in a few more minutes, i'll be off to the efcm youth camp in seri malaysia, sepang. will be there for 4 days and 3 nights. it's called life game, where we are at first 15 years old, then at every 3 hours or so, we age a year older, or something to the effect that we are living our life out...as though it's real...we make decisions in life, live with the consequences of it, bla bla bla...will update more bout the camp after the camp...
after camp, i'll be heading straight back to pj and will be celebrating new year there... whether i'll be celebrating alone or with other peeps...it's for me to decide i guess...lately, i realised i've been avoiding as many peeps as i can. even in church and outside of home. seems like i'm running away and hiding from something...or perhaps it's someone...i dont know
anyway, the apartment is starting its renovation today. cheryl's sister, amanda, is making another room in the living room. wonder how's it going to be like. more peeps in the house then... =) cant wait to go back there.
and yeah...cheryl got robbed on christmas day.... was shocked when i read it on keen keen's blog...it's the 2 nd time in hmm...one month? she was injured too, i think...correct me if i'm wrong, cheryl... =p hope she's recovering from it.
i cut my hair...and i HATE it...its short...yucks...
okie..time to go...hope i'll find what i want to find in camp and face Him somehow....and know the truth that i want....
DID THE KING CREATED TEARS?
did He created tears?
tears of joy,
tears of sadness,
tears of grieving,
tears of disappointment,
tears of hatret,
tears of love,
tears of peace,
tears of loneliness,
tears of betrayal,
tears of being lost,
tears of running away,
tears of hiding away,
tears of running towards,
tears of imperfection,
tears of blame,
tears of hurt,
tears of togetherness,
tears of tragedy,
tears of regret,
tears of gratefulness.
a mixture of tears.
did He create all these different tears??
tears of joy,
tears of sadness,
tears of grieving,
tears of disappointment,
tears of hatret,
tears of love,
tears of peace,
tears of loneliness,
tears of betrayal,
tears of being lost,
tears of running away,
tears of hiding away,
tears of running towards,
tears of imperfection,
tears of blame,
tears of hurt,
tears of togetherness,
tears of tragedy,
tears of regret,
tears of gratefulness.
a mixture of tears.
did He create all these different tears??
EXCITEMENT??
excitement?
to be excited for something, is something to experience for ourself...
anything can bring excitement
just a trip to a place
just a thought of our loved one
a touch on the hand
a smile on the face
a word or two
it simply brings excitement in its own way
the feeling of being excited is wonderful
to always wonder what will happen next
to be in anticipation for what's to come
to have sleepless nights
to have a big smile the whole day
to laugh, to have joy
but what if the feeling is gone?
would that person be dead in emotions?
no longer being excited for anything
not even a ride in the car
not even a smile
not even any events or occassion
not even a song
it is dead
when all emotions are gone
anger, disappointment, sadness
even happiness, laughter, smiles
when all emotions are gone
nothing is left but...
an alive person who's dead in emotions
as though the spirit has left the body
when will the spirit be back?
when will all the emotions return?
it's so empty to be without any emotions....
to be excited for something, is something to experience for ourself...
anything can bring excitement
just a trip to a place
just a thought of our loved one
a touch on the hand
a smile on the face
a word or two
it simply brings excitement in its own way
the feeling of being excited is wonderful
to always wonder what will happen next
to be in anticipation for what's to come
to have sleepless nights
to have a big smile the whole day
to laugh, to have joy
but what if the feeling is gone?
would that person be dead in emotions?
no longer being excited for anything
not even a ride in the car
not even a smile
not even any events or occassion
not even a song
it is dead
when all emotions are gone
anger, disappointment, sadness
even happiness, laughter, smiles
when all emotions are gone
nothing is left but...
an alive person who's dead in emotions
as though the spirit has left the body
when will the spirit be back?
when will all the emotions return?
it's so empty to be without any emotions....
ASUNTO MENOR (minor matters)
matter 1 - flooded malacca
malacca has been raining for the past 5 days or so non-stop which resulted to a flood in certain areas here. 3 church members place was affected. one of them, a family of four, is the worst. with two young girls, they are very devastated with it. the water was right up to the house roof top. they just bought a 2nd hand piano too and now it's gone. just like that. even my godsister's place was affected too. to her, it's fun..in a way that they can 'play' with water (so she says). good thing it has stopped raining...but the weather forecast predicts that the rain will start again.
matter 2 - wet christmas
due to the flood, the church christmas programmes has been cancelled. a few of them though. instead of a so-called 'white christmas'..it will be a WET CHRISTMAS!!!
matter 3 - future roommates
i'm so not looking forward in staying with my future roommates...at least one of them. made a mistake in bringing her to see the place. now that she likes it, it's going to be hard to change her mind bout it. she has a temper, doesn't like to socialise, anti-guys, used to be problematic too. the other one, i'm ok with her. the actual plan was for me to stay with her...not the other one. somehow, due to some reason, got stucked with her.
matter 4 - job hunting
decided to work next year. get a weekend part time job some where near by. will have to start looking when i get back to pj. anyone offering jobs in section 14 or jaya or amcorp mall???
matter 5 - house matter
house matter? dont quite know how to put it here...just that...the house is in need of repairs...got to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!! lighten my parents load.
malacca has been raining for the past 5 days or so non-stop which resulted to a flood in certain areas here. 3 church members place was affected. one of them, a family of four, is the worst. with two young girls, they are very devastated with it. the water was right up to the house roof top. they just bought a 2nd hand piano too and now it's gone. just like that. even my godsister's place was affected too. to her, it's fun..in a way that they can 'play' with water (so she says). good thing it has stopped raining...but the weather forecast predicts that the rain will start again.
matter 2 - wet christmas
due to the flood, the church christmas programmes has been cancelled. a few of them though. instead of a so-called 'white christmas'..it will be a WET CHRISTMAS!!!
matter 3 - future roommates
i'm so not looking forward in staying with my future roommates...at least one of them. made a mistake in bringing her to see the place. now that she likes it, it's going to be hard to change her mind bout it. she has a temper, doesn't like to socialise, anti-guys, used to be problematic too. the other one, i'm ok with her. the actual plan was for me to stay with her...not the other one. somehow, due to some reason, got stucked with her.
matter 4 - job hunting
decided to work next year. get a weekend part time job some where near by. will have to start looking when i get back to pj. anyone offering jobs in section 14 or jaya or amcorp mall???
matter 5 - house matter
house matter? dont quite know how to put it here...just that...the house is in need of repairs...got to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!! lighten my parents load.
KL TRIP ( 16/12 -21/12)
Sat (16/12)
took a bus up with my younger sister - met up with my elder sis at taman bahagia station - my cousin, leona, picked us up and sent us to the house in sec 17 - a total mess happening - got my dear prince to picked us up and sent us to my old apartment - shifted my things there - both my sisters went to klang (or is it puchong) to stay at my elder sister's room - went to jaya alone - shopped and spent bout RM 80++ for a book, gifts, cards - bought dinner from pizza hut for my apartment mates - watched final fantasy - slept while watching it halfway
Sun (17/12)
got up early - went to church where my prince also attend - was at star kids to see how they go about with it - met new friends - like this particular small girl, Xin Ern, 4 years old, always on her own - went lunch with some of the teens there - took lrt to amcorp mall - shopped and spent a lot (~RM 100) at amcorp mall - borrowed a book, bought christmas gift for the prince's parents, some beany bears from mc donald's, bought a wallet for the prince as well - took the lrt back to asia jaya station - walked to jaya to meet the prince - went to selayang - supposed to visit a friend in the hospital - but in the end, didn't - the prince stop me at some ktm - took the ktm to sentral and transit back to asia jaya - wanted to walk back to the apartment but too dark - so, took a cab back - went out for dinner with a coursemate - went to the prince condo to pass some things - and head back to sleep
Mon (18/12)
didn't really know what to do that day - supposed to find a place - but wasn't up for it - went to starbucks, jaya - sat there with my lappy - posted here - had to leave starbucks before tears started dropping - wanted to walk back to the apartment - but decided to go amcorp mall again - went to watch a movie there 'casino royale' - after show, went back to apartment - washed my hair - read the book - created a mess with the prince - cried to sleep
Tues (19/12)
got up early - went out with my apartment mates to campus - took my student bill - online at the ict lab while waiting for ker li and fong - took a bus to pudu - brought them to sec 14 to see a place 'millenium square' - walked to campus - settled ker li's payment, etc - walked to sec 17 to find a room for fong - ended up with disappointment - took a bus to sentral - transit monorail to sungei wang - didn't spend buying anything there - walked to petaling street - followed them for dinner but didn't join them - discussed and decided we'll shift in to the room in millenium square - went to find something important at petaling street - took us quite some time - after i finally found it, bought it, went our separate ways - they headed back to pudu for the 7.30 bus - i took a bus back - got my coursemate to fetch me on his motor back to the apartment - supposed to go on a date with the prince, dressed up - but didn't - he was there waiting for me already when i arrived at my apartment - packed my things, put it in his car, went for dinner - ended up at noodle house for dinner - we somehow, in a way, settled things - shifted my things to the apartment in sec 14 - had a wonderful night with the prince - after he left, talked to cheryl (my new apartment mate) a while - went to sleep
Wed (20/12)
got up early to let my apartment mate out - went back to sleep - got up, started cleaning the room and toilet, set some things up - walked to jaya to duplicate the set of keys - stayed in starbucks again while waiting for the keys to be ready - left jaya bout 4 something before the management office of millenium square closes - settled a payment for cheryl and inquired bout the access cards - got back, swept and mop the living room, kitchen, and the cooking area - took a bath - walked to sec 14 mamak for dinner with my coursemate -hurried to the prince apartment to exchange some things since my coursemate and i had to be back by 10pm - went back to apartment with cheryl waiting for me at the guard house - talked on the phone a while with the prince - talked to cheryl a while - then, she went to sleep, and i la di da... - slept
Thur (21/12)
got up - packed my clothes - went to pudu - bought my bus ticket - took the 11.30am bus back - reached malacca bout 1.30pm - my cousin, lesley, fetched me back home - and here i am...back at my home sweet home =)
took a bus up with my younger sister - met up with my elder sis at taman bahagia station - my cousin, leona, picked us up and sent us to the house in sec 17 - a total mess happening - got my dear prince to picked us up and sent us to my old apartment - shifted my things there - both my sisters went to klang (or is it puchong) to stay at my elder sister's room - went to jaya alone - shopped and spent bout RM 80++ for a book, gifts, cards - bought dinner from pizza hut for my apartment mates - watched final fantasy - slept while watching it halfway
Sun (17/12)
got up early - went to church where my prince also attend - was at star kids to see how they go about with it - met new friends - like this particular small girl, Xin Ern, 4 years old, always on her own - went lunch with some of the teens there - took lrt to amcorp mall - shopped and spent a lot (~RM 100) at amcorp mall - borrowed a book, bought christmas gift for the prince's parents, some beany bears from mc donald's, bought a wallet for the prince as well - took the lrt back to asia jaya station - walked to jaya to meet the prince - went to selayang - supposed to visit a friend in the hospital - but in the end, didn't - the prince stop me at some ktm - took the ktm to sentral and transit back to asia jaya - wanted to walk back to the apartment but too dark - so, took a cab back - went out for dinner with a coursemate - went to the prince condo to pass some things - and head back to sleep
Mon (18/12)
didn't really know what to do that day - supposed to find a place - but wasn't up for it - went to starbucks, jaya - sat there with my lappy - posted here - had to leave starbucks before tears started dropping - wanted to walk back to the apartment - but decided to go amcorp mall again - went to watch a movie there 'casino royale' - after show, went back to apartment - washed my hair - read the book - created a mess with the prince - cried to sleep
Tues (19/12)
got up early - went out with my apartment mates to campus - took my student bill - online at the ict lab while waiting for ker li and fong - took a bus to pudu - brought them to sec 14 to see a place 'millenium square' - walked to campus - settled ker li's payment, etc - walked to sec 17 to find a room for fong - ended up with disappointment - took a bus to sentral - transit monorail to sungei wang - didn't spend buying anything there - walked to petaling street - followed them for dinner but didn't join them - discussed and decided we'll shift in to the room in millenium square - went to find something important at petaling street - took us quite some time - after i finally found it, bought it, went our separate ways - they headed back to pudu for the 7.30 bus - i took a bus back - got my coursemate to fetch me on his motor back to the apartment - supposed to go on a date with the prince, dressed up - but didn't - he was there waiting for me already when i arrived at my apartment - packed my things, put it in his car, went for dinner - ended up at noodle house for dinner - we somehow, in a way, settled things - shifted my things to the apartment in sec 14 - had a wonderful night with the prince - after he left, talked to cheryl (my new apartment mate) a while - went to sleep
Wed (20/12)
got up early to let my apartment mate out - went back to sleep - got up, started cleaning the room and toilet, set some things up - walked to jaya to duplicate the set of keys - stayed in starbucks again while waiting for the keys to be ready - left jaya bout 4 something before the management office of millenium square closes - settled a payment for cheryl and inquired bout the access cards - got back, swept and mop the living room, kitchen, and the cooking area - took a bath - walked to sec 14 mamak for dinner with my coursemate -hurried to the prince apartment to exchange some things since my coursemate and i had to be back by 10pm - went back to apartment with cheryl waiting for me at the guard house - talked on the phone a while with the prince - talked to cheryl a while - then, she went to sleep, and i la di da... - slept
Thur (21/12)
got up - packed my clothes - went to pudu - bought my bus ticket - took the 11.30am bus back - reached malacca bout 1.30pm - my cousin, lesley, fetched me back home - and here i am...back at my home sweet home =)
MESSY KL TRIP
this time kl trip, it's a total mess and a few decisions made. why?
