my roommate and her boyfriend were making sugar cookies together last night. while they were decorating them they were being all cute/loving it made me a little sick and sad at the same time.

claustrophobia

there's the chase, and once the end of guaranteed towards some sort of softer squisher romance, i freak.

it's too much communication, too much getting to know, too much high this is me nude before you on every level in every way shape and form and this is what you're going to see every day until you die because i like you and i want you and this is all of me unless you say otherwise but why would you say otherwise when we are so perfect and happy not breathing underneath this plastic bag that is running out of air? who needs air anyway let's just breathe into each other's lungs, my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath is your breath is my breath

sleeping life away

next (an unfinished list)

get new duckbill mouthpiece for clarinet, learn how to play swing and jazz clarinet music
relearn guitar (again and again)
finally start writing that book
work on pink scrap paper collage
clean room
architecture photo blog
get back into running
get back into volunteering at the animal shelter
start architecture license exams
catch up on missed tv shows
catch up on missed movies
see a concert
update resume
update portfolio
get out of bed and make it for once

so... i kind of suck and am in a bit of a dead zone. sometimes i wake up at 8am to feed my cat, think about doing this or that but am so unmotivated and just don't care that i go back to sleep until 2pm or later. there's this warm invisible barrier surrounding me, holding my arms down and closing my eyes. why bother, right? there are also post it notes surrounding my computer of things to be done, but they just sort of stack on top of each other. the only thing i've done on this list is getting back into running. that and dating, which is not even on the list and is stupid because it's a needle in the haystack situation and who wants to poke themselves with a needle anyway.

the generator

i am just a porcupine, trying my hardest not to impale myself on others.

vague notion

i finally figured it out. i don't really care that much about sex. that's just a small part of the whole. what i really want is to connect with someone intellectually - someone that inspires, critiques, challenges, encourages. he would also makes me laugh and bring me out of my occasional funk. sex is just something that comes with that package. it's not a focal point, it's just there for when we want to connect and release ourselves physically.

sad

just generally sad. tired all the time from running the show, from working more than full time at a job that doesn't utilize my intelligence fully, from not seeing my cat enough. tired that no friends are even coming to the show to see my design that i have been working on all fucking summer and fall. tired of fighting, tired of wishing people gave a shit about anything i say or do. i tried, you know? i fucking tried.

almost over

the show opens this friday. it runs two weeks. i am so fucking ready for it to be done and gone. i am tired of fighting, i am tired of losing, i am tired of people.

the director had a very determined idea about what he wanted for the set. i listened, but tried to find my own ideas. months passed and nothing came, so i relented to doing his scheme as best i could while adding my touches here and there. when i was in the workspace, i was consulted about anything built or painted. my opinion was respected and listened to because i am the set designer. i invested a lot of time and energy making everything happen according to how i saw it in my head, i dealt with a lot of stress and multiple people wanting multiple answers at once. then we moved into the theater, and the producers took over and started making changes to my design. i would go do one thing, and then come back to find that something had been changed. or find out from someone else that something i planned is no longer happening. i would question to the producers why things were changing, and get terse angry answers, in a tone that said shut up how dare you question me go away.

for days i seethed, angry at every little thing. it kept me awake at nights, it consumed my thoughts to the point of where i had to tell myself to stop. i was thinking of ways to confront, but in action the confrontations turned into pathetically voiced whys. why are you doing this to my design, to me. i would dream about grabbing the programs before opening night and blacking my name out entirely. i don't want credit for this mess. to be honest, they probably have no idea how angry i am. they probably think that everything they are doing is justified, anything to get the show on the road. oh and here's the kicker - they just tell me "the set looks great!" as a pat on the head for a job well behaved.

they got what they wanted out of me. i was a newbie, a vehicle. not brought in because of my talent but because i was easy to control. i designed the set and painted it, and from there they took it and are raping it accordingly. the creator doesn't always get to dictate how her baby gets manhandled by others. the problem of working with groups, i suppose. i have a few people on my side - the head of construction, my technical director. they side with me. they understand the reasons for the changes happening, but they are shocked at how no one is telling me anything anymore. (side note - i find it is odd how the people supporting me are men, and the ones fighting my every move and disrespecting me are women.) i see it all because i am doing running crew, chopping up dry ice for fog. wearing black and waiting in the wings for the moment that i am needed.

the costume designer (a good friend and somewhat understanding of all these issues) mentioned we go in together to get flowers for the producers. i just laughed.

so yeah. i'm ready for this to be over. designing can be fun, but never at this cost.

next (an unfinished list)

get new duckbill mouthpiece for clarinet, learn how to play swing and jazz clarinet music
relearn guitar (again and again)
finally start writing that book
work on pink scrap paper collage
clean room
architecture photo blog
get back into running
get back into volunteering at the animal shelter
start architecture license exams
catch up on missed tv shows
catch up on missed movies
see a concert

contemplating full throttle

i came across this post i made on a dating advice thread of a messageboard i read daily:

cris posted this on May 23rd, 2008 @ 8:09:16 am
i went on a dating spree for a while but i haven't gone out with anyone lately - it's too much effort/time without enough reward. i'm actually quite content with not dating anyone, just hanging out with friends or by myself or whatever. is it okay to continue with this non dating behavior or am i going to end up hating myelf when i'm older because i ended up becoming a wrinkled spinster with 40 cats because i didn't go full throttle in my youth?

