I really cannot comprehend, cannot comprehend how everyone can simply take my words like that.
And especially because it's like that, I cannot turn back.
Made that decision with truckloads of reluctance, but I decided that it was the best thing to do.
So is it again a case of making everyone but myself happy?
But either way, I would still be unhappy right?
But I chose the path which would make me MORE unhappy.
Perhaps just for now. Perhaps I'll be happier after all these tide over.
All these uncertainties are fighting each other, inside me. In my heart.
I dont even know how to overcome these emotions.
And then I'll go back to masking my emotions, putting a false front. Again.
I'm so tired, of being full of pretense.
And you guys are making judgements, based on what you think.
But really, no one really knows how I'm hurting inside, just because of the false front I put up.
I'm really v.v.v.v.tired. Of everything. And nothing seems to be helping.
Everyday, one thing add to another and my inner turmoil just multiply.
And I feel like the most major loser on earth.
Why cant I just let it go?
And why have that idea been haunting me for months?
Why is it so tempting?
Sigh, I hear the thunder now. I shall look forward to a good sleep.
And waking up, making the final final decision on my subject combinations :)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Thrown into a mega dilemma. With only a few days left to decide.
Sigh. Second day of returning of papers was worst than the first ._.
Did surprisingly well for Chinese tho, rather satisfied :)
There's so much to decide now. Subject combi, CCAs.
And whether or not to do my Chinese homework._.
Dont even wanna look at it manzxc.
Guess I'm gonna stay home this weekend cuz there's no way I can complete the homework by today.
I wanna bake soon though, still looking for stuffs to bake :)
Really really hard to decide on those stuffs. If only I didnt screw EOYs.
Or rather, if only I did as well as I expected to.
Wouldn't be flung into this dilemma now. WHAT TO DO :(
Subject combis are more or less decided, just which combi to put as first choice hmm.
CCAs, well, discussed with Ann that day. Still havent come to a proper decision bout things.
And I seriously dont even wanna look at my Chinese homework.
The stuffs Jianglaoshi told us yesterday was really scary, I can just go take H1CL next year alr ._.
I'm so not motivated seriously ARGH.
Andandand, I've the 4L notes to do. Shall try my best to finish everything by today :)
Shall post another song then off to do Chinese and notes :)
Sigh. Second day of returning of papers was worst than the first ._.
Did surprisingly well for Chinese tho, rather satisfied :)
There's so much to decide now. Subject combi, CCAs.
And whether or not to do my Chinese homework._.
Dont even wanna look at it manzxc.
Guess I'm gonna stay home this weekend cuz there's no way I can complete the homework by today.
I wanna bake soon though, still looking for stuffs to bake :)
Really really hard to decide on those stuffs. If only I didnt screw EOYs.
Or rather, if only I did as well as I expected to.
Wouldn't be flung into this dilemma now. WHAT TO DO :(
Subject combis are more or less decided, just which combi to put as first choice hmm.
CCAs, well, discussed with Ann that day. Still havent come to a proper decision bout things.
And I seriously dont even wanna look at my Chinese homework.
The stuffs Jianglaoshi told us yesterday was really scary, I can just go take H1CL next year alr ._.
I'm so not motivated seriously ARGH.
Andandand, I've the 4L notes to do. Shall try my best to finish everything by today :)
Shall post another song then off to do Chinese and notes :)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Okay I was supposed to sleep.
But some things fill my mind a lil too much decided to blog.
It's the same every year, I'm such a disappointment.
And yet 我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天。
Maybe it's true that I shld nvr expect anything, maybe then I wont be disappointed?
But why does it hurt so much to have expectations of myself?
Frankly speaking I disappointed myself totally today.
Went to school expecting to fail physics and ace the other 3 but it didnt turn out that way.
I surprised myself for physics even :O but it was nothing much to be proud of.
But to look on the bright side, I've made up my mind to do physics next year.
Biology disappoints, I swear.
Every single year biology never fails to disappoint the shit outta me, and I've had enough.
Also, from biology I learnt that effort definitely does not equate to results.
God knows how many freakin hours I spent on that subject with the hope aceing it.