1. got 'kicked' out of the house because of our fault...we didnt pay the full deposit. so, he rented it out at a higher price to a person who wants the whole house, where as we only rent the rooms. a big disappointment which leads to emotional distress.
2. read a topic in utar cf forum that pierced my heart, leading to spiritual thirst, but not being quenched somehow, that leads to lose of faith.
3. lack of love and trust towards the big guy, which led to a tiring night of thinking...thinking of the mess in my life....and realising that i dont want to lose this one special person.
4. unfortunately i hurt that one special person...yet, i dont know how to say it....
5. friends? what the heck bout friends when you need them the most?
6. looking for a job for next semester...somewhere nearby where ever i'm living.
7. still looking for a place to stay...
8. decided to stop going for cf next semester...please...cf peeps...dont ask me anything bout it. when it's time to tell, i'll tell. dewgem-->i'll e-mail you bout it later.
9. respect vs. promise? i choose respect. thanks for respecting me for who i am.
10. head knowledge is nothing without the heart knowledge...just like a body without the soul.
11. clement-->if He's real, He will show Himself to me, right? i'll wait for that day...but for the time being, 'the greatest is love' has no meaning to me.
1. got 'kicked' out of the house because of our fault...we didnt pay the full deposit. so, he rented it out at a higher price to a person who wants the whole house, where as we only rent the rooms. a big disappointment which leads to emotional distress.
2. read a topic in utar cf forum that pierced my heart, leading to spiritual thirst, but not being quenched somehow, that leads to lose of faith.
3. lack of love and trust towards the big guy, which led to a tiring night of thinking...thinking of the mess in my life....and realising that i dont want to lose this one special person.
4. unfortunately i hurt that one special person...yet, i dont know how to say it....
5. friends? what the heck bout friends when you need them the most?
6. looking for a job for next semester...somewhere nearby where ever i'm living.
7. still looking for a place to stay...
8. decided to stop going for cf next semester...please...cf peeps...dont ask me anything bout it. when it's time to tell, i'll tell. dewgem-->i'll e-mail you bout it later.
9. respect vs. promise? i choose respect. thanks for respecting me for who i am.
10. head knowledge is nothing without the heart knowledge...just like a body without the soul.
11. clement-->if He's real, He will show Himself to me, right? i'll wait for that day...but for the time being, 'the greatest is love' has no meaning to me.
BLA BLA BLA HERE & THERE
i have a hermit crab which name is kay, named after my twin sis. kay use to belong to my twin sis..but because her mum didnt allow her to keep it, she gave it to me. will buy another 2 more crabby...one name zee and the other jay.
kay is so cute. when kay walks on my palms, the feeling is so different. i actually dare to touch kay...when i dont dare to touch a tortoise at all. kay is just so different. kay is my best friend now. kay knows when i cry, kay knows when i'm down, kay is simply the best crabby i can ever have for now.
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pj/kl sucks...hate the life here..cant wait to finish my 3 years. can i just give up studying??
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starbucks rawks...having a chocolate chip drink while using their wi-fi at the moment...can spend the whole day here....
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sick to the stomach with peeps who are not considerate...me included...
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i totally agree with 101% that talking is indeed more difficult than listening....refer to one of the post in the prince's blog....caring & loving someone is also more difficult than loving our ownself loving oneself is more difficult if that oneself keeps hurting themselves....
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is trust believing in something we dont see???
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why keep standing up and fight when each fall is harder than before??
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how to overcome evil with good?
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kay is so cute. when kay walks on my palms, the feeling is so different. i actually dare to touch kay...when i dont dare to touch a tortoise at all. kay is just so different. kay is my best friend now. kay knows when i cry, kay knows when i'm down, kay is simply the best crabby i can ever have for now.
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pj/kl sucks...hate the life here..cant wait to finish my 3 years. can i just give up studying??
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starbucks rawks...having a chocolate chip drink while using their wi-fi at the moment...can spend the whole day here....
-------------------------------------------
sick to the stomach with peeps who are not considerate...me included...
------------------------------------------
i totally agree with 101% that talking is indeed more difficult than listening....refer to one of the post in the prince's blog....
------------------------------------------
is trust believing in something we dont see???
------------------------------------------
why keep standing up and fight when each fall is harder than before??
------------------------------------------
how to overcome evil with good?
----------------------------------------
DISCOURAGING & CONFUSED DECEMBER
the month of december sucks to the max. it's suppose to the be a month of celebration, a month of reflection, a month of joy and happiness, but how wrong i was. it's the worst december that i ever had.
december is a total mess of plans, ideas, feelings and thoughts. disappointment, discouragement, sadness, endless sleepless nights, the tired mind, all negative.
yeah...trying to be positive...trying to cheer up...trying to have a different point of view bout things that is happening...did cheer up, was positive, did have a different perspective of things...but what for? just to stand up and fall hard on the bum again?
yeah..i do want an exciting life...a journey with Him that is so exciting and challenging...but where is He? where is He in my heart? why dont i feel Him? so what if i know the facts bout Him being there for me and bla bla bla when i dont feel Him? is my faith still there? do i still trust Him completely?
events this month are all a total blow at my face. someone said i was growing up...but am i? i dont get it. i'm tired...yeah...i'm always saying i'm tired but i still fight with it....but how long am i going to stay strong and fight?
i have already broken my promise to everyone in cf camp, to the person i love, to many peeps...that is just once after so long...but what next? thoughts of something worst comes to my mind often...so often that i'm afraid it will turn to actions. afraid it might come true...then what? by that time, what else is there to say?
can i end it?? can i put a pause to it? dare i think of what might happen after i decide to either put an end or pause to it? dare i lose that something and someone special?
can someone please tell me what to do and think for now? my whole life is in a mess at the moment. dont know what to do, dont know what to think.
december is a total mess of plans, ideas, feelings and thoughts. disappointment, discouragement, sadness, endless sleepless nights, the tired mind, all negative.
yeah...trying to be positive...trying to cheer up...trying to have a different point of view bout things that is happening...did cheer up, was positive, did have a different perspective of things...but what for? just to stand up and fall hard on the bum again?
yeah..i do want an exciting life...a journey with Him that is so exciting and challenging...but where is He? where is He in my heart? why dont i feel Him? so what if i know the facts bout Him being there for me and bla bla bla when i dont feel Him? is my faith still there? do i still trust Him completely?
events this month are all a total blow at my face. someone said i was growing up...but am i? i dont get it. i'm tired...yeah...i'm always saying i'm tired but i still fight with it....but how long am i going to stay strong and fight?
i have already broken my promise to everyone in cf camp, to the person i love, to many peeps...that is just once after so long...but what next? thoughts of something worst comes to my mind often...so often that i'm afraid it will turn to actions. afraid it might come true...then what? by that time, what else is there to say?
can i end it?? can i put a pause to it? dare i think of what might happen after i decide to either put an end or pause to it? dare i lose that something and someone special?
can someone please tell me what to do and think for now? my whole life is in a mess at the moment. dont know what to do, dont know what to think.
CHRISTMAS ISN'T CHRISTMAS...TILL IT HAPPENS IN YOUR HEART
Christmas isn't christmas
Till it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts
So give your heart to Jesus
You'll discover when you do
That it's christmas
Really Christmas for you
Jesus brings warmth like a winter fire
A light like a candle's glow
He's waiting now to come inside
As He did so long ago
Jesus brings gifts of truth and life
And makes them bloom an grow
So welcome Him with a song of joy
And when He comes you'll know
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singing this song at choir practice last night, made me realised that...christmas...really isnt christmas...till it happens...in your heart. some how, throughout all these years, i thought i knew the meaning of christmas...yeah..i may know the story of christmas...but the true meaning of christmas?? i'm yet to find out.
being a 2nd generation, most of us tend to take the things we know from the Bible for granted. as in, we have head knowledge...but how many of us can really say it with proudness that we also have the heart for it? i cant definitely.
lately, there's lots of questions going through my mind. questions to question my faith like... what do i really believe in? i know for a fact, God is real...i have experienced Him many times...but, in my heart, do i really know it as a fact?
christmas every year is just the same...no difference. sing christmas songs for christmas morning church service, go carolling, gifts exchange, etc. to me, it's just another occasion to give and receive. yeah...i know in the head it's His birthday, in a way, but the heart just isnt there.
i remember my sunday school teacher told me once...it's the matter of the heart. God looks into our heart. but what if it's just not there? the heart is very deceiving as well. how can we trust our own heart?
of course, head knowledge + heart knowledge is what He wants. from the head, it needs to go to the heart. but seems like mine is stucked at the head and not going to the heart.
anyway...it's a personal struggle now in my walk with Him. having a difficult time sorting things out some how. i do need a good break from all the things of the world...and to just spend a few precious days with Him to sort things out with Him. when will that day be?
4th - 10th DEC 2006
time for real updates...been crapping a lot with emo issues...
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4th Dec - Monday
all i did that day was to watch a japanese anime called 'spiral'...a mystery solving anime that i enjoyed so much. watched it from after dinner till bout 4 something...and woke up at 8 something to continue watching it...couldnt stop myself from watching it. if it wasnt because my parents would get up at 7 something, i definitely would have continued watching till i finished the whole show in the morning. i did finish it the next day though.
5th Dec - Tuesday
finished watching 'spiral' in the morning, slept in the afternoon. started watching a chinese drama...a long time ago popular tv drama, 'meteor garden'. night time was choir practice. came back too tired...slept early.
6th Dec - Wednesday
cant remember what i did in the day time...but at night...i continued watching 'meteor garden' till 5.30 am this time. didnt go for youth prayer meeting though. ern tsyr couldnt make it that day.
7th Dec - Thursday
cant remember too what i did that day...except that i went for choir practice again at night. didnt sleep early though.
8th Dec - Friday
my younger sister and both my godsister's birthday. didnt wish my godsister till almost midnight though...was on purpose. and thanks to my dear prince, he wished my sister on our behalf. that was on purpose too as my sis didnt know his hp number. went out the whole day with my twin sis though. went shopping for clothes...she was the one who was supposed to be the one doing in the shopping in the afternoon but ended i spent bout rm90+ for a black pants, 2 final fantasy jigsaw puzzle, 3 final fantasy posters, a movie ticket and lunch. watched 'happy feet' as i posted in my previous post. met up with my darling whom i've not seen for quite some time now. went to fetch my dad after work. took a shower and i'm out again with my twin sis. back to shopping a while. she spent rm158 on 2 mng blouses just for her birthday party the next day. went to jonker with her and melissa...met up with my another godsis, jein and her friend...my twin sis bought a hermit crab which she's giving it to me on thurs coz her mum wont let her keep it. broke my 5days fast...had a bad day somehow...talked to my dear prince till bout 1 something.
