Hi Blog Friends! I know, I know, where have I been???
So first off, I have missed talking with my blog friends and I have missed reading your posts.
Things have been a little hectic the past month. I travelled to Chicago and had major surgery, I made it through the emotional day of Lauren's actual due date and I started back with Weight Watchers.
Now, I know you are thinking what is up with her blog title. But you are going to have to wait just a few more hours.... I am going to come back tomorrow and write all about it, but I just wanted to say HI and I have a lot to tell you.
Daring to Dream,
Von
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Life = Two Pieces of Paper
I haven't written on my blog lately, because I told myself that I wasn't going to make my next post about Lauren.... AND guess what this post is about Lauren (Sorry).
Yesterday, I had to make a trip to Vital Records to get a copy of Lauren's birth certificate and her death certificate. I didn't realize how emotional this trip would be for me until I sat in my car holding two pieces of paper that represented the life of my child. If you ever have to hold someones death certificate, I suggest that you don't read it, trust me, just don't read it.
After my mini-pity party, I thought about my own life and what I can do to make my life matter more than two pieces of paper. How can I turn my pain into passion and leave a lasting legacy and how can I turn my sorrow into success.
Recently, I have watched TV shows about the lives of successful people or people who were once successful. I wondered what was the difference between myself and the famous successful people. Most of their journeys started off similar to mine or dramatically worse. How did they turn their lemons into lemonade? Last night I watched a show about a celebrity named Nicki Minaj (I had never heard of her before this show and I don't recommend watching the show), but she did help me connect the dots. Truly successful people don't give up, they believe in themselves and they honestly believe that things will work out in their favor. They have a goal and they don't lose sight of it no matter what gets in their way.
I know that I can't give up, but I don't remember what my goal is anymore. But once I remember, WATCH OUT WORLD, I'm not going to let it go and I'm going to make the best of my time here in between the two pieces of paper.
Daring to Dream (and trying to figure out what the Dream Is)
Von
Yesterday, I had to make a trip to Vital Records to get a copy of Lauren's birth certificate and her death certificate. I didn't realize how emotional this trip would be for me until I sat in my car holding two pieces of paper that represented the life of my child. If you ever have to hold someones death certificate, I suggest that you don't read it, trust me, just don't read it.
After my mini-pity party, I thought about my own life and what I can do to make my life matter more than two pieces of paper. How can I turn my pain into passion and leave a lasting legacy and how can I turn my sorrow into success.
Recently, I have watched TV shows about the lives of successful people or people who were once successful. I wondered what was the difference between myself and the famous successful people. Most of their journeys started off similar to mine or dramatically worse. How did they turn their lemons into lemonade? Last night I watched a show about a celebrity named Nicki Minaj (I had never heard of her before this show and I don't recommend watching the show), but she did help me connect the dots. Truly successful people don't give up, they believe in themselves and they honestly believe that things will work out in their favor. They have a goal and they don't lose sight of it no matter what gets in their way.
I know that I can't give up, but I don't remember what my goal is anymore. But once I remember, WATCH OUT WORLD, I'm not going to let it go and I'm going to make the best of my time here in between the two pieces of paper.
Daring to Dream (and trying to figure out what the Dream Is)
Von
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Time Keeps on Slipping
I have been missing from my blog for the past week or so, because I returned to the "real world" last week. My son's 4 year old birthday party forced me to return to society last weekend. It was the first time that I have seen my friends and family since Lauren died. It was my son's birthday and we made it all about him. He had a dinosaur cake with his picture on it and all of his friends. I sort of floated through the day, saying "hi" and taking pictures to avoid much conversation, but it wasn't as horrible as my mind thought.
