Advent Means Waiting

And you know how good I am at that....NOT!

The Advent season starts four Sundays before Christmas, so it's usually the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend. It's the season of waiting and preparation for Christmas, the birth of Jesus. It's a time of reflection, and I think most people do some of that during this time of year, Christian or not. The cold, dark, long days that appear to be dragging on and on as we move toward the shortest day of the year at Winter Solstice. We tend to hibernate, resting perhaps, or creating busy-ness to distract us from the cold and dark.

This year is different, somehow. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm *not* frantically running around trying to finish up craft projects or driving myself crazy trying to shop for the *perfect* gifts. I've simplified what I'm doing, for the most part, and I know what I want to find for most people on my list.

But I don't know....the spirit of the season somehow escapes me. I started to feel it a bit today during church. The sermon today came from Luke, chapter 3, the story of John the Baptist. John's sermon starts with "You nest of vipers!" That's quite an opening, isn't it?! It goes on to tell us how to prepare the road for the coming of Christ. And here's the point......There are basically 3 steps we need to take, and they're true today too. The first is to share with those in need. The second is to be honest. The third is to be content with what you have. I think those three steps are almost a road map to happiness today.

I'm rambling.....but I feel the need to write. Thoughts and ideas swim around in my head, and they're brilliant! Until I sit down to write, and they flit away on the fog. *sigh*

The Day My Heart Shattered Into a Million Pieces

November 30, 2008. The day I took Tristan to Urgent Care, expecting IV fluids for his nasty stomach virus, and they told me it was diabetes and an ambulance had been called to transfer him to the hospital.

A year ago today, I was rising after a fitful night of sleep, getting the girls ready for school, and then fighting rush hour traffic to get to the hospital on the other side of town.

A year ago, I thought our lives would never be normal again.

A year ago, I was scared senseless that I would lose my first born, my baby boy.

A year ago, I cried and cried and cried. I was amazed I had any tears left.

A year and a week ago, I fainted at the sight of needles.

A year ago, I learned to give my son shots.

And I cried through the whole process.

One year later, the boy is healthy and happy. Well, as happy as any 8th grade boy will admit to being. He's playing in the Jazz Band at school (sax), plus symphonic band (clarinet). He's a Life Scout (one away from Eagle). He went to church camp and scout camp over the summer, then diabetes camp.

He belches at the dinner table. He refuses to clean his room. He picks on his sisters, but heaven help the outsider who does the same!

In short, we've found a new normal.

There have been tremendous blessings over the last year. People far and wide praying for us and loving us and letting me know, over and over, that I was NOT alone. Our church family has been wonderful, willing to learn what they need to know to keep our children safe. Our neighbors have done the same. The support has been overwhelming. I'm in awe of the people who care for us.

And yet, there are still a few pieces of my heart that I haven't been able to put back together.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Hello one and all! I'm back, with a very important message.....

Christmas is only 53 days away! ACK!

Okay, now breathe. And again. LOL!

So, over at Organized Christmas, they've started the countdown, so we're about a week late jumping in. That's perfectly okay though, as long as we jump in!

The first step is to get yourself organized. Make a planner. Find a notebook and keep it with you cuz you know you'll be thinking of all kinds of things to do, make, create, or buy. Heck, use an envelope or two!

Here are a few links to get you started....

Christmas Countdown at Organized Christmas. We're already on day 9, but there are lots of things you can do in one sitting that will make things go more smoothly--calendar, budget, starting your card and gift lists, etc.

Lots of ideas for Christmas Planners. I particularly like this one. Some of these planners are rather complex, while others are simple and fun. Some use all kinds of stamps and scrapbooking supplies, and others take a simple composition book and decorate it up with paper. Yours doesn't have to be fancy. Function is FAR more important!

A list of things to include in your planner/notebook.

Microsoft has a number of calendars available for download on their website. They're usually for Excel or Word, so you can choose whatever format works best for you. I find that I don't use the calendars much for scheduling life, but more for scheduling Christmas planning/crafting/buying/mailing.

So, let's get started, shall we?

Christmas Gift ideas from Creative Memories

These gifties are SO easy and so much fun! I'm doing classes on most of these locally, if you're interested. If you're not local, well, take these ideas and run with them!

Personalized Clocks. This one is a cinch! I used Creative Memories' StoryBook Creator Plus software to make the clock face. It's about 7" in diameter. Then I printed it on an 8x8 page from Costco ($1.49). The clock came from Walmart and it was less than $5.00. These would be great for the people on your list who have everything. Who wouldn't love a clock with your darling children on it?

Decorative Tiles. These are so fun and easy! I made the 3" decorative squares in StoryBook Creator Plus, putting 24 on a 12"x18" page for $2.99 at Costco. Then I used Mod Podge to adhere them to the tiles (purchased at the home improvement store for $.38 each). I used several coats of Mod Podge, and then I backed them with felt. They've got funny sayings ("God made us best friends because he knew our mother couldn't handle us as sisters." and "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend!"), Bible verses, inspiring quotes and more. These would make great neighbor gifts or teacher appreciation, grandparents, and more! You could spell out words, create Christmas sayings, even add your own photos. These are AWESOME!

(ETA: Forgot to say....I used spray glitter on some of them, from the craft store, not the Halloween section, and then I gave them a couple of coats of basic clear spray paint. For trivets or coasters, you'll want to find a heavier polyurethane coating to go on them).

In a fog

Or a funk, or something.

Right now, life is simply overwhelming. And when I say that, I'm not talking about being so busy with the kids that I can't find time to use the restroom. I'm saying that getting out of bed in the morning is almost more effort than I can expend. And, honestly, if I had the option of letting the kids fend for themselves, I wouldn't bother.

Yesterday was a victory in small ways.....I went to the store after dropping the kids at school. We needed something for dinner. So, I went to the one store that had chicken on sale and I bought a bunch. Then I bagged it up to freeze in our new chest freezer. We wound up not eating it for dinner though, because Bruce came home and we ran some errands together (the dog was completely out of food and the thought of wading through Costco and hefting the 40 lb bag, well, yeah, see paragraph 1). We wound up eating roast chicken and french fries.

I got the girls organized enough that they ran a load of jeans for the family. Seriously, they sorted out the ones in their own hampers and put them in the washer. I found mine and Bruce's (I don't do Tristan's laundry anymore), and tossed them in. I started the washer, but Shannon put them in the dryer.

Funny aside: I told Shannon to put the jeans in the dryer. She did. And that's it. No dryer sheet, and she didn't turn the dryer on. She did *exactly* as I asked. I caught on pretty quick when I didn't hear the machine, but still. Why would I want her to put them in the machine and leave them there all wet?!

I also made a loaf of GF bread in the bread machine. This is a bit more work than your average bread. You have to thoroughly combine the 10 dry ingredients and do the same for the 6-8 wet ingredients, rather than just throwing it all in the pan and turning the machine on. But it's worth it when Shannon makes herself a PBJ for lunch.

And I moved most of the Croptoberfest debris back to it's home. There are a few lingering details, but the house is almost back to normal. Much of htis was accomplished while on the phone with a friend. If I'm on the phone, I can't be on this machine ignoring the world. I have to putter a bit, and it helps if I have 'company.'

After school, the girls wanted to know when I was going to do the Halloween decorating. And, as per paragraph 1, this is not something I really give a darn about. But the fall bin was out since I dug through it for stuff to use for Croptoberfest, so I told them to knock themselves out. It looks pretty cute. Not what I would've done, but fun nonetheless and the girls had a blast!

Today I'm having lunch with a friend. But I'm not sure I have the energy for make up. Except, see, I like to hide my struggles and make up sure helps that. I 'do' depression by presenting the "I'm just fine" facade to the world. Only those truly close to me can see past it. Those who read a Facebook status update of "I'm struggling to care," and really get it. But even that is a bit misleading....I'm always amazed at the people who truly do understand it. The helping hands that reach out when I'm trying to pretend I don't need them. Lifelines. Love. Understanding. Acceptance.

Bruce doesn't "get" it, but he loves me and he's loving me through this. And, I'm getting better at expressing myself. Trusting that he can handle it. I was apologizing for my lack of effort, explaining just how challenging things seem right now, and he said "You'll snap out of it" That sounds a bit flippant, but it's his way of expressing confidence in me. I will walk through this to the other side, despite wanting to sleep through it instead. And, he's accepting that this is where I'm at right now. I wish I could be that accepting of myself.

I'm asking for the help that I need......I need help coming up with what to fix for dinner. I don't really care, and that makes it hard to do that particular chore. Add in the gluten issue and the picky-eater issues....Tristan doesn't like fish or red sauce. And we can't just throw together some pasta (GF past takes FOREVER to cook and is expensive!). Not to mention I don't wanna make dinner. By the evenings, my apathy has reached a peak. I don't care. I want to go to bed. The kids came up with a few ideas, and Bruce is working on it too. I will go to the store, but I need someone else to make the effort of telling me what to buy.

