Failure is not an option

I stepped on the scale this morning, as I do every morning. I was shocked to see I was up three pounds from yesterday morning. WTF!? Are you kidding me? 

The 158.6 on the scale stared back at me, taunting me, saying "See, we told you that you couldn't do this. You're a big, fat failure! You're going to gain all your weight back and go back to being fat and ugly and unloved."

I had that whole conversation with myself in about seven seconds. The sad part is I don't feel like I really did anything to deserve this, but the truth is that the scale doesn't lie (Tanita scale - always dead on accurate).

My eating has been pretty clean this week, the only thing I've been doing wrong is probably not eating enough, not getting in my healthy eight, and two days I only ate my 19 Points. I didn't track three of the days, but I know I was very close to or under my Points. 

I also increased my workouts this week from an hour to an hour and twenty minutes (40 minutes strength and 40 minutes cardio). I'm working out harder since I switched to doing weights first, then cardio

Okay, time to calm the hell down. It's okay. If I have a gain tomorrow at my weigh in, I have a gain. I know this stuff works, I just need to get back to the basics. Eating all my Points including Weeklies and APs, and try to get in as many of the Healthy Eight Eating Guidelines as possible. 

I know it's just a number on a scale, and it shouldn't make me or break me, but it does. Right now I have to be vigilant  because history has shown this is exactly where I fail. Twenty pounds from the brass ring and then I fall off the damn horse and well, you know the rest of the story. 

Check out my pictures on the sidebar. Those two before pictures from 2008, are really two years after losing 80 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2006, and gaining it all back in 2007. I was 20 pounds shy of my goal in December 2006. Just like I am now. I don't want history to repeat itself again. I refuse to fail this time around. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.

There are no do-overs

Tomorrow I'll be attending a memorial service. It's for a man that was my manager from 2000 through 2005. There was no love lost between this man and myself. We had a difficult work relationship, and butted heads more than once on a variety of issues. We finally came to terms that we had a mutual dislike  for each other, but we had to work together, so made the best of it we could. He was 50 years old when he was diagnosed six months ago with Stage Four lung cancer . He never smoked a day in his life.

I'm going to the memorial service because he left behind a wife and a 14-year old daughter. Memorial services are really for the living and that's the only reason I'm attending. 

Thinking about this man's death has had a rather profound affect on me. Since I'm 53, my own life is more than half over. Death is looming on the horizon in front of me. I may have twenty or thirty good years left, but I may also have as little as six months. I'm at the age where things start breaking down, where the body isn't as resilient as it once was to fight off diseases that can kill.

What does this mean to me and my weight loss? A lot. I don't want to waste another minute being fat. I don't want to not live my life to the fullest because I'm busy stuffing crap in my face that makes me fat or laying on the couch as my heart atrophies and I grow fatter. I want to eat clean and give my exercise routine everything I've got so I'll be stronger and more fit. I want to lose these last 20 pounds.

Some people might say, well, if my number is up any minute, maybe I should just eat whatever the hell I want and do what I want, like lay on the couch and take it easy. I look at it, well, if my number is up any minute, I'd better do everything I can to take care of my body so I can live life to the fullest while I'm here. It saddens me I've taken 53 years to figure this out. I guess better late than never. 

We get one shot at this life, we should do the best we can while we're here because there are no do overs. 

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101 Useless Facts About Me

I don't usually do this stuff because I figure no one would really be interested, but I promised my friend Perry. If you want to be bored to death and read 101 useless facts about me, you can check this out.

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Exercise Tip

This is just a repeat of what I said a few days ago. I've been doing this every day, and I can really tell a huge difference in my workouts. I feel so much stronger and that my workouts have been knocked up a notch.

1. Warmup five minutes with cardio. Push it to get your heart rate up by the end of the five minutes.

2.  Strength train 30 -60 minutes

3. Cardio 30 -60 minutes

I can lift heavier weights easier and when I start my cardio my heart rate is already at the ideal level for me (135) within 30 seconds. I can't believe what a difference this has made. If you're not already doing this then I highly recommend you give it a try.

I've also been drinking 32 ounces of water about two hours before my workout. I think that's helping too, being fully hydrated before starting to exercise.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! 

Y

What a difference a year makes

Exactly one year ago today I woke up and said "I can't take it anymore!" I weighed 239.2. My body hurt and ached. I got out of breath walking up one flight of stairs. The day before, my size 18 jeans had ripped out in the butt, while I was at work. They were a size 18, and I should have been wearing a 20. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. My blood pressure was 180/110. I was basically dead woman walking.

