rattling locks

black hole, black hole

still so ugly

been thinking a lot about when timing is off. like how i seemed to have missed the boat when it came to coupling up. years ago people were getting married. now those folks are having children and drifting away. this city is the last hold out for people like me. it's been a while too - i had like 10 years to get things sorted and i'm only just now getting started? so there's that. i deal with it as anyone else does - trying to date, bumbling through the basics of socializing, figuring out and yet forgetting the power of the smile. enjoying the upside and ignoring the down of being alone, complaining about it to get it out of the system, trying to focus on other things. yet several drinks in and the negativity comes out. my temper breaks, i say shitty sarcastic things. i hate this part of myself and it's no wonder i drive people away. who wants to procreate with a hostile bitch? or hell, even be within 100 feet of me? i admit that i get jealous, frustrated, and to be honest even at this age i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i don't even know how i would be comfortable being me if there was someone else always around. the only thing i know for certain is that i'm pretty jaded - i gave up on the idea of love a long time ago.

what i had done so far up to this point was only what i was good at - playing piano, clarinet, drawing and writing and taking photos, folding inside myself and only watching what others do. watching movies, tons and tons of movies because that was almost as good as the real thing, for a few hours anyway. not even trying because who would want anything to do with an acne covered freak, right? that fear sticks with you, years after the last zit has faded. there was one thing though, something amazingly rewarding - focusing on school and letting academia overwhelm everything. if i could have made that my entire life, if i didn't have to graduate and pay off loans - i think i would have done it. renounced what else there is to experience in order to keep going. to become a nun of architecture.

yet the way things worked out is that i'm here, 10 years behind everyone else and just a tad bitter. trying and failing, trying and failing. so it goes.

all the little girls

a man i know (who had been drinking) insisted on calling me a girl. lately i have become more vocal about certain things, so i informed him that i disliked the term "girl." as in

"hey girl what's up"
"hah, yeah i'm not really a girl anymore. how's it going?"

this caught him off guard. since we were friendly i said he could refer to me as a woman, or in conversation as "dude" since that is the term i use to refer to many of my own friends, male or female. this triggered him to go on a tirade. this world has become too PC, oh yeah sure i'm a white lower class male sure use that against me, you know very well what i mean when i say girl, we're all boys and girls and it's not demeaning, that's feminist bullshit, etc. i don't really know where all this came from. the end result was roaring mad, with him saying i had not the experience to make me a woman (with references to how prude i am in conversations about sex) and that i wanted to be treated like a child so he was going to treat me like a child and thus call me a girl because that's what i am.

i was rather stunned. i told him to have a good weekend and walked away. he is promptly defriended, blocked, and ignored. i don't know what else to do with that. i'm amazed i considered him a friend (via another friend) or if not that just a friendly acquaintance. i guess with some people you never know, huh?

this is cooling

faster than i can

tales from the bicycle, part 2

i love when i can ride short distances in my neighborhood. no need for fancy gear - no clip in shoes, no wicking exercise clothes, no messenger bag laden with too many things on my back. just a light purse and clothes that i want to wear in public. clothes to fit in, clothes to feel pretty. (yes, i fall prey to societal standards. we can't all break free, not completely.)

i was riding tonight to a bar about a 10 minute ride away. i do two things to prep - first, put my lock in my purse and throw it over my neck / shoulder so it doesn't slip down; and second, clip my rear tail light onto my pants. the easiest and most visible for the light was to clip through the back loop, centered right above the butt. the difference between cycling clothes and normal street clothes is that cycling clothes often have extra material on the back, so that when you are bent over the handlebars your buttcrack is still covered. since i wanted to be pretty on this night my ass was exposed. what was even better was the blinking red light i had mounted on the back loop of my pants, just below the buttcrack. so anyone paying attention to the cyclist zooming by got a little glimpse of the red light special.

