Welcome Baby Scarlett!

I hope that you all had a Merry Christmas. Mine was a bit stressful to say the least! As hard as I tried, I was unable to get everything ready for Christmas before baby sister came. I started shopping in October for goodness sake! And I still didn't make the cut. Owell. Baby sister, Scarlett Ann Kunz, made her entrance onto this earth 5 days early.

I had been feeling some cramping and incisional pain (which can be indicative of a c section window... thinning uterus) and I was a little worried, so I went to the hospital. They called my OB and he said, "well you can either come back on Friday or we can do this tonight (sunday)" Um, DUH!!! Did he just give me the option to get this baby out NOW?!?!? Oh he sure did. I was an emotional wreck. I always get really nervous towards the end of my pregnancies, because I am fully aware of all the things that can go wrong and that crap happens even after crap happens.... So I just wanted my baby out while I could feel her moving.

I do hate getting the whole spinal thing and laying on the table, only to have my insides wacked open. I have seen C sections. I know what they are like and I am no fool that that is exactly what I have been through 5 TIMES!!! Actually, this time, I got to watch the whole thing. You see, the light above me had a perfect mirror that I could look at and see just about everything that I wanted/didn't want to. It was pretty cool, aside from the fact that it was me that I was watching being sliced open. It was a little bit disconcerting. I told the anesthesiologist that I was feeling a little bit queasy.... she told me that I had been given meds for that.... HA!!! It was because I was literally getting sick to my stomach watching :) guilty as charged. I just closed my eyes for a moment, but seeing that I am a nurse and I am totally fascinated by blood and guts, it wasn't for long.

Ok. All that was officially TMI, but at least I gave you the edited version.

So back to the stress of it all. Scarlett came a few days early and I spent 4 GLORIOUS days in the hospital. Many peeps can't stand being there, too many people in and out bothering you, but honestly, it isn't like you get peace and quiet at home and who doesn't love a little room service. I did feel bad calling the aides to change my bed or clean my bathroom or bring me some ice water or some pain meds or calling room service for food.... but hey it could be WORSE! The food wasn't bad at all, the room was pretty large, and mostly everyone was accommodating. I would do it again, although I am not entirely sure I want to have another surgery for it.

Side Note***(We planned a "surprise birthday" for Doug. It was Mikenna's idea. She said, "mom I want to have a surprise party for dad, we can decorate for him, make a cake, and have hats and balloons and then he can come in and we can say, 'Happy Birthday'" It was ADORABLE)

After I came home, I over did it just like always. Too much shopping, too much walking, too much too soon, and I landed myself back in bed for 2 days, sleeping, lights out, and no food (but not before we celebrated Doug's birthday). I was absolutely on my death bed, but I survived just in time to wake up and finish Christmas shopping, and plan our 4 family parties in a row. I seriously don't know how I survived. This season was miserable and perfect all at the same time.

New Sister in the House!

So I was thinking that it is a good thing I blog alot, because what else are you going to do for entertainment but read my blog... oh and then I realized that I DON'T BLOG alot... I need to do better because really this is kind of the place I go to to see what's been going on in my life. And maybe that is the problem! Too much has been going on. I wish I could tell you all here what exactly has transpired in the last 4 months, but seriously that would be way to much swearing out all of my frustrations and you quite frankly might be offended or think less of me and surely we can't have that.

I guess I'll keep to safer topics, like my NEW ADDITION to our little familial unit. Baby sister came a few days early. I didn't so much go into labor as I was (trying to get out of working) feeling some searing pain in my incision and spoke with a friend who is an L and D nurse and told me I should go to triage ASAP. After we got a hold of the doctor he said, "well you can deliver now or come back on Friday" Um... DID YOU JUST GIVE ME THE OPTION??? Yesiree he did and of course I said Yes to his offer, hurry it along before you change your mind!

And he did.

Scarlett Ann Kunz
Born: December 11, 2011
Weight: 6 pounds 5 ounces 2
Length: 20 inches

She is a lover. We will keep her. She has been such a sweet baby so far... even though she thinks if her eyes are open that her tummy should be being filled. Makes for some long days, but she is so sweet, I oblige... that is every 3 hours. See as a nurse we put our babies on a schedule, every 3 hours, and I guess that carries over to motherhood for me. Call me mean, but its about all I can handle with all the other wee ones wanting for my attention.

SO without further ado... Here is my Christmas present!

PS We all fight and argue about who is going to hold her... We just LOVE LOVE LOVE her.

Miracles

Today I am grateful for Miracles.

I am grateful for the big ones and the small ones.
Each day is a miracle.
Every day that my kids wake up is a miracle.
Every time I drop them off for school and they have a good day, it is a miracle.
Every time Isabella smiles at me and says, "Mommy gimme a kiss," it is a miracle.
Every day in the summer when my air conditioner would kick on, it was a miracle.
Each time a baby is born into our family or another's, it is a miracle.
The little girl that I am carrying inside me is a miracle.
Each child under my care and protection is a miracle.
Every pay check we receive, is a miracle.
The fact that Doug and I both have jobs, is a miracle.

Yes. Today, I am grateful for miracles.

PS Say an extra prayer tonight for a mother who lost her 17 month old son to a tragic household accident, and be sure to give each of your little miracles an extra kiss and squeeze today.