That night I went to Weight Watchers. I thought, here we go again. I've done this so many times I don't even know why I'm bothering, but I made it through the week. Then another week and another one. 

Here I am exactly 52 weeks later. I really thought I'd be at goal. I'm not there yet, but I know I will be soon. I'm 20 pounds from reaching my goal of 135. I've lost 83.6. It's hard for me to say I'm proud of myself, it's just not my nature. I hate boastful people. So I'll let the pictures do the talking. 

Today's Weighin or how I pulled a rabbit out of the hat

Current weight: 155.6

Loss for the week:  -2.2

Total loss for past 52 weeks:  -83.6

Pounds to lose to goal of 135:  20.6

I should be thrilled, right? It's a good loss, right? I should take it and shut up about it. 

The truth is, I totally screwed up on Weight Watchers last week. I made almost every mistake possible, except binge eating. Somehow I avoided that one.

Water - no (I don't really even remember drinking water except at the gym)

Vitamins - 2 out of 7 days

Track food - 2 out of 7 days

Healthy Eight - what's that?

Dairy - none!

Two days I didn't eat all my  base Points of 19. This from a girl that eats every last Point she gets, all daily Points, all Weekly Points, all Acitivity Points. Every week, if I have them I eat them. Not eat my 19 Points? Ummm, who the hell am I anyway?!

One day I ate a piece of Tiramusu and didn't even bother to look up the Points or track it. 

There's other stuff I didn't do, but you get the idea.

Exercise: 7 days.  This is the only thing I did every day, I've got the exercise part down, it's just the rest of it I sucked at doing.

I feel like I cheated the system. This is NOT how a good little Weight Watcher operates. 

Somehow I still had a good loss. A fluke of nature? I was hoping for even a one-pound loss after my five-pound loss the previous week. I'm closing in on my goal weight and the losing process should be slowing down. I know this game well, been here, done this, more than once.

I guess I can just chalk it up to luck. Although I'd better get back on the horse, because I bet there aren't any more rabbits in that hat.

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Goals

I have only one thing I absolutely have to do this week:

Track my freaking food

Why is this so difficult? Drives me nuts that I can't stick with this one tiny task that's absolutely critical to my success. I don't care if I do anything else right this week, but I will track my food. Focus Diana, focus!

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Exercise Tip

I finally figured something out. It's only taken me a whole year!

I've always preferred doing my cardio routine first, followed by my weight routine. I read that it's really suppose to be the other way around. Even my personal trainer I had last fall made me do the strength first, then cardio. I hated it! I prefer to get the thing that I hate the most, cardio, done first so I don't have to worry about it.  I like lifting weights so I save the best for last.

For some reason, last night I thought I'd mix it up. I did a 5-minute fast moving elliptical warmup, then 45 minutes of weights, then another 35 minutes on the elliptical.

Wow! What a huge difference in my workout. I felt so much stronger lifting the weights. I wasn't tired and feeling like I just wanted to get it over with. It was so much better.

Then when I got on the elliptical, my heart rate shot up quickly. I felt like I had a really great workout. Who knew the experts were correct?

Not one, not two, not three, but four!

That's how many rock walls I climbed Thursday, four walls, with increasing difficulty and all the way to the top. I felt like Spiderwoman and Superwoman wrapped up into one. It was the most exhilarating thing I've done in a long time. 

Here I am, going up the first wall. This was the easiest one (we called it the toddler wall) and they got much harder after this one. Keep in mind the guy going up next to me, Ken, a coworker and a friend, is 6' 2", 145 pounds and 37 years old. I'm 5' 6", 157 pounds and 53 years old. Of course he's going to be faster than me. But hey, I did it!

When we first arrived at Vertical World we were all a little nervous. I kept saying to myself, "what the hell did I get myself into?". Several of my coworkers came up to me and said the same thing, "Diana, what the hell did you get us into?!" I heard that line over and over, followed by nervous laughter. The height of the walls is very intimidating when you're standing on the ground looking up. It's hard to wrap your mind around climbing up a vertical surface some 30  to 40 feet in the air. There's a little thing called gravity that makes it seem impossible. It's not impossible. I did it and loved it! 

If I hadn't been working out like a woman possessed for the past year I would not have been able to get up any of those walls. It was hard enough with an extra 23 pounds on my frame. If it had been an extra 104 pounds, there is no way I would have chosen rock climbing as my event of choice for my party. Instead, it would have been the fancy lunch and an afternoon movie, the traditional choice of anniversary celebrations. It made me feel young to pick something so athletic and even the 35-year olds thought it was challenging and a kick to do.