9th Dec - Saturday
woke up early...been watching 'meteor garden' when ever i can find time. went to riviera bay for high tea with my twin sis for her birthday with 2 of her cousins, my ex-classmate, peh yin, and a jerk. came back bout 5 something, rested a while, fetched my sis from uni, took a shower, and went for choir practice till 11 something. super tired that day. ehxausting actually.
10th Dec - Sunday
my twin sis 20th birthday. has a presentation at one of the shopping complex here known as dataran which just opened. glad that my twin sis could watch it. glad that my godsister, jein, came in time too to watch me dance. glad that my ex-classmate, bryan, came too to give his support. not happy at all that the jerk came. regretted inviting the jerk. had fun at dinner with both my sisters. been a long time since we last hang out together. came back super duper tired coz was in a really high-heeled boots during the presentation. night time was a horrible time for me. had a tensed conversation with my prince. been crying for the past few nights till my eyes was actually kinda 'bengkak'. but on this day...it was the worst...thanks to the jerk. made my dear prince's pillow so wet with my tears.
----------------------------
and today...stayed home the whole day. felt terrible in the morning because of crying last night and with what happened...thanks to that jerk. my dear prince is now in inti college, nilai, though...for a camp...he'll be there till friday...and i'm missing him terrible already. finally finished watching the whole episodes of 'meteor garden' that consist of 27 episodes. and now...here i am posting....
one good thing happened today though...i rededicated my life back to my King. have been struggling with something that happened in the past. it was hindering me from moving on, from having a happy life. but He has assured me tonight...that those things that happened...i'm not going to sit down and cry over it and regret bout it any more. it's time to take a stand and make a decision. i'm not going to let satan take control of my life by letting the past haunt me...but to move on...i choose to live a happy life with my family...and definitely with my dear prince too.
i have been quite a pain to my dearest prince for that one week. been very very emo to the max. but he still is so patient with me. always there for me no matter what. even when he has his own personal problem that he didnt tell me...he was still there...and i was so silly to not think of what he was going through. but from now on...i'll learn to be more sensitive to his needs as he is to mine.
somehow, today, i truly cherish my dearest prince...and it's all thanks to our King that He made it possible...and as long as He allows...i choose to be with my dear prince...for as the saying goes...'alone, they are two..together, they are one'. when we're alone, we're an individual...but when we're together, we are one...the pain, the joy, the sadness, the happiness, the problems, the solutions, the burdens...it's shared between each other. after all....
--------------------------
4th Dec - Monday
all i did that day was to watch a japanese anime called 'spiral'...a mystery solving anime that i enjoyed so much. watched it from after dinner till bout 4 something...and woke up at 8 something to continue watching it...couldnt stop myself from watching it. if it wasnt because my parents would get up at 7 something, i definitely would have continued watching till i finished the whole show in the morning. i did finish it the next day though.
5th Dec - Tuesday
finished watching 'spiral' in the morning, slept in the afternoon. started watching a chinese drama...a long time ago popular tv drama, 'meteor garden'. night time was choir practice. came back too tired...slept early.
6th Dec - Wednesday
cant remember what i did in the day time...but at night...i continued watching 'meteor garden' till 5.30 am this time. didnt go for youth prayer meeting though. ern tsyr couldnt make it that day.
7th Dec - Thursday
cant remember too what i did that day...except that i went for choir practice again at night. didnt sleep early though.
8th Dec - Friday
my younger sister and both my godsister's birthday. didnt wish my godsister till almost midnight though...was on purpose. and thanks to my dear prince, he wished my sister on our behalf. that was on purpose too as my sis didnt know his hp number. went out the whole day with my twin sis though. went shopping for clothes...she was the one who was supposed to be the one doing in the shopping in the afternoon but ended i spent bout rm90+ for a black pants, 2 final fantasy jigsaw puzzle, 3 final fantasy posters, a movie ticket and lunch. watched 'happy feet' as i posted in my previous post. met up with my darling whom i've not seen for quite some time now. went to fetch my dad after work. took a shower and i'm out again with my twin sis. back to shopping a while. she spent rm158 on 2 mng blouses just for her birthday party the next day. went to jonker with her and melissa...met up with my another godsis, jein and her friend...my twin sis bought a hermit crab which she's giving it to me on thurs coz her mum wont let her keep it. broke my 5days fast...had a bad day somehow...talked to my dear prince till bout 1 something.
9th Dec - Saturday
woke up early...been watching 'meteor garden' when ever i can find time. went to riviera bay for high tea with my twin sis for her birthday with 2 of her cousins, my ex-classmate, peh yin, and a jerk. came back bout 5 something, rested a while, fetched my sis from uni, took a shower, and went for choir practice till 11 something. super tired that day. ehxausting actually.
10th Dec - Sunday
my twin sis 20th birthday. has a presentation at one of the shopping complex here known as dataran which just opened. glad that my twin sis could watch it. glad that my godsister, jein, came in time too to watch me dance. glad that my ex-classmate, bryan, came too to give his support. not happy at all that the jerk came. regretted inviting the jerk. had fun at dinner with both my sisters. been a long time since we last hang out together. came back super duper tired coz was in a really high-heeled boots during the presentation. night time was a horrible time for me. had a tensed conversation with my prince. been crying for the past few nights till my eyes was actually kinda 'bengkak'. but on this day...it was the worst...thanks to the jerk. made my dear prince's pillow so wet with my tears.
----------------------------
and today...stayed home the whole day. felt terrible in the morning because of crying last night and with what happened...thanks to that jerk. my dear prince is now in inti college, nilai, though...for a camp...he'll be there till friday...and i'm missing him terrible already. finally finished watching the whole episodes of 'meteor garden' that consist of 27 episodes. and now...here i am posting....
one good thing happened today though...i rededicated my life back to my King. have been struggling with something that happened in the past. it was hindering me from moving on, from having a happy life. but He has assured me tonight...that those things that happened...i'm not going to sit down and cry over it and regret bout it any more. it's time to take a stand and make a decision. i'm not going to let satan take control of my life by letting the past haunt me...but to move on...i choose to live a happy life with my family...and definitely with my dear prince too.
i have been quite a pain to my dearest prince for that one week. been very very emo to the max. but he still is so patient with me. always there for me no matter what. even when he has his own personal problem that he didnt tell me...he was still there...and i was so silly to not think of what he was going through. but from now on...i'll learn to be more sensitive to his needs as he is to mine.
somehow, today, i truly cherish my dearest prince...and it's all thanks to our King that He made it possible...and as long as He allows...i choose to be with my dear prince...for as the saying goes...'alone, they are two..together, they are one'. when we're alone, we're an individual...but when we're together, we are one...the pain, the joy, the sadness, the happiness, the problems, the solutions, the burdens...it's shared between each other. after all....
ALONE, THEY ARE TWO...TOGETHER, THEY ARE ONE!! =)
WOUNDED HEART
the heart is so fragile,
that it gets hurt easily,
not only hurt,
but wounded too...
when wounded,
it leaves a scar,
and when it's not fully healed,
the hurt comes back,
leaving behind,
a deeper wound and scar,
that's so difficult to heal....
no words,
no medications,
no deeds,
no comfort,
no hugs,
no smiles,
no jokes,
no nothing,
that can ever
heal the deep
wounded heart
that's being hurt
till a scar
will be what's left
to be a reminder
but,
how long?
how long is it going to take?
to heal the wounded heart
that's being hurt?
who's the healer?
my King?
my prince?
my family?
who?
the heart cries
each night
because it;s hurting
hurting so deeply....
that wounded heart,
that's hurt...
till it leaves a scar....
that it gets hurt easily,
not only hurt,
but wounded too...
when wounded,
it leaves a scar,
and when it's not fully healed,
the hurt comes back,
leaving behind,
a deeper wound and scar,
that's so difficult to heal....
no words,
no medications,
no deeds,
no comfort,
no hugs,
no smiles,
no jokes,
no nothing,
that can ever
heal the deep
wounded heart
that's being hurt
till a scar
will be what's left
to be a reminder
but,
how long?
how long is it going to take?
to heal the wounded heart
that's being hurt?
who's the healer?
my King?
my prince?
my family?
who?
the heart cries
each night
because it;s hurting
hurting so deeply....
that wounded heart,
that's hurt...
till it leaves a scar....
HAPPY FEET?? DANCING??
finally i have gone to watch 'Happy Feet' with my twin sister today. my dear prince said it was nice...and i definitely have to agree with him 10% 100%. it's a very nice show...and there's something that i learnt from watching it that kind of applied to what i'm going through at the moment.
anyway, today is my younger sister's birthday...so is both my godsister's, who are sisters. havent wish any of them yet though..plan to wish at the very last minute...as i always do with the peeps close to me.
back to the topic...what does the show got to do with dancing as the title says? at the begining of the show, mumble, the weird penguin, cant sing (which is important to a penguin)...instead, he does this tapping dance with his feet. and it seemed to me that he was enjoying the dance. all of a sudden, it occured to me...the reason my passion for dancing has gone is because...now...each time i dance..it's because of a performance...and it's like a 'must' thing to do...i dance for the sake of doing a performance and i do my best because of the sake of putting up a good show. but that shouldnt be it. the passion should come from my heart. i dance because i love dancing...and dancing my best is simply because i enjoy dancing...not to put up a good but fake show. i forgot bout that part of dancing...dancing from the heart...dancing for enjoyment...dancing for my King.
yes...everyone says i have a talent for dancing..i can actually dance with feelings, with the proper expression...that was last time...then, it was dancing for the sake of dancing, no feelings, no expression....but now...i'm going to dance because i love it and whether it's nice or not...i'll dance for Him and Him alone. He is the one who gives me the talent after all... =)
another thing i learnt in that show was that...do not be afraid to be who you are...yeah...most of the time, peeps may find you weird, or psychotic, or 'cacat', or childish, or immature...but that doesnt really matter. why? simply because He has created us that way. whether we are 'dirty', whether we are a 'betrayer', whether we are 'innocent', or whatever it is...we are who we are...yes, of course there are some things that we should change...but if it feels uncomfortable...then why change? unless the change is for your better or course. but more important is that we feel comfortable for who we are....right, prince?? =p
well...got to go get ready...going out again with my twin sister...been out with her the whole of today...kinda tired already actually...but it's been such a long time since we really hang out together. =) so...it's worth the tiredness...hehe...
anyway, today is my younger sister's birthday...so is both my godsister's, who are sisters. havent wish any of them yet though..plan to wish at the very last minute...as i always do with the peeps close to me.
back to the topic...what does the show got to do with dancing as the title says? at the begining of the show, mumble, the weird penguin, cant sing (which is important to a penguin)...instead, he does this tapping dance with his feet. and it seemed to me that he was enjoying the dance. all of a sudden, it occured to me...the reason my passion for dancing has gone is because...now...each time i dance..it's because of a performance...and it's like a 'must' thing to do...i dance for the sake of doing a performance and i do my best because of the sake of putting up a good show. but that shouldnt be it. the passion should come from my heart. i dance because i love dancing...and dancing my best is simply because i enjoy dancing...not to put up a good but fake show. i forgot bout that part of dancing...dancing from the heart...dancing for enjoyment...dancing for my King.
yes...everyone says i have a talent for dancing..i can actually dance with feelings, with the proper expression...that was last time...then, it was dancing for the sake of dancing, no feelings, no expression....but now...i'm going to dance because i love it and whether it's nice or not...i'll dance for Him and Him alone. He is the one who gives me the talent after all... =)
another thing i learnt in that show was that...do not be afraid to be who you are...yeah...most of the time, peeps may find you weird, or psychotic, or 'cacat', or childish, or immature...but that doesnt really matter. why? simply because He has created us that way. whether we are 'dirty', whether we are a 'betrayer', whether we are 'innocent', or whatever it is...we are who we are...yes, of course there are some things that we should change...but if it feels uncomfortable...then why change? unless the change is for your better or course. but more important is that we feel comfortable for who we are....right, prince?? =p
well...got to go get ready...going out again with my twin sister...been out with her the whole of today...kinda tired already actually...but it's been such a long time since we really hang out together. =) so...it's worth the tiredness...hehe...