And all of that makes me feel like a total failure. My kids have to do my job. That's wrong. And I don't care.......or maybe I do, but not quite enough to overcome the apathy.

Tales from the Outlaw visit

1. We made homemade salsa and I made a tandoori sauce for the chicken we were having. This brought up a conversation about double-dipping (taking a bite out of a chip then dipping it back into the salsa/dip). Apparently, until the TV show "The Doctors" did an episode on the subject, MIL wasn't sure that she really shouldn't double-dip. She needed a TV show to tell her that it was gross.

Within minutes, she asked, while nibbling at a chip, if she could try the tandoori sauce as a dip. I said "Sure"....she reaches for the dip "but let me get you a fresh chip." *nervous giggle*

YUCK!

2. They came down for a "visit" to pick our grapes so FIL could take them home to make wine that no one likes, but whatever. They arrived Friday at 2 pm and left Saturday before noon (it's a 3 hour drive home). On the one hand, short visits work great for me. On the other, I feel a bit used. They haven't come to see us in over 2 years, and this is what they can manage? Bruce had Friday off, so they could've come Thursday afternoon/evening and had more time with all of us.

The other problem with this visit is that now it's "our turn." Again. And Thanksgiving is right around the freaking corner. UGH!

3. MIL complained quite bitterly about how "no one has time to sit and visit any more. Everyone is so busy. They just have to GO and DO things."

First, what could I possibly have to visit with you about? The reality is that I just don't like you. You don't like me. Pretending otherwise for hours while we "visit" is painful and a waste of my life.

Second, if you want to visit, how about sticking around long enough for it to happen?

Third, do you even vaguely remember what it was like to have kids at home? Granted, her kids were not in many activities, so I think that's where some of this complaining comes in, but she had *8* kids. Surely she remembers what it was like to be busy with them.

4. Tristan went straight from school on Friday to his music lesson and then to a Scout campout. The Outlaws went with Bruce to take Tristan to these things so that they could see him. And whined about how far it is to the music lesson (it's about a 20 minute drive if traffic isn't bad). We don't mind it one bit, ya old biddy. This, of course, led to a discussion about how life in Idaho is so much better than life here in Salt Lake. Dream on lady!

5. I had a yard sale on Saturday morning. This had been planned (just like the Scout trip) for weeks before they decided to come and get the grapes. Considering their history of cancelling visits at the last minute, I wasn't rearranging my life over this. Having a yard sale with Depression-era people around is amusing, to say the least!

A. We were selling a treadmill. Someone called about it the night before and I quoted him a price of $20. FIL about had an apoplectic fit over that. See, new they're at least $500 (this one probably was closer to $800 new, 5+ years ago). But I really didn't care. I wanted it out of my house. The next day, we discovered that the small bumple on the belt had grown to a full-blown tear (fixable with duct tape, I suppose). A new belt is $100, so I really couldn't justify selling it for more than that. We sold it for the $20 to a lovely family and I'm sure they'll enjoy it far more than I!

B. I was selling a number of articles of clothing, sweaters I no longer wear, sweatshirts that aren't my style anymore, stuff I bought on clearance and just didn't ever wear it....you know the drill. MIL kept pulling things off that table "This is a pretty sweater. You should keep it." Yes, it's pretty, but *I* don't wear it.

I was also selling sweatshirts with our college logo on it. Since we went to University of Idaho, several of them simply say Idaho in the school colors. MIL said, probably 4 times, that we might go back to Idaho and therefore should keep the sweatshirts. (Because we need to look at our shirts to know where we are? Or we're not allowed into the state unless we have the appropriate label? Never did figure out that reasoning).

This sort of conversation went on and on and on.....This is brand new, why are you selling it? This is handy, you might need it someday. These are fun things, you should keep them......I must have said "I don't use them" 20 times that morning.

And this is the woman who wants me to come and help her have a garage sale? When I told her that the rule was that what goes out does not, under any circumstances, come back in, she quickly said we should start with FIL's stuff! ROFL!

C. Bruce sold two different lawn mowers, both needing some minor work, to a group of men who, I think, either had or were starting their own business. They were driving a tiny 4-door car that already had a bike and another mower hanging out of the trunk. When we realized that they only lived about 5 miles away, Bruce offered to deliver the mowers for them. He got the trailer, loaded 'em up, and off he went. They offered gas money and paid Bruce $10 for his trouble.

All of this was taking place at about the time the Outlaws had decided it was time to leave. They had to be talked into waiting until Bruce returned before taking off!

6. MIL kept trying to buy stuff from the sale. I kept tellilng her that she didn't need it and when she dies in 5-30 years, I'd just have to try to sell it to someone else. The 5 years part ticked her off! But, really, she's 82 years old!

7. That started a conversation about how she wants to live to be 105. Just because. *groan*

8. A puzzling moment that we haven't quite figured out yet. MIL asked Bruce if he blamed them for something.....not sure what though. See, apparently BIL said something to MIL about blaming his parents for something. I can see BIL telling MIL he "blamed her" for something in a funny, joking manner, like I tell my dad it's his fault that I can't flush a live goldfish (dad taught me an overwhelming respect for life.....eating it is fine, wasting it is not). I can also see BIL telling MIL he blames her for other things, like the choices he made as a teen/young adult. Or I can see MIL taking something he said that was totally unrelated and turning it on herself. We're curious, but nailing MIL down about these things is dang-near impossible. She rambles and doesn't make much sense and then gets mad when you ask for more info or clarification. I don't envy Bruce that conversation (he may not even have it)!

So, there ya have it. I did walk away several times when the conversation turned to Neice who's recently announced she's getting married in Ocotober 2010. The problem comes, not with the engagement, but with all the "we'll see if she actualy goes through with it," and "I don't know that this is a good idea," and "She's always been rather impulsive," blah, blah, blah, badmouth-neice-some-more.

And I referred to the room they slept in as my "office," rather than the guest room because, well, 350 days a year, that's exactly what it is and I don't want them getting the idea that it's their territory.

MIL left a full bar of soap because she didn't have a dish to take it home in.....she refused the offer of a ziploc bag. She also left a washcloth. She leaves a wash cloth every single trip, and then, when I try to return it to her, claims it isn't hers, despite it's matching the towels in her bathroom. The soap was tossed and the cloth was added to my rag pile.

Oh, one more weird thing they do, at least *I* think it's weird. They stopped for lunch and brought their leftovers with them. Then they kept trying to get Bruce and I to eat them. I think that's a bit odd. We're not talking about rolls or the crackers from the soup or whatever. We're talking about "This was on my plate, I couldn't finish it, why don't you eat it?" Maybe because I'm not blood-related to them, but I think that's nasty! Of course, I simply politely refused, but EWWW!

Fall Insanity

Really, I should expect this, particularly after our Summer of Insanity. And yet, silly me, I actually was deluded enough to think that I would have a bit of a break once school started. You'd think I'd learn.

So, summer....let's review, shall we?
June--Church camp for Tristan. He's home for 5 days, and we ran off to Mesa Verde for about a week. AWESOME trip.

July--We returned from MV on the 3rd. The next weekend, 7/10, we were back at church camp for our annual Family Camp weekend up there.
Home on Sunday, and the boys left the following Saturday for Scout Camp. Girls and I left Sunday for church camp.
Home on Friday (girls) and Saturday (boys), and then off the following Thursday for a quick visit with my parents. We were there for just 3 days, and really, it was a PERFECT amount of time. Mom, of course, complained that it was "too short," and all of that, but the 4th day of any visit with her is usually a doozy. We may make this our new tradition.
Home on Monday night. Tristan and Shannon leave on Sunday for Diabetes camp. At this point, Tristan hasn't slept in his own bed more than 5 consecutive nights since early June and it's mid-August.
Home on Friday. Vacation Bible School starts on Monday. I didn't volunteer this year, except on Friday when the craft helper couldn't be there.
VBS goes through Friday, with a performance of the cute little songs and reader's theatre in church on Sunday and at the family BBQ Sunday afternoon. Alana, however, had to miss both because she threw up Sunday morning before church.
School started last Monday, and soccer started last week, so here we are.

We had an awesome summer, with fantastic new experiences with the kids. It was just so back-to-back busy that I was never sure if we were coming or going.

Now, our lives look like this:
Monday--Piano Lessons for Alana; Swimming for Shannon; Scouts for Tristan (and Bruce).
Tuesday--Back-to-back soccer practices for Alana and Tristan; Yoga for me
Wednesday--Swimming for Shannon; CM Meetings for me (every other Wed usually, but we've had a lot of meetings lately).
Thursday--Back-to-back or simultaneous soccer games for Alana and Tristan; Yoga for me, if life doesn't interfere too much.
Friday--Swimming for Shannon; Sax lesson for Tristan
Saturday morning--Back-to-back or simultaneous soccer games for Alana and Tristan. Yoga is offered at 8:30, but I can't make it due to the whole soccer thing.
Sunday--Church, of course, plus choir practice for the girls, youth group for Tristan, and once a month, Tween Flicks for Shannon. Also scrapbooking once a month.

