I just finished a goal setting program to help you feel great.  It is point oriented and works to set good habits and goals in your personal life, health, spiritual life and just making good choices in general.  I wrote about how I felt about it but more importantly what I learned.  It's lengthy but worth the read if you want to be inspire to do something good for yourself and need a little motivation to be accountable.

I have had some really deep thoughts about this great in 8 weeks program.  I love symbolism and I love finding types of Christ and things relating to the plan of salvation. Focusing on this program so much I was able to see lots of symbolism.  First of all I like to be accountable.  I like to be able to quantitatively look at the good my choices are producing and see improvement.  I like to be free to choose and this program is not restrictive.  You can spend your time anyway you want or eat whatever you want you just have to be accountable for it.  I like being able to see how I have used my time during the day.  At the end of the week I could see how much I read my scriptures, prayed and exercised.  I could reflect on how my week went, how I feel, how well I handled disappointment or challenges and see if there was a positive or negative correlation to how I spent my time or what I ate.

I am a point hound.  I don’t get any reward for getting the most points or hitting a certain level.  But marking down points on a piece of paper was rewarding enough.  I have a hard time remembering to take my vitamin.  Even when I remember and I am in the kitchen I talk myself out of it.  How crazy it that?  But because I could get two points a day for it, you bet I took my vitamin daily almost without fail. Sometimes there are things in life that are good for us and we know it but for some reason we “forget” to include it in our day, prayer, complimenting others, smiling, showering.  Showing love to others is like vitamins are to my body, it nourishes me and I need to focus on expressing love, acceptance and satisfaction with those I profess to love.

Focusing on points and setting goals to reach a point level really kept me doing good things with my time, especially my personal worship.  It also helped me look ahead and plan what I was going to do to earn all the points I could that week and then review at the beginning of each day my goals and make time for them.  The same week I chose to make it a goal to reach 800 is the week that you could get 5 points for personal prayer, up to 15 points each day.  I almost missed this fine print.  I thought to myself has that always been there? I checked back over the past weeks and nope, this week it was an extra.  So I made sure I said personal prayers 3 times a day.  I almost always pray once, often twice but much less often 3 times.  I will say a quick prayer in my heart at different times of the day but this specific week I made sure I got down on my knees 3 different times each day. For my diligence I got more than points awarded to me for doing that.

I laugh with how honest I kept myself.  I mean I would not give myself points if I didn’t fit the letter of the law so to speak.  I did not give myself much wiggle room.  I held myself to a high standard and would not cheat to give me points.  I find it funny because no one else would see the papers, I wasn’t in competition with anyone, I was just trying to be my best.  Only the Lord and I knew.  I knew if I cheated it would only hurt me and who I was becoming.  There are things only God and I see so there is room for plenty of justification, or hiding bad choices. And that is the point, in life my integrity, or lack of it only hurts me.

 I also found it interesting the week I had a goal to hit 800 and accomplished it, one of the first things I noticed is that I was only 26 points away from getting 900.  Immediately my inner thoughts said “if only I would have done this or that or not done this I could have got 900 easy.”  That was my perfectionist personality kicking in.  I did have a brief moment of victory, good job Heather, but then my mind went to “now what could I have don’t to do better”.  I did stop myself before it went too far and said out loud “I am proud of you, you worked hard and sacrificed and did the best you could, you have to make choices with how you spend your time and you cannot do it all, be ok with what is.” 

And so I was and decided to take it easy the last week.  I am letting my good habits I have formed ride me through to the end, but I am not as vigilant about getting 46 minutes of exercise or 30+ minutes of scripture reading.  If I only get 32 minutes of exercise, hey I exercised.  If 17 minutes of scripture time was all I found worked into my day, I was not going to sacrifice family time or needs to squirrel away and read 13 more minutes.  I am not eating after 8, I am trying to get all my servings of fruits and vegetables and drink water.  I make sure I pray and read scriptures and take a walk.   I have learned that those are the things that make the most difference to me in how I feel and how I cope with life.

Just like with this program I am sometimes too hard on myself in that I expect myself to be progressing toward perfection at a faster pace.  I analyze/criticize what I could be doing better without really giving myself the acknowledgement and pat on the back I need in recognition of all that I have already become.  I fail to see that I have already done so much with the talents God has given me, I have and continue to fulfill my patriarchal blessing.  I do feel the Lord is pleased with my efforts and is tickled with my victories and smiles in my direction often.  He also knows I will turn to Him when I have a bad week and not let myself get too discouraged and just give up. 

I imagine we lost a lot of sisters along the way who started this program but for one reason or another did not make it a serious part of their life and stopped doing it.  Maybe it wasn’t the right time for them to focus on this right now, we can only do so much, but there is a life lesson here.  Written into the program were days that we could earn points for calling a team member to encourage them or tell them something that was working well for you.  The program has built in help in that we were organized into teams.  We were suppose to encourage each other and earn points for it.  You had to call your team leader each week and report your points for the week.  I found this so helpful.  I was not in this alone, other women were taking this challenge as well and we were all improving ourselves from differing staring points at our own pace.  I learned from my team leader to focus on one big change a week and then add another and another.

