Where Do The Tired Find Rest

I have contemplated suicide in my lifetime. The thought briefly crossed my mind as early as this morning. Sometimes I wonder what it’s all for, what am I here for. I know the answers and yet they elude me. I used to live for my children. They kept me going and at the same time caring for them was a burden because I was doing it alone. I have an amazing support system, but sometimes there is only so much a support system can do for you. I do the soul work, dig deeply inside myself to face my darkness to acknowledge and work through them to get to more light, but if I am being totally honest, I’m tired. It seems there is no end in sight, no sigh of relief from the pressure, no light at the end of the tunnel. My love relationships are just as weighty. I’ve noticed the pattern of attracting men and then having them leave after professing how much they love me and how amazing, nurturing, calming, and perfect for them I am, but somehow can’t seem to break the cycle. I love hard, passionately, and wholly. A part of me wonders if romantic love eludes me because I keep trying to give away love I should be bestowing upon myself. I don’t want to die old and alone. I want love, pure love, heavy love, deep love, transformative love. I used to think people who committed suicide were weak, but from where I currently sit, I think many times they were just tired. The kind of tired not even money can change. The kind of tired no one who loves you can change. The kind of tired only you can relieve you of.  

Purple Haze

Purple haze, all in my brain. Lately things they don't seem the same, actin' funny, but I don't know why. Excuse me while I kiss the sky. – Jimi Hendrix

If I had to sum up how I feel right now, the above lyrics would be it. Lately I’ve been meditating more, drinking more water, treating my skincare like a ritual, going in to find answers and the truth, and reaching out in love sans toxic ego and pride. I’m at peace and learning to tame my thoughts, for they certainly create the reality I live in. Though I feel more peaceful I also feel more alive. Embracing my personal truth has been and still is a journey. Uncovering my sense of worth has also been a journey. For such a long time I felt stuck and stagnant in life. Inside I felt and wanted to live one way, but outwardly I was living the opposite, save for moments I said fuck it all and lived out loud, but then I went to the total opposite extreme. I have always lived in extremes, very black and white, all or nothing. I’m learning to embrace and appreciate that grey sweet spot in the middle, trying to gently control the pendulum swing and grasp a deeper understanding of the Law of Correspondence (as above so below) while dissecting the notion of everything being mental, The All is mind.

Though it isn’t popular and contradicts the way I was raised, I’m openly embracing the things my spirit naturally gravitates to: yoga, sacred texts, crystals, light work, meditation, and astrology. I believe there’s truth in everything, and all truth is but half true. Anyway, back to self-worth. I recently had a conversation with God because I wasn’t understanding why I kept meeting men I could never solidify anything with along with trying to find the spiritual reason for my recent weight gain. Long story shortened, it all boiled down to the way I viewed myself and lack of trust in God/The Universe and flow of life. I subconsciously felt worthless if I didn’t have money or couldn’t be of use or service. That’s how I express my love, by doing. That was a bit of a hard pill to swallow because that meant all my life I only felt I was worthy of love if I had money and could do things for others, not simply for just being me. I had to sit with that truth, embrace it, acknowledge it as truth, and actively change the way I viewed myself. That same week I did a guided Kundalini Awakening meditation and spent a little time with a man I’ve never officially dated, but adore nonetheless. To say I felt empowered is an understatement.

