hey jeremy sisto, please stop trying to kill me

i know we're up on a dark mountaintop and you think you're sexy and there are cherry blossoms everywhere, but killing me over and over is not cool. granted, i get quicker each time and i get more skilled at hanging upside down and climbing down giant rockfaces to evade you, but all this work to avoid death is a bit too much. just... relax a bit! my flight leaves at 9:05, so i'll be out of your hair in no time. oh one last thing - please don't drug me so i wake up 10 minutes before the plane takes off, that just makes this all the more difficult to finally escape.

pookatah

my friend from LA just called me asking if it would be okay if he borrowed my surfboard. he was out drinking at a bar with another buddy of ours and oh man i wish i was there right now with them. i remember the days of herding them all together to go surfing oh so early. half the time they'd show up, other times not. usually a grey sky, okay conditions. i had this crazy happy energy whenever i got in the water. sometimes we'd go out at night to whatever random bar in koreatown our buddy knew about and drink soju and beer until we were completely out of it. just laughing, talking shit.

currently my board is just sitting at another friend's house, just waiting for me to come back. i agreed upon these conditions - if he breaks it he buys me a new one, if he dings it he repairs it, and that he doesn't leave it out in the sun to warp or turn yellow. and that he also was to know that her name is pookatah.

this makes me kind of sad. it's MY board, but in a way by letting someone else use it and bond with it... i dunno. just bummed i guess. i told my friend i wish i was there and he responded with "i know! what the fuck are you doing when are you coming back??" i wish i could combine my lives instead of spreading myself thin over all these different cities. i miss surfing. i miss my life in LA. i miss flowers and never needing to wear a coat or hat. i miss a lot of what i used to have and here i am, sitting at home alone on a friday night watching tv shows. you know, just living it up in new york.

yeah.

it's nice to have something to believe in

i watched last night. i get choked up when i hear someone speaking and promising the things i have hoped for from our country for a long time now. i calm myself down by reminding myself of the reality of the situation - IF this person gets elected, IF this person upholds those promises. cynicism and i have been buddies for as long as i can remember. it's a good companion when things go to shit. it's like, hey buddy, you again? and things carry on, and our government does things we don't agree with, and we scowl and spit and proclaim "i didn't vote for him!" as though that makes it okay. in a way it does - it makes it okay for you to think about other things, to change the subject and to continue with your day. muddling through and not talking about it for too long else the blood will begin to boil.

but i just sat there on my couch, letting myself hope for a few brief moments. the title "the audacity of hope" repeats in my ears. it feels good to think there may be a chance for some of the things i believe in to come to light in my lifetime. so it's a tough call - let myself hope and inflate and discuss all that i want for this world, or be cautious - because if it doesn't pan out then it's quite a distance to fall back down. the fear to vocalize your beliefs is pathetic, i know, but i'm a bit of an all or nothing person - either i escape and don't care, or i turn inside out and enrage and research and fight. i have barely fought for anything (never anything political) but i know on the few things i've worked through that i'm relatively thorough. this issue is barely in my hands though - one little vote. what does it matter in new york? it would have been more important in colorado but i'm not even registered there anymore. so it's more like thorough about the things i can control. my reason for hesitation then is: why jump into something when almost all is out of your control?

desultory!

WHAT IF i moved to chicago. or los angeles. or denver. or just sort of moved towards the general direction of the west coast every two years, hitting each of these cities in order as i go. (never been to chicago but heard good things, mostly based on viewings of my boys episodes. must visit!)

WHAT IF i spent all my labor day weekend actually laboring - painting my room in fact.

WHAT IF i painted it something other than white?

WHAT IF i asked no one to help me paint because that's akin to asking someone to help you move, the answer to which would most likely be no (though i don't understand why as i would gladly help a friend move if they asked me).

WHAT IF i got a new cell phone and tied myself to verizon for another two years instead of getting a $300 toy over at at&t like every other slob in the city.

WHAT IF i actually wrote a complete post for once? hmm? what if indeed!

neglect

investment

i know nothing

about politics
about current events
about history
about finance

i could probably keep adding to this list but i think this is plenty to confess for one day.


addendum:

sports

either

Fours: Romantics, Individualists, Aesthetes, Artists

Fours are driven by the desire to understand themselves and find a place in the world. They often fear that they have no identity or personal significance. Fours embrace individualism and are often profoundly creative and intuitive and at best they are very humane. However, they have a habit of withdrawing to internalize, searching desperately inside themselves for something they never find and creating a spiral of depression.