This week, we add in the Scout family BBQ tonight, plus Back to School night on Thursday. Alana's soccer game is at 6:45, and BTS starts at 7:00. If Alana's game starts on time, we should be able to make it to BTS about the time they stop yapping at everyone in the gym and move on to the classrooms. I've chatted at length with Shannon's teacher, but I don't know Alana's well at all, so I really want to go meet her.

Tristan is trying out for Jazz band, which would mean before-school practices on Wednesday and Friday. Shannon will take orchestra again, which means schlepping her to the jr high Tuesday and Thursday mornings, then picking her up and bringing her to school.

And, of course, there are all sorts of fun things coming down the pike for us too.
Next weekend--Camping at Great Basin Nat'l Park, with a tour of Lehman Caves.
September 12 weekend--Yard Sale, Company Open House, CM card class
September 19 weekend--Boy Scout campout, CM crop, Annual consignment sale where I sell and buy gently used kids' clothes, books, toys, etc.
September 26 weekend--Dream Dinners session on Saturday, but so far (knock wood) that's it.
October 3 weekend--Camping at Buckhorn Wash, Middle-of-nowhere central Utah (as in, make your own freeway exit, middle-of-nowhere!).
October 10 weekend--Croptoberfest, Tristan's liturgist at church, and he's playing in the youth praise band. I'm forgetting something else that weekend, but it's a ways off, so that's okay, right?
October 17 weekend--Something's up, but I'm not sure what. That date is just really familiar to me right now.

So, there you have it. My "relaxed" life where I can get a "break" now that school has started.

You can stop laughing now.

Really, I'm not complaining. I'm a bit frustrated with myself for not being more on top of things over the last week or so, but I'll catch up and get it back together. I'm still on "summer" in some ways, so I spend my time flitting from thing to thing until I realize that it's 5:00 and we need dinner NOW because someone has to be somewhere and Bruce is still at work (he's buried right now).

Honestly, I'm glad we can offer our kids these opportunities for church, sports, and music. They love it. And if you look at it, it's not that many activities for each child. It's just that there are 3 of them! LOL! Really, I could be busy doing things that are a lot less interesting, a lot less fun, so I'm truly not complaining. I love our crazy lives! I love that the kids have these opportunities to do these things. I love watching them try new things, enjoy them, and learn along the way to discovering who they are. It's a fabulous blessing.

MIL Strikes Again

When we last left our dubious heroine, there was the minor matter of a possible heart attack. Or perhaps it was actually heartburn. No answers on that front, so I'm quite certain she's been told it was NOT a heart attack. If that was even hinted, we'd be inundated with "I could drop dead any day now" phone calls, coupled with long litanies of all the medications and steps being taken to prevent her demise.

But the conversation yesterday went something like this....

MIL: How are the kids?
DH: They just got back from Diabetes Camp....
MIL: Now, are you really sure Shannon has diabetes?

Yes, folks, she actually said that. Bruce laughed himself senseless and told her that yes, both children do, indeed, have diabetes. I mean really? REALLY?! Nah, Shannon doesn't have diabetes....we just like giving injections so much we decided to test them on her too.

Good grief!

Bruce's only response is that clearly, his mother is losing it.

Dear Mom...

If you're always right, where does that leave me?

A Quick Mom Funny

We all know that my mother drives me crazy. I'm actually using this time to step back and observe, or at least try to, so I can figure out how to have a relationship with her that doesn't make me nuts all the time.

So, last night, we're having taco salad for dinner and mom only has 5 bowls. There are 7 of us. She tells me she has a job for me, and my job is to find enough bowls for all of us, or would plates work? She told me, at least three times, that she "didn't care" what we used. I said the adults could use plates and the kids bowls. She didn't come right out and say it, but it was clear that was NOT what she had in mind. So, I take out her 5 cereal-type bowls, and found a couple others.

Oh, no, we can't use that one....it has a chip in it, see?
So, if we're not using it, why are we keeping it?
WE'RE NOT! I JUST HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO THROWING IT AWAY!
(oops)
So, I find another bowl and I leave the 7 on the counter.

Guess what?

Yeah, I know you're all brilliant.

She completely rearranged what I had planned, choosing other bowls, arranging them on the table, etc.

*sigh*

Leaving in the morning

Well, we're off in the morning.

So that means I'm completely prepared and ready to go, right?

Yeah, um, notsomuch....

Took the van in for an oil change this morning. That was supposed to take 20 minutes. It took an hour. And they informed me that I needed a brake flush, power steering flush, and an alignment, plus new tires SOON. "I'll only keep you about an hour." Dude, I don't have an hour!

So we were late for swim lessons, and then late for piano lessons, and then I took the van back. By the time the shuttle was ready to take me home, the van was done. $375 and another 90 minutes that I didn't have, it's road ready. Or close enough. We'll worry about tires next month.

Bruce has a grand plan. He wants us to get up at 5:00 am and pour the kids in the van in their jammies, and be on the road by 6:00.

You can stop laughing now.

I know I'm not a morning person. Bruce knows I'm not a morning person. He promised me coffee, and he told me I could sleep in the van.....because I do *that* so very well. Not happily anticipating a darn thing about this trip, except a chance to see some friends.

Wish me luck, light candles, say prayers.

PineCliff Church Camp

Oh my goodness, what a week!

First, I have to say that I completely misjudged both the nurse and the camp director. The nurse was WONDERFUL! We went up Sunday evening, with campers arriving on Monday afternoon. The nurse, Kristin, sat down with Shannon and I and basically said "whatever you need, we'll do." So, Kristin kept Shannon's insulin and Shannon carried her emergency injection. Her counselor seemed a bit worried at first (the note I had was 2 pages long), but took it all in stride.

The camp director, Corey, is rather disorganized and schedules were mostly a suggestion, especially for morning stuff. BUT, it was clear from early on that he has a passion for this camp and for these kids. He truly loves doing this, and with that I can certainly overlook the disorganization stuff.

I had a cabin of girls ranging in age from a 1st grader (in the fall) to a couple of 4th graders. That caused a few problems. But the biggest problem came from a very insecure almost-2nd grader. She created so much girl drama and I was ready to throw my hands up in the air and run for the hills! She was doing a bunch of "You can be my friend, but *you* can't, and since you're MY friend, you can't be her friend" nonsense. She didn't want to participate half the time, and found all sorts of ways to not wind up where she was supposed to be. To be fair, I had that problem with most of them off and on all week, but seriously, I'd count heads, get to 7 and know exactly which one of my 8 was missing.

I think I've forgotten how to count past 8, by the way, after counting them over and over and over again, making sure they were all where they belonged. LOL! It was a bit like herding cats. And it was exhausting.

In spite of all of that, I had a good week. I was ministered to in ways I did not expect as people came to understand the challenges in our family right now. I thought I would pay my dues and never do this again. Now I can't wait to go back next year.

I probably won't go as a counselor though. It was just too much for me to handle, managing Shannon's food needs (the cooks were SO supportive of that) and her diabetes needs, plus Alana's clinginess (nuclear melt down Thursday afternoon, poor thing), plus the 7 other girls in my cabin. I'll go back as a craft or kitchen helper or general floater, but I need to not be in charge of so much. I don't think I had a hot meal all week, helping the little ones with trays, napkins, juice, etc.

Shannon had a rough moment Thursday night. She got her s'more, minus the graham cracker, and her sugar was 270-something. She just lost it. I think it all hit her at once, the food needs Every. Single. Meal. The can't-eat-anything-without-checking-sugar stuff. She just fell apart. She asked why she can't be normal, like everyone else. And that still rips me to my core. I don't have an answer for her. All I can tell her is that it sucks and I'm sorry.

Even in the midst of that, though, I was blessed by people who were willing to manage my cabin while I tended to my daughter. And Shannon was blessed by a cabin full of girls who quickly accepted her and all her foibles. She had a couple of friends from church with her who are used to her needs and her needles, and that really helped. I think they were able to help set the tone.

People commented all week about how strong Shannon is and how well she manages her needs. Of course, she doesn't feel so strong, but she truly is. Corey has to give himself a shot once a day and he hates it, but he told me that Shannon inspired him to buck up and deal. If an 11 yo girl can do it multiple times a day, well, then he can do it once.

I've been singing Twila Paris' "The Warrior Is A Child" all day, and I sang the chorus to Shannon Thursday night. It really is an inspiration to me...

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Cuz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.

That's how I feel. The rest of the song talks about how people see the strength on the outside, but they don't see the wounds and tears. God does though, and I reminded Shannon of that. I reminded her that we're not alone. God has given us friends and loved ones, and even total strangers who care. And God has given us gifts and strengths so that we can meet these challenges, and He's always there for us.

I tucked her in and then fell apart myself. And was again blessed by people who barely knew me.

