifting".  I asked her if that means I cannot lift DS who is close to 14 kg now, but she said that I can continue taking care of him and lifting him as most of the precautions are after fresh transfers as they are afraid of the ovaries that were stimulated not to twist. I later spoke with my efriends and was quickly assured that some of the ones who did get their BFPs and are pregnant now, had to take care of their little ones and carry/lift them. After talking to the nurse, we paid for the meds and asked if we need to pay for the procedure right away, but were told that the accountant was not in and there was no invoice. Perfect! With paying a few days later, the charge would not be on November bill.

We then went upstairs to the clinic which our RE uses for procedures and where our snowbabies have been having a nap for the last 2 years. We didn't wait too long at the reception, and were quickly ushered inside, where we both had to change into gowns. And then the long wait began.... I was seating in a comfy chair with my legs up, but I was getting uncomfortable as my bladder was full and was letting me know.  Our "neighbours" asked the nurse about what is going on, and she said that the RE is still doing retrievals.  I don't know how long we sat there. I started to read, but was falling asleep, so just decided to mediate and doze off a bit.  DH was watching funny videos on his iphone and tried very hard not to laugh out loud.  He was turning all red, and I told him that the sight of him makes me laugh, which I cannot do as my bladder was about to explode. He showed me the video and it wasn't THAT funny! Finally our "neighbours" were taken in and I was waiting impatiently for their procedure to finish.  Something didn't go as planned as it took longer than it was supposed to and RE actually came up to them after they returned to talk to them. I wasn't eavesdropping so I don't know what happened with them, I was just happy that it was finally our turn!

The nurse came to get us and we walked into the operating room which was just across from the little "cubicle" we were occupying. The first thing that RE said is that our 5 day blast thawed beautifully and when they checked this morning it was already growing and multiplying. The second embie was apparently a day 6 freeze, so they only defrosted it this morning.  He also said that is thawed beautifully, but he didn't know how it was doing as they only thawed it this morning and didn't want to bother it before transfer.  I was a bit upset as I kind of knew that one was of a lower grading, but I didn't remember that it was frozen a day later.

[As an aside, I checked the embryology report that was prepared after our fresh IVF transfer in April 2011.  At that time we transferred 4AA and 4AAh - supposedly the highest level at our lab, and nothing came out of it, there were 3 that were frozen at day 5: 2AA, 3AA and 3ABh, and one 3AAh was frozen on day 6.  I am assuming that during our FET in 2011 we transferred 3AA and 3ABh, and one of those resulted in our DS. I know for sure that this time around they transferred the day 6 on which was 3AAh on day 6 and morula on day 5, and if I assume that they transferred the best in 2011, it means that the only one remaining is 2AA. So on November 4, 2013, we transferred a 2AA and 3AAh.]

But back to the operating room.  The u/s tech checked my bladder and it was full. My RE asked if I was uncomfortable and whether I wanted to pee out a cup, to which I agreed and quickly retreated to the washroom, and boy was I glad I did it!!! I got back on the table, RE found the right size of the instrument to insert, which was cold as they had to pull it out of somewhere and it wasn't in the warmer (I didn't know they put instruments in the warmer before the procedure). Anyways, our names were called a few times to confirm the embies were ours and the process began.  I was still, trying not to breath so as not to botch the transfer. As I had a very shallow breathing and sometimes was just holding my breath, I thought that I was going to pass out. I was watching the monitor and it seemed that the time was just standing still.  The RE said "Perfect" retrieved all his instruments and I could take my first deep breath in what seemed like half an hour (I am thinking it was about 10-15 minutes).  My happiness was short lived as the lab confirmed that my little embies were still in the catheter. Ughh..... I was petrified. My RE was upset.  Apparently the transfer was perfect and my uterus did exactly what it was supposed to do, it swallowed the bubbles that were supposed to contain embies and pushed it to the very top of the uterus, which we could all see on the u/s screen.  But my little munchkins skipped the bubbles and stayed behind, while the bubbles traveled into my uterus. (Don't ask me how it works, as I don't really understand). The RE said that it doesn't mean anything that they stayed behind, it is neither good nor bad, and I was satisfied with this information.  So the lab put the little embies back in the bubbles, the RE had to reinsert and set all the instruments again, and we started the process AGAIN.  I told the RE that it was a practice run and that he will do even better the second time around.  I again had a very shallow breathing and was holding my breath some of the times. The process again seems to take forever. I was so tense that my legs started shaking. Luckily my leg happened to be under the u/s tech's arm and she was holding it steady.  In addition, the warmth of her arms was having a good effect on me.  I guess I was getting cold two with my legs and private parts exposed for half an hour or more.  This time when the procedure was done, the RE kept everything in place until the lab confirmed that the catheter was empty and the embies were safely home.  The RE was happy with the second transfer as he placed the bubbles 2 cm from the top of the uterus (I think that's what he said) and the uterus once again swallowed it and pushed it to the top, so all bubbles united :).  Considering that I had to go through TWO transfers, I was extremely happy that I went to pee at the beginning when suggested by the RE.