One of the biggest lesson to me during this whole experience and likeness to the Gospel was the daily point earners each day from the category in the middle.  I could get points each day for obeying the word of wisdom (not smoking or drinking) and eating all my fruits and veggies and personal prayer.  But I could not make up points from missing them the day before, or get extra points for the next day if I read scriptures for more than the 30 minutes I could get points for.  Much like the manna in the wilderness that the children of Israel had to collect daily, so were the personal choices that made up my sustenance.  The Lord forbade them to pick up more that they could eat in one day, if they gathered more or kept leftovers it would spoil.  What if they could stockpile it, and then not work for several days?; they could get lazy, out of the habit of daily work.  What would they do with their new found free time while everyone else was collecting manna, would they use it for good, or to satisfy their whims or lusts? Then would be hard to get back to the work of collecting food when their pile ran out?  Maybe it is the same with me, I need a daily dose of personal worship, exercise, nutrition to diligently be moving forward filling my life with good things.  One day I would not notice a difference, maybe even two or three, but I would be losing the habit of daily scripture reading and praying and be making excuses.  Almost imperceptibly I would feel less close to God, less of His influence, less whisperings of the Spirit, more left to myself.  One hour of scripture reading one day does not count for 2 days of reading 30 minutes.  I think it’s the frequent intervals more than the marathon of time.  Daily worship gives me needed daily vision and points the intentions of my heart in the right direction.  (ha ha, I said points, think I am obsessed?)

Overall I have learned much, I have been reminded that I cannot do everything and its ok, I do not have to do everything to be filling my life with good things.  I have learned to focus on 1 or 2 things a week and get relatively good at them, then add more good things in instead of getting overwhelmed by trying to add them all at the same time.  I have learned that I cannot wait till the end of the day or the next to recap the choices I have made, I need to record or account for them daily.  I have learned that to focus on a life changing program like this I have to keep it in front of me.  By that I mean I cannot tuck the pink papers away in a drawer or file.  I need to keep them out, on my nightstand, on the kitchen counter, or on the desk where I can see them.  I took them with me in my purse to pick up my kids or anywhere I thought I would have a minute to record my choices so far for the day.  Keeping it always before my eyes kept it in my remembrance and helped me focus.  I continually reviewed all the good choices I could be making. 

It is the same way with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  If I do not keep the words of the Apostles and Prophets always before my face and in my life filling my time practicing the principles they teach, I will not shape my life around their teachings, which are the teachings of Christ.

While I am ready to be done focusing my daily life around these pink papers, I am grateful I took the challenge and did it and finished it and was diligent, not perfect, but diligent.  8 weeks is a long time.  I am glad it was 8 weeks although secretly I was ready to be done after week 6.  Not only does Great in 6 not sound as rhythmic as great in 8, it also gave me more weeks to mess up and be able to try again.  It gave me weeks where I did not feel good and needed to rest.  It gave me time to develop more than one or two good habits and gave me time to complete many personal goals since you get to focus on a different personal goal each week with a few extra thrown on top.  In short, it game me time to keep trying to do better and the end did not come before I had had my share of successes and failures.  So it is with the coming of the Lord or with the timing or our lives, we will have enough time, if we stay in the process and don’t give up, to work out our own salvation.  The Lord will not cut us off if we are sincerely and earnestly seeking the kingdom.  He understands bad days, and not feeling good, and even having a spell of rebelliousness.  But if we continue to refocus each week and start again, there will be just enough beginnings that we might have a happy ending.

I hope that my team learned from their successes and failures doing this program as well and it will be a life awakening experience for them as it has been for me.

40th Birthday Resolutions

I had a 40th Birthday Bash with two of my best friends.  JJ Ferreira had her 40th birthday the week before and Heather Fellows who was turning 39 has the same birthday as me.  So the three of us decided to do a big birthday celebration in the middle of our birthdays and go camping with our families to the beach.  We camped at Bodega Dunes on the Sonoma Coast and had a party at Portuguese Beach the next day where we invited friends and family.

Our families enjoyed each other very much especially because the three of us had not been together for 3 years; ever since the fellows moved to Utah.  Our kids got reacquainted as we set up our tents on top of a sand dune in between our three campsites.  It was very windy.  Not breezy in a pleasant way but gusty blow the tent over windy.  We plunged ahead and began to enjoy ourselves.  Somewhere between dinner and campfire the wind died down.  Heather F made us song books and she played her guitar and we sang 80's and 90's music with our children while roasting HUGE marshmellows and tropical starburst. JJ and Heather and I planned a campfire cake.  It was a cheesecake that had Pirouette roll cookies on top to look like logs and 40 candles bunched up in the middle.

The birthday girls with our cake all aglow.  40 is a lot of candles

  I brought bubbles and cut open a glow stick, poured in the liquid and made the bottle of bubbles glow.

Geneya, Leah and Chase up a tree at our campsite

 Chase at campfire

Heather F on guitar with 2 year old Lila rockin out

 Heather F and her daughter Hannah

 Russ shooting the breeze at lunch in my poncho, I was so please he wanted to wear it.

