Devin & Liz

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

To get through these feelings a special friend suggested I do a puzzle. She, like myself, cannot escape all the thoughts running through her mind by watching tv or a movie. We need something that takes concentration. Therefore, I have been working on a puzzle the last few days. Devin has started to join me and as we sit there and try to figure out where the pieces go we have been able to draw on some parallels in life. There are several times I say,  “I just don’t know where to start” or ” I give up. I just don’t know where this piece could be.” As we compare those phrases I say with life I’ve been able to learn a lot when I hear Devin say back to me, “you just have to start somewhere. Pick a place and just start, one piece at a time.” or “you  CAN do it. Just keep going.” Then, pretty soon as I focused in and really tried hard piece by piece just kept coming together. I would see other pieces and it would just flow together. We still aren’t done, but it takes some constant, focused, determined effort to get it done without giving up.

I then came across this video and appreciated what it added to the learning experience about life being like a puzzle:

Sometimes I don’t have the words to express how I feel … A dear friend suggested I follow this blog and the words I found were so perfect I decided to take her words and repost them here. Please find her original blog post HERE titled, “When Enough, is enough.”

“Having been through the worse days of my life, I know all the pain, and suffering, and torture that comes. It is horrible to know that all those mama’s and daddy’s hearts will feel like mine did, and still does. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, in fact, since I know my heart and soul proved they could survive the torture, I wish I could just take it for them.

Last night I visited the temple. I was consumed in thoughts about Ruby, and these other precious babies. Tried to make sense of my year, and why I have been stripped of my child, and soon after the remnants of a normal life. I tried to make sense of it all. I asked for understanding. I asked for guidance. And I kept just thinking that it just did not make sense. I could not understand His plan.

This morning as I was vacuuming, it occurred to me that we are not suppose to understand His plan for us. We are suppose to have faith and trust and hope in Him, and that he has a divine plan for us. How could we possibly make sense of a plan that is so perfectly tailored for each of us. We have been given exactly the trials that Heavenly Father has sent our way. I think that I am slowly, being molded and refined with each trial that comes, into the woman that my Father wants me to be. He knows what I can handle. He knows the worth of my divine nature, and he knows how far I need to be stretched to become the person He knows I am, the daughter He created and loves. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but what that knowledge allows moments of peace between the anguish.

As I vacuumed my way down the hall, I thought, “Who am I to tell Him, ‘enough is enough’!?”  I am working on my faith. I am working on my trust. And I am working on my HOPE. Because that is all we can really do when nothing seems to be making any sense.

Understanding the reason for our trials will most likely not come in this life time. But I am confident that our Father in Heaven will make up for losses, and bless us with more than we can imagine”.

The last eight days have been filled with tragedy, grief and heartache. These are all feelings that are uncomfortable and difficult to deal with, but lately we are faced with them front on and have no choice but to learn how to work through them. I come here as my escape and my release to write and work through these feelings that I don’t exactly know how to process.

It began last Friday, July 27th when we heard of the horrible tragedy of the passing of our dear friend and beloved Bishop Matthew Lyon. (I won’t spend my time here focusing on the horrible tragedy, but for my personal reference click HERE for the Obituary).

As we spent the next few days trying to find understanding in such a horrible tragedy we drew on the Lord to help us know how we could help the family that was left behind and find answers and peace in why such horrible things happen to such amazing people. Bishop’s wife is an amazingly strong woman and is such an example to me of turning to the Lord in time of need. Little did I know that her posts on facebook and Instagram would turn into strength that I needed to rely on. She was and is suffering so immensely but yet her faith shared through technology has blessed me and strengthen me as we entered into our own intense trial in our family. Truly one of those tender mercies of the Lord reminding us that He is aware and uses us to strengthen one another in time of need.

A few days later on July 31st we got some tragic information of our own. We went in with excitement for a routine ultrasound to only walk away with a broken heart after learning that our precious baby Dimond that we were so anxiously waiting to meet in February did not make it. After our last ultrasound with a strong heartbeat something went wrong and we had no idea. We don’t know what it is, but we are the unfortunate ones that fall in that 1-2% chance of miscarriage after you have that strong, healthy heartbeat. You never expect to be in that small margin and when you are it’s devastating. The next few days were filled with tears, shock, numbness and a scary, emotional, intense hospital and surgery experience. I now find myself healing physically but not knowing how to deal with the emotional pain that has seemed to completely overtake me. Something is missing and it just hurts. I never knew that heartache could be such a physically painful experience.