The RE said that since the embies were high in my uterus it is ok to sit down and resume my activities.  I went back to my chair and stayed there for another 10 minutes. First, because I wanted to give my embies a bit better chance to settle in before disturbing them, and thereafter, because the washroom continued to be occupied by the other girls.

After the procedure we headed back home.  The last time after the transfer I was stretched out on the back seat trying to stay horizontal for as long as possible.  This time around that didn't work as we have a car seat there, so I just reclined to a maximum at the passenger seat.  We stopped and picked up some yummy food, and devoured it when we got home. My plan was to stay in bed/on the couch for the entire day.  I took all my files with me to bed, including the phone, but since I have my own business, I had to deal with a few emergency, which meant that I had to sit behind my computer. When DH picked up DS from daycare, I wanted to spend time with him, so I spent the evening laying on the floor with DH and DS playing around me :)  after DS went to bed, we watched some TV and headed off to bed.

The next morning, DH showed the mastery of his skills as my nurse :)  The shot went without a hitch, but we discovered that the shot done by my nurse on the morning of transfer resulted in a big bruise :(  I did read in my old instructions (from 2 years ago) to use heating pad throughout the day on the site of injection. We don't have a microwave at our house (long story), so I took the heating pad to the office and started using it there.

As I said before the time just flew by and stood still at the same time.  I had absolutely no symptoms for the first 5-6 days. I would forget that I was PUPO (and still do sometimes).  As the time passed after transfer I stared picking up DS more and more, and get a bit more relaxed about all the restrictions, until what happened on Saturday.

We were going to a birthday party to my SIL's parents. It was three of us, my SIL, BIL, their two kids and my MIL.  We all got into an elevator with another elderly lady. The door closed, we pushed our respective floors, and.... nothing happened.  We were stuck! All 9 of us in a tiny elevator.  BIL had two folding chairs with him, so we had MIL and another elderly lady take a seat, which decreased the floor space even more.  DS being the smallest one started to get frustrated.  DH took him in his arms, but he wanted to have his mommy. So I took him, and held him for 20-30 minutes. There was nothing else I could do as he was screaming. It was very hot too. I took off DS' jacket and then mine, but when firefighters could finally get us out, all of us had red faces. My concern was that it is not good for the embies - being in such a hot environment. I just hope (and I convinced myself) that it didn't do any harm to my embies.  The rest of the evening was uneventfull, except that I started experiencing sharp pains at the bottom of my stomach.

I've had those sharm pains on and off pretty much every day since then.  I used to have those pains last time when I was pregnant, but it was waaaay later in the pregnancy.  I am thinking that it might be my ovaries getting overly excited with all the hormones I am taking..... or the embies growing insider.... I don't know..... 5 more days to beta.....
 

FET # 2.1 the countdown has begun!!!