OR

Fives: Experts, Thinkers, Investigators, Observers

Fives are motivated by the desire to understand the facts about the world around them. Believing they are only worth what they contribute, Fives have learned to withdraw, to watch with keen eyes and speak only when they can shake the world with their observations. Sometimes they do just that. However, some Fives are known to withdraw from the world, becoming reclusive hermits and fending off social contact with abrasive cynicism. Fives fear incompetency or uselessness and want to be capable and knowledgeable above all else.


et toi?

soft

a favorite memory. my mom dances on the kitchen floor, light shuffle shuffle kick with a joking smile on her face.

bashoom bashoom
bashoom bashoom *kick*

bashoom bashoom
bashoom bashoom oop!


my voice is untrained, but i've been singing to my cat lately. small melodies, repeated and hummed until the next stanza comes to mind. growing and swelling, only for the moment and forgotten soon after. childlike lullabies, swinging waltzes, one two three. songs for a kitten. she's full grown, over five years old, and she looks at me with wide eyes and frozen cat stance. what are you doing. i'm too old for this. it doesn't work on me. yet every once in a while she meows back. i pretend that means approval for me to continue.

i am not married, i am not a mother, there is no child. it's not a desire for any of these, but it's that time and that age and who i am and it seeps out anyway. i love, i care, i give as i can.

ew

oh man. just found something i wrote over seven years ago and i was about to post it. thankfully i changed my mind. dramalama!

"i'm sick of my conclusions
arrived at but then what
let's just observe today
and take it from there"

my mind on my money, my money on my mind

fudge popcicles for breakfast is probably not the best idea, but what can you do on a budget like mine? it's amazing how obsessed with food and counting change i become at times like this. i'm going through the cupboards, looking at every thing that i usually ignore and seeing it as a possibility to eat. all the cereal has been eaten and the pasta/sauce is almost depleted. three more pbj sandwiches before that's gone. we're down to the random tub of oatmeal, jar of honey, and box of spaghetti - try making a meal out of that. in the freezer i notice bags and bags of frozen vegetables that have been untouched for centuries that could become my dinner tonight. eating less is probably a good thing anyway.

it's difficult to hang out with people because even if you warn that you can't spend any money, something always comes up that requires it. i have to parse down the difference between what i really need and what i just want but can't have. so i've given up on others and been going solo lately, doing free things. 40 mile bike ride yesterday that kicked my ass. volunteering today. drawing and collaging for the art exchange w/ my friend. i have a stack of books to read and a park nearby to read them in. so i'm trying to stay active and not get bummed about missing out on summer or the places i could go if only. i could be in LA, surfing. i could be in colorado for my friend's 30 birthday. i could be in europe, seeing it for the first time. it sucks that i'm almost 30 years old and i'm still going through this. i have no savings just in case. i'm living like a college student even though i've been out of school over two years now. the thing that depresses me is this budgeting isn't about saving up with a glorious goal to be achieved in the end like travel, it's about how i stopped being able to tread water and i'm just trying to break to the surface so i can breathe again. i am in trouble. i'm trying to work through it. the next few months are going to be rough.

meh

the dire need to nap hits me every afternoon. kind of drained lately, not sleeping well. i need to go running tonight, wear myself down to nothing so i can full on pass the fuck out. i guess there are some stresses keeping my mind buzzing, mostly money related. i have about $40 in the bank and the entire month to get through til the next paycheck. i had a thought the other day about all the different things that are out of my reach. there are just some things in life i'll never have and i should just accept that already.

even though i've had that depressing thought and it's easy to apply to anything that comes along, there is one shining possibility on the horizon - this theater thing. it's volunteering on weekends for a production in the fall and another in the spring. i would get to do set design and construction, props and special effects and a bunch of other things. this is something i've been wanting to do for a while but i had no idea how to make it happen - then it just sort of fell into my lap. i hope they will accept me, i hope they're fun and this will be as amazing as i'm imagining it to be. fingers crossed.

INFP

i have repeatedly tested as an INFP - definition here. everyone please check out this article. it explains more about me and my bizarro behaviors than i will ever be able to write myself. favorite quotes:

Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves... We can only dream that someday... it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

