It happened in 2024. It’s published in 2024. Heartfelt thanks to my PITO English lecturer who gave me this chance to share.
The End.
What I’m Most Thankful For…
October 7, 2025 at 2:26 pm (Feelings, Memories with mum, Teacher's life)
Tags: education, english, family, life, Teach For Malaysia
Humility.
October 17, 2024 at 10:20 am (Styles that I like, Teacher's life)
Tags: drama, education, humility, leader, medical, mutualrespect, quality, season6, teacher, thegooddoctor
Do you know what is the most admirable quality I find in people? Humility. Oftentimes, I noticed that many great people I’ve been blessed to have met and know personally, have this very quality. These great people worked miracles and shine in their own field – teaching and journalism.
Let me tell you a story.
“You are not me.” was what the one-of-a-kind attorney, Joni DeGroot (she’s obsessive compulsive disorder known as OCD) got from her boss, Janet Stewart (whom was revealed later in the story that she’s the main reason why she wanted to become a lawyer despite the adversities she knew she’d face upon becoming one) when Joni asked for her advice. That was before doing the closing (the last convincing speech for the jury) and her boss was surprised that she sees her as her mentor. Hence, Janet listed down all the weaknesses or failures to follow her instructions in defending for Dr. Shaun Murphy, who insisted to have Joni as his lawyer, then remarked that she’s been doing well thus far. Her mentor or boss, Janet, was an experienced and charismatic lady who used to be the only female associate when she first started her career. Therefore, it was the plain acknowledgement from this – to know that despite not following what she deemed to be right or work, and being open into accepting that fact with grace is simply captivating.
So, back to reality, it bolsters my belief that respect, most of the time, cannot be demanded but earned; regardless of years of experience, gender and age. The reason why I think about this is because there are people around me whom I know have people’s best interest at heart, but they somehow don’t get to deliver that. Hence, mutual respect has always been the top value out of my three classroom values, together with love and responsibility. And to show respect, it comes with humility too. To be able to admit that you’ve made mistakes, and mistakes are inevitable. Good, in fact, for us if we learn from them.
To end this, I’m going to quote from one of the many inspiring ones my bestie has given me – Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Up next: I’ve been wanting to learn about dyslexia and recently this thought came back to me strong again because of The Good Doctor and also a kid of mine. So the next topic will most likely be about this.
The Good Doctor
October 16, 2024 at 12:51 pm (Feelings)
Tags: autistic, drama, grief, life, lifelessons, loss, relationships, teacher, thegooddoctor, timing
I think that a lot of things in my life happens timely. Like how I started picking up reading and came across Jodi Picoult’s (one of my favourite authors) Book of Two Ways – dealing with death and choices. And the incident which I’m going to explain again supports my thought. I have started watching The Good Doctor some years ago but up till a few seasons only, Season 4 to be exact, and it was parked aside since there were other things. Until recently, as I was undergoing some major changes in life. It suddenly appeared in my YouTube shorts and it prompted me to resume watching.
Throughout the seasons, there are many scenes or stories which resonate with my current emotions – dealing with losses, finding strengths, navigating through life and being at peace with oneself. The episode I watched just tonight was about a young teen girl who was on the verge of death if she didn’t get lungs transplant receiving a pair of them just to find out that it’s pneumonic. The plunge from hope to despair was heartbreaking. Also, the process of her mother staying strong while doing farewell with her daughter when she’s in need of intubation but her mother refused and said, ‘time to let her go’…
Do you know? The actress is actually a lungs transplant recipient herself? And it takes a lot to be able to act despite having to relive the process of being a cystic fibrosis patient. Read more here. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/the-good-doctor-cystic-fibrosis-39-differences-1.6746464
Apart from that, in episode 13 (Season 6), Shaun also struggled talking about child-raising decisions with Lea which is why it’s titled “39 differences”. He was disturbed seeing how his patient’s parents argued over how to raise him hence he made a list to talk to Lea. On the other hand, Glassy went to his house which was unfortunately burnt to the ground to ‘dig’ the memories as earlier in the show he said he won’t sell as there are too many memories, of his late daughter, Maddie mostly. Life.
