every key is the ESC

Thursday, January 29, 2009

keep on keepin on

my progress with my portfolio and website is slower than i'd like, but it's hard to work when i don't have anyone of authority keeping the pressure on. there is a more subtle pressure of personal anxiety that is building, and eventually that will turn to motivation. i do have a basic idea of how the website and portfolio are going to relate to each other, and i feel like getting the website together first is going to help the portfolio (which i have been stuck on how to make better) come to completion. so i think, sometimes things turn out different than i expect once i start really working on them. i have a printer now, finally, so i can do all my work here if i wanted. i have all the tools and ideas, i just need to get to work.

i've been applying for jobs i qualify for, and jobs i don't quite qualify for, but there is still more that can be done - create a profile on linkedin, monster.com, searching government job postings and corporate company listings. the cover letters are the hardest part and what trips me up most of the time.

what i really want to do right now though is to just go outside for a run. i need to get out and breathe fresh air once a day, walk amongst the living and pretend like i still belong.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

fuck the naysayers

i've been feeling pretty good til now. it's nice to have a change of pace, it's nice to move on from a job where i was comfortable but stagnant. it's not nice to not have a paycheck, but money isn't everything for me. it's stressful, but it isn't everything. job hunting is always #1, but there's also plenty of time now to do the things i haven't had a chance to do which is awesome.

so i'm floating along, relaxed but running around getting more things done than i ever have when i hear this -

"there are no jobs."
"our industry is fucked."
"we're all going to end up working at mcdonalds if we can find work at all."
etc.

seriously, shut the fuck up. if one more person says "it's gunna get worse before it gets better" i'm going to scream. you think i need to hear that shit right now? you think i want to hear even more negative shit than is already stewing and rotting everyday in the news? no thank you. i am working hard to get myself together and i'm not going to stop just because you're a case of fucking sour grapes and have nothing good to bring to the table. way to bring everyone else around you down. even after i request that we not talk about it, and you continue to be a fucking downer... you're just setting me up to want to strangle you! yeah i know it's hard, but it's not impossible. talking about the dire situation of the world does NOTHING to help it! it only increases the lack of confidence that has been snowballing since last year. everybody wants to see the apocalypse for some reason, wasting all this time predicting it and repeating what has been said about it - and i just don't get why we need to carry on about it. it's not the end of the world until you make it the end of the world, which a lot of people are doing by giving up hope and expecting me to give up too. well i refuse, so fuck all you naysayers.

i'm not trying to remain ignorant. i am going to move forward by trying hard and exploring every opportunity i can. people just need to have a little fucking faith and goodwill or just need to not speak at all.

</end rant>

Monday, January 26, 2009

a perk, i guess

staying up til 3am because i don't have to work tomorrow. i ordered business cards, but i'm still struggling with my resume though and i haven't touched my portfolio yet. ugh. so much to do tomorrow - unemployment, sallie mae, and all that other shit. fuckeroo mates.

Friday, January 23, 2009

the next stage of life

well, the other shoe has finally dropped. i'd like to say it's onwards and upwards from here, but i have my doubts about that.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

how it should work vs how it does work

i just have to respond to these comments i didn't notice were there:
http://www.haloscan.com/comments/nevayl/8038217514024016585/

and those comments were generated from my post here:
http://escapekey.blogspot.com/2008/12/anger-then-discomfort-then-laughter.html

first, my thoughts on biking in new york - yes it's dangerous. you have to be a defensive AND an offensive rider. people here can be pretty aggressive on the street. i am well aware that cyclists are not allowed onto the sidewalk. i am also well aware that cyclists are supposed to follow the rules of the road, but you will be hard pressed to find a new yorker that actually follows these rules. for most cyclists, we adapt the rules to suit riding a bike. two big rule breakers: we treat red lights as stop signs and stop signs as yellow lights, and use the space around cars to overtake and ride in (either on the double yellows or - even more dangerous - on the other side between stationary and moving cars).

these two major violators may give rise to some arguments, but let me explain - to stop at every red light and stop sign at every block in this city when on a bike is retarded. literally. half of the reason of riding a bike is to move faster than a pedestrian (it would take me over an hour to walk to work but it takes half an hour to ride to it) but you can't do this if you have to stop every other minute and lose your momentum. here is an example of how people ride in this city - a cautious rider approaches a light/sign, looks both ways, and adjusts their behavior to each intersection according to the current circumstances of the vehicles/pedestrians that are there at that moment. lights and signs are secondary information, used to understand the probable behavior of those vehicles/pedestrians. if there is no one there, you pass through regardless of the light. if you see someone coming, you gauge their speed and "body" language to determine if the way is clear or if you should wait.