I don't know why I just put three exclamation points in the heading. I am not that excited about this FET. I guess I was so emotionally involved with the one that was cancelled that when it was cancelled, there were no emotions left.  It is actually double hard this time as I got a bit busy with my own business, I don't have any time to relax in the evenings as everyone wants something from me ASAP, so I work (or pretend to work, when I am too tired). Plus I am trying to spend every waking moment with my LO, which is also hard as I have had evening and weekend client meeting and worked late most nights this week.

In addition, I didn't expect it to be so soon. I had the surgery on the 4th and AF was not supposed to start until 4-6 weeks later, so I wasn't paying much attention and then one day BUM and I got my period, late on Monday, October 21, 2013, it had been just a bit over 2 weeks from the surgery and the entire cycle was only 25 days!  So I called in my Day 1 and was at a clinic bright and early on Wednesday, October 23.  Everything looked good and I started estrace - 2 blue pills twice a day.  I still have the  same struggles with having those pills stay put (I even had one fall out as I was bending to put another one. Ugh.

Well, when I talked to the nurse on October 23, she wanted to bring me in on October 31 (Day 11), but since the whole fiasco with the last FET I asked if she can bring me earlier, and she did. So after taking estrace for roughly a week, I was back in the clinic on Wednesday, October 30.  For some reason I was very nervous and was fidgeting waiting to speak with the nurse.  Luckily everything was fine.  My lining was at 0.9 cm the thinnest it has ever been, and the ovaries are quiet and that's what they like to see.  I started prometrium today and the transfer is going to be on Monday November 4!!!

It is happening soon, and I have such mixed feeling about it.  Trying to see if it is worst then when I didn't know that BFP is possible and real. I have this conviction that FET worked for me and it is going to work this time as well. But..... there are always "what ifs".  What if the embryos don't survive the thaw, what if we will not get pregnant..... Would be go for more testing and possibly back to IUIs as we cannot afford an IVF with my business just starting and DH's business not doing all that great and with the LO in daycare. Ugh.... I do try to push those thoughts aside, but they come to me when I have a few moments to be one-on-one with my thoughts.  How can I stay positive?  It's hard but I should. But then, if it is meant to be, it is going to be notwithstanding my thoughts.

Anyways, going to relax a bit for the first time this week.  It has been raining all day, and I had a late client meeting so didn't see my LO in the costume.  By the time I got home DH & LO already finished their trick or treating venture which lasted a whole of 15 min as the rain got much worse with strong winds.  LO and I just stayed home where we were giving out candies to the brave children who ventured outdoors. It's was raining on Halloween last year too.  Hopefully next year we can go trick or treating with our more than one child :)

Hysteroscopy... and more waiting

Sooo, I had my hysteroscopy on Friday (October 4). I just refer to it as surgery as it was a surgery with all bells and whistles. I was scared... not of the surgery itself, but of being put under general anesthetics. I have never been totally out for an operation before (well, actually I was but I was 3 or 4 years old, so I don't remember). I couldn't comprehend how I can be aware of everything one minute and then be asleep the next and then wake up.... scary.... as I do have certain phobias which are not the topic of this post.

The day before the surgery, I called the hospital to get the time for the surgery, and was told to arrive by 10 a.m. I was a bit nervous as that hospital is located across the city and we had to take the highway which at that time is almost always at a standstill. In the morning after sending DS to daycare (with lots of kisses and hugs from mommy) we checked Dr. Google which said that the trip would take 37 min in current traffic. I was thinking: "No Way! More like an hour and 37 min" We left just before 9 a.m. and headed South. Surprise, surpirse, the trip actually did take 37 min, well probably close to 40 min but still not bad.

