Depression has been a part of my life for most of my adulthood. Looking back, it probably hung around in my childhood too, but I didn't recognize it for what it was. Mostly, it's situational, but then there's the Seasonal Affective Disorder that shows up every fall, sometimes seemingly out of the blue, leaving me wondering what in the world just happened. I'm learning to manage it better every year, though that is hard. Who wants to prepare for something like that? The irony is that, the more accepting I am of this unwelcome guest, the better things seem to go.
My first and scariest major depressive episode happened my junior year in high school. I ended an 18-month relationship and did some pretty stupid, drama-filled, ridiculous and hurtful things in the process. My world came crashing down, as my entire high school identity had been tied up in being half of that couple. Living in a small town, we were a fixture at the high school. And now we were fodder for gossip. We had couple friends who were now awkward to be around. I had no one to spend my weekends with as my boyfriend had been my best friend. I still miss that part of our relationship just a little bit, more than 20 years later.
I also had lost my grandmother, and then blew my knee to smithereens, requiring surgery, excruciatingly painful physical therapy, and a brace/crutches for months. Those events led to missing 2 full weeks of school, just as the semester was ending. I was a good student and a perfectionist. That only added to my stressD.
As spring came, I spiraled further and further into the pit. Eventually I decided that the only way out of my pain was to take my own life. And I hatched a plan. I had to wait until after a job interview Looking back that seems ludicrous.....Why wait until after the interview since I clearly wouldn't be around to do the job??? I knew my family would be out for the evening and I could simply drift away. It seemed so perfect.
Somehow, my ex knew what I was planning. And he KNEW that it was urgent. He told a school counselor who intervened. He saved my life, even though I had been terribly hurtful to him. I think other people knew I was struggling, but he was the one who knew just how much. See, that's the thing about love. You can not like someone but still love them very much and I'm pretty sure that's how my ex felt about me. Sure, he was mad and he had every right to be, but he still cared deeply for me. So, when he knew I was in trouble, he was there.
It took several long months of counseling for me to move away from that dark place. It was a lot of hard work, learning to be on my own again and figuring out how to be my own person. It was good, necessary work, and I'm so very glad I did it, but it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And I vowed I would NEVER EVER allow myself to get that deep again. I'm proud to say that I never have. But that doesn't make winters any easier for me.