PASSION GONE
passion is a very strong emotion or an intense enthusiasm for something according to the oxford dictionary that suits todays title.
but what passion is it that i'm talking about? what strong emotions and what is that something i'm enthusiastic for??
first and formost, my passion for Him. the passion is slowly fading away...somehow. yes, i may still have the fire in me to serve Him...but it's my first love for Him that is fading away. that's the passion i'm talking about. my first love with my King. it has come to the point that all i have is head knowledge as always...but the heart...it's gone...my love passion for my King is gone....
the 2nd passion that is gone...is my dance passion...i love dancing...especially when i'm dancing for my King...but somehow...again...the passion is gone....i cant dance like how i used to anymore...the feelings, the emotions....are gone. i'm not as enthusiastic as before each time i practice a dance. and the feelings for it is fading. dancing with feelings is what my King has given to me...but now...it's dancing for the sake of dancing...which is a tiny burden on my shoulder not being able to dance with feelings.
my passion to reach out to others is slowly fading too...the tiredness of helping this special someone...is slowly eating me up. the problems faced and the consequences of helping...sometimes gets too way out. i still remember someone telling me to love the person and not the problem...yes..i do love her like my own sister...i do love them...and not their problem...but it's discouraging and sad and disappointed to see them get hurt, to see them do something you know is going to destroy their life. and yes...i know i can only leave it to Him...but like i said...i have head knowledge...and not heart....
i do have passion for many other things...which may seem small to peeps...but not to me...i enjoy my passion...that's why it's called passion isnt it? having strong emotions and feeling all enthusiastic for that something? life is nothing without passion...it brings no joy. it brings sadness, it hinders happiness from coming, it brings negativiness...
for now, all i can do...is to continue relying on my King, trusting Him to lead my way...with the head knowledge that i know...i pray He'll bring back that first love i had for Him 7 years ago....
but what passion is it that i'm talking about? what strong emotions and what is that something i'm enthusiastic for??
first and formost, my passion for Him. the passion is slowly fading away...somehow. yes, i may still have the fire in me to serve Him...but it's my first love for Him that is fading away. that's the passion i'm talking about. my first love with my King. it has come to the point that all i have is head knowledge as always...but the heart...it's gone...my love passion for my King is gone....
the 2nd passion that is gone...is my dance passion...i love dancing...especially when i'm dancing for my King...but somehow...again...the passion is gone....i cant dance like how i used to anymore...the feelings, the emotions....are gone. i'm not as enthusiastic as before each time i practice a dance. and the feelings for it is fading. dancing with feelings is what my King has given to me...but now...it's dancing for the sake of dancing...which is a tiny burden on my shoulder not being able to dance with feelings.
my passion to reach out to others is slowly fading too...the tiredness of helping this special someone...is slowly eating me up. the problems faced and the consequences of helping...sometimes gets too way out. i still remember someone telling me to love the person and not the problem...yes..i do love her like my own sister...i do love them...and not their problem...but it's discouraging and sad and disappointed to see them get hurt, to see them do something you know is going to destroy their life. and yes...i know i can only leave it to Him...but like i said...i have head knowledge...and not heart....
i do have passion for many other things...which may seem small to peeps...but not to me...i enjoy my passion...that's why it's called passion isnt it? having strong emotions and feeling all enthusiastic for that something? life is nothing without passion...it brings no joy. it brings sadness, it hinders happiness from coming, it brings negativiness...
for now, all i can do...is to continue relying on my King, trusting Him to lead my way...with the head knowledge that i know...i pray He'll bring back that first love i had for Him 7 years ago....
I'VE BEEN TAGGED BY SUI LI
Four things many don't know.
[1] I'm actually a quiet person by nature
[2] I'm a cry baby ^.^
[3] Do have low self-esteem ^.^
[4] Love dancing and poetry
Four movies I can watch over and over.
[1] Aquamarine
[2] The whole set of Barbie movies
[3] Accepted
[4] Musical shows like sound of music, high school musical, etc
Four places I have lived.
[1] Malacca
[2] Malacca
[3] Malacca
[4] Malacca
Four TV shows I love.
[1] The first season of CSI
[2] Autumn In My Heart (korean movie)
[3] Gilmore Girls
[4] Jems (an old cartoon)
Four places I have been on vacation.
[1] Penang
[2] Cameron Highlands
[3] Genting Highlands (not the Theme Park though)
[4] A place in Selangor to see fireflies...can't remember the name of the place Kuala Selangor it is (thanks to xjian & sui li)
Four of my favourite food.
[1] My own cooked maggi mee
[2] Chinese economy rice
[3] Indian roti canai
[4] Mc Donald's
Four places I'd rather be.
[1] Malacca...there's no where else i'd rather be than in malacca
[2]Sarawak Sabah
[3] Malacca
[4]Singapore
Currently listening to songs.
[1] Eyes On Me from Final Fantasy VIII
[2] To Zanarkland from Final Fantasy X
[3] Suteki Da Ne from Final Fantasy X
[4] All the songs in Final Fantasy
Four people who will be tagged.
[1] My dear prince
[2] Sze Jein
[3] Esther Lee
[4] Gary
P/S : For those who dont know what to do, you have to list down what's required. 4 each.
[1] I'm actually a quiet person by nature
[2] I'm a cry baby ^.^
[3] Do have low self-esteem ^.^
[4] Love dancing and poetry
Four movies I can watch over and over.
[1] Aquamarine
[2] The whole set of Barbie movies
[3] Accepted
[4] Musical shows like sound of music, high school musical, etc
Four places I have lived.
[1] Malacca
[2] Malacca
[3] Malacca
[4] Malacca
Four TV shows I love.
[1] The first season of CSI
[2] Autumn In My Heart (korean movie)
[3] Gilmore Girls
[4] Jems (an old cartoon)
Four places I have been on vacation.
[1] Penang
[2] Cameron Highlands
[3] Genting Highlands (not the Theme Park though)
[4] A place in Selangor to see fireflies...
Four of my favourite food.
[1] My own cooked maggi mee
[2] Chinese economy rice
[3] Indian roti canai
[4] Mc Donald's
Four places I'd rather be.
[1] Malacca...there's no where else i'd rather be than in malacca
[2]
[3] Malacca
[4]Singapore
Currently listening to songs.
[1] Eyes On Me from Final Fantasy VIII
[2] To Zanarkland from Final Fantasy X
[3] Suteki Da Ne from Final Fantasy X
[4] All the songs in Final Fantasy
Four people who will be tagged.
[1] My dear prince
[2] Sze Jein
[3] Esther Lee
[4] Gary
P/S : For those who dont know what to do, you have to list down what's required. 4 each.
INNOCENT
this post is specially for xjian...many peeps seems to think he's quiet and INNOCENT...same case here...many peeps used and probably still think that i'm INNOCENT too....BUT...i'm NOT...i MAY look INNOCENT...but looks can be quite deceiving. just like xjian too...he may look INNOCENT...but hmm...for you peeps who knows him to find out whether is he really INNOCENT as he looks to be... =p
---------------------------------------------------------------
according to the collins dictionary, INNOCENT has 2 meanings, where as in the oxford dictionary, it has 2 of the same meaning with an extra meaning too.
1. NOT GUILTY of a CRIME or OFFENSE
2. having LITTLE EXPERIENCE of life
3. NOT INTENDED to CAUSE OFFENSE
so, what does this word INNOCENT really mean in my post here? it's more of the 2nd point. being INNOCENT because we have LITTLE EXPERIENCE of life in life. sounds weird...ya..i know...but that's just it. many peeps judge a person by the way they look...a person may look INNOCENT on the outside...but in actual TRUTH...the person isnt as INNOCENT as we think they are. in fact, they may have EXPERIENCE more than we have experienced in life. just a simple example of myself that happened before. the first time i had a boyfriend and a friend found out bout it, she was like.. 'sure or not? you look so INNOCENT one..not the type who'll have a boyfriend one.' haha...i LOOK innocent...but i'm NOT. i may be INNOCENT in a few areas of my life...but not all. and for XJIAN, peeps seems to think he doesnt know much bout what's going on around...but well...he proves to me that he is quite observant with what's happening around...just that he keeps quiet bout it...a character that i like bout him...doesnt 'nose' around into other peeps' business.
for the 1st and 3rd point, there's nothing much i can say bout coz i believe we are all NOT INNOCENT for that particular meaning. we may not be guilty of a crime...but for an offense? yes...WE ARE ALL GUILTY. why do i say that? whether we realise it or not....we all have offended God when we still sinners. but by God's LOVE and GRACE....we are FORGIVEN for that offense. isnt that WONDERFUL??
to a personal note, i am not INNOCENT....but because of His death on the cross for me, i AM in the process of becoming INNOCENT. only when i see Him in heaven will i be INNOCENT. after all....
GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
---------------------------------------------------------------
according to the collins dictionary, INNOCENT has 2 meanings, where as in the oxford dictionary, it has 2 of the same meaning with an extra meaning too.
1. NOT GUILTY of a CRIME or OFFENSE
2. having LITTLE EXPERIENCE of life
3. NOT INTENDED to CAUSE OFFENSE
so, what does this word INNOCENT really mean in my post here? it's more of the 2nd point. being INNOCENT because we have LITTLE EXPERIENCE of life in life. sounds weird...ya..i know...but that's just it. many peeps judge a person by the way they look...a person may look INNOCENT on the outside...but in actual TRUTH...the person isnt as INNOCENT as we think they are. in fact, they may have EXPERIENCE more than we have experienced in life. just a simple example of myself that happened before. the first time i had a boyfriend and a friend found out bout it, she was like.. 'sure or not? you look so INNOCENT one..not the type who'll have a boyfriend one.' haha...i LOOK innocent...but i'm NOT. i may be INNOCENT in a few areas of my life...but not all. and for XJIAN, peeps seems to think he doesnt know much bout what's going on around...but well...he proves to me that he is quite observant with what's happening around...just that he keeps quiet bout it...a character that i like bout him...doesnt 'nose' around into other peeps' business.
for the 1st and 3rd point, there's nothing much i can say bout coz i believe we are all NOT INNOCENT for that particular meaning. we may not be guilty of a crime...but for an offense? yes...WE ARE ALL GUILTY. why do i say that? whether we realise it or not....we all have offended God when we still sinners. but by God's LOVE and GRACE....we are FORGIVEN for that offense. isnt that WONDERFUL??
to a personal note, i am not INNOCENT....but because of His death on the cross for me, i AM in the process of becoming INNOCENT. only when i see Him in heaven will i be INNOCENT. after all....
GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
BETRAY
according to the oxford dictionary, the word 'BETRAY' has 3 meanings.
1. HARM SOMEONE or something by GIVING INFORMATION to an enemy
2. be DISLOYAL to SOMEONE
3. REVEAL a SECRET WITHOUT MEANING TO
where as according to the collins dictionary, the word 'BETRAY' has ONLY ONE meaning which is...
