where the music never fades...

Today marks the end of our long distance relationship. Alan and I will finally be together for good after his 8 months job stint at Melbourne.

I meant to write a long and elaborate reflection on how I spent the last 8 months in Singapore without my husband. But I'm not sure if I'm overwhelmed with emotions or loss for words that I'm having difficulty constructing my sentences together.

It was quite a learning curve. I learnt to live on my own, to solve problems, face challenges and manage my emotions without help that I had been so used to for the last 10 years.

If I had a chance to turn back time, I would choose to leave for Melbourne together.

Nevertheless, God is awesome. He always turns my weaknesses into strength. 

My time of relief.

I had an emotional low last week, also caused by the surge of hormones as my period was due. At this point in time, there are far too many reasons for me to be emotionally down, needy, frustrated, and maybe just a wreck. But I must say, God has been really really good to me; my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

When my boss hired my new deputy, I was nonchalant. I had already plan to resign. While I had previously declined her proposal of a promotion to that deputy position, I had no ill feelings towards this new boss. Strangely though, there were few occasion when I just couldn't allow things to happen the way they did; I had to take charge. Needless to say, while I got the job done, someone wasn't happy. I have since taken two steps back and haven't tried to take charge. I have tried not to provide suggestions in meetings and discussions.


I take pride in initiatives, ideas, plans, etc but now a new reign has taken over. While I always imagine myself to be the best provider of information, history, resources, there was someone who did not appreciate it. All of a sudden, I felt a sense of worthlessness; that I had slogged for 5 years to amount to nothing. It felt like everything I had invested in my job suddenly just wasn't worth anything.


I asked God if whatever I had done was worth nothing. I had done everything to the best I could and to the glory of God.

And then God spoke. He said, it is not what I did for my job that mattered, but the lives I had touched in my workplace that mattered. And God showed me the faces of the people, whose lives I had touched.

I cried that night.

I finally knew the meaning of Christianity and the gospel. All this while, I prayed asking God to teach me how to share the gospel with my colleagues. And this was it; to touch their lives at each and every conversation I have with them. That whenever I made them feel important when I talked to them, it mattered. Whenever I asked if they were doing fine, it mattered. Whenever I showed concern out of selflessness, it mattered.

And it did not matter if my work was worth anything anymore. Because to touch a life is eternal.

And God's goodness just doesn't stop there! When i shared with Alan what God told me that night, he reaffirmed it - if I had not touched Cynthia's life, he would not have a place to stay in Melbourne right now.

There is no greater joy than to share this with someone I love.

Some days at work, my boss gives me tasks that stretches me, sometimes stresses me.

Some days at work, I can afford to pretend everything's okay.

Some days at work, I can't.

The current state of my mind is to end the wait as soon as possible and to do the bare minimum at work. But I can't help feeling obligated to help and to improve myself in the process. Everytime I meet with an issue, I try to convince myself that there is no point in pursuing further. Everytime I fail.

I guess God just made me this way; to solve problems.

I adopted a hands-free management style. Fierce and demanding personality, especially when it comes to my own staff. I actually have high expectations because I'm leading a team of experienced staff. Turns out, being bossy isn't the way forward.

I had a deep reflection yesterday, on my work habits, on my response to situations. I often found myself at fault. True, I had a hard time controlling my emotions ever since Alan left for Melbourne. But that isn't excusable. I have to learn to keep a professional image at work, the least. Instead of pulling the facts and figures out, like I normally used to, I asked open-ended questions, I listened, I apologised. Well I didn't have to apologise, I just felt the need to. 

I prayed last night, I prayed this morning. But God only gave me the words to speak during the conversations. Sometimes I expect God to answer my prayer or show me a sign before I take that step of faith. Sometimes, God just wants me to take the step first.

The conversations reminded me of a very dark past; a past that is hidden in the depths of my memory. I never liked to talk about it, nor reminiscence it. It seemed glorious leading a cell group, being a key leader, but it was hard work. Very hard work. No amount of words nor vocabulary can describe the pain, the hurt I had as a cell leader. No doubt I don't regret the experience, I wouldn't hope the same for anyone.

Today, no matter how much stress and demands I face at work, I know I can stand strong because I'm no longer alone and I've been through worse times. And I know my God is for me.

