Dasvidanya ACCA!

ACCA's finally over for now. Finally have the time to catch up with quality time with Princess, as well as my gaming time. I feel like I did pretty much ok, or at least the best I can do having said eventhough I studied the least amongst most of my friends, it is definitely a lot more than I usually do, and to me that is enough to consider an achievement. As for the rest, let the results speak for themselves.

On another note, many people who have gamed with me over the years of my life have been waiting for Blizzard to release the highly anticipated Diablo III. We were promised to get it after the release of Starcraft II, which was suppose to be finally worked on after years of delay following the completion of the said to be final expansion of World of Warcraft, the Wrath of the Lich King.

And the Heavens, shall tremble

But alas, no such luck, in fact they keep on delaying. They just released the 3.3 patch for World of Warcraft, which is ironically titled the Fall of the Lich King. Where the gates to the Icecrown Citidel have finally been torn down by the Argent Crusade therefore allowing Arthas to finally serve his purpose as the final raid boss of World of Warcraft's third patch, the Wrath of the Lich King.

Frostmourn Hungers!

I like what Terenas Menethil, Arthas' father, says in the ending of the trailer, after condemning him and warning him that he will pay for all the atrocities he has bestowed onto his people.

Terenas Menethil: Look now to your defenses, my son, for the champions of justice gather at your gates!
Arthas: Let them come. Frostmourne hungers!

And BAH, to make things worse, I know now that they are not even trying to complete Diablo III anytime soon for they are releasing a new expansion soon enough, eventhough they said that Wrath of the Lich King would be the last. Now for World of Warcraft: Cataclysm.

I have faced the ravages of time, the curse of nightmares and the mists of sorcery, thanks to the others! What weapons do you bring?

If it is any consolation, I was wondering when Deathwing would bring terror to Azeroth having said that his son, Nefarion, and daughter, Onyxia, were raid bosses back in the original World of Warcraft for tier 2 set pieces. The good ol' days.

Well I look forward for the good things Blizzard has to offer, and I truly hope Diablo III comes out soon.

Sick Xiong

You know BeaR is sick when:-
i) He drinks hot soup
ii) He drinks a hot lemon tea
iii) He bathes at maximum temperature
iv) He wears a jacket in his room
v) His air conditioner is not even on

Eff Emm Elle

Buttons' ass in the picture

Yeah, What the dousche? This will be the LAST TIME I EVER attempt to do ANYTHING about IKEA's Do-It-Yourself crap. While trying to pry the hinge off the bed with a screwdriver, the hinge popped off resulting in the screwdriver dashing forward towards my left hand's second finger that was waiting in anticipation with open arms.

And The List Has Not Ended...

I just found out TODAY during dinner with Princess and her friends that I have a wound underneath my tongue.

Eff
Emm
Elle

And Major Clumsy Strikes again.

While trying to fix his bed.

Before

After

Bandages not really doing justice.

The Amazing Walk

Last night, I went to bed with the intention to get 3 things done today
1) Pass up Princess' enrollment form along with mine
2) Get my laundry done
3) Buy food for Buttons

I then woke up this morning, wishing that I did not have those intentions. Bah, I was lazy. Probably because I have taken it for granted for so long. Since Princess, Rue and Anthony are always willing to ferry me around, I have not walked on my own two feet for a very very long time.

Warning: Objects in the map may be a lot bigger than they seem

Tada, this would be the route that I took. Practically took a tour round Bandar Sunway. Dropped my laundry off at the dobi next to my house, walked over to the College itself to hand in the enrollment forms, and finally walked to pyramid to buy Buttons' food.

While walking to Pyramid, it dawned upon me that I was feeling very nostalgic about this route. The route starting from Sunway's side gate through all the old apartments ending up at Pyramid would be the route that I used to take every time I wanted to go to Pyramid back in 2003, my first year in college.

It also struck me shortly after which that I suddenly feel different about walking. Then I figured it is probably because Princess has always been so caring, insisting to fetch me to class and back, and many a time to go pak thor as well. This would be the reason I have not walked for a while, I told myself.

In all my years of tertiary education, I have never once had a car, nor have I ever insisted that I should have one. My dad has always tried to make sure that we live within walking distance from wherever we study so that a car would never be necessary. Which would be why I had gotten so use to commuting from A to B and back to A again.

Then it got me thinking even further. I always wanted to have my own mode of transportation. I never really liked relying on other people as it did not feel good. And due to our remarkable city planning that was probably completed within a 3 and a half minute meeting., there are destinations that cannot be accessed through the medium of railed transportation.