--> if you BETRAY someone who LOVES or TRUSTS you, your actions HURT and DISAPPOINT them
we always think of the negative side of BEING BETRAYED. how much it hurts to be BETRAYED...how much we hate the person who BETRAYED us...but we NEVER think of the reason why ther person BETRAYS us. of course, sometimes, they BETRAY us for some unacceptable reason...but what bout the reason that is for our own good?? and what about the consequences of being BETRAYED??
what about us BETRAYING someone? is it still WRONG even if it is for that person's own good?? should ALL the BLAME be put on that person even when her MOTIVE of BETRAYING is good??? or whatever the reason is for BETRAYING is just NO GOOD??
can BETRAY be seen in another point of view instead of the negative side?? that sometimes....whether GETTING BETRAYED or being the one who BETRAYS......shapes us for who we are now, teaching us lessons of life, teaching us to be grateful.
and can we CHANGE our mind sets bout the peeps who does the BETRAYING? it's not easy at times. BETRAYING can sometimes be INTENTIONAL...and sometimes UNINTENTIONAL. of course, BETRAYING with INTENTIONS is a choice to make since we are AWARE of the MOTIVE. choosing this path with the WRONG MOTIVE of course isnt right...but what about choosing this path with a REASONABLE MOTIVE?? to stop someone from getting hurt in the future? too hurt to see that someone being hurt deeply?? to stop something bad from becoming worst? to help that someone not regret in her life?
to be called a BETRAYER isnt nice at all. it leaves a scar so deep that at times, even the years of friendship cannot heal it.
but wait...is
1. GIVING INFORMATION without HURTING that someone
2. STILL is LOYAL
3. REVEALS a SECRET with meaning to
4. ACTIONS did HURT and DISAPPOINT them
be considered BETRAYING??
i shall let the person whom i have BETRAYED, whom has called me a BETRAYER, decide and tell me the answer...
1. HARM SOMEONE or something by GIVING INFORMATION to an enemy
2. be DISLOYAL to SOMEONE
3. REVEAL a SECRET WITHOUT MEANING TO
where as according to the collins dictionary, the word 'BETRAY' has ONLY ONE meaning which is...
--> if you BETRAY someone who LOVES or TRUSTS you, your actions HURT and DISAPPOINT them
we always think of the negative side of BEING BETRAYED. how much it hurts to be BETRAYED...how much we hate the person who BETRAYED us...but we NEVER think of the reason why ther person BETRAYS us. of course, sometimes, they BETRAY us for some unacceptable reason...but what bout the reason that is for our own good?? and what about the consequences of being BETRAYED??
what about us BETRAYING someone? is it still WRONG even if it is for that person's own good?? should ALL the BLAME be put on that person even when her MOTIVE of BETRAYING is good??? or whatever the reason is for BETRAYING is just NO GOOD??
can BETRAY be seen in another point of view instead of the negative side?? that sometimes....whether GETTING BETRAYED or being the one who BETRAYS......shapes us for who we are now, teaching us lessons of life, teaching us to be grateful.
and can we CHANGE our mind sets bout the peeps who does the BETRAYING? it's not easy at times. BETRAYING can sometimes be INTENTIONAL...and sometimes UNINTENTIONAL. of course, BETRAYING with INTENTIONS is a choice to make since we are AWARE of the MOTIVE. choosing this path with the WRONG MOTIVE of course isnt right...but what about choosing this path with a REASONABLE MOTIVE?? to stop someone from getting hurt in the future? too hurt to see that someone being hurt deeply?? to stop something bad from becoming worst? to help that someone not regret in her life?
to be called a BETRAYER isnt nice at all. it leaves a scar so deep that at times, even the years of friendship cannot heal it.
but wait...is
1. GIVING INFORMATION without HURTING that someone
2. STILL is LOYAL
3. REVEALS a SECRET with meaning to
4. ACTIONS did HURT and DISAPPOINT them
be considered BETRAYING??
i shall let the person whom i have BETRAYED, whom has called me a BETRAYER, decide and tell me the answer...
DIRTY
according to the oxford dictionary in front of me, the word DIRTY has many meaning of its own. it can mean
1. covered or marked with dirt, in other words...UNCLEAN
2. obscene
3. dishonest or dishonourable
4. rough and unpleasant weather
other words that could replace the word DIRTY are many too..some of them being...FILTHY, muddy, MESSY, NASTY, polluted, UNFAIR, corrupt, DISHONEST, etc.....
a common word that peeps use when something clean has dirt on it. a word that peeps use to scold a child for being messy. a word to describe a thief or an illegal work being done. a word that is negativity. a word that sometimes brings a person down. a word that sometimes may make a person learn a lesson from their mistake. a word that some peeps dislike hearing to be called. a word that a super duper clean person can't stand.
the word DIRTY can mean many things. it depends on the reader's perception and understanding of this word. whether the meaning has a good or bad outcome...it's all up the peeps giving and receiving this word.
most of the time, when something gets 'DIRTY' (not clean), it can be cleaned off by using soap, detergent, etc. sometimes, when the situation seems 'DIRTY' (messy), it can be cleared up with a few solutions here and there. when the weather gets 'DIRTY' (rough), it will soon go away and the weather will be calm again. but what bout when someone gets 'DIRTY'???
of course the answer is...... the blood of Jesus .....His blood washes away that 'DIRTINESS' in His amazing way. we just have to admit our mistake, repent on it, and wa la...the 'DIRTINESS' is gone. but is it completely gone??
and what does this DIRTY means in this concept?? SIN is the answer. all sorts of sin are DIRT. and it can only be washed away by the blood of Jesus. isn't that wonderful?? His blood makes us clean again. is it done once and for all though??
on a personal note, the word DIRTY has its own meaning to me. a meaning to let go, a meaning to learn a lesson, a meaning to forgive and be forgiven, a meaning so real to me. but will it ever go? will the lesson be learnt? will it forgive? will it be forgiven??
1. covered or marked with dirt, in other words...UNCLEAN
2. obscene
3. dishonest or dishonourable
4. rough and unpleasant weather
other words that could replace the word DIRTY are many too..some of them being...FILTHY, muddy, MESSY, NASTY, polluted, UNFAIR, corrupt, DISHONEST, etc.....
a common word that peeps use when something clean has dirt on it. a word that peeps use to scold a child for being messy. a word to describe a thief or an illegal work being done. a word that is negativity. a word that sometimes brings a person down. a word that sometimes may make a person learn a lesson from their mistake. a word that some peeps dislike hearing to be called. a word that a super duper clean person can't stand.
the word DIRTY can mean many things. it depends on the reader's perception and understanding of this word. whether the meaning has a good or bad outcome...it's all up the peeps giving and receiving this word.
most of the time, when something gets 'DIRTY' (not clean), it can be cleaned off by using soap, detergent, etc. sometimes, when the situation seems 'DIRTY' (messy), it can be cleared up with a few solutions here and there. when the weather gets 'DIRTY' (rough), it will soon go away and the weather will be calm again. but what bout when someone gets 'DIRTY'???
of course the answer is...... the blood of Jesus .....His blood washes away that 'DIRTINESS' in His amazing way. we just have to admit our mistake, repent on it, and wa la...the 'DIRTINESS' is gone. but is it completely gone??
and what does this DIRTY means in this concept?? SIN is the answer. all sorts of sin are DIRT. and it can only be washed away by the blood of Jesus. isn't that wonderful?? His blood makes us clean again. is it done once and for all though??
on a personal note, the word DIRTY has its own meaning to me. a meaning to let go, a meaning to learn a lesson, a meaning to forgive and be forgiven, a meaning so real to me. but will it ever go? will the lesson be learnt? will it forgive? will it be forgiven??
DEATH
it's been almost 10 years since my maternal grandmother left...it's been almost 2 years since my cousin left...and it's been almost 1 year since my paternal grandfather left...and this year...the church caretaker left...
when i was in standard 4, my grandmother left. if i remember correctly...on the 23rd april...i went to school as usual...just when i arrived in school with my cousin, les, we met up with the other cousin of ours, cher...and they broke the news to me...i was stunned...speechless...just couldnt move...but i still had to go through the day...it was a weird day for me. before the dismissed bell rang, my mum and their mums came to collect us from school and headed to my grandmother's house where the coffin was. i was not allowed to see her body then. they had night services for a few days...and i remember..on the night before she was buried, i had an asthma attack, which made me rest inside her room. the next morning, i remember seeing tears from my mum's eyes...and somehow..it made me cry terribly..i was yelling too...and my dad had to control me. even on the bus to the cemetery, a distant cousin came to sat beside me to comfort me. my tears was still flowing then. when they buried her, i was numb.
at that time, i didnt really know what death was...but i was assured and still am that i will see her again in heaven as she accepted Christ before she left. ever since then, memories of her are always in my heart. i believe she is watching over us up in heaven, having a great time worshipping Him.
my cousin's leaving was due to an illness she had since she was young. had a growth or some sort in her brain. it is a miracle that she was able to survive till she was 20. her leaving was hard. i was never close to this cousin...we only saw each other during each chinese new year and that's it. she never did accepted Christ..and that was one thing i find it hard to accept. but that fact did not impacted me that badly. still...i was sad to lose a cousin to hell.
20th nov 2005...the day my grandfather left....the day of my parents anniversary...a day before my chemistry paper in stpm. it's still all clear to me. waking up that sunday morning with a bad feeling, i heard my mum telling my dad to call his mother as she sounded very anxious when she called the night before. she said my grandfather had difficulty in breathing. since my dad just came back from work, he was very tired which ended up with my mum nagging at him to go see my grandfather. i dressed up as fast as possible, hoping to follow my dad see my grandfather...but thanks to my mum...she did not allow me to go. in church during service, i was studying in the kids room. my sister came to sit beside me, wrote something on the buletin paper and let me read it. it said, ' ah gong passed away'...when i read that..i could still ask her...'you joking, right? she shaked her head...and i started crying...at that time, service just ended..i rushed to my mum and cried in her arms...i cried terribly till i was brought to the office to calm me down...it took quite some time to calm me down...my sisters and mum had tears in their eyes too..but i was wailing away somehow..with a regret in my heart. soon after that, we went to my grandmother's house. my grandfather's body was still there closed with a cloth. my dad's eyes was red..could see that he has been crying too...and for all my life...i have never seen my dad cry. it was the first time i saw his cry. tears still came out from my eyes frequently. just when i stop..it starts again. looking at his body...i could only stare at it and regret. during the funeral, my grandmother may look okay...but i know she missed him a lot. when she walked to the coffin there, she would keep asking my grandfather to wake up and come back to her side. my aunties will have to take her away from there. and the funeral went on while i was having my stpm. i even came out early from that chemistry test. i couldnt stay in the exam hall, with the mind blank, staring at the paper....still, with a regret inside my heart. he never did accepted Christ.
this year, just before i left for utar...the church caretaker left. uncle antony is his name. thank God he has accepted Christ way before he left. his leaving was a shock to me some how...he has been someone dear to me. always taking care of me, buying for me sweets back in kindergarten, always remind me not to drink cold drinks as i'm always coughing, keeps the best food for me during love feast..it was such a joy to have him in church. and now...he has left too.
death...what does it mean? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are gone? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are in hell?? how can one move on with that fact?? yes, it may lighten up the fire in them to spread the gospel more to their loved ones who are not saved...but what about those fire not being lightened up? is there a person to be blamed for it? how does one move on in life?? especially with the fact that their loved ones are in hell??
when i was in standard 4, my grandmother left. if i remember correctly...on the 23rd april...i went to school as usual...just when i arrived in school with my cousin, les, we met up with the other cousin of ours, cher...and they broke the news to me...i was stunned...speechless...just couldnt move...but i still had to go through the day...it was a weird day for me. before the dismissed bell rang, my mum and their mums came to collect us from school and headed to my grandmother's house where the coffin was. i was not allowed to see her body then. they had night services for a few days...and i remember..on the night before she was buried, i had an asthma attack, which made me rest inside her room. the next morning, i remember seeing tears from my mum's eyes...and somehow..it made me cry terribly..i was yelling too...and my dad had to control me. even on the bus to the cemetery, a distant cousin came to sat beside me to comfort me. my tears was still flowing then. when they buried her, i was numb.
at that time, i didnt really know what death was...but i was assured and still am that i will see her again in heaven as she accepted Christ before she left. ever since then, memories of her are always in my heart. i believe she is watching over us up in heaven, having a great time worshipping Him.
my cousin's leaving was due to an illness she had since she was young. had a growth or some sort in her brain. it is a miracle that she was able to survive till she was 20. her leaving was hard. i was never close to this cousin...we only saw each other during each chinese new year and that's it. she never did accepted Christ..and that was one thing i find it hard to accept. but that fact did not impacted me that badly. still...i was sad to lose a cousin to hell.
