The Medical Life

There are days when I question why on earth my younger self chose medicine.

Like when I am forcing myself to sleep on a bright sunny day because I have to stay awake all night.
Or when my freaking dect phone rings incessantly with urgent clinical reviews.
Or when my boss request bloods but that doesn't get done because the patient isn't in bed and I get told off for it.
Or when my boss wants patients discharged but that doesn't happen because the patient refuses to be let go.
Or when my boss is rude to patients and I have to pick up the crap after he's left.
Or when I'm having period pains and cannot sit down.
Or when I have to work 14 hours in a row without sitting down.
Or when patients think I don't care about them when I try to discharge them before they're 100%.
Or when nurses page you incessantly to cover their arses even for minor issues.
Or when nurses get you to do what they can do because 'you're the doctor'.
Or when the patient you're speaking to decides to tell you about his grandkids when you just want to find out if he is in pain and get on with life.
Or that time when you have to put in a cannula and there is no freaking vein.
Or when the pager goes off (three times) 5 mins before your shift ends.
Or when toilet breaks are the actual only breaks I take.
Or when a nurse is concerned about a patients reduced urine output and am reminded that I have not peed since I started 10 hours ago.
Or when I have to stay back for work and miss out on dinner plans.
Or when I come home and think about patients and how they're coping.
Or when I have to miss church.

And there are days where I'm glad I chose medicine and can't imagine doing anything else.

Like when a patient thanks me for a job well done.
Or when I make a correct diagnosis just by doing a physical exam.
Or when I get called in to be a surgical assistant.
Or when I get to be part of interesting case discussions.
Or when a nurse slips chocolate into my pocket. Actually, whenever nurses are nice.
Or when my registrar makes sure I have lunch and go home on time.
Or when I have something to work towards- paediatrics.
Or receiving the perks that come with being a health professional- easy house rental, loans, salary packaging.
Or when i get paid.
Or when I actually enjoy real, mind-stimulating medicine (and not the crappy administrative work).
Or the chance to hang out with the amazing people I've met through medicine.
Or the opportunity to pray for and with people.
Or when I have reason to visit a different church to see people I don't often see.
Or when I befriend the barista at the cafe and he decides to give me a free coffee every now and then.
Or when I love my patients so much I smile just thinking about them - only possible by God's grace, no kidding.
Or when the pharmacist sneaks me chocolate when I'm not looking.
Or when I can look back at a difficult day and be so sure that I wouldn't have got through it without God's hand at work through mine. So precious.

Clearly my 'thankful' list is much shorter than the other. I know I should have so much more to be thankful for, especially for this job that I've wanted so badly. But I've just came off a 6.30am-8.30am non-stop shift that did not end well so I'm just sick of it all. Glad I didn't choose surgery (I love the nature of the job, but hate that it's high-demanding). Maybe I'm acopic. Maybe it's just been a bad day, but sometimes I wish I were NOT a doctor- not that other jobs aren't stressful or demanding (I'm sure they are), but it's nice to get to know the world outside the hospital every so often.

**the list will keep growing**

why i don't kayak

Yesterday I went kayaking at Lake Macquarie. I don't know why I did it, I have never enjoyed it.

So we pulled up at Tea Gardens at 8.30am (why did I wake up early do this? I couldn't answer). Got a map of the river.. and off we went.

We were the only boat with us 2 girls in it. 5 mins of rowing and I had enough. The boys, who had the map, kept going though. So it looked like we had no other options.

It was a lovely day for kayaking, I must say. Not too sunny, and it didn't rain either!

First 2 hours, we spent heaps of time catching up with life in now different states of Australia. Working with different people in very different environments. Talked about friends who we used to see so often.

And then realised we couldn't see the boys' orange kayak that was ahead of us. Panic-striken and adrenaline-stimulated, we started paddling hard and fast. Left right left right in synchrony.

A bifurcation came up. Which way do we go? Left or right? The tides were coming in against us- if we paddle, we're not moving; if we don't, we move backwards. AHHHH! I was so ready to give up. For the next 2 hours, we paddled against the wind and the waves.

It. Was. So. Difficult.

My forearm, chest, abs were aching. My legs were getting sunburnt. I was ready to throw in the paddles, flag a speedboat down and get them to rescue us from this impossible situation- I just want some food and rest please!

But we didn't. Mind over matter. We convinced ourselves that our destination is just around the corner.

5 hours later, it was. The shore came into sight. As we pulled up on to the river bank, I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that it was all over. My arms were aching so bad. It was fatigued just having to pick up a towel to dry myself off. Ahh.. what a wonderful way to start my 5 days off.

Life experiences, eh.

Denial

OMG, I'm such a fraud.