In my shoes...or yours

It is interesting all the different shoes we wear. Actually, to be honest, I only have like 4 pairs of shoes... did I say that out loud? I wish I were into shoes. Heck, I wish I were into fashion. I wish I knew what to where. When. And how.

I look at my most fashionable friends (who tolerate my very SAD wardrobe) and think, I wonder where they got that cute shirt or how they knew to put that sweater with that shirt with those pants and shoes, and all those accessories are SO fun... alas, I am SO not clued into fashion. And its mostly unfortunate for my family :).

Although I do think that I can put together a somewhat cute outfit with my kids. But I think they are going to be doomed to the 4 shoe thing as well. But then maybe they will, despite all odds, develop a fashion sense. Isabella already has to have a pink shirt, pink pants, pink underpants (she calls them), and pink shoes... oh dear. I know what your thinking. "That's a lot of pink." And your right. It is. Especially when it's polka dots, striped, plaid, and solid :).

Back to the shoes. We all have a pair of shoes that fit us only the way a shoe can. Like my running shoe for example. It fits me like a glove. It pronates with me. It supinates with me. It runs heel toe or toe heel with me. One time I tried running in someone else's shoe. You see, I forgot my shoes at home. And these ones looked like ones that I could like and get used to. But, they hurt my feet. I had blisters, shin splints, and sore feet all day. We did not mesh. At. All.

Shoes are kinda like the trials we have in our lives. Sometimes we might look at someone else's shoe and say, wow that is a cute shoe! I wish I could have that shoe instead of mine. And then we put it on and our feet get all curly, our legs hurt, our back hurts, and our feet hurt. Not such a good idea in the end. So we go back to our own shoes. The ones we know. The ones we love/the ones that we hate. And we continue to wear them day after day. Even if we think we'd like to wear someone else's shoes, we really only just want to wear our own.

Today I am grateful for my own shoes.

Baby #5

Let's talk baby number 5 and why I haven't blogged for so long...

I looked back and I have been less than pretty sparse over the last 7 months. And I can attribute it only to hormones and being SUPER MISERABLE. Not as miserable as most but miserable enough as some.

There have been a lot of days in the last 7 months that I would like to erase. Being down in the dumps like Ellaphamumps (one of my fave books to read to the kids) is no fun. I get it. A little. But I get it. Some days its hard to get out of bed and do stuff, so lately I have been trying to fill my days with stuff to keep me busy. I have also tried to simplify. Can I say that in the same sentence? Being busy and simplifying?

We repainted our house (I should get some pics up, but I don't amount to much compared to pinterest), been canning stuff like crazy, peaches, apples, applesauce, pears, chicken, butter... you name it. I been trying it. Keeps my mind in a good place :)

Also, I have pregnancy induced carpal tunnel and it is the WORST. THING. EVER. I have had it before, but never like I have it this pregnancy. I can't sleep, type, sit, stand, lay down, sleep on my right, or my left, or my back, or braid the girls hair, or chop veggies, cook dinner, put a pony in my hair, blow dry my hair (I can now proudly say I go without washing my hair for up to 5 days, because I literally CAN'T do it without shooting pains fingertips to shoulders). It's positively awful. I know. WAAAAAA!!!! but it's my blog, I can WAAAAAAA all I want :).

I am however, grateful for the VERY active peanut that is miraculously growing inside me, even though she kicks me ALL day and gets the hiccups regularly.

Bella Boo Bop

The other day we were all sitting around the table and Isabella started blowing into the air. I said,
"Isabella, What are you doing?"
She says, "Blowing down the house." And she continued to blow into the air.
Then Mikenna started blowing into the air and at the same time, Macey (our dog) started barking outside the back door.
Doug said, "Oh no, even Macey is scared that the house is going to blow down."
Isabella curled up her face, started scrambling out of her high chair, and said, "I no want our house to blow down, I want mommy."
It was so adorable and HILARIOUS and terrifying all at the same time :).

***Warning***
This story may not be suitable for everyone.

The other day I walked into the girls' bathroom and notice an unflushed toilet, which is not an uncommon occurrence in our house... we are still working on flushing toilets after we potty... all of us :)
So I noticed that there was some #2 in the potty and said, "Isabella, Did you go poo in the potty?" Isabella, "Yes, I went like this (and she scrunches up her face and starts to grunt) and pushed really hard, and it came out."

Totally straight faced. I seriously almost died!

Just like her dad.

I will have you know that these pictures were taken at 830PM. They look like they are NEVER going to go to bed... but they are SO. DARN. CUTE.
I am pretty grateful for the little girl who healed a little piece of my very broken heart and who brings a smile to our faces every moment she is awake.

One more think

I know that I should be grateful today because it's November and by golly we should be grateful in November because it's Thanksgiving.

But I am just fit to be tied. We had a meeting with "the team" at Savannah's school and I was seriously less than impressed. It seems as though it gets harder and harder the older that Savannah gets to find people who will love her and be good to her.

I have turned into "Mama Bear" and she is not a fun person to mess with. Trust me. You all know. When the Mama Bear comes out you better watch out.

So after all these meetings of spending time with the principal, the psychologist, the teacher, the parent advocate, and Doug and I, I am still left to wonder if any of it will make a difference or sink in. It is all just so frustrating.