tales from the bicycle, part 1

i almost hit two pedestrians the other day that were jaywalking into the middle of the street on 2nd ave in the east village. there's a painted separated bike lane that they just stepped right into, not looking and walking like dinosaurs. i called out "heads up!" from a ways back and slowed when i realized they weren't listening. one saw me and jumped forward, but the other didn't until i was almost on top of her and it scared the crap out of her. when i slowly passed i said "careful!" in a really light sweet voice and continued on my way. her friend then yelled "you don't have to be such a BITCH!" to me. i stopped my bike. i turned around and yelled "i was actually being NICE. you're the one being a fucking BITCH." a bystander called out "hey let's all just get along!" then i rode home, trying not to let it bug me, but it did.

so this whole thing got me thinking. they were like my mom, just not quite up to speed. i could have been much worse to those women. i could have been the one to yell bitch to begin with, i could have not given them any warnings at all and given them an actual reason to be scared. i wasn't even at that level though, but i guess that by even wanting to ride in the designated bike lane without hitting people i'm a bitch? jesus. also, i think they irked me so much because i don't want to be doddering and unaware of the world around me like them when i'm older. i probably won't - i'll be awake and grumpy instead. and still riding my bike.

last night

a married man kissed me
and a single man kissed me
at different times
and they are best friends
I'm not sure they're aware of each other's activity
the married man may be aware of the single man's activity. but not vice versa.

why are you kind to me

this stuck out in conversation on a rooftop at a party amongst a crowd of people and a dark sky and the fumbling rush of alcohol. why am i kind, coming up with an answer takes time. so i think. i think because one of the types of people i gravitate to are those that are suns, the emanating happy ones that should be unbelievable but are so continuous and sincere in their constant giving. they are rare and people look to them. the smile, the energy, the presence. it is such a contrast to myself, my dead pan distance fully enclosed self contained system - let in the sun, this counterpoint which can make for an interesting rhythm if everything aligns. so i go there, seeking out that power in a way to fuel my own. i want to be it, but i only hit there once in a while, manic and flying. i give because i want to be in those shoes, to naturally radiate. i cannot control what comes in, but i can control what i send out. i want to care. i do want to love, at some point, even if it only happens through friendship family or friends. some is better than none, right?

spot on

from a message board i post on:

man: "All makeup sucks. Everyone is prettier without it."

woman: "why do you think it matters to women that they hear about this opinion of yours? i suggest you show respect for them and let them make their own decisions without trying to enforce your personal standard for beauty on them!"

YES.

i need something other

and then on my bike ride home there were the thoughts about energy. how much energy to pedal, how much effort to breathe, to coordinate eyes and legs and hands all in perfect unison to make the magical act of flying through the neighborhood. how each day becomes more perfect than the one before, with muscles attuned to perfect pitch.

how much of me it takes to ascend to a great thing. or descend. anger can be encompassing. a speech can be remembered, the moment of confrontation waited for with built anxiety and bizarre excitement with the unavoidable chance for fumble. plans never working out as drawn, the target doesn't care or react as predicted - and all for what. for WHAT. to give more of myself? to waste it? on you? why?

i love what i thought during that bike ride, how it cleared my head and made me realize. i need that energy, for other things. for the things i do, for the things i've yet to do. for the things i've put aside for someone else's sake. i need something other than a garbage can for the used tissues that are the many men that come and go in my life. i hope this moment of clarity can be sustained.

what i would say to you if i saw you again

look. i'm not mad at you because i liked you and you don't and therefore i am a stereotypical woman scorned. the reason for my anger is that you were aware of what you were doing, you were aware of how it would play out, and yet you still didn't apologize. you thought with your penis, not with your brain, and didn't give any consideration to how your actions would effect my feelings. you took my friendship and threw it in the dumpster, and thus proved yourself undeserving of it. i have no interest in maintaining any sort of relations or peace with someone so disrespectful. so go shit in someone else's yard.

now if only i could remember this speech should i happen to see you again, you fucking asshole.

small sins

at least you feel something.

homesick
cause i no longer know
where home is

Inception

the type of design in this movie, creating environments of dreams with endless possibilities - and the girl who does it once then and can't go back to the designs of reality. this is me, this is school vs working world. yet i can't go back to school, and the only other forced choice is that of the real world. which to some people may not seem so bad - there's a lot of variety here. people find happiness in the everyday. but when you taste those alternate possibilities, you don't forget. you just long and forget your passions and wait for the brief ideas that peak through and fade by once in a while.

