Tomorrow my sister's baby girl, Abbi, is becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In my church this is land mark time in every young person's life. It is the time when they have come to the "age of accountability". An age where their Father in Heaven believes they are ready to take responsibility for the choices they have made.
This is a crossroad in Abbi's life. A day she will remember. It is a day many women labor towards. To prepare their children to understand the responsibilty they are taking on and the covenants they are making.
Tonight as I was trying to sleep I was laying in bed quietly asking inside, "Melynda where are you? We need you right now. She needs you right now." This is a rite of passage you deserve to be at.
I imagained what would happen if she were there, physically. She would have that trademark smile on her face and Abbi's would match it. She would dress her up from head to toe so Abbi know this was a special day. It is in those moment that she would realize she had reached a "Life is Good" moment even though it seemed like time flew in fast forward to get it there. A moment where she would know at least to that point in time she had taught her all she could. Her heart would be thankful for the the chance she had to raise her and for a loving Father to intrust her with this beautiful girl. She would look forward to what is next in life for Abbi, YW, boyfriends, school, marriage; and what she can to do prepare her. This would be a moment in life when "Life is Good"!
I remember one of the last few words I ever saw my sister write was "Life is Good" even though in reality it was tough she was still blessed with those.
So, I laid in bed contemplating, thinking how wrong it all is, mostly wondering how a heart gets through a day like to tomorrow is going to be, so wonderful and, yet, with a feeling of absence. Then while I lay there a little blonde two year old rolled over toward me. I could feel her breath on my face, in the dim light I could see her hair gently flung over her cheeks and I reveled in the sweetness of that moment. Life is good.
Suddenly like pictures being take many memories came to my mind. My sister holding her Macie when she was a week old and how she glowed with pride and love. Seeing my sister when she was a newlywed and how in love she was. Watching my sister try to coax her three year old into time out and my Maya defying her in every way she could. Then I remembered many of those same things in my own life. Teaching Kate to read and feeling that sense of accomplishment. Holding Carter all night long to make sure he kept on breathing when he was sick. Giving birth Josalyn at home alone. I felt such a surge of gratitude for my "Life is Good" moments. They have now become my "what really matters" moments.
I have felt weighed down by the heaviness of life. By the difficulty of the world around us especially from what I feel I can't control. As I laid their mourning the loss for my sister of this exceptional loss of "moments" she will have and of what she was going to miss tomorrow I found comfort in these memories. I had such a feeling of love that our Father in Heaven has for us and realised that he has given us so many before and I don't believe he is going to stop now simply because their is a thin veil dividing us. I know I won't see her but I know she will be there. I know that she will be there to witness her life's work, that was and is her child, take her next step in this life. I know she will smile. I can see it in my mind's eye. I know that she will rejoice and understand better than any of us how wonderful this day really is. She will still have her "moment" with her daughter. I hope and pray the we can all feel the love that is coming from her and most assuradly is coming from our Father in Heaven.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Day 31
Dear Melynda,
I received an e-mail that a acquaintance/friend husband passed away today. While I knew her while working in young women's together I didn't know her husband at all. I feel for her. I remember that heavy burden. I remember that deep sorrow that rest on you. I have been think about this phrase quite a bit lately. It is spoken by the Prophet Abinidi in The Book of Mormon:
I received an e-mail that a acquaintance/friend husband passed away today. While I knew her while working in young women's together I didn't know her husband at all. I feel for her. I remember that heavy burden. I remember that deep sorrow that rest on you. I have been think about this phrase quite a bit lately. It is spoken by the Prophet Abinidi in The Book of Mormon:
“But there is a resurrection,
therefore the grave hath no victory,
and the sting of death,
is swallowed up in Christ.
I have felt the peace that comes with death. I have felt lifted out of despair and I have rejoiced in the assurance that my testimony has brought me. I have never doubted once where you are. In fact the other day a missionary from another church came by to talk with me about religion. She asked me point blank, "Do you know where you will go when you die?'' I said enthusiastically, "Yes!" She rocked back a little on her heels. I don't think she gets that answer often. I then went on to tell her how. How I know because of you. Because I lost you and through that time I now don't just believe I know! It made me realize how great this gospel is. How blessed I have been to have it and receive my own testimony of it.