As I sat there, the teacher tried to tell me that since she had a friend with a child who had Prader Willi, she had SO much experience on the matter and that I had none. I just live, breathe, eat, and sleep daily PWS... but it's all in my head. I am sorry. WHAT?!?!?!?! And that we really need to find a way to get Savannah's behaviors under control (we have had like 100 good days and 5 bad days.... but when the bad days come, they are REALLY bad, not going to lie). We need to find a way at school to handle them... so STOP suspending her!!!

The suggestion came up that she be put in a time out padded room that is more like a closet than a room. I am SORRY?!?!?!?!? At first I thought that was a good idea, and the more I thought about it the more ludicrous I thought it was. If it comes to that... I am just not sure what I will do.

So I guess today I am grateful for the parent advocate that went to the meeting today with us.

Savannah Banana

Oh my little Savannah is a stinker pot. She gives me so much grief and trouble and sometimes I just want to sell her (as she says). But I would never do it! I read on a friend's blog that

"God doesn't give strong parents special needs children, He gives weak parents special needs children to help make them strong."

It isn't too far from the truth. My mother in law once told me, "ya know? I think that everyone needs to have a special needs child so that they can truly understand the mother and the child and be nice to them." I totally agree. There are some things I wouldn't wish on others... but I sure wish there was a little more understanding in all this from others.

Savannah was at school on Wednesday and got a piece of candy from Mikenna before school (not sure how this even happened without my knowlege... turkies!!!) and then proceeded to eat it out on the playground, which apparently is unacceptable. So the aide chased after my Savannah (who is like 3 feet tall, but quick as a whip) and was unsuccessful in the catching of her... so her teacher thought that she would take a gander at it and finally caught up with her.

Seriously? If you can run a 20 minute mile you can CATCH SAVANNAH! She got pretty far before she was finally tracked down, and she was quite upset as you might imagine. Someone was TAKING AWAY HER FOOD!!! Um. That's a no brainer. LET IT GO!! (unless you are me and you know how to reason with her).

Well she was pretty upset as you might imagine a starving ethiopian child might be if you took their last scrap of bread from them and she threw her teacher's glasses on the ground and scratched them pretty good.

#1. Don't take food from Savannah.

#2 Don't take food from Savannah.

#3. Don't get at eye level to Savannah if you have glasses (this is a lesson that should have been previously learned but was apparently was not)

So she spent 1.5 hours in the principals office convincing him NOT to call her mother because "She is pregnant and sick" and "she has to work tonight as a nurse, so she is sleeping." Well isn't she a bright little thing. Well in all the "chaos" of the kids coming in and out of his office, he didn't have time to call me... um... what about the 2 secretaries in the office or the PERSONAL secretary he HAS!!!??? They were too busy to call me? Seriously? Are you stinking kidding me?

Very irritating. He called me about 2 hours after school was out and told me that he was suspending Savannah.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

It wasn't even her fault!! It actually was a breakdown at home that was MY fault and exacerbated by the teacher when she just couldn't let it go.

I by no means think that my little princess is a little princess 24/7, but there are certain things things that you just need to let go.

It was a little frustrating because I worked Thursday night and that was day she was suspended! So I had to blow threw my list of people to ask to watch her for 3 hours while I took a nap (which is no easy task, but one that if you have the opportunity to take YOU SHOULD!!!) Thanks to a saint of a friend, I was able to fill the position, promising promise after promise :) to repay the debt, and really its a debt, because when you are in a pickle, you will do just about anything for the person who gets you out of the pickle jar.

**post this post: On Monday we went back to school and the little stink pot got suspended AGAIN!!! Wow she is really working this system, all she has to do is act naughty and then she gets to come home, fun right?

Nope. Today she was Cinderella for a day :) scrubbing floors, folding laundry, doing dishes, picking up dog poop, dusting, and anything else that we could think of that wasn't fun... hopefully she is learning that it isn't any funner to be at home than it is at school... Maybe the school should learn to LISTEN TO ME!!!

So today I am thankful for this little squirt (and the friend who saved my bacon):

My Hubby - He's the Best

I can't even tell you how great my husband is. I wish I could. It would take many lunas (that's moon in spanish)

I went to Time Out for Women a bit ago and he stayed home with the kids. Which he does on a fairly regular basis when I work or am off doing many of the other things that we get to do/or don't do as mommies.

Anywho, it was the ward Daddy Daughter hike, which he was in charge of and so he got the girls all dressed in their hats, shoes, 3 layers of clothes, and coats so that they would be warm. Oh and he packed lunches, water bottles and extra items to make sure they were comfortable.

It was a 3 mile hike and Isabella refused to walk for any of it, in her defense, it was VERY cold (well at least for our warm AZ bones), so Doug packed her in the backpack (for kids) that he brought, both ways, up and down. It was a little rocky for Savannah so he ended up packing her down as well. He put her in the backpack and carried Isabella on the front. What a saint. He is very tired and sore :).

That is just one of the many things they did that weekend, other fun things consisted of making popcorn and having a partay with the girls, usually involves a movie and staying up late :), going to grandmas, taking Macey (our dog) for walk, and playing at the park. My girls adore their dad... and so do I. We are just missing one handsome little would be 4 year old Daxton to fill in the gap. Someday... just not today.