20th nov 2005...the day my grandfather left....the day of my parents anniversary...a day before my chemistry paper in stpm. it's still all clear to me. waking up that sunday morning with a bad feeling, i heard my mum telling my dad to call his mother as she sounded very anxious when she called the night before. she said my grandfather had difficulty in breathing. since my dad just came back from work, he was very tired which ended up with my mum nagging at him to go see my grandfather. i dressed up as fast as possible, hoping to follow my dad see my grandfather...but thanks to my mum...she did not allow me to go. in church during service, i was studying in the kids room. my sister came to sit beside me, wrote something on the buletin paper and let me read it. it said, ' ah gong passed away'...when i read that..i could still ask her...'you joking, right? she shaked her head...and i started crying...at that time, service just ended..i rushed to my mum and cried in her arms...i cried terribly till i was brought to the office to calm me down...it took quite some time to calm me down...my sisters and mum had tears in their eyes too..but i was wailing away somehow..with a regret in my heart. soon after that, we went to my grandmother's house. my grandfather's body was still there closed with a cloth. my dad's eyes was red..could see that he has been crying too...and for all my life...i have never seen my dad cry. it was the first time i saw his cry. tears still came out from my eyes frequently. just when i stop..it starts again. looking at his body...i could only stare at it and regret. during the funeral, my grandmother may look okay...but i know she missed him a lot. when she walked to the coffin there, she would keep asking my grandfather to wake up and come back to her side. my aunties will have to take her away from there. and the funeral went on while i was having my stpm. i even came out early from that chemistry test. i couldnt stay in the exam hall, with the mind blank, staring at the paper....still, with a regret inside my heart. he never did accepted Christ.
this year, just before i left for utar...the church caretaker left. uncle antony is his name. thank God he has accepted Christ way before he left. his leaving was a shock to me some how...he has been someone dear to me. always taking care of me, buying for me sweets back in kindergarten, always remind me not to drink cold drinks as i'm always coughing, keeps the best food for me during love feast..it was such a joy to have him in church. and now...he has left too.
death...what does it mean? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are gone? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are in hell?? how can one move on with that fact?? yes, it may lighten up the fire in them to spread the gospel more to their loved ones who are not saved...but what about those fire not being lightened up? is there a person to be blamed for it? how does one move on in life?? especially with the fact that their loved ones are in hell??
WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE??
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the past...or the future....
the good...or the bad...
the cleaned...or the dirt...
the forgiveness...or the guilt...
the regrets...or the gratefulness...
the new...or the old....
the beginning...or the ending...
the desire...or the plan....
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur..
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the thoughts...or the emotions...
the facts...or the lies...
the reality...or the dreams...
the lose...or the victory...
the giving up...or the moving on...
the ups...or the down...
the real...or the fake...
the imaginary...or the truth...
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the right path...or the wrong path...
the world...or His kingdom...
the human...or the child...
the ordinary...or the extraordinary...
the common...or the rare...
the usual...or the unusual...
the cause...or the effect...
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
GOD PLEASE MAKE A WAY
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways I cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways I cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
BEWARE!!! AN EMO POST
a warning before you continue reading...if you are feeling down emotionally...DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!
at the moment, feeling emo to the top...not a smile on my face, not a positive thought, no joy, no peace...feeling emotionless, feeling low..deep in the valley, a frown on my face, no negative thoughts...just feeling numb to what's going around me recently.
with cf home...it's like a burden to me...it shouldnt be..but it is...probably because i never seeked Him for this matter...i dont know...i just find it a burden at the moment. not knowing what to decide...not knowing what to do...trying to please other peeps more than pleasing Him...it is a burden that i want to lay down at the altar.
the hands are trying to control itself from slapping a face belonging to someone so dear to me...the heart hurts for her...wanting to see her live a good life. at one hand, i want to give up on her...on the other hand, i'm not willing to give up. i still want to fight through it with her how ever disappointing i may get, how ever pissed off i may get, how ever much trouble she brings to me...i still love her like my own sister.
the heart is still hurt, yet the mind wonders how life is for that certain someone. the mind..trying to put the past as the past, and thinks of the future..yet, it still wonders to the past that hurted the heart. letting go is hard...looking to the future is hard...nothing comes easy.
looking down on my leg where the scars are still visible, the nightmare reappears. a nightmare to avoid? or a nightmare to face? a nightmare i never want to have, a nightmare i want to forget...but it just wont leave. it still haunts me. it affects my life up till today. and i hate it so much because it affects something and someone i cherish a lot in my life.
walk with Him?? i dont know what to say bout that...i feel as though there's something wrong with it...but not sure what...it's like..in good times, i do think of Him, i praise Him, i thank Him, etc...in bad times, of course i go to Him as well seeking for guidance..but it still feels not right...of course i'm not the person to decide whether it's right or not...it's just a feeling after all....
okie...i'm starting to crap now...just not in the mood for anything. had to get all these thoughts, these burdens, these what ever you call it out....it still doesnt make any difference though...gee...what the heck...
at the moment, feeling emo to the top...not a smile on my face, not a positive thought, no joy, no peace...feeling emotionless, feeling low..deep in the valley, a frown on my face, no negative thoughts...just feeling numb to what's going around me recently.
with cf home...it's like a burden to me...it shouldnt be..but it is...probably because i never seeked Him for this matter...i dont know...i just find it a burden at the moment. not knowing what to decide...not knowing what to do...trying to please other peeps more than pleasing Him...it is a burden that i want to lay down at the altar.
the hands are trying to control itself from slapping a face belonging to someone so dear to me...the heart hurts for her...wanting to see her live a good life. at one hand, i want to give up on her...on the other hand, i'm not willing to give up. i still want to fight through it with her how ever disappointing i may get, how ever pissed off i may get, how ever much trouble she brings to me...i still love her like my own sister.
the heart is still hurt, yet the mind wonders how life is for that certain someone. the mind..trying to put the past as the past, and thinks of the future..yet, it still wonders to the past that hurted the heart. letting go is hard...looking to the future is hard...nothing comes easy.
looking down on my leg where the scars are still visible, the nightmare reappears. a nightmare to avoid? or a nightmare to face? a nightmare i never want to have, a nightmare i want to forget...but it just wont leave. it still haunts me. it affects my life up till today. and i hate it so much because it affects something and someone i cherish a lot in my life.
walk with Him?? i dont know what to say bout that...i feel as though there's something wrong with it...but not sure what...it's like..in good times, i do think of Him, i praise Him, i thank Him, etc...in bad times, of course i go to Him as well seeking for guidance..but it still feels not right...of course i'm not the person to decide whether it's right or not...it's just a feeling after all....
okie...i'm starting to crap now...just not in the mood for anything. had to get all these thoughts, these burdens, these what ever you call it out....it still doesnt make any difference though...gee...what the heck...
i love children
kids..children..toddlers...young peeps...i love them...they are my passion...somehow...especially small kids and babies. it is a gift from Him to love them the way i do and to have that special care for them.
i wasnt taught how to handle them, i wasnt taught how to have a way with them, i wasnt taught how to cheer them up, etc...it's all from Him and Him alone that gave me this specialty.
since young, i have my ways with kids. back in primary school, in church, me and a guy friend, david, we used to 'fight' for this small boy named matthew. every sunday, we'd be fighting to play with him, to take care of him, etc. had so much fun then. it brings so much joy to me to see matthew grow up.
now, matthew is in form 2...next year will be in form 3..to see how tall and how mature he has grown..i can only wonder how wonderful God creates humans. it is so amazing and it is such a miracle when a woman conceives. it is indeed a gift from Him to be able to give birth to a child and bringing up the child with love and care.
this talent with kids...prayerfully i will not put it to waste. that's partly one of the reason i took up psychology...to major in child psychology. to bring them up, to know what's on their mind...to be able to shape them the way He wants them to be...most importantly...is to let them know that Jesus loves them from a very very young age.
today, in church, i actually put a child to sleep...she's a very hyperactive child..yet, i prayed that He'll help me put her to sleep...and hehe...He did answer my prayer...it's quite difficult putting her to sleep...and when she sleeps, she looks extremely adorable...even when peeps are disturbing her..she could still sleep...she even snores (i'm suprised at that). seeing her head resting upon my chest, it got me wondering...hmm...it's so nice to have my own kids...but to bring them up the right way...it's difficult.
yet, i believe He is still not done with me yet...i hope to have lots and lots of child of my own. not as in my very own...but other peep's child being just like my very own...how me and the other sunday school kids has been my sunday school teacher's kids...she takes us as her own as well...and it is a joy to her too.
personally, i dont mind how ever many children i'll have...i just pray that He'll prepare me for familyhood and parenthood with my life partner that He has planned for me. =)
i wasnt taught how to handle them, i wasnt taught how to have a way with them, i wasnt taught how to cheer them up, etc...it's all from Him and Him alone that gave me this specialty.
since young, i have my ways with kids. back in primary school, in church, me and a guy friend, david, we used to 'fight' for this small boy named matthew. every sunday, we'd be fighting to play with him, to take care of him, etc. had so much fun then. it brings so much joy to me to see matthew grow up.
now, matthew is in form 2...next year will be in form 3..to see how tall and how mature he has grown..i can only wonder how wonderful God creates humans. it is so amazing and it is such a miracle when a woman conceives. it is indeed a gift from Him to be able to give birth to a child and bringing up the child with love and care.
this talent with kids...prayerfully i will not put it to waste. that's partly one of the reason i took up psychology...to major in child psychology. to bring them up, to know what's on their mind...to be able to shape them the way He wants them to be...most importantly...is to let them know that Jesus loves them from a very very young age.
today, in church, i actually put a child to sleep...she's a very hyperactive child..yet, i prayed that He'll help me put her to sleep...and hehe...He did answer my prayer...it's quite difficult putting her to sleep...and when she sleeps, she looks extremely adorable...even when peeps are disturbing her..she could still sleep...she even snores (i'm suprised at that). seeing her head resting upon my chest, it got me wondering...hmm...it's so nice to have my own kids...but to bring them up the right way...it's difficult.
yet, i believe He is still not done with me yet...i hope to have lots and lots of child of my own. not as in my very own...but other peep's child being just like my very own...how me and the other sunday school kids has been my sunday school teacher's kids...she takes us as her own as well...and it is a joy to her too.
personally, i dont mind how ever many children i'll have...i just pray that He'll prepare me for familyhood and parenthood with my life partner that He has planned for me. =)
trip to kl 19/11 - 24/11
finally i'm back home in malacca after being in kl for almost a week...not that i didnt enjoy my trip to kl...er...maybe i did not at first...but yesterday and today...WAS the BEST 2 days for me during this trip up to kl.
there's just too many updates too jot down...guess i'll just do a summary of the important events or happenings during my kl trip this time minus the feelings and thoughts involved.
19 Nov
reached pudu quite late and it was raining super heavily. went to dewgem's house for practice. stayed over at my twin sister's place.
20 Nov
went to carrefour...did some price checking...met up with my godsister, jein and sk too for lunch near my dear's office...went to sunway pyramid with sk, jein and my twin sis...did price comparison at giant...got my twin sis to help me buy a few things...went to campus, meet up with david and dewgem, waited for bernard, and practiced again at dewgem's house. went back to my twin sis house to stay over.
21 Nov
went to my dear's office, left my bag in his car...went shopping again with my twin sis at carrefour...went our own way after that...she went back and i went to campus to check out a house in section 17...met up with david, dewgem, ernard and joshua at campus...waited for jessica too...then went to check the house out...a double storey terrace house, with 4 rooms and 2 bathrooms, bla bla bla....jess dropped me of campus, waited for my dear prince to picked me up, went to murni for dinner, saw my elder sister there (which was such a shock)...went to my dear prince's church to practice with bernard again while the prince has his star kids practice...went to stay over with jess at her uncle's apartment in kelana square...nice and comfortable place though.