I also went back to work on Monday (against my doctor's wishes - long story for another post). To my shock and surprise nothing has changed. It's the same work and it still sucks. I think I am supposed to write behind that sentence, but I am grateful to have a job (I am pretty sure that is the politically correct thing to write). For weeks I have had nightmares that I would walk into my job and just fall on the floor sobbing, but I didn't. I walked in and no one was there. I saw a butterfly sticker on the window near my desk (butterflies was going to be theme for Lauren's nursery) so to me it was like Lauren saying hello and letting me know that I was going to be able to make it through the day. It's hard when you don't have a job you love and you have to return to it after a tragedy. It's really hard, but I made it through the week.
I did learn a hard lesson over the past couple of weeks. The world doesn't stop just because you have stopped. Things move on with or without you. People forget and time keeps on slipping. So what do I do with that lesson. What do I do now that I realize that even though I was stuck, life went on. The hardest part is even though some things have changed, most things have remained the same, but not in a good way. On September 27th after Lauren died, I became a different person. Unfortunately, nothing around me is different, only me. I am reminded of the time I tried to learn to double dutch jump rope. I remember standing there watching the two ropes spinning trying to figure out when to jump in, if I could just get the timing right I would be able to jump in with no problems. But, if I got the timing wrong, the rope would get all tangled up in my feet and I would fall flat on my face. I never learned to double dutch, I can't remember if I fell down and never tried again or if I just watched the ropes turning and was to afraid to jump in. Today, I am standing watching the world turn, watching the days slip by and wondering what to do. I don't want to jump back in like nothing ever happened, like Lauren never lived and like I am the same old me (pre-Lauren), but I also don't want to just stand on the side being crippled by fear.
Am I going to fall flat, am I going to be too afraid to jump in or I am going to get the timing just right and learn amazing new double dutch moves?
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
I also went back to work on Monday (against my doctor's wishes - long story for another post). To my shock and surprise nothing has changed. It's the same work and it still sucks. I think I am supposed to write behind that sentence, but I am grateful to have a job (I am pretty sure that is the politically correct thing to write). For weeks I have had nightmares that I would walk into my job and just fall on the floor sobbing, but I didn't. I walked in and no one was there. I saw a butterfly sticker on the window near my desk (butterflies was going to be theme for Lauren's nursery) so to me it was like Lauren saying hello and letting me know that I was going to be able to make it through the day. It's hard when you don't have a job you love and you have to return to it after a tragedy. It's really hard, but I made it through the week.
I did learn a hard lesson over the past couple of weeks. The world doesn't stop just because you have stopped. Things move on with or without you. People forget and time keeps on slipping. So what do I do with that lesson. What do I do now that I realize that even though I was stuck, life went on. The hardest part is even though some things have changed, most things have remained the same, but not in a good way. On September 27th after Lauren died, I became a different person. Unfortunately, nothing around me is different, only me. I am reminded of the time I tried to learn to double dutch jump rope. I remember standing there watching the two ropes spinning trying to figure out when to jump in, if I could just get the timing right I would be able to jump in with no problems. But, if I got the timing wrong, the rope would get all tangled up in my feet and I would fall flat on my face. I never learned to double dutch, I can't remember if I fell down and never tried again or if I just watched the ropes turning and was to afraid to jump in. Today, I am standing watching the world turn, watching the days slip by and wondering what to do. I don't want to jump back in like nothing ever happened, like Lauren never lived and like I am the same old me (pre-Lauren), but I also don't want to just stand on the side being crippled by fear.
Am I going to fall flat, am I going to be too afraid to jump in or I am going to get the timing just right and learn amazing new double dutch moves?
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
Monday, November 8, 2010
47 Days to Go - The Countdown Has Begun!!
47 Days Until the Best Holiday Ever! I am so glad that October is over, because that makes my FAVORITE time of the year even closer. Even in my sadness, God knows how to cheer me up. While I was in the hospital for 35 days people would tell me all the things that I was missing on the outside (the nice weather, the sales at stores, new movies that came out, etc.) Most of the time I wasn't bothered by what I was missing, until my mom came to my room and sad "Bunny (that's my nickname), they have already put out the Christmas items) in September!" I was so sad that I couldn't see the Christmas things. I am absolutely head over heels about Christmas. The music, the lights, the smell in the air, the hot cocoa, the hot apple cider, the gifts, the family gatherings, the stores, the celebration of the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (YAY, Jesus).