As I think of this dear sister tonight I think of her pain. Of the sadness and the deep bleakness that will come but I can also witness now that Christ has taken the sting of death away. I thought for awhile that I wasn't doing things right because I was sad but now I realize we must be sad. We must miss our loved ones. Not only is it natural to miss those you love but it is our physical reaction to being completely separated from our loved ones...at least physically. We must mourn in its due course but I now see it is the real sting that is gone. The sting of never seeing that person again. That would be an agony I couldn't comprehend. To think we would live only to lose someone completely would be an endless sorrow.
I don't know the words to tell you how I feel. I am thankful for you as my sister. I am thankful for all I learned in your life and in your passing. I am so thankful and often day dream about seeing you again. I know that this time apart will make that day more meaningful. I have learned so much during these last few months and know that there is still more.
I think back to last summer. That amazing camping trip. :) The last time we were all together. All the work you put into it. For one last hurrah! How we laughed, we argued, we laughed some more, we froze our buns off but we had a great time. I will always remember that time and remember that it is times like those that we are working for in this life. Chris and I coined the phrase as not "living for the moment" but "living for eternity". This life will pass as we clearly see but it is far beyond that that we are seeking.
From the moment you passed away each memory became treasured. The good and bad. The ones of laughing at the ice cream shop, to all those boy crazy talks you gave me, to having our first adult argument in Grandma's kitchen (she was appalled) and how we both left livid and both returned 10 minutes later with tears in our eyes to apologize. To you meeting Chris for the first time and welcoming him whole heartedly, to dragging me everywhere with you when you were in High School, to being there holding my hand when Kate was born these memories are all frozen. Stuck on a bookshelf inside my mind. I occasionally pull them off. Many times something I see will force one of them open without me thinking of it. They are there to treasure and remember until we make more.
So thank you for everything. Thanks being the sister I needed through so many things. For being there always. For listen, for caring, and for being you. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
THE END
(for now)
From the moment you passed away each memory became treasured. The good and bad. The ones of laughing at the ice cream shop, to all those boy crazy talks you gave me, to having our first adult argument in Grandma's kitchen (she was appalled) and how we both left livid and both returned 10 minutes later with tears in our eyes to apologize. To you meeting Chris for the first time and welcoming him whole heartedly, to dragging me everywhere with you when you were in High School, to being there holding my hand when Kate was born these memories are all frozen. Stuck on a bookshelf inside my mind. I occasionally pull them off. Many times something I see will force one of them open without me thinking of it. They are there to treasure and remember until we make more.
So thank you for everything. Thanks being the sister I needed through so many things. For being there always. For listen, for caring, and for being you. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Laurin
THE END
(for now)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Day 30
Dear Melynda,
Melynda moments. That is what I have come to call them. They are the moments in my life that are pionent with you. Where your influence is complete and I know that in this moment I will always think of you. These things will always be yours.
Last night I was laying in bed with my Josalyn. She could not sleep but was so tired so she was not very happy about it. I curled up next to her in that tiny toddler bed and we laid there face to face, nose to nose. I would smiled a little she would give a little smile back until we were both in full face grins. Then I laid there and sang to her and absent mindely began to run my fingers over her face. Around and around as soft as I could. In that moment laying there with my baby it took me back to a few months before laying with yours. Cuddling her at night, because those are the hardest times, and talking to her about you. She told me how you would lay in bed and night and tickle her face so as we talked I would do the same. It brought comfort and closeness for her. Somethine she was longing for. Those were sweet times and they are what I remember most about your girls being here with me.
It brought a mixture of sadness and joy to me to realize that even with you gone your influence is strong in my life. Eveytime I do that I know thoughts of you will be there. Thoughts of the mother you were and the mother you are. Thoughts of remembering to slow down and enjoy these moments. I want my children to someday remember me like your do you. They have hundreds of precious little nuggets of golden memories you have given them because you took so much time to just be with them.
Then last night on the phone Jayanne told me our Miller Family get together that was that night. She had her own Melynda moment. Her time-stand-still moment where she could see and almost feel you there. She knew if you were there exactly what you would be doing. You would be in the middle of the room bringing everyone together. Reaching out to those who didn't feel as included and most of all your laugh would be heard from almost any room in the house. She may have been the only one there that could hear that empty sound but it something that won't ever go away.