It reminded me that we always should be physically fit for whatever life throws at us. Whether it's climbing a rock wall or perhaps something more life threatening, such as unexpected but much needed surgery. 

My best girlfriend was diagnosed with a brain tumor three years ago. She had to have eleven hours of brain surgery. She was worried, as was her surgeon, because she was more than 100 pounds overweight. The risks with major surgery are magnified tremendously when the patient is severely overweight. She told me she really wished she'd taken better care of herself because now she might die on the operating table because of her lack of self-care. She came through it just fine, but it was a very scary time for her and her family. 

That's what it all boils down to: self-care. Do we care enough to take care of our bodies? Maybe it's just something fun, like climbing a rock wall or opening day at the pool with your kids or riding in a 100-mile bike ride and giving it your best. Or maybe it's some type of critical surgery that your life depends on. Will you be ready? Think about that the next time you want to throw this all out the window. The next time you want to say to hell with counting Points, to hell with the freaking treadmill, to hell with the whole thing. You might as well be saying to hell with your life.

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Exercise

Thursday - Climbed 4 rock walls

                     Elliptical - 30 minutes

                     Weights - 60 minutes

Friday - Treadmill, running 6.0 & 4.0 (with incline 15) - 20 minutes

               Crossramp - 20 minutes

               Elliptical - 20 minutes

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Postive Body Image Talk

Well, after seeing that video I can tell you it's not my butt! Sorry, I couldn't resist. What a horrible angle.

I do like my deltoids though. My shoulders are shaping up nicely from all my weight lifting.

Listening to the voices in my head

Today, Thursday, is the big party, Diana's 25-year anniversary with with the company party where I chose the event to be climbing a rock wall. 

Well, guess what? Now I'm scared. What was I thinking? Suddenly all these rock climbing experts at work have been coming out of the woodwork and giving me advice (they climb real rock walls, outside, in the fresh air). It turns out that it's a very strenuous and challenging sport. You have to plan out your route to get to the top, your hands get slippery with sweat, and it's very difficult. Why didn't I pick a lunch at a fancy restaurant and a movie, like most people?

I know, just go, relax and have fun. That's so not me. I have to over-analyze it, worry about it, wonder if I'll make a fool of myself. I wonder if people will think I've been lying about going to the gym almost every day this past year. What if I can't get up that wall?

I do this with so many things in my life. Including losing weight. For the last several months I was going through a period where I kept telling myself that I'm going to blow this, I'm going to gain all my weight back. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Nothing is different this time. I would have this conversation over and over with myself. 

I would read one guy's blog and over and over he would say that he'd never gain the back the weight he'd lost, that he'd never fail, and that this was for life. At first I thought that was a cocky attitude. I thought we all fail at this, why does he think he's so special. Yes, I'm talking about who you think I'm talking about...but wait...there's more. 

Then something clicked a couple weeks ago. I realized I'm setting myself up for failure with all this negative self-talk. Of course I'm going to fail if that's what I keep telling myself. How stupid am I anyway? If I repeat something over and over in my head then I'm going to believe it and I'm going to do it. I was setting myself up for complete failure at losing weight and maintaining a loss. 

This whole time there's been a little voice in the back of my head that I kept hearing, but ignoring. It talks softly and it's weak, but it keeps trying to tell me something. It keeps saying, but this time IS different Diana. This time YOU can do it. You can lose the weight and keep it off. Really, you can do this. Yes, I hear voices in my head, doesn't everyone?

My point is, that guy that I thought was cocky, well, he's right, he has the right attitude. We have to set out to win at this. We have to believe in ourselves. If we don't, then there's simply no point to even bother losing the weight if we think we're going to gain it all back. We may as well just give up right now. Don't put yourself through all the aggravation and misery. Eat whatever you want because it's not going to matter in the long run. 

I know you have that little voice talking in your head too. I hear it all the time from people. They say they feel like maybe this time is different. Maybe they can do this. Listen to that little voice. We can all do this and this time it is different. We can lose the weight and keep it off for life. We can all be successful at this. It's not impossible, people do this and they are successful at it. Just listen to the positive voice in your head and tell that negative one to shut the hell up.

Oh, and the rock wall, you can bet your sweet ass I will make it to the top today.

