So I have an aunt with twins who are about 10 weeks old... ish. I tended them one time. It worked out well because Mikenna held one and I held the other. The problem of sharing arose when Savannah came home from school. I quickly realized I will have very little face time with "baby sister" in the house.
A few Sundays ago, Mikenna had one twin and I had the other at my moms and I made the comment that I spose I needed two babies because one wouldn't be enough for sharing. Well after I voiced this observation, Mikenna quickly said, "Mommy, we have two babies, baby sister and baby Daxton."
Oh my sweet little angel. (All of them)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Nesting + Insomnia
Not such a good combination.... well maybe. And lucky for me, I seem to be suffering from both. It will likely catch up to me though, going to bed at 2am and rising in the morning with the girls. Again, lucky for me, we have gates up (a whole other post) to keep my Savannah safe and the girls will just play until we wake up, well sort of.
Anyhow. I seriously suffer from MAJOR insomnia when I am not pregnant, which makes for a good combo because I work nights and sleep during the day and need very little sleep compared to most to function. Nesting? Well I am not really sure what defines it, because I always feel like I need to scrub the bugs and germs (the nurse in me) out of my house and well being pregnant is no different.
EXCEPT. I have been going where I haven't been for a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time. You know "the drawer(s)" or the "closet" or the "room" or the "cabinet" that you tuck stuff away in so people think your house isn't cluttered, but really you are just REALLY good at hiding all the junk that comes your way by banishing it to these unscene places? I have been going there. OH my goodness. Sorting through mounds of toys, loads of garbage bags, scrubbing places in my house I didn't even know existed, rearranging furniture and so many other things I shouldn't be doing.... all at 1am in the morning.
But hey that is when it is quiet! One might think, why don't you sit and read a book or watch TV? Oh sister friend, wouldn't I love to be free of this neurosis I have with a clean and organized house. Too bad so sad, it is in the blood. I have been through the living room (VERY EASY), the kitchen, well the pantry looks like crap but that is a whole other week project, and I do have one more cupboard to go through, but seriously? It is like the devil in there. SO MUCH CRAP!!! Been through the family room, put up all the decor mom bought me for Christmas (THANKS MOM), and well now I just have like 10 rooms left!!! Will keep yall posted on the success of said cleansing.
Typically I have a house cleaner, yes it is a luxury I enjoy. I will give up just about anything for her. She doesn't come super often, but often enough I just have to wipe stuff down and lightly sweep before she comes again. But no one cleans your house like you do.... and seriously? My middle name is side track. Queen of walking into a room with every intention of doing one thing and totally completing another and another and another. Pretty soon I am out of time and forgot what I was trying to do in the first place. Which is why a house cleaner is SO nice. They don't get side tracked in your clutter. You pick it up before they come, they clean, and you make a mess of it when you get home :)
Alas, it is 1am in the morning and I should get some sleep. Although it is REALLY over rated in my book and I still have a little bit of energy to scrub bathrooms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I guess mounds of laundry and bathrooms are a good place to start. Sure wish I had a good book to read instead as an excuse to just lay around and grow a baby :) LOL. If you have any suggestions of good books, I am all ears.
Good night for now.
Anyhow. I seriously suffer from MAJOR insomnia when I am not pregnant, which makes for a good combo because I work nights and sleep during the day and need very little sleep compared to most to function. Nesting? Well I am not really sure what defines it, because I always feel like I need to scrub the bugs and germs (the nurse in me) out of my house and well being pregnant is no different.
EXCEPT. I have been going where I haven't been for a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time. You know "the drawer(s)" or the "closet" or the "room" or the "cabinet" that you tuck stuff away in so people think your house isn't cluttered, but really you are just REALLY good at hiding all the junk that comes your way by banishing it to these unscene places? I have been going there. OH my goodness. Sorting through mounds of toys, loads of garbage bags, scrubbing places in my house I didn't even know existed, rearranging furniture and so many other things I shouldn't be doing.... all at 1am in the morning.
But hey that is when it is quiet! One might think, why don't you sit and read a book or watch TV? Oh sister friend, wouldn't I love to be free of this neurosis I have with a clean and organized house. Too bad so sad, it is in the blood. I have been through the living room (VERY EASY), the kitchen, well the pantry looks like crap but that is a whole other week project, and I do have one more cupboard to go through, but seriously? It is like the devil in there. SO MUCH CRAP!!! Been through the family room, put up all the decor mom bought me for Christmas (THANKS MOM), and well now I just have like 10 rooms left!!! Will keep yall posted on the success of said cleansing.
Typically I have a house cleaner, yes it is a luxury I enjoy. I will give up just about anything for her. She doesn't come super often, but often enough I just have to wipe stuff down and lightly sweep before she comes again. But no one cleans your house like you do.... and seriously? My middle name is side track. Queen of walking into a room with every intention of doing one thing and totally completing another and another and another. Pretty soon I am out of time and forgot what I was trying to do in the first place. Which is why a house cleaner is SO nice. They don't get side tracked in your clutter. You pick it up before they come, they clean, and you make a mess of it when you get home :)
Alas, it is 1am in the morning and I should get some sleep. Although it is REALLY over rated in my book and I still have a little bit of energy to scrub bathrooms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I guess mounds of laundry and bathrooms are a good place to start. Sure wish I had a good book to read instead as an excuse to just lay around and grow a baby :) LOL. If you have any suggestions of good books, I am all ears.
Good night for now.
Friday, December 26, 2008
My letter to Daxton
Hi my little precious angel boy. This Christmas was just not the same without you. I put up the trees and had anticipated you pulling off all the ornaments or putting the lights in your mouth or unwrapping all the presents because you thought it was fun to play with paper or you running around with cookies and treats in your mouth and getting sticky hands. But alas, that was not the case.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up and began organizing my closets, drawers, moving furniture, and cleaning the house of all the clutter. In the midst of all that, I heard "Angel Eyes" the song Lyndy wrote and I walked out to see what was going on. Daddy had turned on the video of the pics he put together with the song. I sat down with the girls and began wiping the snot and tears with my sleeves. It was all I could do not to completely lose it when Mikenna looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "Mommy, I really want Daxton to come home." My reply, "Me too baby, me too."
I think it was emotional day for your big sister as well. They were watching Air Bud the puppy movie and I walked into the room and Mikenna was wiping her eyes when the boy was telling Air Bud to go away, because he didn't want him to go back to his mean owner. My heart hurt for her.
Later on, we went to the cemetery. They were able to get your bench done on the Monday before Christmas. It was all installed and everything. Your picture looks so great. I can really hardly stand to see it. It just seems so final. I can't really fathom that your little body is buried underneath all the dirt and granite. How sad it is. Oh so very sad. We spent a few minutes there with all your aunts and uncles and took a silver Christmas tree (I had to beg the cashier at the store to give me the floor model). We had chosen a blue stocking to put on it, along with a snowman Mikenna chose at the store. We took pictures of the girls sitting on the bench and then we left. Sorry, I didn't feel much like singing, but in my heart I was singing for you. I hope that you heard me.
We then went to the temple to see the lights and it was so different walking around. Last year I held you in my arms and worried that you would be cold. I saw a friend who had her baby in a sling, just like I held you last year. My arms were a bit empty. I missed you. I know you are in a better place, but what can be better than in my arms or with daddy, Savannah, and Mikenna who all love you and miss you so much. After that we went to grandma's to open pajamas. I had actually bought you some footies awhile back. I will have to find someone who could use them.... the girls had fun opening their presents. I couldn't help but think of how much fun you would have had tearing open the paper. This year you would have been old enough to kind of appreciate it... ish.
As we were sitting there, I had a thought come to me that I am glad for what I have, for those around me that are with me and for the girls whom I get to raise. An overwhelming love and appreciation for your sisters swelled within my heart. Losing you has been so hard, but I have really developed a deeper love for the girls and also for you. Not that I didn't appreciate them when you were with me, but I surely wouldn't have experienced this type of love if I hadn't lost you. I don't know if that makes sense. When I think of you being gone, it just doesn't make sense sometimes. It all seems like a dream at times.... a very very bad dream.
On Christmas the girls woke up and we "opened the gates" and let them out. We sang our song and went into the tree after waiting for grandma, grandpa, and your aunts and uncles to come watch them open them. Then off to grandmas and grandpas for breakfast and more presents. YEAH!!! We love opening more presents.
We are now at the cabin. All 4 of us crammed into one room. We are just missing a playpen with you in it. I feel your loss this season, but I think it isn't any more than I feel the loss at other times. I guess I am on a slew of "good days" just waiting for the ax to fall and me to crumble. But for now I am grateful I didn't have to endure the holiday on a series of bad days.
I am grateful for the birth of my Savior. I am grateful you are in His presence this season. This is the first of many Christmases without you and I can't even fathom it, but it is also the first of many Christmases you will spend in the presence of Jesus. I miss you little man. More than my heart can bare most days, but I know you are safe. I feel you with me when I am in my darkest hours. Thank you for taking some of the pain away when I am at my worst. I wish you were here with me. I think I will always have that little hole in my heart.
For our gifts to you this year, I had an angel stocking made for you and we all put something in it that we wanted to do to be better people. It could be anything. I wanted us to set a goal that would get us closer to you so that we might be able to raise you someday and be worthy of you. I love you my son. Continue to watch over us.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up and began organizing my closets, drawers, moving furniture, and cleaning the house of all the clutter. In the midst of all that, I heard "Angel Eyes" the song Lyndy wrote and I walked out to see what was going on. Daddy had turned on the video of the pics he put together with the song. I sat down with the girls and began wiping the snot and tears with my sleeves. It was all I could do not to completely lose it when Mikenna looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "Mommy, I really want Daxton to come home." My reply, "Me too baby, me too."
I think it was emotional day for your big sister as well. They were watching Air Bud the puppy movie and I walked into the room and Mikenna was wiping her eyes when the boy was telling Air Bud to go away, because he didn't want him to go back to his mean owner. My heart hurt for her.
Later on, we went to the cemetery. They were able to get your bench done on the Monday before Christmas. It was all installed and everything. Your picture looks so great. I can really hardly stand to see it. It just seems so final. I can't really fathom that your little body is buried underneath all the dirt and granite. How sad it is. Oh so very sad. We spent a few minutes there with all your aunts and uncles and took a silver Christmas tree (I had to beg the cashier at the store to give me the floor model). We had chosen a blue stocking to put on it, along with a snowman Mikenna chose at the store. We took pictures of the girls sitting on the bench and then we left. Sorry, I didn't feel much like singing, but in my heart I was singing for you. I hope that you heard me.
We then went to the temple to see the lights and it was so different walking around. Last year I held you in my arms and worried that you would be cold. I saw a friend who had her baby in a sling, just like I held you last year. My arms were a bit empty. I missed you. I know you are in a better place, but what can be better than in my arms or with daddy, Savannah, and Mikenna who all love you and miss you so much. After that we went to grandma's to open pajamas. I had actually bought you some footies awhile back. I will have to find someone who could use them.... the girls had fun opening their presents. I couldn't help but think of how much fun you would have had tearing open the paper. This year you would have been old enough to kind of appreciate it... ish.
As we were sitting there, I had a thought come to me that I am glad for what I have, for those around me that are with me and for the girls whom I get to raise. An overwhelming love and appreciation for your sisters swelled within my heart. Losing you has been so hard, but I have really developed a deeper love for the girls and also for you. Not that I didn't appreciate them when you were with me, but I surely wouldn't have experienced this type of love if I hadn't lost you. I don't know if that makes sense. When I think of you being gone, it just doesn't make sense sometimes. It all seems like a dream at times.... a very very bad dream.
On Christmas the girls woke up and we "opened the gates" and let them out. We sang our song and went into the tree after waiting for grandma, grandpa, and your aunts and uncles to come watch them open them. Then off to grandmas and grandpas for breakfast and more presents. YEAH!!! We love opening more presents.
We are now at the cabin. All 4 of us crammed into one room. We are just missing a playpen with you in it. I feel your loss this season, but I think it isn't any more than I feel the loss at other times. I guess I am on a slew of "good days" just waiting for the ax to fall and me to crumble. But for now I am grateful I didn't have to endure the holiday on a series of bad days.
I am grateful for the birth of my Savior. I am grateful you are in His presence this season. This is the first of many Christmases without you and I can't even fathom it, but it is also the first of many Christmases you will spend in the presence of Jesus. I miss you little man. More than my heart can bare most days, but I know you are safe. I feel you with me when I am in my darkest hours. Thank you for taking some of the pain away when I am at my worst. I wish you were here with me. I think I will always have that little hole in my heart.
For our gifts to you this year, I had an angel stocking made for you and we all put something in it that we wanted to do to be better people. It could be anything. I wanted us to set a goal that would get us closer to you so that we might be able to raise you someday and be worthy of you. I love you my son. Continue to watch over us.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
My first Christmas with Jesus
I saw this on one of my good friend's blog who lost her little girl around the same time as Daxton passed away and I had to use it for my post tonight. My heart is heavy and I just pray to make it through the rest of the holiday. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!
My First Christmas With Jesus
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
My First Christmas With Jesus
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Two Twins
WOW!!! I admire anyone the mother of multiples. I had my aunts two twins (that is what the girls call them) on Wednesday and we had so much fun. From one to the other back to the other I went. There wasn't time for eating, sleeping, chores, or peeing!!!! Seriously. I don't know how she does it.
Anyone can suggest to you how to be a mother of twins, but until you have really sunk your teeth into it (which I nowhere near did), well you just don't understand. I take back all the "suggestions" I gave. Taking care of two babies or twins in the hospital setting is SO much different!!!! For one thing when they are your own, well you just love them more (I know it sounds bad. I love my patients, but come on, its family :)). Maybe I should rephrase, you can love ON them more, kisses, snuggles, all things NOT allowed in the NICU, for obvious germy reasons.