I know. My husband pretty much rocks. Oh and the house was CLEAN when I got home :) Bonus points.

Looking a little bit tired :)

It's NOVEMBER!!

I spose since it is the month of November that I should start thinking of all the things that I am grateful for.

A few years ago.... April 2007 to be exact, I had a thought. It went something like this: "What things in the future do I have to look forward to?" I thought to myself, that "I like things just the way they are now and I wouldn't change anything at this point, only to live in the moment and appreciate what I have."

Little did I know that my world was about to change dramatically. My only son was about to be taken away from me.

I am grateful for the now. I am grateful that I get to be here right now, to do all the hard things, the easy things, the fun things, the mundane things. But I am here and we are all mostly healthy, happy, and living the best that we can.

True Friends

What's a True Friend?

I just spent the last 6 hours peeling, halving, coreing, and canning 64 lbs of peaches with my good friend.

It was long, hard work, but somebody had to do it. It'll be another 5 years before I do that again.

For SURE. But for now, we will enjoy the 13 quarts we were able to produce :).

Lately

I haven't been blogging.
I haven't been eating good.
I haven't been too patient.
I haven't been going to school like I planned (got accepted, enrolled, purchased books, took out loans)
I haven't been exercising regularly.
I haven't been working too much.
I haven't been babysitting as often.

But...
I have been painting my living, family, dining, kitchen, and Mikenna's room.
I have been cleaning and scrubbing (ok my cleaning lady has but I have been ORGANIZING)
I have been up to my ears in laundry.... do we ever catch up?
I have been exploring some "career" options.
I have been cutting my hours at work, which is SO awesome :) (*even though they still call me nightly to come in)
I have been baking lots of tasty treats (and eating them...)
I have been walking some.
I have been potty training a two year old.
I have been potty training our dog (did you see that? I got a DOG!!!)
I have been losing my mind because of said potty training... AND dog.
I have been growing a baby inside me, which makes me a bit tired and feel really old, cuz its harder now that I am 31 and not 21.

What have YOU been up to :)?

O Savannah, O don't you cry for me

Remember how we were having such a time with my lil peanut? Well I do!!!

It was a rough first few weeks of school, with a lot of big changes for Savannah. She moved from the MOMD class to the MIMD class (a higher functioning higher academic class), moved schools, teachers, aides, and friends. SO it was a rough start to say the least. The behaviors were out of control at school, home, and church, and I was seriously at my wits end. Really.

I did what any mother in my position would do, I made an appointment with the principal, the psychologist, the teacher, and put in a call to the superintendent of the School System... just to be sure I was heard :). All in all, it has improved. We got a psych eval, which showed no bad behaviors because Savannah was having good days by then... a 1:1 aide, and overall things are better. Much. Better. Extremely grateful for the changes and the people who helped with those changes.

These Two are SO hilarious. We sure love them. They make me smile (most of the time). Mikenna got her own room for her birthday and poor Isabella has just been fit to be tied and a misfit child because Mikenna doesn't want her in her room, and Savannah doesn't want her in her room. Poor Isabella. She is just a baby. It isn't her fault. :).

Our little peanut and her favorite cousin. She loves to hold her and feed her and play with her. She asks, "Mommy, can I hold baby Charlotte?" And who could resist....?

Big day for Mikenna

My baby girl turned 8 a few weeks ago, and since I haven't been great at blogging, I didn't tell any of you :)

For her birthday we went to the cabin. It was a partay at the cabin store, we played games, stayed up late, and had some great movie nights. The cabin always makes the same stuff WAY more FUN!

Mikenna decided that she wanted to be baptized, so a few weeks before her baptism, we had some family home evening lessons to help her get ready, specifically on baptism. The week before her baptism, Doug gave her the 6 missionary discussions so that she would better understand some of the promises that she would be making at baptism.

We went to the book store and picked out some scriptures and a case for her, ordered a cute little dress online (cuz who doesn't LOVE a new dress :)), and got ready for her baptism.

Mikenna was SO lucky to have her Granny and Grandpa come down from Idaho. Granny played the piano for us all and Grandma Walter gave a talk on Baptism. She was able to get baptized with her friend, Hannah, and that was very special for her.

Some of the people that came were Uncle Doug and the two twins, Aunt Lollie and Maxson, Uncle Logan and Aunt Natalie with Carter and Charlotte, Uncle Adam and Aunt Chelsea, Granny and Grandpa, and Grandma and Grandpa Walter. Cousins Jamie and Kenna, and Hayley, and their two sisters whose names are escaping me. Trisha and Chad and Janey, Russell, Parker, and Brenna, Sister Martineau and Gov and Max, Jr., Kami, Brett and Julie and Rusty, Jacquie, Karter, Becca and Rachel. Bishop and his Wife, Natalie, Paulina, Olivia and their mom and dad, Amy, Eliza, and Sara.

Overall it was a great day.