There were no people in the registration area and we got registered pretty quickly.  I did not have anything to eat since the night before and nothing to drink since we left the house (or even just before that).  I also had to take a drug (vaginally) that helped my uterus to open up so the doctor can take a look.  That drug caused some cramping and light bleeding but nothing stronger than regular menstrual cramps, so I was somewhat ok. We were told to go upstairs and wait in the surgery waiting room, and so we did with tons of other people, for over an hour (or closer to 1.5 hours) until I was taken by a nurse.  She gave me gowns to change, took my blood pressure and went over some questions. Then the fun started.  She said that she needed to take my blood, and I told her that my veins are not the best, plus I have not had any food or water in a while which makes the situation even worse. She was touching both of my arms and decided to proceed with my left arm. I wasn't looking what she was doing but she did not get any blood.  I told her that usually if the arms don't work I get blood taken from my hand with a butterfly needle. She liked the veins on my hands but said that there are no butterfly needles on this floor. For some reason, she put in a small tube for IV in my hand and that didn't work for an IV, but she used the same hole to take blood. She suggested that I get an IV in the OR and we parted ways. I went back into the hallway to meet DH.

We didn't wait long until me and some other patients were called by another nurse who was escorting us to the surgery. We past a waiting room, and the nurse said that in that waiting room our significant others would be waiting for us after the surgery and that after the surgery is completed, the patient is going to be wheeled pass that waiting room so that significant other can follow into the recovery room. So we continued going and came into the third waiting room. Oei.....

I was bored out of my mind, but what was upsetting are the little children that were also waiting for their surgeries. There was this girl who was about 3 years old as she had her paci, and she continued to cry that she was hungry and wanted to eat, and her mommy and daddy tried to explain to her that she needed an empty stomach for the doctor to do the surgery.  I had tears in my eyes. I was just hoping that they would take her soon so she would stop suffering. Other kids were a bit older and understood everything, but she was too young to understand. I kept thinking about DS and how I wouldn't be able to explain that to him either and that made me even more sad...

I wasn't taken until about 12:40 p.m.  The nurse that took me told DH that he can grab something to eat for 20 min and wait in another waiting room (which was wrong, as the doctor was supposed to come out to that waiting room, and since he was in another waiting room, he didn't talk to the doctor and neither did I since she was in another surgery when I woke up).  I was very nervous. When the put wires on me, I could hear my fast heartbeat.  The room was very bright and for some reason it did have a bit of a calming effect.  The anesthesiologist actually was from former USSR and also spoke Russian :) He had no problem putting the IV into my hand. I told him that I was very scared and he said that he is going to give me something to make me drowsy.  I remember him, the doctor and the nurse joking about him putting vodka in my IV and him saying that even though it is believed that Russians are great drinkers people in some other European countries can hold their liquor even better. All I remember laughing at that joke and turning my head to look at the nurse who was holding my mask to tell her that I am feeling a bit drowsy, and I was out. The next thing I remember is opening my eyes and seeing a nurse. I told her that she had three eyes as I had double vision. She put something warm on me and I felt back asleep. When I woke up next I was more alert. The same nurse asked me if she had three eyes :) I looked at the clock and it was around 2 p.m. in another 30 min I was wheeled into recovery room with DH. We were lucky as we got a private room (which they only have one or two).  We only stayed there until about 3 - 3:30 p.m. as I had no difficulty drinking and holding in an entire glass of water and going to the washroom thereafter.  I was feeling a bit groggy but otherwise not much pain.

We did have a company over that evening, and had to go to a birthday party on Saturday, so I didn't get much rest. When Monday came, I got very busy at the office (surprisingly things picked up a bit in my practice - knock on wood). So I had no time to rest.  I did call the office of my surgeon and the nurse said that she is in surgeries all days until Thursday.  I asked if she can check in my file what happened during the surgery, and she told me that yes, a polyp was removed.  So at least this whole ordeal was worth it.

Last night I emailed my RE to find out if he wants to change anything with my protocol for FET. I told him that it is not urgent and he didn't reply as of yet.  I have had light bleeding and it only is starting to die down now.  I went to a swimming class with DS so used a tampon just in case.

So now I am just waiting.... waiting for the bleeding to stop completely.... waiting to talk to the surgeon.... waiting for an email from my RE.... waiting for AF to start and waiting to call in my Day 1 to get FET#2.1 on the road.

FET #2 - biopsy, lining check, CANCELLED!