So needless to say on one of my first outings after coming home, I was SO excited to see the Christmas displays. All I have to do now is wait until Thanksgiving is over and the continuous Christmas music being played on http://www.wrvr.com/ will begin. (It's non-stop Christmas music, it's awesome).
Although, it is bittersweet, because I will not have my baby girl, but I bet that Christmas in Heaven is going to be the best birthday celebration ever and so much fun for her and her brothers. Merry (almost) Christmas my angels and Merry Almost Christmas to You!
(Pictures from the Store)
So needless to say on one of my first outings after coming home, I was SO excited to see the Christmas displays. All I have to do now is wait until Thanksgiving is over and the continuous Christmas music being played on http://www.wrvr.com/ will begin. (It's non-stop Christmas music, it's awesome).
Although, it is bittersweet, because I will not have my baby girl, but I bet that Christmas in Heaven is going to be the best birthday celebration ever and so much fun for her and her brothers. Merry (almost) Christmas my angels and Merry Almost Christmas to You!
Daring to Dream and Dreaming of a White Christmas,
Von
Von
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Roller Coaster - Ticket for One
As promised, I finally looked up the stages of grief. I am not sure if I thought that a website link would tell me that grief will last exactly two months and one day or if some how finding out what stage of grief I was in would make me feel better, but neither of these were the case. I looked at site after site, longing for a time frame, no one would say. Although, I knew that no one held "the magic answer", but I was really hoping for one.
I did however, find site after site using the word "roller coaster" and ups and downs. If you knew me, you would know that I DO NOT like roller coasters or ups and downs. I love amusement parks and Disney World is the best place on earth, but roller coasters or rides that take you "up and down" are not in the least bit amusing to me. I don't like that feeling in your stomach when a ride takes you up then down really fast. However, I have been "peer pressured" a couple of times to ride on these hideous monsters called roller coasters. I normally sit next to the thrill seeking person in my life that called me a "chicken" and coerced me using taunting tactics to ride with them. Our roller coaster cart climbs the hill and I am sitting there with a giant knot in my stomach knowing that we are going to have to get down this hill. Their hands go up in the air and they start screaming "YAY" and I sit there bargaining with God with my eyes squeezed tight, saying "if you just let me off of this ride I will do whatever you want, for real this time. I will take mission trips, read the Bible every day, and I promise you I will never get on this ride again". Then I question if my seat belt is buckled properly. After the ride ends, I generally don't speak to the person that sat next to me on this ride for about 15 minutes.
I really think it is the lack of control that I don't like. I do not like planes, trains, buses and public transportation, because I am not in control of the driving. I don't like riding in automobiles driven by other people (you have to be really special for me to ride with you and if you drive crazy just one time, I will NEVER ride with you again, EVER, really ever). I do not like not knowing what is going to happen. On my last trip to Disney World, right before I would get on the ride, I would ask the "ride attendant" what exactly is going to happen on this ride, is it going to go off the ground, is it going to get dark, I need to know what is going to happen exactly. I don't like things to be unpredictable, like roller skates, in-line roller blades, bicycles without training wheels, motorcycles, things that go too high, things that go too fast (and so on). You will never see me jumping off of any thing, being flung into the air or any of that.
So, you have to know that during my grief research when I read that I was going to be on this endless roller coaster of emotions, I became very distraught. I knew I was feeling up and down, but I didn't want to know that I could be fine for a few months and then have a total random melt down. "YAY", I can't wait for that (written with a ton of sarcasm).
Even, love! I love, love. I am a hopeless romantic, you know the kind, candle lights, rose petals, dancing and the whole nine yards, but I hate that feeling of falling in love. Seriously, I remember a few months after meeting my husband, I was so mad at him that I was falling in love. I hate falling, doesn't that mean that I was high on something and I fell off? Either way, I remember having these emotions that I couldn't control (I liked him, no I hated him; no, I loved him, no let's break up, no let's stay together forever). It was crazy and I didn't like the feeling, I couldn't control it and I went kicking and screaming into love with my husband. Did I say kicking and screaming.