(Our Little DIVA)

And it was super fun to have Granny and Grandpa. They were such Troopers. Their flight was canceled due to the brakes on their plane not working. (go Delta, I am sure I have NEVER flown on a worse airline) And if that wasn't bad enough, they LOST one of their bags, sent it with an another woman. NICE. It had some irreplaceable items in it, but don't worry they compensated them with a $25 credit to use on a future flight.... (THANKS for NOTHING). They did eventually the bag, AFTER THEY WERE BACK IN IDAHO, but at least we were able to get the items that were SO important.... like the original pics of grandma that there weren't any duplicates of, and the 2 quilts that Granny made for Mikenna and Baby Girl Kunz.

When G & G got here, we took them out to dinner, and kept them up late talking into the night. On Saturday, we dragged them into the GORGEOUS AZ weather to a soccer game where we sweat in the 95 degree weather at 830 in the morning. After we all melted we came home and got ready for the baptism. Afterwards we had a huge lunch, with WAY to many SUPER DUPER yummy sugar cookies, and swam in the pool to cool off a bit. On Sunday we went to church and visited Daxton's grave and some of his other angel friends. And then had words with the airline to find the missing luggage... to no avail. They sat all the way in the back of the Tahoe and overall just spoiled the girls rotten with attention. It was very fun. Reminds us how much we truly miss them.

Maybe you've been wondering

First Day of school...

Oh. I LOVE the first day of school. It means peace and quiet in the house, laundry that has been needing to be done for months, deep cleaning that has been waiting all summer finally gets to be done, toys get to be sorted, walls get to be painted, and long trips to the gym get to be taken, RIGHT?

WRONG!

SO the first day of school. Wow, don't let that cute smile on #1's face fool you. She is a TOOT! She is giving her teacher a run for her money and I am not sure if she (the teacher) is going to survive. Savannah is going to win every time, just in case you were wondering :).

Not too much cleaning. Not to much quiet. Lots of phone calls from the school and one trip for an early pick up.

Score:

DAY 1 of school

Savannah 1

Teacher 0

By the way... I have been SUPER exhausted between tending my adorable nieces/cousins/nephews, running 8 miles 2 times a week and 12 miles on Saturday (I think I hit my max at 10.

.. I am done!), and cleaning my house up after this cute thing

Which one you ask? BOTH!!! We got a puppy. A cute little labrador retriever that we hope LIVES/SURVIVES puppy stage. Between the kids torturing her and pottying anywhere but where she is supposed to, I am about at my WITS END! Why did I sign up for this? I musta been on crack.... or something.... OR maybe because I have lost my mind because I am have been growing one of these:

Yes. Friends. I am having yet ANOTHER girl. Seems as though we are really good at making those :). I am 21 weeks... just in case you were wondering why I was getting fatter... between growing a baby and eating just about all the junk food I can get my hands on, it's a toss up!

SO Maybe you have been wondering why I have been MIA.... Well that about sums it all up.

BTW the score has been taken:

Day 2 of school

Savannah 2

Teacher 0

I have to have a little bit of humor with this... otherwise I would just curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out all day.

Brian Head

About 3 years ago, I met my "person." She has helped me through the thick and the thin. When she was up, I was down. And when I was up, she was down.... although truth be told, I don't think she has too many down days :).

Anyhow, for the last 3 years, we have been going on vacation with the Waite's. The first year we went to San Diego, and it was AWESOME! Last year they came to AZ and we had a blast burning our buns in the heat. And this year, we went to COOLER weather, Brian Head, UT, just north of Cedar City. It was BEAUTIFUL.

We had a good time, even after Savannah locked Jon out of the shower with the water running and we couldn't find a key and bless his heart he didn't even get mad..... although he probably was somewhat furious, but didn't let on. And that is what makes them SOOOOO great.

The best part about this trip is we were in snow at 8 am and in the hot desert sun by 4 pm. Very Funny!

Where did I go?

Wow has it really been a month since I posted on my blog? Has a month REALLY gone by and I have not recorded ANYTHING? Wowzers. I guess I better do better.

There have been some ups and downs around here lately. Like a really LONG roller coaster ride or a REALLY hilly marathon! But we (I) am doing better. I have just been seeing a lot of tragedy happen around me and sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to such GOOD people.

And then I remember a friend telling me the answer, "Because, the GOOD people can handle it." I am not sure how I feel about that, but I always go back to Elder Holland when he said, "Where are you going to go when it gets tough? You won't find what you are looking for if you leave the sanctuary of the church. You just won't." Those aren't his exact words, but I take away from that that I am where I need to be and the others around me are exactly where they need to be.

Its in the hard times that we see what we are truly made of. It is there that we grow stronger.

3 years later

I posted this over on my friend's blog and thought I would share:

“If you had to choose which child to give back to me, which one would you choose?” were the thoughts that came to my mind when I was putting laundry away. I went through each of my children and decided that I wasn’t going to choose. “I am sorry, I just can’t choose. You will have to decide.”

It wasn’t until a few months later, that I was to find out which child would be chosen. My husband and I took our very first trip away from the kids in 8 years of marriage. We were traveling to Havasupai to spend the weekend at the grand canyon enjoying hiking, swimming, and the company of each other and friends. I prayed each night I was gone that my children would be safe until I returned, but I knew that something terrible would happen. And as much as that fear tugged at my heart, I also knew that I needed to go on this trip.