when design is all consuming it is heaven. a heavenly fire burning off flesh and leaving nothing except thought and creation behind. who needs people to touch or hold if your mind takes over everything? after a certain point, if you haven't figured out how to relate to others then maybe it's just best to stick with what you know and can do well instead. sure there may be lack but it won't be as bad as you think.

the clear horror of realizing your inability to be vulnerable when necessary comes down like a rogue wave - you knew the ocean waters were choppy but this is another level of self awareness, a slap in the face. wake up, some things aren't meant for you.

lana mir

i wanna be adored.

memory

good woman

i used to sing this song to myself when i was out past the break on my surfboard, waiting for the waves to come in.

i may have shared this before.

not an update because update contains "up" and this isn't up it's more neutral whatever here it is

everything has been so up and down and up and down lately that i shouldn't be allowed to write about it until a few months have passed and i have enough perspective on the situation at hand. which given how lazy i typically am about updating in theory it shouldn't be that much of a problem, but i see gleeful posts below and i cringe.

i've been trying to cook things, vegetable things, and sometimes it turns out okay and sometimes it really fucking sucks. i'm definitely not a natural at this.

been running a lot but not enough. there's another half marathon next month, august 22nd. yeah i'm gunna die.

oh and i hate people too.

i'm really tired.

back to reality

gotta ride the zen
so it won't hurt it the end.


BUT... before we get cynical i have a story to tell you. but you can't be happy or hold hopes or cross your fingers! let me type it up.

my heart got sore

it's been years. it's so rare and so hard to hit that level with another human being. where talking is like magic and a buzzing exciting flow just keeps going. it's magnetic. you find it, you want to hang onto it. it's a risk to speak up, but it's not worth waiting. not at this age, not with this ache.

but it takes two to tango and i broke the spell. i'm dancing this one alone, again. the silly dance of i'm happy, i'm fine, i'm fabulous. maybe he didn't see what i saw, perspective can be tricky like that. you have to know when things are beyond your control. his feelings are obviously out of my grasp. my own seem to be slipping a little as well, on the verge of tears but too tightly wound to release. i wonder how many more years before magic appears again, i wonder why it doesn't work.

what's weird is all i want right now is a hug. just a simple hug.

upsie daisy

so a lot of stuff here is total downer waah wahh crap, and i get how that can be a total drag. today, at this very moment, i am actually happy. so i thought i'd share that with you guys. here you go, some happy dappy. whee! it all balances out now.

this crush

it's probably a dead end, but you're standing out enough for me to notice and fizzle around as though that makes a difference. here we go.

and and and

you ever get to a point in your life where the things you have been looking forward to have happened and now you have nothing planned to look forward to? so you're just sitting there wondering "now what?" but in the most extreme sense of the feeling, like there is absolutely nothing in front of you at all? like everything else around you is moving and you're static for a second.

of course this is coming from me. it's a notification of silence and the next notification being of course i'll pick up and make things happen again. but i don't have to. and knowing i don't have to is kind of, i don't know, breath taking? and not in a good way.

and that's not particularly articulate either.

there's all this fear that builds and the distractions keep us from focusing. you don't notice until you sit still long enough and then the fear is panic on the inhale and tears on the exhale. what are you doing. what is this mess. why don't i write the stories floating in my head. how many more years are left for floating. what happened to the question mark. as though we already know the answer - we just have to say it all out loud in order to acknowledge the truth.

the visitor

i know what anonymous proxies are and how you use them.

misery is a choice

the other choices are there but oddly transparent.

