Maybe being twenty means knowing to realize you will never be near perfection.

I wonder if it's enough to just know that. But dont we all know perfection is impossible? If so why do we spend our lives striving so hard, only to find out we're tiring ourselves for the impossible?

Maybe then it means to realize you will make the stupidest, sometimes the most fatal mistakes ever. But it's still gonna be okay. Because a mistake at twenty might not be a mistake at twenty-five.

I guess I'll only find out five years later then. If I do make a fatal error that is.

It's late, and my thoughts are running wild. I should sleep.

Happy Saturdays ☺️

The week was really too horrible for me to bear I just skipped biochem lecture and went home after Friday's tutorial. Really sucks to be sick so I just gave myself the meds and then slept. Ate and slept. Best way to get well :B 

Had OMC photoshoot yesterday ended so much earlier than expected because proggies werent involved in the video PHEWWWW. Finished up at Fort Canning at bout 1pm then went for lunch w part of the comm! :) 

Shopped arnd Plaza Sing w Minghui and Jiayi and went back home around 4pm, napped and then studied a little, and had dinner. Decided to head over to le bestie's. Wanted to read her FYP report but ended up being too lazy so just chilled around at the basketball court. Couldnt resist playing despite being sick and injured and in slippers, so balled around w the guys a little then headed for impromptu supper :) 

Supper was the happiness of the week, as usual. Sitting around drinking tehbing, laughing at horoscopes predictions and stuff, sharing about our week :) it never gets old. Went home after an hour or so at the coffeeshop. Had a long and nice HTHT with Darrel again hahaha this time about life and all, made me think so much about how things are really v ugly in the world out there, how this bunch is really gold and I should cherish them w everything I have :)) thanks guys, you people make me retain a little hope in humanity. 

things you hear.

today was a bad day. I mean okay, this week has been terrible. my first week of being 20, sucked like shit. honest.

I'm beginning to lose faith in people, in things and in mindsets. I don't like how the supposedly one of the most sacred things on earth is taken so likely nowadays, people take it for granted and people's mindsets towards it change so terribly.

shan't even begin to list the more disgusting things I heard today because I really just cannot accept mindsets. but I think my main purpose of blogging today cause I was left pondering for a while at this story. decided to blog it out because it will be some food for thought even in future.

wouldn't go into the details of who told me this story and who are the people involved but just an idea of it. so there are basically two people involved, a guy (let's call him John) and a girl (let's call her Mary).

so John and Mary are pretty close friends, similar hobbies and thus they had quite a lot of reasons to hang out and play squash (yeah their favourite sport). the more they hung out the closer they got, much much closer than they used to be. but well, at this age no one spares you from stirring, and they weren't spared either. so thanks to the stirring, they just got more reasons to be closer, because they honestly didn't give a shit about whatever people said, they had more love for their hobbies than caring about what others said about them. even if they were defamed.

but honestly that was just what they thought, that they could continue doing what they loved without letting anyone affect them. slowly, the words of others started getting to them. things were getting more and more out of hand and they decided that some things must be stopped. the people they love were getting kinda affected by the fact that things were changing due to their closeness. so as a result they had to sort things out, because it was affecting them that their loved ones were brought into the picture. and with just one talk, they completely stopped seeing each other. they placed the people they love over themselves, and let what could've been disappear just like that. their closeness faded, and they just stopped doing the things they liked together. basically they just let the whole possibility end.

which left me thinking, if such a thing were to happen to me, will I be able to take it? will I be able to give up a possibility for the people I love? how much must I love them to be able to do something like that for them? probably heaps. just praying hard such a situation wouldn't happen to me, cause from the storyteller it did really sound heck painful.

just some food for thought before I head to bed.

twenty

saturday morning, jumped out of bed.
put on my best suit.