On June 9, 2008, I received the call that no mother should ever have to receive and no father should ever have to make. My worst fear had taken hold. “Brittany, its Daxton.” My dad told me that Daxton had been tangled in the blinds. He didn’t have to finish. And I knew. I knew that my little boy who had only been with me for 1 year and 9 days was no longer here with me on this earth. The drive home was long and painful with cries to a God whom I had relied on my entire life. My soul was wracked with more torment than I had ever before or since felt.

I started asking why? Why me Lord? Why was this happening to me, to my son? My only son. As I held his precious body in my arms, I could feel His arms around me. In the most trying time of my life, when my world was crashing down around me, when it seemed as if my life was over, I felt the arms of a loving Heavenly Father. I was not alone in this. He knew what it was like to lose a child and He was there to comfort me.

The next few weeks were a blur. My heart was numb. My brain kept screaming that I had lost my son, yet my heart just didn’t want to believe it. I would get in the car and be frantic because I thought that I had left Daxton somewhere. I would go to his room to get him out of his crib in the morning. I would set him a plate at the dinner table. I knew he was gone, but he was in my arms or at my feet his entire life. I had literally lost a physical part of me. A piece of me was buried in the ground that hot summer day in June. If it weren’t for my 2 other children, it is very likely I would have joined him.

My faith was shaken to the very core. I had always had a testimony. I knew the church was true. I knew that families were forever. I knew that bad things happened to good people. But, how could a loving Father in Heaven take away my son? How could I feel so much pain and that be OK with Him? I found no comfort in reading church books or talks, mainly because my brain literally could not focus for more than 5 minutes on any task for about 6 months, but also because there wasn’t anything that I didn’t already know that I could read about and feel better. I needed this time to truly grieve and that is exactly what I was doing. And I was alone.

I reflected back on an area conference that Elder Holland had spoken at. I was holding my little Daxton, who was 6 months, when I heard him say, (and I paraphrase) Where are you going to go? When life gets hard, where are you going to go? Are you going to go find solace in drinking, gambling, partying? Go ahead! But you won’t find happiness there. You will only wallow and make it worse. This is where you belong. Surrounded by people who love you and support you. Strengthened by the God who gave you life.

As those words came back to me, I realized that I wasn’t alone. I was surrounded by good people who loved me. The enabling power of the atonement was at work in my life. When I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, friends would offer to take the kids, meals were brought in, laundry was done, all from the service of others. Tender mercies were granted when I found the perfect dress for the funeral, when I had a friend at my beck and call to do anything I needed her to, and when the week of the funeral went just as it was planned.

Just when I thought another day “alone” in my grief would do me in, I met Stephanie Waite (www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com). She was my PERSON! The one person who knew what I was going through as she had lost her 14 month old daughter just days after Daxton. I also realized that my Father in Heaven knew exactly how I felt. After all, He did send His Son, and He watched Him suffer. And my Savior knew what I was feeling because He suffered for all MY griefs and sorrows.

I could never say that losing Daxton was worth it. However, the lessons I have learned are invaluable and thankfully I have learned them and continue to learn them, because I would not be able to live with myself if Daxton’s death was for nothing. I am forever changed. I will never be the same person I was before Daxton died. There was my life before Daxton died and there is my life after Daxton died.

Friendships are different. There are some I no longer talk to and there are friends who have stood by my side cheering me on in their own way. It is hard to meet new people because invariably the question of how many kids comes up, followed by how old they are and then I have to decide, Are they worth me opening my heart up to them? There is the emptiness in my heart that not all my children are together. That Isabella will never know her older brother in this life and that Savannah and Mikenna will forget him as they get older.

It is hard to believe that Daxton would have been 4 this year. It is hard to believe that I am still here, that I have made it this far. Those early days of grief I thought I would never be able to make it another day. And here I am three years later. I am better. I am stronger. I have more compassion and sympathy, I know that families are forever and I will live with and raise my son again. I have been blessed by the healing power of the atonement. I am far from perfect. I still have the bad days, but thankfully the crippling grief comes less often.

Loser!

Ok. You have all been there. Losing the weight, right? We tell ourselves, “if I could just lose 10 pounds, I would be happy.” Don’t lie, you have all said it at one point in your brain. Maybe it was after baby, or five babies, or a long vacation to Europe (I would be totally jeal!) But you have said it. I know you have.

Well I admit, I have been saying it for the past year. I have been blaming the 10 pounds on baby fat, nursing, being prego, being prego again, and well I am just sick of all my great (or not so great) habits that have been forming. I have decided that it isn’t that important. The 10 pounds I mean. I am over it. It isnt’ the 10 pounds I don’t like, it is the girth of my abdomen that I am mostly concerned about. (wow am I really putting this on my blog?... well I did have a fitness blog for a time, so I spose its no secret). SO I have decided to DO something about it.

I am starting some new habits. Want to hear? Hopefully cuz I am about to tell you.
1. Eat every three hours
2. Eat a protein and carb EVERY meal/ snack
3. Drink lots of water
4. No such thing as a “cheat” day, only “cheat” meals (this one is NOT my own, but I will roll with it)

I am not going to lie. I KNOW these things. I just don’t do them. I much prefer to eat what I want when I want and not worry too much about it. Hence my predicament J.

So here is to me. Trying NOT to lose weight but inches by eating better, weight training, and running.

Good luck to me!

Happy Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day. So I guess I should do a post on it :) Here goes nothing.