(note: my name on this board is cris b/c cristina was already taken, and i couldn't be bothered to come up with a clever nickname. i do not like being called cris.)

their dating advice answer: "what is wrong with not dating? Do what you feel comfortable doing."

i'm a bit unsatisfied with this answer. of COURSE i'm not comfortable dating. dating sucks! so while it's correct, i guess, it still makes me say "i guess."

it's all the same

10:54:13 AM | c: so i just noticed that a friend of mine, who tried to set me up with this guy friend of hers... just posted pictures of his wedding to some chick on facebook
10:54:25 AM | t: woah
10:54:29 AM | t: how long ago did he get married?
10:54:34 AM | c: granted, the setup was some two or three years ago but still it's like, whoooosh everyone is beating me to the end of this race
10:54:41 AM | t: oh
10:54:52 AM | c: he just got married. so nothing weird about it, except for the fact that i fail at (love) life
10:54:57 AM | t: thats not some kind of whirlwind
10:55:21 AM | t: sweet dreams are made of these...
10:55:23 AM | c: what? sure it is. everyone is getting married, even losers that i've rejected
10:55:33 AM | t: haha so losers end up with losers
10:55:39 AM | t: you gotta rise above
10:55:47 AM | c: i know, i do
10:55:51 AM | c: but it's lonely on top
10:56:02 AM | t: tell me about it
10:56:04 AM | c: WOE
10:56:04 AM | t: haha

people get up, go to work. they have lunch, they get stressed out, they get off work, they relax. they sleep they shit they eat. an accident happens, people are effected, people go back to normal. people fall in love or just fall into the moment or convenience of whoever is handy. it's special and they have a wedding and the next person has a wedding and for a period in your life you are flying across the country on a regular basis to attend wedding after wedding. almost everyone hits that point where the focus of life transitions from everyone everywhere down to one single person. the focal point narrows like a vagina canal, and the light at the end of the tunnel is the next generation of people that haven't fucked up (yet), that supposedly can make a difference on this earth and make something really new happen because you mucked around too much to do anything of true significance. you will blab about your babies, you will lose yourself and give over to your last sunny shining chance that will in the end fuck up just as much as you did.

nothing different will happen. people will live and die, even your delicate babies. buildings will fall, rust always wins, people will be smart and stupid and rush about but even they will rot. nothing changes, not on a grand scale. it's the experience i suppose, the little details and synapses firing at precious moments where we fail and learn and move - but when you step back and see the whole pattern laid out before you it's really kind of boring and pointless.

disturbed

the paragraph below is descriptive of violent acts towards animals, but the ones after that are not. do not click the link unless you think you can handle it. be warned.

there was a video i saw today. it was a video of a "fur farm" in china. foxes, minks, wolves - lined up in cages to be killed for their fur. yet as the video went on, it showed not the usual deplorable conditions by which the animals were contained, but rather the inhumane treatment they received upon the harvesting of their fur. as in, to subdue them they were bludgeoned with blunt objects to the head, or their bodies swung by their hind legs and their heads smashed on the ground. some had their heads stepped on. their fur was taken from their bodies while they were still alive, and they were left alive and placed in "discard" piles after their fur and skin were removed. some of these animals continued to move and struggle to survive, even with injuries to the head, even with mutilated limbs, even without their skin and fur.

i have never before seen something of this nature. i was at work when i watched this, not realizing what i was about to see. what i continue to see. i try to go about my day and my mind keeps flashing back to the images i described above. it was pure horror, and it's real. in another country this is happening, again and again. there are people that think this is okay. everyone goes about their day thinking "well that's shocking" but they continue about their day. i had to go to the workspace and paint the set for the show, and i looked around and realized it was all so stupid. all of it is so pointless. what do i do in my life that really means anything? how do people not see what this is, how are people not stopped in their tracks by this insanity? how are people not freaking out like i am?

those that know me would understand how i feel about animals, and would understand my reaction to animal cruelty. yet it doesn't seem to be that many people know me anymore. i tried to bring it up with this friend, who went about playing devil's advocate. i tried to bring it up with that friend, who quickly changed the subject and continued smiling and joking as though i had not said anything at all. it's like i don't connect with people about this huge subject that's important to me, and i hide it most of the time. the michael vick thing really set me off, starting up a stupid facebook war between acquaintances that just don't get it. now this. i am outraged, freaking out, crying, angry, shaking with rage and upset in a way i've never felt before. this is so so wrong. i love animals. i believe they are equal with human beings and exist on a different level than we do. they are trapped with us on this earth that we contaminate and we continue to harm them again and again. i don't know how to explain, or why i bother trying to explain to others. some just don't get it or value them as i do.