A month ago Chad posted a video of all the family doing a huge slip n' slid on The Fourth of July. Remember how awesome that was last year....I think we have a tradition in the making. Well nobody else was going so Chad went for it. As I watched him go down the hill and slid off at the bottom I unconiously kept thinking here comes her laugh, here it comes. Then it ended and that was it. It was such a hallow feeling to hear nothing. I will always remember that empty air in those moments where you should be/would be there.
Thank you for being the type of person that has moments that are worth keeping around. There are times that they hurt but there is so much good in remembering you and who you are that it makes it worth it. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Melynda moments. That is what I have come to call them. They are the moments in my life that are pionent with you. Where your influence is complete and I know that in this moment I will always think of you. These things will always be yours.
Last night I was laying in bed with my Josalyn. She could not sleep but was so tired so she was not very happy about it. I curled up next to her in that tiny toddler bed and we laid there face to face, nose to nose. I would smiled a little she would give a little smile back until we were both in full face grins. Then I laid there and sang to her and absent mindely began to run my fingers over her face. Around and around as soft as I could. In that moment laying there with my baby it took me back to a few months before laying with yours. Cuddling her at night, because those are the hardest times, and talking to her about you. She told me how you would lay in bed and night and tickle her face so as we talked I would do the same. It brought comfort and closeness for her. Somethine she was longing for. Those were sweet times and they are what I remember most about your girls being here with me.
It brought a mixture of sadness and joy to me to realize that even with you gone your influence is strong in my life. Eveytime I do that I know thoughts of you will be there. Thoughts of the mother you were and the mother you are. Thoughts of remembering to slow down and enjoy these moments. I want my children to someday remember me like your do you. They have hundreds of precious little nuggets of golden memories you have given them because you took so much time to just be with them.
Then last night on the phone Jayanne told me our Miller Family get together that was that night. She had her own Melynda moment. Her time-stand-still moment where she could see and almost feel you there. She knew if you were there exactly what you would be doing. You would be in the middle of the room bringing everyone together. Reaching out to those who didn't feel as included and most of all your laugh would be heard from almost any room in the house. She may have been the only one there that could hear that empty sound but it something that won't ever go away.
A month ago Chad posted a video of all the family doing a huge slip n' slid on The Fourth of July. Remember how awesome that was last year....I think we have a tradition in the making. Well nobody else was going so Chad went for it. As I watched him go down the hill and slid off at the bottom I unconiously kept thinking here comes her laugh, here it comes. Then it ended and that was it. It was such a hallow feeling to hear nothing. I will always remember that empty air in those moments where you should be/would be there.
Thank you for being the type of person that has moments that are worth keeping around. There are times that they hurt but there is so much good in remembering you and who you are that it makes it worth it. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Day 29
Dear Melynda,
Happy Birthday to Jo! That is right our little Josalyn Holly turned two. Yes! She is still your "destroying angel" as you call her. Actually she is worse. I rememember how she tormented you last summer. You would put all the bowls in your island away....and you being on krutches and bending over to pick up a half dozen bowls while on them wasn't easy.... then only to have her come in not a minute later and throw them all on the ground. She is even more skilled at the her job of destroying. You should see what she can do with a marker. Oh and remember how you don't allow Play Dough in your house..well we bought her some for her birthday...now I know why you don't. Oh! well. Live and learn huh?!
It was a wonderful day. We went swimming, and ate lots of fun food, and of course cake. The day before as I was making her cake I was adding the piping around the edges and it took me back to almost two years ago when you came to visit. You and Dad were here for her blessing. We had stayed up late putting the finishing touches on her blessing dress and head band. Now we were sitting in the kitchen decorating her blessing cake together. I was fine with just some simple chocolate frosting but no you whipped me up some of your special cream cheese frosting that is to die for (and that Jayanne could eat a container of). Then you made some white frosting so we could decorate it. I of course looked like a clumsy, fool doing it while you finished it off for me with the greatest of ease. I remember all the fun time spent there make this marvelouse cake for dinner. Then as we sat in the living room we notice how quiet it was with Carter not running around. Where did we find him? Well of course we found him on the kitchen stool, bent of the counter, quietly eating our cake. The best part is we all laughed and ate it anyway. Even though his little fingers had picked through it.
