today

a run around the park.
a bike ride to queens.
a grilled cheese lunch.
a date in brooklyn.
a party at a stranger's house.
a bike ride back home.

chess

i'm still a novice when it comes to chess. my brain struggles to remember every move and doesn't get to that higher level of being able to decide which moves are worth considering and which are worth throwing away. to me every idea gets equal time as i haven't learned to quickly parse things out, and this becomes overwhelming due to memory limitations. i also have a problem with sacrificing pieces, from the lowliest pawn to the almighty queen. so i play defensively very well, but i have no idea how to progress or attack or gain any ground whatsoever. i usually lose this way, not only incapable of coming up with a good offensive strategy but utterly scared to even try.

i've come to realize that this not only applies to how i play chess but also how i operate in life. from my career to friends to dating, i rarely take chances. i rarely say "this is what i want and i'm taking it now." standing your ground and making a presence that commands that attention. rather it's moreso a life of living through observation, viewing the few possibilities laid out before me before carefully selecting that which will harm me least. thick defensive walls and a razor temper ready to lash out if necessary, but no actual attempt to reach beyond the castle walls.

you may protest and say "why c, you have done so much! you've accomplished this and that and one other thing!" is it really an accomplishment when so many have already gone before you and done much better? is it really an accomplishment when this past year has been utterly stagnant? also realize that there is a difference between the accomplishments gained through one's own personal world and that in which when you have to interact with others. when i'm left to my own devices, i make systems and insights that i'm sure have probably already been made many times over. not that there is anything wrong with learning from others - in fact observation of the human race and even interacting with it is a great way to gain new perspective when stuck in a rut. it's that i come to these conclusions on my own terms in my own space is what's important for personal sanity's sake.

yes i am an introvert. i've been admonished for it for a lot of my life. from report cards saying i was too quiet in class to friends telling me they found my behavior quite rude and disrespectful when i thought i was just being myself. most of the truths translated in the myths #1-9 applies to me, except #10. i've been thinking about that all day. i feel as though i've pressured myself to become extroverted, and have made a few accomplishments in this direction. the whole smiling thing. i've sort of mastered the small talk, feeding the necessary lines and seeking out variations to the lines so it doesn't appear too scripted. even managing a couple of original thoughts here and there. it's not difficult to try to be extroverted, it just isn't my default state. it never will be. reading that list just sort of reminded me of who i am and how far i've drifted in an attempt to make people happy.

so yes we've drifted a bit, from a failure at chess to the notion of making people happy. how does introversion and defense mechanisms relate? well, it's always a struggle. wanting to do your own thing in your own space in your own time, yet... feeling this random need for others. wanting their presence in your life, but in smaller controlled doses. in better ways than are currently occurring. this requires asking better for yourself. this requires leaving the razor temper behind, stepping outside the castle wall and being vulnerable. the offensive strategy notion. so, to be vulnerable while attacking? i don't know how to do this, how to begin to operate. what is my weapon of choice? so you just let go of everything, pick out what you want better and go for it? is it really that simple? how do you ready yourself for the inevitable failures to come? what protects you and patches you up then? where the hell is my instruction manual?

experiment

remember back when all of us bloggers used to update daily? back in the day before our thoughts and attention spans were shortened to 160 character limits, back before internet self-censorship kicked in and we all started being scared about what audiences were really out there and oh my god what did they think of us? where we could ramble about anything from what we ate for breakfast to the deepest darkest secrets that eventually became so humiliating once they have seen the light of day by all your friends and colleagues, forcing you to delete every precious word good and bad, all of it gone goodbye no more. ahh the good ol' days of blogging.

so yeah i'm sort of interested in getting back into writing. unfortunately i don't have any bright ideas that don't include anything so enormous that i won't even begin them. i should probably start small, so as to not waste any effort should i lose interest or turns out i suck really bad. i think sucking is okay at first - you have to make mistakes in order to learn, right? i figure this blog isn't that formal so therefore the pressure is lessened to be presentable or have any specific point whatsoever. it will serve as a place to stretch my legs, somewhere i can make lots of errors again and again until the possibly of/if any writing success occurs.

i think i need topics to write on though. suggestions are welcome. what the hell did i used to write about before it dissolved into whiny angsty bullshit about this person or that person or this situation or that situation? what's that now? i've always written about that? and i still have readers? oh nevermind, there's no one here - i'm talking to myself. okay self, so it's 1:30am and you meant to go to sleep before midnight. i highly suggest you get your ass into bed and we'll discuss this in the morning.