And how I felt after the paper differed from my utter shock from the zero that met my eye when we got the papers back just now.
I really cant believe how unfair this world is. Especially the education system.
Because seriously, my grades definitely dont reflect my intellect.
They just reflect how screwed up my brains get during the exams.
I think it hurts most that my parents dont even say a thing nowadays.
Makes me wonder to myself if theyve really given up on me.
Guess I deserve it anyway, I'm such a disappointment.
They probably dont wanna put their hopes too high for fear of disappointing themselves once again.
I also wonder if they know how much effort I really put in this time round.
Mummy thinks that I dont do well cuz I dont study but thats not true :(
Sometimes I wish she'd understand :/
I dont want them to think that I didnt put in effort at all :/
Cuz I feel that I definitely deserve better than this.
It's easy to say that I'll get thru this.
Sure, ofc I will. But not just yet.
I need a lil more time, before I can actly talk to people w/o plastering that fake smile on.
I'm sure 10 years on I'd look back and myself really foolish, being so unhappy over 2 unsatisfactory numbers.
But I need to re-emphasize, I'm disappointed with not those numbers but the effort vs results idea.
Okay, blogging makes me tired.
This is good.
Goodnight all.
But some things fill my mind a lil too much decided to blog.
It's the same every year, I'm such a disappointment.
And yet 我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天。
Maybe it's true that I shld nvr expect anything, maybe then I wont be disappointed?
But why does it hurt so much to have expectations of myself?
Frankly speaking I disappointed myself totally today.
Went to school expecting to fail physics and ace the other 3 but it didnt turn out that way.
I surprised myself for physics even :O but it was nothing much to be proud of.
But to look on the bright side, I've made up my mind to do physics next year.
Biology disappoints, I swear.
Every single year biology never fails to disappoint the shit outta me, and I've had enough.
Also, from biology I learnt that effort definitely does not equate to results.
God knows how many freakin hours I spent on that subject with the hope aceing it.
And how I felt after the paper differed from my utter shock from the zero that met my eye when we got the papers back just now.
I really cant believe how unfair this world is. Especially the education system.
Because seriously, my grades definitely dont reflect my intellect.
They just reflect how screwed up my brains get during the exams.
I think it hurts most that my parents dont even say a thing nowadays.
Makes me wonder to myself if theyve really given up on me.
Guess I deserve it anyway, I'm such a disappointment.
They probably dont wanna put their hopes too high for fear of disappointing themselves once again.
I also wonder if they know how much effort I really put in this time round.
Mummy thinks that I dont do well cuz I dont study but thats not true :(
Sometimes I wish she'd understand :/
I dont want them to think that I didnt put in effort at all :/
Cuz I feel that I definitely deserve better than this.
It's easy to say that I'll get thru this.
Sure, ofc I will. But not just yet.
I need a lil more time, before I can actly talk to people w/o plastering that fake smile on.
I'm sure 10 years on I'd look back and myself really foolish, being so unhappy over 2 unsatisfactory numbers.
But I need to re-emphasize, I'm disappointed with not those numbers but the effort vs results idea.
Okay, blogging makes me tired.
This is good.
Goodnight all.
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Sunday, October 16, 2011
我在拼 什么
在意什么最多
been asking myself that alot.
headed out to orchard today! :)
happygirl95 :):)
didnt get as much as i wanted, didnt get the dreamcatcher for ting either :(
sorry girl we'll go thr during the hols to find kk :)
walked around and checked out a few new stores, and a few not so new ones.
hardly anything caught my eye :/ this shouldnt be happening ._.
guess my mind's really worried bout my fate, which will be revealed on tues and wed.
cant wait for everything to blow over, provided i do well :)
then i'll be in a better mood to shop and all, hopefully :)
tempted to get a few bottles of pretty nail polishes, dont wanna continue using faceshop's.
not like theirs are THAT bad, it's just that i want a change :)
seen some really nice ones these few days, just controlling my temptation.
telling myself i'll only get them if my EOYs results prove that i deserve them :)
thinking so much these few days, subject combis, ccas, etc.
mummy really doesnt want me to continue in basketball anymore.