Resuming the series brought on many emotions (mainly sad ones but there’s a point throughout the series that I feel liberated as it made me laugh, from heart) and valid thoughts too – dealing with life itself, managing relationships as well as learning some medical knowledge too. In my current state, is infinitely useful. That’s why I will continue believing that there’s a time for things happening in my life while living it to its fullest so as not to disappoint my most loved one whom I trust is watching over me.
Rides.
October 10, 2024 at 3:15 pm (Memories with mum)
Tags: bicyclerides, communitylibrary, mum, readinghabit
I remember how I used to see my mum’s wide back when I was at the back of the bicycle rides she’s given me. Going every corner in our small town. Crossing the busy main roads and then the town centre. We would go to the market, to the library, kindergarten and many more. Rain or shine, she’s determined to bring if she had to, like to schools. Prepped me up with raincoat and umbrella, with a change of clothes and shoes all properly wrapped in plastic. Complete waterproof. That’s how well-detailed she is.
If it’s the ride to the community library set up by the local temple, then she’d take my hand, see me until I’m under the supervision of the librarian on duty and she’d go off to buy vegetables from the wet market. And there, after I’ve grown up, told her that’s how she cultivated my reading habit, which she’d be very proud to share with others whenever there’s a chance for her to, because she’s happy, really thrilled to have me to be literate. As she’s buying vegetables, I’d be roaming around the library, looking for nice picture books to read, then she’d rent me 一休和尚 (a series about how a young monk who’d lost his mother since young solves problems) or books and we’d go home.
Till Death do us apart.
October 9, 2024 at 10:16 am (Feelings)
Tags: cycleoflife, family, health, intubation, life, preparation
“Before my mother died, even when she was unresponsive, I found myself touching her, like I was the one tethering her to existence. I would hold her hand. I would rub her arm. I would curl up next to her. I was doing it because I knew that once she died, once the funeral home came and carted her off, I was never going to be able to touch her again.” – Dawn Edelstein/Olive, The Book of Two Ways by Jodi Picoult
We were slowly preparing for the day. During the ‘preparation’ (roughly 8 days) when she was ‘sleeping’, (sometimes just tearing in front of her as I couldn’t hold it in but most of the time away from her knowing she won’t want us to worry about her) because I felt the pain of her going through so much ‘pain’ – so many needles, drips, tubes stuck into her then tiny but swollen body after she was successfully resuscitated after her heart stopped. I did almost everything described by the author through Dawn, except the curling up and that I thought I would channel some positive energy to her through holding her. So carefully holding her or touching her after navigating through tangles of tubes for fear of causing her discomfort.
I played her favourite songs, as usual. Except that there’s just sounds of machine, ventilator as opposed to the hums or sing-alongs whenever we’re on car rides. On the day before her fall into unconsciousness, she was still putting up her bravest front albeit the pain of her discomfort made her complaint and I explained in frustration finally, caused by the frustration of unable to ease her and dealing with her stubbornness, “Everyone who is admitted here is very uncomfortable too!”, hoping that she understands. Then, holding my arm for support, she walked herself towards the bed, her fragile and slightly bent body slowly bringing herself made me feel bad and sorry for her. After a few rounds of her going to the toilet (should’ve picked up on the clues despite telling the attending doctor), I suggested getting her the necessity and after she agreed, I went out to the convenience store to buy and helped her changed into it. I stayed on and chatted a while longer (torn in between staying and leaving) before I left as it was getting dark. Now that I recalled, normally she would have ‘shooed’ me home because she worries about me. Parents worry all sort of things. But that night, she didn’t. I also asked her if she wanted me to inform gor or not, knowing her, I knew the answer and I shouldn’t have listened to her.