Mother's Day is an interesting day. A day we honor our mothers. A day our children honor us/appreciate us.

I had some expectations of what I wanted my mother's day to look like. Breakfast in bed, kids dressed and ready to go to church 30 minutes before church, long afternoon nap, no preparation of meals, sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing....etc.

But here's the deal. I am a mother. I like being a mother. I can't sit by because it's my job. It is what I love. I love being a mother. I love getting my kids up and ready for the day. I love eating at the table with them. I love sitting/fighting in church with them to get them to be quiet. I love to wake up to Isabella needing me or Savannah knocking on her door to be let out, and I love to cook for my family. It is not in my nature to just sit and watch.

I did however, get CUTE cards, chocolate, breakfast IN bed, a NAP!, and some yummy dinner NOT cooked by me, by my amazing husband :). Thanks babe!

We got to talk to my brother, Elder Walter in Portugal. It was great. He looks good (you look good Danny) :). It was good to talk to him (to you!). I just wish Isabella would have sang you a song. She is HILARIOUS!

My only wish is that I would have been able to receive a call from MY missionary. I mean come on. Daxton is serving a mission. Shouldn't I get a phone call twice a year with an update? Boy that would surely be nice. Alas, it is not so. I get to visit his grave. At the cemetery. And call that good enough. Sometimes it just plain sucks. Yes I said it. The "S" word, at least it was filtered :).

I wish he were here. Going on walks with us, pushing his monster trucks around the neighborhood, throwing balls at Mikenna, picking up bugs with Savannah comparing the biggest one, and being a big brother to Isabella.

However, I know that Daxton is serving a great mission. I can feel it. I know he is involved in a great work. I just wish I could get a report. Someday Tiff. Someday.... just not today.

Hope you all had a GREAT Mother's Day. I love you mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Dear Elder...

Wow. I wonder if any of you are still reading this. I have been less than stellar at writing lately. Ok, practically non existent! Have you wondered where I have been? Or have you just given up on me?

My brother who is on a mission so wonderfully pointed out that he goes to check my blog to see the going’s on of the family and has come up blank. I have officially been cussed!

**ok Isn't she A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E**

Speaking of my brother, who is serving a mission, Daniel, is his name, or Elder Walter more recently, has been out on his mission for almost a year! I can’t believe how fast the time goes. It sure has been lonely around here without his wit and sarcasm. Luckily we get to talk to him in a few days! YIPEE! Thank goodness for skype, we actually get to see who we are talking to. I remember back in the day when snail mail was the only means of communication. Does that make me old? No. But it likely makes you older J.

**and her too**

I don’t know what my problem lately with my blog is. I get looking through my google reader at all the blogs I follow and I guess I just feel inadequate. Like my blog is less important so why even bother. Or some people have really good “themes” trickled throughout the week, and mine is just ramblings, so why bother.

**seriously, anymore cuteness would be illegal**

Well people I am turning over a new leaf. I have just come to the realization that that isn’t all that important. So what if I am not the most popular blog on the block or have the most followers or the most comments (or any at all J), my life is important to me. And it is important to my kids. So I will carry on and post my boring ramblings and ADORABLE pics of my kiddos.

**officially ILLEGAL**

Aren’t they adorable? Don’t you want to scoop them up and bring them home? Too bad. They are mine.

Congratulations!

I officially had the WORST blogging month in the history of my blogging career. I don't know what it is. Maybe I am just lazy. Or busy. Or lazy. Ya. More kinda lazy.

Well folks. I have an announcement to make. Some of you may be disappointed that I haven't told you in person, but I apologize. It is what it is and sometimes it is just easier to "blog" about it.

I am...... a STUDENT again! I have officially been accepted to the ASU graduate Doctorate of Pediatric Nurse Practitioner program. SO, as of June 1, I will be in class!

Some time ago, ok, my whole entire life, I knew that I needed to do something more, to be something more. I prayed and I fasted and I prayed some more. I prayed that I would be satisfied and content with being a mom and a nurse. I did. I really did. I tried to ignore the burning inside to continue on to graduate school. I have fought it for 3 years now. Some of my classmates from my undergraduate went right into their respective graduate programs. I knew that it wasn't for me at that moment, and now I know why.

It is actually a cool program. Most of it is online and there are only 6 days a semester that I will have to physically be in class. And some of those are NIGHTS! Yay! Hopefully work will work with me as long as I can stand to work :) AND go to school AND be a mom :). I love all of those things and it is sooooo hard to choose which ones I want to do, so I suppose I will do them all.

SO there you have it. That's all folks!

Jealous Much?

I learned a powerful lesson the other day in my institute class. It was about Sacrifice.

3 Nephi 9:19-20

Elder Maxwell said,

“Real, personal sacrifice was never placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed.”

Hartman Rector said,

“Surely, in the work of the Lord, it is what we do after we think we have done enough that really counts with Him, for that is when the blessings flow. If you would have a blessing from the Lord, put something upon the altar. Make a sacrifice.”

There is something in my life that I have really struggled with lately. And it is jealousy. I won’t tell you what of because that would just be too much information. And we wouldn’t want that.

But it has been eating me up inside. Literally. I have been in a pit of crap wallowing in it. I am sure this isn’t the first time I have wallowed and I am certain it won’t be the last, but it is something I have to give up or it will eat me up inside and do irreparable damage.