late night chat

she (12:39:37 AM): would you say a "fuck you" is better delivered at the top of the lungs, or under the breath?
she (12:39:45 AM): (this is not directed at you, just a general question)
he (12:40:06 AM): in what circumstances
he (12:40:08 AM): and to whom?
he (12:40:12 AM): varies wildly
she (12:40:16 AM): no circumstances and no whom
she (12:40:19 AM): okay
she (12:40:20 AM): art
she (12:40:26 AM): in art
she (12:40:35 AM): directed to no one and anyone
she (12:40:36 AM): i guess
she (12:41:40 AM): i'm trying to decide if i should make this text subtle or blast off the page
she (12:41:57 AM): i'm leaning towards subtle but meh that feels cliche as well
she (12:42:03 AM): is there any non cliche way to say fuck you
he (12:43:14 AM): i would say subtle then
he (12:43:15 AM): in art
he (12:43:38 AM): non cliche?
he (12:43:39 AM): i don't know
he (12:43:43 AM): too tired to think of one
she (12:44:54 AM): yeah me too
she (12:44:56 AM): i'm just doodling
he (12:46:17 AM): oh?
she (12:47:35 AM): i've been drawing a lot lately
she (12:48:18 AM): i can't afford to go out so i stay in, watch movies and draw
she (12:48:32 AM): it's a bit isolating but what can you do when you're broke
he (12:48:45 AM): in the summer? a fair amount.
she (12:49:23 AM): i guess
she (12:49:27 AM): maybe i don't want to go out
she (12:49:31 AM): i went out a lot in the winter
she (12:49:36 AM): i'm reverse hibernating
he (12:50:51 AM): that's awesome
she (12:51:57 AM): how is that awesome
he (12:52:02 AM): it's a great line
she (12:52:03 AM): my social skills are shrinking
she (12:52:26 AM): write a little song about it
he (12:52:28 AM): and you do your own thing
she (12:53:12 AM): do you feel any pressures of getting older
she (12:53:33 AM): like saving up for bigger things like mortgages and retirement and death
she (12:53:44 AM): and marriages and children and all those things that older people do
she (12:53:59 AM): that people our age are doing
she (12:54:04 AM): that people younger than us are doing
he (12:55:50 AM): the money part, not really.
he (12:55:55 AM): marriages and children, eh
he (12:56:13 AM): maybe a little bit to find someone i'd envision spending the rest of my life with
she (12:58:11 AM): i had a mini freak out around my birthday
she (12:58:14 AM): about all that stuff
he (12:58:51 AM): really?
he (12:58:56 AM): aw
she (12:59:10 AM): it's never really something i personally worry about, but people say things
she (12:59:30 AM): like why don't you do things like other people do them
he (1:00:24 AM): that's a good thing, i think
she (1:00:36 AM): to worry about it?
he (1:05:59 AM): no, a good thing to do your own thing
he (1:11:04 AM): what was your freakout like?
she (1:11:34 AM): hm, just looking at what i did day to day and thinking "this is it, this is my life"
she (1:11:40 AM): and then thinking where i was going
she (1:11:47 AM): and what i'm missing out on
she (1:11:56 AM): all the art i'm not doing, the stuff i see in my head that i don't put on paper
she (1:11:59 AM): not playing music anymore
she (1:12:37 AM): also just wondering about connecting with people in general, like if the way i've connected with people in the past is the way i will always continue to do so
she (1:12:44 AM): like how you make friends, lose friends
he (1:12:51 AM): yeah
he (1:12:52 AM): i know
she (1:13:01 AM): i'm constantly thinking of all the shit that i'm missing out on
he (1:13:08 AM): or things i want to do that i'm not doing
she (1:13:21 AM): yeah man i know, i had this huge talk with my dad about new orleans
she (1:13:39 AM): and how habitat for humanity is so huge down there right now and how i would love to just stop working and go volunteer for like a year
she (1:13:55 AM): give a year of my life doing construction - something i've always wanted to do and learn hands on how to build
she (1:14:15 AM): but i can't b/c i have bills and loans to pay, i have no money saved to live there
she (1:14:23 AM): but that is a huge dream for me to do and i'm missing out on it
he (1:14:28 AM): yeah
he (1:14:31 AM): i hear that
he (1:14:57 AM): traveling and playing music is what i want to do for a little while
he (1:15:09 AM): but i'm having trouble committing to the idea of it because it's so
he (1:15:11 AM): impractical
she (1:15:14 AM): i really liked when you told me one time about these musicians that you wanted to get sponsored or something
she (1:15:32 AM): or have some music venue for them to celebrate their music, but you didn't think your company would be for that
she (1:15:36 AM): i forget what it was
she (1:15:52 AM): did you ever do something for that?
she (1:15:59 AM): am i way off base in remembering?
he (1:16:34 AM): _______________________ foundation
she (1:16:38 AM): yeah that
he (1:16:40 AM): i put on a small benefit concert for them
he (1:16:46 AM): made them a little cash
he (1:16:50 AM): hopefully raised some awareness
he (1:16:58 AM): some of them are coming to nyc in a few weeks to play
she (1:17:40 AM): that's cool you did that, you followed through
he (1:19:01 AM): yeah i did
he (1:19:03 AM): that was fun
he (1:19:06 AM): nerve-wracking
he (1:19:08 AM): and i learned a lot
he (1:19:14 AM): but overall great
he (1:19:22 AM): i have to go to sleep now
she (1:19:32 AM): later
he (1:19:38 AM): g'night
he signed off at 1:19:46 AM.
he is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

and i see you and what you've done and how you speak to others and achieve. and in a way the moment i hear that i fail, i can't quite lift up to that, no matter how much i talk my own stuff up. i put my pencil down in frustration because the next step isn't coming naturally on this drawing.

i never gave you that much when we were in bed together. why now - whoever is there gets an earful, anyone anyone there

i miss the

smell of a shirt, borrowed with soft scent of him. tender kisses that grow. the attention of messages, of his gaze. pushing verbal taunts followed by a smirk, a laugh, knowing it's understood and coming right back

it's okay, blue moons are rare. see, there it goes