perspective

sometimes i get word that people think something i've said or done is negative, rude, mean, etc. (oftentimes it's just sarcasm and i highly recommend investing in a thicker skin) and that i should modify my behavior in order to suit their expectations of civility, or whatever the fuck their issue is with me. then i come across someone equally or more dark than myself in a moment when i am neutral or even positive, so i see how they can bring me down or how i can relate. then we see how i choose to react, to move on and leave it be or dig to understand. i might comment about them being aggro, or raise my eyebrows. seriously though, i'm not a bad person. they're probably not a bad person. we all say or do bad things but bad actions do not always equal bad person. yeah it's a downer being around someone when they're negative and you're not - but reprimanding is hypocritical unless you are the sort that shits sunshine out of your ass 24/7. if only toilets had plumbing to handle that load, right? we could solve the world's energy crisis with your crap! it's good to know your bullshit would come in handy someday.

i try hard to give what i can in the best positive light that i can. this is not my base nature, and is often constructed for the benefit of others as a way to get through the day. i slide though, growing weary of the charade. men in particular become the target of my sharp tongue it seems, perhaps a touch of bitterness feeds from past experience on my end. perhaps it is the bumbling manner upon first interaction that prompts me to test them, their brains made hazy by booze or fear. i am not the sort to flutter my lashes or laugh at what you say unless it's actually funny. so the test. i appreciate people that can handle a dip into the dark side for the sake of humor or reality - a reprise from the constant happy smiley go go go. strangers just don't seem to get this, and explaining yourself is exhausting.

read this

http://nearlybarejunkyard.blogspot.com/2010/05/double-dare-ya.html

i'm not directly linking (copy/paste if you please) because i don't want this person to trail back to this blog, but it's a great post. my thoughts often go in this direction when i ride my bike to work and have to change my clothes and alter my appearance and put all this effort into presenting myself as supplicant female. do i do it for me? or others? along these lines, there's also the gaggle of girls in my office that i feel distinctly separate from not just because of my job duties but because of who they are, how they talk and dress and relate. i often feel unfeminine, and alone for this reason. this is partially self imposed because of the athletic things that i do or lack of money for periodic fashion updates, but also it's an industry thing. in a weird way clothes seem to make the architect. at least a good portion, anyway. yet heels are not practical for construction sites. or bicycles. or just plain walking, for that matter.

come join the pity party

so this thought has just sort of been swirling in my brain, gathering weight and velocity over the past month. there but not yet spoken. i finally confirmed its presence and figured i'd bring it out to light here.

i am 31 next month. i have not had a long term serious relationship with anyone. i probably won't get married or have children or a large family. so the only thing i really have going for me is to be an architect and i seem to be failing pretty miserably at that too.

so yeah there you have it. i'm gunna go cry myself to sleep now!

last night

i was at a show with two friends. the rhythm guitarist is the brother of one of my friends. after the show he came out to talk to his brother. upon meeting me he grabbed my shoulders, shook me and told me to "cheer up!" he then asked me to sign his email list for the band. i wrote down this:

[email protected]

he walked away, read it and came back to me. he was very mad. i insisted that it was a real address and he try to send something to it. i think this is why i will forever be alone in the world.

massive attack

paradise circus.

backspace

in a moment of vulnerability, i typed

"how much longer can i go being as disconnected as i am from other people?"

and normally i would delete it and just not post. but let's just hang it in the air and see what happens to panic when you leave it out to dry.

massive fail

failed my first licensing exam. it cost $210, and $35 each time i rescheduled (twice). that's $280 gone. there is no why, there is only failure. there are also six other exams to take, and a retake of this one after the waiting period is over.

i understand that the multiple choice part of the test is a way to gauge a large group of people's ability to retain information regarding a particular subject. i understand i have a lot of issues with the way questions are worded, and that while attempting to answer these questions i have questions myself. it's not about studying more - what it boils down to is a guessing game, or rather knowing how to figure out which answer they best want to hear. less about knowing architecture, more about mind games. i get that.

what i don't get is the drawing vignette. for one, it is a dumbed down version of autocad. for two, drawings are merely representations of what you mean to build. everyone has their own methods for doing this - there is no right or wrong so long as your intent is clear. yet that is not how this works. there are rules to their program that you have to follow. they don't tell you these rules - you have to guess, talk to other people, etc. i thought i followed all the rules, i practiced and researched how everyone else had done it before but i stilled failed it. this is where i am baffled. i know what i drew would work in the real world, but this isn't real. it's just an exam. it's just a hurdle i have to jump in order to be considered official. but how do you jump a hurdle when they don't tell you why you failed? how can you win the game when there are no reasons given for failure and how can you keep playing when it's so expensive?

