winter's half gone and I haven't been doing much other than planning for my 21st. 
which was what I intended to dedicate this hols to, so it's fine.

but I started thinking bout how scary that I'm turning 21 and honestly talking with the helea people recently made me think ahead into the future. 21 isnt old but it isn't exactly young either. 

I'd be graduating in bout 2.5 years and that what even??? going into the workforce. wow.

it's funny how when we were young we thought 21 meant being an adult i.e. having your shit together and I'm turning 21 and I can't even decide on what modules I'm gonna be taking._.

uni's a wonder, it's puzzling how I can feel so so so lousy bout myself once I'm there, NUS kids got their results today and I'm really dreading checking mine?? it's like I feel like I have my shit together but then it doesn't always turn out that way, then again I can't say that I'm not made for studying cause I'd be wasting my parents' money, or my money actually.

started to do some simple sums with my aunt 2 weeks back, and came to the realization that I'd be in a $50k debt the moment I graduate (what even???????) but yeah, which I aim to repay in hopefully 5 years. HOPEFULLY. sometimes Singapore's so competitive I wonder if I can survive in the private sector, heading off overseas sounds so so tempting. if I'm cut out for that. 

on a lighter note, met up with helea peeps the past few days, makes me feel reaaaally thankful that they're still in my life. apart from being close to the pri sch gang, the next longest group of friends would be the helea peeps. met up with siowying and rachel and nua-ed around sy's house the whole day, just wanted to spend some time together cuz rach's gonna be flying off for exchange next week! with them it feels really comfy, don't have to find a random topic to talk about, silence is fine :') then met up with weiting ruizheng and mingquan, it's been a long time since the 4 of us met and it feels like nothing's changed, that feeling is the best thing ever :') truly blessed.

have been meeting other dhs friends as well, and although I've said this so many times, I think being in dhs is really one of the greatest blessings in my life, meeting so many genuine people and people who would make the effort to care for me and keep me in their lives. genuine people who don't make me feel like I'm a thorn and won't bat an eyelid when I request for help. 

attending Ms Sel's wedding in the midst of finals #yolo

fangirl moments ;) he's so so so so so friendly I cannot even.

and one more dhs person I'm thankful for is Eugenia, thank you for telling me that you're my dhs senior when we met through seag, and keeping this friendship till now, being the one in the entire seag circle that I can talk to about anything at all, I love how I'm pretty #nofilter around you and I don't know why you're so sweet but I'd gladly accept it :)

met up with F today, thankful that we managed to squeeze in a meal slot cause we're so horribly busy this hols, him so much more cause of his heavy committee load. at least mine's not stacking up so much this hols. but I'd probably suffer more during summer. Headed to the airport for a meal, been long since I went to the airport for fun LOL. 

also I think I overdid it with his iphone camera LOL

and on another lighter note, VIETNAM IN 3 DAYS WOOHOO. 
can still remember us counting down from 100 days LOL. 
oh but I haven't started packing #wheregottime 

post exams has been very very disheartening.

got myself more tangled up with emotional issues and responsibilities. 

honestly now I really hate being around my phone because phone = responsibilities

some problems from the past re-surfaced. led me to expose the weakest side of myself. 

really hope this will tide over soon. feeling so vulnerable, so bare.

further messed things up, pushed people away, threw chances out of the window.

I just want to have some time, to myself. to be myself. 

I had enough of people telling me what to do. I'm so done with this.


sometimes I wonder, what if I hadn't made that decision one year ago?
how would things be right now? 
would I be this upset at so many things now? 
it's a domino effect. I know it. 

maybe it's just me believing too much in horoscopes,
but I think Capricorns have this nature of upsetting themselves so so often.
every single day I key in those digits, only to remind myself of the pain.
or am I reminding myself never to make such a mistake again? 

原来你是我最想留住的幸运，原来我们和爱情曾经靠的那么近；
与你相遇好幸运，可我已失去为你泪流满面的权利。

부디 후회 없는 채로 두 눈 감을 수 있길.

痛。

很痛。

非常
非常
痛。


可是我够坚强。