Life is hard

Life is hard. Yup. I said it. 

Had savannahs IEP yesterday. It's and individual education plan for children with special needs. Any child with extra needs has one. I walked into the room and I immediately felt defensive. I know it's lame, but lately I've been feeling like the teacher is frustrated with me and also not being an advocate for savannah. 

So I walked in the room with a little apprehension in the presence of the speech and occupational therapist, the adaptive physical education teacher, the psychologist, and her teacher. They started by telling me where she fell in the testing... Basically I tried to hold back the tears. I wasn't so much tearing from the information but the overwhelming feeling of life right now and this was just the icing on the cake. The conversation turned to savannahs strengths and then we talked about her IEP. 

It was at this point I found my voice and began to feel confortable speaking up. What they were telling me was not new information. I know where Savannah falls socially and academically and what her needs and behaviors are. I am her mother and I am quite in tune to her needs and all things Savannah. 

We discussed her prader willi and what this means to the school and to me. I explained to them what it was like at home... We lock our cupboards and pantry and the fridges with combination locks. No food, including gum is to be out of the kitchen at all. No exceptions. Backpacks and lunches are to be emptied as soon as school is over and all food is to be put in the fridge or trash.

If we don't do this then it is on me. It is my job to keep her safe and when she gets into food it means I have failed at the one thing I am supposed to do with 100% accuracy. There is no room for mistakes... Alas they happen. Sometimes I get really upset with her and punish her. Other times I just ignore it... And other times I have an overwhelming guilt that I wasn't able to keep her safe... Mostly I'm just trying hold my crap together without falling apart every day. Cookies help. Lifting heavy helps. And sitting on the bathroom floor with the fan on and bedroom door locked helps... But that is for another day 😬

This little girl makes me laugh, cry, frustrated, love her one minute and want to beat the s*** out of her the next. Keep it real people. Keep it real. 

Sunday feels

Sunday's are days for waffles and baking and pondering. What better way to ponder than while eating a brownie and a lemon bar and monkey squares and chocolate chip cookies... Do I like sweets? Yes. Yes I do 😊. They help me think and I usually reserved them for Sunday's. Because Sunday's are for eating. At least that's what I'm told.

Today the kids are baking brownies. The littles are using game pieces to make protein shakes. They are making a mess, but they are working together and they are not watching any devices. This is a big feat in our home.

I teach the 16&up Sunday school class at church and today we are talking about the atonement. I'm using Elders Oaks talk from last general conference. It's about what the atonement is and how we can apply it in our lives. Each week I pray that I will be able to teach the teenagers the gospel. That they will listen and that they will feel the spirit. Just once. That's my goal. If they feel the spirit just once in my class and remember one thing I taught them then I can call that class a success. 

Off to smell the brownies...

Run away

Ok so this picture has nothing to do with what I am about to write... But it's sort of how I feel!!! All crazy. So. Crazy. We are all a little bit crazy and we all feel more crazy some days than others. So there's that.

As I sit here and listen to OLD SCHOOL country music I'm reminded of when Savannah ran away. Well which time you might ask? The time she ran away from the babysitter after Mikenna was bit by a scorpion when she was 4 years old? Or maybe I'm referring to the time she ran away from a different babysitter when I was picking Doug up from the airport and she went out the front door after locking the door behind her and ran down the street to a neighbors house, grabbed some skittles and proceeded to run down the main road. Nope not referring to that time either... Nor am I referring to the time she ran away from my friend and her husband at the grocery store or when she locked my dad, her grandpa, out of the house... Oh wait she didn't run away. I digress.

No. I'm actually referring to the time she had a somewhat off morning. It was my first week of clinicals and her second week of school at the junior high. She had a rough time on the bus and was tossing shoes, socks, buckles etc. I may have taken gum from her pocket or looked at her funny or fed her syrup and powdered sugar for breakfast. Who knows? What I do know if that when she got to school she was sort of a mess. Luckily she pulled it together but not before she picked the snot out of her leg. She has a chronic wound. It's been there for two years from her surgery actually, almost three years ago. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. Sewing socks on the hands of her pajamas, cutting the feet off and turning them backwards so I could turn the zipper around, rewards, punishments, time out, tying her hands up... I've tried it all. Don't worry I haven't been reported for child abuse... Maybe you'll tattle on me now. 

I digress again. Sooo little miss Savannah was bleeding and her aide took her to the nurse to get it all bandaged up. She likes to visit the nurse (she's nice and she can get out of class)... The nurse fixed her all up and her aide sent her back to class with the assurance she was right behind her. Yep. Right behind her. Turned her back for 15 seconds. Ya she has an aide for a reason. She gets paid JUST TO WATCH SAVANNAH all day. Sorry if you hate your job (actually I'm not that sorry) but my child's safety is in your best interest. Trust me on this.

So in that 15 supposed seconds Savannah vanished. She was gone. No one could find her. She wasn't in class. She wasn't in the bathroom. She wasn't in the office. She wasn't anywhere to be found. They called security and a few of the principals and called out the dogs. They searched for maybe 15 minutes before they called the police... 

Meanwhile, Savannah had gone out the front door and ran down the busy street, stopped at a ladies house and told her she was bleeding. The sweet lady called the police and the paramedics... 

About the same time I'm going to say the school called the police. Putting two and two together they found Savannah. Luckily she was safe. My heart literally gets sick when I think about what could have happened. Oh um did I mention THAT NO ONE CALLED ME THIS ENTIRE TIME. NO. ONE. NOT ONE PERSON... Ummmmm, by the time they found me they were furious with her. Oh ha I LET THEM HAVE IT. Seriously?!?! Seriously?!?!?! Savannah has a 1:1 aide for a reason. This was not her fault. This was a complete and blatant disregard for her safety. Wow. Good thing I wasn't this fired up when I talked to her teacher. 

I DID however make it VERY clear that this was a breakdown on the part of the school and LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL PARTIES that we DO NOT let Savannah roam the school ALONE!!!!! 

So that's my story. Good night. 

CrossFit and pizza

OI've tried a million diets. If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you that I'm always on a program of some sort. It's a mental game for me. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Let's be honest. Lately I've been losing. Emotional eating is my nemesis. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm not hungry. It's true. So I set goals. I do cleanses to eliminate the cravings. I do CrossFit to keep me in shape. I'm not the fittest person I know. Hey. Im not perfect ;). But that's what I like about me. We don't have to be perfect. We just have to try and do better, be better, every single day. 

It's been forever since I blogged. I'm probably going to be random. Some day I want to write a book. I'm not sure if the title but my sister seems to think I'd make a great book so maybe I'll take her advice. That's where this blog comes in handy. Apparently for you to be marketable you have to have a blog, or Instagram or Facebook and have a following... Blah blah blah. Nobody looks at blogs anymore. Too much work. I blogged. Eons ago. I blogged about everything. My Life was so stressful and blogging seemed to take some of that stress from me. I blogged after Daxton died. Every day. It helped me to heal. Grief is a funny phenomenon that many people at some point get to deal with. Yay. Go us. We win. Or lose. Whatever. 

Anyway. I'm blogging again. No judging. I'm random and my punctuation may not always be great and I may not always make sense. But blogging makes sense to me. So I'm going to start doing it again. Follow me why don't ya. We can keep each other company and eat pizza together.