Anyway, this post rambled a bit. But you get the idea.

I found the song on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5o2YY5BRUg&feature=related

On to Hovenweep National Monument

Eroded Boulder House. They built INSIDE the rock. How cool is that?!
Boulder House, built on a boulder set apart from the canyon walls. You can see the steps they carved in the rock to get to the door.

Twin Towers, in Little Ruin Canyon.

Not sure which one this is, though I *think* it's Tower Point, or maybe one of the ones in the smaller areas of the park.

Hovenweep Castle, again in Little Ruin Canyon.

Hovenweep NM is in the middle of nowhere, straddling the Utah-Colorado border, not on the way to anywhere, but it's only about 50 miles from several cities. It was well worth the drive out there, and you can see much of it in one day, especially if you get started before noon, unlike us. LOL! At the visitor center, you'll learn about the ruins, and if you take the 2-mile loop through Little Ruin Canyon, you'll see roughly a dozen ruins. The trail is mostly flat, going around the edge of the canyon, on slickrock. At the end, it descends into the canyon and back out again.

There are three other areas of the park, not contiguous, that are (mostly) reachable by passenger car. I'm not sure I would've attempted some of those roads in the van, however. And there's one that they recommend a high-clearance vehicle. They're not kidding. Or, you can hike the .8 miles to see that group. The overcast skies that had been such a blessing in keeping the weather cool became a curse as darkness came early. Bruce didn't want to attempt the "high clearance" section in the Pilot, and I don't blame him. It started off down a steep grade and over a couple of large boulders. Add the growing darkness and the expansive feel of being all alone for miles and miles, and well, we'll just have to see that group another time.

Most of the ruins, including many of the cliff dwellings in Mesa Verde, were built in the 1200s. Mesa Verde has many that date from earlier, and the park documents the way the ancients moved from on top of the mesa to the cliff dwellings and back again. Everything in Hovenweep was built from about 1200 to 1275 or so. And then it was abandoned. Theories as to why abound, but it seems that it was a combination of factors. There was a 23-year long drought; perhaps they'd over-farmed the surrounding land, and there is evidence of internal strife. Of course, the strife may have been brought on by the shrinking resources, or it may have been exacerbated by it. No one knows for certain, but they continue to dig and research.

The people who lived here did not just disappear, however. It would seem that they migrated south to the Rio Grande river, where the Zuni and other Peubloan people still live today. These people may also have been the ancestors of the Hopi; possibly the Utes, but not the Navajo and it appears that the Freemont culture so prevalent in other areas of Utah was NOT related to them either. Attempts at DNA testing have been made, but the present-day Native Americans don't trust white scientists to be respectful (can you really blame them?), and say they don't need to know the results anyway. So, the results remain a secret. Perhaps as relationships between Native Americans and Anglos improve, we'll know.

The area is a veritable gold mine of Ancient Puebloan ruins, and it's just amazing. There is the Canyon of the Ancients National Monument, run by the BLM (not the Park Service) and I got the feeling that there was some inter-agency turf wars going on there. The Park Service had very little information about the Canyon of the Ancients Monument, instead directing us to the Anasazi Heritage Center in Delores, CO, headquarters of the Monument. Even the Visitors Center in Cortez, CO had very little information about it, which is rather odd considering the mountains of information they had about every National Park for 100 miles.

So, yeah, Canyon of the Ancients will have to happen on another trip. I hear that there are some spectacular ruins to be seen there, including some that you can actually enter. And, a ranger in Mesa Verde told me that there are far more ruins on the nearby Tribal lands as well. Some of which you can arrange to tour. Add that to the list of things I must see before I die! At this rate, I can't ever die....too many amazing wonders to see!

More links:

Holly Group

Horseshoe & Hackberry Group

A Taste of Mesa Verde National Park

Square Tower House

Cliff Palace (the largest ruin in the Park)
Long House, from the inside

Long House

(Now that I figured out, at least somewhat, how to do this, ya'll are in for a whole passle of posts with pictures!)

Playing with Pictures

My beautiful family

My girls

Tristan, looking WAY too grown up

Alana

pictures

My beautiful Shannon

MIL called

I don't know whether to laugh or what....

She called dh's cell phone twice. I didn't get there in time to answer it the first time, and the second time, well, I just do NOT talk to her on the phone. Ever. So I ignored it. I did, however, tell him that she'd called the first time and that I didn't get to it fast enough.

He called her back a while later. The conversation went something like this:

MIL: Tell Tristan that I didn't forget his birthday (it was Friday the 17th), but I was busy getting a ride to the hospital in an ambulance.
Bruce: An ambulance? What happened?

I don't know what all she said, but apparently she had some chest pains and thought she was having a heart attack. The paramedics gave her something in the ambulance and she got better. She has no idea what they gave her.....my guess is nitroglycerin, but whatever. After running all sorts of tests, they don't know what caused her pain, but it was NOT a heart attack.

But see the birthday thing? That's just weird. Tristan's birthday was over a week ago, and this ambulance ride was Wednesday. She took several more days to even TRY to call, calls his cell phone but not the house phone and didn't leave a message. Yeah, she forgot his birthday, not that he cares.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's all right. Well, mostly. But the way she told Bruce? What did she say to the rest of the family (the other 7 siblings)? And waiting so long? I seriously don't get how that family operates.

And now, you know she'll be using this for attention and other stuff. They haven't made any effort to come and visit us in at least two years. The last time they did was Memorial Day 2008, and they met us at a camping spot less than an hour from their house. And then they almost didn't come! We were there for Thanksgiving, and Bruce has visited with the kids a couple of times. Now he wants to visit them again...."probably should," he says. Which is *exactly* her game.

The woman makes me crazy, I tell ya.

*sigh*

(post about camp coming very soon, I promise)

Busy Busy Summer

I think I say this every year, but next year, I'm NOT scheduling so many things. I'm just not. We haven't had two consecutive weeks at home all summer, and we're not going to....

July 18-25 Boy Scout Camp
July 19-24 Church Elementary Camp. I'm going as a counselor for the K-2 kids. Pray for me.
July 30-August 3 Quick trip to N. Idaho to see my family. We're driving straight through both ways, 12 hours, something we've never done before with the kids. Pray for us.
August 9-14 Diabetes Camp
School starts August 24th.

VBS is the week before school starts, but we've decided that we're not going to participate this year. We all need that week to breathe a bit, meet with schools about diabetes and celiac, and get ready.

I keep waiting for this long stretch of time called "Summer Break." It's only taken me a month to realize that it's just not happening, so if I want to accomplish anything, cleaning out the craft rooms for instance, I need to do it in smaller spurts. I'm having a hard time even finding those, though, with all the running. We return from one thing, do the laundry, unpack, and then it's time to go again.

Not that I'm complaining.

Well, okay, maybe a little.

We've already done some amazing things this summer. Tristan went to Jr. High Camp, plus the PineCliff mission trip where he did a lot of work on the church-owned camp to get it ready for the summer season. Then there was the Mesa Verde and Hovenweep trip. That was amazing. I can't wait to scrapbook all of that! And the trip to Zion was awesome. God's creation is truly awe-inspiring! Camp will be good for all of us, and Diabetes camp will be fantastic for the kids. They're familiar with Celiac disease too, so I won't have to worry and fuss about Shannon.

It's just that I really wanted to get things done this summer. I think we all go through that. And it's not happening, or not happening very fast. I feel like I'm working all the time and not getting anywhere. Frustrating, to say the least!

Oh well, one thing at a time. Instead of completely reorganizing an entire room, I'll just have to settle for one closet or cupboard at a time. Tossing half-empty bottles of lotion that are 3 years old sure feels good (from the kids' bathroom vanity....don't tell. It was fancy Princess lotion)!

Things I Love Thursday!

Okay, so this is totally cliche and "everyone's doing it," but it would seem that I need something to encourage me to blog once in a while, so here's my very first Things I Love Thursday post.

I have recently rediscovered just how much I *love* the National Park Service website. It's really one of the best out there.....easy to navigate, tons and tons of information about every single park, monument, recreation area, historic site, battlefield, etc, that the Park Service manages.

Some of the information available:

• Basic park information--how to get there by plane, train, or automobile, entrance fees, hours, road closures, etc.
• Reservation information for lodging and/or camping within the park, usually operated by a private company.
• Links and/or contact information for area hotels and camping outside the park.
• Reservation information and/or links to privately operated tours in the park.
• What to do in the park, including a handy list of ways to maximize your time. The lists include things like "If you have a half a day in the park......" up to "If you have several days in the park...." These lists give you a good idea of how long things might take and things you don't want to miss while there.
• Hiking trail information, including how difficult the hike is, trail conditions (back country or paved loop and everything in between), elevation gain, distance, how long the hike should take, and other information about the trails. Many times I've found that this information is more comprehensive than some of the brochures you'll get at the park.
• Maps and brochures to download, including the pretty one they give you when you arrive at the park!