i kinda sorta dont wanna stay either, but the thought of not being able to be really close with those dear teammies make me feel rather unwilling to leave.
which is why i'm pretty much looking forward to the cca fair on thursday.
wanna see if other ccas have anything good to offer, maybe i'll take up something new.
learn a new skill, get myself another hobby/interest :)
as for combinations, the dilemma btwn physics and biology will never end.
i'll have to decide anyway, and i'll let the EOYs results decide :)
and other stuffs, realized how much i shoved under the carpet during EOYs mugging period.
so many stuffs are coming back now, all those i told myself not to bother about.
i really dont know, i dont know why people judge.
i dont know what to do, but i know i wont let anybody get me down.
suddenly i miss having exams, i'm not kidding.
i know this sounds pretty insane, but i'll miss burying my head in the notes.
and mugging like i've nothing else to do. and spending every single weekend outside feeling productive.
instead of staying home and slacking my ass off.
but most of all, i miss having exams, because i dont have to think bout other things then.
i'll just mug. mug. and mug. thats it. nothing else.
thought i'd have gotten used to this judgement. but well, i've disappointed myself.
-sidetrack: hunghui texted bout team dinner tmr, hope it works out, then hope i can have the courage to talk to them bout the stuffs i wanna talk to them about. i think they're the people who'll really understand and not judge so much. because i believe they know when i'm serious i'm really serious and i wont kid around.
sigh, okay enough of this unhappiness.
whr's the post-EOYs happiness huh?
hey, you'll probably read this.
i know we've agreed a long time ago to get over this.
but i'm sorry i still get really bothered by things i hear now and then.
i'm trying my best to block them out already.
give me some more time yeah? :/
在意什么最多
been asking myself that alot.
headed out to orchard today! :)
happygirl95 :):)
didnt get as much as i wanted, didnt get the dreamcatcher for ting either :(
sorry girl we'll go thr during the hols to find kk :)
walked around and checked out a few new stores, and a few not so new ones.
hardly anything caught my eye :/ this shouldnt be happening ._.
guess my mind's really worried bout my fate, which will be revealed on tues and wed.
cant wait for everything to blow over, provided i do well :)
then i'll be in a better mood to shop and all, hopefully :)
tempted to get a few bottles of pretty nail polishes, dont wanna continue using faceshop's.
not like theirs are THAT bad, it's just that i want a change :)
seen some really nice ones these few days, just controlling my temptation.
telling myself i'll only get them if my EOYs results prove that i deserve them :)
thinking so much these few days, subject combis, ccas, etc.
mummy really doesnt want me to continue in basketball anymore.
i kinda sorta dont wanna stay either, but the thought of not being able to be really close with those dear teammies make me feel rather unwilling to leave.
which is why i'm pretty much looking forward to the cca fair on thursday.
wanna see if other ccas have anything good to offer, maybe i'll take up something new.
learn a new skill, get myself another hobby/interest :)
as for combinations, the dilemma btwn physics and biology will never end.
i'll have to decide anyway, and i'll let the EOYs results decide :)
and other stuffs, realized how much i shoved under the carpet during EOYs mugging period.
so many stuffs are coming back now, all those i told myself not to bother about.
i really dont know, i dont know why people judge.
i dont know what to do, but i know i wont let anybody get me down.
suddenly i miss having exams, i'm not kidding.
i know this sounds pretty insane, but i'll miss burying my head in the notes.
and mugging like i've nothing else to do. and spending every single weekend outside feeling productive.
instead of staying home and slacking my ass off.
but most of all, i miss having exams, because i dont have to think bout other things then.
i'll just mug. mug. and mug. thats it. nothing else.
thought i'd have gotten used to this judgement. but well, i've disappointed myself.