I had my biopsy on September 12th.  I got an email from the clinic saying that I should have a full bladder, but being miss "know it all", I decided that I am not going to have a full bladder (just drank half of what I would drink for a full bladder) as I didn't want to be uncomfortable for the biopsy as it was painful enough last time. Well... surprise, surprise... there was a reason for a full bladder as now they are doing u/s guided biopsy... Oops.  The tech decided that my bladder was filled enough and decided to proceed with what she had.  I don't know about others, but the prep part for me hurts much more than the actual biopsy. As last time, it was very painful and I was all sweating from pain (it only lasted like 5 minutes, but it felt much longer). And that was with me taking 2 advils an hour before the biopsy. By the time the doc was doing the scraping part, I didn't feel any pain. I am thinking that my uterus is positioned weirdly somehow as most doctors and nurses have trouble putting a catheter in. I should ask my RE if that can contribute to our IF.  Just a thought.... 

 She said that I may have a bit of bleeding and cramping, but I actually am bleeding like 2nd day of AF. I could only go through this the second time around, as I know that it helped and will help me get my little miracles settled in.

My lining check was on September 18th.  Why can't I be like a normal person?  My lining was 1.6 cm.  The nurse said that they want to see it at least 0.8 cm and this is double. She sounded pleased, but I told her that it might be too thick.   I remember after the failed IVF cycle, my RE said that one of the reasons it failed might have been thick lining.  Last time one day earlier my lining was at 1.1 cm (I don't think it could have grown half a cm in a day, so I think it was much thinner during last FET cycle).  She checked my thick file and at the time of trigger for unsuccessful IVF my lining was 1.3 cm.  She didn't know if my RE had a maximum size of lining (I guess it has never come up!!!) So I told her to talk to my RE and if he has any doubts about this cycle, I would rather cancel and start from the beginning. Ugh....  Later that day got an email and talked to my nurse.  The situation was even worse than I expected.  They also suspect that I have a polyp in uterus and are referring me for a hysteroscopy. I am to take 1 estrace pill orally and 2 progesterone pills orally a day for the next 10 days to bring in AF.  I am feeling very weird thinking about where I put those drugs before and now putting them in my mouth.  


The end result, until I am done with hysteroscopy I cannot call in my day 1.  Oh well.... as I say myself - whatever happens, happens for a reason.

I was lucky enough that I got in to see a OBGYN surgeon this week Tuesday (September 24th). Although her office is on the other end of the City, she turned out to be a very nice lady. She managed to get me a surgery date for October 4th, and since the perfect timing for hysteroscopy is best done just AFTER a period she told me to stop all my meds early. I have been heavily spotting anyways and just waiting for the full flow. Good news is that earlier today I got the full flow, so with hysteroscopy completed, I can start the next FET procedure with my next AF. Hoping not to jinx myself by saying that.  I guess I'll update more after the surgery.  My only fear is going under general anesthetics.  I haven't been fully out for a surgery before (well, I have been but I was like 3 or 4 years old so I don't remember), and all other procedures were done with conscious sedation.

FET # 2 - Day 3

It's been a busy weekend, and I didn't even get a chance to get to a computer. So here is a rundown of what happened with our FET #2.

AF was supposed to be on Friday (September 6), but it actually started on Saturday (September 7). I was a bit pissed that it was delayed, but it actually turned out for the best.  I just checked and my FET #1 also started on the 6th day of the month (June 6). When I was completely sure that it was actually AF and not just spotting, I confirmed with DH that we ARE proceeding and thereafter called in my Day 1 (while DS was taking a nap).  Well... it didn't all sink in, until on Sunday morning DH showed me a missed call on his cell phone which was from the clinic and a voice mail message advising me to come in for Day 3 b/w and u/s.