Then there's the FUN stuff at the website! If you look at the links on the side of the page that say "For Kids," and "For Teachers," there's even more fun and information! (Links included show you what I used for our Mesa Verde trip).

• Under "Planning a Field Trip," you'll find information about how long activities will take.
• For some of the parks, you'll find classroom resources and materials. I've printed some worksheets for the kids to do (Bruce calls it my "Mesa Verde Homework." Brat!)
• You may also find fun worksheets for kids (under "for kids"), like a word search or maze or matching game.

So, if you're planning a visit to any one of the hundreds of public areas managed by the National Park Service, check out the website. The website is truly a sterling example of our tax dollars doing it right!

And, this summer, for two more weekends, the Park Service is waiving fees to all of the parks. How cool is that?! You can visit a park for free during the weekends of July 18-19 and August 15-16. For more information on that, click here.

Over a month? Really?

And this will have to be a short, drive-by post. I'm officially reclaiming my house today, come hell or high water!

So dang busy, and yet, so much I want to say, things swirling around in my head waiting rather impatiently for me to pay attention and let them out.

Shannon's birthday...have lots to say about my not-so-little-girl. I'll start with she's amazing. Truly. I'm awed and inspired by her grace and courage under difficult circumstances. I'm amazed by her every day and so thankful she's in my life.

Melancholy following me around. Yuck!

Mesa Verde next week...one of the reasons I'm short on time.

I'll leave you with this, my new favorite song, "It's the Climb," by Miley Cyrus.

Who'd a thunk it would be a teenage sensation who speaks to me today?!

But, really, I've been hanging on to the idea that I just have to get through this, get to the other side. Yet, my LIFE is what's happening NOW. It's not the top of the mountain that matters. It's the climb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

(and maybe, if I have time, I'll figure out how to embed the video in the blog. Maybe.)

Rambling thoughts

I'm in Idaho visiting my parents for a few days for my sister's graduation from nursing school. I'm so proud of her I could burst, and, while the timing isn't the best (it is crazy MAY after all), I wouldn't miss this event for all the world.

But, this visit is stitlted to say the least. It's superficial and surface and all of that, and it makes me sad. I simply can't share myself right now. I can share the details of life and gluten-free cooking and diabetes supplies and all of that, but I can't share what's truly going on with me. It's not safe for me to make myself vunerable here. I can't even bring out the book I'm reading without some comment from mom. I mentioned that I read fantasy novels and mom made this snorting sound like that's just a waste of literary life. Okay mom, whatever. I don't read murder mysteries like she does, but I don't criticize her reading choices!

Of course, there's a part of me that gets a perverse pleasure in showing her just how different we really are. Maybe I should bring out that book! LOL!

I'm not putting this very well.....I'm staying true to myself, but I'm just not sharing it with her. So, am I really being true to myself? I think, for now anyway, the answer is yes. I'm stronger these days, but I'm still a bit fragile. Right now, being true to myself means that I need to protect myself a bit. I'm just not up for defending my spiritual journey (The Secret), my emotional journey through my reading and writing, or my fragileness. Perhaps I'm choosing the path of least resistance. But, let's face it, I just don't have the strength to deal with it, especially since I shouldn't have to.

It's a bit frustrating, though, because I do have time on my hands. Time that I don't need to spend cleaning or doing laundry or chasing children. But, I can't really use that time to write or read for fear of the backlash. Uh-oh. Am I making that choice out of fear? Probably. *sigh* Something I really don't like to do....decisions based in fear are almost never the right ones. But, then again, fear is a protective mechanism, when it's appropriate fear.

Geez, I'm going in circles! Time to quit and grab my journal and write a bit.

The excitement never ends.....

LOL!

Last night, Bruce and I went to a banquet for his work. It was a lovely evening, with good food and a chance to be out amongst grown ups! I got to meet the man who went on the business trip instead of Bruce when Shannon was hospitalized and thank him.

We left the kids to take care of themselves, which was a first. We've left them here and there during the day, but not for an evening. We got Shannon a frozen GF pizza and Papa Murphy's for the other two. They did really well, with the house only mildly disasterized, and they didn't call us even once!

Tristan, who told us he'd do the dishes before we got home, actually started them about the time we walked in the door. A plate had cracked in the dishwasher and came out in two pieces. Tristan was fascinated by this silly plate....can we glue it? Why not? Look how smooth the edges are, etc....and he wouldn't put the stupid thing down. Finally, Bruce told him, VERY SHARPLY to take the blasted thing out to the big trash can before someone got hurt. And we went upstairs to change our clothes.

Shannon came running up the stairs about 20 minutes later......panic in her voice, "mommy, mommy, mommmy, mooooommmmmy"

Yep, he'd dropped it on his foot while (finally) taking it out to the trash, resulting in a lovely cut on the top of his foot. It was a little over an inch long, on the pinky toe side of his foot, about halfway between toes and ankles.

Did I mention it was 9:25? And Bruce and I were both in our PJ pants? :rolling eyes:

So, while Bruce got dressed, I called urgent care and found one without a wait and off the boys went. Tristan now has 4 stitches. They'll come out about 10 days, but because of the diabetes, it may take a bit longer to heal.

Really, just another Friday night at our house! LOL!

They say it's a process

and, Lord, how I hate that cliche. Especially since it seems to be true. I hate hate hate being a cliche!

So, this GF thing has started to normalize in our house. At first, all I could see were the myriad of things Shannon couldn't have....the bread and pasta and cookies and doughnuts and tortillas. Side dishes with dinner are still a struggle for me and I'm actually considering canning my own potatoes in an effort to speed up the dinner process.

But, now I see the tremendous number of things Shannon CAN eat. She can't have baked goods, and that's a pain in the backside. The pizza thing was a bit of a let down. The bread thing is frustrating and discouraging at times. But she's never been a picky eater, and we've found lots of things that she really likes. I've found lots of companies who clearly label their products--Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Feneral Mills, M & M Marsy, Nestle and Frito-Lay. More and more companies are getting on the labelling bandwagon, making my life much easier. Even Walmart's generic products are labelled well, and both their soy sauce and Worchestershire sauce are GF.

We've found some wonderful crackers made with Almond Flour from Blue Diamond. They're about $3 a box, which is a normal cracker price. I never pay that for regular crackers, but wait until they go on sale and stock up, so that's still a bit high for me, but Shannon loves them and I'm watching for sales on those too.

And, I found the cutest book at the library. It's called The Gluten Free Kid by Melissa London. It's actually a true story that started as a 12 yo's school project. Her parents took the idea and ran with it, publishing a book about Celiac disease for kids. Shannon loves this book! I'll be taking my Borders 40% off coupon and buying it, that's for sure.

So, today's a good day. Mostly anyway. I'll be baking another round of bread and hoping it turns out. If not, I've got a couple other recipes waiting to try, including a recipe for rolls that could be used for hamburger and hot dog buns. Wish me luck!

Another bread attempt--Update

I'm using a recipe from Bob's Red Mill, and I'm crossing my fingers it works. There seemed to be an awful lot of liquid in it, but now it's on the second rise and seems to be doing just right.

It's this recipe: http://www.bobsredmill.com/recipes_detail.php?rid=124

But I had to modify it just a bit. I didn't have an guar gum or soy lecthin, so I didn't include them, and I had potato starch, but not potato flour. Getting to 3/4 cup of egg took a bit of doing. Worked out to be 3 eggs, plus the white of a 4th. My dog is liking the yolks he's getting from all these recipes that use whites. His coat should be shiny shiny shiny!

Update--Well, Shannon didn't like it. I thought it was the best attempt so far, but she didn't agree. I think she's still comparing it to "regular" bread and it's really not the same. After a trip to the store today, I'll try again. There are dozens of recipes out there. We'll keep trying until we find one that works for her.

A light?

Maybe? Today I'm feeling inspired to get the house in order, at least a little bit. Over the weekend, Bruce remodeled my cabinets a bit to make them more accessible. You know that cupboard near the sink that's always got a tiny door and goes WAY back to the wall? Many kitchens have one of those. Well, Bruce cut a door in the back side, under our breakfast bar, so we can use that space better. I cleaned out several cupboards, got rid of a few things, and organized the rest. Now we've got a dedicated space for Shannon's waffle iron, toaster, and bread maker, plus all the containers of different flours and starches.

So, today, I'll work on a few other things around the house....laundry (there's always laundry), and tidying up the living areas, plus the master bedroom and bath.

But the light is that I'm feeling a pull to start scrapbooking again. Like an itch to get out the pictures and start cutting and pasting, matching colors and mounting things. I almost didn't recognize it, but there it is. You have *no* idea how great that feels!

Tapped out.....again

I have absolutely no reserves these days. And I'm exhausted. Physically, I could sleep for days if the laundry and dishes would stop haunting my dreams. Emotionally, I'm dried up and dusty and yet crying at the same time. (I never promised to make sense.)