22 Nov
'd' day of 'd' event...nothing much to say here...bout the event...somehow...i'm glad it's finally over...didnt turn out the way xjian and me expected to...but it was ok...after the event, had dinner with bernard, dewgem, david, sui li, jess and her cousin...had so much fun laughing...but kinda faked too in a way...didnt feel happy somehow...went back to jess uncle's apartment early...took my shower...hang out with jess watching some mtv a while...went to pack my things...and slept early.
23 Nov
you can read bout it at 'cj'. too tired to type out again..but it was the best day ever for this trip up to kl this time. enjoyed myself to the max just by spending time with my dear prince...something i've been looking forward to.
24 Nov
got up early, had oats for breakfast...thanks to someone's mum (ahem)...went to carrefour, supposedly to wait for my twin sis at starbucks to use the wireless, but it was udner renovation...so, took a cab to the starbucks in front of inti college..waited for my twin sister there...then when to her college and waited again for her to finish her test...walked to subang ktm, took to sentral, then onto putra to pasar seni, then on foot to pudu...with our heavy luggages....thank God we were in time for the bus though...we thought we'd be late...slept on the bus, came back, talked to my parents and elder sister a while...took a shower...went for dinner at my babysitter's house...and now...i'm here blogging....going to sleep a while more though...too tired to go on.
there's just too many updates too jot down...guess i'll just do a summary of the important events or happenings during my kl trip this time minus the feelings and thoughts involved.
19 Nov
reached pudu quite late and it was raining super heavily. went to dewgem's house for practice. stayed over at my twin sister's place.
20 Nov
went to carrefour...did some price checking...met up with my godsister, jein and sk too for lunch near my dear's office...went to sunway pyramid with sk, jein and my twin sis...did price comparison at giant...got my twin sis to help me buy a few things...went to campus, meet up with david and dewgem, waited for bernard, and practiced again at dewgem's house. went back to my twin sis house to stay over.
21 Nov
went to my dear's office, left my bag in his car...went shopping again with my twin sis at carrefour...went our own way after that...she went back and i went to campus to check out a house in section 17...met up with david, dewgem, ernard and joshua at campus...waited for jessica too...then went to check the house out...a double storey terrace house, with 4 rooms and 2 bathrooms, bla bla bla....jess dropped me of campus, waited for my dear prince to picked me up, went to murni for dinner, saw my elder sister there (which was such a shock)...went to my dear prince's church to practice with bernard again while the prince has his star kids practice...went to stay over with jess at her uncle's apartment in kelana square...nice and comfortable place though.
22 Nov
'd' day of 'd' event...nothing much to say here...bout the event...somehow...i'm glad it's finally over...didnt turn out the way xjian and me expected to...but it was ok...after the event, had dinner with bernard, dewgem, david, sui li, jess and her cousin...had so much fun laughing...but kinda faked too in a way...didnt feel happy somehow...went back to jess uncle's apartment early...took my shower...hang out with jess watching some mtv a while...went to pack my things...and slept early.
23 Nov
you can read bout it at 'cj'. too tired to type out again..but it was the best day ever for this trip up to kl this time. enjoyed myself to the max just by spending time with my dear prince...something i've been looking forward to.
24 Nov
got up early, had oats for breakfast...thanks to someone's mum (ahem)...went to carrefour, supposedly to wait for my twin sis at starbucks to use the wireless, but it was udner renovation...so, took a cab to the starbucks in front of inti college..waited for my twin sister there...then when to her college and waited again for her to finish her test...walked to subang ktm, took to sentral, then onto putra to pasar seni, then on foot to pudu...with our heavy luggages....thank God we were in time for the bus though...we thought we'd be late...slept on the bus, came back, talked to my parents and elder sister a while...took a shower...went for dinner at my babysitter's house...and now...i'm here blogging....going to sleep a while more though...too tired to go on.
discouraged but will persevere
here is a special post for xjian....
yes..we may be tired and discouraged...i am too...sick to the max in fact bout r2g...falling sick, almost not being able to come up for r2g, the time spent, the emotions, the prayers...i am very tired of it too...pulling me down as well at times...
BUT...it is because of Him, we can have this event. we may have expected 40 peeps to come...but when we count...the number seems to be way smaller than expected...but this is not our concern like my dear prince said...the number...is HIS concern...all that we can do is to do our best whether the number is big or small. after all, we are doing it for Him, right? i have to confess that i'm letting satan take control of my thoughts...that r2g is your work and my work...i want it to run smoothly because i want everyone to know that He is using me...the point is...it is NOT my work...but His...i'm just a vessel to help run this event...but my strength, the ideas, the plannings, everything in it...comes from Him...He is the head of r2g...not us...we are not the ones in charge of it....He is...
whether r2g will run smoothly or not....even if no one turns up...even if there's lots of extras food...even if we feel like we made a fool out of ourselves....let's leave it at the altar, k?? this is the time for us to just give our best, and leave the rest to Him....think you can do that, keen keen?? continue praying for each other k??
GOD IS NOT FINISH WITH US YET....HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH R2G EITHER....HAVE FAITH...IT IS FOR HIM WE ARE DOING THIS!!! =)
yes..we may be tired and discouraged...i am too...sick to the max in fact bout r2g...falling sick, almost not being able to come up for r2g, the time spent, the emotions, the prayers...i am very tired of it too...pulling me down as well at times...
BUT...it is because of Him, we can have this event. we may have expected 40 peeps to come...but when we count...the number seems to be way smaller than expected...but this is not our concern like my dear prince said...the number...is HIS concern...all that we can do is to do our best whether the number is big or small. after all, we are doing it for Him, right? i have to confess that i'm letting satan take control of my thoughts...that r2g is your work and my work...i want it to run smoothly because i want everyone to know that He is using me...the point is...it is NOT my work...but His...i'm just a vessel to help run this event...but my strength, the ideas, the plannings, everything in it...comes from Him...He is the head of r2g...not us...we are not the ones in charge of it....He is...
whether r2g will run smoothly or not....even if no one turns up...even if there's lots of extras food...even if we feel like we made a fool out of ourselves....let's leave it at the altar, k?? this is the time for us to just give our best, and leave the rest to Him....think you can do that, keen keen?? continue praying for each other k??
GOD IS NOT FINISH WITH US YET....HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH R2G EITHER....HAVE FAITH...IT IS FOR HIM WE ARE DOING THIS!!! =)
agape care
today has been a some sort of exciting day for me...not forgetting a tiring one too. woke up early to go help out in a charity fair in bukit beruang. had fun helping out in the jumble sale...bought 2 nice skirts, a bag, a dress and something for my dear too.
the tiring part is that i stood for almost 6hours without sitting. and i ate some noodle that lasted me from morning till night...got scolded from dad though for not eating properly.. ^.^
oh yeah...i saw my kindergarten school headmistress there...it's been a long time since i left kindergarten that i saw her....up till today, she still look the same...look still quite young... ^.^
well...i'm starting to be sick now...was in the rain just now...guess i got a chill...and probably might get a fever too...but i MUST hang on...cant fall sick now...not the time to fall sick...
and yeah..i'll be up in kl tomorrow till friday...wont be able to come online that much...but when i can...i will update bout my odyssey....till then...adios...*mind going blur and crappy*
the tiring part is that i stood for almost 6hours without sitting. and i ate some noodle that lasted me from morning till night...got scolded from dad though for not eating properly.. ^.^
oh yeah...i saw my kindergarten school headmistress there...it's been a long time since i left kindergarten that i saw her....up till today, she still look the same...look still quite young... ^.^
well...i'm starting to be sick now...was in the rain just now...guess i got a chill...and probably might get a fever too...but i MUST hang on...cant fall sick now...not the time to fall sick...
and yeah..i'll be up in kl tomorrow till friday...wont be able to come online that much...but when i can...i will update bout my odyssey....till then...adios...*mind going blur and crappy*
over worrying & over friendly
never have i felt what i'm feeling right now as i'm typing this and listening to the background music on my blog for a very long time. what do i feel?? it's hard to describe...a sense of peace, joy, gratefulness, happy, contented...in spite of the worries i have had today.
i do worry a lot as many peeps tell me...and most of the time...i worry for nothing..that's how satan controls me in a way...when i worry, i sometimes forget to trust Him as the description on my blog says. proverbs 3:5&6 is my all time favourite verse. it comforts me during spm, stpm, my grandpa's death, the 'betrayal' with my twin sis, etc...that verse is what keeps me going...to trust Him in everything that i do...
one thing bout me that i have always wondered which i have not yet found the answer...and if i'm not wrong..i have posted this many times in all my blogs...why is that i'm so friendly in a way?? especially with guys. i dont understand the reason why i'm so 'attractive' to guys...not attractive in the sense that i'm pretty or smart...but in the sense i'm so outgoing...some guys would say that i flirt...some guys actually call me playgirl...some even did say that i'm cheap before...
it is a burden to me at most times because of this outgoing character of mine. i tend to give guys the wrong signal and they start tackling me thinking that i like them too. but somehow...He will turn their liking for me into something good...something wonderful...
back in form 6, i had a few guys who tackled me...some were brothers in Christ, some weren't. in lower 6, i had this senior, daniel, who was sort of guiding me in form 6...he is a weird kind, the nerd (what most peeps would call him). he is smart and hardworking too...currently under jpa scholarship in japan. i still remember that he stalked me once...i used to call him my stalker...things between us got really bad and serious one day till his mum knew, our cf teacher knew...it was really bad. and the worst was...he couldnt study for his stpm because of me. i didnt hate him at all though...i just got freaked out. this year, he called me all the way from japan. and we sort of patch up. he asked for forgiveness and so did i. he is special to me in a way that God used me to impact his live. i didnt know how up till today...how did i impact him. he's now growing closer to God each day, trusting Him to take care of his studies and his stress. that's one thing i thank God for. from a terrible history, to a miracle future...
then in upper 6, a guy my age, andrew, sort of tackled me too. we were in the prefectorial board together. although he was a prefect, he's one of those michievous type. always finding for trouble but being able to get out of it. he said he was christian then...but had some 'complications'. he only attended cf once in a blue moon when i invite him. but that's the past. he did confess his feelings to me before and asked for a relationship, but i rejected. and he was embarassed with it till he kind of stop talking to me...in short...avoid me. but i still said hie and treat him as a friend as i've always did. and soon, he also did the same...and the friendship between us...is a wonderful one. he shares his stories with me and seeks advice when he needs it. the miracle part is...he became a true christian and was baptised in august. and now, he's studying in inti nilai, attending a cg there, and not only attending..but being active in it too...he is definitely growing spiritually...and i'm so happy for him...
in short, He used those 2 complicated friendship back then in form 6 and turned into something beautiful. keeps me wondering...will cs be like that too?? all this guys that i rejected, i have prayed for them when i reject them...and God did answer my prayer by taking care of them. it is my prayer too that God will take care of him too.
hmm...my dear prince's mum knows bout us already...and haha...she said the same thing as what my mum said to me today....'you go uni study or find girlfriend/boyfriend?'....not that they reject or what...but for my mum...i know she said it as a word of advice. that i will not get distracted in my studies. well...it is my prayer that he wont distract me from serving Him and i am glad to say...he's not distracting me...in fact, he encourages me...and i pray i will do the same for him too...to encourage him to do his best and support him within my ability...
thank You, Lord, for sending all these peeps to me, to show me that you are real through them. thank You for this character too that i can mix around with all sorts of peeps. i pray that i will know how to use this 'talent' for Your kingdom.
i do worry a lot as many peeps tell me...and most of the time...i worry for nothing..that's how satan controls me in a way...when i worry, i sometimes forget to trust Him as the description on my blog says. proverbs 3:5&6 is my all time favourite verse. it comforts me during spm, stpm, my grandpa's death, the 'betrayal' with my twin sis, etc...that verse is what keeps me going...to trust Him in everything that i do...
one thing bout me that i have always wondered which i have not yet found the answer...and if i'm not wrong..i have posted this many times in all my blogs...why is that i'm so friendly in a way?? especially with guys. i dont understand the reason why i'm so 'attractive' to guys...not attractive in the sense that i'm pretty or smart...but in the sense i'm so outgoing...some guys would say that i flirt...some guys actually call me playgirl...some even did say that i'm cheap before...