how we get by. i know my mind is going to desensitize. i know i was raised comfortably and softly. i like things tender and cute and sweet and safe. i have never fought for anything in my life and wouldn't know the first thing about starting now. should i change everything to save the animals? pack up? move to china, yell in english to chinese people that their way of life is wrong? i can't even begin to see it as right. there are no rationalizations in my mind that work for this, so don't even try to make sense with me. i haven't been shaken this badly before, i haven't been left with this searing image in my mind that leaves me in tears. everyone has a core, their main love and their main defense. everyone can be broken.

rooting for the underdog

my life has become consumed by the theater for the fall season once again. i vacillate between loving and hating the work, the people. the two that hurt me this summer hover around, pretending to be my friend. their fake hellos and how-are-you-doings - it is all i can do to refrain from smashing their faces in with my fist. smile, bitch.

every fall we invite new people to join and as we recently went through new member interviews i was on the committee. i am fairly disgusted with people because of this experience. the process is supposed to find the right match for our group, to weed out the crazies and the lazies. yet after the past few nights have gone on, the decision making was based less on a person's initiative and more about how bubbly, how personable, and how cool they presented themselves. gossip ran rampant and it got ugly. anyone with questionable social skills was put into the 'maybe' pile. the only thing to rescue them from the maybe pile was if they had skills we could use. we don't actually limit entry b/c of skills, however - if you have the energy we are more than willing to teach you how to use power tools, how to sew. yet if you can't smile, if you're nervous or don't give off the right vibe - off with your head.

i try to keep my excitement about this group. when new potential members come in, i highlight the great things that we do, and what we get from it. the more you put in the more you get out. it's all for a good cause, for charity. we're saving the world, one musical production at a time, blah blah blah. sometimes i truly care again and i wish things could be squeaky new like it is for these people. truth is, i am burned out - by people and by how much they use me, and use me, and use me until i'm drained dry. they see me as a dedicated trouper, they see me as someone who is committed. they don't know how that changed, how it rots. it's a love/hate thing, it's confusing for me. i'm not sure i want to continue, i don't know what will take its place.

towards the end of last night we had to split people into yes and no piles. i found myself rooting for the underdog, but actually too tired to fight the entire room for people i barely knew. it was the whole concept, the nitpicking of people that are lacking social grace. i know these types of people well. i'm kind of lucky that i have some talent, that this is how i get by. i have tried my hardest to fit in and learn the right things to say, learn to smile more and force energy that doesn't come naturally. i can see why people like my brothers (who have social problems) can get frustrated after years of trying to get by in the world. why the escape to the bottle, or the video game. sometimes it's better to pretend or find somewhere else that you belong than to continue to get by in a world that has made it clear that it doesn't want you or need you.

the bitches i mentioned above get by just fine. they are loved and heralded by many, even though once you have the extreme pleasure to get to know them, you realize behind their friendly facades they are slackers and bitches. yeah, let's keep them around. worthy enough for this group indeed.

stfu

wah wah angsty blah blah.

seriously what the hell. i don't just need an editor, i need an axe man to chop this shit up and out.

the current

the way things work and the speed and direction it moves leaves me constantly trying. stagnant and stifled (place) or careening faster than comfort (people) - one way or the other it's rarely neutral, no quiet center. i realize it's all in my head, and that if i just let go everything will work itself out. logically i know this, but it doesn't feel right to just give up.

"The older I get, the more I realize that age doesn't bring wisdom - it brings weary."

disassociation

there is something really refreshing about music that you have been avoiding listening to for a while (because it brings up memories of a specific circumstance with a specific someone) and upon that moment of listening you come to realize it doesn't bother you anymore - you can love the music once again for what it is and not of what it reminds you.

zen

i have no idea where it came from, but i am feeling an odd contentment right now. i just stopped caring about a lot of things and lookie lookie, all is well. things will change and progress, people will come and go, the majority of all that is here now will be gone in time. i'm okay with that.

killed it

i was excited to have found the troupe, to learn about set design, to build. i was excited when only a few seasons later i was asked to be the set designer. i got a sketchbook, i read the play and listened to the soundtrack. it was going to be fabulous.

now i couldn't care less. i just want it overwith, and i often think about quitting the troupe altogether. it's amazing how two people can make you hate an entire organization so much - but it's not just them. it's the whole way things were dealt with. the "i'm not gunna take sides" bullshit. right, let's pretend that everything is hunky dory and that i wasn't used as a giant doormat. by proxy, you not taking sides is basically saying that it's okay that i was used as a doormat. so yeah, fuck you too.