Anyhow, Lilly and Layla were PERFECT. I got a few great pics, but I need to download them to my computer and then get permission from mom to post them. I did find the secret to multiples, just in case you would all like to know........ A FIVE YEAR OLD!!!! They are perfect. They have nothing "better" to do than run around and get you stuff or hold the baby, or feed the baby. Too much older and they lost interest, but a 5 year old. Is perfect.
Mikenna sat on the couch the majority of the day, holding "her" baby Layla and watching TV. She kept saying that her arm was tired, but she wasn't ready to put her down, this is after an hour and a half mind you. She was cracking me up. And then there is Savannah, who LOVES to hold them and keep them awake by singing "Twinkle Twinkle" at the top of her lungs and repositioning them every 5 seconds. Oh and she LOVES LOVES LOVES to change their diapers. Gets a real kick out of that one.
So a shout out to the mothers of multiples, I really thought that I wanted twins, not to say I don't still. I just got a little inkling of the day in the life of a mother of multiples. You get absolutely the essentials done, feeding, changing, and feeding, changing, and feeding, changing (not you silly, the babies) Good luck taking a shower, folding laundry, or getting any sort of cooking or cleaning done. LOL!!!!
On a side note, I got a taste of what it will be like when we have a new baby sister in our family. She won't really be mine. We are all actually VERY baby hungry. I don't know how much I will want to share. We know it will be different from Daxton and we wish it were him, but as it is, we will have a new one and she will bring a new joy into our home. Mikenna, I believe will monopolize the baby while she is home, but if her arms are as empty as mine right now, then let them be filled with a baby sister. :) For now we will just snuggle the twins and get our baby fixes from them.
Anyone can suggest to you how to be a mother of twins, but until you have really sunk your teeth into it (which I nowhere near did), well you just don't understand. I take back all the "suggestions" I gave. Taking care of two babies or twins in the hospital setting is SO much different!!!! For one thing when they are your own, well you just love them more (I know it sounds bad. I love my patients, but come on, its family :)). Maybe I should rephrase, you can love ON them more, kisses, snuggles, all things NOT allowed in the NICU, for obvious germy reasons.
Anyhow, Lilly and Layla were PERFECT. I got a few great pics, but I need to download them to my computer and then get permission from mom to post them. I did find the secret to multiples, just in case you would all like to know........ A FIVE YEAR OLD!!!! They are perfect. They have nothing "better" to do than run around and get you stuff or hold the baby, or feed the baby. Too much older and they lost interest, but a 5 year old. Is perfect.
Mikenna sat on the couch the majority of the day, holding "her" baby Layla and watching TV. She kept saying that her arm was tired, but she wasn't ready to put her down, this is after an hour and a half mind you. She was cracking me up. And then there is Savannah, who LOVES to hold them and keep them awake by singing "Twinkle Twinkle" at the top of her lungs and repositioning them every 5 seconds. Oh and she LOVES LOVES LOVES to change their diapers. Gets a real kick out of that one.
So a shout out to the mothers of multiples, I really thought that I wanted twins, not to say I don't still. I just got a little inkling of the day in the life of a mother of multiples. You get absolutely the essentials done, feeding, changing, and feeding, changing, and feeding, changing (not you silly, the babies) Good luck taking a shower, folding laundry, or getting any sort of cooking or cleaning done. LOL!!!!
On a side note, I got a taste of what it will be like when we have a new baby sister in our family. She won't really be mine. We are all actually VERY baby hungry. I don't know how much I will want to share. We know it will be different from Daxton and we wish it were him, but as it is, we will have a new one and she will bring a new joy into our home. Mikenna, I believe will monopolize the baby while she is home, but if her arms are as empty as mine right now, then let them be filled with a baby sister. :) For now we will just snuggle the twins and get our baby fixes from them.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Happy Birthday BABE!
Today is my favorite husband's birthday (I don't really like my other ones too much :) LOL) and I just wanted to give a shout out to how wonderful he is.
From the day that I saw him walk in from Jack Weyland's class at BYU, I knew that he was the one. It was actually pretty crazy. I always told my roommates when I saw a cute boy that he was my future husband, but it wasn't really true until I met Doug. He walked in and I just had this feeling come over me.... I just needed to convince him I was the one, and that took some coaxing :).
With a few trips to his home in Victor Idaho and a few trips to AZ with the promise of seeing the Grand Canyon, I had him hooked with my dashing personality and witty sense of humor.... Well he had ME smitten anyway. I remember the giddiness I felt whenever he was around. Those were the days :). Now the deep and enduring love and friendship we share that is truly what gets me through the day. Without him? Well I just might as well give up.
Whenever we have an ultrasound of our kids he is always right there. He thinks it is so cool to see a new life growing inside. He loves each of our children, especially now that the girls are so much fun. I remember not to long ago he said that he couldn't wait until Daxton got bigger so that he could play with him. That will have to wait, but we have another on the way (a girl) that he will be able to play with soon enough.
I am grateful that he takes the time to take me out on dates. That he spends time with the girls doing puzzles and giving them horsey rides. I am grateful that he does laundry, dishes, and takes the garbage out. He has helped me down many roads that I never thought we would have to go. He holds me when I cry and wet his pillow (no sense in getting mine all boogery). He is a great husband and Father. He is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Doug!!!!
From the day that I saw him walk in from Jack Weyland's class at BYU, I knew that he was the one. It was actually pretty crazy. I always told my roommates when I saw a cute boy that he was my future husband, but it wasn't really true until I met Doug. He walked in and I just had this feeling come over me.... I just needed to convince him I was the one, and that took some coaxing :).
With a few trips to his home in Victor Idaho and a few trips to AZ with the promise of seeing the Grand Canyon, I had him hooked with my dashing personality and witty sense of humor.... Well he had ME smitten anyway. I remember the giddiness I felt whenever he was around. Those were the days :). Now the deep and enduring love and friendship we share that is truly what gets me through the day. Without him? Well I just might as well give up.
Whenever we have an ultrasound of our kids he is always right there. He thinks it is so cool to see a new life growing inside. He loves each of our children, especially now that the girls are so much fun. I remember not to long ago he said that he couldn't wait until Daxton got bigger so that he could play with him. That will have to wait, but we have another on the way (a girl) that he will be able to play with soon enough.
I am grateful that he takes the time to take me out on dates. That he spends time with the girls doing puzzles and giving them horsey rides. I am grateful that he does laundry, dishes, and takes the garbage out. He has helped me down many roads that I never thought we would have to go. He holds me when I cry and wet his pillow (no sense in getting mine all boogery). He is a great husband and Father. He is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Doug!!!!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Housecleaners. Friends. Chocolate.
Seriously!!! Does the day get any better when you spend it with your friends making chocolate covered pretzels while your house is cleaned by SOMEONE ELSE? NO. I would say that is the perfect day.
Housecleaners. Friends. Chocolate.
Housecleaners. When I had Daxton, that was the first thing I did. Get me a housecleaner. I don't necessarily get her regularly, but it averages out to be about every 3 weeks. There are many things I would give up.... going out to expensive restaurants (ya like I do that), that extra movie or 2, my right arm.... in order to have a housecleaner. It is SO worth it. With Daxton, I just wanted to spend all my time with him that I had, and it was hard with Mikenna too (Savannah was at school). I just wanted to relish in the moment and NOT spend it cleaning. Plus, if I remember correctly, 3 kids was hard!!! Only 2 is harder, but once again, all relative.
Friends. Friends were/are there when I need them most. When I am having a bad day, I get flowers on my door step. When friends I haven't seen for awhile come into town, I get chocolate and a thoughtful card. When Daxton passed away, there were so many friends. Good friends. I am so lucky to have them. Everyone that showed up at my house to clean (housecleaners), those who brought us dinners. Those who planned a HUGE luncheon for all my family when they were here. Those who bear this burden with me. And those who help me get out bed daily. PS: husbands are friends too. :)
Friday, December 12, 2008
Christmas at the Kunz's
Well I finally did it. I didn't want to but I did it. I put up my trees. I put up my nativity sets. I put up lights and garland. I thought that maybe if I didn't do all that that Christmas would just go away.... oh yes and I am DONE shopping. Well at least with all that is on my list. Now there is other stuff not so much on my list that I could potentially get.... shhhhhh don't tell Doug :).
Anyway, I put up the tree in my living room, you know, the one that is supposed to be really nice with all the pretty ornaments and people walk into your house and say, "Wow, what a beautiful tree." I don't know if that is how it turned out, but if you come to my house, humor me :).
I have set up another tree that I am going to put pictures on of the kids. My sister made ornaments of their pics, so it should turn out nice. I am also going to put blue ornaments on it, in remembrance of Daxton's blue eyes.... so if any of you feel so inclined and you are out and see a blue ornament that reminds you of Daxton or his memory or this blog, I would love to add it to my collection. Just email me privately. You can access my email from my profile page, and I will send you the address to mail the ornaments to. This will be a way to make the holidays just a little bit easier, well that is relative :)
Putting up the nativities wasn't such the chore I thought it was going to be. I just did one (I know, I am lazy) but I also have nativity snow globes throughout the house. Yes I know I will need to take pictures. Will post them soon!!!! loves to all.
Anyway, I put up the tree in my living room, you know, the one that is supposed to be really nice with all the pretty ornaments and people walk into your house and say, "Wow, what a beautiful tree." I don't know if that is how it turned out, but if you come to my house, humor me :).
I have set up another tree that I am going to put pictures on of the kids. My sister made ornaments of their pics, so it should turn out nice. I am also going to put blue ornaments on it, in remembrance of Daxton's blue eyes.... so if any of you feel so inclined and you are out and see a blue ornament that reminds you of Daxton or his memory or this blog, I would love to add it to my collection. Just email me privately. You can access my email from my profile page, and I will send you the address to mail the ornaments to. This will be a way to make the holidays just a little bit easier, well that is relative :)
Putting up the nativities wasn't such the chore I thought it was going to be. I just did one (I know, I am lazy) but I also have nativity snow globes throughout the house. Yes I know I will need to take pictures. Will post them soon!!!! loves to all.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The White Rose
I received this beautiful poem in the mail, just a day after my 6 month mark.
It is called "The White Rose"
All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mother: "See the works of My hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits."
The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. "Choose ye," He said. Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country."
The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of earthly home.
Once again the loving Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong to me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. you will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them."
"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said the others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."
The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for someone to step forward. Silence. Then He said, "See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"
A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will." Then another, " I as well," "Yes, Lord we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke again, "Oh, how blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."
The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. And the greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each Mother who bore the weight of the 'White Rose,' would feel the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."
While my perspective now is limited to my mortal human eyes, I have to believe that I new the Father's plan before I came here. I don't know why or how I would have previously agreed to losing a child here on earth, but I know that I will see my Daxton again and that I will raise someday raise him.
As Elder Wirthlin said at this last General Conference, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
It is called "The White Rose"
All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mother: "See the works of My hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits."
The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. "Choose ye," He said. Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country."
The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of earthly home.
Once again the loving Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong to me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. you will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them."
"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said the others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."
The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for someone to step forward. Silence. Then He said, "See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"
A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will." Then another, " I as well," "Yes, Lord we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke again, "Oh, how blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."
The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. And the greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each Mother who bore the weight of the 'White Rose,' would feel the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."
While my perspective now is limited to my mortal human eyes, I have to believe that I new the Father's plan before I came here. I don't know why or how I would have previously agreed to losing a child here on earth, but I know that I will see my Daxton again and that I will raise someday raise him.
As Elder Wirthlin said at this last General Conference, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
has it been that long?
Well yesterday marked 6 months that my little Daxton became an angel in Heaven. The actual day itself wasn't that bad. This road of grief is much like a roller coaster. There are highs and lows, goes fast and slow, and I am still waiting for someone to let me off. The days seem to go by so fast. How can he really be gone already for 6 months. 6 more months and he will have been away from me longer than he was actually here with me.
And yet, time seems to go so slow. Has it only been 6 months? It seems like eternity! Some may ask if Mondays are hard for me, or if the 9th of every month is tough. Well? If I could only be so lucky that there were only 5 planned days a month that I lose it. What a relief! Such as it is, it is not the case. It is almost every other day that I cry myself to sleep, wetting my pillow with tears of sorrow. Only to wake up to another day without Daxton.
I get out of bed and carry on. I make cookies with the girls, do puzzles, and play memory with them. While they are at school, I sneak in the occasional nap or run the mounds of errands or work on the never ending "list" that we all make. I look around me and I have never seen so many little 18 month olds running around. I try to picture what Daxton would look like. What would his personality have developed into? What words would he be saying? Would his eyes be even more captivating? How would I do his hair and what size clothes would he be wearing? Would he like to wear the hats and tennis shoes I bought him? These questions are not to be answered.
Of course I miss him, of course I grieve his loss. I think that this roller coaster ride is never ending. There are times when we go around a corner and get slapped in the face with fear. Fear that I won't make it another day without him. There are times of fun, time I spend with my girls, making memories that will be long lasting. At times it goes fast and I wonder where the time went, what a ride it has been, and times it goes slow, will I ever be done with this ride? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep at night? Will I get to a point where I am grateful for the loss I have suffered? Will I learn all that my Father in Heaven wants me to learn?
And yet, time seems to go so slow. Has it only been 6 months? It seems like eternity! Some may ask if Mondays are hard for me, or if the 9th of every month is tough. Well? If I could only be so lucky that there were only 5 planned days a month that I lose it. What a relief! Such as it is, it is not the case. It is almost every other day that I cry myself to sleep, wetting my pillow with tears of sorrow. Only to wake up to another day without Daxton.