if you can't pass exams, you can't get licensed. if you don't get licensed you don't get respect. i feel stuck, frustrated, and angry. angry to have come so far to get blocked by such a contrived system that is erected to regulate and maintain yet has no sentience or connection to how architecture actually works. i also feel like i'm suffocating. i went this path because it was laid out for me. i'm not going to quit just because it's difficult, but it's getting to the point where it requires me to operate in a way that is so contrary to how i work. i question, i discover, i build knowledge cumulatively. i have so many doubts about there being a one right answer for something so subjective and it angers me that this is an end all be all.

it also angers me that it has upset me this much. put so much effort into something and then am told i'm not worthy. trying to tell myself that worthiness is not accurately measured via exam... but oh how i would love to be worthy and be done with all this bullshit once and for all. i still want it, regardless of my failure. i'll still play the game, i'll still struggle and hand over hundreds of dollars that i can't really afford to give. all for the sake of a tiny rubber stamp that i'm never going to use.

were you ever in love with someone?

excerpts from a conversation with a friend

there have been moments where i get really stupid. i mean in hindsight i refer to it as being stupid, not as being in love. as wanting to be loved, so to speak. nothing is ever official or long term. it's just infatuations, really. but what is love? (oh baby don't hurt me)

is it love when the other person doesn't love you back?
is it love when you are really lonely and just want someone to be with?
is it love when it's long distance?

who knows. i think love is just when you let yourself go and trust someone with every bit of your being. how they decide to deal with it is up to them.

and really, there isn't any one specific person that stood out as the one and only. i think in the end what i get away from it is that it's more about me and what limitations i come across about myself and why i need people so badly. how i can be better, on my own. the longer i stay single the harder it is for me to imagine my life with someone.

sometimes when i listen to some music it makes me want to be in a relationship... but i feel like i have gone through so many years of movies, tv, books, and music that have repeatedly convinced me to want someone. when really, that is not something to want. it just happens when it happens if it happens - otherwise there are better things to do with the little time we have left. yet years of hearing how great love is from all sorts of media is hard to completely ignore. you see it around you everywhere, everyone takes part in some way or another. societal expectations all pointing in the same direction. i don't know why i question what other directions, what other purpose to this existence. i just know this is it and there has to be something other than constant dead ends and failures.

sometimes i am happy when i'm alone. not on birthdays, or valentines day, or new years... but regular days are good days. i really only want to be with someone once in a blue moon. i am a serial single person. sometimes friends i haven't seen in a while ask me if i'm seeing anyone and it's like... dude, i'll tell you if i'm seeing someone. i'll shout it from the rooftops. you'll know because the sky will be falling.

though i don't think i want to live in a world where i have to change so much to avoid chunks of sky that would crush me. i dunno, maybe that's me not wanting to deal with pain again. i kind of like this world, watching the floating clouds drifting by overhead while my feet are firmly planted to this reality. maybe floating around trying cling to a cloud is a form of happiness for some, but i like to think that there may be are other kinds of happiness down here too.

who gives a fuck.

you get what you give, i guess, and i find myself handing out very little. listening takes effort. caring and remembering, whatever. things, blah, stuff.

it's fortunate that i've lowered my standards so much that it doesn't matter if anyone does the same in return or not. all that's required at this point is a steady supply of books, movies, and tv shows and i'm good to keep going through the motions.

not to name names

steves are the untouchables
noahs are fantastic dreamers
jasons are assholes
johns are bland
nicks are a mess

if your name is not on this list, it is because i haven't met enough of your name to assign a stereotype - check back regularly through the years of my life for updates.