Last night, I received news that one of my capable colleagues was offered an MA position and she had already agreed. I was disappointed because it felt she was taking a step back in her career path. It just seemed to me that it wouldn't be a wise decision. I manage to hold myself and talked to her in the best unbiased mind I had.

I felt even worse learning the reason of her move - that she couldn't agree with her team lead on many things and that she didn't look up to her. Apparently what I saw from the outside was not a true reflection on what was happening inside the team. When I told her I believed that she could find a job anywhere else with her capabilities, she teared because she felt she wasn't marketable enough. I was so sad; I couldn't understand why she felt like that.

I don't know if it's because I have so much experience dealing with teenagers in church that caused me to look at people and situations differently. The feeling I had while talking to her felt really familiar; God showed me that I could perform the same counseling in office as I did in church. Well, it felt like a really good opportunity to share Christ... but I didn't.

While I have my own set of problems at work, dealing with people and managing demands, I can't help but prioritise a person's growth - be it my teammates or someone from another team/department. I always feel the need to share my knowledge. That is my source of energy; it drives me.

Ever since I took up the team lead role, I've had nothing but new experiences - my first resignation letter, my first internal transfer, my first hire. I'm definitely hitting milestones at 27. Like what yuppies say now - achievements unlocked.

I'm thankful to God that I've made it a point to bless people around me. If there is an opportunity I could educate, impart, help, I will allow the Holy Spirit to guide my lips and actions. I'm thankful to God that I have a husband who has the same goals as me. I pray that we will never stop believing and trusting God to use us as vessels.

It's been a month and 11 days since Alan left for Melbourne. It's been exactly a month since I last blogged to unload my emotions. I'm guessing it's a good start for another 8 months to leave Singapore and another month before I spend a week at Melbourne.

The past 2 weeks at work had been truly miserable. I am so glad those days are behind me. Not only had I to deal with my long distance relationship, I had to go through the worst 2 weeks of work in my 5 years stay in this bank practically alone. I am sure only God allows such things to happen.

Ever since Alan left for Melbourne, I had trouble sleeping; I never had difficulty sleeping in my entire life. Work made it even worse and caused my mind and heart to be so occupied with plans and frustrations. I was so sleep-deficient that I couldn't control my emotions. Thank God, I still had some awareness that something wasn't right.

I guess it's only through tough times that I'm forced to depend on God and seek His wisdom. I'm glad that in the worst of times, I am still reminded of God's amazing grace. I'm glad my husband's wise words were to pray before going to work.

And that was the only thing that pulled me through the last 2 weeks - nothing but God's grace and mercy.

I believe everything happens according to God's plan and things happens so long as God allows it. I used to wonder why difficult projects and tasks will constantly land in my hands. I used to try to think of ways to push them away or procrastinate. Always, when I decide to commit them to God and ask God to guide me, doors will just unexpectedly open. And this has been a constant throughout the 5 years I've worked here. Coincidence? God is faithful. Whatever the impossible, God allows it because His miracle is performed through me. It is always a reminder that He is with me, protecting me, blessing me.

I see God's favour on me in this place, which is why I work my butt off no matter how difficult the task is or how impossible people are. I know at the end of everyday, God prevails.

The last time I blogged was in 2013, before I got married. After I got married, I gained a new outlet to pour out my grievances to and to articulate my thoughts - my dear husband.

Well, reason for this blog post isn't because the outlet is unavailable, but I realised that I do need to write certain events down for keepsake. This is one of the first go-to places whenever something unfortunate happens to me. This keeps me sane and reminds me that bad things has happened in my life before and I should move on like how I've always done.

This week has been rather eventful. It started out horrible as it is the first time (as far as I can remember) that I've been back-stabbed. Actually to think of it, I must be really fortunate to only experience this at age 27. Haha. Well, this happened in the office, and it concerns my rice bowl, so I was pretty much affected by it.

Certainly working for the same boss for X number of years doesn't count as much as it used to before. Everytime something like this happens in the office, I begin to regret the job opportunity I had with a bank I didn't really want to work for...

After being accused by my boss for something I didn't do, I was terribly upset. My morale was rock bottom. I just didn't want to put in any effort at work anymore. I decided to stick to the 9-6 routine and offer no more than my minimum output. Who cared about my foresight for things anyway, so I thought.

I took to baking. Which is weird because I hardly baked, and I hardly ate anything baked. Haha. Surprisingly, baking made me realise that there are other things in life besides work and playing computer games.