Then my brain persisted on thinking EVEN further. Throughout my tertiary life, I always liked upgrading my mobile phone:

2003: 6800

2004: 7200

2005: 6630

2006: n73

2007: n95 8gb

2009: n97 (waiting since 2008 =.=)

Then it struck me how annoyed I would always get when people would make a big fuss about the money I spend on my phones. Yes, I know they cost about RM2000 on average, and they were all paid for with my own cash, not my dad's. But think about it this way, I have never had a car to drive, and even if I did, RM2000 would be barely enough to make it through half the year on petrol alone.

Many people do not know how lucky they are to get their own brand new bumper car as soon as they pass their driving examinations. Instead they want to compare with other people over other petty things like how often that person buys new mobile phones. If you have so much free time, how about you start counting your own blessings before you take the liberty of counting others'

I did spend the last 2 months stressing over my future pay vs. the fixed cost I would have to pay. It comes as no surprise to me why non-Selangor people usually end up returning to their hometown to work. For us to work in KL, lodging comes as a fixed cost probably ranging anything from rm300-rm500 per month depending on location. Furthermore back at home, we have the privilege of using family cars to transport ourselves.

But God answered my prayers, and my mum told me that when my sister goes overseas to pursue her studies, my beloved car will be given back to me so that I will not have to incur any car installments as soon as I begin working.

The Epitome of Clumsiness

Today while going to give Princess a hug on my bed, I, clumsily, rammed my left foot straight into my dumbbell that I usually leave just beneath the foot of my bed. I literally let out a roar of pain, scaring her for a micro second. Only when I did come to my senses, did I realise that the top right bit of my left foot's third toe nail had been, well, knocked hard enough to cause it to bleed.

Blood's not so obvious cause I washed it while bathing, which equally, was not pleasant

Not the first time I've been this clumsy. In fact, I am actually very clumsy with my legs. My Penang house has this wooden plank of wood, or sometimes marble, about 1 foot tall, at the base of all the walls. And almost everytime I turn a corner in my house, for some reason, one of my feet will always lag behind and/or my body will turn round the corner too quickly, resulting in the lagging foot ramming straight into the wooden/marble bottom of the wall.

Followed by a long groan of pain, my mum would always have something to say about it.

About 10 years ago, she would say, "My poor yun, (I am called yun as I had the inability to pronounce 's' when I was young, and always replacing it with a 'y', thus son became yun) are you ok?"

About 5 years ago, that gesture of concern became a more impatient and less sentimental one. She would say, "Please walk properly and stop being so clumsy"

Eventually, even now, she has given up on concern and has decided to just go along with, "Will you stop hurting my house?"

Oh well, I suppose this would be an appropriate time to say something like fml.

On another note, to prolong the unfortunate series of events, it dawned upon me that my keys had gone missing, in my own room. I searched high and low but alas, my search bore no fruit. fmlx2.

Sawadee-leh mah leh-kap

Yesterday hor, I was sleeping VERY VERY peacefully.

All of a sudden, I got a call from a mysterious 014 number, which ALSO called me the night before as well (but I missed it).

As my mind begin to shift and understand that the sudden noise infecting my ears came from my phone, I started to get very irritated as I hate being woken up. After all, the only person I permit to call me when I am sleeping is Princess. IF it is anyone else, then it had better important...

... And seeing how it turned out to be a 014 number and, most certainly NOT Princess' personal ringtone, it was, more obvious than not, NOT Princess.

So through my pain and my anguish, I reached out to my phone trying hard not to open my eyes so I could go back to sleep immediately after I tell the bugger that I am sleeping.

But the first thing I heard on the phone was
014: สวัสดี! อรุณสวัสดิ์! สบายดีไหม? (Sawadee! Aroonsawas! Sabaideemai?) [Hello! Good Morning! How Are You?]

In the midst of my beautiful slumber, I hear my phone ring, and upon picking up the call this is the first thing I hear, NOT a good thing.

So I sat up, and responded in a VERY irritated tone
Eddy: WRONG number.

The caller sounded, shocked, at my response.

014: Huh?

Eddy: wrong... NUMBER!



The only one thought that raced through my mind was (Of all things I am awoken by this m*****f***ing knnccb pkmcblc Tha....)

014: SAW! IT'S ME SIN JERN LA, YOUR FAVOURITE FAT FRIEND!

Hearing that, it only took me not more than half a second to recompose myself

Eddy: Oh.. ok..

014: Cibai, you cannot recognise my voice meh?

Eddy: Sorry lo, Ba lu khun cheh nia (Just woke up nia)

He began telling me how he is back for a few days to settle some visa issues, as he is studying in Thailand, hence, the excruciatingly painful greeting that awaited me somewhere around 8-9am yesterday morning

That's Sin Jern on the far left, followed by Samantha (Samster the Hamster) and Joel, X'mas 2006

Chuah Sin Jern, is one of my two bestest best friends (bbf) from my hometown, the Pearl of the Orient, Penang. The other being Joel Lim Siew Cheang of course. I've known these two since 1999, when Sin Jern and I were in form 2 and Joel was in form 1. Hence this year marks 10 years of unshattered friendship, eventhough we've been separated so many times.