I get out of bed and carry on. I make cookies with the girls, do puzzles, and play memory with them. While they are at school, I sneak in the occasional nap or run the mounds of errands or work on the never ending "list" that we all make. I look around me and I have never seen so many little 18 month olds running around. I try to picture what Daxton would look like. What would his personality have developed into? What words would he be saying? Would his eyes be even more captivating? How would I do his hair and what size clothes would he be wearing? Would he like to wear the hats and tennis shoes I bought him? These questions are not to be answered.
Of course I miss him, of course I grieve his loss. I think that this roller coaster ride is never ending. There are times when we go around a corner and get slapped in the face with fear. Fear that I won't make it another day without him. There are times of fun, time I spend with my girls, making memories that will be long lasting. At times it goes fast and I wonder where the time went, what a ride it has been, and times it goes slow, will I ever be done with this ride? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep at night? Will I get to a point where I am grateful for the loss I have suffered? Will I learn all that my Father in Heaven wants me to learn?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Breakfast with Santa
On Saturday, we had breakfast with Santa. We arrived at the church and Savannah was SO excited she could could barely stand it. This is a great thing about Savannah. She gets excited over EVERYTHING... other people's birthdays, toys, gifts, accomplishments, seeing people she knows, riding the bus, going to school, and especially anything to do with Santa. It is great! So onto breakfast. We were in line and the announcer told us Santa was coming in. I knew I had to take hold.... well I seeing that I am like 10 months pregnant, holding 3 plates, trying to appease Mikenna (no small feat), when Santa entered the room, Savannah tossed her plate aside and bolted as fast as she could, "Hi Santa, Merry Christmas. Give me a hug."
He was a very kind Santa and obliged a little girl her request. It was all we could do to hold her in one spot after that, although food usually holds her for as long as she is eating it. After we ate breakfast, we stood in line to tell Santa what we wanted for Christmas. Seemed like forever. We finally made it to the stage where she "cut" in front of another little girl. Mikenna said, "Savannah you can't cut." Too late she was already on Santa's lap telling him she wanted panties, pajamas, and clothes. Kind of embarrassing. Mikenna to our surprise also sat on his lap and although she has told me that she does not want any more clothes because we have too many in the drawers already, she told Santa she wanted clothes.
The rest of the morning was filled with painting ornaments (trying to keep paint off the clothes rather), coloring pages, and waiting for the raffle to be over. We didn't walk away empty handed although my ungrateful children didn't want what they had won..... kids these days, just spoiled and more spoiled... we have grandma to thank for that :) LOL! Overall, breakfast with Santa was a real hit!!!
He was a very kind Santa and obliged a little girl her request. It was all we could do to hold her in one spot after that, although food usually holds her for as long as she is eating it. After we ate breakfast, we stood in line to tell Santa what we wanted for Christmas. Seemed like forever. We finally made it to the stage where she "cut" in front of another little girl. Mikenna said, "Savannah you can't cut." Too late she was already on Santa's lap telling him she wanted panties, pajamas, and clothes. Kind of embarrassing. Mikenna to our surprise also sat on his lap and although she has told me that she does not want any more clothes because we have too many in the drawers already, she told Santa she wanted clothes.
The rest of the morning was filled with painting ornaments (trying to keep paint off the clothes rather), coloring pages, and waiting for the raffle to be over. We didn't walk away empty handed although my ungrateful children didn't want what they had won..... kids these days, just spoiled and more spoiled... we have grandma to thank for that :) LOL! Overall, breakfast with Santa was a real hit!!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
A couple "I remembers" if you will
As I was sitting getting my hair done today (seriously, there is NOTHING better than freshly highlighted hair, ok maybe a few things, but I. LOVE. Getting. My hair done.) I thought of a few things I wanted to write down about Daxton.
I remember when I took him to get my hair done. I hadn't slept in like 24 hours because I had worked the night before and I just had to get this appointment in. So I took Daxton. As I was waiting for my hair to process I fed him in hopes that he would take a nap. Well all he did was crawl around all over me. It was very cute. and Very frustrating. But we managed. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I was able to get a few moments of sleep before the girls got home.
I also remember very vividly my dad was holding Daxton on top of the kitchen table. I walked into the room and Daxton looked over at me. Dad said, "You know, there is something really special about this little guy." Yes. Yes there was. He was too perfect to be here. He was too perfect for me to raise in this imperfect world.
It is quite a thing to look back on the year he was with us. There was less contention, more joy, happiness, and peace in our home than I ever thought possible. The girls fought less and loved their little brother more. I think we were just all in love with him and his baby blues. How could you not just love him and be happy around him all. the. time.
Just wanted to share
I remember when I took him to get my hair done. I hadn't slept in like 24 hours because I had worked the night before and I just had to get this appointment in. So I took Daxton. As I was waiting for my hair to process I fed him in hopes that he would take a nap. Well all he did was crawl around all over me. It was very cute. and Very frustrating. But we managed. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I was able to get a few moments of sleep before the girls got home.
I also remember very vividly my dad was holding Daxton on top of the kitchen table. I walked into the room and Daxton looked over at me. Dad said, "You know, there is something really special about this little guy." Yes. Yes there was. He was too perfect to be here. He was too perfect for me to raise in this imperfect world.
It is quite a thing to look back on the year he was with us. There was less contention, more joy, happiness, and peace in our home than I ever thought possible. The girls fought less and loved their little brother more. I think we were just all in love with him and his baby blues. How could you not just love him and be happy around him all. the. time.
Just wanted to share
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
What about the "Now?"
I know. We are all. guilty. of. it.
"Kids get up in 10 minutes, got to get in the shower"
"I have 5 hours until the kids get home.... need to run to walmart, costco, get my hair done"
"Kids are home, dinner in 2 hours, what to fix..."
"Aw, kids to bed in 3 hours, I am going to clean the house, put the toys away, enjoy some 'me' time"
"3 more hours of my shift and then I get to go home"
Isn't it amazing how we 'tick' our lives away. I was speaking with a co worker last night about this. We of course had different views, but at the time, I was simply being reflective. She mentioned that we had 5 more hours on our shift and then we got to go home. I replied that it was interesting how we are always living a few hours ahead of the 'now.'
President Monson, the prophet of our church said in the last conference and I paraphrase that "Too many tomorrows make up a lot of empty yesterdays."
Always living for the future. One might argue that we are just accomplishing little goals by making it from one hour to the next. I don't disagree, but if we always live for 3 hours ahead of where we are at, where does the time go? And where is the 'now?'
I have tried to live a little more in the now for the last few days, because I feel like I have been 'ticking' the time away.... Can't wait until the kids go to bed when I can get some stuff done, can't wait until my shift is over and I can go home (ok I agree, not a bad one), can't wait until next week when I can get my hair done, get a massage, and whatever else.
What about living for today? What if there are no more tomorrows? or next weeks? Why do we incessantly look to the future, forget the past, and ignore the now? My girls are growing up right before my eyes. I try not to say things like, Can't wait until Mikenna is in Kindergarten all day (this will be very sad mind you), they grow up so fast. That and one minute they are here and the next they may be gone, grown up, and moved out of the house, or on the other side of the veil in Heaven.
If we don't enjoy the now, then what will we look back on when we are old and sitting in our rockers on the porch. We will simply only be able to think of wishing the time away to the future, to retirement, to when our kids are grown, we will have forgotten to make the memories of the 'now.'
A few weeks before Daxton passed away, someone asked me what I was looking forward to. I honestly looked at them and said, nothing. I am enjoying the right now. There isn't anything I am looking forward to except right now. This is probably all a bunch of rambling, I just hope that we all enjoy the 'now' and stop looking so much to the future. Life is too short.
"Kids get up in 10 minutes, got to get in the shower"
"I have 5 hours until the kids get home.... need to run to walmart, costco, get my hair done"
"Kids are home, dinner in 2 hours, what to fix..."
"Aw, kids to bed in 3 hours, I am going to clean the house, put the toys away, enjoy some 'me' time"
"3 more hours of my shift and then I get to go home"
Isn't it amazing how we 'tick' our lives away. I was speaking with a co worker last night about this. We of course had different views, but at the time, I was simply being reflective. She mentioned that we had 5 more hours on our shift and then we got to go home. I replied that it was interesting how we are always living a few hours ahead of the 'now.'President Monson, the prophet of our church said in the last conference and I paraphrase that "Too many tomorrows make up a lot of empty yesterdays."
Always living for the future. One might argue that we are just accomplishing little goals by making it from one hour to the next. I don't disagree, but if we always live for 3 hours ahead of where we are at, where does the time go? And where is the 'now?'
I have tried to live a little more in the now for the last few days, because I feel like I have been 'ticking' the time away.... Can't wait until the kids go to bed when I can get some stuff done, can't wait until my shift is over and I can go home (ok I agree, not a bad one), can't wait until next week when I can get my hair done, get a massage, and whatever else.What about living for today? What if there are no more tomorrows? or next weeks? Why do we incessantly look to the future, forget the past, and ignore the now? My girls are growing up right before my eyes. I try not to say things like, Can't wait until Mikenna is in Kindergarten all day (this will be very sad mind you), they grow up so fast. That and one minute they are here and the next they may be gone, grown up, and moved out of the house, or on the other side of the veil in Heaven.
If we don't enjoy the now, then what will we look back on when we are old and sitting in our rockers on the porch. We will simply only be able to think of wishing the time away to the future, to retirement, to when our kids are grown, we will have forgotten to make the memories of the 'now.'A few weeks before Daxton passed away, someone asked me what I was looking forward to. I honestly looked at them and said, nothing. I am enjoying the right now. There isn't anything I am looking forward to except right now. This is probably all a bunch of rambling, I just hope that we all enjoy the 'now' and stop looking so much to the future. Life is too short.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thanksgiving
I have actually been doing really well for the past few weeks. I have had a lot of "good" days and good moments where I actually think I might survive. Aside from being 32 weeks pregnant with a nasty head cold and working 3 days a week, I feel GREAT!! (ya sure :)).
It was a culmination of emotions on Thanksgiving. It wasn't necessarily because Daxton wasn't there. He was never meant to be there. His time on earth is through and he is serving a glorified mission in Heaven and preparing a way for us. No, it wasn't because I thought he should be there. It was a "bad" day though. Just caught up with me and just so happened it was on T-day.
We have a tradition on T-day where we all go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Since I had spent the better part of the afternoon in the bathroom or bedroom trying to hold it together, I was fresh out. I sat and listened to all that my lovely family was grateful for, I tried to think of all that I was grateful for. I kept walking in and out in hopes that my table would have gone, but no they saved it for me.... Upon my return and avoiding all possible hopes of having to comment on what I was grateful for, dad pipes in and says, "Brit, it is your turn." Right.... So my reply was less than stellar. "I am grateful for my family. That is all I got."
What I wish I would have said was I am thankful for this blessed day where we can be thankful for all that we have. Where we can gather as family and eat such GREAT phenomonal food. We had yummy potatos, yummy stuffing, yummy turkey and smoked ribs which ps gave me SERIOUS heartburn for a week, yummy sweet potatoes, Seriously whoever made those a shout out to you SO YUM!!!! And last but not least, SUPER YUMMY PIES!!! Although with all the good food, there was hardly room. LOL. It was overall a great time to get together and eat and be thankful.
I am thankful for my husband, who holds me when I am sad, laughs with me when I am happy, takes care of my girls and handles them with such love. He is our peacemaker, he is the one who can turn our moods around if we are cranky. He can talk Mikenna out of a pouty mood (which seriously warrants a HUGE award). He is the breadwinner, our provider. He is my best friend. He knows my pain, he knows my sorrow. He knows what makes me happy (just in case you forget: massages, pedicures, chocolate, flowers, a long nap, emptying of the dishwasher... just to name a few :)).
I am thankful for my girls. They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They are my life. I look at them in a wonderment that they are mine. I can't believe it. They call me mom and that is great (most of the time). They think I am wonderful, which is great all of the time. I learn so much from them. They are so forgiving of me and my faults. They love me no matter what. And I love them.
I am especially grateful that I was able to have Daxton in my life. It was no where near long enough, but I am grateful I had him as long as I did. I have learned so much from him, while he was here with me on earth and after he returned to Heaven. I sure do miss him, but I would do it all over again.
There are many more things I am thankful for, but this post is VERY long!!!! Loves to you all. Hope that you had a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
It was a culmination of emotions on Thanksgiving. It wasn't necessarily because Daxton wasn't there. He was never meant to be there. His time on earth is through and he is serving a glorified mission in Heaven and preparing a way for us. No, it wasn't because I thought he should be there. It was a "bad" day though. Just caught up with me and just so happened it was on T-day.
We have a tradition on T-day where we all go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Since I had spent the better part of the afternoon in the bathroom or bedroom trying to hold it together, I was fresh out. I sat and listened to all that my lovely family was grateful for, I tried to think of all that I was grateful for. I kept walking in and out in hopes that my table would have gone, but no they saved it for me.... Upon my return and avoiding all possible hopes of having to comment on what I was grateful for, dad pipes in and says, "Brit, it is your turn." Right.... So my reply was less than stellar. "I am grateful for my family. That is all I got."
What I wish I would have said was I am thankful for this blessed day where we can be thankful for all that we have. Where we can gather as family and eat such GREAT phenomonal food. We had yummy potatos, yummy stuffing, yummy turkey and smoked ribs which ps gave me SERIOUS heartburn for a week, yummy sweet potatoes, Seriously whoever made those a shout out to you SO YUM!!!! And last but not least, SUPER YUMMY PIES!!! Although with all the good food, there was hardly room. LOL. It was overall a great time to get together and eat and be thankful.
I am thankful for my husband, who holds me when I am sad, laughs with me when I am happy, takes care of my girls and handles them with such love. He is our peacemaker, he is the one who can turn our moods around if we are cranky. He can talk Mikenna out of a pouty mood (which seriously warrants a HUGE award). He is the breadwinner, our provider. He is my best friend. He knows my pain, he knows my sorrow. He knows what makes me happy (just in case you forget: massages, pedicures, chocolate, flowers, a long nap, emptying of the dishwasher... just to name a few :)).