I am sure it will pass but right now I measure time with "two years ago if I had known....". That is what I kept thinking over and over again. I kept replaying in my head the conversation I had the day she was born. You were at Grandma's house. I was calling with not only the good knews that we had had a baby girl who was healthy and strong but the unexpected knews that I ended up delivering her myself on our linving room floor, alone. I remember talking to you about it and giving you the details but what I remember is how quiet you were not like your usually excited self when you have a new niece born. You then told me about how you were going in for surgery in a couple of hours. A very painful surgery that you would have to be awake for because they thought you were allergic to the anesthsia. I felt so horrible to be going through such a wonderful life changing experience when I felt like you were on the complete other end of the spectrum. To be honest I thougth you hated me for that reason too. I said good bye and hung up not really understanding at the time how difficult the next few hours were going to be for you.
I called you the next day. You sounded aweful. You spent a great majority of the time throwing up. You started telling me about your surgery. I was still operating under the gulit of having something so wonderful happen when you were in so much pain. You started to tell me how you laid on your side while a nurse held you down. While she held you down the doctor was shocking the nerves in your spinal cord to see if those were the ones he should clip. Before the proceedure you told them about me delivering my baby that morning by myself. You started to tell me how bad it hurt and how you could feel shocks in your whole abdomen. You said, "I looked the nurse in the eyes and said, "If my sister can deliver a baby by herself I can do this!"" I thought that was so hilarious because it is not even the same thing and I told you that. I would have gladly deliver a baby on my living room floor everyday for the rest of my life than go spinal surger while being awake. That is why we have our own unique trials...right?!
Summer is killing me. I am coming up on the one year mark for the last time I saw you..alive. Summer I kind of think is our time. It is when I would visit you in St. George, it is when I visit now. Now I am just home. With my cute family mind you but it is just different. I need a swimming party at the Thomas', some shopping at the outlettes, sneaking into movie theaters with our purses full of food and most importantly jamming to some girl music belting it at the top of our lungs while we drive. That is summer with you and I just can't do it alone...okay I still sneak food into the movie theater!
I miss you so much! I love you!
Love, Lar
P.S. These are for you....
Happy Birthday to Jo! That is right our little Josalyn Holly turned two. Yes! She is still your "destroying angel" as you call her. Actually she is worse. I rememember how she tormented you last summer. You would put all the bowls in your island away....and you being on krutches and bending over to pick up a half dozen bowls while on them wasn't easy.... then only to have her come in not a minute later and throw them all on the ground. She is even more skilled at the her job of destroying. You should see what she can do with a marker. Oh and remember how you don't allow Play Dough in your house..well we bought her some for her birthday...now I know why you don't. Oh! well. Live and learn huh?!
It was a wonderful day. We went swimming, and ate lots of fun food, and of course cake. The day before as I was making her cake I was adding the piping around the edges and it took me back to almost two years ago when you came to visit. You and Dad were here for her blessing. We had stayed up late putting the finishing touches on her blessing dress and head band. Now we were sitting in the kitchen decorating her blessing cake together. I was fine with just some simple chocolate frosting but no you whipped me up some of your special cream cheese frosting that is to die for (and that Jayanne could eat a container of). Then you made some white frosting so we could decorate it. I of course looked like a clumsy, fool doing it while you finished it off for me with the greatest of ease. I remember all the fun time spent there make this marvelouse cake for dinner. Then as we sat in the living room we notice how quiet it was with Carter not running around. Where did we find him? Well of course we found him on the kitchen stool, bent of the counter, quietly eating our cake. The best part is we all laughed and ate it anyway. Even though his little fingers had picked through it.
I am sure it will pass but right now I measure time with "two years ago if I had known....". That is what I kept thinking over and over again. I kept replaying in my head the conversation I had the day she was born. You were at Grandma's house. I was calling with not only the good knews that we had had a baby girl who was healthy and strong but the unexpected knews that I ended up delivering her myself on our linving room floor, alone. I remember talking to you about it and giving you the details but what I remember is how quiet you were not like your usually excited self when you have a new niece born. You then told me about how you were going in for surgery in a couple of hours. A very painful surgery that you would have to be awake for because they thought you were allergic to the anesthsia. I felt so horrible to be going through such a wonderful life changing experience when I felt like you were on the complete other end of the spectrum. To be honest I thougth you hated me for that reason too. I said good bye and hung up not really understanding at the time how difficult the next few hours were going to be for you.
