Dear Wife / Partner / Girlfriend / Significant Other,
1. From June 9 to July 9, 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper daily so that you are well aware of what’s going on regarding the World Cup. This is so that you will be able to join any conversations that are bound to take place. If you fail to do this, you will be looked at with disdain or alternatively, you will totally be ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine – MINE, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even catch a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you really have to pass in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me, or worse, blocking my view. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV in a desperate act to get my attention, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor… It won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things for me to nibble on. And please do not make funny faces at my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 6pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please! If you see me upset because the team I support is in the midst losing, DO NOT say “Get over it, it’s only a game”, or “Don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me fume and get angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so-called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break-up.
7. You are welcomed to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when commercials are on, and only if the half-time score pleases me. In addition, please note I am saying “ONE” game; hence, do not use the World Cup as an excuse to “spend quality time together”.
8. The replays of the goals are VERY important. I don’t care if I have seen them before or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any baby-, or any other child-related parties or gatherings that will require my attendance because:
• I will not go,
• I will not go, and
• I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the actual games. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this... why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch together?” because, the reply will be “Refer to Rule #2 of this list.”
12. And, finally, please save expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every four years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League Premier League, FA Cup, etc…
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of The World