So, in writing this blog entry, I realize that I have a control problem. I inherited it, I really did, you should meet my mom, aunts, and grandmom "super control freaks". I realize that I can not control my life and that is something God does, but I would love to make plans that work out.
One good thing about my research on grief is that I found out that cleaning up is often a sign of grief. I have cleaned closets, dresser drawers, and kitchen cabinets that have been messy for years. I organized mail and bills and have thrown away a mountain of trash, recycled five boxes of magazines, and took 6 car loads of things to the Goodwill. I even cleaned out my car (the trunk and the glove compartment). My husband has changed around furniture in rooms, cleaned out the flower beds and fixed things that have been broken for years. I thought that somehow Lauren's death brought out the inner organizer in us, but turns out it is just a part of grief (We needed something to control). I am so glad that I did not run out and get business cards printed up saying "personal organizer to the stars" or something crazy like that, because apparently this too shall pass and my natural "hoarder" personality may return.
So here I sit today, some how on this grief coaster. Right now, I am hanging on for dear life, I have my eyes squeezed shut, I'm bargaining again to God (the ride attendant) and asking Him what exactly is going to happen on this ride, how long is it going to last, and is my seat belt buckled properly? I know He is in control and that somehow just like the Zippin Pippin this ride will end.
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
(P.S. - for my non Memphis readers, the Zippin Pippin was the oldest wooden roller coaster in the United States originally located at Liberty Land in Memphis, TN (the location of my first job, ever). Made famous for being Elvis Presley's favorite roller coaster. I googled the Zippin Pippin and it has its own blog and web cam. The roller coaster is being moved to Green Bay, WI and this Memphis girl does not plan on going to WI to visiting or ride the coaster.)
I did however, find site after site using the word "roller coaster" and ups and downs. If you knew me, you would know that I DO NOT like roller coasters or ups and downs. I love amusement parks and Disney World is the best place on earth, but roller coasters or rides that take you "up and down" are not in the least bit amusing to me. I don't like that feeling in your stomach when a ride takes you up then down really fast. However, I have been "peer pressured" a couple of times to ride on these hideous monsters called roller coasters. I normally sit next to the thrill seeking person in my life that called me a "chicken" and coerced me using taunting tactics to ride with them. Our roller coaster cart climbs the hill and I am sitting there with a giant knot in my stomach knowing that we are going to have to get down this hill. Their hands go up in the air and they start screaming "YAY" and I sit there bargaining with God with my eyes squeezed tight, saying "if you just let me off of this ride I will do whatever you want, for real this time. I will take mission trips, read the Bible every day, and I promise you I will never get on this ride again". Then I question if my seat belt is buckled properly. After the ride ends, I generally don't speak to the person that sat next to me on this ride for about 15 minutes.
I really think it is the lack of control that I don't like. I do not like planes, trains, buses and public transportation, because I am not in control of the driving. I don't like riding in automobiles driven by other people (you have to be really special for me to ride with you and if you drive crazy just one time, I will NEVER ride with you again, EVER, really ever). I do not like not knowing what is going to happen. On my last trip to Disney World, right before I would get on the ride, I would ask the "ride attendant" what exactly is going to happen on this ride, is it going to go off the ground, is it going to get dark, I need to know what is going to happen exactly. I don't like things to be unpredictable, like roller skates, in-line roller blades, bicycles without training wheels, motorcycles, things that go too high, things that go too fast (and so on). You will never see me jumping off of any thing, being flung into the air or any of that.
So, you have to know that during my grief research when I read that I was going to be on this endless roller coaster of emotions, I became very distraught. I knew I was feeling up and down, but I didn't want to know that I could be fine for a few months and then have a total random melt down. "YAY", I can't wait for that (written with a ton of sarcasm).