I called you the next day. You sounded aweful. You spent a great majority of the time throwing up. You started telling me about your surgery. I was still operating under the gulit of having something so wonderful happen when you were in so much pain. You started to tell me how you laid on your side while a nurse held you down. While she held you down the doctor was shocking the nerves in your spinal cord to see if those were the ones he should clip. Before the proceedure you told them about me delivering my baby that morning by myself. You started to tell me how bad it hurt and how you could feel shocks in your whole abdomen. You said, "I looked the nurse in the eyes and said, "If my sister can deliver a baby by herself I can do this!"" I thought that was so hilarious because it is not even the same thing and I told you that. I would have gladly deliver a baby on my living room floor everyday for the rest of my life than go spinal surger while being awake. That is why we have our own unique trials...right?!
Summer is killing me. I am coming up on the one year mark for the last time I saw you..alive. Summer I kind of think is our time. It is when I would visit you in St. George, it is when I visit now. Now I am just home. With my cute family mind you but it is just different. I need a swimming party at the Thomas', some shopping at the outlettes, sneaking into movie theaters with our purses full of food and most importantly jamming to some girl music belting it at the top of our lungs while we drive. That is summer with you and I just can't do it alone...okay I still sneak food into the movie theater!
I miss you so much! I love you!
Love, Lar
 |
| The cake |
 |
| The destruction |
 |
| You and her on her blessing day |
 |
| The last pic I have of you two. You have her her first marshmallow. She loved you after that. |
 |
| Here is our two year old! |
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Day 28
Dear Melynda,
4 Days. That is all I have left and yet for some reason I can't seem to bring in to a close. I still wake up everyday and think of what I want to tell you. I think of stories to share, things that remind me of you, and all the things that make me sad about you being gone. None of those thoughts ever turn into words. I haven't been ready to wake up and not think about all those things. It is how I keep you around and close. So much for a month long project...huh!?
I just dropped off three of the most beautiful girls yesterday and it broke my heart. I love them so much. I loved being with them and wrapping my arms around them every night. Yes, it was terribly gut wrenching to have me hold them and not you, but I do feel grateful for the opportunity. I felt grateful for every hug and every tear they trusted me enough to share.
While your girls were here one night to we went to a carnival. I was there rushing around with six kids trying to make sure none of them were lost or wandered off. Right as the sun was setting we were heading to the car. The parking lot was almost empty and us seven were pretty much alone. The kids all ran off together and then I was alone. I did the strangest thing. Standing there watching your girls run up the hill, all smiles and being as silly as they can, I turned to say something to you about them. When I turned smiling at my own thought and ready to share them with you I realized you weren't there it was one of those heart squeezing moments. Similar to about a month ago when I picked up the phone and pushed "talk" only to remember that you wouldn't answer (no matter how many times I called). I felt so lonely. I could feel the weight on me of how things have changed now and won't ever be the same.
Now that summer is here that is what my mind is constantly flipping to last summer. All those lazy days around the house, going shopping, sewing, Harry Potter movies, spending the morning laying in your bed talking while the kids played, swimming, and looking for days for dresses for the wedding. Going to the Brown's house together on the last night I saw you. Chatting with you and saying "goodbye". That one last hug, one last wave. One last look. I miss how we could not talk for a month or see each other for half a year but as soon as we were together we would just fall into "our thing" like we hadn't skipped a beat. Like 2000 miles didn't separate us. But the space that separates us now can feel so heavy at times and others not so much. I miss you. I love you.
Love, Lar
4 Days. That is all I have left and yet for some reason I can't seem to bring in to a close. I still wake up everyday and think of what I want to tell you. I think of stories to share, things that remind me of you, and all the things that make me sad about you being gone. None of those thoughts ever turn into words. I haven't been ready to wake up and not think about all those things. It is how I keep you around and close. So much for a month long project...huh!?
I just dropped off three of the most beautiful girls yesterday and it broke my heart. I love them so much. I loved being with them and wrapping my arms around them every night. Yes, it was terribly gut wrenching to have me hold them and not you, but I do feel grateful for the opportunity. I felt grateful for every hug and every tear they trusted me enough to share.
