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When I first opened up communication with my insiders I was hit with memory after memory. The flashbacks were horrible and my startle reflex was extremely high. For those who don’t know much about DID, most alters/insiders are like locked doors behind which are memories that have been locked away so the host person can survive, live and function. I think that by me initiating open communication freed some of them to open their doors, but that is my opinion. Anyway I say this as a bases of my fears. I am not mad that they shared the memories with me because it filled the rest of the puzzle in of the memories I already had, it was just difficult to go through.
Two years ago, after being gone for 25 years, I moved back to the hometown I grew up in. At that time until recently I had tried to “close off” my insiders partly for their protection, partly because I didn’t want people to walk away from me if “they only knew” . But thinking about it, I think the main reason, well actually I know the main reason was because I didn’t want to get overwhelmed with memories again. When I first moved back I would get panic attacks just riding the bus past buildings where abuse took place. I didn’t want to have a panic attack in the middle of downtown, so I foolishly decided to “close off” my insiders. The reason I say foolishly is because the way my DID system had gotten to the point where different ones flowed freely so we could function normally. If we were having a panic attack then there was someone who could front who wasn’t affected and others could calm the rest of the system down. If whoever was front was having a flashback, then the one guarding front would pull them in so someone else could front and the one flashing would be taken care of. By me “closing off” my insiders, I threw a wrench in my ability to function normally.
Learning to cope with flashbacks is a necessity for people dealing with ptsd and DID. Sometimes things as small as a sound or smell can trigger a flashback which can lead to a full blown panic attack. Over the years I have learned to cope with flashbacks in different ways and everyone I have talked to has their own way they feel most at ease with. These are just a couple of the things I use when I’m having a flashback:
- Reminding myself of the present date, year etc. That I am no longer a child but an adult and that what I am remembering isn’t happening right now- ie its a memory. *This also helps having someone say it to me.
- Using my senses to draw me back to the present. I think of 3 things I can smell, hear, feel, and see. For example: I can smell coffee toast and eggs, hear the TV, neighbors and cars, feel the floor, chair, desk and see the wall computer, TV. This also helped friends when I was involved with online support groups.
The Faces of Me 