it is a burden to me at most times because of this outgoing character of mine. i tend to give guys the wrong signal and they start tackling me thinking that i like them too. but somehow...He will turn their liking for me into something good...something wonderful...
back in form 6, i had a few guys who tackled me...some were brothers in Christ, some weren't. in lower 6, i had this senior, daniel, who was sort of guiding me in form 6...he is a weird kind, the nerd (what most peeps would call him). he is smart and hardworking too...currently under jpa scholarship in japan. i still remember that he stalked me once...i used to call him my stalker...things between us got really bad and serious one day till his mum knew, our cf teacher knew...it was really bad. and the worst was...he couldnt study for his stpm because of me. i didnt hate him at all though...i just got freaked out. this year, he called me all the way from japan. and we sort of patch up. he asked for forgiveness and so did i. he is special to me in a way that God used me to impact his live. i didnt know how up till today...how did i impact him. he's now growing closer to God each day, trusting Him to take care of his studies and his stress. that's one thing i thank God for. from a terrible history, to a miracle future...
then in upper 6, a guy my age, andrew, sort of tackled me too. we were in the prefectorial board together. although he was a prefect, he's one of those michievous type. always finding for trouble but being able to get out of it. he said he was christian then...but had some 'complications'. he only attended cf once in a blue moon when i invite him. but that's the past. he did confess his feelings to me before and asked for a relationship, but i rejected. and he was embarassed with it till he kind of stop talking to me...in short...avoid me. but i still said hie and treat him as a friend as i've always did. and soon, he also did the same...and the friendship between us...is a wonderful one. he shares his stories with me and seeks advice when he needs it. the miracle part is...he became a true christian and was baptised in august. and now, he's studying in inti nilai, attending a cg there, and not only attending..but being active in it too...he is definitely growing spiritually...and i'm so happy for him...
in short, He used those 2 complicated friendship back then in form 6 and turned into something beautiful. keeps me wondering...will cs be like that too?? all this guys that i rejected, i have prayed for them when i reject them...and God did answer my prayer by taking care of them. it is my prayer too that God will take care of him too.
hmm...my dear prince's mum knows bout us already...and haha...she said the same thing as what my mum said to me today....'you go uni study or find girlfriend/boyfriend?'....not that they reject or what...but for my mum...i know she said it as a word of advice. that i will not get distracted in my studies. well...it is my prayer that he wont distract me from serving Him and i am glad to say...he's not distracting me...in fact, he encourages me...and i pray i will do the same for him too...to encourage him to do his best and support him within my ability...
thank You, Lord, for sending all these peeps to me, to show me that you are real through them. thank You for this character too that i can mix around with all sorts of peeps. i pray that i will know how to use this 'talent' for Your kingdom.
= my twin sister ( I ) =
been inspired to type a post bout my twin sister who seems to be so dear to me throughout my life...
kerrina is her name..but i call her kerry...and she calls me junie (only she is allowed to call me that). borned on the 10th of december in the year 1986. met her in kindergarten, not that we were in the same kindergarten...but we were sitting the same school bus...uncle toon's bus that's what we called it then. cant exactly rememeber how we became friends...but back then, when we were in the bus, being the naughty kids...we would be playing at the back of the bus making lots and lots of noise. at that time, we didnt care where they came from, how they look, etc...all we wanted was just to have fun no matter with who...as long as we had 'friends' to play with...
after kindergarten, we were in the same primary school, convent infant jesus 1. we were in the same class throughout primary school if i'm not wrong. we became really good friends then. at that time...we were still sitting uncle toon's bus...and i still remember so clearly (something that we still can talk about till now)...there was a day that i didnt get down the bus after school to my babysitter's house...i hid behind the seats of the bus...instead...i got down at kerry's house...when i was at her house only then did i call my babysitter to inform her where i was...we were really mischievous back then.
we were also sent to the last class in primary 3 simply because we didnt do our homework...had to stay in that class till the homework was done...had to skip recess too. then in primary 6, we had extra classes after school. there was this one time, before bm extra class, the both of us with our gang of friends were playing at the back of the school. we forgot the time and went to class late. but we got punished to stand outside the class and our teacher made us sing 'negaraku'. gee...we hated that teacher since then...
we werent that close yet in primary school...we were just friends...no special bond of that sort...not till secondary school. the beginning of secondary school, we were quite apart for a few years. that is because we were in different class..still same school though, infant jesus convent. in form 1, we were still ok...but we drifted apart till end of form 4. thanks to melissa ( our common friend ), we got back closer together. together with amanda, melissa, glendon, bryan and us..we formed the 'gmbaak'...but then the guys and girls had a conflict and soon splitted up...and a new bond is form...'soul sistaz'..up till today...although the four of us still keep in touch, the bond isnt that strong any longer...but not for me and kerry...our bond is still as special and even closer than before.
the best schooling years with her will be in form 5. spm year...which we both fooled around so much. we played truant in class, didnt do our homework ( since primary we dont do care much of our homework )...we tell lies to teachers. lots happened back then...it was the most exciting and happening schooling year for me. i'll post a special post just on our form 5 year next...till then...i cant go on much as everything is related... ^.^
kerrina is her name..but i call her kerry...and she calls me junie (only she is allowed to call me that). borned on the 10th of december in the year 1986. met her in kindergarten, not that we were in the same kindergarten...but we were sitting the same school bus...uncle toon's bus that's what we called it then. cant exactly rememeber how we became friends...but back then, when we were in the bus, being the naughty kids...we would be playing at the back of the bus making lots and lots of noise. at that time, we didnt care where they came from, how they look, etc...all we wanted was just to have fun no matter with who...as long as we had 'friends' to play with...
after kindergarten, we were in the same primary school, convent infant jesus 1. we were in the same class throughout primary school if i'm not wrong. we became really good friends then. at that time...we were still sitting uncle toon's bus...and i still remember so clearly (something that we still can talk about till now)...there was a day that i didnt get down the bus after school to my babysitter's house...i hid behind the seats of the bus...instead...i got down at kerry's house...when i was at her house only then did i call my babysitter to inform her where i was...we were really mischievous back then.
we were also sent to the last class in primary 3 simply because we didnt do our homework...had to stay in that class till the homework was done...had to skip recess too. then in primary 6, we had extra classes after school. there was this one time, before bm extra class, the both of us with our gang of friends were playing at the back of the school. we forgot the time and went to class late. but we got punished to stand outside the class and our teacher made us sing 'negaraku'. gee...we hated that teacher since then...
we werent that close yet in primary school...we were just friends...no special bond of that sort...not till secondary school. the beginning of secondary school, we were quite apart for a few years. that is because we were in different class..still same school though, infant jesus convent. in form 1, we were still ok...but we drifted apart till end of form 4. thanks to melissa ( our common friend ), we got back closer together. together with amanda, melissa, glendon, bryan and us..we formed the 'gmbaak'...but then the guys and girls had a conflict and soon splitted up...and a new bond is form...'soul sistaz'..up till today...although the four of us still keep in touch, the bond isnt that strong any longer...but not for me and kerry...our bond is still as special and even closer than before.
the best schooling years with her will be in form 5. spm year...which we both fooled around so much. we played truant in class, didnt do our homework ( since primary we dont do care much of our homework )...we tell lies to teachers. lots happened back then...it was the most exciting and happening schooling year for me. i'll post a special post just on our form 5 year next...till then...i cant go on much as everything is related... ^.^
- refreshing process -
got up early this morning with an uneasy feeling inside. couldn't figure why the uneasy feeling. but as the day pass by, i soon found out why.
first, my dear prince wasn't in the mood today...one of his emo day...when we were friends, i understood him, i would leave him alone to cool down...but now that i'm with him, i worry...why is that so?? why the sudden change??
somehow, his emo day made my day emo too...not really emo but just felt that everything isn't right...yet, i still trust Him.
as i'm online in the afternoon, my twin sister came to chat with me. just the other day...she gave me 2 good news...i was extremely happy bout it. but then, problem just had to come up again. and while i was driving to church for youth prayer meeting, she called...talked to her while i was driving...and another disappointment...anger inside too...wanting to help, yet it's way beyond my limits...the funny part was that...all this years, i've been praying for her...but i dont know why, i messaged her asking for permission to pray for her..this was what i sent to her...
-----> Hang in there, girl...will be praying for you..you let one right?? now only ask you.. ^.^
somehow...i felt that i should let her know i'm praying for her...probably it's the Holy Spirit's prompting..come to think bout it now...i sense that the day Heaven will be celebrating her salvation is coming soon...i'll continue to pray for her and have faith that she will soon not only be my twin sister...but be my sister in Christ too...because of Him..we'll be a family...and no one can ever break that bond between us... =)
speaking bout youth prayer meeting...i have to admit that i didn't want to go today...was trying to find an excuse not to go...tried calling tsyr tsyr ( the other girl with me )...but couldnt get her..and i usually fetch her from tuition..so, in the end had to go...it didnt go as plan...in the sense that we didn't follow the prayer item...but i have to say that..it is His plan for me to go whether i feel like it or not...i feel blessed and encouraged by her...got refreshed too by the Holy Spirit...in a way that the passion and strength renewed...
came back from youth, called my dear prince...supposed to be a serious talk...but hmm...he's back to normal...so...it's ok...just talking to him for that few minutes...gave me extra strength... ^.^ guess it's all part of His plan for me to have that uneasy feeling to realise a few things and gaining back that passion for Him...
therefore...it is indeed a refreshing time...but it's not done...that's why my blog title is refreshing process...i may feel tired, i may feel fed up, i may feel like giving up, i may feel bored of it...but it is by His grace that i can go on with it withough giving up, gaining strength from him, and finding joy at the same to serve Him....
after all.... GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
first, my dear prince wasn't in the mood today...one of his emo day...when we were friends, i understood him, i would leave him alone to cool down...but now that i'm with him, i worry...why is that so?? why the sudden change??
somehow, his emo day made my day emo too...not really emo but just felt that everything isn't right...yet, i still trust Him.
as i'm online in the afternoon, my twin sister came to chat with me. just the other day...she gave me 2 good news...i was extremely happy bout it. but then, problem just had to come up again. and while i was driving to church for youth prayer meeting, she called...talked to her while i was driving...and another disappointment...anger inside too...wanting to help, yet it's way beyond my limits...the funny part was that...all this years, i've been praying for her...but i dont know why, i messaged her asking for permission to pray for her..this was what i sent to her...
-----> Hang in there, girl...will be praying for you..you let one right?? now only ask you.. ^.^
somehow...i felt that i should let her know i'm praying for her...probably it's the Holy Spirit's prompting..come to think bout it now...i sense that the day Heaven will be celebrating her salvation is coming soon...i'll continue to pray for her and have faith that she will soon not only be my twin sister...but be my sister in Christ too...because of Him..we'll be a family...and no one can ever break that bond between us... =)
speaking bout youth prayer meeting...i have to admit that i didn't want to go today...was trying to find an excuse not to go...tried calling tsyr tsyr ( the other girl with me )...but couldnt get her..and i usually fetch her from tuition..so, in the end had to go...it didnt go as plan...in the sense that we didn't follow the prayer item...but i have to say that..it is His plan for me to go whether i feel like it or not...i feel blessed and encouraged by her...got refreshed too by the Holy Spirit...in a way that the passion and strength renewed...
came back from youth, called my dear prince...supposed to be a serious talk...but hmm...he's back to normal...so...it's ok...just talking to him for that few minutes...gave me extra strength... ^.^ guess it's all part of His plan for me to have that uneasy feeling to realise a few things and gaining back that passion for Him...
therefore...it is indeed a refreshing time...but it's not done...that's why my blog title is refreshing process...i may feel tired, i may feel fed up, i may feel like giving up, i may feel bored of it...but it is by His grace that i can go on with it withough giving up, gaining strength from him, and finding joy at the same to serve Him....
after all.... GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
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