Even, love! I love, love. I am a hopeless romantic, you know the kind, candle lights, rose petals, dancing and the whole nine yards, but I hate that feeling of falling in love. Seriously, I remember a few months after meeting my husband, I was so mad at him that I was falling in love. I hate falling, doesn't that mean that I was high on something and I fell off? Either way, I remember having these emotions that I couldn't control (I liked him, no I hated him; no, I loved him, no let's break up, no let's stay together forever). It was crazy and I didn't like the feeling, I couldn't control it and I went kicking and screaming into love with my husband. Did I say kicking and screaming.
So, in writing this blog entry, I realize that I have a control problem. I inherited it, I really did, you should meet my mom, aunts, and grandmom "super control freaks". I realize that I can not control my life and that is something God does, but I would love to make plans that work out.
One good thing about my research on grief is that I found out that cleaning up is often a sign of grief. I have cleaned closets, dresser drawers, and kitchen cabinets that have been messy for years. I organized mail and bills and have thrown away a mountain of trash, recycled five boxes of magazines, and took 6 car loads of things to the Goodwill. I even cleaned out my car (the trunk and the glove compartment). My husband has changed around furniture in rooms, cleaned out the flower beds and fixed things that have been broken for years. I thought that somehow Lauren's death brought out the inner organizer in us, but turns out it is just a part of grief (We needed something to control). I am so glad that I did not run out and get business cards printed up saying "personal organizer to the stars" or something crazy like that, because apparently this too shall pass and my natural "hoarder" personality may return.
So here I sit today, some how on this grief coaster. Right now, I am hanging on for dear life, I have my eyes squeezed shut, I'm bargaining again to God (the ride attendant) and asking Him what exactly is going to happen on this ride, how long is it going to last, and is my seat belt buckled properly? I know He is in control and that somehow just like the Zippin Pippin this ride will end.
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
(P.S. - for my non Memphis readers, the Zippin Pippin was the oldest wooden roller coaster in the United States originally located at Liberty Land in Memphis, TN (the location of my first job, ever). Made famous for being Elvis Presley's favorite roller coaster. I googled the Zippin Pippin and it has its own blog and web cam. The roller coaster is being moved to Green Bay, WI and this Memphis girl does not plan on going to WI to visiting or ride the coaster.)
Below are pictures (proof of my hatred of all things up and down) that I took of my husband on rides at Universal Studios in my role as official picture taker. :-) You should have seen his green face after getting on these coasters and rides. For some reason, I think his eyes were probably squeezed shut too, but he would never say that out loud. Good thing he doesn't read my blog.
Today's Toddler Tip - (Tips from my 3 year old son)
My Son - "Mommy, boys can't touch bun buns".
Me - What do you mean, bun buns?
My Son - "You know mommy, bottoms. Boys can't touch peoples bun buns."
Me - (in a very concerned and serious voice) That's right. Honey, did you touch someone's bottom?
My Son - "No Way, that's dangerous! Really dangerous!"
Me - That's right son, really dangerous.
Toddler Lesson for the day - Rather its hot cross buns, hot dog buns, honey buns, or bun bun's, if it belongs to someone else, don't touch them. That is really dangerous.
:-)
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
Me - What do you mean, bun buns?
My Son - "You know mommy, bottoms. Boys can't touch peoples bun buns."
Me - (in a very concerned and serious voice) That's right. Honey, did you touch someone's bottom?
My Son - "No Way, that's dangerous! Really dangerous!"
Me - That's right son, really dangerous.
Toddler Lesson for the day - Rather its hot cross buns, hot dog buns, honey buns, or bun bun's, if it belongs to someone else, don't touch them. That is really dangerous.