I'm officially twenty? Yay? T.T LOL
the 2 at the front scares me really, so I'd rather type the word out.

probably the most blessed birthday in the past 20 years. really :')
had so many treats and surprises (and I still suck at reacting to surprises btw) from all the lovely people in my life, presents were really not needed. to quote Darrel: "I am the gift" - yes my lovely people are the greatest gifts ever :')

HM. okay I guess the first surprise I had was from my second family last week at the chalet. let's recap heh.

impromptu dinner with Chingz mid-week. was sheepishly asking Nat and Edmund "er guys sorry can I pangseh y'all for dinner" hahaha thankful for their understanding :') babe treated me to Starbucks although she didnt really want it, but 1f1, so I win ^^ great catch-up over dinner and drinks always grateful for this girl in my life <3

thursday is officially my favourite weekday?! I end classes before half of NTU wakes up I'd bet. headed off to town to meet Eileen thanks for saving your off day for me :) cineleisure was unexpectedly empty and we just went to pepperlunch for lunch and chilled over there, talking and stuff till 4+pm and bimbz Mel wanted to do mani/pedi so we walked to far east. and that babe treated me to mani and pedi too all I could say was "I'm proud of you, 你长大了" :') super duper thankful for our friendship really. 

went home on thursday because my family wanted to do an early celebration, brought them to To-gather cafe. my hipster folks were quite doubtful that a hdb cafe can have good food, but I guess I proved them wrong! SO MUCH FOOD OMG ate till I was so so full. thanks papa and mama for being so open about my choices and for giving me more than I ever asked for :) the lava cakes are too damn good to be true matcha omg <3 

friday morning back to hall because Rachel and Siowying were supposed to come to NTU to have lunch w me, ended up being surprised because they came earlier than expected and to my room with a cake :') nua-ed around in my room for 20mins or so before we headed to pitchstop for lunch my first time there even though it's my second semester and I'm supposed to feel ashamed of myself, according to my friends mehmeh. hardly ate, because I was so filled fr the cake. went to SPMS to chill after lunch before going for lecture and they left. thanks so much babes I really appreciate your efforts in lying to me and in coming all the way to NTU and having so much troubles finding my room hahaha so much love <3

the front-rowers surprised me too! after our one and only biochem lecture that day. really didnt expect much cause we were just waiting around for people to come back from the toilet and stuff and I was just facing my phone the whole while. thanks for planning this, meeting at can17 to write my card during lunch and not replying me when I asked if you guys are at koufu (this one seriously-.-) and rushing to buy me the cake from Coffee Bean after lecture! so thankful for all of you even though we have only been around each other for one semester (for me much less), will really cherish you guys much more! :))

surprise #2 was that Qianyun and Quanhao appeared with the front-rowers omg seriously last people I would ever expect to come all the way to NTU fr the east #aforeffort really :'') they presented me with a prata cake and I am gonna stay away fr prata for about 2-3 weeks HAHA. thanks so much bestie for all your effort in making my day okay I am really touched fr the bottom of my heart <3 apparently she jioed the whole gang but everyone was burdened by school/work/army hahaha.

spent the last few hours of Friday laughing at the nonsense that was going on in the gang whatsapp chat "Mel also having adultery actually" WHAT EVEN MAN GUISE. but it's okay, you guys made me laugh like mad so, forgiven. (I am not having adultery btw if anyone's really wondering) hahaha.

received a call fr Terrence at bout 1230am and we caught up over the phone for 45mins or so, thanks for remembering and for calling me to talk even though you had to wakeup early in the morning! much appreciated, really cant wait to see you soon!! :)

wokeup early on Sat morning (explains the first two lines of my post) and took a nice morning walk to Pasir Ris SRC for SEAG training. treated myself to frappe just because I wanted to. really happy that I'm getting a lot closer to my fellow SOICs with every training, and that we work pretty well with one another no matter what the pairings are like! had a very awkward Jan babies celebration I really do not handle such situations well omg. 

dearest DOTA took the chance to surprise me too because I was one of the only few in the morning session, and they were all afternoon session peeps. was seriously not expecting anything, and even when you guys told me y'all had something for me I really thought y'all were gonna embarrass me or something stupid LOL. thanks for the pretty rainbow cake which I apparently ate like a chipmunk but I'm happy lah so thanks guys :') 

went over to Weiquan's for pasta thanks for the lunch!! chatted a little then went home to crash because lack of sleep. and since I like sleep so much, when better than my birthday right. slept for bout 3 hours with soothing music playing, best feeling ever :) woke up and then went over to Qianyun's for dinner haha blessed much both lunch and dinner cooked by my friends ;) nua-ed around watching Kung Fu Panda before going to run with Sibin Weiquan and Chinwei at 9pm! 