While your girls were here one night to we went to a carnival. I was there rushing around with six kids trying to make sure none of them were lost or wandered off. Right as the sun was setting we were heading to the car. The parking lot was almost empty and us seven were pretty much alone. The kids all ran off together and then I was alone. I did the strangest thing. Standing there watching your girls run up the hill, all smiles and being as silly as they can, I turned to say something to you about them. When I turned smiling at my own thought and ready to share them with you I realized you weren't there it was one of those heart squeezing moments. Similar to about a month ago when I picked up the phone and pushed "talk" only to remember that you wouldn't answer (no matter how many times I called). I felt so lonely. I could feel the weight on me of how things have changed now and won't ever be the same.
Now that summer is here that is what my mind is constantly flipping to last summer. All those lazy days around the house, going shopping, sewing, Harry Potter movies, spending the morning laying in your bed talking while the kids played, swimming, and looking for days for dresses for the wedding. Going to the Brown's house together on the last night I saw you. Chatting with you and saying "goodbye". That one last hug, one last wave. One last look. I miss how we could not talk for a month or see each other for half a year but as soon as we were together we would just fall into "our thing" like we hadn't skipped a beat. Like 2000 miles didn't separate us. But the space that separates us now can feel so heavy at times and others not so much. I miss you. I love you.
Love, Lar
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day 27
Dear Melynda,
I will never forget how good you were to me as a teenager. Whenever we would come down to St. George you would haul me and Jay around wherever you went. Whenever I drive over Foremaster Drive, in St. George, and down the hill on my way to Costco I always think of the times that we would go "mudding" with Ashton. We would climb in his truck and drive over the hill where, at the time, almost nothing was out there. We would then barrel over the red dirt right after it had rained. Slipping and sliding around. It was so scary! There would be so much mud we couldn't see out the windshield. We would laugh and laugh.
Remember the time we went to Charlie's. I was sitting in the back of Ashton's old boat of a car and he peeled out of there and took a corner really fast. I literally rolled from one side of the car to the other and slammed my head against the window. He felt so bad and apologized over and over again. Man I was cool! but you would still bring me along.
Or there is the time during spring break that we walked the boulevard and some guys picked you and your friends up. They had a couch in the back of their truck and we rode around with them for awhile. Your friends never said anything to us about tagging along. It was just understood that when we were around we got to come with you. Whether secretly inside you dreaded this...it wouldn't surprise me because I would...you never showed it. You were always so happy when we were there and always so glad to share your life in St. George with us.
I would NEVER in a million years let my little sister tag along. I still can't put my finger on why you did, but those are some of the best memories of my preteen and teenage years. Those became the precursor to the all the time I would spend tagging along with you a Dave. I am so grateful that you would let me be so apart of your life. It is a huge blessing to me. I am grateful to have those memories told for the next little while until we can make more.
I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
I will never forget how good you were to me as a teenager. Whenever we would come down to St. George you would haul me and Jay around wherever you went. Whenever I drive over Foremaster Drive, in St. George, and down the hill on my way to Costco I always think of the times that we would go "mudding" with Ashton. We would climb in his truck and drive over the hill where, at the time, almost nothing was out there. We would then barrel over the red dirt right after it had rained. Slipping and sliding around. It was so scary! There would be so much mud we couldn't see out the windshield. We would laugh and laugh.
Remember the time we went to Charlie's. I was sitting in the back of Ashton's old boat of a car and he peeled out of there and took a corner really fast. I literally rolled from one side of the car to the other and slammed my head against the window. He felt so bad and apologized over and over again. Man I was cool! but you would still bring me along.
Or there is the time during spring break that we walked the boulevard and some guys picked you and your friends up. They had a couch in the back of their truck and we rode around with them for awhile. Your friends never said anything to us about tagging along. It was just understood that when we were around we got to come with you. Whether secretly inside you dreaded this...it wouldn't surprise me because I would...you never showed it. You were always so happy when we were there and always so glad to share your life in St. George with us.
I would NEVER in a million years let my little sister tag along. I still can't put my finger on why you did, but those are some of the best memories of my preteen and teenage years. Those became the precursor to the all the time I would spend tagging along with you a Dave. I am so grateful that you would let me be so apart of your life. It is a huge blessing to me. I am grateful to have those memories told for the next little while until we can make more.