I'm discouraged. I've tried two different GF bread recipes and Shannon, so far, is not impressed. She liked the second one well enough, but didn't like her sandwich at lunch today. She's trying so very hard not to hurt my feelings because she knows I'm trying to help and she knows it's a lot of work (3 trips to the health food store in 2 days), but she just doesn't like it. I imagine she's discouraged too.

Tonight we ordered GF pizza from Pier 49, plus another "regular" pizza for the rest of the family. Total: $35!!! And my dingbat husband "forgot" that I don't eat pizza. I don't like it, especially not bready, doughy, yucky regular pizza. This is not a new thing. I haven't eaten regular pizza in ages. And, he ordered pepperoni, which Alana doesn't like, and never has. I swear, some days he's just not very aware of the rest of this family.

Shannon seemed to like the pizza at first blush, but then said "it's good, but I'm just not in the mood for it." I think that translates to "I miss regular pizza, damn it, and this crap doesn't measure up!"

So, I'm discouraged. And exhausted. And trying to find the energy to even think about tomorrow....

8:15 Tristan has to be at church to catch a ride to camp to help another Scout with his Eagle project up there.
9:00 Alana has a soccer game
10:15 Alana has dance rehearsal

5:00 Alana's dance show, complete with make up and hair. The hair shouldn't be too hard, since she cut most of it off.

The dance show is actually 2 shows and runs until about 9:00 or so. Somewhere in there, I need to round up a craft project and coloring pages to keep the dancers busy back stage, grab a box or two of CapriSuns for them, cut the belt buckle off her costume, do her hair and make up, and wash her dance tights. Why both pairs are dirty is beyond me, but they are.

Sunday we've got church in the morning, and Shannon has Tween Flicks in the evening, where they'll serve pizza that she can't eat. Tristan will be gone most of the day for his Confirmation retreat. He'll be back just in time for youth and bells.

Bruce leaves town Monday (returning Wednesday morning), and Tristan has Scouts or a baseball game, or both.
Tuesday is soccer practice for Alana.
Wednesday is a baseball game, plus a business meeting for me.
Thursday is a soccer game.
Friday is a banquet.
Saturday is my crop.

Sunday is Mother's day.
That Tuesday, I leave for my sister's graduation, home on Saturday. The list of things I need to do before I leave just so that Bruce will have a clue what to do with the kids (soccer? Where? Carpool?) is so long that I'm just ignoring it and pretending I've got a month to get organized. Probably not the best plan, but tonight, I'm simply too tired to care.

Success!

I checked out half a dozen gluten-free cookbooks from the county library, and there are dozens more available. It's a matter of trial and error right now.

Today, we made GF waffles for our traditional Saturday morning breakfast, and they're GOOD! Yippee!!

Breakfast has been a bit difficult. We tried a GF peanut butter cereal that she didn't like, so she's been eating eggs. But now, we've got waffles! And she's got her own dedicated toaster so she can toast some during the week if she wants to. I also made up a pot of rice last night and she liked that with butter, cinnamon, and sugar. We're still looking for other breakfast alternatives, but it feels good to have a handle on that right now.

The waffles are made with corn starch and xanthan gum. See, gluten provides the binder for many bread products. It's the stuff that holds breads together. So, you have to adjust recipes and hope they don't fall apart. Xanthan gum helps provide that binding agent as well. But, wow....it's EXPENSIVE. Or at least it was a shock to see that $12.99 price tag on an 8 oz package. But, then again, the waffle recipe requires only 1/4 teaspoon, and from my skimming of other recipes, this stuff will last a while.

I've still got lots to do and lots to process. The house seriously looks like a tornado hit. The kitchen needs a thorough cleaning out. I need to sort through the refrigerater and get rid of things that Shannon can't have (soy sauce can be made with wheat....who knew?). Same thing for the pantry. My neighbor was thrilled to recieve the Costco-size jug of soy sauce and the oyster sauce we can't use. She'll be getting a bottle of Worchesterchire sauce, and probably some other things. And, we'll be making a hefty donation to the food bank as well, things like barbeque sauce, packaged potato mixes, noodle mixes, rice mixes and more.

This is HUGE learning curve for all of us. There are lots and lots of things that Shannon CAN eat. But, I have to read labels and try to remember or cross-check all those long-winded names of different things. Some companies are better about labelling than others. Kraft is AWESOME. They make it very easy to determine if their products contain gluten. So far, they're the best I've found.

But, this morning is a good day. Our Saturday morning tradition is intact. Shannon can have the waffles she loves. Praise the Lord!

Maybe I really can do this.

It's official

Shannon has celiac disease. I thought I was prepared for this and in the right mindset, but at the moment, I find myself completely overwhelmed.

What can she eat for dinner?
What does she take in her lunch for school?
Do we ALL go GF?
How do I avoid cross-contamination if we don't?
How do I tell my mother who knew nothing about any of this because she drives me batty already?!
How do I deal with people who are uninformed or misinformed and don't care?
There are a million cookbooks out there. Which one(s) are the best?
What about church camp?
And the ball game on the 4th, complete with its traditional junk-food-fest?
And how do we handle the added expense of all of this?
Not to mention the added work for me?

ARGH!!!!

I know, I know....one problem at a time. Dinnner. I need to figure out dinner

Nervous Mommy Moment--Update

Tristan is going camping this weekend with his Scout troop, and Bruce isn't going with him. This is the first time he's been away from us since his diabetes diagnosis.

On the one hand, I *know* this will be good for him. He needs to get out and do things on his own.

On the other hand, I'm a nervous wreck! There's still a part of me that wants to bubble wrap him and keep him in his room forever. *sigh*

His Scout leaders have had a class about the diabetes from a doctor friend, so they know the basics, and we trust them. Tristan is pretty good about taking care of himself, but he's nervous too.

And they're going to the middle of nowhere (there's a lot of that in Utah). Bruce says "they're only 2 miles off the paved road." Um, yeah, and said paved road is at least 60 miles from the nearest medical help, and probably 20 miles from cell phone service!

It should be a fun campout. They're going to Topaz Mountain, which has lots of fun rock-hounding including topaz. They're working on their geology merit badge, though Tristan already has that one. Tristan will also be doing some leadership training, which will be very good for him.

All in all, I *know* this will be good for him, and, in all honesty, me too. But I'm still worried about him.

Good thing I've got so much to do this weekend with National Scrapbook Day.

Update: He had a blast! He came home dirty, smelly, and slightly sunburned with a tiny pile of topaz from the mountain. He said he enjoyed himself and no one nagged him too much. It was definitely good for him to go, and good for me too.

In hiding

Yep, that's me. Part of it is because the last couple of weeks have been so busy that I can barely come up for air. Last weekend was Easter, so, of course, I had to make the girls' Easter dresses. As I struggled with the depression and the resulting inertia, I would've given up and had them wear a dress they already had. But, see it's tradition that Mommy makes Easter dresses. And I'd taken the girls to the fabric store to pick out the pattern and the fabric. I just couldn't let them down. So I finished the dresses on Friday afternoon, and there was only one small error that you wouldn't notice unless you were really looking for it.

Then, of course, there's Easter and all the attendant activities. We had a party at church on Saturday, and, again, I thought about not going. But, again, the children were excited and wanted to go, so we went. I really don't want to be out and about much. People want to talk about the kids and their diabetes. They have questions and they're concerned, and I get that. I know that it comes from a place of caring. But sometimes, honestly most of the time, I don't want to talk about it. I'm living this day in and day out, and right now, there are times when it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.

If you ask me, I'll tell you I'm fine. Because my children need me to hold it together. So, I do the best that I can. My house is a mess, but we've got clean clothes and I made dinner for the last few nights. That's a victory, albeit a small one.

Back to my crazy schedule. Shannon is finishing up rehearsals for her school play on Friday. She's been at school until at least 5:30 every day this week. Tristan has started baseball with practices and games. Alana started soccer this week, but she's also still got dance until the first part of May. I've got National Scrapbook Day this weekend, plus it's the consignment sale to prep for. My items are all ready for sale. I volunteer tomorrow morning and then I've got the presale tomorrow night.

Seriously, it's nuts. But I'm glad for it in many ways. It keeps me from brooding.

So I hide from friends and keep myself busy.

Not so petty vent

Okay, so the giant box of Shannon's supplies arrived today. They sent the wrong syringes, and the wrong test strips. This should be easy to fix, right? WRONG.

The prescription for the syringes clearly states that they need to have 1/2 unit markings. They sent me 800 syringes with just unit markings. They're going to fix that.

They also sent the wrong test strips. 800 wrong test strips, at a cost of $700 to the insurance (we pay 10% of that). But, see, the prescription says "One Touch Test Strips," so they sent the basic strips. Nowhere on the prescription does it say "One Touch Ultra Mini" and the doctor wrote that they have to be brand-name. Great, just great.

