Tomorrow. A month after my bestest friend in the world’s passing. Been crying my eyes out.
When my bestest friend in the whole world breathed her last breath, I didn’t react like what’s normally depicted in the movie – wailing, collapsing, and breaking down. Everything happened after was… sequential? (as if it’s planned) and throughout the whole process (from bringing her body back to the set up to the rituals being carried out) it felt kind of calm. Did cry a bit when some of my friends came all the way to pay last respect, even when things for the funeral had yet to be set up. Until the moment when a ritual process triggered me, it was like the sudden burst of a dam.
Then, through the days, it was like going through a motion, like seeing from a third person point of view. Sometimes suddenly it would feel overwhelmingly sad that it just couldn’t be controlled. Other times it felt like nothingness. So all the while it’s very confusing. Generally you’ll feel heavy. You’ll feel happy too, momentarily; but you won’t feel particularly excited in doing things you used to feel. In fact, might even choose not to do, like playing badminton.
When looking at her belongings or where she used to hang out, sometimes you’re okay, sometimes you just started sobbing. Then I decided to find out. Came across this piece of insightful article which answered my question, “How long will this last?”
According to the article, some chose that they do not to want to grieve or love because they love or grieve too much that they are overwhelmed. Similar. Also, it pointed out about the feelings of going mad, confusion, helplessness and weak are the normal journey of grieving – a painful one. Exactly.
However, this article also shared:
“Grief is like sticky molasses – never really gone. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t live our daily lives or go mad because of it. Keep in mind that behind the grief is a great love and longing, and that neither is in conflict with going about our daily lives. We can love, we can miss, and we can live as usual. This is the best way to gently manage our grief and love.” – Counselor Tiew
And that, is the way of going through the flow, let myself cry until eventually the intensity of sadness lightens. Sometimes, I share with my closed ones – boyfriend, dad, brother, closest friends, and even understanding colleagues. Sometimes my ex-kids would accompany me. Support system and reaching out are crucial. But most importantly, embracing the journey and taking it as the last life lesson your loved one gave you. No matter how hard sometimes it may be.
It is still saddening. And it is normal.
Reference:
HT's Blog 
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