since the streets here are very narrow, riding to the left of a moving car in this city usually puts you on the double yellows and (if it's a two way) very close to oncoming traffic. you'd think this is dangerous, but the other alternative is to ride behind/in front of cars and antagonize drivers for not going fast enough or to potentially get hit by those not paying attention. the other option (in my opinion worse) is to ride on the right of the car stream and get stopped by double parked cars or risk potential injury by getting doored. bike lanes are often contradictory as to which side is proper to ride on as they exist on both the right and left side of the street, depending on whether it's a one way and where there was space to paint them. each street has its own circumstances and you judge as best you can which side is safest for you. personally, i prefer streets with bike lanes and try to ride those the most.

the reason i explain these informal but commonly practiced adjustments to the system is this - bikes are not cars. we are not as large as cars, we are not as visible as cars, we do not have the speed of cars, we do not maneuver the same as cars, we are fragile and not protected with hundreds of pounds of metal like cars. we cannot kill like cars. so while it is easy to stuff us into the category of "behave like cars", you have to realize you are asking an entire group of people to behave in a vehicular category where they do not belong. laws are just an initial guide on how to behave. i have always grumbled that we need our own system, one in conjunction with the car system and the pedestrian system - but it does not exist. we are in between, though there are bits and pieces of progress such as bike lanes, bike racks, bike awareness. yet signals and signs are not made for us or how we move. the law may say as it does, but that doesn't mean it works well for us or that people will follow it. this is the reason we continue to adjust the category that we are thrust in. sure, you can ticket and sue people for not behaving according to law, but isn't it better to create rule systems that suit everyone instead of penalizing one specific group because they operate differently? i'd love to see how a traffic system could actually incorporate all three systems safely without compromising on what we need to move efficiently.

when i griped in my last post about the pedestrian jaywalking, i did not care that they jaywalked. what i cared about is that they were not keeping themselves aware (ie looking, listening) when placing themselves on a dangerous street where something could hit them. jaywalk all you want, but watch the fuck out for ANY kind of moving thing. it's not about giving one system priority over the other - it's about having the systems keep in check with the other systems, so that accidents do not occur. (i was doing my part by watching for peds and yelling caution but she failed on her part because she had headphones on and wasn't looking both ways.) you can make rules to protect peds til the cows come home, but if they go jumping into traffic because they assume their fragile bodies are protected by laws then eventually someone is gunna die. laws are words on a page that do not physically at the moment protect you - keeping yourself aware at all times is what protects you. everyone is responsible, everyone has to be defensive and awake to all that is going on around them.

for your consideration - bike laws of nyc.

also to note - i have never been pulled over or ticketed nor have i heard of anyone getting in trouble with any new york cops other than one friend who got yelled at for riding on the sidewalk. i don't even know if delivery guys on bikes ever get ticketed for all the riding in the wrong way and on sidewalks (they are well known for this.) i think nyc cops have better things to do anyway.

also another note, unrelated to the subject of this post - i'm probably not going to realize or respond to comments in posts more than ten days after i've posted it. it was random coincidence that i noticed these comments at all.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

places you just don't belong

i was at a dinner the other night with five other people. topics of discussion were politics, news, meat (steak, duck, chicken, fish), james bond movies, coffee, and a couple other things that i don't know because i tuned out at that point. it's not that i don't have respect for the people discussing these things - they are all nice and have good intentions. i just don't like these things, so i don't really know much about them and i have no idea how to contribute. so i'm kind of speechless.

yeah.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

how is no one online right now to talk to

i guess i forgot it's friday night and most people aren't staying in to work on their resumes like me but man, this misery could use some company. i look at these listings, and it's sad how i'm ready to just lower down and take whatever. cad operator? seriously? operator like calculator like function like robot? why don't they just call it what it is - cad monkey. at least there's some humor there, some truth. are there really people out there that have years of experience doing this and only this, minion nothing evil soulsucking... seriously? if i do this, if i put this energy in and smile and spruce up the resume and the portfolio and work hard and sing and dance and plead and all for a yes! an offer, a moment of glory! but for what...

other words - drafter. unpaid. minimum more experience than i have required. tons of skills required for little to no pay.

and today! at work! the clients from hell are back, the people who picked the worst fucking sexist/racist contractor that i have ever met! they want their kitchen done, in theory, just like last year, in theory, and guess what! they don't want to pay for it! we budget the project, they want it on the cheap! fucking louses, thinking they can rape the building industry just because it's on its knees begging for scraps... why i oughta!!! people suck! it all sucks! hell and handbaskets with express delivery. can you see, can you see why i don't even want to begin

Friday, January 2, 2009

mad men

some of the sexist parts of this show are so unbelievable, but then some are so eerily familiar.

i go back to work on monday. i am not looking forward to it at all.

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