Photo Synthesis

Yes I know, it's usually one word. However, this spelling variation is the title of my latest project on tumblr! I will attempt (for the umpteenth time) to create a daily journal of pictures so that on 1/12/12 I can look back and say, "man, look how fun/crazy/stressful/boring/wonderful 2011 was!"

If you want to follow my progress that's fine, but it's a private blog so send me a message on Facebook & I'll forward you the password. Don't worry, it's fairly easy to remember...

Drama, Drama, Drama

Drama. When does anyone grow tired of having it in their life? I lost interest around the time I turned 18. But somehow it insists on following me around like a yappy little dog circling my ankles. And like a yappy little dog, no matter how hard I may try to avoid it, sometimes I trip over it and sometimes it bites me. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to lose it for a while, but eventually it finds me again and I'm forced to keep my eyes down instead of up where they should be so I don't trip or get bitten again. Because for some reason, kicking it away from me doesn't help. It only comes back angrier and more apt to hurt me in a debilitating way.

I've said it before but I'll say it again. I'm not perfect. I have many flaws. But I'm not the devil, I'm not the worst person in the world; not even close to it. But for a reason I can't figure out, there are a group of people who would have anyone who hangs around them long enough to believe that I am indeed, EVIL. I don't know what I did to any of them, but I wish they'd leave me alone. More than that, I wish they'd leave my husband out of their plots to tear me down. He loves me for who I am, just as I am. He doesn't love me despite my flaws, he loves me BECAUSE of my flaws. He doesn't want to hear from bitter women how terrible, psychotic, insecure and unhappy I am (yes, those are direct quotes). It's not that he wants to turn a blind eye to my imperfections, it's that he is the one person who has seen me from every aspect and knows who I really am. To quote Avatar "he SEES ME". These people who have nothing but venomous words to spit at me are freaking LUCKY he controls himself, because you can bet they'd be left speechless and crying after he got finished with them. I am so blessed to have not only a loving, protective husband. But to have so many loving friends who have stood by me despite my weaknesses and despite what anyone tells them about me. Because in the end, only my true friends know what kind of a person I really am.

I'm Back?

I'm going to rant. I haven't done that in a while, at least not in the open where anyone could see it. Russ hears me rant though; quite often, but now I'm putting it out there for anyone to take offense to if they wish.

The direction women are headed grieves me. Literally. I feel ashamed of our sex and wonder what happened to the art of being a woman. Women, ALL women use to have this innate talent when it came to homemaking. It didn't matter whether a woman chose to work or stay home with her children, every woman was in touch with her feminine side. Now when I say feminine side, I'm not necessarily referring to the girly habits, I'm talking about what makes a woman a woman... the traits associated with mothers, sewing, cooking, nurturing, listening, encouraging, strengthening etc. Women these days think that because they cry during chick flicks, get their nails done every other week and have a boyfriend that that makes them feminine. It doesn't. It makes them GIRLY. Now there's nothing wrong with being girly, but let's call it what it is shall we? I'm by no means girly, but I'd say I'm pretty feminine. I'm no 50's housewife, but I do my best to keep my home running smoothly, cook decent meals for my husband and sew his pants whenever they rip. I also prefer to watch action movies, go shooting and go days without wearing any makeup.

Blah. I'm tired and this rant is going in circles. Short story... women are forgetting their roles as daughters of God and focusing more on following trends, even though that leaves them pretty disabled and useless to their menfolk. But hey, if a woman would rather worry about the next episode of Gossip Girl instead of honing their life/family skills that's her perogative right?

Random

It's been forever and a day since I last posted on this blog, probably because my life pretty much surrounds Russ and I've not much to say about myself these days.

Meghan, you inspired me to post about non-usual stuff in a random fashion, so here it goes.

- After sucking on nitrous for an hour or so and taking prescribed hyrdocodone, I don't get what the big deal is about being "high". While I was lightheaded on nitrous, I didn't feel my inhibitions were lowered and I didn't feel funny. I felt exactly like my usual self but slightly slower in the thought process area of my brain. Being on hydrocodone made me feel nauseated and sleepy when I didn't have anything in my stomach. The withdrawls gave me a headache. Definitely not worth it...

- I hate to admit it, but I am a pack rat when it comes to magazines and clothes. But I'm getting better about letting go... though every time I think about giving up an article of clothing I hear Boyz II Men singing "it's so hard, to say goodbye, to yesterday" inside my head.

- Speaking of clothes, I miss being able to buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted no matter how impracticle the item.

- Every day I spend with Russ I love him more and more. But there are days when we get on each others nerves so bad, we end up literally wrestling and finding new ways to annoy each other. Then we laugh long and hard and end up kissing and making up.

- There's a part of me that went missing a couple of months ago, I'm trying to get it back, but I'm wondering if I really want to.

- Have I ever mentioned that I am dissatisfied with the size of my boobs? Yeah, I don't like them. I realize women pay top $$ to have my size, but I didn't ask for them, so I feel like I have a right to complain a little. Granted, I don't want to lose them altogether... but I'm kinda hoping they'll go down a size if I lose weight. Of course Russ isn't complaining at all about them.

- I'm le tired.

Family Ties

I've recently allowed myself to reach out to family members I haven't heard from in years... boy, that's a trip. It's funny when you think you've become de-sensitized to hearing about the drama in their lives, but hearing about it through a 3rd party & actually being told by the sufferer are two completely different reactions. I'm sad to have cheated myself out of being a part of their lives for so long, but who knows whether or not it was for the best (in regards to my sanity). I don't know if it's because I've gotten older or whether it's because Russ is my emotional kryptonite, but I've been very compassionate towards loved ones. Whereas before I had a wall around my heart where they were concerned. I think it's a combination of growing up & being with Russ, but I think it's also because I'm at the point in my life where I am starting to understand the word family. Eventually I'm going to have my very own little family & I want them to have the best of everything, the best nutrition, the best examples, a safe environment etc. But I also want them to understand where their mother comes from, what experiences I've had that have caused me to become who I am. I don't want them to judge others for mistakes they've made or turn up their noses at people who are different than them. I think the only way for them to really experience & appreciate what's going on around them is to be included in maybe the not so ideal of circumstances. My family swears, drinks, smokes (both kinds), listens to inappropriate music is tattooed & look all around rough. But they're respectful, non-judgmental, quick to laugh, they love deeply & most importantly... they're fighters. I want my children to be a part of that, in addition to understanding the gospel plan & their duty to God. They need to know that it's okay to be a little imperfect as long as you are always striving to be worthy of perfection, but that there's a difference between weakening your spirit intentionally (through vice) & strenghtening your testimony (through righteous living). They won't be able to really comprehend what making choices contrary to the Lord's commandments will do to your life until they've seen it first hand, & I don't know about you, but I would rather they see it in a safer environment like a family gathering than a ride along with dad. This life is full of trials & they'll need that determination & strength to endure temptations & any hard times they'll face.