I can be a bit spoiled, and I want what I want when I want it. I was maybe three miles from his home when I texted, “Are you home?” He replied saying he was, then I asked, “Do you want company? Say yes.” He simply replied, “Sure.” He was where I used to go to escape the world. Something about being with him made my breath easy and my soul relax. When I got there, he greeted me with a hug and offered to make me a drink. He’s always been very accommodating to me. We talked literally for hours about life, God, family karma, mother wounds, parenting, and things I’m certain I have forgotten about already. Sometimes he just stares at me, and unlike when other people stare at me, his gaze doesn’t make me feel uneasy or annoyed. I just feel adored, but I asked him why he stares at me, and his reply was simple, “I always look at you like a Queen, like Cleopatra or another ancient Queen. You always look like you’re about to get up and put your crown on. You’re just different. You bring me a sense of calm and peace nobody else can.” I asked if that scared him, and he said yes because it can be a bit unnerving to be with someone you feel sees right through you. At that point it all made sense to me, and my purpose for being here became clearer to me. He doesn’t know it, but he did something for me and magnified something deep and beautiful in my soul. I accept that I am peace. I am an anchor for the soul, releaser of the reflex actions that lead to innate freedoms to be, lover of wild hearts, free spirits, sensual men, and wild women. I am love. I am the truth.I believe we are all mirrors one to another, and the very things he sees in me I also see in him.

Harnessing Sexuality

I go through periods of metaphoric deaths, usually coupled with celibacy, isolation, and intense introspection. When the phases are complete I am reborn and want nothing more than multiple outlets for my boisterous passion and impetuous energy. This is usually the place new lovers are inserted into my life. My sex drive is strong and consistent during my rebirths and smoldering during the deaths. I love the merging and intimacy of sex, the passion, animalism, tenderness, and the healing. My last “death” awakened and catapulted me so far past my last spiritual level that I feel like a new, lighter, and freer woman living authenticity in my soul, in my skin. I know there are more levels to reach, but the one I’m on now feels so good physically and mentally.

Sex and catastrophe have always been life changing and regenerative for me. Repeated Phoenix risings of sorts. I suppose this is due to my abundant Plutonian energy. Pluto is my most dominate planet, and of course it’s marked by death, rebirth, secrets, and sexuality. I’m intensely private, especially about my family, spirituality, and love life, so I usually hold back in my writing, but I feel the need to be transparent right now. 

I grew up in church, but religion never felt comfortable to me. I couldn’t relax into it even when I was going through the motions of it. I’ve always had this need to know why sex was so taboo and to be feared. If I’m being honest, I can’t say I blame my ex-husband for cheating on me. I did everything I was taught to do. I was taught how to be a WIFE, how to: cook, clean, stay pretty, keep the house tidy, keep the kids clean, be everything my husband needed (not according to his own admission but by older women before me), and to give my husband access to my body whenever he wanted because it was no longer my body. It became HIS body. Typing that made me want to puke and clench my legs tightly together. What a disgusting and disempowering way to live, but that is a whole ‘nother topic, so I digress. Sex was a chore for me when I was married. I was taught to save myself for marriage then instantly become a porno star once I said, “I do.” It was hard to enjoy sex after I had been taught it defiles and can send me to Hell. Even though I had premarital sex with him I didn’t enjoy it because I felt terrible and as though God was disappointed in me. It’s no wonder I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 25. Anyway, it wasn’t until my divorce fell apart and I had to rebuild my entire life from ground zero did I begin to understand the power of owning my body, my sex, and my sexuality.

Initially I was looking for an escape from my pain, and wine wasn’t strong enough to soothe the sting of my pain and bruised confidence. In walked a man who was supposed to be off limits to me, but the moment I laid eyes on him I instinctively knew we would be together and have a damn good time. I didn’t make any moves or do anything outlandish to garner his attention. I knew he felt my energy. To make a long story short, for the first time in my life I had amazing mind-blowing sex and orgasms so intense they had me shook! Both literally and figuratively.