-sidetrack: hunghui texted bout team dinner tmr, hope it works out, then hope i can have the courage to talk to them bout the stuffs i wanna talk to them about. i think they're the people who'll really understand and not judge so much. because i believe they know when i'm serious i'm really serious and i wont kid around.
sigh, okay enough of this unhappiness.
whr's the post-EOYs happiness huh?
hey, you'll probably read this.
i know we've agreed a long time ago to get over this.
but i'm sorry i still get really bothered by things i hear now and then.
i'm trying my best to block them out already.
give me some more time yeah? :/
Exams are FINALLY over :D
mugged my ass off for this year's EOYs, really proud of the amount of effort i put in :)
regretted not doing so the past 3 years tho, realized how weak my foundation was D:
but anyways, it's over ^^
for once i actually feel rather confident for a few subjects, but i hope i really did well :)
really tired of disappointing my parents and all :/
okay anyway, away from those stuffs :)
I'M IN NEED OF RETAIL THERAPY!
yesyesyes i really need to shop i've so many things i wanna buy.
but first i need to get a job, which i kinda sorta succeeded ^^
hope i can pass the interview then it'll work out just fine :)
had a really relaxing post-exam this time :) felt really good :)
lunch-ed w qianyun on wednesday after the paper, walked around tampines a lil' while and talked :)
gonna miss her alot sigh :( we're like away from each other the entire hols :(
went off awhile while she went to meet her sis to shop.
came back to tamp and decided to solo shop, aft exams feels good :)
even shopping alone feels good heheh :)
didnt get anything yet, was surveying the stuffs i wanted to get so that i dont splurge unnecessarily.
wanted to get bro a present, but was unsuccessful, didnt see anything that i thought he'd like :/
went home bout 4plus? yeah around there.
planned on sleeping till i clear my eyebags like 10000 years ago but i ditched that plan for sth more impt :)
didnt feel that i sacrificied my sleeping time at all ^^
cleared up all my papers that i threw around during my mugging period.
table and shelves so freaking neat now, super proud of myself ^^
thursday was a good day too! :D
had a really filling lunch at Kim Gary, filled till i couldnt walk HAHA.
still had to walk tho, burn those calories off ^^
went for facial after that, nothing more relaxing than a soothing massage :)
headed home and started surfing the net for shows to watch ^^
hate tudou ttm, seriously lagging my lappie and cant even let me watch my shows in peace >.<
shall switch other hosts soon :)
- blogging from my aunt's lappie now, at my granny's place :)
yesterday was eoeoys outing no.1!
went out carefree-ly in such a long long time, finally no exams stress on our minds :)
toured circle line w/o any destination in mind HAHA.
hopped off @ kent ridge, but failed badly in locating kent ridge park. hmph :(
took a bus which lead us to haw par villa instead ^^
sun was scortching hot, bad day to visit hpv :( walked arnd took a few photos.
headed downhill to get drinks but was too lazy to walk back up again LOL.
so headed to vivo! :D and got my gongcha #happygirl
daiso shopping proved unfruitul cuz i was pretty unsure bout what i wanted :/
went back to the - ------ --- place, precious memories revived :)
sat thr and talked for awhile, camwhored, before we headed to shop ^^
f21 splurging #fail
only bought a pair of cutemax socks <3<3
it was totally love at first sight, the price tag made me love it more hehe ^^
the clothes didnt exactly catch much of my attention ley~ sigh.
and i conclude that vivo is totally unsuitable for poor kids like moi :(
maybe when i get my pay (if i get the job) then i'll splurge happily ^^
went off to bugis!
seriously i feel a burning need to complain bout SMRT.
their train services SUCK. yes i totally mean what you think i mean.
and i cant imagine how they've the face to keep implementing price increase.
like seriously? their train services have faults so often, cause so much inconvenience to Singaporeans.
and they still wanna increase their prices.
although i appreciate the increased frequencies of services during peak hours, it's not sufficient.
because Singaporeans simply cant wait 1-2 minutes for the next train.
and they'll squeeze everyone in, just to get themselves in.
inconsiderate maxzc. i mean, spare a thought for the vertically challenged. like yours truly.
i'm practically gasping for air if i'm in the middle of the pack of sardines.