I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
Friday, March 30, 2012
Day 26
Dear Mel,
I am sorry. I know I am not consistent enough. Even though I still number everyday like I am. :) I am just going to be honest. I just can't. My heart is there but in the end I have realized that my thirty day project will probably take close to sixty. Everyday I think about you. Some days are clear and concise and I know exactly what I want to say. Others, most days, are a jumble of thoughts and feelings. My ability to write it down greatly depends on my "emotional state" for the day. Usually if I am having a tough day I tend to be more willing to "emotionally vomit"...those are your words BTW...on you and I feel better. Other days I am relatively happy and I don't want to touch for fear of sinking again. I have to take full advantage of my good days and also allow my bad days to flush themselves out. So, once again you have become my sounding board just like normal. This a little harder though because you never talk back. I my mind though I always like to imagine that I know you well enough by now that I know just how you would react and what you would say. Someday you may have to correct me on that assumption.
The other day I cracked open my photos. The ones I came home with after your funeral and haven't dared to look at since. I didn't want to think about it at all. I didn't need help recalling how much I miss you, but that was a good day, so I decided it was better to do it on a good day than a bad one. It was actually really fun. I love watching you change over the years. All my photos are of you in high school and when you were still having babies. Many of them you are pregnant...which I know were your favorite.
Today the ones that did prick my heart were the ones I found of you, me, and Jay. Now that she is the only living sister I have I tend to lean on her more than I should. She and I are in the same place. We both deal very differently. She usually calls and talks and I know she is having a bad by the sound of her voice even though she doesn't say it. She doesn't want to talk about it she just wants someone on the other line. Me I like to fix everything. Anything I come to understand I want to share so I can make it better for her. Believe me I know how SUPER annoying it is but it is just my compulsion and the majority of the time it gets the better of me.
God knew what he was doing when he made the three of us sisters. He knew we needed each other. He knew he could put three people together and while they were all very different they all had good hearts and he knew that we would understand how much we needed one another. I rejoice in my heart often over the fact that our brothers and sister have accepted our need to be together and our desire to share in one another lives. I know with your death it has brought many questions to the surface about how good of a person I am to those I love most, but deep down I know that we did care for each other and we all showed it by our dedication to each other and their families. You were a great sister. I would give anything to go back and live each memory with you over the last twenty-seven years. I curse my mind almost daily for the loss of memory I already feel I am having. I just pray that maybe when the cloud lifts from my mind things may be a little clearer. I need you. I need you so bad it hurts. I have so many questions. So many things I took for granted that I could ask you and now when I think of them a pain shoots through my heart. I know there are others around me to ask that I trust but the difference is is that in your answers I am sure. Others I have to evaluate and think through but I trust your opinion completely. I know you always try to do the right thing. I know that you take the time to think it through. I often finding myself wanting to ask you questions about your girls and if you were in my situation what would you do. Often times I don't know how we will get through this life. Sometimes things feel like they are going to fall apart before we see you again. I know there is hope in the Savior, in your resurrection, but it is the right here and now that scares me. The next few years. I don't know what to do for your girls. I don't know how to calm their breaking hearts. Sometimes I feel like everyone around them is in such a terrible spot to help because we don't even know what we are doing. Plus we are just trying to keep our heads above water, too. I don't know how to be something I am not. They don't want me or Jay they want you and that is the hardest thing of all. There is no fix there is only band aides. They stay for awhile and then they fall off and it all opens up again.
I remember all those weekends when the three of us would get together and revel in our motherly bliss. More like chaos. It was to watch them enjoy each other and be together. Take in how each of us handle our own children. Watch as you worked furiously to be the favorite aunt to all of me and Jay's kids. (We know that is your secret. To be all their favorites. You were/are pretty tough competition. I feel like I will never top you and I am not sure I want to.) I remember the laughing, talking, fights (between kids), mass meals produced, and projects. Like the time we decided to turn Jayanne's bedroom into a photo studio. We dressed them all up and took a thousand shots of them all together. Now they hang on Dad's wall. Fun was had, being together was what it was really all about, and we would ended the day exhausted. I lived for times like that in Utah. To be honest I am scared to go back. Scared for the quietness that will accompany such an event without you. Scared of the absence that will be painfully apparent. I wonder often if we will ever share such moments again. I imagine we will because I think the next life will be filled with happiness and those are some of my happiest here on earth. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
I am sorry. I know I am not consistent enough. Even though I still number everyday like I am. :) I am just going to be honest. I just can't. My heart is there but in the end I have realized that my thirty day project will probably take close to sixty. Everyday I think about you. Some days are clear and concise and I know exactly what I want to say. Others, most days, are a jumble of thoughts and feelings. My ability to write it down greatly depends on my "emotional state" for the day. Usually if I am having a tough day I tend to be more willing to "emotionally vomit"...those are your words BTW...on you and I feel better. Other days I am relatively happy and I don't want to touch for fear of sinking again. I have to take full advantage of my good days and also allow my bad days to flush themselves out. So, once again you have become my sounding board just like normal. This a little harder though because you never talk back. I my mind though I always like to imagine that I know you well enough by now that I know just how you would react and what you would say. Someday you may have to correct me on that assumption.