By the time we crossed paths I was a bit apathetic and had grown tired of fear-based religion. I needed something different. I needed a truth that resonated with me, one I didn’t have to force myself to accept. I was also in a period of uncovering more of my own personal truth and adjusting my morals, beliefs, and life to accommodate those truths. I became addicted to sex with him because those were some of the only moments I allowed myself to be totally free, and that freedom opened doors for me outside of sex. Once my need of him expired and I had gleaned all I could from him I let him go and closed the door on our sexual relationship. I now understand it wasn’t necessarily sex with him that opened the door to my freedom. It was my acknowledgement and acceptance of my own sexual creative force that had empowered me. I have and am still learning how to harness, embrace, and wisely utilize that power. Sexual energy is purely creative energy and the seeds of creativity and manifestation. When I feel that energy stirring now I meditate and figure out just what I need to create and manifest at that moment. The yoni is a sacred space and should be treated as such. It’s powerful. Once the traumas and wounds surrounding issues with our sexuality are confronted and healed we become unstoppable portals of healing, power, creativity, and manifestation. I’m not as open to sharing my body with lovers these days because I now know the power I have sexually and all I went through to get to this place spiritually, but if we are vibing on the same waves and the wants and attraction are mutual I don’t deny myself that pleasure and opportunity to be expanded. Own your sexuality and change your life.

Most of the men in my life have tried to own me in one way or another. I find the notion laughable because I can’t be owned. That went out the door with my marriage. I’ve been mostly emotionally unavailable all my life, so it’s only natural I attracted those kinds of people to myself. Once I became aware of it and started healing that part of myself I started to attract people who were emotionally available to me but not physically so. Again, I had to reflect and realize that though I had opened myself emotionally I wasn’t quite ready to physically be available to anyone, so here I am now, practicing the art of fluidity, learning to just be and go with whatever feels right to ME regardless of how culturally or socially right or wrong it is. So, I view myself as a free agent of sorts. I refuse to be owned, and by the same measure I’m not trying to own another. It took me a long time to get to this place. I had to learn to how to live without the things and people I thought would make me happy, without a man I loved incredibly deeply, and longed for every single day of my life. His absence coupled with not being able to get the things I really wanted taught me to live without attachments, and to not tie my happiness into another person or material things. I had to learn to be whole on my own and not think of myself as a half whose mate would make her complete or whose possessions gave her value.

I’m a far cry from perfect, but every day I am redefining what perfection is to ME, from the way I dress and style my hair to the dynamics of my relationships. There is no right or wrong. It’s all perception. With this mindset comes a lack of desire to judge. I honestly don’t care how other people choose to live as long as it isn’t hurting another. We all have stories to tell, but most of us judge the books’ covers and omit the pages that make them books. My word for 2018 is fluidity.   

January 21, 2018

I laid across my bed this afternoon quietly reminiscing about lovers past and smiling at the sweet memories. They each opened worlds in me I either denied or didn’t know existed. I’m currently still not dating and have no desire for exclusivity with anyone at the moment. I don’t want to belong to anyone. I will never belong to another. I am my own person. By the same measure, no other will ever belong to me. It took me a while to learn and understand that. My possessiveness and jealousy wouldn’t allow it before, but life has a way of driving its points home.

My mother asked me, “Are you afraid of being in a relationship because you think you’ll have to change the way you dress and what you post on social media? What does posting the way you do do for you? What do you get out of that?” Her questions didn’t upset me at all. My mother always asks to gain a better understanding. She’s a Virgo as well, so I get it. I wouldn’t say I fear being in a relationship because I would have to change anything, because I wouldn’t change anything about myself unless I wanted to. I do, however, refuse to even entertain a man I felt would try to change me. If that means being alone then so be it. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who tries to dictate to me what I can and cannot wear, who I can and cannot associate with, where I can and cannot go, what I can and cannot write about, or anything else. I honestly post for ME. I love my body, my hair, my sexiness, my sensuality, my free spiritedness, my mind, my flaws, and everything else about me. I wear what I wear, do what I do, and paint my toenails the color I like because I genuinely just like me and what I like. If anyone else happens to like it also that just makes it a bit sweeter. I don’t thirst trap. I post what’s appealing to me and what rings true for ME. I’m not out here looking to get chose or for a husband. What’s meant to be will be whether or not I’m out here dressed like a ho or covered head to toe, which I never will be, by the way. I absolutely love the female form, and find nothing wrong with its nakedness. Perverted thinking and religion have made a natural thing of beauty out to be something defiled and unholy.