i know that my previous purges in life have also left me empty - lacking friends or any sort of support system. yet i find it difficult to move on and not let things bother me. what was done was wrong and the anger that i have is still there, raging very strong. if i see people again, i don't know how i'm going to act. it vaguely reminds me of when my old blog was found out - everyone in the school knew about it and was reading it. i felt so very out of control, and that everyone had an advantage over me. i'm not sure what the advantage is in this new scenario, but i think it's akin to people knowing they can hurt me and pretend like nothing happened. perhaps they think i am no one of consequence. sometimes i want to fuck them over and not do the set design, so they have to scramble to get their shit together - that'll teach them something about consequences. burn the whole place down and find something better to occupy my time.

i can't do that though. i can't punish the entire group for what only a handful of people did. i do still want to hurt someone though. yes, that would be glorious. we'll see how this fall turns out. as i get older, i have a tighter reign on my urges to bite someone's head off. hopefully i can keep it in until a key moment, released with a few choice key words - to tear down the shit that's been raging inside of me since the month of may. i hate that they've ruined this for me. i hate that i can't let it go and not ruin it myself. i guess i'm not the bigger person in this situation. oh well.

that fleeting fancy known as love

my new roommate's boyfriend just broke up with her. she is the nicest person, so when she came by my room in tears i listened. a lot of things she said sounded so familiar to me - when a guy grows cold and distant, how you have no control over how they feel about you, how when you finally meet someone and you desperately want to believe yes this is it i can stop looking and start opening myself up. only to have that gone, out of your hands. it is slowly dawning on me that love ending is a not-if-but-when type scenario. i've been there, done that - too many times. seen warning signs and put hopes up in their place. i'm glad it's not me right now. i finally have a new job, i am adjusting to my insane work schedule and excessive daily tiredness and the few scraps of santiy/rest i can find inbetween. my life is full. i wish i could say the same for her - i gave her some of my ambien so hopefully a good night's rest will dull the pain a little.

i wonder what implosion tastes like

for some reason, when i tuck back in and focus on what's going on inside my head, i have the inability to smile or communicate with any sort of presence. my voice is soft and doesn't carry as air conditioning leaves my throat raspy. my lips, pursed in a frown of thought are stiff and unable to broaden fast enough into a proper smile - i actually have to do stretches to be ready to shine. who has time for that? the smile of course doesn't hold, my thoughts drift back to wherever i left off and then there is no use for it. the introversion leaves me off guard, unaware of how i am presenting myself or what is going on around me. it's good to snap back out of it once in a while, but isn't always something that comes naturally without a lot of booze or practice.

how much do you give

your motives, their motives, their movie, their fiction and stories they spin. how does it spin, what makes it move and at what rate and who is treasured enough to be at the calm center watching the blurry entertainment fly by. how well you hang onto the roundabout, how many times can you handle going around, centripetal force pulling you out and flinging the remains off into space.

your motives, your desires and energy burning through page after page of blank paper. a page with writing, a plot that you're convinced will yield theme and content - yet in a pile up in flames, all the same every time. everyone is in heat, especially in the summer. when it rains, it pours paper - and the way they warm the city is with giant pyres for book burning. your story their story our story - ban it all to hell, everything must go, profuse sweating to purge while a sick nausea builds.

how much do you give, is it what you get or do hopes weigh more on the scale than the delivered package that doesn't even arrive. wallowing for what - what doesn't exist? with fading energy to get to an age where for one reason or another to mutter "why bother" and eventually admit that these delusions don't work anymore. why bother, who cares, i sure don't. it's merely disappointing and exhausting to face reality head on. no big epiphany, just "oh."

which i think is why i am here, escaping. not ready yet.

regardless of this monster headache

things are on an upswing. a job offer (accepted) and an amazing date on thursday just started the weekend off on the right foot. i'm entertained by a video game, found some great new books to read, and i'm supposed to go on a huge bike ride in about four hours (we'll see how this headache is doing). new job starts monday, so i'm back at it and filling up the bank account once more.

oh i suppose the only other downside to things right now is that the director is dictating the set design (using a design from a previous show he did) and rejecting all my ideas to improve on it or make it different or something that involves a wisp of creativity, so it's basically his design. which bores the crap out of me, and makes me not want to take credit for it. it's a bit late now to speak up, and it's not like i have any all inclusive fabulous ideas that could replace what he wants done. i'm sure asking the program people not to list me as set designer will cause all sorts of fuss, oh what you're not happy with the design? no shit i'm not. fuck. i can't wait for this crap to be done and all this clutter off my desk.

anyway. things are changing and it's about fucking time.