Samantha pointed out during our last major gettogether, Chinese New Year 2008, that it is very amusing to observe the three of us conversing as we have absolutely nothing in common and yet our conversations are funny, hilarious, entertaining to listen to and can last for hours.

Sin Jern ended up being science stream student back in form 4, but not really enjoying it as he had the mentality of an arts stream student, like me, which would revolve around something like, couldn't be arsed about getting 9A's in SPM.

I believe it was in form 4 that we actually started getting closer. His dad works in KL so occasionally he'd take a bus down to visit, so one time he randomly asked me if I would like to follow him, and so I did.

Yes people, back then, we considered coming to KL a holiday, as oppose to what most of you think, and I am pretty sure you'd equally consider going to Penang a holiday as well, but guess what, I do not think that going to Penang constitutes as a holiday.

We did another trip post SPM, probably in december. We were more well prepared this time, with hotel numbers and designated destinations, as opposed to going in 2001 blindly not knowing what we wanted to do.

After SPM I went to Sunway College to pursue MUFY, and he went to every college in Penang over the period of 3 years. But every other weekend, I would come back and he would be one of the 2 people I would call, the other being Joel of course.

Taylor's UWE Year End Party, 2005, with Sin Jern being on the top right

In 2005 I entered Taylor's and he was already studying in TarCollege, but every once in a while he'd take the LRT all the way down to find me as there were more things to do in Subang than Setapak and my house was well equipped for guest.

When I left for UK, he too left, but for Thailand instead, Bangkok in fact (hence the ability to call me up and greet me in Thai). Since then I haven't really gotten the chance to see him. He did come back during Chinese New Year in 2008 but that's about it. Of course, we look forward to meeting up next during Chinese New Year 2009.

My 22nd Birthday, Red Box, Gurney, 2007

We share an interesting bond with each other, probably cause we have known each other for so long. And I will never, ever, forget all the years he used to miss call me because he never had enough credit to call me properly, even when it was him who needed someone to talk to. I always, ALWAYS, always had to call him back. But not like I minded anyway, a friend in need is a friend indeed, no? I even took the liberty of subscribing to DiGi for the Friends and Family package reducing the price per call to a very low amount. But, much to my dismay, he ended up miss calling THAT line as well saying it was cheaper for ME to call HIM back using THAT line.

Jane's Farewell, 2006

Joel's my other bestest best friend, as lame as it sounds. Joel grew up in high school not being liked by many, even students from other schools did not really like him much either. But it was easy to understand why. Flaw in many people around him was, they all knew how to complain and dislike, but no one ever wanted to give him a chance, or to help him change. Joel basically can be very well mannered yet lack social ethicate, but he's improved a lot since we've been close friends.

Joel progressively studied in Penang, till he graduated, never leaving his hometown. Proved to be far more patriotic than me.

Joyce's random "I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH" outing, 2006

Even up til now, many people still ask me:
How can you tolerate him?
Do you not think it is embarrassing to be around him in public?
What if people assume the two of you are the same?
Won't it tarnish your reputation as well?

and other mean and vile questions like that.

I even had this conversation even with my mother, and the point I shall throw across, siding Joel of course, would be: As dumbfounded and imbecilic he can be, he is one friend who has never ONCE let me down, of course until he had a bitch for a girlfriend a couple of years back, and like it or not, he's stood by me for 10 years up til now.

But leaving form 5 in school, all my classmates said the same goddamn thing to me. Something about not forgetting each other, best friends forever, give me your handphone number, keep in touch!

Bollocks. Joel never once said that to me yet he still contacts me till now. We do favours for each other without expecting anything in return. Whenever he wants to come down to KL, he will bunk in with me. Whenever he needs someone to fetch his girlfriend, especially back then when all he had was his bike, as I live a lot nearer to her, I would fetch her for him. Whenever I need someone to help me run errands, he'd always help. Even now he is patiently going through lowyat forums everyday to look for desktop parts for me because I personally do not have the patience to read post by post.

Also my Birthday back in 2007

But amazingly, that is how our friendship stands. Joel is the one friend, as oppose to all of my classmates in high school, especially those that hated him, that I can always rely on. We even went to see our high school headmaster retire June this year. Yup, we still hold strong to our Alma Mater.

Brother Paul Ho's Retirement Dinner, 2009

Joel and Sin Jern started mingling more around 2003 when we all gained to ability to maneuver our own vehicles. I still miss all our 12 hour cybercafe marathons. We used to do them everytime I found time to come back from KL, followed by a midnight scrumptious meal at rafee.