I don’t know where the whole mindset of telling women they have to look, act, and dress certain ways in order to be wives as if being a wife is the be all end all of life originated, but fuck that. I’ve been married, and quite frankly I prefer being single. I don’t shun marriage at all, and if I ever do it again I would prefer it be with a man I consider my best friend, someone I can be totally naked, open, and vulnerable with, and someone who sees my freeness as something to be embraced and not shunned. I’m appreciative of people who are mature enough to accept all of me and let me be great. 

Anxiety: Beggar of Simplicity

A few days ago I was struggling with anxiety. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from and was bothered by the fact it was disrupting my already hard to come by sleep at night. The only other time I recall taking notice of anxiety was back in late 2014-early 2015 right before I was laid off my job. Back then I didn’t question what was making me anxious and panicky; I just knew I was tired of my job. On top of being sexually harassed every single day I reported to work, I felt trapped, stuck, and stagnant and as if I was wasting my life away. It never dawned on me to dig inside in an effort to find the source. Unlearned lessons are lesson repeated, right? Back to present day. Over the last two years I have been going through an entire metamorphosis of sorts: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc. No part of my life has remained untouched by changes.

The other night I decided I was going to have to work things out and demand answers from God, my higher self, spirit, pray, meditate with my crystals, burn some lavender and ylang ylang, and anything else I needed to do to be okay and find answers to this anxiety thing because I didn’t like the way I was feeling. Eventually I calmed myself down and quietly asked, “What is causing this anxiety?” The answer softly replied to me was, “Money and love.” I knew exactly what that meant. Then I asked myself, “What are your heart’s truest desires?” The things that were causing the anxiety were nowhere in the answer to that. I was stressing over things that in the end didn’t even matter to the essence of who I am, things that could easily be resolved if I stopped worrying about them and followed the promptings of my heart and soul, if I started working in my purpose. When I asked what my heart’s desires were, the answer was: A home, candle making, creating bath and body products, yoga, and traveling the world helping and empowering women and girls. My heart’s desires are simple, pure. That put me at ease. The anxiety was caused by what I thought I should have but feared I would never have or have enough of. I have now started making myself enjoy and live in the moments I currently reside in and take everything one day at a time while working to provide my heart with what it wants: simplicity, beauty, and peace. The money will come, and the love was always there in many different forms. I am complete. I came here complete. Now it’s a matter of remembering who and what I was when my soul decided it was time to occupy earth and utilize the inherent power of my soul.  

When The Women Gather

I thoroughly enjoy spending time with the matriarchs of our family and just wise older women in general. My mother taught me how to be a lady along with so many other things, and I love her so much for that. I promise I could write an entire book about my mother and her ways. Truly I am the wisdom of my mother. I have an aunt, my mom’s older sister, who I will forever cherish. She was one of the only aunties I have who spent one on one time with me. She always had a dresser full of expensive perfumes that she used to let me try whenever I went over, and she bought me my first bottle of “grown up” perfume. Her style was so classy, chic, and understated. I loved watching my mother fix my auntie’s hair, and the style was always the same: a jet black mid-back length weave with a side part. Simple, classic, understated. I inherited a refined sense of style and love of beautiful healthy hair from her and my mother. I was allowed to sit in the living room and watch my mother transform her sister’s hair as I listened to them talk about life. I don’t recall any gossip about anyone, and that’s what set them apart from many other women to me. I was allowed to stay around when she visited because they weren’t talking “grown folks” business which was usually code for sex and gossip about other family members. Something magical happens when the women gather. The women in my family have a way of healing one another simply through doing women things like hair, exchanging makeup tips, complimenting how fine the other is, exaggerating about how naughty our children are, and just simply lying under each other. We learn so much from each other about life in general by simply being free to be who we are when we are together. Our gatherings are love in motion. It’s a beautiful thing to experience and be a part of.