Reminder.

Must focus on the right thing. Must. Must. Must.

Hi. Again.

I am not so sure if I should actually say what I'm about to express.

It's 20:34 by the clock on my desktop. At this exact moment, the mosque near my house (I don't even know exactly where it is located) is praying. It is doing the loud praying thing, with the loudspeaker for everyone to hear and to know that it's time to pray. And just for the record, not everyone is a fan of it but everyone here (in Malaysia) lives with it and we're fine with it.

This is not a racist topic.

My point is, I find that whole loudspeaker-praying thing soothing and calming. I have always found it relaxing. It's like, at the midst of all chaos and unsettledness, big workload and business, when you hear the loud roaring from a nearby mosque, you know it's time (for the Muslims) to pray. To pray. It means, to slow that your path in your busy life, dedicate that little amount of time to the being (or non-being) that you believe in, and wish. And hope. You know that, they pray at that time. And knowing that people are praying, I feel a wave of calmness, chill, goosebumps even. Because I know it's a holy thing to do, regardless of what we believe in. We hope and wish for the good to happen, and for the bad to end as soon as possible, or even to not happen at all. It means, there are still people who hold on to goodness in this world. People with hope. Good people. People pray, and to me, it brings hope.

Especially in National Service. At Sabah, at round 18:00, the Muslims, my friends, began to gather and enter the surau (what is it called in English?). And I used to always watch them line up and all while running my own errands. I still remember, that at the same time, people brought their laundry to the nice ladies from outside to be washed. And the non-Muslim would chit chat or (this should sound funny) practise dancing or take bath or watch tv (we had Astro later on). But at the same time, I would think that it was a nice, quiet and peaceful time. Well partly (or mostly) it's due the the fact that most of the population in the NS were in the surau and the whole place seemed quieter. But also, they are praying.

Then after dinner, at around (mostly before) 20:00, they would go to the surau again to pray. And by 20:00, I would have to blow the whistle and gathering everyone at the marching court and take attendance and make sure everyone settle down and wait for further instructions. Those were the time of glory. But as June approached, the time for them to go to surau was delayed further. In the end, by 20:00, or even after, they would still be in the surau and this interfered with my duty and I initially didn't know what to do. Of course the natural thing to do is to wait for them to finish, and then we gather. It was what I did. But still, being under pressure and under the eyes of the Jurulatih and for a few reasons I shall not disclose, I was indeed stressed. I paced around the canteen area, which was just right in front of the surau, and wondered when would they come out.

But at the same time, I would hear them praying. And with all the reasons I've mentioned above, it soothed me. It made me felt like they're doing something right. Not morally, not ethically, not politically. It's just..right. And it makes me feel, calm. That's all that I'm saying.

我应该吗？

是时候收拾心情，真的要准备考试了。还有一个星期都不到的时间，但仍然没有那歌心机去翻开课本来温习。即使我的书是开着的，我的脑袋始终专注不到，放松不到。想着太多太多的问题了。

真的很想到高山上去呐喊。把心声喊完出来。

我不要在考完试过后又来后悔!

谁能来帮我啊？！

Surviving A Fall

It does feel that way recently. I'm referring to the title of my post.

This is when i should listen to Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne. But it's not all about losing the grasp in my life. I feel like i'm still holding on. I know that what to do and i have the game plan all devised and ready to go. But i still feel like i am missing a piece of puzzle for the game to roll. I feel..incomplete. (No this does not relate to any relationship crap please -.-)

I really need to prioritise. And also to get my thoughts straight. I need to develop my own beliefs and follow them. I need to know what i trust and what i believe in. A basis of life which i should always hold on to. I need to have a principle in my life. I need to be able to show the confidence. And i need all these, in a very short time.

(God, help me)