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Exercise

Yesterday was a day off, to rest my injured shoulder, knee and ankle before the rock climbing today.

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Food Tip of the Day

If you're not eating Jicama on a regular basis, run, don't walk, to your grocery store and buy some. Pamela mentioned it a few weeks ago her blog,  and I had sort of forgotten about Jicama. I love it! Just plain, by itself. It's sweet, crunchy and delicious. It's actually considered a Mexican turnip, which just yesterday I thought it tasted like the turnips I use to pull up in my mother's garden as a kid. Anyway, it's really good.

Best of all, 1 cup is 0 Points, and 2 cups is 1 Point.

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Positive Body Image

Day two of this, and I'm already thinking it was a stupid idea. 

I like my forearms. They're the only part of my body that never gets fat. Even at my highest weight they were the leanest part of my body. My watch and bracelets always fit, even as my dress size went up and up. Now they have some definite muscle tone going on, so I do like my forearms. I hope they work well today to pull me up that rock wall.

Goals: more of the same and then some

Now that I'm done flying high on my big loss for last week, I'm scared. Scared of failure. Isn't that always the way? I do really great, feel proud and happy with myself, sing the praises of how wonderful I am, then fall flat on my face. At least that's how I usually operate. 

In an effort to NOT repeat history here, I'm going to follow the same goals* as last week since they seemed to work for me, but I'm adding a new one: 

Stop the negative self-talk about my body

Let me explain. Every morning when I'm getting dressed, I look at my naked body in the full length mirror. I almost always say something really terrible to myself about my body. 

It's always something derogatory, something I would never say to another human being. Heck, I wouldn't even say it to my cat (of course, he's perfect). I say things like, "Geez, look at my butt, it's so fat." or "I hate my stomach! It's all saggy and ugly." or "I need surgery. Yeah, I need that body lift surgery, I really do." This monologue with myself is a no-win situation. It doesn't change anything, and I feel even worse about how I look.

It's true that my body isn't as firm as it was when I was 20 or 30 or even 40. Things are starting to sag and there's some loose skin, but damn woman, what the hell? I weigh 81.4 pounds less than I did a year ago. I need to cut myself some slack. I need to accept my body for what it is. It's a mature 53-year old body, but it's healthy and flexible and energetic. I can keep up with people half my age, so why am I so fixated on the fact that it's not perfect? I need to get over it. 

A couple of weeks ago I said that as a blogger, if I couldn't say something nice about someone then I wouldn't say anything at all. I'm going to take that a step further regarding myself. I'm going to look at my body every morning and instead of saying something negative, I'm going to say one positive thing about the reflection staring back at me. 

This won't be easy for me because I've hated my body for years. Even when I weighed 127 pounds ten years ago, I hated my body. My hips have always been too wide, my thighs too heavy and my breasts too small. I need to make friends with my body. After all, it's served me well (do I sound like Oprah? I think I do...ugh!).

So my new goal this week is positive self-talk regarding my body. Each day I'll report the positive comment I made about my body. It may be something as inane as 'I have nice toes', but it will be something.

Note: I tried this about two years ago, I think it was a suggestion in a Weight Watcher meeting or in some self-help book I read. I lasted all of two days and ran out of nice things to say about myself. I'll try harder this time. I'll try for a whole week.

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Food Tip

I'm not a fan of Splenda or any other artificial sweeteners because they always taste funny to me, like chemicals. My Weight Watcher leader as well as a coworker have been pushing this candy for months. I finally tried it last week. 

The only flavor that's really good is the Mint Chocolate Chip. The other flavors tasted nasty (as least I thought so). Four pieces of candy are one Point. I usually only eat one or maybe two pieces at the most. I can't justify wasting a whole Point on essentially a non-food item, but it's a nice little treat. In the Seattle area you can buy it at Bartells, a local drugstore chain. It's good but not so good that you'll want to eat the whole bag.

Baskin Robbins Sugar Free Smooth & Cream Hard Candy - Mint Chocolate Chip

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Exercise

30 minutes elliptical

35 minutes strength -  lower

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Positive comment about my body

I have nice feet and toes. I had a pedicure today, with very dark red polish, and they look nice. 

Okay, that wasn't so bad, just very unnatural.

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Goals for the week of 2/2/2009*

* Journal, not just up until 3pm, but all day.

* Aim to lose one pound this week. Goal weight for 2/9/2009 is 156.8.   <---One pound goal

* Take my vitamins, Omega 3 fish oil capsules and calcium every day.