then met the rest for supper at 945pm and we went over to the prata shop, I didnt eat prata by the way. 3 weeks starts. Junyi bought me a mini cake otw back fr work ahhh such a gem :') so I ate the cake for supper, and tehbing as usual. really v glad that everyone tried to make it back for supper on my big day, you guys are really worth loving <3  full of arrows shot in my direction, much more than usual but the love never diminishes. at least I had Darrel to "oi dont bully my mel" HAHA this aiqing thing is really too much, machiam love line only. after supper, went to the bball court to talk and played cards a little, then went home slightly early because 12am curfew doesnt go away HAHA reached home at 1159pm #queenofestimation 

sososo blessed :') even if it's the same routine week in week out!

some of them htht-ed till 130am (so envious how nice if I didnt have a curfew) and then Darrel and I decided that a htht-cum-thrashing session was needed so we really had a serious honest intense talk until everything was cleared up :)) and to the gang, I dk how many of you guys will ever read this but I am sorry that we caused all the confusion and worry in y'all the whole week but our love for you guys will never fade :) <3

it's been long since I had such serious talks but I'm really thankful for you in my life! :))

thanks to everyone who wished me through whatever means possible, I really appreciate everything :) being twenty means I must learn to be a better person. but I guess there's nothing really big I wish for, I just want to make sure I dont take anyone for granted and appreciate my loved ones a lot more! :)

love it when I run until I'm breathless, cause when I am gasping for air, I dont have to think of you.

Gang Chalet

Yup I think my title pretty much says it, blogging fr the ipad rn. So I shall just type out words w/o pics and then insert pics when I get back to hall w my comp :)

I think that there was really no better way to spend my last weekend of the short hols than how I did, no idea how the gang decided to have a chalet, but am so damn glad we did :)

So hm, chronologically as my OCD insists...

Fri 9Jan

Wasnt supposed to check in alone but sometimes gems can screw up as well, so I forgive them hahaha. Went to Simei to collect BBQ stuff and then went to check in at the chalet by my own. Zijie came soon after and we just nua-ed arnd until I decided it was impossible to wait for the rest to come before starting the fire - would probably have died of hunger by then.

Not my first time in the Changi Treehouse Villas but I never fail to get wowed by the beauty and serenity of the place :)

Single handedly started the fire, so damn proud of myself, had possibly the most chill BBQ ever idek how we can sit down and BBQ hahaha so much chill. The food was so good I couldnt stop myself fr eating while BBQing either. Left arnd 9pm to go home to shower, packed my clothes for the stay, picked Junyi and Darrel up and went back to the chalet to continue eating HAHAHA.

Ate till midnight or so, then started mahjong w Darrel Zijie and Junyi. While listening to music made when Terence played the guitar and bestf sang them feelsssss. By 2+am or so there was only the 4 mahjongers downstairs and the rest of them were upstairs playing cards, charades etc. Plus making A LOT OF NOISE. But it's all cool heh :)

Played till 5+am then we switched to Bridge and I think that it was basically adrenaline that kept us going. Laughed so much because we were bidding and playing so ridiculously and just got high fr laughing till our stomachs ached. Seriously who bids till 7 No Trump -.- didn't go to sleep till 7am and I just slept downstairs cause I didn't know who was upstairs and didn't wanna wake anyone up. 

Sat 10Jan 

Got up slightly before 10am cause most of the rest were chilling at the first level, playing guitar and singing and playing cards. Washed up and stuff before heading out to Changi V for brunch ^^ started making love lines at the hawker centre now that I think back on it it's like what even?!?!?! But yeah since there was only 3 girls it's so easy to establish 3 love lines and apparently mine stuck the longest tskkkk. Aiqing much LOL. 