I am thankful for my girls. They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They are my life. I look at them in a wonderment that they are mine. I can't believe it. They call me mom and that is great (most of the time). They think I am wonderful, which is great all of the time. I learn so much from them. They are so forgiving of me and my faults. They love me no matter what. And I love them.
I am especially grateful that I was able to have Daxton in my life. It was no where near long enough, but I am grateful I had him as long as I did. I have learned so much from him, while he was here with me on earth and after he returned to Heaven. I sure do miss him, but I would do it all over again.
There are many more things I am thankful for, but this post is VERY long!!!! Loves to you all. Hope that you had a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Interesting thought
Yesterday was Sunday and one of my very kind friends who lets me pretend that her baby is mine on occasion called me to see if I would watch her little boy during one of the classes. Of course I said YES!!! He is the cutest most adorable little boy (aside from mine :)) and how could a girl say no to such blue eyes.
He came to me asleep. I laid him in my arms. It felt so natural. I really had to try to hold it together. Wiping my tears and my nose became almost too much for me, almost had to leave the Primary room. As I held him in my arms while he was sleeping, I thought, "I should be holding Daxton. I should be holding MY baby." And immediately the thought came to me with a peace only from our Father in Heaven, "No, you shouldn't be holding Daxton. He was never meant to stay here very long. You had him as long as you were supposed to."
And so I realize. Daxton was here for the time that he was supposed to be, not a moment longer I might add. While I miss him terribly, I know that he is performing a greater work in Heaven. Just thought I would share.
He came to me asleep. I laid him in my arms. It felt so natural. I really had to try to hold it together. Wiping my tears and my nose became almost too much for me, almost had to leave the Primary room. As I held him in my arms while he was sleeping, I thought, "I should be holding Daxton. I should be holding MY baby." And immediately the thought came to me with a peace only from our Father in Heaven, "No, you shouldn't be holding Daxton. He was never meant to stay here very long. You had him as long as you were supposed to."
And so I realize. Daxton was here for the time that he was supposed to be, not a moment longer I might add. While I miss him terribly, I know that he is performing a greater work in Heaven. Just thought I would share.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Personal Revelation
My cousin asked me my thoughts on this topic and for some reason I think better when writing on my blog. I just finished making 2 batches of rolls and I really hope that they rise good enough for me to use in the am, because I really want to make cinnamon rolls and the rolls you roll in LOTS of butter. I was having a bit of trouble with the yeast. You see, I bought a jar from Safeway, opened it, and then put in on the shelf in the pantry. Doug walked in one day and said, "You know, if you put yeast in the pantry and not in the fridge it will go bad." So I put it in the fridge (a little to late).
So the next day or so, I went to Walmart and bought a jar of yeast (for NO kidding 1/3 the cost I paid at Safeway) and promptly put it in the fridge after use. Well since I am SUCH a genius, I left both bottles in there and didn't bother to toss the "bad" one away. Seriously I just couldn't stomach tossing the bottle that cost me 3X as much away. I couldn't do it.
That leads me to tonight.... I was making this batch of rolls trying to figure out which yeast was bad and which one wasn't. Nobody but me knows I am making these rolls, so they won't know any different if they turn and crappy and in the garbage, but I KNOW that I made them and it was hard work, so I would like them to turn out :).
On to personal revelation.... we will see how we can tie all this together (LOL). First of all, if we aren't worthy of living with the Spirit then we are unable to receive personal revelation for ourselves, our family, our children, our circumstances, or anything for that matter. Much like the dead yeast. It no longer works and you get bad or no rolls at all. (a stretch I know).
Interestingly enough when I was cooking I thought to myself, "you bought that at Safeway and you have some other in the pantry from there. It was all the same brand, so if you can find it you will know which brand you bought where and the one from Safeway is the 'bad' one." I looked in the pantry and sure enough the one I had used on my rolls was from Walmart... or the good one.
Personal Revelation? Sure. I think that we don't necessarily need BIG revelations. A lot of little ones will help us gain a testimony. I run. My dad runs (or used to) It is our time to think, ponder, and we have both received countless numbers of personal revelation while running. I would also ask my dad to do a 'gut check' for me. He would fast, pray, or whatever he had to do and get back to me, with a verdict on my question.
Throughout my life I have had a number of personal revelations, albeit through the still small voice and personal prayer. I don't believe very many people receive personal revelation through angels, or the Heavens opening, or visions. Personally, I don't think very many people could handle it. However, I am simple. I just like simple answers to 'simple' questions.
From a very young age, I knew that I would have a 'special needs' child. I didn't know what the special need would be, who it would be, or if it would be a girl or a boy. I just knew. And then I had Savannah and it was made sure. The moment I saw Doug walk into my physics class at BYU-Idaho, I knew he was the one (I just needed to convince him :)).
When I left for Havasupai, I knew something very bad was going to happen. I would check my gut every night and was relieved when I felt peace. And then something bad did happen. Something tragic happened. I knew that I would come out of it. I knew that I would be able to survive it, to survive the death of my baby. I work towards it every day. Someday I will look back and see all the bitter and the sweet.
I know that each of us is capable in some shape, form, or fashion to have a personal revelation from our Father in Heaven. It is His way of communcating with us. It is His way of showing us He loves us and wants us to be happy. I don't know if this answers my cousin's question, but that is my answer :).
So the next day or so, I went to Walmart and bought a jar of yeast (for NO kidding 1/3 the cost I paid at Safeway) and promptly put it in the fridge after use. Well since I am SUCH a genius, I left both bottles in there and didn't bother to toss the "bad" one away. Seriously I just couldn't stomach tossing the bottle that cost me 3X as much away. I couldn't do it.
That leads me to tonight.... I was making this batch of rolls trying to figure out which yeast was bad and which one wasn't. Nobody but me knows I am making these rolls, so they won't know any different if they turn and crappy and in the garbage, but I KNOW that I made them and it was hard work, so I would like them to turn out :).
On to personal revelation.... we will see how we can tie all this together (LOL). First of all, if we aren't worthy of living with the Spirit then we are unable to receive personal revelation for ourselves, our family, our children, our circumstances, or anything for that matter. Much like the dead yeast. It no longer works and you get bad or no rolls at all. (a stretch I know).
Interestingly enough when I was cooking I thought to myself, "you bought that at Safeway and you have some other in the pantry from there. It was all the same brand, so if you can find it you will know which brand you bought where and the one from Safeway is the 'bad' one." I looked in the pantry and sure enough the one I had used on my rolls was from Walmart... or the good one.
Personal Revelation? Sure. I think that we don't necessarily need BIG revelations. A lot of little ones will help us gain a testimony. I run. My dad runs (or used to) It is our time to think, ponder, and we have both received countless numbers of personal revelation while running. I would also ask my dad to do a 'gut check' for me. He would fast, pray, or whatever he had to do and get back to me, with a verdict on my question.
Throughout my life I have had a number of personal revelations, albeit through the still small voice and personal prayer. I don't believe very many people receive personal revelation through angels, or the Heavens opening, or visions. Personally, I don't think very many people could handle it. However, I am simple. I just like simple answers to 'simple' questions.
From a very young age, I knew that I would have a 'special needs' child. I didn't know what the special need would be, who it would be, or if it would be a girl or a boy. I just knew. And then I had Savannah and it was made sure. The moment I saw Doug walk into my physics class at BYU-Idaho, I knew he was the one (I just needed to convince him :)).
When I left for Havasupai, I knew something very bad was going to happen. I would check my gut every night and was relieved when I felt peace. And then something bad did happen. Something tragic happened. I knew that I would come out of it. I knew that I would be able to survive it, to survive the death of my baby. I work towards it every day. Someday I will look back and see all the bitter and the sweet.
I know that each of us is capable in some shape, form, or fashion to have a personal revelation from our Father in Heaven. It is His way of communcating with us. It is His way of showing us He loves us and wants us to be happy. I don't know if this answers my cousin's question, but that is my answer :).
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Migraines
Oh how I love a good migraine. Sucks all the energy, gives me black spots, and really is a PAIN.
When I was in college, my first semester, I was putting on my make up. All of the sudden I started seeing black spots. I thought what in the world is going on? I had no idea. I might have had a handful of migraines before, but never one with an aura (sign of something).
This particular day I began to freak out. It was early in the morning and I seriously thought I was going blind. I couldn't call the doctor because they weren't in yet and it was too early to call my mom. So I went to class.
About half way through my physics class (loaded with very cute boys, including my future husband) I had to RUN out of the room to the bathroom and puke. my. guts. out. It was the strangest thing I had ever experienced. I went back into the classroom somewhat sheepishly, grabbed my stuff, and headed home. My head was pounding and so I did what any college student would do. Took a cocktail of 3 extra strength Excedrin Tylenol, 2 Ibuprofen, covered my eyes, and went to sleep for 6 hours.
By the time I woke up, it was just a dull memory accompanied with a dull headache. I had experienced my first REAL. LIVE. MIGRAINE. Yeah. Throughout college I got them on and off depending on the stress and sugar levels in my blood.
Well they have resurfaced!!!! Can I say how seriously NOT excited I am about this? When I was pregnant with Daxton from about 30 to 36 weeks I experienced about 2-3 migraines a week. I only remember the weeks because I was doing a critical care rotation in nursing school and had one every other day for 4 weeks. Yay.
SO as I enter my 30th week, I am initiated with a repeat cycle of these lovely Ms. I have had 2 this week and it is only Thursday. I could seriously do with some suggestions that work for you all. I don't have the luxury of taking a Tylenol PM, Excedrin, or Percocet (which I think would REALLY work), so any other home remedies would be VERY much appreciated.
When I was in college, my first semester, I was putting on my make up. All of the sudden I started seeing black spots. I thought what in the world is going on? I had no idea. I might have had a handful of migraines before, but never one with an aura (sign of something).
This particular day I began to freak out. It was early in the morning and I seriously thought I was going blind. I couldn't call the doctor because they weren't in yet and it was too early to call my mom. So I went to class.
About half way through my physics class (loaded with very cute boys, including my future husband) I had to RUN out of the room to the bathroom and puke. my. guts. out. It was the strangest thing I had ever experienced. I went back into the classroom somewhat sheepishly, grabbed my stuff, and headed home. My head was pounding and so I did what any college student would do. Took a cocktail of 3 extra strength Excedrin Tylenol, 2 Ibuprofen, covered my eyes, and went to sleep for 6 hours.
By the time I woke up, it was just a dull memory accompanied with a dull headache. I had experienced my first REAL. LIVE. MIGRAINE. Yeah. Throughout college I got them on and off depending on the stress and sugar levels in my blood.
Well they have resurfaced!!!! Can I say how seriously NOT excited I am about this? When I was pregnant with Daxton from about 30 to 36 weeks I experienced about 2-3 migraines a week. I only remember the weeks because I was doing a critical care rotation in nursing school and had one every other day for 4 weeks. Yay.
SO as I enter my 30th week, I am initiated with a repeat cycle of these lovely Ms. I have had 2 this week and it is only Thursday. I could seriously do with some suggestions that work for you all. I don't have the luxury of taking a Tylenol PM, Excedrin, or Percocet (which I think would REALLY work), so any other home remedies would be VERY much appreciated.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"I might go back then"
Last night at work we were discussing "If I could go back and do it all over" when would I go back, how far, and why? I reflected....
I had a great time in college, fun, fantsy free, only myself to worry about. Had some great roommates, learned a lot about myself, made some lifelong friends, and renewed old family relationships :). I might go back then.
When I met my husband. Head over heels in love. Googly eyes and all. It seemed so simple back then as well. I might go back then.
Savannah was born and I felt the love of a mother. To learn, to grow, to be her caregiver and mom. Well we have come a long way. I think I might not go back then :).
Mikenna was born.... ya she cried until she was 9 months and I almost pulled all my hair out and Doug's. She is 5 now and I am not sure I would go back to then either :). We have come a long way.
It is fun to have little girls running around. To see their personalities develop and to grow, even if they are too much like me and we don't always see eye to eye (ok NEVER!!!, grin). I love to see them learning new things, to have friends, to want to do things with friends, to have conversations with them when I lay by them. They continue to develop into cute little big people.
One year, 9 days, and 5 months ago. I would go back in two seconds. I would do it all over again. The joy that Daxton brought into my home will not be long forgotten. He was loved on, doted on, taken care of by his sisters, daddy, uncles, aunts, friends, and of course, me. Even if I new that I was going to lose him at 1 year and 9 days, I wouldn't change one moment of the time I spent with him. The old adage, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Well as my broken heart mends, I can contemplate this thought. I would lose him all over again if it would mean I would have at least 1 year and 9 days with my baby boy. Yes, I would go back then. That is actually where I would go first.
Now, lest you be led astray, I am not sure I could do the last 5 months over again. So I would rewind the 1 year, 9 days, and 5 months, and then skip over that last part.
I had a great time in college, fun, fantsy free, only myself to worry about. Had some great roommates, learned a lot about myself, made some lifelong friends, and renewed old family relationships :). I might go back then.
When I met my husband. Head over heels in love. Googly eyes and all. It seemed so simple back then as well. I might go back then.
Savannah was born and I felt the love of a mother. To learn, to grow, to be her caregiver and mom. Well we have come a long way. I think I might not go back then :).
Mikenna was born.... ya she cried until she was 9 months and I almost pulled all my hair out and Doug's. She is 5 now and I am not sure I would go back to then either :). We have come a long way.
It is fun to have little girls running around. To see their personalities develop and to grow, even if they are too much like me and we don't always see eye to eye (ok NEVER!!!, grin). I love to see them learning new things, to have friends, to want to do things with friends, to have conversations with them when I lay by them. They continue to develop into cute little big people.