During the D&D, I had this short conversation with a new colleague from Compliance, who left a Swiss bank for a local bank. When I questioned her move, she shrugged and said "whoever pays more" and "I don't have attachment to my employers".

I found no wrong in that sentence. After all, we all work to eke out a living.

And I feel, that should always be the case. I shouldn't put all my focus and energy in my job and neglect the other areas of my life. I had a lot of thought on whether my job would just be a job or a career and what it means to have a career. I have no answer for that at the moment.

Anyway, to close off the issue of the back-stabbing incident, I learnt that the accuser actually confessed her sins to another colleague. I thought to myself how silly this is; I feel like student life all over again.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

I never quite understood the phrase "Don't take life too seriously".
I used to think I was doing alright; making fun of everything, being reasonably nice to people around me. I had a new meaning for the phrase just after the Young Adult's Retreat.

It meant that life is never perfect; we make mistakes, we move on.
It meant that I don't have to take every expectation of me seriously; it's afterall my life.
It meant that what has happened may not happen again; nothing is permanent.
It meant that not every decision is important.

There are many facets of life. Through this retreat, I learned how to be positive and with an open mind, expect God to show up. I realised that until I am willing to fail and surrender to God that there's nothing I can do, I will never have a breakthrough.

Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong that morning of the retreat and by night, I was too tired to be part of what was defined fun 10 years ago: camp games. I almost convinced myself that even if I were to turn up the next morning for the retreat, it wouldn't make a difference to the retreat.

I stuck to my principles, grit my teeth, and took the train to Tampines anyway.

Halfway through the journey, I got a call from Ps Daph saying she would be driving down for groceries and would be able to pick me up. Suddenly things turned for the better?

Upon reaching the chalet, I was pleasantly surprised to see how comfortable it was!Even though the games were a bit lame, we had lots of fun and even enjoyed the night karaoke.

Day two was just amazing how the short sharing sessions and the barbecue turned out.

God is just amazing. When I was prepared to be disappointed, He turns up and shows me that He honours the little faith I have.

I didn't do much for this camp; don't even mention praying. All my years of planning camps and retreats proved this to be a failure and a mediocre one the very least. I was humbled in my pride and bad experience. Surely, God is greater than all these.

I never realised I took so many things too seriously that I've lost the joy of enjoying the process and allow God to make changes to my schedules and routines. I shouldn't be so regimental.

Right now, all I wish is for all the negativity in my office to go away. I realised I'm a sucker for negativity and it's so hard to look on the bright side of life anymore. I need joy; and help. Haha.

As usual, I had lots of topics/essays in mind for a blog post today. I gave up flaunting my writing skills because I just didn't want to fall back on the habit of writing every problem down and exaggerate how horrible the feelings I have are. If I were to read this 2 years down the road, I wouldn't be able to recall what had happened anyway.

But I do want my future self to remember the following:
- There is no perfect solution to any problem.
- Life is unpredictable; don't make it predictable. You can't anyway.
- There is no such thing as a right choice. At best, an informed choice.
- Life will never be easy. Take a break.
- Commit everything to God and let the Holy Spirit guide your decisions.
- Always talk to God when you're feeling down.
- Live. Don't just exist.

Everyday I feel a bit of emotion coming back; I feel more normal.

It's not that I've forgotten how jaded I used to be or confused for the matter. How could I forget the intense feelings I had.

I've had my share of misgivings and I understand how difficult it is to forgive and forget. I feel God is healing me a little everyday and I'm glad I don't expect my present church or any other church to be perfect. We are all human; and to err is human.

God taught and showed me a lot during these years after I stepped down from leadership, away from the politics and all. It's like a sick person needs to rest in order to recover. I'm having that rest and am on the road to recovery.

I'll never be able to understand why or how certain things happen or certain people behave, probably wouldn't matter when I reach heaven. I'll probably never get answers to questions that have been haunting me for the past 10 years. But one thing I've come to terms, is that it doesn't matter.

I can't grab hold of new things if I'm never going to let the past go.

Letting go was never this difficult.

But you know, it just takes a little bit of humility, a little bit of courage, and a little bit of faith of course.

God is good, all the time.

A few days back, I decided to read up on whether I had a disorder for being emotionless most of the time. Turns out, there is a personality trait that puts me in a greater risk of having a psychological disorder.