As I pondered the words of Elder Maxwell, that if I just take my jealousy and give it up, that the Lord would take it, and replace it with something better. So I am going to try. Try giving it to Him, and see where it goes. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

****postscript: IT WORKED!!! Just sayin :)

Check it out... no SERIOUSLY!

Ok, So remember awhile back I told you about my amazing singer cousin whom I am SO jealous of because she has an amazing voice and can strum on the guitar and play the piano and many other instruments I don't know that she can play?

Well she is trying to make a CD. She got a lot of offers from record labels in LA, Vegas, and Nashville, but they charge THOUSANDS of dollars to get started. SOOOO, many up and coming (her talent surpasses up and coming... just saying) musicians have started to do their OWN label and their OWN CDs, because it is cheaper.

However. She has run out of funds and NEEDS your HELP! Heck. I need your help. For years I have been saying that she needs to try out for American Idol or move to LA and make it big. But you know what? She didn't listen. She likes being a mom more than she thinks she would like being a SUPERSTAR!!! But you know what? I think she would make a GREAT mom and a GREAT superstar... just sayin :).

Well ladies and gentlemen, she finally took my advice!!! Now we don't want her to be disappointed (or me) so go ahead and donate $1, $5, $10, $20 or whatever. She needs $2700 to record the rest of her FIRST ever Lucky Lyndy ALBUM. She has $1900 so far.

Go ahead. Be the first to say that you helped Lucky Lyndy back when she was just a girl singin her heart out in Southern Utah. I dare you. Even if you don't donate... you should really go check out her website.

30 DAYS TO MAKE IT

Oh and you should become a follower of her blog and put her in your google reader, because every once in a while she will post a video of herself singin and you just won't be able to get enuf of her. Seriously you ask? Yes. Seriously.

Head on over there and come back and tell me what you think. AM I RIGHT?

PS What did you think about her adorable little boy in her video saying that he had to go poop! Seriously. Little boys. Tug... tug... tug...

Fighting with a Two Year Old

Isabella is a peach. Really. She is. You've seen her pictures. She is cuter in real life. And her personality is just as cute.

Well. She has recently started climbing out of her crib. Ok it could arguable be called a play pen. OK! It IS a play pen and yes. I don' t have a crib. We threw it away..... So Isabella sleeps in a play pen. For now. She has recently decided other choices are full of more comfort. Such as MY bed. Or Sannah's bed. Or the NO bed for that matter.

OH dear. I used to enjoy her sleeping in until 11am. Yes, that reads 11am and she goes to bed at 8pm. And takes a nap! Ok. Let's recap that. She USED to sleep in until 11am. She USED to nap. She USED to go to bed at 8pm.

Ok. I admit. I am a poor mother who needs HELP. I haven't had to "wean" from a crib to a bed since Mikenna. And now I am at a loss. How do I keep her in her bed? Is it CPS worthy if I lock her in her room at night? Will you turn me in to CPS because I even had that thought in my head? Cuz trust me, it's either the lock on the door or ...... You all know. You've all been there.

So do you have any tricks of the trade that have worked good for you? Because me and my two year old are fighting. AND SHE IS WINNING!!!!

But in her defense, she IS cute.

New Friends

So. I started a new job. 5.5 months ago. It’s been hard. Because I have to meet new people. And meeting new people terrifies me. Because people always ask questions and questions being asked lead to answers to those questions and people don’t always know what to say after they all the answers and then it is awkward.

I used to like making new friends. It was fun getting to know new people. Sometimes I make jokes about if someone at work talks to me then it was a good night. But it isn’t like I make too much of an effort. I mean I eat “lunch” at a time nobody else does just so I can avoid having to talk to anyone. So what does that say about me? Ok. I don’t really want to know.

I was on the canal with a close friend and we were talking about how making and meeting new people was overrated. I mean. Who has time? We have kids, family, extended family, church callings, work, and we are just plain busy. I had a co worker who made a funny comment, “I have to much **** already, I don’t need more friends.” I seriously laughed out loud. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. And then I thought it was sad. But now I can relate.

I made a promise to my canal friend that I would talk to at least one person at work that next night. And then I recanted, because seriously, who has time?

After pondering our conversation about not needing more friends, I really dug deep. I like friends. I mean. I have all of you J and I am grateful for you all. And I came to the conclusion that it isn’t about making new friends. It’s about opening up and letting them get to know me. The question inevitable comes along, “how many kids do you have?” and then the follow up question, “how old are they?” and usually I tell them 3 ages and they wonder what happened to the 4^th one. And then I have to choose at that point to tell them or not to tell them or just to act busy and avoid it. And why do I do that? Because. I do.

I know that Daxton was/is a part of my life and to sum up his life in, “I have a son, he would be 3 but he died” just seems unfair. So I would just prefer not to. Cuz it’s too hard. Way. To. Hard. He was so much more than that. But after I tell them I had a child that died, they don’t know what to say and then I am not only the new girl, but “the new girl whose baby died.”

So making friends is terrifying for me. Especially when I have to tell my story. Because it makes me cry. And I don’t like to cry in public. I only like to cry in my closet on the floor and then tell you about it. Not actually let you see it.