Day 3 was this morning.  I got up extra early to travel Downtown to the clinic. As I work for myself now, I am used to getting DS ready in the morning and after having breakfast with DH getting to the office.  My office is in DH's office as I decided that I am not productive at home, but we usually take two cars as I leave a bit earlier to pick up DS from daycare.  Anyways, this morning I kissed the monitor as I  was leaving as DS was still sound asleep.  I don't like it when I don't see him in the morning, but it is all for a good cause (I keep telling this to myself to quiet down my self-guilt).

It was a bit weird to be back in the clinic, to be waiting for b/w, u/s and then to talk to the nurse.  I can't describe the feeling. It is like nothing has changed and I am transported back two years ago, when there was no hope in sight.  And then I glance at my cell phone and see a photo of DS that was taken just a few days ago.  His amazing smile and big blue eyes, and I remind myself that it is so worth it.  We are trying to give DS the best gift that we can give him (beside our unconditional love), a sibling.

The b/w and u/s went without a hitch.  Then when I got to see the nurse, the clinic was so busy that there was not a spare office, so we briefly talked in the little changing room. To tell you the truth, I didn't mind. She told me that my u/s looked good, told me to buy drugs, and that she will get in touch with me with scheduled biopsy and lining check.

She just did. I got an email from her -  everything looks good, so I am ready to proceed. And 2 little pills are already in me. :)  Biopsy is this week on the 12th and the lining check is on the 18th.  I am dreading the biopsy as last time it was not a fun experience (you can read about it here), but I also contribute our success in part to a biopsy so I have to just do it.

I am BACK

I am back on the roller coaster of this TTC world.  Can't say I missed it...

We had our "initial" consultation on the 21st. It was short and sweet. We waited for the RE for some time, when he came in he watched the video and some pics of DS and signed the protocol for our FET (exactly the same as I had last time).  Then we waited some more and our new nurse came in (unfortunately for me the nurse that I had last time got promoted and is overseeing all the nurses, so she is not dealing directly with patients). It turned out that I had to do an u/s and SHG.  With some convincing of the nurse, I managed to squeeze it in during this cycle so we can start FET with my next cycle in September.  They prefer to have it done in the first 10 days after AF, and I was on day 14.  I told her that there is no chance I can be pregnant since we didn't BD this month. Makes sense, right? Anyways, u/s was scheduled for this Tuesday and SHG for this Wednesday.  Both were done and over with very quickly - that's why I love my clinic, when it comes to procedures they are usually on time!  The end result - I am cleared to proceed!!! YEI!!!

I have very weird feeling about this whole TTC journey.  I really do want to have a baby, but I so don't want to get on this roller coaster again. Ugh!!!! Why can't it be easy, ooops I am pregnant. Not in this world and not for me.... I am so so so grateful for DS. He is my love, my life and my everything.  He is worth every tear and pain that I went through in 5 years prior to his birth. I have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it. I am getting lots of questions in my mind, lots of "what ifs".  What if FET doesn't work, what next?  We are in a very shitty financial situation right now and would be borrowing money to pay for FET, but that's going to be between $2,500 to $3,000 with meds.  We are looking at completely different numbers if we have to do IVF.  I feel sad when I know that DS would like something and we cannot buy it for him cause it is not essential.  Don't get me wrong, we don't save on him.  He goes to day care full time, and he loves it!!! We take him to different places every weekend. I signed him up for baby gymnastics (cause his teacher at day care said he really enjoys it) and swimming. That's on our time, plus he has baby yoga and music at day care that we pay a bit extra for. I am just also afraid how with the new baby, DS is not going to be the centre of our universe. Or can the universe have two centres? But that's getting ahead of myself.

My main worry right now is that the clinic will fail to deliver.  I had left with a good feeling 2 years ago, but things do change with time.  There are many new faces, and I am just worried that something is going to go wrong.  I am usually such an optimist, but not when it comes to IF world.  I guess only time will tell...

So now, just waiting to call in my Day 1, estimated September 6 or in about a week.  Stay tuned...