the stuff that brings on panic attacks

these days i often start by making a list. the list begins with what is in my bank account. then down the list are all the expenses throughout the month, and what deposits are coming in. working through the math the numbers dwindle and i start to panic. i look at my credit card (which is almost maxed) to see how much more i can use over there. the looking-into-every-trash-can-for-scraps method and cashing in jars of coins to make grocery money - which is always the flexible amount that gets reduced to zero once all the other expenses have gone through.

things are getting really, really tight. i was at a free concert the other day, and while the music drifted my mind was trying to do this sort of math. it's a special sort of anxiety that is hard to block out. i start having thoughts about the mistakes i've made, from purchasing the expensive organic milk to going out too much with friends to putting off my student loans too many times. i'm spoiled, and i've been selfish. i should have sacrificed more and now i'm really paying for it.

i wanted a career, i wanted to be an architect that would blaze around the office with ideas and design. i never knew that it would always boil down to the dollar, that my cost was too much and i was let go. i thought i was making something of myself, i thought that with a few more years and with time i would eventually get some respect and money in my field to pay back all that i've taken. now i'm 30, unemployed, struggling to pay the bills, and i'm crying a lot of the time because everything feels so out of control. it's way worse now than it was when i was scraping by and eating pbj in college. the level of pathetic expands and feeds on fear and seems to have no bounds.

this probably makes it worse, but i've started thinking about what i want to come. i want an outdoor garden. a piano. a dog. i've been reading a lot of travel blogs, watching the travel channel, and this where the hell is matt video on repeat. with that video i just start bawling, i'm not sure why, but it's this really oppressive feeling of being so incredibly trapped that overwhelms me. people say as an architect i should see europe, and i agree, but i've been wanting to see europe for so many years now. i just don't ever have the money. some people just don't understand that concept. "just save up for a while! use a credit card! backpack on the cheap!" it's not a matter of backpacking on the cheap, or starting at zero and saving up from there. it's that i am in such great debt that there is no such thing as saving. doing nothing isn't even free - living, being alive, standing still and breathing costs money. constantly owing. when everything is valued by the dollar, and you owe every dollar to someone else - what is your worth?

ice cream and cake and cake

was gunna post a real downer of a post, maybe i'll do that later. but for now...

do the ice cream and cake

version 3 point 0

today is the day. i ran away from new york to the beach, to get away from lingering anger and an oppressing job. most moments i can let go and appreciate the now, but standing in the ocean i started crying because i knew i really couldn't get away. that wednesday is coming and the crush of that impending tidal wave is bigger than anything here down in florida. i just wanted to regroup before facing it - it may not have been the best idea financially or otherwise, but no sense regretting decisions of the past.

i'm in a house with a family that is welcoming and makes sure i have towels and food and a good night's sleep. they talk and yell and tug and war, radios and tvs blaring in every room. nonsense mostly but with it comes love. not something my own family is lacking, exactly, but it's nice to hear once in a while. it's overwhelming. mostly i prefer silence. it's hard to think or write or draw with all this noise and everyone talking on top of each other. my mom and dad only call me once a year, on my birthday. i am looking forward to hearing their voices.

different note - from the secret language of birthdays book:

"The highs June 22 people feel are truly as intense as religious or drug experiences. Unfortunately their lows may be equally weighty and deep, and consequently they may suffer anxiety and depression. After several disappointments, those born on this day may begin to steel themselves to the world and to close off to their lovers by becoming more covert in their motives or actions. The danger is that as the years pass they will increasingly isolate themselves in a dream world where they infuse memories with a still greater romance than they once did the actual events in their lives...

"Many born on this day sail along on an uncharted course of desires or fantasy, searching always for the next exhalted state (albiet unreal). More highly developed June 22 people will eventually wish to gather their ego and develop a higher form of consciousness. It is only through practice of a higher awareness, that is, simply observing what is happening around and inside them moment to moment, that June 22 people can stop endlessly repeating themselves."

i find that last paragraph to be a copout bullshit answer. then again it's just a book, and printing a guide to anything in a book as a recipe for life is also a recipe for disaster. speaking of repeating oneself, i may have posted from that book on here in a previous incarnation of this blog. it's good to quote, but it's not whole.

be well, my few readers. i'll post more soon.

introducing...

another blog! this one is all about architecture.

http://archlovenyc.blogspot.com/

wooden arms

patrick watson - wooden arms.

i'm done

standing still against the stream of laughter, smiles, and flow of dialogue. observing, detached. by not obeying social rules there is a freedom/shell/safety, but there is also a price of anger from those whose worlds require you to follow

happy day, dude

i turn 30 in a few weeks. given the failed attempts in the past years at any sort of birthday celebration, i've kind of given up on the whole idea. some people can just pull things together and get people excited and as much as i wish i could do it, i'm just not one of those magnetic people. i haven't told anyone that it's coming up (although my coworkers may find out if they look at my file) and to be honest i just want to get out of town to avoid the depression that it causes. i had plans to go to LA or denver to meet up with a friend, but she's so busy right now she can't even return phone calls or emails to discuss details of the trip. the cost is high too, so i think i'm just not going to go. i should really stop caring altogether. i'm hitting an age where this shit doesn't matter anymore, right?