One year, 9 days, and 5 months ago. I would go back in two seconds. I would do it all over again. The joy that Daxton brought into my home will not be long forgotten. He was loved on, doted on, taken care of by his sisters, daddy, uncles, aunts, friends, and of course, me. Even if I new that I was going to lose him at 1 year and 9 days, I wouldn't change one moment of the time I spent with him. The old adage, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Well as my broken heart mends, I can contemplate this thought. I would lose him all over again if it would mean I would have at least 1 year and 9 days with my baby boy. Yes, I would go back then. That is actually where I would go first.
Now, lest you be led astray, I am not sure I could do the last 5 months over again. So I would rewind the 1 year, 9 days, and 5 months, and then skip over that last part.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sack of Rocks
Today in Primary, one of the classes had sharing time, it went something like this....
I am the new secretary in the ward, following the master of all masters..... so you can imagine things don't run exactly smoothly in my current state. Well, first of all, I gave the wrong topic to the teacher, or perhaps I didn't even select one at all LOL! And I told the teachers only 10 minutes, when really they have 15, it is just REALLY likely that if a teacher (female) plans a sharing time, it usually amounts to about twice as long as what they had thought was planned. Turns out this time around it was two men..... SO that means I told them 10 minutes and they took 8, so singing time turned out to be EXTRA long :).
Back to the wrong topic. I actually needed what the teacher was teaching to the kids today. He told a story about when he went fishing and his dad caught so many fish he was bragging about it, so the boy and his friends thought it would be funny to fill his dad's bag of fish with a few extra rocks. His dad commented that the bag was sure heavy because of all the fish he had caught. When they got back to camp, his father dumped out the fish and discovered the rocks. The boy was in a bit of trouble..... as you might imagine.
Then he grabbed out a bag (full of rocks) and had one of the cute little 6 year old boys hold it. It weighed likely as much as he did. When asked if it was heavy, he said no, so the teacher let him hold it for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile he had each of the members of his class describe ways to "lighten the load" of this little boy, by discussing acts of service. Some of these were help others, be kind to others, love one another, pray for others, talk to someone at school who didn't have any friends... etc. After each child stated something they were able to remove a rock from the bag and the load of the little boy was lightened. It actually took about 7 rocks before the boy responded that the bag was getting lighter.
As I look back on these last 5 months, wow has it really been 5 months? Have I really be without the most perfect human being I have ever met in my life and ever will for 5 months? Has it really been 5 months since I held him, rocked him, snuggled with him, and thanked my Father in Heaven every day for every single moment I spent with him? Yes, it really has. For every single day in the last 5 months I have picked myself out of bed and carried on, because that it what we do. Carry on in times of trial, even when they seem or are more than we can bear.
I am a firm believer that Father in Heaven answers prayers. He answers them with other people. These people may be friends, family, co workers, strangers, all of which answer our prayers for Him. They perform acts of service; sending cards, a text, a note via email, comment on a blog, visiting teachers, bringing in meals, a QT on a hard day, taking kids swimming or to the park, prayers, fasting in our behalf, SO many. Through all of this and for the last 5 months, my load has been lightened by all of you. All of you my friends and family and fellow bloggers.
I am the new secretary in the ward, following the master of all masters..... so you can imagine things don't run exactly smoothly in my current state. Well, first of all, I gave the wrong topic to the teacher, or perhaps I didn't even select one at all LOL! And I told the teachers only 10 minutes, when really they have 15, it is just REALLY likely that if a teacher (female) plans a sharing time, it usually amounts to about twice as long as what they had thought was planned. Turns out this time around it was two men..... SO that means I told them 10 minutes and they took 8, so singing time turned out to be EXTRA long :).
Back to the wrong topic. I actually needed what the teacher was teaching to the kids today. He told a story about when he went fishing and his dad caught so many fish he was bragging about it, so the boy and his friends thought it would be funny to fill his dad's bag of fish with a few extra rocks. His dad commented that the bag was sure heavy because of all the fish he had caught. When they got back to camp, his father dumped out the fish and discovered the rocks. The boy was in a bit of trouble..... as you might imagine.
Then he grabbed out a bag (full of rocks) and had one of the cute little 6 year old boys hold it. It weighed likely as much as he did. When asked if it was heavy, he said no, so the teacher let him hold it for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile he had each of the members of his class describe ways to "lighten the load" of this little boy, by discussing acts of service. Some of these were help others, be kind to others, love one another, pray for others, talk to someone at school who didn't have any friends... etc. After each child stated something they were able to remove a rock from the bag and the load of the little boy was lightened. It actually took about 7 rocks before the boy responded that the bag was getting lighter.
As I look back on these last 5 months, wow has it really been 5 months? Have I really be without the most perfect human being I have ever met in my life and ever will for 5 months? Has it really been 5 months since I held him, rocked him, snuggled with him, and thanked my Father in Heaven every day for every single moment I spent with him? Yes, it really has. For every single day in the last 5 months I have picked myself out of bed and carried on, because that it what we do. Carry on in times of trial, even when they seem or are more than we can bear.
I am a firm believer that Father in Heaven answers prayers. He answers them with other people. These people may be friends, family, co workers, strangers, all of which answer our prayers for Him. They perform acts of service; sending cards, a text, a note via email, comment on a blog, visiting teachers, bringing in meals, a QT on a hard day, taking kids swimming or to the park, prayers, fasting in our behalf, SO many. Through all of this and for the last 5 months, my load has been lightened by all of you. All of you my friends and family and fellow bloggers.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
So much the same
This pregnancy seems so much the same as Daxton's (except that I am carrying a girl this time and not a boy). Baby sister moves almost as much or more than Daxton did. She is growing like crazy!!! There are many similarities this time. The same doctor, nurses, will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same recovery room.
Many memories flood my mind. Some make me sad, others make me apprehensive, but the same excitement and wonder still abound from what she will be like, who she will look like. It seems lately we have been doing things that I did when I was pregnant with Daxton and now. We went to a park when I was 5 months pregnant with Daxton and just revisited that park a few days ago. I sit in the same waiting room at the doctors office with Mikenna doing the same thing we did before.
As I look at all the one year olds running around with their mothers chasing after them...... well I can't really explain the swelling of emotion or the pangs of missing my one year old. There was one in particular yesterday when I went for a check up. She was 12 months. It didn't bother me when she was running around, but when she started to cry.... oh how I missed Daxton. I miss when he cried in my arms. When he ran into something and came crawling to me or looked up at me with those baby blues. All those thoughts come flooding back.
Did I mention I love to sleep when I am pregnant? Well I still love to sleep now for that reason, but also because I am raising Daxton in my dreams. I don't know if he is getting bigger, but last night I dreamt that I had been away on a trip and I came home. I was so relieved to see him and I didn't put him down. He slept with me, I carried him everywhere, and he was eating like a horse.
I remember one time I was working and had just woken up and gone to my mom's to get the kids. Mom had just put him to bed and he really didn't think that was a good idea so he was protesting LOUDLY in her bedroom in the playpen. I opened the door to the bedroom, walked in, and scooped him up into my arms. Immediately (of course) he settled down. His big crocodile tears dried on his face.... and we snuggled. He was SO tired!!!
Well that is the latest and greatest!
Many memories flood my mind. Some make me sad, others make me apprehensive, but the same excitement and wonder still abound from what she will be like, who she will look like. It seems lately we have been doing things that I did when I was pregnant with Daxton and now. We went to a park when I was 5 months pregnant with Daxton and just revisited that park a few days ago. I sit in the same waiting room at the doctors office with Mikenna doing the same thing we did before.
As I look at all the one year olds running around with their mothers chasing after them...... well I can't really explain the swelling of emotion or the pangs of missing my one year old. There was one in particular yesterday when I went for a check up. She was 12 months. It didn't bother me when she was running around, but when she started to cry.... oh how I missed Daxton. I miss when he cried in my arms. When he ran into something and came crawling to me or looked up at me with those baby blues. All those thoughts come flooding back.
Did I mention I love to sleep when I am pregnant? Well I still love to sleep now for that reason, but also because I am raising Daxton in my dreams. I don't know if he is getting bigger, but last night I dreamt that I had been away on a trip and I came home. I was so relieved to see him and I didn't put him down. He slept with me, I carried him everywhere, and he was eating like a horse.
I remember one time I was working and had just woken up and gone to my mom's to get the kids. Mom had just put him to bed and he really didn't think that was a good idea so he was protesting LOUDLY in her bedroom in the playpen. I opened the door to the bedroom, walked in, and scooped him up into my arms. Immediately (of course) he settled down. His big crocodile tears dried on his face.... and we snuggled. He was SO tired!!!
Well that is the latest and greatest!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Something to think about
I would give everything I own on this earth to see my baby for just one more hour or minute or second or to have held him in my arms when he needed his mommy most. I would give anything to see him tomorrow. I pray that the time will come VERY soon that we will be reunited once more.
And then I think about how long I have waited to come to this earth, to gain a body, to learn, to grow, to be tried, to be tested, to know joy amidst the sorrow, to know good from the evil. This life I have waited for for many years.
Doug and I recently attended the "Time Out" for couples. It was actually pretty good for the most part. Doug Brinley, a well known author and professor at BYU spoke. Some of what he said struck me differently than what he intended I am sure.
***(note the following is just one man's perception, it is in no way shape or form doctrine, just a perspective)
He pointed out that we waited
2000 years from when Christ was born to come to this earth
4000 years from Adam and Eve
7000 years lets say it took to create the earth
1000 years for the eons before our time....
14000 years approximately we have waited to come to this earth, for the 80 +/- years we spend here. 14000 compared to 80.
This threw me a little when I was thinking about it with a different perception. I can wait these few short years. I will be with Daxton for the eternities. This life is but a small moment, thine afflictions are but a small part in this ginormous puzzle of our existence. I can wait. I can do this. I will put my shoulder to the wheel, face my challenges, and win these many daily battles.
I can wait those years to hold my baby again. The promise is sure that if I live righteously, when he rises again to the form that I laid him to rest, I will be able to raise him. I will know he is perfect and will pass the tests. I often think to myself how someone so perfect could be taken from me. I have 1 minute 30 second video I watched tonight with some friends of him in the bath tub. His cute little buns, his perfect little face, big blue eyes, and plushy little lips.
I will see him again. I will hold him again. Someday.... just not now.
And then I think about how long I have waited to come to this earth, to gain a body, to learn, to grow, to be tried, to be tested, to know joy amidst the sorrow, to know good from the evil. This life I have waited for for many years.
Doug and I recently attended the "Time Out" for couples. It was actually pretty good for the most part. Doug Brinley, a well known author and professor at BYU spoke. Some of what he said struck me differently than what he intended I am sure.
***(note the following is just one man's perception, it is in no way shape or form doctrine, just a perspective)
He pointed out that we waited
2000 years from when Christ was born to come to this earth
4000 years from Adam and Eve
7000 years lets say it took to create the earth
1000 years for the eons before our time....
14000 years approximately we have waited to come to this earth, for the 80 +/- years we spend here. 14000 compared to 80.
This threw me a little when I was thinking about it with a different perception. I can wait these few short years. I will be with Daxton for the eternities. This life is but a small moment, thine afflictions are but a small part in this ginormous puzzle of our existence. I can wait. I can do this. I will put my shoulder to the wheel, face my challenges, and win these many daily battles.
I can wait those years to hold my baby again. The promise is sure that if I live righteously, when he rises again to the form that I laid him to rest, I will be able to raise him. I will know he is perfect and will pass the tests. I often think to myself how someone so perfect could be taken from me. I have 1 minute 30 second video I watched tonight with some friends of him in the bath tub. His cute little buns, his perfect little face, big blue eyes, and plushy little lips.
I will see him again. I will hold him again. Someday.... just not now.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Daxton Box
We are working on a "Daxton Box" for the hospital. Daxton was taken to Banner Gateway in Gilbert. They were a phenomenal team and the 'best' were there that day so I am told. However, I don't think it all ran as smoothly from the inside as it appeared on the outside. They were scrambling for blankets, 'death' packets for parents (....), and other items that they didn't expect to need. Being a very new hospital, I doubt they have very many 'traumas' in their ER, let alone little children.
One of the nurses there decided to put together a "Daxton Box" for the ER. This kit contains an assortment of blankets, stuffed animals, and an assortment of other items. For my brother's Eagle Project, he has decided that he wants to expound on this initial idea and make it better. He plans to build a box to represent the "Daxton Box" and we will fill tubs (from Walmart & depending on the response we receive) of Gallon sized baggies with a 12 picture disposable camera, 40 by 40 blanket, stuffed animal, letter from Daniel (my brother) explaining the Eagle Project and reason for doing it, Daxton's funeral program with a note from me on the back, a handprint/ footprint card with an envelope for a lock of hair or clothing.
These "boxes" will be given to families of children most likely up to the age of 4 or 5 to have with them in the hospital. Items selected are those that I wished that we had had on hand. I am going to try to get a picture up soon and a way on the side bar for people to donate items or money so that we can get out as many packets as possible to several different hospitals around the valley.
Anyway, this has been on my mind today as I have sewn 5 blankets for the last hour and a half to donate to these families through the hospital.
One of the nurses there decided to put together a "Daxton Box" for the ER. This kit contains an assortment of blankets, stuffed animals, and an assortment of other items. For my brother's Eagle Project, he has decided that he wants to expound on this initial idea and make it better. He plans to build a box to represent the "Daxton Box" and we will fill tubs (from Walmart & depending on the response we receive) of Gallon sized baggies with a 12 picture disposable camera, 40 by 40 blanket, stuffed animal, letter from Daniel (my brother) explaining the Eagle Project and reason for doing it, Daxton's funeral program with a note from me on the back, a handprint/ footprint card with an envelope for a lock of hair or clothing.
