sea change

i wonder what it is when people summarily dismiss other human beings. i try to think about when i do it - usually they are people that i deal with on a limited basis but enough to where the few times that i do i find i'm irritated by everything they say and do. so i write them off, and don't give them much time or credit or anger than required. there aren't that many people i meet like this, but when i do that is the prefered method of dealing with them. so now i am thinking about that kind of person, and try to turn that around to apply it to myself. what am i doing to irritate every step of the way? where did i go wrong, what did i say or not say that i should have to make this better? why am i so small in someone's eyes that my very existence is that easily dissolved? dissolving makes me so tired. i think of the eleanor roosevelt quote, about inferiority and consent. i don't remember giving consent but maybe i'm just stupid and lying to myself about that little fact? i should get angry, but it keeps fading back to tiredness.

there is a person. this person i see everyday, 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. you know what i mean. this person pays the bills, screams at me, i shut the fuck up and get paid. so this person wrote an email. i read what was said about me. how one little sentence could so easily summarize what i have been slowly, painfully picking up on for years now. i don't know how i am going to function tomorrow. i have possibilities, other places i could maybe go - if only someone else would find me not so repulsive. is it a collective thing? is this how the whole world usually sways or is this person just a special kind of douchebag? i cannot jump ship yet, but i keep looking at the ocean and thinking about how long i could swim. how long it would take before my arms gave out. then i look back at the ship and realize this is how you stay dry while drowning.

fill me up, buttercup

i was out with a friend. he suggested we meet for dinner or drinks, since i haven't seen him in ages. i figured he was busy with his new girlfriend and whatnot so i try to be cool and focus on my other friends. that's how it goes.

we meet up for sandwiches and beers. the beers are the usual, the sandwiches amazing. he is distracted. i find out his girlfriend has been out of town, and that he's been hanging out with all the friends he hasn't seen in ages during her absense. she's due back tonight. he checks his phone, he is meeting up with her later. we talk about stuff, mostly his stuff. he gets a text. he stops, mid-sentence, and replies to his texts. i sit and stare off into space while he attends to his phone. we pick back up again. we get another beer. this goes on for another ten minutes or so, until he receives the texts he has been waiting for. the come on over text, or whatever it was. his beer is gone, mine is halfway done. he is waiting for me to finish, kind of antsy. i haven't seen him in months and he's already gone. he likes bikes, so i tried to talk to him about my new best friend - this bicycle i've been working on and obsessing about. we walk outside and he looks at said bike for half a minute before he rides off into the night.

he is good friends with another friend of mine, that i dated briefly before he ended things. this other friend hasn't shown his face in a long time either, but i'm used to it by now. when i do see him once in a while i think he gets bored, or has an open window to catch up. like a sucker, like a fucking idiot, i go through the window for a brief spell. at his convenience, not mine. in reality though he doesn't even talk to me about his girlfriend, or invite me to her birthday thing that everyone else was invited to last week. sometimes people are just filler. sometimes you just become filler for other people. nothing of consequence, just there to pass other people's time.

i'm feeling very sad right now, left behind, secondary, lonely. i get that everyone has moved on. i get that there is something better than hanging out with me. i get it, i get it, i fucking get it.

addendum: i've come to the conclusion that the reason i have faded from the attentions of said "friends" is that i am no longer the desired single friend. back when they were without relationships there was that sexual tension, but now that it is resolved the desire is gone. which is fine on my part - i prefer to be appreciated for everything else about me. unfortunately i think for a lot of single men they think sex is mostly what they think/care about that i can offer. sure, okay conversation, things in common... but really they were there for the potential of sex. weirdly, nothing angers me more than being seen as this, and i think that's why i'm so mad and disappointed. i just need friends to get through the rest of life. not this half assed bullshit convenient only for you crap.