First day of her episode of her intubation, I finally informed gor, other close relatives and family-like friends. It’s definitely not something easy to relay and given that time was the Hungry Ghost Month, we (dad and I) informed our relatives nevertheless. And heartfelt gratitude that they came and visit her. From Singapore, Cyberjaya, Sentul, and Ipoh, they came. Mum always emphasised on what matters is the times spent when she’s conscious, but it’s still very comforting for those who are taking care of her to see that she has visitors. And since dad just got discharged from the hospital, I let him rest at home. And we (Vinsen then, and I) travelled daily (after my work, sometimes I adjust with my understanding colleagues to allow me to leave work earlier, Ms. Chong and Mr. Nga) to accompany mum. Most of the time he drove, and walked up and down the staircases with me.
Until the second time gor said he’d come back for a visit again, he came back on Wednesday night, reached in the morning, rested and waited till I got off work. Visited her, the four of us, with cousin Yee, visited with her daughter shortly after we’ve arrived. Talked to the doctor, as usual, updated on her condition, which was going downhill that we consented to proceed with DNR, noticed about her unusual breathing. Made a mental note to consider taking MC the next day to come to visit and have a talk with the attending doctor but we left for dinner anyway.
We went to eat at Kok Thye Restaurant, after dinner, on our way back, it started raining which was pretty frequent during that month. Upon reaching the Simpang Pulai toll exit, a call from the hospital by Dr. Tan the houseman, we rushed back to the hospital. I took the lift for the very first time, and we made it. Doctor informed us that her life support has been taken away and she’s breathing her last moments. We accompanied her all the way, taking turns telling her things as hearing is said to be the last sense to leave, I told her I love her and hugged her. Then, it’s like auto-pilot mode was turned on. I stayed right near to her when nurses helped clean her up, Maximus (he changed his name a few days before) also stayed close with me. I informed my principal, my close friends and started making decisions thanks to the advice given by a close cousin of mine.
Funeral Ritual(s)
September 28, 2024 at 2:01 pm (Feelings)
Tags: afterlife, bereavement, chinese, culture, death, family, Feelings, life, loss, lovedones, religion, rituals, spirituality
What happens to us after our loved one(s) die?
I think this topic – death, is still quite a taboo topic among the community. At least for mine. Found out from a colleague of mine, A. She told me that she was still having a hard time dealing with her late mother’s passing two years ago. Before her passing, whenever she mentioned, A would avoid. I initially avoided too, afraid that speaking of this would invite Death to us earlier. Until about maybe 7 years ago? Or perhaps later. I jokingly joined in the discussion with my mum, requesting a paper library to be burnt to me will do (I love reading very much back in those days). That’s how I started to talk about afterlife with her.
She told me that she would want to be scattered into the open sea after cremation after her passing. I just listened. Sis-in-law then said it’d be hard for the young ones to remember and pay respect in the future. Then it was not discussed. Until recently, she said she had money and would like to buy a place at the columbarium. When she said she’d wanted it to be simple and to save money, I told her money’s not an issue as she’s a frugal person. Her usual reply would be, “No one knows what would happen after we die, just be a filial one when we’re alive will do’.
Later on, she also said being scattered into the open sea sounded a bit lonely. And she wanted specific rituals to be carried out first based on her time of passing – if evening, Buddhism ritual; Taoism ritual will follow after. This, she mentioned quite a few times. Hence, it was what we planned.
Nowadays, there are companies that provide afterlife services, from the legal documentation all the way till the cremation were all covered. While the family member of the deceased will only have to talk to relatives, friends or acquaintances as well as follow the guided ritual steps given by the master during ceremony. The company we hired provided good service – the staff were helpful and professional so the whole process was smooth. They’re called Che Yan Memorial Services.
Perhaps knowing that I have inquisitive mind, for sure she is. I got to experience two different rituals. Buddhism ritual, is there’ll be chanting in Sanskrit and it’s not mandatory for me to join the chant albeit being able to join is of course better but since it’s the first night and relatives as well as our family friends, mum’s friends, my ex-students, students, came from far and near, I had to To me, I think the concept of the Taoism ritual is more to bringing family members towards a closure. I remember a friend shared that we humans need a few stages to grieving a loss, of one is this – acceptance, also known as closure. However, it doesn’t mean that it’s like the next day you’ll be all fine and move on. It is just something for those suffering bereavement to accept the new normal, which is to live without someone whom you’ve loved.