Lazybums wanted to go back to the chalet to nua but me being indignant just bugged them like crazy “I WANT GO BEACHHHHHHHHH” until they finally conceeded heh :') spent some time climbing this thing (refer to picture idek what's that called) and on the swings. Then went to the seaside for awhile before going back to the chalet to cleanup and get ready for Sibin's surprise.

bringing self-stirring to another level (;

Showered and continued playing cards until Quanhao appeared w the cake and Qianyun brought the cake up and we just waited for the cue to head up. It was so awkward cause Sibin was just awkwardly questioning why were we going upstairs w her and all. And then it turned out that those gems had a surprise for me too LOL and it was so well planned because Sibin thought it was for me and I thought it was for her hahahaha. So sweet of all of them but I was genuinely surprised and didn't know how to respond nor what to say so like awkward turtle for awhile.

this was us, waiting for the surprise to be prepared HAHA.

with the other birthday girl (: really so so thankful for you in the gang <3

with my favouritest girl on this earth so much love for you I think I wont ever run out of love for you <3

the di with his two jies HAHA.

with Pris the other passe birthday girl!

DHS family :)

with my aiqing HAHA this photo turned out really nice tho :')

the one-arm length challenge that I lost terribly LOL.

YAY group photo!! <3

cake cutting! I think they were so freaking sweet to get us a cake each tho <3 

On a sidenote I really love my card like it's probably the funniest card that I've ever received?! Love my bestie for it <3 

Cut the cake and then started preparing for steamboat in the evening love how efficiently we worked together to get ready and before long we were already back to chilling around. The first level proved to be too cold for me and I headed up to snuggle in the blankets with Qianyun. Didn't intend to sleep but still ended up falling asleep anyway hahaha slept for an hour or so before going back to wait for the pther people to arrive for steamboat.

Started eating at bout 745pm and Mr Toh joined us for steamboat too! Ate and chatted and time passed so quickly like before I knew it it was already 10+pm. Cleared up after everyone was done eating and we served the cake and drank red wine courtesy of Mr Toh :)

Played card games, werewolf and resistance till nearly 4+am until my brain was the only one capable of arguing my way in the game. Then we just decided to sleep. This time I went up w Qianyun and Sibin to share the double bed w them since there wasn't enough space for all the guys. Had a mini interrogation session and then had a HTHT w the both of them, somehow it feels nice that there's only 3 girls and that we can talk about everything comfortably :') ended up talking till we fell asleep bout 6am :)

Sun 11Jan

Wokeup at about 10am and nuaed around, played more Resistance and it really trained my patience because nobody would trust me really -.- so hard to convince everyone to believe me tskkk. Played and ate cake for bout 2hrs before we went back down to finish up the steamboat food. Really liked the feel of eating together like that cause we really are like a family :')

After lunch we had to clean up the place, pack our stuff before we finally left at 4+/5pm. Really felt like I spent the weekend on an island away fr Singapore cause everything was just so different and the villa was greatttt and it left me the happiest girl ever :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR WORLD :B

I realized how late this post is ugh laziness getting into my bones and school's starting. NOT GOOD. hmm okay lah I realized I last blogged during Christmas. which is kinda sorta recent already. shall try to remember what I've been doing so far. thank goodness for my activeness in IG so I can track my stuff :B

SO. After christmas, my folks took a getaway to Genting w friends so I took the chance to stayover at everyone's place HAHA wts right I know.

26th Dec: after IHG I headed back to the east for driving, then met Siowying for dinner and caught Big Hero 6 for the second time (TOTALLY WORTH IT I SWEAR). hes so cute I cannot stop spazzing HAHA. then we decided to go for 1f1 Starbucks (;

sticking to my no cold drinks past 10 routine (:

headed back to her place, showered up and spent some time on my phone while she took forever in the shower -.- then we watched a movie, cant rmb the title but it was great :B and then RM225 cause that was like so mindblowing I wanted to rewatch it LOL. slept about 6am?! O:

27th Dec: still managed to wakeup at 10+am for teoheng w Alina!! :)

love these girls <3

so uhm, after teoheng I went back home to drop my stuff, then headed out with Junyi and Weiquan to shop for food to cook at Chinwei's!! initially I offered to cook because I wanted them to come over and I could nua comfortably at home. BUT burden Chinwei was sick so we just went over

still ended up cooking cause I didnt trust the guys w my food HAHA. whipped up pasta with mushrooms, hotdogs, tuna and both white and red sauces (: proud of myself LOL.