These "boxes" will be given to families of children most likely up to the age of 4 or 5 to have with them in the hospital. Items selected are those that I wished that we had had on hand. I am going to try to get a picture up soon and a way on the side bar for people to donate items or money so that we can get out as many packets as possible to several different hospitals around the valley.
Anyway, this has been on my mind today as I have sewn 5 blankets for the last hour and a half to donate to these families through the hospital.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Mommy, I really want Daxton
PS: This one is for me.It was actually a miracle, tender mercy if you will, that we got these pictures when we did. I told my mom we were all wearing white... I was actually quite snotty about it, if you can believe it (LOL) but I really wanted us all in white. So the girls were in white dresses, Daxton was as he is, and Doug and I wore white shirts with khaki pants. Little did we know these pictures would be posted all over the place and used for his funeral program and the inspiration for so many gifts, friends, and family.
I have a video of Daxton in the bathtub. It is the only 1 minute and 30 seconds that I have of him. The girls love to watch it, they love to see him. They love to hear his voice and they ask for more, so we watch again and again and again. I must admit, that is what I want too. I just wish that I had more, but would it make it easier? Would it relieve the pain? No probably not. It would never be enough.
Today I was cleaning. It is easier now without a toddler toting in my arms. I had a house cleaner on a regular basis because I didn't see any point in putting Daxton down when I could hold him all day and have someone else do the cleaning. Mikenna was thinking... she is a thinker. I hollered for her to go get me the broom (she is sooooo soooo very helpful) and she comes in and says, "Mommy, I really want Daxton." And that is how my day started. I wanted to stop her and talk to her. I usually talk about him and let them talk about him whenever they want. They go in his room and play in his clothes (no, I have not yet put them away), put the babies on his bed and just be. How can I deny them that when that is exactly what I do. I lay on his bed where I used to snuggle him. I stand in his room where I stood so many nights with him. I feel his presence around the house, but most of the memories are there in his room, where so many hours were spent rocking and snuggling and singing all his favorite primary songs.
We were looking at pictures tonight of Daxton and came across the ones of the C section.... Savannah thought the blood was really cool. (I know traumatizing my children early, but Mikenna wants to be a nurse so what better timing than now?) She also liked the ones where I was crying... really all she had to do was just look at the 'water drops' running down my face while we were looking at them. Mikenna said, "Mommy is this when he was in Heaven? His spirit isn't there anymore, is it?" So intuitive. She gets it, she really does. She is a keeper, even when we have knock down, drag out fights..... yes a constant power struggle. We are too much alike.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The things we do....
Went to JoAnn's the other day... to get some yarn for one of my many projects :), and was standing at the checkout line. These lines are always about 10 years long because everyone who needed something that day came at the exact moment that I happened to walk into the store, not to mention there is only one checker, occasionally two. The first checker is in high school and has no care in the world, the other is a cute little grandma who is still in training.
As I am standing in my line that consists of me, the four people in front of me, and the four people in back of me, I pick up a very appealing, complementary magazine. It has many patterns and designs of clothes I would never even dream of making, but they sure are cute. I am perusing this magazine when I happen upon the end. I turn it over to see if there is anything on the back, AND THERE IS!!!
There are so many 40% and 50% off coupons to JoAnn's I think I just might go crazy. Now I am thinking to myself... "don't tell all these other people what I just scored upon, we wouldn't want them to know my 'free' secret." So I inconspicuously place the magazine under my shoulder, after all it is complimentary.
When I get to the checkout the checker says, pointing to my magazine, "Is that yours?" Hello what kind of question is that? Of course it is I am thinking, Well it is now... I reply, "Yes," trying hard NOT to say, "DUH!!" I carefully rip out one of the magically appearing coupons and hand it to her. Actually today I don't need it because the items I am purchasing are on sale. YEAH, I can save them for another day.
I put the magazine and the items in my bag and tote out to the car. I show Doug my good finds and then I show him the coolest magazine, because it has all these coupons on the back and seriously how are all the people in line so DUMB that they didn't see it and use them? He looks the magazine over and sees "Suggested Retail Price $2.99." Boy do I feel like an idiot.
I sheepishly replaced the ripped out coupon and raced into the store (ok the pile outside on display because I seriously can't face the high school cashier whom I previously had thought was oblivious to the world, when really it was ME) placing very carefully my "complimentary magazine" that only costs $2.99 (der) per issue. Wow am I blonde or what? It was a good laugh on an otherwise plain day.
Do you have a laugh to share? Sometimes I have such rotten days that a laugh or humorous story or joke makes me smile. Loves to all!!!
As I am standing in my line that consists of me, the four people in front of me, and the four people in back of me, I pick up a very appealing, complementary magazine. It has many patterns and designs of clothes I would never even dream of making, but they sure are cute. I am perusing this magazine when I happen upon the end. I turn it over to see if there is anything on the back, AND THERE IS!!!
There are so many 40% and 50% off coupons to JoAnn's I think I just might go crazy. Now I am thinking to myself... "don't tell all these other people what I just scored upon, we wouldn't want them to know my 'free' secret." So I inconspicuously place the magazine under my shoulder, after all it is complimentary.
When I get to the checkout the checker says, pointing to my magazine, "Is that yours?" Hello what kind of question is that? Of course it is I am thinking, Well it is now... I reply, "Yes," trying hard NOT to say, "DUH!!" I carefully rip out one of the magically appearing coupons and hand it to her. Actually today I don't need it because the items I am purchasing are on sale. YEAH, I can save them for another day.
I put the magazine and the items in my bag and tote out to the car. I show Doug my good finds and then I show him the coolest magazine, because it has all these coupons on the back and seriously how are all the people in line so DUMB that they didn't see it and use them? He looks the magazine over and sees "Suggested Retail Price $2.99." Boy do I feel like an idiot.
I sheepishly replaced the ripped out coupon and raced into the store (ok the pile outside on display because I seriously can't face the high school cashier whom I previously had thought was oblivious to the world, when really it was ME) placing very carefully my "complimentary magazine" that only costs $2.99 (der) per issue. Wow am I blonde or what? It was a good laugh on an otherwise plain day.
Do you have a laugh to share? Sometimes I have such rotten days that a laugh or humorous story or joke makes me smile. Loves to all!!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Halloween and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Savannah
Today Savannah turned 7 years old!!! Can you believe I have a 7 year old? I sure can't. She brings so much joy to us. She is the life of the party. Tonight she told us all to fold our arms so we could say prayer and then when it was time to open presents she told us OK time to start singing Happy Birthday. It was awesome.
Here is Savannah blowing out her candles. She had told me previously "no cake" so we had pizza and rice krispie treats. For those of you who know what a special diet she is on.... know this about near killed me, but we need to live a little every once in awhile, even if it means to sacrifice before or later.
And Savannah opening her presents. She got away with a loot. Thanks everyone for all the presents! They continually sort and play and sort and play.
Will it never end? Nope. They just kept coming and coming and coming.
This is Savannah at her school halloween party and Bday party. I wish that we could post some more pics, but this is the internet and I must respect the other parents by not posting without their permission. We had dirt pudding for a snack. Savannah was so excited to see us! She introduced us to all the kids in her class. It was great.
We had a visitor in the form of a gorilla. Savannah really took to him. Makes me a little worried about how fearless she really is.
These of course are the scrubs that we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Savannah has on red pants underneath the Thomas tomp. They thought it was something else. I was very happy with how they turned out and will not likely ever touch a sewing machine again :).
Here is Savannah blowing out her candles. She had told me previously "no cake" so we had pizza and rice krispie treats. For those of you who know what a special diet she is on.... know this about near killed me, but we need to live a little every once in awhile, even if it means to sacrifice before or later.
And Savannah opening her presents. She got away with a loot. Thanks everyone for all the presents! They continually sort and play and sort and play.
Will it never end? Nope. They just kept coming and coming and coming.
This is Savannah at her school halloween party and Bday party. I wish that we could post some more pics, but this is the internet and I must respect the other parents by not posting without their permission. We had dirt pudding for a snack. Savannah was so excited to see us! She introduced us to all the kids in her class. It was great.
We had a visitor in the form of a gorilla. Savannah really took to him. Makes me a little worried about how fearless she really is.
These of course are the scrubs that we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Savannah has on red pants underneath the Thomas tomp. They thought it was something else. I was very happy with how they turned out and will not likely ever touch a sewing machine again :).
Friday, October 31, 2008
Why bad things happen to good people
I don't know why said "bad things happen to good people." There is so much tragedy and sorrow all around us. Is it fair? Is it fair that some people suffer more than others? That some people go through life without any faith breaking experiences while some are tried and tried and tried? Is it fair that a mother lose her child and then another? How can that be fair? What is supposed to be learned from a repeated experience that wasn't learned the first time?
I have several friends experiencing really hard times. Two of them have husbands just diagnosed with terminal cancer, another's husband recently committed suicide, another has been battling breast cancer for years with small children, and a dear friend who lost her son to a tragic accident just miscarried at 20 weeks. How do we suffer through our trials and come out on top? How do we make it through the bad times?
I don't have the answers to all these questions. I don't even know where to begin. Since Daxton passed away there seems to be children all around me suffering or being taken back to their Father in Heaven. It is like driving a new car around for the first time, all the Toyota minivans out there now stand out in the same color that you are driving. It seems Father in Heaven is getting ready for something big in Heaven, because I know of at least 25 little angels that have been taken away this summer alone, and those are just the ones I know about.
I don't know how each of these mothers and fathers or spouses or sisters or brothers get up in the morning only to face a new day of heartache to suffer through their trial, but I can speak for myself. There isn't a moment, hour, or day that goes by I don't thank Father in Heaven for the two blessed girls I have on this earth or the angel son I will some day raise in a perfect world. There isn't a day that goes by I don't pray to face another day without Daxton, that I pray for peace to fill my soul that I might not go crazy with all the "what ifs" or new memories we are creating without Daxton. So I guess the one thing that helps me most... is prayer.
Also, all the support from friends and family and fellow bloggers (all of you) who check in on me to see how we are doing, who give up your time, talents, and caramel apples, just to bring a smile to my face. My girls, who get me up each morning to brush teeth, make lunches, get dressed and ready for school. Or who snuggle me when I just need a warm body to hold. My husband who helps me get through the morning when I don't want to get out of bed. He takes care of the girls until I feel like I can face the daily hullabaloo, he holds me when I cry, he shares the grief with me whether silently or openly.
I rely on my Savior. There isn't anyone in this world who knows exactly how I feel. Each mother who has lost a child grieves differently. The only person who knows how I feel is my Savior. He grieves with me. He loves me. He takes care of my baby while I cannot see him. He didn't only suffer for my sins, but for my sorrows as well, and boy did He shed a drop of blood or two for the heartache I have felt. For that I will be eternally grateful.
I have several friends experiencing really hard times. Two of them have husbands just diagnosed with terminal cancer, another's husband recently committed suicide, another has been battling breast cancer for years with small children, and a dear friend who lost her son to a tragic accident just miscarried at 20 weeks. How do we suffer through our trials and come out on top? How do we make it through the bad times?
I don't have the answers to all these questions. I don't even know where to begin. Since Daxton passed away there seems to be children all around me suffering or being taken back to their Father in Heaven. It is like driving a new car around for the first time, all the Toyota minivans out there now stand out in the same color that you are driving. It seems Father in Heaven is getting ready for something big in Heaven, because I know of at least 25 little angels that have been taken away this summer alone, and those are just the ones I know about.
I don't know how each of these mothers and fathers or spouses or sisters or brothers get up in the morning only to face a new day of heartache to suffer through their trial, but I can speak for myself. There isn't a moment, hour, or day that goes by I don't thank Father in Heaven for the two blessed girls I have on this earth or the angel son I will some day raise in a perfect world. There isn't a day that goes by I don't pray to face another day without Daxton, that I pray for peace to fill my soul that I might not go crazy with all the "what ifs" or new memories we are creating without Daxton. So I guess the one thing that helps me most... is prayer.
Also, all the support from friends and family and fellow bloggers (all of you) who check in on me to see how we are doing, who give up your time, talents, and caramel apples, just to bring a smile to my face. My girls, who get me up each morning to brush teeth, make lunches, get dressed and ready for school. Or who snuggle me when I just need a warm body to hold. My husband who helps me get through the morning when I don't want to get out of bed. He takes care of the girls until I feel like I can face the daily hullabaloo, he holds me when I cry, he shares the grief with me whether silently or openly.
I rely on my Savior. There isn't anyone in this world who knows exactly how I feel. Each mother who has lost a child grieves differently. The only person who knows how I feel is my Savior. He grieves with me. He loves me. He takes care of my baby while I cannot see him. He didn't only suffer for my sins, but for my sorrows as well, and boy did He shed a drop of blood or two for the heartache I have felt. For that I will be eternally grateful.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Empty
Sometimes I just don't feel like posting, but I know that I should. I want to someday publish this blog and save it for future generations.... or just my own kids as a record.
Today Mikenna brought home a picture she had drawn at school of "baby sister" and Daxton. She has drawn circles around them. She was quite proud of them.
I went to Home Depot the other day and I walked down the Christmas isle (I am a sucker for Christmas decorations) and I completely lost it. I don't want Christmas to come. I don't want the holidays to come. I wish they would just go away all together. It will just be a reminder of what I had last year and don't have this year.
Well friends, that is all I got for today. Maybe there will be something more profound in there tomorrow, but for now good night.
Today Mikenna brought home a picture she had drawn at school of "baby sister" and Daxton. She has drawn circles around them. She was quite proud of them.
I went to Home Depot the other day and I walked down the Christmas isle (I am a sucker for Christmas decorations) and I completely lost it. I don't want Christmas to come. I don't want the holidays to come. I wish they would just go away all together. It will just be a reminder of what I had last year and don't have this year.