That's the first thing I thought of when I received my name tag bearing my name with a 'Dr.' right before it. My stomach still does small double flips when I open my mail box expecting an email from the university telling me that they made a mistake with my results- I need to go back to medical school. (I wouldn't be surprised)

I was wrong to think that. I should acknowledge that it was not by my strength or abilities that I've come this far. It was God's enabling that I am now a doctor (this has still not sunk in yet)(and it sounds weird saying it).

And that 'doctor' isn't my new identity (though it does get increasingly difficult to be reminded of that). And that 'doctor' is not synonymous with 'God'- I can't be sure a patient will get better, or know when he will die, or if a particular medication will definitely work.

Every failure teaches me to lean harder on You. Every struggle reveals Your strength. Every minute of loneliness reminds me of Your holy presence. 

Proudly Gentile

An old Jewish pastor and his wife stayed at my place for 3 nights. What I didn't expect were conversations about who the Jews are + their significance from a biblical perspective. For a Jew to humbly admit that someone from his own race came to earth to suffer and die not just for themselves, but for every nation is quite something. 

 A few verses from the book of Romans struck me as I was reading: 

Romans 1:16
I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 

I guess some Jews might think it unfair- why did God have to choose someone from among them to suffer? While others would lament that God plays favouritism by choosing the Jewish nation as his special people.

Romans 11

 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you.  

You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in." Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. 

For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either. 

Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness.

For the sake of readers who aren't quite clear what those passages mean, I'll attempt to explain (for my future references too, when I'm old and forgetful). So, the olive tree/shoot represents the nation of Israel, or the Jewish people. The branches grafted represent the Gentiles. Paul was a missionary to (mainly) Gentiles. He wrote this letter to the Roman church, which is made up of both Jews and Gentiles. Now, read the passage again. 

It is clear to me that it is a massive privilege for me, a Gentile, to be considered a child of God purely by FAITH. It didn't matter that I was born Chinese and Malaysian (a nation who has a 'thing' against Jews, by the way). I can have a relationship with that Big Guy up there simply because 2000 years ago, God decided to become a mere mortal- a Jewish man- to be humiliated by Jews AND Gentiles whom He loved, all so that He could restore our relationship with Him. 

Oh how great is our God?! 

Merry Christmas :) 

Life's Certainty

"How do you tell if a person's dead?"

We were in one of the rooms on ward rounds, with a dead patient on the bed when that question was posed by Dr K. It lingered in the air as I searched my brain to think of medical ways to certify death. It wasn't enough to say that it's when you see only the casing of what a person was. One's dead when you fail to recognise who they are, even though they're right in front of you.. lifeless. Because they're not actually there.

"Feel his arm"

Cold. Stiff. Rigor mortis at is finest.

"Look into his eyes"

I gingerly lifted his eyelid. The resident used his phone to shine light into it. Unreactive pupils.

"Feel for his pulse"

I did. Nothing.

"Listen to his chest"

Silent.

"Well, let's get the death certificate ready"

I never knew that the man who allowed me to palpate his doughy abdomen yesterday and chuckled at my cold fingers would lie so still today.

I never knew that a our patient who appeared to improve clinically would die overnight.

I would've never guessed that a healthy 2 month old baby will never get to see the world because of a car accident.

Who knows who'll be next?

for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. (1 Thessalonians 5:2)

 

Buzy again :/

WAVE is over, jumping straight into Emergency Medicine.

First day and I already had to skip lunch. :( Dropped by Broadmeadow IGA to get myself a whole roast chicken for only $6.

WAVE was so good, I wished I have time to chat about it, but right now I'm up to my tippy top, having to look up some medicine related stuff before buzzing off to the hub for a misho info night.

Bye bye, free time.

Third Time (un)Lucky

Upon descent of the plane, the cabin lights were turned off, as per usual protocol. I sat in the dark, my brother on my right and my dad on my left, looking out the window at the Malaysia skyline (actually Sepang skyline). 

It was a rare moment. Quiet. My dad and brother weren’t bickering over which share prices are plummeting/rising, how to solve world poverty, whether bicyclists are to be categorised as pedestrians or vehicles, why our education system is an utter failure, who should drive the Honda tomorrow, what is on an Autopass Authorization form.. and other like issues. I couldn’t help feeling like I was in the safest place on earth- which is a funny way of putting it, considering I wasn't exactly on earth. 

And ironically too because just 10 hours before boarding this flight, a plane (of the same airlines I'm trusting my life with) lost a plane travelling a similar route I was on. The 3rd plane my country has lost this year. 

A possible theory to add to the many thousands: there's someone out there trying hard to make sure we don't forget MH370 as people usually do with all news that turns old and boring when no progress is made. If that is true, Malaysian planes are gonna go missing at increasing frequencies. Lost planes will become as common as car accidents and, eventually, planes as rare as diamonds. 

A Lost-a-Family-Member- or-Friend-On-A-Plane group (hopefully they'll come up with a shorter, cooler name) is probably under way to help people cope. Or perhaps one already does exist.