what's next

hello hello!

i think it's time to start writing again. everything is running, turning, and since my memory is lacking it'll be nice to have something for my future self to reference. i also think this is why i take so many pictures.

i find as i go through life i lose a lot of people, but i am also getting better at gaining them too. it helps to think back on those that i lost, from the moment things ended and how painful it was, to now and how i couldn't care less. it's good to know that things get better over time. it also helps to think forward, of all the people that i have yet to meet. how every time i move i know no one, but after a while i can look around and there is always someone there.

so could i move again? not sure yet. i'm here for another year. i keep thinking about hitting 30 and trying to figure out what's next. first, i want a different job. i know where i am now is definitely not the type of architecture i want to do for the rest of my life. i also know i want to get licensed, the sooner the better. i'll probably start studying for my exams this summer, if i can buckle down and get focused. once i'm licensed i feel like i'll know more, and be able to get more respect than your average cad monkey. an official architect, rubber stamp and all. i also want to live alone again at some point - while i love having other people around for company, i'm just tired of tiptoeing around my own home. i'd prefer to have a quiet place i can retreat to where there is absolutely zero bullshit to put up with.

not sure what else. i made something, a random piece of art, that had me laughing for quite a bit. the "ohh i'm so clever" type self congratulations. not everyone gets it either, but that's not important. i wish i could hit that all the time. or that i was inspired to make art all the time. i do have some set design to get started on for this fall, so that'll keep me occupied for a while.

other than that there isn't really anything planned. just some more of the day to day type of living, which is okay for now.

checking in

spring has finally arrived, and with it came fresh air filling lungs like balloons that lift up up and away. the color green has returned to the world's palette in every shade - a light tender green, almost translucent starts off the races.

mum's the word lately, for no reason other than the pleasure of quiet. i could complain about this or that, the past or present. sometimes i do, but not here. not anymore. i don't know the reason for continuing, other than i have always liked that i have a place to write called escapekey. it's hard to let go of a clever moment and a comfortable retreat, but is that purpose enough? words leave and drawing takes its place. i have no scanner, nor desire to share. so this is where i shrug and end the post.

receiving

i don't want to give anything.

personal motivation

it's a hard thing to find sometimes, for just about anything these days. job hunting, portfolio making, exercise. however i think that discipline is the most important thing to try and develop.

pepe le pew and penelope

my dad has this shirt of pepe le pew. i forget what it says on it, but he'll wear it and chase my mom around the house like she's the poor black and white cat from the warner brothers skit. it's funny, and flirty, and unreal. he laughs and she screeches and they both become young again. it's amazing and i don't understand it. you'd think i'd follow in these footsteps, right? sometimes i think the reason i reject a lot of bullshit or have high standards is because nothing i have come across will ever amount to that simple, pure and silly love. i am desperate at times, especially after a bottle of wine, and i'm stupid and hopeless and maybe if i hold out i can experience that someday...?

live long and prosper

right before i lost my job i went to my doctor for an annual to make sure all was well before i lost my health insurance. i got a call a few weeks later from the doc saying that actually, some stuff had come back abnormal and that i needed to come in for more tests. i told her i was now unemployed without insurance and that i'm not sure i could afford more tests. she replied by saying based on the initial tests it was really important to come in again. so when i hung up the phone i thought about it. i emailed the office manager at my old work (who is only coming in one day a week now to do billing stuff) asking him if it was possible to continue my health insurance. he said it hadn't lapsed yet and that if i paid for it all myself ($450/month) i could keep it going for the month of february provided i paid the firm in a timely manner.

so i called up the doc and made an appt. i went this morning. she had to take some biopsies and is going to let me know in a week what the lab reports are and what the next step is going to need to be. so we wait. i am somewhat concerned about that, but more concerned as i'm not sure i can continue to afford health insurance at a job i no longer work at. i've never really had a health issue like this before either. most of it is out of my control, so my level of worry isn't that high. i'm young and i'm sure things will turn out just fine.

exclamation points

it's 57 degrees outside! BIKE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

open letter

i was writing an email to my parents and i started getting sad. i was just trying to update them on my job hunting efforts, which transitioned into me describing my days, which transitioned into me confessing about how much i miss architecture. i miss drawing, and visualizing space, and hunting through catalogs, and solving problems and sketching them out, and coordinating plans. i know it sounds silly, but i know what i am. i was lucky to figure it out early in life. i just miss it, and all my time instead is spent not doing it but rather scrambling to get it back.