Well friends, that is all I got for today. Maybe there will be something more profound in there tomorrow, but for now good night.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Halloween Costumes
So I don't know how many or you are magic seamstresses or the very creative type.... but I AM SO NOT!!! Every once in awhile I get the notion to "be crafty." Well since I have the unfortunate blessing of having SO much time on my hands, I have picked up a few things.
This year I thought it would be SUPER fun to make Halloween costumes. I had been eyeing some scrubs at the store and thought that that would be fun to make the girls nurses for Halloween. So I roped my friend Trisha into it and we took the kids to buy the fabric.
NOTE: PICK IT OUT FOR THEM... YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT THEY PICK
Savannah picked 'Thomas the Tank Engine' (VERY HIDEOUS), but she loves it. If you ask her what she will is going to be for Halloween, she says, "Thomas the choo choo train." She gets funny looks until I tell them that is what is on her scrubs. A nod of understanding follows.
Mikenna picked out a cute flower pattern... well I talked her into it :). Janey picked out Strawberry Shortcake and said, "Well at least it isn't hideous..... like what my friend? and she says, "Thomas." And Parker of course chose "Cars."
So we began our endeavor of cutting patterns and pinning and sewing. At 4am on Saturday morning, the costumes were complete. Thanks to Kisha and my Grandma (THEY ARE THE SHIZ!!!!!) We couldn't have done it without them. And no folks I don't have a picture. Seriously? I know. Soon, very soon.
The girls all looked adorable and they LOVE LOVE LOVE their scrubs. Which is handy now that they have a pair because I have a BUNCH. And it helps Mikenna wants to be a nurse when she gets big :).
This year I thought it would be SUPER fun to make Halloween costumes. I had been eyeing some scrubs at the store and thought that that would be fun to make the girls nurses for Halloween. So I roped my friend Trisha into it and we took the kids to buy the fabric.
NOTE: PICK IT OUT FOR THEM... YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT THEY PICK
Savannah picked 'Thomas the Tank Engine' (VERY HIDEOUS), but she loves it. If you ask her what she will is going to be for Halloween, she says, "Thomas the choo choo train." She gets funny looks until I tell them that is what is on her scrubs. A nod of understanding follows.
Mikenna picked out a cute flower pattern... well I talked her into it :). Janey picked out Strawberry Shortcake and said, "Well at least it isn't hideous..... like what my friend? and she says, "Thomas." And Parker of course chose "Cars."
So we began our endeavor of cutting patterns and pinning and sewing. At 4am on Saturday morning, the costumes were complete. Thanks to Kisha and my Grandma (THEY ARE THE SHIZ!!!!!) We couldn't have done it without them. And no folks I don't have a picture. Seriously? I know. Soon, very soon.
The girls all looked adorable and they LOVE LOVE LOVE their scrubs. Which is handy now that they have a pair because I have a BUNCH. And it helps Mikenna wants to be a nurse when she gets big :).
Friday, October 24, 2008
Prayers answered and Unanswered
Sometimes prayers aren't always answered in the manner we want them... obviously. It is all in the Lord's time, which is hard for us because we don't really know what that is. When Savannah was born and she was so small and wasn't eating, we prayed every day that she would grow and eat and be healthy. There was a ward fast for her as well where we prayed that she would learn to eat. It wasn't until 3 years later that that prayer was answered. (now be careful what you wish for here, because now I can't get her to stop eating). However, point is that our prayer was answered, maybe not like we thought it should or in the time frame we would have hoped, but it was answered nonetheless.
My prayers are pretty simple as of late. I pray that I will be able to get out of bed, that I will be able to take care of my kids, that I will be able to complete the tasks that I am expected daily. I pray that I will have a good attitude, that I will find peace, that Daxton will be safe, that he will know how much I love him. I continually pray that my girls will be safe. Which leads me to something..... I pray all the time that my kids will be safe... what exactly does that mean? I prayed that Daxton and the girls would be safe when I went to Havasupai. I prayed that all would be well. I prayed like mad each night I was gone that I would return and all would be well. However, in my heart, I knew that it wasn't to be. I didn't really know what would happen. I didn't know the depth or heartache or tragedy that was upon us or to be given to us, but I knew that this time this prayer wouldn't be answered in the way I wanted. (that being said, I knew I had to go. I struggle daily with this) Does that mean that God didn't keep my children safe? Depends on how you look at it. Where is he "better off" so to speak? Where is he truly safer? Honestly? With me, but in reality, with Father in Heaven. So did he keep my kids safe? My reasoning says yes (of course my heart says another).
Some people shy away from prayer when they are having problems, they think that God isn't listening or they are mad at him or something. Honestly? I haven't really felt like that, at all. The first thing I did was pray, it was the only thing I knew how to do right at that moment. I didn't think of anything else that would help. I couldn't of course pray that Daxton would magically come back alive, but I prayed for peace. I prayed that I wouldn't become bitter. I prayed for understanding. I prayed that the "what ifs" and "why mes" would go away. I prayed that all those this had effected would be comforted. I prayed that I would be comforted. I still pray for these things, depending on the day and the triggers.
One particular day I was thinking to myself, 'surely I am not the only person in this whole world who has lost a child.' I actually prayed that I would find those people, that I would be able to relate to them and talk to them and find some comraderie (not really the word i am looking for but it is almost 1am) Not a week later did I find Stephanie, a mom who lost her baby 6 days after Daxton passed away. We emailed, talked on the phone, and then finally met. This may sound terrible, but I slept better that night knowing I was not the only mother that was grieving at that time. Since then I have met countless moms who have lost children. My prayer was answered.
I still long for the peace that will settle in. The understanding that I hope will come. There really isn't anybody who truly "knows" how I feel but Father in Heaven, there really isn't anybody I can pour my heart out to who will really understand the hurt, anger, and grief I feel except for Him. He is the one I cry to the one I draw strength from. Without prayer, I would lose my biggest supporter and then where would I be? who knows.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Welcome Lilly and Layla
I am proud to announce the welcome additions, Lilly and Layla. Layla is with grandma and Lilly is with her Daddy!!! They are adorable. 4#5oz and 4#13oz.... ish. So that was one BIG baby Adri was carrying around. Mom and dad are excited and all is well with the twins. They are on a machine called CPAP, to help keep their airways open. They are on room air, so that is always a plus!!! Don't know what CPAP is? Just imagine putting your head out the window of your car going 50mph and open your mouth. You will have CPAP just like the twins. YEAH!CONGRATS ADRI AND DOUG!!!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Four months out.... ish
So I am about 4 months or so out from losing my precious Daxton. Here are pieces of a post I wrote a few days ago on the "angel blog."
I walk through my house looking at the pictures of my family "before." I know it is still my family a family I will have eternally, but not the same that is still here on earth. The ones that brought me comfort and peace now only bring me heartache of what is not here with me. It is the cold hard picture frame that I caress, not the warm, chubby hands and feet. It is the cold green blanket that I hold, not the warmth of my baby's body. It is the kisses that I dream about, not the wet, slobbery ones I used to get from those luscious lips.
Today is another good day on a slew of good days. Here is how I am this far out.
I still have bad days, but they aren't as intense as they used to be. There isn't so much physical pain as there used to be, the emotional pain isn't as intense. I still think about Daxton every second of every day, but the thoughts of "forgetting him" or needing to take care of him have gone. For example, when I hear a baby cry, I don't usually think it is him, although sometimes I feel the urge to check on him, but it is not as frequent as it used to be.
Some of the "depression" has lifted. If I get a balance of physical, mental, and emotional activity, I can typically make it through the day or week without too much trouble. It is mostly about balance here. I need balance. I feel the need to stay busy, to keep my mind active, to have "projects" which I otherwise would never have time for and be perfectly ok with it. (for instance the 7 blankets I have crocheted or the scrubs I am making for Halloween, but that is for another post).
What can you do for someone who is 4 months out (or me :))?
I still like to talk about Daxton. I hope that I always will. I talk openly about it with the girls and answer all their questions. When we go to the cemetery we ask "What do you remember about Daxton" and we go through each family member. Sometimes the answers are the same and sometimes they are different. You don't necessarily need to ask about him, if I feel comfortable or it comes up, I will mention it. Hopefully that doesn't make one feel uncomfortable when I talk about him.
I like hugs. No pity looks please. Seen enough for a lifetime :), looks of love are always nice and kind and genuine thoughts are much appreciated.
Understand that I do think about Daxton all the time. The gaping hole is starting to heal, but it will never be fully healed. Just because there is a smile on the outside, there is not always a smile on the inside.
I am excited to have another baby. I think it will be "fun." I hope that all works out and it will be bittersweet. I am starting to accept that it is a girl and am almost ok with it. Mikenna made a comment the other day about if it was a boy and it was Daxton who came back.... and I realized that maybe Heavenly Father knows what He is doing by sending me a girl. The other boy will have to wait :).
I walk through my house looking at the pictures of my family "before." I know it is still my family a family I will have eternally, but not the same that is still here on earth. The ones that brought me comfort and peace now only bring me heartache of what is not here with me. It is the cold hard picture frame that I caress, not the warm, chubby hands and feet. It is the cold green blanket that I hold, not the warmth of my baby's body. It is the kisses that I dream about, not the wet, slobbery ones I used to get from those luscious lips.
Today is another good day on a slew of good days. Here is how I am this far out.
I still have bad days, but they aren't as intense as they used to be. There isn't so much physical pain as there used to be, the emotional pain isn't as intense. I still think about Daxton every second of every day, but the thoughts of "forgetting him" or needing to take care of him have gone. For example, when I hear a baby cry, I don't usually think it is him, although sometimes I feel the urge to check on him, but it is not as frequent as it used to be.
Some of the "depression" has lifted. If I get a balance of physical, mental, and emotional activity, I can typically make it through the day or week without too much trouble. It is mostly about balance here. I need balance. I feel the need to stay busy, to keep my mind active, to have "projects" which I otherwise would never have time for and be perfectly ok with it. (for instance the 7 blankets I have crocheted or the scrubs I am making for Halloween, but that is for another post).
What can you do for someone who is 4 months out (or me :))?
I still like to talk about Daxton. I hope that I always will. I talk openly about it with the girls and answer all their questions. When we go to the cemetery we ask "What do you remember about Daxton" and we go through each family member. Sometimes the answers are the same and sometimes they are different. You don't necessarily need to ask about him, if I feel comfortable or it comes up, I will mention it. Hopefully that doesn't make one feel uncomfortable when I talk about him.
I like hugs. No pity looks please. Seen enough for a lifetime :), looks of love are always nice and kind and genuine thoughts are much appreciated.
Understand that I do think about Daxton all the time. The gaping hole is starting to heal, but it will never be fully healed. Just because there is a smile on the outside, there is not always a smile on the inside.
I am excited to have another baby. I think it will be "fun." I hope that all works out and it will be bittersweet. I am starting to accept that it is a girl and am almost ok with it. Mikenna made a comment the other day about if it was a boy and it was Daxton who came back.... and I realized that maybe Heavenly Father knows what He is doing by sending me a girl. The other boy will have to wait :).
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wanted to share
I wanted to share some words of strength. I have had better days and weeks and months. Today and most every day are daily reminders of what I have lost, of what I will not see again in this life. I miss Daxton, of course I miss him. I also realize I have other children, other responsibilities. I continue to daily relearn how to live life without my little baby. I am still learning. I think it will be a lifelong process. I hope that one day it is easier. That instead of sorrow in my eyes when I see pictures or talk of Daxton, it will be replaced with joy. Joy in the memories, joy that I will see him again, joy that I still have my life left to live here on this earth.
From the early days, the intense physical and real emotional pain has been replaced with a softer sorrow. A softer grieving. When there is grief and tears (which there are), the tears are not as bitter, they are not as gut wrenching (well not as frequently), and it doesn't typically last for days like it used to. There isn't ALWAYS a dark cloud over my head. There are times of peace and comfort and even a desire to serve others as I have been served. This has been a long time coming. I am glad that pieces of my old self are meeting pieces of my "new" self and coming together in a nice little compromise. :).
Due to possible inaccuracies in my notes of Elder Hollands Stake Conf. talk and being that my notes are my interpretation of what he taught, I've decided to pull them from the web...Doug
From the early days, the intense physical and real emotional pain has been replaced with a softer sorrow. A softer grieving. When there is grief and tears (which there are), the tears are not as bitter, they are not as gut wrenching (well not as frequently), and it doesn't typically last for days like it used to. There isn't ALWAYS a dark cloud over my head. There are times of peace and comfort and even a desire to serve others as I have been served. This has been a long time coming. I am glad that pieces of my old self are meeting pieces of my "new" self and coming together in a nice little compromise. :).
Due to possible inaccuracies in my notes of Elder Hollands Stake Conf. talk and being that my notes are my interpretation of what he taught, I've decided to pull them from the web...Doug
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Come what may and Love it
Elder Wirthlin, one of our apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke in a semi annual conference this last month and his words were, "Come what may and love it." His mother had spoken these words to him after a tumultuous game of football at the University of Utah that didn't have the expected outcome they would have hoped.
This was the title of his talk, "Come what may and love it." I have pondered this thought many times and for long periods of time. While Daxton's passing is part of the "Come what may," I don't think I love it. I love him, but I don't love that he is gone. Maybe someday his passing will be bittersweet, but I don't know that I will ever "love it."
However, there are a lot of other things that I can put that phrase to. Like the spilled milk on my brand new clean and spotless floors. Like the spilled chocolate all over the counter because Savannah wanted to see what was in the bowl that everyone was licking from. Like all the toys falling from the shelf because the girls were playing dumping dodo heads. Like the broken cups, plates, or even the hand molds. Like the money stolen from my account (which has since been put back in thankfully), or the twisted ankle. All of these things are daily and "Come what may, I can love them."
