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hit a point where it doesn't really matter anymore. i guess there are goals but i don't really seem to care if the bottom drops out. i almost want it to, so i don't have to keep up the charade of pretending that it's all working out just fine. i am tired of being proven wrong on a daily basis. i'm tired of learning from my mistakes over and over like i'm some fucking child. i don't need correction, i need space. i hate people, i hate every fucking complication that comes from civilization. all the looks and body language and desires and directions of others, all pressing down on you wanting something other than what you do. this constant day to day struggle under this layer of bullshit, this surface tension ready to break but never giving way.
sometimes i think about what i would do if i just let people down. who else i could be. what a mess it would be to start from scratch, from the bottom, with nothing. but i wonder, if there wasn't this giant debt holding me here in this frozen position, what sort of words i could write or drawings would manifest. what about that story that's been in my head for years, those sticky notes floating above my desk, hovering waiting for their day.
i sign up for these activities. i create these other goals, i make it seem like my life is busy and i'm doing things. so many things that there isn't energy left at the end of the day. just wear out the body and perhaps the mind will follow. we'll just get through this if we don't think about it anymore.
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