Supposed to be focused aren't I? But I guess shuffle in itunes decided to end my blogging hiatus. I hate this suffocation albeit bearing with it for so long. Should I blame songs for it? Or should I just blame myself?
“Oh baby come to me, I'm waiting.
Let me hold you tight, don't let go,
Bring it back when love's so good.”
Are these words that I feel from the bottom of my heart? Probably. I feel so much pain deeply etched into me, making all the faith and hope seep out by the seconds. How I wish it was pain that was seeping out instead.
But honestly, would I want you back? Probably not. I'm just so horribly kept within the whirl of memories that come and go as it pleases. What hurts me isn't anything else but the heart that clings on to the good times, the times I would do anything to relief. I though time would heal, I thought I could heal myself. But nope, what kinda healing potion did I think I had?
It's almost a year and it's so ridiculous how I'm feeling rn. I thought I did everything within my means to heal, to move on, to grow. But I guess it was just what I thought I did. The past few days have been so painful I thought I couldn't hang in there any longer. Every night in my sleep, and even every nap I took in the daytime, scenarios kept appearing. Nope you didn't appear (thank goodness), but scenarios that I yearn for so terribly keep appearing. I could blame myself forever if it was in the daytime, but what was I supposed to do if it's attacking me even in my semi-conscious state? Was I supposed to go w/o sleep forever?
I hate that you still mean so much to me when I probably don't even mean much to you any longer. I hate that I wasn't the one who moved on first. I hate that I still love so deeply. I hate that my heart and mind aren't even attempting to be in sync.
“I remember the first time you took me by the hand, you said it was meant to be.”
Without a doubt, if anyone were to ask if there's someone in my heart, it'll be a yes. That's probably because you never left. I thought you were gone awhile ago, but that was because I attempted to replace you with someone else. Everyone was encouraging me to find someone to help me heal. But how would it ever be fair for anyone else?
They said it would be easier if I didn't have any contact with you. That's why I haven't been contacting you in any way. But the pain keeps coming back, the walls keep crashing down. What am I supposed to do with all these feelings coming back again and again? You tweeted that day that “There's only do or don't. There's no such thing as try.” But boy you don't even know half of it.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just a huge punishment and that the purpose of punishing me hasn't been realized yet. I wonder how long would it take for me to heal completely or even maybe partially like 75% healing. Someone asked me that day, what part of you is over him already? Without a second of hesitation, I answered, 10%. Then what, is it gonna take me 10 years?
Am I over you?
Absolutely not.
Do I still think of you everyday?
Absolutely.