unemployment deployment

chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOOOO CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

all about the UNEMP train express! activities include sleeping in til noon, watching marathon episodes of how i met your mother, working on my own shit for once. not bad, eh? i mean, sure i haven't really seen much of the outside world, i have intense cabin fever, and my life is at all standstill - but all is good. yeah, all that needs to happen now is for this sinus infection to go away, my voice to come back, the temperature outside to stay above 40 degrees, and my bank account to magically double in size every couple of weeks. oh and an interview or hell even a rejection email would be nice!

yep. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhh. nothing doing here.

keep on keepin on

my progress with my portfolio and website is slower than i'd like, but it's hard to work when i don't have anyone of authority keeping the pressure on. there is a more subtle pressure of personal anxiety that is building, and eventually that will turn to motivation. i do have a basic idea of how the website and portfolio are going to relate to each other, and i feel like getting the website together first is going to help the portfolio (which i have been stuck on how to make better) come to completion. so i think, sometimes things turn out different than i expect once i start really working on them. i have a printer now, finally, so i can do all my work here if i wanted. i have all the tools and ideas, i just need to get to work.

i've been applying for jobs i qualify for, and jobs i don't quite qualify for, but there is still more that can be done - create a profile on linkedin, monster.com, searching government job postings and corporate company listings. the cover letters are the hardest part and what trips me up most of the time.

what i really want to do right now though is to just go outside for a run. i need to get out and breathe fresh air once a day, walk amongst the living and pretend like i still belong.

fuck the naysayers

i've been feeling pretty good til now. it's nice to have a change of pace, it's nice to move on from a job where i was comfortable but stagnant. it's not nice to not have a paycheck, but money isn't everything for me. it's stressful, but it isn't everything. job hunting is always #1, but there's also plenty of time now to do the things i haven't had a chance to do which is awesome.

so i'm floating along, relaxed but running around getting more things done than i ever have when i hear this -

"there are no jobs."
"our industry is fucked."
"we're all going to end up working at mcdonalds if we can find work at all."
etc.

seriously, shut the fuck up. if one more person says "it's gunna get worse before it gets better" i'm going to scream. you think i need to hear that shit right now? you think i want to hear even more negative shit than is already stewing and rotting everyday in the news? no thank you. i am working hard to get myself together and i'm not going to stop just because you're a case of fucking sour grapes and have nothing good to bring to the table. way to bring everyone else around you down. even after i request that we not talk about it, and you continue to be a fucking downer... you're just setting me up to want to strangle you! yeah i know it's hard, but it's not impossible. talking about the dire situation of the world does NOTHING to help it! it only increases the lack of confidence that has been snowballing since last year. everybody wants to see the apocalypse for some reason, wasting all this time predicting it and repeating what has been said about it - and i just don't get why we need to carry on about it. it's not the end of the world until you make it the end of the world, which a lot of people are doing by giving up hope and expecting me to give up too. well i refuse, so fuck all you naysayers.

i'm not trying to remain ignorant. i am going to move forward by trying hard and exploring every opportunity i can. people just need to have a little fucking faith and goodwill or just need to not speak at all.

</end rant>

a perk, i guess

staying up til 3am because i don't have to work tomorrow. i ordered business cards, but i'm still struggling with my resume though and i haven't touched my portfolio yet. ugh. so much to do tomorrow - unemployment, sallie mae, and all that other shit. fuckeroo mates.

the next stage of life

well, the other shoe has finally dropped. i'd like to say it's onwards and upwards from here, but i have my doubts about that.

how it should work vs how it does work

i just have to respond to these comments i didn't notice were there:
http://www.haloscan.com/comments/nevayl/8038217514024016585/

and those comments were generated from my post here:
http://escapekey.blogspot.com/2008/12/anger-then-discomfort-then-laughter.html

first, my thoughts on biking in new york - yes it's dangerous. you have to be a defensive AND an offensive rider. people here can be pretty aggressive on the street. i am well aware that cyclists are not allowed onto the sidewalk. i am also well aware that cyclists are supposed to follow the rules of the road, but you will be hard pressed to find a new yorker that actually follows these rules. for most cyclists, we adapt the rules to suit riding a bike. two big rule breakers: we treat red lights as stop signs and stop signs as yellow lights, and use the space around cars to overtake and ride in (either on the double yellows or - even more dangerous - on the other side between stationary and moving cars).

these two major violators may give rise to some arguments, but let me explain - to stop at every red light and stop sign at every block in this city when on a bike is retarded. literally. half of the reason of riding a bike is to move faster than a pedestrian (it would take me over an hour to walk to work but it takes half an hour to ride to it) but you can't do this if you have to stop every other minute and lose your momentum. here is an example of how people ride in this city - a cautious rider approaches a light/sign, looks both ways, and adjusts their behavior to each intersection according to the current circumstances of the vehicles/pedestrians that are there at that moment. lights and signs are secondary information, used to understand the probable behavior of those vehicles/pedestrians. if there is no one there, you pass through regardless of the light. if you see someone coming, you gauge their speed and "body" language to determine if the way is clear or if you should wait.