The other day I cracked open my photos. The ones I came home with after your funeral and haven't dared to look at since. I didn't want to think about it at all. I didn't need help recalling how much I miss you, but that was a good day, so I decided it was better to do it on a good day than a bad one. It was actually really fun. I love watching you change over the years. All my photos are of you in high school and when you were still having babies. Many of them you are pregnant...which I know were your favorite.
Today the ones that did prick my heart were the ones I found of you, me, and Jay. Now that she is the only living sister I have I tend to lean on her more than I should. She and I are in the same place. We both deal very differently. She usually calls and talks and I know she is having a bad by the sound of her voice even though she doesn't say it. She doesn't want to talk about it she just wants someone on the other line. Me I like to fix everything. Anything I come to understand I want to share so I can make it better for her. Believe me I know how SUPER annoying it is but it is just my compulsion and the majority of the time it gets the better of me.
God knew what he was doing when he made the three of us sisters. He knew we needed each other. He knew he could put three people together and while they were all very different they all had good hearts and he knew that we would understand how much we needed one another. I rejoice in my heart often over the fact that our brothers and sister have accepted our need to be together and our desire to share in one another lives. I know with your death it has brought many questions to the surface about how good of a person I am to those I love most, but deep down I know that we did care for each other and we all showed it by our dedication to each other and their families. You were a great sister. I would give anything to go back and live each memory with you over the last twenty-seven years. I curse my mind almost daily for the loss of memory I already feel I am having. I just pray that maybe when the cloud lifts from my mind things may be a little clearer. I need you. I need you so bad it hurts. I have so many questions. So many things I took for granted that I could ask you and now when I think of them a pain shoots through my heart. I know there are others around me to ask that I trust but the difference is is that in your answers I am sure. Others I have to evaluate and think through but I trust your opinion completely. I know you always try to do the right thing. I know that you take the time to think it through. I often finding myself wanting to ask you questions about your girls and if you were in my situation what would you do. Often times I don't know how we will get through this life. Sometimes things feel like they are going to fall apart before we see you again. I know there is hope in the Savior, in your resurrection, but it is the right here and now that scares me. The next few years. I don't know what to do for your girls. I don't know how to calm their breaking hearts. Sometimes I feel like everyone around them is in such a terrible spot to help because we don't even know what we are doing. Plus we are just trying to keep our heads above water, too. I don't know how to be something I am not. They don't want me or Jay they want you and that is the hardest thing of all. There is no fix there is only band aides. They stay for awhile and then they fall off and it all opens up again.
I remember all those weekends when the three of us would get together and revel in our motherly bliss. More like chaos. It was to watch them enjoy each other and be together. Take in how each of us handle our own children. Watch as you worked furiously to be the favorite aunt to all of me and Jay's kids. (We know that is your secret. To be all their favorites. You were/are pretty tough competition. I feel like I will never top you and I am not sure I want to.) I remember the laughing, talking, fights (between kids), mass meals produced, and projects. Like the time we decided to turn Jayanne's bedroom into a photo studio. We dressed them all up and took a thousand shots of them all together. Now they hang on Dad's wall. Fun was had, being together was what it was really all about, and we would ended the day exhausted. I lived for times like that in Utah. To be honest I am scared to go back. Scared for the quietness that will accompany such an event without you. Scared of the absence that will be painfully apparent. I wonder often if we will ever share such moments again. I imagine we will because I think the next life will be filled with happiness and those are some of my happiest here on earth. I miss you. I love you!
Love, Lar
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