OKAY ENOUGH.
for the first time nothing in bugis really caught my eye.
guess i was rather tired alr ._. sighhh. shall go back thr soon :D
subway dinner, love their soup! :D i have this liking for hot stuffs recently.
keep drinking soups during meals hehe :)
alright i'm posting this one day later than i actly should -.-
because mummy was chasing me to get off the comppp and go home at granny's ystd :(
ahwells :) shall post one more bout tday :)
mugged my ass off for this year's EOYs, really proud of the amount of effort i put in :)
regretted not doing so the past 3 years tho, realized how weak my foundation was D:
but anyways, it's over ^^
for once i actually feel rather confident for a few subjects, but i hope i really did well :)
really tired of disappointing my parents and all :/
okay anyway, away from those stuffs :)
I'M IN NEED OF RETAIL THERAPY!
yesyesyes i really need to shop i've so many things i wanna buy.
but first i need to get a job, which i kinda sorta succeeded ^^
hope i can pass the interview then it'll work out just fine :)
had a really relaxing post-exam this time :) felt really good :)
lunch-ed w qianyun on wednesday after the paper, walked around tampines a lil' while and talked :)
gonna miss her alot sigh :( we're like away from each other the entire hols :(
went off awhile while she went to meet her sis to shop.
came back to tamp and decided to solo shop, aft exams feels good :)
even shopping alone feels good heheh :)
didnt get anything yet, was surveying the stuffs i wanted to get so that i dont splurge unnecessarily.
wanted to get bro a present, but was unsuccessful, didnt see anything that i thought he'd like :/
went home bout 4plus? yeah around there.
planned on sleeping till i clear my eyebags like 10000 years ago but i ditched that plan for sth more impt :)
didnt feel that i sacrificied my sleeping time at all ^^
cleared up all my papers that i threw around during my mugging period.
table and shelves so freaking neat now, super proud of myself ^^
thursday was a good day too! :D
had a really filling lunch at Kim Gary, filled till i couldnt walk HAHA.
still had to walk tho, burn those calories off ^^
went for facial after that, nothing more relaxing than a soothing massage :)
headed home and started surfing the net for shows to watch ^^
hate tudou ttm, seriously lagging my lappie and cant even let me watch my shows in peace >.<
shall switch other hosts soon :)
- blogging from my aunt's lappie now, at my granny's place :)
yesterday was eoeoys outing no.1!
went out carefree-ly in such a long long time, finally no exams stress on our minds :)
toured circle line w/o any destination in mind HAHA.
hopped off @ kent ridge, but failed badly in locating kent ridge park. hmph :(
took a bus which lead us to haw par villa instead ^^
sun was scortching hot, bad day to visit hpv :( walked arnd took a few photos.
headed downhill to get drinks but was too lazy to walk back up again LOL.
so headed to vivo! :D and got my gongcha #happygirl
daiso shopping proved unfruitul cuz i was pretty unsure bout what i wanted :/
went back to the - ------ --- place, precious memories revived :)
sat thr and talked for awhile, camwhored, before we headed to shop ^^
f21 splurging #fail
only bought a pair of cutemax socks <3<3
it was totally love at first sight, the price tag made me love it more hehe ^^
the clothes didnt exactly catch much of my attention ley~ sigh.
and i conclude that vivo is totally unsuitable for poor kids like moi :(
maybe when i get my pay (if i get the job) then i'll splurge happily ^^
went off to bugis!
seriously i feel a burning need to complain bout SMRT.
their train services SUCK. yes i totally mean what you think i mean.
and i cant imagine how they've the face to keep implementing price increase.
like seriously? their train services have faults so often, cause so much inconvenience to Singaporeans.
and they still wanna increase their prices.
although i appreciate the increased frequencies of services during peak hours, it's not sufficient.
because Singaporeans simply cant wait 1-2 minutes for the next train.
and they'll squeeze everyone in, just to get themselves in.
inconsiderate maxzc. i mean, spare a thought for the vertically challenged. like yours truly.
i'm practically gasping for air if i'm in the middle of the pack of sardines.
OKAY ENOUGH.
for the first time nothing in bugis really caught my eye.
guess i was rather tired alr ._. sighhh. shall go back thr soon :D
subway dinner, love their soup! :D i have this liking for hot stuffs recently.
keep drinking soups during meals hehe :)
alright i'm posting this one day later than i actly should -.-
because mummy was chasing me to get off the comppp and go home at granny's ystd :(
ahwells :) shall post one more bout tday :)
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