since the streets here are very narrow, riding to the left of a moving car in this city usually puts you on the double yellows and (if it's a two way) very close to oncoming traffic. you'd think this is dangerous, but the other alternative is to ride behind/in front of cars and antagonize drivers for not going fast enough or to potentially get hit by those not paying attention. the other option (in my opinion worse) is to ride on the right of the car stream and get stopped by double parked cars or risk potential injury by getting doored. bike lanes are often contradictory as to which side is proper to ride on as they exist on both the right and left side of the street, depending on whether it's a one way and where there was space to paint them. each street has its own circumstances and you judge as best you can which side is safest for you. personally, i prefer streets with bike lanes and try to ride those the most.

the reason i explain these informal but commonly practiced adjustments to the system is this - bikes are not cars. we are not as large as cars, we are not as visible as cars, we do not have the speed of cars, we do not maneuver the same as cars, we are fragile and not protected with hundreds of pounds of metal like cars. we cannot kill like cars. so while it is easy to stuff us into the category of "behave like cars", you have to realize you are asking an entire group of people to behave in a vehicular category where they do not belong. laws are just an initial guide on how to behave. i have always grumbled that we need our own system, one in conjunction with the car system and the pedestrian system - but it does not exist. we are in between, though there are bits and pieces of progress such as bike lanes, bike racks, bike awareness. yet signals and signs are not made for us or how we move. the law may say as it does, but that doesn't mean it works well for us or that people will follow it. this is the reason we continue to adjust the category that we are thrust in. sure, you can ticket and sue people for not behaving according to law, but isn't it better to create rule systems that suit everyone instead of penalizing one specific group because they operate differently? i'd love to see how a traffic system could actually incorporate all three systems safely without compromising on what we need to move efficiently.

when i griped in my last post about the pedestrian jaywalking, i did not care that they jaywalked. what i cared about is that they were not keeping themselves aware (ie looking, listening) when placing themselves on a dangerous street where something could hit them. jaywalk all you want, but watch the fuck out for ANY kind of moving thing. it's not about giving one system priority over the other - it's about having the systems keep in check with the other systems, so that accidents do not occur. (i was doing my part by watching for peds and yelling caution but she failed on her part because she had headphones on and wasn't looking both ways.) you can make rules to protect peds til the cows come home, but if they go jumping into traffic because they assume their fragile bodies are protected by laws then eventually someone is gunna die. laws are words on a page that do not physically at the moment protect you - keeping yourself aware at all times is what protects you. everyone is responsible, everyone has to be defensive and awake to all that is going on around them.

for your consideration - bike laws of nyc.

also to note - i have never been pulled over or ticketed nor have i heard of anyone getting in trouble with any new york cops other than one friend who got yelled at for riding on the sidewalk. i don't even know if delivery guys on bikes ever get ticketed for all the riding in the wrong way and on sidewalks (they are well known for this.) i think nyc cops have better things to do anyway.

also another note, unrelated to the subject of this post - i'm probably not going to realize or respond to comments in posts more than ten days after i've posted it. it was random coincidence that i noticed these comments at all.

places you just don't belong

i was at a dinner the other night with five other people. topics of discussion were politics, news, meat (steak, duck, chicken, fish), james bond movies, coffee, and a couple other things that i don't know because i tuned out at that point. it's not that i don't have respect for the people discussing these things - they are all nice and have good intentions. i just don't like these things, so i don't really know much about them and i have no idea how to contribute. so i'm kind of speechless.

yeah.

how is no one online right now to talk to

i guess i forgot it's friday night and most people aren't staying in to work on their resumes like me but man, this misery could use some company. i look at these listings, and it's sad how i'm ready to just lower down and take whatever. cad operator? seriously? operator like calculator like function like robot? why don't they just call it what it is - cad monkey. at least there's some humor there, some truth. are there really people out there that have years of experience doing this and only this, minion nothing evil soulsucking... seriously? if i do this, if i put this energy in and smile and spruce up the resume and the portfolio and work hard and sing and dance and plead and all for a yes! an offer, a moment of glory! but for what...

other words - drafter. unpaid. minimum more experience than i have required. tons of skills required for little to no pay.

and today! at work! the clients from hell are back, the people who picked the worst fucking sexist/racist contractor that i have ever met! they want their kitchen done, in theory, just like last year, in theory, and guess what! they don't want to pay for it! we budget the project, they want it on the cheap! fucking louses, thinking they can rape the building industry just because it's on its knees begging for scraps... why i oughta!!! people suck! it all sucks! hell and handbaskets with express delivery. can you see, can you see why i don't even want to begin

mad men

some of the sexist parts of this show are so unbelievable, but then some are so eerily familiar.

i go back to work on monday. i am not looking forward to it at all.