I started to condemn myself for the way I am. I was disappointed to know that it wasn't because of emotional trauma and definitely not temporary.

My wonderful boyfriend thought otherwise and insisted there was nothing wrong with me; just I was probably a little too bored.

Anyway, the crux of this event made me realise that we all have psychological disorders one way or another. Some are just more serious/extreme than most. We're all different. We don't have the same quirks just as we don't face the same problems in life. Yes similar but never the same.

Everyone has their battle(s) to fight. We should never compare lives nor experiences. Just as how God reminded me of how He brought me through tough times, He may not come through in the same way for another person.

It's so easy to get distracted by the things in life, be it important or unimportant. It's so easy to just play candy crush all day and not worry about a single thing. But ultimately, what matters, matters most, and it will hit at a time unexpected.

It's been three months into adjusting to a new role in my job. I am feeling the pressure just like any other new job and environment and sometimes I really wonder if this is worth it. Was it worth it to leave my previous position to pursue something I thought/still think is good for my knowledge and experience in the future? Some days I really wonder if it would mean an easier future or a good career progression if I had stayed on.

Well, I did pray about the switch for quite a while and I knew my previous role couldn't entertain my mind anyway. I guess deep in my heart I knew the switch would be eventual since I'm such a stubborn person.

But I'm definitely happier than a year ago and my heart has less stress than before. I can even afford time to teach the contracts.

I now have time to think about what I want to do for the other part of my life. I now have time to find back my passion in life.

I used to be really passionate about things that mattered a lot to me. I used to go all the way to fight for these things. I don't think my passion was lost overnight but through a season of depression and jadedness. I guess I never did come to terms with reality. I never quite understood why.

Perhaps such questions in life just can't be answered.

But slowly, and surely, I'm finding that passion back. It's more than a passion in life; it's the passion to live. Whatever happened, has happened. I can't turn back time no matter how I long for. When God brought a familiar person to me, that feeling of relief was a sign that I have moved on; and I should really move on.

One of my favourite moments in the Bible is when Gideon tested God with the fleece of wool. I used to think that if I wanted to confirm a certain impression, I just had to ask God to show me some sign and I would obey. God challenged me instead. When Gideon tested God, he set the fleece of wool for God to perform the miracle. Gideon didn't just wait for something to happen, he actually took the first step of setting the fleece. He knew God would perform the miracle.

I have to set my fleece of wool too.

I don't have a good memory. Sometimes I even wonder why I don't remember. Thank God for calendars and phone reminders.

God has been prompting me to read through church camp journals; those that survived till date. I finally relented today. Turns out I have serious memory loss issues.

I don't know if it's a coincidence but most of the entries I read today were deeply rooted convictions within myself. And surprisingly, they were also entries of when Alan and I first started dating.

It was like a sudden flashback - the struggles we had, the struggles I had myself.

It's always easy to look back and say, 'well, we couldn't have done it without God'. But to read the entries I had then, it was impossible without God.

Over the years, God has indeed been faithful and gracious. His promises are good and true. No matter what happened, His hands were always holding us together. If there's anything I could testify to this relationship, it's that God is the source of our strength and love. He's the one who guides and paths the way for us. And because God is the centre of us all, there's nothing more I can ask for I know there can be nothing better than with God in the midst of us.

6 years ago I never would have thought that I would be getting married. I never would have known that the tiny amount of faith I had for the unknown would turn out to be something so beautiful.

And it's the same for anything we put our trust in God for. If we commit it to God and according to God's will, it'll turn out beautiful because all things work for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.

“I gave you empty stomachs in every city
and lack of bread in every town,
yet you have not returned to me,”
declares the Lord.

Life used to be about planning events, deciding which route to go home so I could spend more time with my friends, soccer and computer games.

Now, it's about planning my future, deciding when I should meet my friends, health and savings.

I have aged. Haha.

Although life was much simpler then, I do experience more joy and peace in my life now. I'm actually glad that I made right choices and happy with the priorities I have established in my life from young. What was most important to me before is still important to me now and will always be important to me. While events in life may not always go as smoothly as expected and people still disappoint, there isn't a day without God's protection and grace.

So for the good and the bad, I just want to give thanks to God for He is good =)

I'll probably never be able to walk out from this shadow in the near future.

If I had a choice, I would choose to return all the years in that position and start afresh.

After almost 2 years, the past still haunts me and I'm still learning to forgive.