They will chant and they have ritual steps where my mum’s shown the path to the afterlife world and also guidance. Drink the soup offered to erase this life’s memory in order to start anew, offer her into her new papier mache house with servants, papier mache car with road tax that doesn’t need to be renewed and some other rituals. Some of the them made me break down in tears despite knowing that she’s released from suffering. To be honest, I think the whole process provides a channel for me to release feelings, being a strong advocate in emotional balance.
The next day, I, accompanied by a staff, brought her to the cremation site and we didn’t ask for a band, knowing that she wants it simple. Instead, I sang out loud all her favourite songs all the way to the site – Tian Mi Mi, Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin, Shi Shang Zhi You Ma Ma Hao and Wang Shi Zhi Neng Hui Wei. It was a decision after finding out that I have to call her to cross the bridge aloud when we drove past overhead bridges.
To sum up, it was another eye-opening journey or lesson which mum had taught me. I still miss her. But like what I’ve mentioned in the previous post, it’s to co-live with the ‘ache’.
Note: Been leaving this page on, blank, filling in slowly. It was for more than six weeks now. Wanting to write but couldn’t bring myself to write. Finally. Also, I’d like to express appreciation for the best service provided during my despite some minor aspects that could be improved
Grief.
September 7, 2024 at 7:44 am (Feelings)
Tags: death, Feelings, grief, healing, life, loss, mental-health, myself
Tomorrow. A month after my bestest friend in the world’s passing. Been crying my eyes out.
When my bestest friend in the whole world breathed her last breath, I didn’t react like what’s normally depicted in the movie – wailing, collapsing, and breaking down. Everything happened after was… sequential? (as if it’s planned) and throughout the whole process (from bringing her body back to the set up to the rituals being carried out) it felt kind of calm. Did cry a bit when some of my friends came all the way to pay last respect, even when things for the funeral had yet to be set up. Until the moment when a ritual process triggered me, it was like the sudden burst of a dam.
Then, through the days, it was like going through a motion, like seeing from a third person point of view. Sometimes suddenly it would feel overwhelmingly sad that it just couldn’t be controlled. Other times it felt like nothingness. So all the while it’s very confusing. Generally you’ll feel heavy. You’ll feel happy too, momentarily; but you won’t feel particularly excited in doing things you used to feel. In fact, might even choose not to do, like playing badminton.
When looking at her belongings or where she used to hang out, sometimes you’re okay, sometimes you just started sobbing. Then I decided to find out. Came across this piece of insightful article which answered my question, “How long will this last?”
According to the article, some chose that they do not to want to grieve or love because they love or grieve too much that they are overwhelmed. Similar. Also, it pointed out about the feelings of going mad, confusion, helplessness and weak are the normal journey of grieving – a painful one. Exactly.
However, this article also shared:
“Grief is like sticky molasses – never really gone. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t live our daily lives or go mad because of it. Keep in mind that behind the grief is a great love and longing, and that neither is in conflict with going about our daily lives. We can love, we can miss, and we can live as usual. This is the best way to gently manage our grief and love.” – Counselor Tiew
And that, is the way of going through the flow, let myself cry until eventually the intensity of sadness lightens. Sometimes, I share with my closed ones – boyfriend, dad, brother, closest friends, and even understanding colleagues. Sometimes my ex-kids would accompany me. Support system and reaching out are crucial. But most importantly, embracing the journey and taking it as the last life lesson your loved one gave you. No matter how hard sometimes it may be.
It is still saddening. And it is normal.