Here's the problem with that logic. Test strips are an OTC product. Anyone can walk up to any pharmacy and buy them. Considering their astronomical cost, I don't know why you'd do that, but you could. So, when talking to Customer Service right after we placed the order, she said "One touch," and I said, "No, One Touch Ultra Mini." She repeated it back to me. But since the doctor only wrote the brand name, I'm stuck.

Okay, so we'll just find a meter that works with these strips. I go to the company website. Guess what? THEY DON'T MAKE THOSE METERS ANYMORE!!! Nope, they're off the market. There's one, maybe, that we can get, but it takes *45* seconds to get your results. Are you kidding me?! Our meters take *5* seconds. WTF?!?!

At the moment, we're screwed. The insurance has already paid for a 90-day supply of these things. They're not going to pay for another set of the correct stuff. And the mail-order pharmacy isn't going to admit they did anything wrong. Of course, they didn't.....they just didn't bother to use their heads.

WHAT WOULD A NEWLY-DIAGNOSED DIABETIC CHILD BE DOING WITH A METER THAT IS NO LONGER ON THE MARKET?! But, of course, they didn't bother to ask themselves that question and contact us for clarification (clearly that wouldn't have made a difference since I did, in fact, clarify it). Nope. They just followed orders.

Makes me wonder what would happen if I ordered meds that would counteract each other or cause an adverse reaction when taken together.

I wonder if it's illegal to sell test strips online? (No, I won't be selling the syringes!)

Stupid, petty, ridiculous vent!

We bought this house 3 years ago from a family that had lived here for probably 10-15 years, raising their kids, etc.

Today, in the mail, I receive yet another letter for the previous owners. It's not one of those advertisements that say "or current resident." It's a hand-addressed card.

Their daughter got married last summer. We received at least *8* cards for that child, because, apparently, the sender didn't check the return address.

We've gotten letters from attorneys for these folks. More than one atty, with more than one business that the former owners apparently owned. IRS stuff addressed to them. Now, wouldn't you think that the IRS would KNOW they'd moved after they filed their taxes with their new address?

One letter arrived last week, addressed to one of the daughters, with no return address. It was clearly from one of her teeny-bopper friends, based on the handwriting, etc. That one I took to a neighbor who sees the family on ocassion.

For about 6-12 months, I would dutifully write "please forward to 123 Alphabet Street" and put it back in the mail. But, really, *3* years?! I'm just done. They couldn't be bothered to fill out the little card at the PO like the rest of the adult world.....I'm not bothering to play nice anymore. I write "not at this address" on the front and put it right back in the mailbox. But for some dumb reason this just irritates the carp out of me!

Probably because they did a bunch of other "no common sense" things, and from the mail I'm getting, did some shady things with their businesses too. My home shows their lack of forethought all over the place, so maybe that's why it bugs me so much? Dunno, but it's driving me CRAZY!!!!

//rant over

Dreary and grey

It's a dreary, grey day here. It's been like this for most of the week. We've had snow and then brilliant sunlight that doesn't last, and more snow. It's been a good week for me to "hibernate." But I can't keep doing that forever.

I realized not long after Shannon's diagnosis that I was dealing with some depression. I wanted to deal with the difficult side of things, but I was afraid that I'd get stuck in the darkness. But, see, I already was stuck. I don't do the crawl-under-the-covers-and-don't-shower-for-days depression. I do the put-on-my-make-up-mask-and-pretend-everything's-okay-while-finding-inordinate-number-of-time-wasters-to-avoid-painful-reality depression. So, because I was vertical, getting up and dressed everyday, taking the kids to school, and so forth, I was thinking that I wasn't depressed. Wrong.

The laundry is piled up so high that it could trigger "the BIG one" if it falls over. It's all clean, but good luck finding a matching pair of socks. Dinners have been hit-and-miss. Mostly miss. Though I get things thawed out so Bruce has something to go on when he gets home. Can't remember the last time I vacuumed anything or cleaned a bathroom. I guess, considering all the emotional stuff, I'm doing pretty good--clean laundry, a dinner plan, dishes done. Maybe I really *shouldn't* be so hard on myself?

I get caught up in trying to stay balanced. How do I acknowledge and deal with the darkness without being sucked into it? How do I hurt and see blessings at the same time? How do I manage any of this, much less ALL of it?

A dear friend gave me a massage on Thursday. She's a truly gifted person, able to read a body and know what's up, very intuitive. She knew I needed to cry, and I swear, she found the "cry" button almost immediately. She gave me a safe outlet to release some of that while helping my body physically release too. What we talked about and what I thought about brought me some interesting conclusions.

I'm a road map and reservation kinda girl. I don't just go on a trip without knowing exactly where we're headed, how long we'll be there, and which hotel or RV park we'll be staying in. I do that in other areas of my life, but this new adventure doesn't have a map, and I'm having a hard time with that.

How can I be strong enough for this?
How will I manage the kids' diabetes and Shannon's gluten-free life? Especially since I can't even manage laundry right now!
Where will I find the tools I need?
How will I regain my balance?
How will I find the time and energy for the things that bring me joy?

The future is a big murky cloud, much like the one currently obscuring the view of my mountains.

Wait a second....

The future's *always* been a big murky cloud. I just had a comfortable delusion that I had some control over it. I don't now, and I never did. Yes, it's more complicated now, but who's to say there wouldn't have been other complications? Maybe that's part of what I'm struggling with.....are there still more complications coming at me?

So, I laid on that massage table and blubbered. Really, it wasn't pretty. But that's okay. Life isn't always pretty, and I'm glad for that. As I thought about these questions and doubts, I began to sense reassurance. I was telling myself to breathe in confidence and trust and breathe out doubt and fear. And guess what? I began to feel more confident and trusting; less doubtful and fearful.

I don't know how, but I know I WILL figure this out. I don't know HOW or WHEN, but I know that the tools and resources, not to mention courage and strength will be there when I need it. I know, too, that this darker time won't last forever. It's a season and, in the face of everything, it's normal. I won't slip too far down that road. I won't let myself (been there, done that, NEVER AGAIN), but more importantly, the love I have for my children and husband won't allow me to go there. They need me. They need me to be strong and able and loving and present. Sure, I can be weak and angry and out of it for a short time, but there's a fundamental maternal pull that won't let all of that interfere in their lives for too long.

And, there are lots and lots of people out there who won't let me slip quietly into the darkness either. My dearest friends, both near and far, know that depression is sometimes an issue for me. They worry and they call and they pester and they pray. They're not going to let me go. They listen and love and pop up in chat windows to ask if I ate breakfast today, and no, the milk in my coffee doesn't count!

I think, too, that I've matured (I certainly hope so). I've gained a bit of self-awareness and insight and wisdom. That devastating depression in my 17 yo suicidal self was so incredibly devastating precisely because it was new and so very very dark. I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't know that there was a way through it; there was light and life on the other side. I didn't know that I could survive and come out of it a better person. All I saw then was darkness going on forever. Now I know all those things.....yes, this is a dark, sad place. But it won't last forever. There is light and love out there and it's closer than I realize. I can trust in that wisdom. Again, I don't know the 'how' of it all; I don't know the lessons and strength I'll gain, but I do know, without a doubt that it will come.

Shannon's home from the hospital

Well, we're home now and she's going back to school tomorrow. We met with the school nurse and her teacher and have a tentative plan for testing, snacking, and giving herself shots. Since it's not all "official," I have to take the insulin in to her at lunch time. Once the doctor signs the forms, she can keep it with her.

Her teacher is AWESOME and so is pretty much everyone at her school. Word travelled pretty fast today, which happens in a school that's as close-knit as ours is. She's only got school through Thursday this week and then we're off all of next week. For now, I'll go in at lunch and provide support for her. I'll be doing that as long as she needs me to.

In other news, it appears that she probably has Celiac disease as well. They routinely screen newly diagnosed diabetics for it and something else (I can't remember the other thing) because it often goes hand-in-hand with diabetes. She's got a pretty high number on whatever the blood test was, so I have to take her in to the Pediatric GI clinic where they'll run another test to confirm it. Then I get to begin the gluten-free adventure.

We'll be getting Alana screened as well, as soon as we can. There is a blood test they can do that would indicate whether or not she's got a predisposition for diabetes so we'll know to watch her. Regardless, I'll keep an eye on her, but it would be good to know that she's probably NOT going to get diabetes.

I'm hanging in there and keeping myself VERY busy. I'm really afraid to let go because I'm not sure I'll be able to pull myself back together. I KNOW that I've only made it this far through prayer and the strength of my friends and family.

When it rains......

Shannon is 10 and in 5th grade, and, just 4 months after Tristan's diagnosis, she has also developed type 1 diabetes.

She was complaining last week of just not feeling very well. She came home from school early on Wednesday and didn't go on Thursday, but felt better so she went on Friday. Saturday afternoon, she volunteered to take a nap. As in "I think I'll go take a nap." She'd done this several times over the last few days, and I honestly chalked it up to one of the myriad of viruses that are floating around right now.