We are all given trials and while some are not the ones we would have chosen, our attitudes are what define us. Our attitudes will define how we deal with the trial, grief, and sorrow. Our perspectives will depend on our attitudes and even vice versa. What will we learn from our trials? How will we learn to "love it?" or better yet, embrace them, accept them?
This was the title of his talk, "Come what may and love it." I have pondered this thought many times and for long periods of time. While Daxton's passing is part of the "Come what may," I don't think I love it. I love him, but I don't love that he is gone. Maybe someday his passing will be bittersweet, but I don't know that I will ever "love it."
However, there are a lot of other things that I can put that phrase to. Like the spilled milk on my brand new clean and spotless floors. Like the spilled chocolate all over the counter because Savannah wanted to see what was in the bowl that everyone was licking from. Like all the toys falling from the shelf because the girls were playing dumping dodo heads. Like the broken cups, plates, or even the hand molds. Like the money stolen from my account (which has since been put back in thankfully), or the twisted ankle. All of these things are daily and "Come what may, I can love them."
We are all given trials and while some are not the ones we would have chosen, our attitudes are what define us. Our attitudes will define how we deal with the trial, grief, and sorrow. Our perspectives will depend on our attitudes and even vice versa. What will we learn from our trials? How will we learn to "love it?" or better yet, embrace them, accept them?
One of "those" days
Today we went to the cemetery and took the girls. We each went around and said what we missed about Daxton and liked to do with him when he was alive.
Savannah said she liked to change his diaper, get his clothes, change his clothes, get his pajama bottoms, making him a bottle, and then finishes with "that's all, what you say daddy?"
Doug then says that he liked to take him outside to the garden and play with the wind chimes. Mikenna pipes up and says, "me too, mommy, I liked to do those things with him too." She also said she liked to watch a movie with him and help him and change his diaper and go on walks with him in his pink stroller.
Savannah then turns to me and says, "what you say mommy?" I couldn't really say anything, not that I don't have things I miss, but the only one right then as I was holding Mikenna was that I just missed holding him and snuggling him and smelling him.
Now I would say I miss him at my feet. I miss being tied down at home because he was taking a nap. I miss having smelly diapers fill the house. I miss that I had to follow him around all day. I miss his cries, I miss his whines. I miss his toys all over the floor or him getting stuck in the refrigerator. I miss him dumping out the plastic silverware in the pantry. I miss all the annoying parts. I miss all the happy parts. I miss worrying about him. I miss his chubby feet and hands, his slobbery kisses, and just the way he felt in my arms. Today I just miss him.
Savannah said she liked to change his diaper, get his clothes, change his clothes, get his pajama bottoms, making him a bottle, and then finishes with "that's all, what you say daddy?"
Doug then says that he liked to take him outside to the garden and play with the wind chimes. Mikenna pipes up and says, "me too, mommy, I liked to do those things with him too." She also said she liked to watch a movie with him and help him and change his diaper and go on walks with him in his pink stroller.
Savannah then turns to me and says, "what you say mommy?" I couldn't really say anything, not that I don't have things I miss, but the only one right then as I was holding Mikenna was that I just missed holding him and snuggling him and smelling him.
Now I would say I miss him at my feet. I miss being tied down at home because he was taking a nap. I miss having smelly diapers fill the house. I miss that I had to follow him around all day. I miss his cries, I miss his whines. I miss his toys all over the floor or him getting stuck in the refrigerator. I miss him dumping out the plastic silverware in the pantry. I miss all the annoying parts. I miss all the happy parts. I miss worrying about him. I miss his chubby feet and hands, his slobbery kisses, and just the way he felt in my arms. Today I just miss him.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
If Daxton were still alive....
As I was getting ready today, a thought occurred to me, rare I know :). I was pondering the $500 someone stole out of my account (who know how), or the bad hair day I had, or the hand mold that broke, or the fact that I am having a girl and not a boy, and thought if only Daxton were alive I would be happy about all of these things and they wouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but they would because I wouldn't have the death of a child to put it all into perspective. These things in the long run, don't really matter...
Then I remembered that even when I had Daxton all of these things were a big deal. I didn't have anything to compare them to as far as "what could be worse." It was interesting to have this thought. I yelled at my kids, thought a clean house was number one on my list, ran errands like a crazy woman, and day to day things became monotonous before Daxton died.
Now that I am 3 months out I can see the changes in my life since Daxton's passing. I yell at my kids less, my house isn't always clean (but I have more time to do it) but it isn't number one, I don't run as many errands, and the day to day things are more precious to me. I have more compassion for those who are suffering from any trial or circumstance in their life. While I didn't consider myself less than compassionate, I now have a new understanding of grief, trials, growing, and increasing faith from life changing events or just the "average" trial in a person't life.
I admit that these things might have taken a lifetime for me to learn rather than in the passed 4 months. While this was not a welcome trial, I have sure learned so much from it. I still think that "if Daxton was alive, I would be so much more happy." Yes I might be, but I wouldn't know the sorrow of missing him and the pure love I have for him that he is gone. The unending sorrow would be taken away, but I would still find things to make me unhappy I am sure. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes.
Loves to all. I will be out of town until Sat afternoon, but will post when I get back. :)
Then I remembered that even when I had Daxton all of these things were a big deal. I didn't have anything to compare them to as far as "what could be worse." It was interesting to have this thought. I yelled at my kids, thought a clean house was number one on my list, ran errands like a crazy woman, and day to day things became monotonous before Daxton died.
Now that I am 3 months out I can see the changes in my life since Daxton's passing. I yell at my kids less, my house isn't always clean (but I have more time to do it) but it isn't number one, I don't run as many errands, and the day to day things are more precious to me. I have more compassion for those who are suffering from any trial or circumstance in their life. While I didn't consider myself less than compassionate, I now have a new understanding of grief, trials, growing, and increasing faith from life changing events or just the "average" trial in a person't life.
I admit that these things might have taken a lifetime for me to learn rather than in the passed 4 months. While this was not a welcome trial, I have sure learned so much from it. I still think that "if Daxton was alive, I would be so much more happy." Yes I might be, but I wouldn't know the sorrow of missing him and the pure love I have for him that he is gone. The unending sorrow would be taken away, but I would still find things to make me unhappy I am sure. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes.
Loves to all. I will be out of town until Sat afternoon, but will post when I get back. :)
Monday, October 6, 2008
Little Children
I wonder how little children perceive death. One day they see someone and the next they don't. They go to the cemetery, see all the pretty flowers, and mom and dad or loved ones talk about the one who is missing. We get teary eyed as we try to remember and teach the kids we will once again see that person again.
As much as we talk to Mikenna and Savannah, I wonder how much they actually miss their baby brother that was only here a short time, how much they really understand, and how much they actually grieve.
Here is a little insight into Mikenna's grieving.... When she prays, she blesses Daxton that he will know how much we love him and miss him. Tonight after her prayer she said to Daddy, "I really want Daxton to come back."
To which Doug replied, "Me too, Why do you want him to come back?"
She says, "Because I love him."
Sometimes I think that she walks around the house, just waiting to see her baby brother. She totes her "baby asher" wherever we go, in the carseat next to her, on the couch next to her, tonight, she put Daxton's bear on her bed and said, "Daddy I am going to put this bear on my bed and pretend Daxton is there with me tonight. He isn't really though Daddy, just for pretends."
Oh my sweet baby, I bet he is there next to you tonight.
As much as we talk to Mikenna and Savannah, I wonder how much they actually miss their baby brother that was only here a short time, how much they really understand, and how much they actually grieve.
Here is a little insight into Mikenna's grieving.... When she prays, she blesses Daxton that he will know how much we love him and miss him. Tonight after her prayer she said to Daddy, "I really want Daxton to come back."
To which Doug replied, "Me too, Why do you want him to come back?"
She says, "Because I love him."
Sometimes I think that she walks around the house, just waiting to see her baby brother. She totes her "baby asher" wherever we go, in the carseat next to her, on the couch next to her, tonight, she put Daxton's bear on her bed and said, "Daddy I am going to put this bear on my bed and pretend Daxton is there with me tonight. He isn't really though Daddy, just for pretends."
Oh my sweet baby, I bet he is there next to you tonight.
Friday, October 3, 2008
These words
Today I need these words. I often post what I need to hear myself. What I need to learn or relearn. I was reading in Fran Hafen's, Joy Cometh in the Morning, and came across some thoughts that I REALLY needed to hear last night. After a slew of "good" days, I had a really bad one. These are the words and thoughts I wanted to share.
The only way I get through the day is the Doctrine AND prayer of course. The Doctrine that I will raise him if I am worthy.
The only way I get through the day is the Doctrine AND prayer of course. The Doctrine that I will raise him if I am worthy.
That “all person’s born on this earth will be resurrected… [and his] spirit and body shall be reunited again in its perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame.” (Alma 11:42-45)
President Joseph F. Smith taught: “The body will come forth as it is laid to rest, for there is no growth or development in the grave. As it is laid down, so will it arise, and changes to perfection will come by the law of restitution. But the spirit will continue to expand and develop, and the body, after resurrection, will develop to the full stature of man.”
This and prayer are what get me out of bed in the morning. Without this knowledge that I would see and raise my son, (just not now) I would surely break in two.
The promise from Joseph Smith: “The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grown to the full measure of stature of its spirit… When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test.”
Of course I will only be given this chance if I live worth and righteously. I read something the other day again by Joseph Smith, “if parents are righteous [they can raise their children]… Little children who die, whose parents are not worthy of an exaltation, will be adopted into families of those who are worthy.”
While some of this is abstract at times for me, in order for me to maintain a certain measure of assurance and sanity, I cling to the promises made to me. It also inspires me to continue to muddle my way through life doing the best that I can in order to live with my son again.
For those of you who read this who have lost a child, I couldn't read doctrine for a long time, it just hurt to much to read much more than a no brainer, escape novel. I recently picked this up and have just plowed through it.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Discovered Quote
"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls
will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
Neil A. Maxwell
will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
Neil A. Maxwell
I think I have heard this or read this quote at least a dozen times, but today I really read it.
My favorite time of the night or morning rather is from 730 to 9am. I love to lay in bed and do nothing. I don't know why that is, maybe it is because I don't want the day to start, maybe I don't want to face the truth. So often I have peaceful dreams of holding my little one, that I don't want the moment to end, I don't want to open my eyes. Because it is silent. So silent. It seems cruel to get out of bed and start the day without my Daxton.
I have picked up a few little "hobbies" if you will, some I never dreamed I would start, continue, or whatever. It is because of the extra time I have on my hands. Most people would beg for the "freedom" I have. I would beg for it to be the other way around. As it is, I have Savannah in school all day and Mikenna in a half day. I can tote her easily and for the most part she is fun to be around. Refreshing almost. She is easy, doesn't require much attention per se and so this leaves us side by side completing our own projects.
There would not have been enough time in the world for me to do what I do now if Daxton were still alive. All the attention I gave him (lovingly and UNregrettfully) required much of my time. To this day I have no regrets of that nor did I when he was with me. However such as it is, I am left without him to tend. I have learned to sew (kind of, I am definitely a work in progress), crochet, and I have picked back up my scrapbooking (of Daxton of course :)). I also have a VERY clean house, which only takes me 2 hours (and I am FREE).
Still there remains the "cavity which suffering [has] carved into [my] soul." I have looked back on the first moments when I received the "call." I actually wrote down about 2 pages of feelings of that day. I can barely read them without a translator or a box of kleenex. I have also kept a journal from that day until now. Looking back I can see the grief and sorrow from the depths of my soul. I can see how lost and alone I felt at times. I also know that it is in those moments that I was not alone. I have since had many good days and the bad days are less frequent. The cavity in my soul is not lessened or filled with "joy".... yet. But it is not any deeper either, and for that I am grateful.
One day I will wake up and Daxton will be a twinkle in my eye and there will remain there only the joyful moments of his life with bittersweet moments of his death and the time I will be able to raise him. I await the day when the "cavity in my soul" will be a "receptacle of joy."
My favorite time of the night or morning rather is from 730 to 9am. I love to lay in bed and do nothing. I don't know why that is, maybe it is because I don't want the day to start, maybe I don't want to face the truth. So often I have peaceful dreams of holding my little one, that I don't want the moment to end, I don't want to open my eyes. Because it is silent. So silent. It seems cruel to get out of bed and start the day without my Daxton.
I have picked up a few little "hobbies" if you will, some I never dreamed I would start, continue, or whatever. It is because of the extra time I have on my hands. Most people would beg for the "freedom" I have. I would beg for it to be the other way around. As it is, I have Savannah in school all day and Mikenna in a half day. I can tote her easily and for the most part she is fun to be around. Refreshing almost. She is easy, doesn't require much attention per se and so this leaves us side by side completing our own projects.
There would not have been enough time in the world for me to do what I do now if Daxton were still alive. All the attention I gave him (lovingly and UNregrettfully) required much of my time. To this day I have no regrets of that nor did I when he was with me. However such as it is, I am left without him to tend. I have learned to sew (kind of, I am definitely a work in progress), crochet, and I have picked back up my scrapbooking (of Daxton of course :)). I also have a VERY clean house, which only takes me 2 hours (and I am FREE).
Still there remains the "cavity which suffering [has] carved into [my] soul." I have looked back on the first moments when I received the "call." I actually wrote down about 2 pages of feelings of that day. I can barely read them without a translator or a box of kleenex. I have also kept a journal from that day until now. Looking back I can see the grief and sorrow from the depths of my soul. I can see how lost and alone I felt at times. I also know that it is in those moments that I was not alone. I have since had many good days and the bad days are less frequent. The cavity in my soul is not lessened or filled with "joy".... yet. But it is not any deeper either, and for that I am grateful.
One day I will wake up and Daxton will be a twinkle in my eye and there will remain there only the joyful moments of his life with bittersweet moments of his death and the time I will be able to raise him. I await the day when the "cavity in my soul" will be a "receptacle of joy."
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