Remarkably we have seen each other through trials and our tribulations, even all our relationships. We have stood by each other when we needed each other the most. We know that if ever we need someone to rely on, the 3 of us would genuinely be prepared to help each other out. I even think we have reached that point in our friendship whereby we can read each others minds without needing anything to be said.

When we fall, we would never fret, not just because the mightiest have fallen, but because we know we will always be there to pick each other up as and when we fall.

We've cried
We've laughed
We've yelled
We've ki siao-ed
We've probably done every darn thing right and wrong in Penang, many memories to last us a lifetime.

We do not brag about our exceptional friendship, we do not talk to each other everyday, we do not fake the stereotype "we should meet up again"s comments or messages in facebook, we do not even get to see each other very often. But as and when we do, it always feels like time has not passed since high school when we first understood that we would be best friends forever.

"Many people spend their whole life searching, for true friends like mine."

Happy 10 years anniversary lo, and many more to come. We shall celebrate the belated version during Chinese New Year 2010 ok?

Subject: A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails!

I found this in my email, with regards to a man who has gotten so bloody sick and tired, as I personally have, with chain mails.



I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 and so on...

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc...

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because
they cause cancer ...

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! She's been there since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will pee on your keyboard today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now.....................but who knows. So please forward.

Unclear of the Concept?

"Anyone" it seems...

Probably missing something...
... somewhere

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

I really love Cyanide and Happiness.. Haha..

The Irish Farmer

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'

Then Seamus turned to the Judge and the Solicitor : "If you were me, what the hell would you say?"

Reality

The Power Of Your Name

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come
Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I'd been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I'd been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

I will live
To carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I'd been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Laundry

Random strips from Cyanide and Happiness

Behold, the Lachesis.

Finally I convinced myself to purchase such an expensive investment.



Seriously it is far superior to the fucking retarded Copperhead.



Probably should have listened to my friend(dota queen) when she and all her friends pointed out that Copperhead is probably Razer's lousiest mouse.

I r' Upgraded!

Hypocracy At It's Best

I do not know about you but I have had my fair share of a hypocrite, probably the biggest in my life thus far. So much so even my mother tells me to stay away from him.

A lot of my real friends have been scapegoated because of this particular individual. Which is rather contradictory as he used to tell me how he only indulges in saying things upfront. But then again, he does, only he fears using his own name to state his claims. Therefore, he uses the names of other people to throw his point of view across.

But, nevertheless, this is done tactfully as this individual is not as stupid as we would hope. Allow me to demonstrate how his marvelous state of the art hypocracy is acted out.

Hypocrite: Hey, do you think that Edward is wrong for this and that (usually not important).
Scapegoat: Er.. Ok what? I do not think he is wrong.
Hypocrite: (Growing desperate to convince the scapegoat) Then he gets angry and throws his temper (Old school but still his favourite way of victimizing me) and all of you are ok with that?
Scapegoat: Ah.. A bit la..
Hypocrite: He should not say that right?
Scapegoat: Probably.

He then comes to me and says

Hypocrite: Eh Edward, scapegoat says you are wrong and you should not have done this this that that. (Self-claimed innocence)
Edward: But the scapegoat would not say something like that. It is not in his nature.
Hypocrite: I do not know la.. But he was in a bad mood that day so I asked him why and somehow he blurted this to me.

It took me many encounters to see through this lie. Yet another example of his cowardice hypocracy would be how he does not dare to use his own name when he is pinpointing his victims (or probably me only)

Sigh. It is truly sad that he once told me the world loves him more than me. Which did not affect me at all as the truth was already known to me.

I am glad to have known him. This way I know I am truly blessed not to have useless parents who know not how to raise me to grow up to be anything close to him.

When I say I'm broke, I mean I AM broke.

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

Food For Thought.

I read this somewhere, but I can't remember where. LoL..

Is it a coincidence that there's almost an equal number of churches as there are strip clubs?

I don't think so. It just means there's as many religious people as there are 'lap dance enthusiasts.'

What's interesting is that there's a group of people that regularly visit both.

What's even MORE interesting is that the group of people that work at both.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Will be officially aired 26/06/09!
Michael Bay gives me yet another birthday treat, having said the last treat given was in 2007!



I think I see Ravage, meaning there should be Soundwave, as rumoured.
I also assume that oversized piece of scrap metal might be Devastator, also as rumoured.

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you are going to steal you neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

5. Do not aspire to become irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7. Never forget you are unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you do not succeed, avoid skydiving.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything.

15. Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreens.

16. Do not worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you are not learning much if your lips are moving.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.

25. The most wasted day of all is one which we have not laughed.

26. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Where Did We Come From?

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Australian Tourism Website

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a good sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville andHervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first