But, she was drinking an awful lot. And she was complaining that her legs hurt for no apparent reason. And, by the by, she'd lost 3 lbs over the week. So, on a whim, we tested her blood sugar. The meter simply read "HI," which means it's over 700 (normal is right around 100, but no higher than 180).

Uh, what?!

So we checked her for blood keytones and they were in the "have her evaluated" borderline range. We schlepped the other two over to the neighbor's and took Shannon to Primary Children's ER. They got to us pretty quickly and told us that there really was no other explanation for a sugar that high. They gave her some IV fluids, but the child WALKED up to her room. That seems so odd to me, that a child with an illness requiring an ER trip and hospitalization is walking to her room.

She wasn't nearly as sick as Tristan was because we caught it before it got too bad. She's in good spirits, eating and drinking and loving that she can order ANYTHING she wants off the menu. She's joking with us and with the nurses and watching movies in between her "classes," and loving that too.

So we're learning her ratios and dosages and all of that. And she's learning how to test her sugar and give herself insulin injections. So far, she hasn't pricked her finger or done the actual shot, but she's done everything else. They won't let her leave the hospital until she's doing this herself, or at least has done it once or twice. She really, really, REALLY wants to come home tomorrow, so I think she'll get it.

In the meantime, Bruce was supposed to fly out on a business trip today. Clearly he's not going, and his coworkers have been AMAZING about it. Someone else is leaving early tomorrow morning, with less than 24 hours notice. Another coworker, whom I've never met, brought Shannon an adorable floppy sheep dog stuffed animal (his name is now "Rover").

I don't really know what else to say. There is a genetic component to all of this, leaving a person with a predisposition for this because it's an autoimmune disorder. The cells in her pancreas that make insulin are dying and will eventually all die off. In general, the chances of a person developing Type 1 Diabetes if a sibling has it are 10%, so her chances of not having it were 90%. Only now, it's 100%. Statistics don't mean much, do they?

Another update

State Farm just called (my insurance company). They're offering us a VERY nice settlement, and it includes the taxes and licensing we just barely paid on it! I need to go get the title, check the van out one more time for personal property and then sign it over to the insurance. So far, they've determined that Vehicle #3 is 100% at fault for the rear damage to the van. The front stuff is still pending.

But, all in all, great news! Now to find something new to drive!

Crash Update

Well, I've now heard from my insurance company and the company of the man who hit me.

My insurance company is handling the immediate repairs and such, moved the van from the tow lot to the body shop, etc. It's easier, I guess, and faster to get it started this way and then have the two insurance companies work out who owes whom.

I have a rental car, but the policy on my van didn't include this coverage. I'm not sure when we dropped it, but we did. So we may be out the cost of the rental car, *if* there are issues with how much each party is at fault.

Bruce seems to be thoroughly convinced we're going to get scr*wed. I'm thoroughly convinced we're going to get a fair and accurate settlement. So, naturally he's driving me BONKERS! Good thing he's swamped at work and essentially must let me handle it or I'd have to strangle him.

My insurance said that much of this hinges on what the lead car says....if they felt only one impact, then it's very clear that I was pushed into him. If they felt two separate impacts, then I hit them first and then was hit. Of course, I did NOT hit them (much to my relief) until I was hit from behind. This is further complicated by the fact that the driver that hit me is from Oregon and his insurance company has been unable to reach him, probably because he's here on vacation or something.

My mother is a bit, um, condescending about how I don't have the phone numbers for the other drivers. The police officer handed me a lovely print out with lots of info on it, and I assumed it included necessary contact information. All of our street addresses were left off, and there were no phone numbers. When mom realized that I didn't have the numbers, she got rather snotty about it. I do have the phone number of the police officer.....wonder if he has more info?

In the meantime, my knee is turning pretty colors and it's sore, but not horribly bad. Saturday night was the worst, so I'm sure it's healing nicely.

The gentleman who sold us the Pilot called to talk about a couple of things we added to it, including a trailer brake. Well, the trailer stuff the dealership ASSURED us included the brake did not, in fact, include the brake (a trailer brake sends a signal to the trailer whenever the truck's brakes are applied so that the trailer's brakes are also applied....it's easier to have the rear vehicle slowing you down, rather than having the truck doing all the slowing....hope that makes sense). So, the dealership is paying for a trailer place to install the brake they promised us. Now he knows about our accident so he's looking for a used van for us. I need to be able to haul kids and soccer balls and things. We won't know anything about the van, totalling it, settlement or any of that until the end of the week at the earliest.

But, everyone's been exceedingly kind and considerate and I'm, so far, very impressed with our insurance.

Continued prayers for a speedy and fair resolution would be appreciated.

PS....Mom goes home tomorrow, about a day past driving me completely, utterly, bat-poo CRAZY!!!!!

Crunch!

So a week ago we bought a new Honda Pilot. The car it replaced had just come from the repair shop with an estimate for more than 3X its value, so we decided it was time to buy something else. The Honda is fabulous! It seats 8, airbags all around, heated leather seats, towing capacity that's high enough to easily tow our camping trailer, etc.....just a great new vehicle for us.

The only down side is that I was still stuck driving the van because I put lots of miles on a vehicle with all my running around, even with it consolidated.

Yesterday, I had a small CM booth at a teacher's conference at a school about 20 miles away. I had the van because it's just a bit longer and holds my display stuff better.

On my way home, traffic's moving great.....then it wasn't. We all slam on the brakes, and I missed the truck in front of me by a couple of feet. The truck behind me, however, couldn't stop in time....I was sandwiched between the two.

My van is now two feet shorter and leaking various and sundry fluids all over the tow company's lot

Thankfully, everyone was fine. There was a baby in the truck in front of me who got a good once-over by the paramedics and I'm sporting a beautiful bruise where my knee hit the dashboard/steering column. The driver of the truck who hit me freely admitted fault and everyone was really nice, under the circumstances. It could've been SO much worse.

I had one bag that had been in the very back of the van (seats were all folded down to accomodate my display stuff) that landed in the passenger seat. And I couldn't figure out where all the black plastic bits came from.....

Um, that would be the remains of my rear windshield.

And there's a lovely imprint of GMC in the rear of my van. The impacts pretty much crunched the front and rear, but the passenger compartment was completely intact.

So, we'll be contributing to the economy yet again once the insurance sorts it all out. A neighbor has offered to take my kids to school in the morning and it's not my week for carpool. I should have a rental car by tomorrow afternoon.

Really, it's just stuff. Plastic and metal.

Hassle? Yes, but honestly, I'm so very grateful.

It's Friday the 13th, alright!

Delta called with a recorded message this morning. They've changed both of my flights for my trip for my sister's graduation. I'm now leaving here at 8:20 pm on that Tuesday, arriving at 9:00. The return flight, however, is a problem......They have me leaving at 6:15 am. Do you know what time I have to be at the airport for that flight?! Before the butt-crack of dawn....And, I checked for other flights....it's the ONLY one from there to here on that day. *groan*

And then, while listening to this and swearing, a call from the school beeped through. It was Miss Pace.

Alana threw up.

In the classroom

After I sent her to school complaining that she just didn't feel like going, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, I'm the new Mom of the year.

*sigh*

On Fear

I've never really been a worrier, not about most things. The maternal units are probably the most glaring exception to that, but in most instances, that's just not me. I don't worry about the kids at school or Bruce on his business trips. When we went to San Diego, I really didn't worry about the kids, and I didn't worry that something would happen to us. I just don't worry about those things the way some people do.

One of my cardinal rules is that decisions made out of fear are rarely the right ones. Decisions based in "I don't want...." or "what if?" almost never cross my mind. I'm generally one that looks at things and decides what I DO want and I go from there.

But Tristan's diabetes and the resulting hospital stay, plus the day-to-day living with it have truly shaken me to the core. Suddenly my world just doesn't seem safe anymore.

Today, on the way to take the girls to school, an ambulance went by with lights and sirens going. It turned down the street toward the Junior High. A fire truck followed just a few minutes later (there are often paramedics on fire trucks, so around here, a medical emergency gets you both). I felt this black thing gripping my heart.....it felt like my heart stopped for a moment, and I had to tell myself to breathe.

It was fear.

Fear that they were going to the Junior High because Tristan had passed out. Fear that something horrible had happened to him. Even now, as I type this, I can feel that fear again. There's really no logical reason for me to be this fearful. There are 1200 students at that school, and hundreds of residents in the area around it. They probably weren't even going to the Junior High.

And yet. Fear.

I can't quite shake it. Please tell me this gets better. Please tell me that it will get easier. Please tell me that I won't worry about losing him every waking moment.

But see, we almost DID lose him. Right now, that's so very close to the surface and the fear it brings is so new to me. I just don't know what to do with it, how to handle it, and most importantly, I don't know how to live with it.

I hate this.

I really really really hate this.

It's wrong on so many levels.

A child shouldn't have to stab himself 8 times a day or more. Childhood is not supposed ot HURT, damn it.

And I hate, more than anything, that I can't do a damn thing about it!