ta-da!

didnt help in the clean-up at all because I seriously hate washing? LOL. I just "okay guys, so y'all know in this kinda situations, there's always the cooking team and the cleaning team right. yup. so have fun." and went to nua at the sofa with my phone hahaha my most comfy self around them.

went back to revisit our childhood by playing monopoly it was so fun forming a million alliances against each other, lovelovelove them so much <3 

bestie's idea, so cute I cannot :B

stayed over and mahjong-ed till bout 5? had a nice talk w the guys as well :B really dont have to worry being the only girl staying over because I know they'd take care of me, super blessed to have these gem-like guys around me (:

28th Dec: wokeup around 1120? because they didnt succeed in waking me up from 10am HAHA shit I'm such a burden at times T.T went home, nua-ed around, cooked my lunch then went out to meet Alvin to attend Weiting's final concert in SG before she flies!!

really glad for a friend like you in hall (:

and then we didnt take a photo with the performer -well done us-

rushed off after the concert to the west again, for Christmas party with my front-rowers :B

drinking games, whats new HAHA I was sober throughout thankfully (;

I think this depicts our friendship perfectly. being stupid all the time HAHA gift exchange time!! :)

AND we had a freaking good sashimi cake with courtesy of Jerome!

hung around at Ryan's till bout 330am then we took a walk back to hall, crashed almost immediately and miraculously managed to wakeup at 10+am the next day w/o an alarm clock HAHA.

29th Dec: rushed home to get my driving booklet then came out to meet Xinyi for a catchup (: with my fav ever BKT :B and thankful that this UK bound girl craves for hawker food so much hehhh. 

went for driving again after that, and after which didnt feel like I was capable of anything else other than sleeping, the lack of sleep plus alcohol was really getting to me. so I gave training a miss, and thought I was better off resting, rather than training and dying during the crucial game the next day.

30th Dec: possibly the most painful day ever since I entered uni? yeah.

shant go on about the details, but I just wanna say that I am nonetheless proud of my team who fought so hard despite the situations. so thankful that they trust me when I tell them to, that they stood by me when times got so hard and painful. 

never imagined that losing a game could be so painful. I've lost games before, I've hurt before, but nothing as painful as that day. so painful that when Favian called me when I boarded the train at pioneer I began crying and I didnt stop crying until I alighted at tampines I wonder what everyone was thinking of me. 

hurt so bad that I resolved to come back so much stronger with my team this year. this team that I built up from nothing at all, I will make sure we break the boundaries this year. and this year, I will make sure that I am more befitting of the captain status that I am holding. 

painful as it might be, this spirit keeps me going (:

was hurting so badly and almost didnt go for dhsbball chalet, but then I thought better and decided that I should go, it's been so long since I didnt see this family of mine. no regrets at all (: everyone was so pleasant and seeing those kids make me feel so old?! but I had so much laughter I felt so much better (:

thank you guys, y'all really made a positive impact on my day even tho y'all didnt know (:

headed home at 10+pm, but didnt have an early night because I began my rant again, this time to Darrel. hahaha thanks for listening and letting me a brat all the way I figured you'd understand my pain the most. 

31st Dec: honestly it didnt even feel like NYE because time was just zoooooooooooming by so quickly tsk. 

met Sab finally, ever since she was back fr the UK. together w Cass and Chingz that I havent seen in ages!! lunched at Sakae Sushi and then went to chill at Coffee&Toast, had a super nice convo and catchup with everyone's lives. gave Sab a mini belated surprise too :B 

headed off for driving after that, then went home and nua. and pack the living room a little because my second fam was due at my place for countdown :D

they came about 8+/9pm or so and we spent the last few hours playing cards, being noisy and being ourselves :)

and it was about 1145pm after Chinwei left (to run for his last bus) that we decided to have instant noodles for supper. shooed them outta the kitchen cause I wanted to be done quickly. ended up cooking the noodles, then threw in the eggs, off-ed the fire and ran out to countdown before serving the food HAHA. saw some mini fireworks fr my corridor (perks of living on the highest floor?), ate the instant noodles and crazed over Big Bang *.*

greatest friendship of all (:

so after Big Bang's performance at 130am they left. OMG I CANNOT STOP CRAZING OVER GOOD BOY LAH shitzzz Taeyang too much swag. -okay stop-
cleaned up by myself because I didnt want them to be home beyond 2am. nua-ed around a little more, waiting for the folks to be home. hugged them Happy New Year and went to bed.