So, I come back to the three words: Tragedy, grief and heartache. They are all part of life and seem to enter into our lives when we least expect it. These last 8 days have humbled me to remember how fragile this life is. I have been reminded that we are here to be tested and even if we are doing everything right it doesn’t mean that we are immune to these horrible tragedies and trials in life. There is comfort and it comes from knowing that God has a plan and that His son Jesus Christ is there to strengthen us. He does not leave us comfortless and He does not leave us alone. {John 14:18}

We had a beautiful funeral service this morning and many words of comfort were spoken as we celebrated the amazing life of Matthew Lyon. It was comforting to hear many acknowledge how much a tragedy this is and that things like this are just not suppose to happen. I mean, he was only 42 years old and died of a heart attack leaving his wife and 4 young kids left behind? That just doesn’t seem right! By acknowledging this as what it is, a horrible horrible tragedy, it helped us to recognize our faith. We don’t understand everything, but we believe that everything has a reason. There always is hope when we have the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can’t even beging to understand why something like this would happen but we have to chose to believe that there is a higher power and that God has a plan that we simply cannot understand at this point. We have to believe in life after death if we are to come to peace with this tragedy. I do believe in God and I believe that He has reasons that we simply cannot comprehend at this point. I trust Him and trust in His plan even though in times like these is it hard. To find happiness in this life we must simply believe and hope that good things will one day come to make situations like this make sense. It’s moments like these last 8 days that really help me evaluate what I believe and to meditate on the purpose of life. I’m grateful to know what I know and have the strength of the Lord with me through these difficult days ahead as we heal from such tragedy and loss.

The spirit was so strong during the service today and it left me inspired to be a better person. It left me determined to live each day trying a little harder, being a little better and loving a little more. Any and all contact I had with Bishop, he always left me wanting to be a better person and today was no different. His influence still lives on and touched me again today! His memory and example live on! Some truths that were shared today through friends and family that I want to remember: Always strive to be better – a part of his journal was shared where he had a long lists of principles, values and attributes that he was working on. It’s ok to have doubts, but use your faith to overcome. We must make the choice to believe. don’t judge – instead look to find the roots and help the flower bloom. Accept people for who they are at this moment as nobody is perfect. Trials in life develop character. Let us embrace trials so that we are turned to the Lord and may be honored to work to develop the character of Christ.

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. {Joshua 1:9}

In loving memory of our special friend and Bishop Matthew Michael Lyon – ‘God be with you ’til we meet again’:

And, our first picture we have of our special baby Dimond when everything was healthy and strong and who we already loved so much and miss every moment.  ‘God be with you ’til we meet again’:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. {John 14:27}

Sometimes hymns are able to capture feelings better than my own words. Here are some hymns where the words have carried me through the last few days …

How Great Thou Art

Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hand hath made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed;

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
when I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
and hear the brook, and feel he gentle breeze;

And when I think that God his son not sparing,
Sent him to die – I scarce can take it in,
That on the cross my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin:

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home- what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim, my God, how great thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

1. I know that my Redeemer lives.
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead.
He lives, my ever-living Head.
He lives to bless me with his love.
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed.
He lives to bless in time of need.

2. He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.

3. He lives, my kind, wise heav’nly Friend.
He lives and loves me to the end.
He lives, and while he lives, I’ll sing.
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.
He lives and grants me daily breath.
He lives, and I shall conquer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare.
He lives to bring me safely there.

4. He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”
He lives! All glory to his name!
He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

Nearer, My God to Thee

1. Nearer, my God, to thee,
Nearer to thee!
E’en though it be a cross
That raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be

Nearer, my God, to thee,
Nearer, my God, to thee,
Nearer to thee!

2. Though like the wanderer,
The sun gone down,
Darkness be over me,
My rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I’d be

3. There let the way appear,
Steps unto heav’n;
All that thou sendest me,
In mercy giv’n;
Angels to beckon me

4. Then with my waking thoughts
Bright with thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs
Bethel I’ll raise;
So by my woes to be

5. Or if, on joyful wing
Cleaving the sky,
Sun, moon, and stars forgot,
Upward I fly,
Still all my song shall be

If You Could Hie to Kolob

1. If you could hie to Kolob
In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward
With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever,
Through all eternity,
Find out the generation
Where Gods began to be?

2. Or see the grand beginning,
Where space did not extend?
Or view the last creation,
Where Gods and matter end?
Methinks the Spirit whispers,
“No man has found ‘pure space,’
Nor seen the outside curtains,
Where nothing has a place.”

3. The works of God continue,
And worlds and lives abound;
Improvement and progression
Have one eternal round.
There is no end to matter;
There is no end to space;
There is no end to spirit;
There is no end to race.

4. There is no end to virtue;
There is no end to might;
There is no end to wisdom;
There is no end to light.
There is no end to union;
There is no end to youth;
There is no end to priesthood;
There is no end to truth.

5. There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.
There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.

God Be with You Till We Meet Again

1. God be with you till we meet again;
By his counsels guide, uphold you;
With his sheep securely fold you.
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet,
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

2. God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you,
Put his arms unfailing round you.
God be with you till we meet again.

3. God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you;
Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you.
God be with you till we meet again.