:-)
Daring to Dream Again,
Von
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
It's been one month, now what... (Letter to Lauren)
Dear Lauren Victoria,
One month ago today, you went to be with the Lord and your two brothers (Peter and Peyton). I love you so much baby girl, you were the most beautiful little girl ever made. You were such a little fighter and a strong baby. I remember how you would take out your tubes and move your eye mask around. Everyone was so amazed at how well you did and how feisty you were. You were defying all the odds, but then your tiny 1 pound body just got too tired. I cried as I watched your daddy hold you and tell you how much he loved you and how sorry he was as you took your last breath. We felt so helpless.
I don't know when I will quit counting the days since you left or when the tears lessen, but I miss you. I can see your little face in my dreams and certain things remind me of your smell. I haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing now that you are gone. I realize that I am still a wife to your dad and a mother to your brother, but everything seems so off now. I have this intense feeling of emptiness and moving on seems impossible. Your dad tells me that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, but I just haven't figured out what my life is without you in it.
It is so hard to give up the dreams that I had for you. I dreamed of fixing your hair even though, honestly, I think your nana was going to have to fix it, because I have no idea how to do a little girl's hair, but I had this dream of learning. I dreamed that we would have the type of relationship that I have with my mom and we would have mommy-daughter days. I dreamed of watching all of your "firsts", your first smile, your first laugh, your first word (which, I'm sure was going to be mama :-), your first step and your first day of school.
I still haven't figured out this grieving process. I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't know if there is a such thing as crying too much. I don't know if maybe I have listened to too many sad songs. I don't know if I have kept myself closed in my room too long or laid in the bed for too many hours. Honestly, mommy just doesn't know much of anything these days.
I'm sorry mommy's body didn't hold you in my womb longer. I am so sorry, Lauren.
Lauren, I want you to know that way you fought to survive was the "strongest most courageous thing " I have ever seen. I just can not express how proud I am of you. Mommy is never going to forget you. Mommy is going to figure out how to make your life matter, at least to me. Mommy is going to figure out where to go from here, but I am going to take your memory with me.
I love you so much Lauren Victoria and I miss you.
Love you forever and always, Mommy
One month ago today, you went to be with the Lord and your two brothers (Peter and Peyton). I love you so much baby girl, you were the most beautiful little girl ever made. You were such a little fighter and a strong baby. I remember how you would take out your tubes and move your eye mask around. Everyone was so amazed at how well you did and how feisty you were. You were defying all the odds, but then your tiny 1 pound body just got too tired. I cried as I watched your daddy hold you and tell you how much he loved you and how sorry he was as you took your last breath. We felt so helpless.
I don't know when I will quit counting the days since you left or when the tears lessen, but I miss you. I can see your little face in my dreams and certain things remind me of your smell. I haven't figured out what I am supposed to be doing now that you are gone. I realize that I am still a wife to your dad and a mother to your brother, but everything seems so off now. I have this intense feeling of emptiness and moving on seems impossible. Your dad tells me that you want me to be happy and live my life to the fullest, but I just haven't figured out what my life is without you in it.
It is so hard to give up the dreams that I had for you. I dreamed of fixing your hair even though, honestly, I think your nana was going to have to fix it, because I have no idea how to do a little girl's hair, but I had this dream of learning. I dreamed that we would have the type of relationship that I have with my mom and we would have mommy-daughter days. I dreamed of watching all of your "firsts", your first smile, your first laugh, your first word (which, I'm sure was going to be mama :-), your first step and your first day of school.
I still haven't figured out this grieving process. I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't know if there is a such thing as crying too much. I don't know if maybe I have listened to too many sad songs. I don't know if I have kept myself closed in my room too long or laid in the bed for too many hours. Honestly, mommy just doesn't know much of anything these days.
I'm sorry mommy's body didn't hold you in my womb longer. I am so sorry, Lauren.
Lauren, I want you to know that way you fought to survive was the "strongest most courageous thing " I have ever seen. I just can not express how proud I am of you. Mommy is never going to forget you. Mommy is going to figure out how to make your life matter, at least to me. Mommy is going to figure out where to go from here, but I am going to take your memory with me.
I love you so much Lauren Victoria and I miss you.
Love you forever and always, Mommy