quiet little blog

i have been in new york for four years now. can you believe that? i was reading through my old archives, back before i wiped this blog in 2008. i wonder where i'll be four years from now? what would the future me tell me now? probably "stop stressing about getting licensed. that's not as important as finding art again." or something thereof. my future self would probably also say to stop being such an idiot about men, because my future self will know what's what at that point. in theory. here's hoping, anyway.

i love brooklyn. i really love it here. the cold winters can go fuck off, and the humidity leaves something to be desired, and lack of decent accessible surfing, and the corners that smell like pee and the way people just don't know how to talk to each other unless they've had something to drink... yeah there's that list. yet for the most part, like 85%, i'm content for now. last year was really rough and now i'm just happy on a day to day basis.

i'm training for a half marathon. my legs hurt and my calves have grown to where i can't pull up half of my socks over them. yet it's a wonderful thing to have that kind of power, to run further than you have before. when i'm out there, struggling to breathe i come against my own personal limits and i know exactly what sort of grade i would get if i was still in school for this type of performance. so i slack off, feel guilty, pick up the pace and push myself. then i lose focus, slack off, feel guilty, etc. finding motivation when you are alone in life is difficult. sometimes, like when i'm straining to get to the top of a hill or when a cramp gets particularly bad, i visualize people on the sidelines cheering me on. it's no one in particular that i envision, just strangers cheering me on and telling me i can do it. it brings tears to my eyes as though i'd never heard cheering before and for some reason i'm capable of going forward. a legend in my own mind, i guess. how to turn that outward, make it real - i think that's one of those lifetime lessons that takes a while to puzzle together.

speaking of lessons, another one bites the dust. boytoy wise, that is. i don't really know how to steer this boat properly, and it crashes into the same whirlpool as always. relationships have expiration dates. that date is often distinct, such as someone cheating on you, leaving you at the altar, divorce, death, etc. most of my dates just happen to be more immediate than other people's... usually before the word 'relationship' is even uttered. nevertheless, i keep trying and the dates keep expiring. i'm a stupid little fool just wanting to be happy the way movies instructed me to be happy. yet, isn't it interesting that romantic comedies are the types of movies that really fucking suck now? i haven't seen a good romcom in ages - maybe the genre itself has expired. wouldn't that be great if the next generation of little girls isn't brainwashed into thinking someday their prince will come? oh wait nevermind there's still a plethora of that crap out there, in the form of vampires no less. at least they're more upfront about their bloodsucking habits.

i should sleep, working tomorrow. will write more soon, it feels good.

freelance whales

generator ^ second floor

recent cliche mantras

whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
there's always someone worse off than you.
if you're going through hell, keep going.
a smile has power.
personal happiness is a choice.

story time part 3

soon all of humanity was either converted or drained. finally, when the last human was killed, it all stopped. appetites were satiated, and the vampires were truly cured. they cried a collective sigh of relief as their fangs retreated into their mouths. they began demolition. layer after layer of the dome was pulled down, and eventually one by one the cured vampires surfaced out of their constructed prison to feel the sun on their faces for the first time in many many years. a warm feeling surged through their bodies - yet they did not burn as they had before. instead, they cleaned up the mess they had made. they planted flowers and frolicked with the unicorns, and danced in sunny meadows until the sun set. they waited patiently through the night for the sun to rise once more, but this time for different reason.

story time part 2

they had been planning The Development for centuries, hiding in the dark, drawing their plans. with their strength and speed the vampires covered up the sun with a massive constructed dome that covered the entire city, light tight so not a ray could peek through. the vampires pulled the wool over our eyes via structure. when the humans rose the next morning they found the sun was gone and the vampires still awake. the war began in earnest and the world fell apart. buildings and bodies - the carnage was everywhere. we could not hold back for long.

story time

as it has always been, day belonged to us. night belonged to them. minor skirmishes occurred around dawn and dusk, but for the most part if you valued your life (or your afterlife) you inhabited the world during the time properly allotted to you. of course, both sides wanted more - 12 hours wasn't nearly enough. the skirmishes grew worse, until it was all out war. the battles between the vampires and the humans had been slowly escalating for some time until the Night of Development.

to lose someone

taken by trees - to lose someone.