Reference:
A Malaysian Artists’ Visual Biography of Lim Kit Siang by Tony Pua
February 27, 2024 at 2:56 am (Reads)
Tags: bookreview, Reads
“…we must never allow the past to bury the future. If necessary, the future must bury the past to build better lives for future generations.”
A book gifted by my cousin brother-in-law. Nice. Honestly, can’t really recall but if it could make it to my post then it’s worth reading.
Happy New Year?
January 3, 2024 at 12:44 pm (Caring for the Sick, Feelings, Teacher's life)
Tags: DailyDoseofsunshine, Feelings, life, myself, rant, teacher
Warning. This is a rant. And also suggestions to overcome New Year’s Blues (?) at the end.
“It’s not a happy time at work but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a happy new year,” I heard myself replying to my colleague, mainly to cheer her up as there’ve been overwhelming waves of programmes, exams, that kept coming, not by stages so that we could catch a breath. It’s simultaneous, especially Form 5 teachers in my school. I know it’s a norm for teachers to teach multiple subjects, but is it really something that should be taken as a norm? (perhaps it’s a good title for me to do my action research in this year) Especially all Form 5 classes with 1 Form 4 class. My colleagues, History + Moral, History + Add Maths, HIstory + English, to name a few. Well, mine? History + English, definitely overwhelming from time to time. With my commitment towards completing my PITO course as a “licensed-but-not-certified” (it’s a whole other episode of rant+reality next time) English teacher. (Do NOT judge, I dare not say all PITO teachers but some of us did study, burned the midnight oil to complete all assignments, no cutting corners and are dedicated as much as the TESL/TESOL graduated English teachers too)
There’s been 2-hour programme for all F5 pupils as the real deal is really around the corner. Every single day. On top of that, F5 subject teachers still enter classes like usual. And yea, today’s just the second day. I was mentally prepared, being interlocutor half the morning and then straight with the 2-hour programme but still it took a toll. Then we received news that there will be programme as such for the coming week again. When will I see my dear Form 4 kids??? Or will I be seeing them then my Form 5 kids??? Guess the answer will be revealed soon.
Home.
Sometimes, a tiny blip of sound will voice at somewhere distant, “it’s all your fault so you shouldn’t complain” but immediately it’s covered by rational mind telling “there’s no point finger pointing in the midst of crisis management” and just focused on problem solving. But I did react with a tinge of resentment from time to time.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve just started watching Daily Dose of Sunshine which is a K-drama with the theme focusing on mental health, with responsibilities and all that has caused this rant. But yea, penning down thoughts helps to document growth.
And I do find that self-awareness and motivational quotes (1 before you start the day and 1 before sleep) help in regulating emotions. Just in time I found the book gifted by the mum of a good friend of mine. (Signs from the universe XD) Maybe journalling also helps? Like what I just did.
Quick reflection
December 2, 2023 at 3:45 am (Activities, Education, Feelings, Teacher's life)
Tags: debate, education, english, teacher
Finally managed to have the very first meeting with my debate team after quite a long planning. It was mainly a student-led one (two of them), in-charge of ice-breaking games and running the ‘debate’. At McDonald’s. Surprisingly, it turned out alright.
What struck me to share this was during the three favourite things that we have to list down and share. We’ve got themselves, sports, peculiar things like water at 3am, reading, idols, family and friends. And I realised that my favourite things have changed. Perhaps it’s because they’re my responsibility and routine that I didn’t include them. Instead, I focused on myself. To an extent, I’m the same as another kid of mine, citing him, ‘to love others, first we need to love ourselves’. My three things are soup-based food (ramen, kimchi jiggae, etc.), Stitch (family-oriented, mischievous, destructive but can be cute; unwanted experiment because he’s created to cause chaos yet prove his worth and granted to stay) as well as Harry Potter (friendship, values and not giving in to the dark force).
I observed and participated. Potentials definitely and can be nurtured into a formidable one definitely. But , will they top the pioneers (Lin, Kess, Pok, JZ) who brings glory to the school with the first runner up upon first time joining? We shall see.
Badminton time!
Cheers
HT's Blog 