TTC # 2

I haven't been on here much lately, but I do religiously check the blogs I follow. It is interesting how the lives of people I follow change and a lot of them just stop writing. I know it's hard with a little one (or two - in most cases) at home to find time to sit and document everything. I have been meaning to update our family blog too since the beginning of the summer but that dragged on as well and we are now in August and I don't have a single post since June 1st.

August brings with it our "initial" appointment with RE on August 21. I did send in a referral at the beginning of the summer. I have mixed feelings about this appointment.  We have not been protecting since DS was 6 months (September 2012). I have used ovulation tests, but after DS was born I know exactly when I am ovulating as I feel period like cramps and am bloated. We do try to BD around those days, but no natural miracle so far and I doubt it is going to happen.

The pain and disappointment of the 5 years before DS was born is still with me, and I so don't want to live through that nightmare again. Moreover, now I cannot just think about myself, I have to think about DS, he needs his mommy, full of energy, mommy who can run with him and play games, and provide for him. I am dreading stepping on that IF roller-coaster once again, but don't see any other alternative. We really want a sibling for DS, I really want to feel another baby developing inside me, to feel this form of love that only parents can feel towards their children, to breastfeed again...  So notwithstanding anything, we are starting this crazy journey again with hopes that if we can just recreate the last FET, it would not be a long one, but who knows what awaits us ahead.

13 months and Update!

I can't believe that my baby is 13 months old already. The time surely flies. What have we been up to? Well, I returned back to work at the beginning of January (when LO was only 9.5 months old).  I've been working long hours and weekends since 1998, and I didn't expect having such a hard time adjusting back to work after 10 month break.  It was hard and emotionally exhausting.  I talked to my boss to cut my hours, and we both agreed that it would not work; however, he allowed me to continue working until the end of March at reduced hours (reduced hours for me where 7:30a.m. to 5 p.m.). The transition of my work to the new guy dragged into April, but I am happy to say that last week I finally was able to stay home, and spent time on my computer looking for work.

The LO is doing amazing. He is in home daycare and loves it. At 13 months he has 9 teeth, he walks, crawls, points his finger at objects, plays with the sorter taking shapes out and putting them back in (although not in the right way). He is the only reason I survived at my work. When I am in a bad mood I look at the photo of him on my phone smiling his infectious smile with big blue eyes, and everything else is not important anymore.

DH & I really want another baby. We haven't used protection since the LO was about 6 months. We sort of do timed BD, but I do not do ovulation tests nor temps.  I am scarring myself some times.  I find myself thinking the some way I did when we just started TTC for our 1st one.  Thinking about the timing etc. The good thing is that I am not freaking out (yet).  I am sort of unemployed at the moment, if I get pregnant it would be hard to find a job and/or qualify for maternity benefits.  So I have a plan. The moment I get a job, I am contacting my RE's office for an appointment.

I do think about our 2 remaining embryos, especially when I look at my son and think that not that long ago he was a frozen embryo.  It's hard to comprehend and it's mind boggling!!! I hope and pray that when the time is right, we will transfer our 2 remaining embryos and have 2 beautiful babies. I feel sad thinking about those two being stored in a lab downtown, far away from home.

Now back to my persona.  After LO was born (well about a week after I returned home), I lost all the pregnancy weight and then some. I've been very active while staying at home with him. Going out for 1.5 -2 hour walks ( 5-7km) in any weather, breastfeeding and eating pretty much everything. I've lost a bit more weight and was very happy.  My happiness was short lived as after going back to work, I had absolutely no energy, was constantly exhausted and unhappy, I continued to eat the way I was eating while breastfeeding (I mourned breastfeeding, as I really loved it, it was a struggle at the beginning but ended up being the greatest thing) but my activity level was pretty much 0.  So surprise, surprise I gained everything back to my pre-pregnancy weight :(  So I am starting once again to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine plus really trying to watch what I am eating. We will see how that goes.

I have bee neglecting this blog and the private blog that we created for our friends and family. Although, I think I will be back here when we start actually trying for our 2nd baby and once all the tests and procedures start again.  However, I am still following and reading everyone's blogs, even if I am not commenting much (or hardly at all).