1st Jan: wokeup at freaking NINE AM (omg this is crazy) to ball with the guys. then went home to nua the whole day, feeling like my hols finally began. cooked dinner for papa and mama #daughterduties and then just chilled the night away.

2nd Jan: wokeup at noon, aunt came over so we baked a little stuff and then when she left at 4pm I was so bored I was rolling around on the floor at home. but despite that I still didnt wanna go for the combined dinner between Simpsons and Chipmunks because I dont wanna spend so much money );

ended up heading over Sibin's place to play digimon rumble arena when I cant even play video games for nuts. ended up just laughing at the lil boy her mum takes care of, kids are such joys seriously :)

went home at 7pm for dinner then came out again to play ball w Darrel at 8pm. okay no correction we had training, like hardcore shooting trainings until my arms were so sore. but it felt good because when you just keep making baskets you just wanna keep going :) thanks for being so patient, albeit strict, w me even tho my form was fluctuating!

decided to call it a day at about 1030pm after I kinda pulled my shoulder muscle but thankful that it was a slight pull only, recovered after a day :) and then I nearly fell into a drain while walking home really too damn shagged fr all that running and stuff so he walked me home, thankful :)

3rd Jan: didnt exercise the whole of the day, spent my day surfing the net, playing the piano, watching shows, sleeping. what's new LOL. went to Qianyun's place at bout 8pm to help her with her Aussie unis research. finally getting down to do proper stuff :)

then met the rest for supper at ~930pm finally saw Marcus after a long long long time his humour is the same and he is still as annoying, felt so comfortable even after a long hiatus of not seeing him :)

after supper Terence brought his guitar down and we were singing while he played omg them feels why am I so so so blessed??? made me resolve to learn the guitar well too so we can all sing-along in future (:

folks were on a staycation so I had the whole king sized bed to myself, had a good stretch and comfy sleep till nearly noon the next day :)

4th Jan: chilled w the folks, read a book and then went to ball at 5pm, thank goodness my shoulder was healed already :) balled till 7pm then went home to shower, then headed for dinner w the folks and went to Weiting's for stayover :)

no photos fr the stayover but the main purpose of the stayover was because burden Alvin's flight was so early the next morning I was worried I couldnt wakeup in time LOL.

5th Jan: woke up crazily early but I shall not complain anymore. so yep, sent Alvin off after macs breakfast hahaha I bet he ran into the gate. then took the train back to hall with the seniors!

went to support guys bball SO HAPPY THAT THEY GOT INTO QUARTERS :)) albeit really a little bit sour and envious uh. but it's fine I'm still happy :)

then went for llaollao with part of the team, must remind myself not to splurge ah, esp since it's just right outside my faculty? discipline self.

went back to hall, played a round of mahjong w the seniors then went back home :)

6th Jan: wokeup at noon, FINALLY HAD MY WEEKLY DOSE OF RM I love Tuesdays I swear. went out w mama for lunch, and shopping. ended up buying 6 dresses cause there was a massive sale? 6 dresses for $80 theres no resisting this price LOL. went home and took a long long nap, then went for dinner w the folks and back to hall.

7th Jan: ISG. shall just say it was really a friendly scene and because noone trains the only people who really shines are the IVPs? but it's fine ah. I think as long as it's fun, and I get my stamina training I'm quite good.

Team SPMS Basketball Girls (:

aight I'm running crazily late for Sab's 21st hopefully I have time to blog about it tonight. so excited for the next few days chalet w the second fam and possibly heading back to DHS tmr :)))