We went to bed late and listened to the skunk walk around the camp sniffing out the starburst dropped into the sand.  The next morning we packed up camp and headed to the beach.  We BBQ lunch in the parking lot and had a feast.  The weather was warm, no fog, no wind and no seagulls.  I thank Chase for that, Russ says they were scared of him and stayed away.  I had a friend I invited from Benton's swim team come with her family.  I enjoyed their company but I think my 15 year old was glad they came since they also have a 15 year old.  They played on wave skimmers all afternoon.

Benton and Chase in front of the pit they dug, but this pic. does not show the pit.

One of the highlights was the arrival of Denae Hurd a mentor from our youth.  She was the girl's camp director during our early teen years and invited us and our friends to her home in Woodland to hang out often and play live music with electric instruments in her third floor attic/party room.  JJ, Denae and I took a walk and hiked up the side of the cliff that follows the beach and had a beautiful view and a good talk and catching up.  Denae coming made it very special for me.

Heather F., Sarah Anderson, Denae Hurd, JJ and me

I enjoyed it all, even the ride home as my face and legs started to burn with too much sun.  I was beat but I had celebrated with style. My face has been peeling for 2 days.
 On my actual birthday, I spent the morning in the Oakland temple with Heather F and her husband Mark who is a fabulous husband to make this trip workout for her.  We did her grandmother's temple work and sealed her grandmother to her parents and Heather's mother Nancy who passed away a few years ago to her mother.  It was wonderful.  I love to be in the temple on my birthday.  It marks the day I left my heavenly presence so I like to go back their to celebrate with my Heavenly Father.  I felt great.  Took a couple of pictures of myself outside until Heather and Mark came out and we took some together.

I have looked forward to turning 40 for a couple of years with joyful anticipation.  Looking back, I have no regrets.  I have had plenty of frustration and failure but I have never felt that I was not doing what I should be.  When I felt I was missing something I worked hard to figure out what and become what I needed to for what was coming .  Here are some things I have been contemplating as I have turned 40 and made some resolutions.

• Eat for health not for habit or hunger
• I do not have a "bucket list" but I will seize the moment and live to be doing the right thing at the right time with the right people, enjoying the journey instead of enduring to the end
• Live for my own personal happiness.  I cannot make others happy.  Happy is a personal choice.  I CAN lighten their load and love them no matter what.  I will choose to be joyful and invite others to join me.
• I'm not sucking in my tummy anymore (which means I will probably look 5 months pregnant most of the time but who cares).  I have noticed if affects my singing, which I plan on improving...soon.

More pictures at the bottom of the post

The following is a letter I wrote to my Nephew Mitchell Marcum as he graduates from High School this weekend.  I have been working on a quilt for him this year as is my tradition for all the nieces and nephews in my family.

            Mitch,

I present this quilt to you as a graduation present from our family with the intention that it is for you to take to college to start the new phase of your life. A special note: grandma Marcum appliquéd the kanju characters on the fabric for me so I could work them in the quilt and she did a beautiful job of something that was beyond my skill.

As I have quilted for you this year a wonderful analogy of life has appeared before my eyes.  This quilt has gone through many stages of production.  First I gathered information from you, your preferences and likes.  Then I researched the kanji characters and oriental quilt designs and went shopping the fabric.  I even made an appointment to consult a quilting professional about my fabrics and design ideas and got some very helpful feedback.

Once I got the fabric home and before I could even cut one piece I needed to wash, dry and iron all of it.  I learned to do this from your grandma Marcum.  She taught me to always wash the fabric and dry it in the dryer so if it’s going to shrink or change from washing it does it before you have it sewn into your project and avoids washing problems later when your project is completed.  It is always hard to wait to start the quilt and not skip this step but its important do things in order.

After all the fabric is ironed I begin cutting measured strips and making the piece to be sewn together in blocks.  At this point the quilt still does not look like anything, just hundreds of scrap pieces of many different fabrics.  It takes vision to keep going with so much work to do; vision of what the quilt will be, knowing I have to cut up that beautiful fabric to get it into the shape and design that I mean for it to be.  While the fabric itself is beautiful, it is not yet a quilt. 

I then began sewing triangles together to make squares.  Square after square, in all my spare moments, my sewing machine lived on our dinner table for days at a time.  It even went to seminary with me and I sewed thru seminary while waiting to drive my carpool home.  Then I ironed (again) all the quilting blocks I made and laid them out in a pattern to make sure it was going to look how I envisioned it to be.  Then I would sew them all together to make the next border, enlarging the quilt attaching each piece just right to continue the pattern. 

To keep the vision of what the quilt was suppose to look like I would have to change my perspective and stand up on a high platform to take a look from far above because sometimes I was too close to the quilt and could not see it for what it truly was.  Changing my perspective and taking a step back and observing it made all the difference in the direction I would go next, what color I would use, what direction I would lay the quilting blocks. 

Often the material would slip while sewing or I would sew the wrong piece in the wrong place.  The velveteen material was particularly difficult to sew together; it shifted constantly so the pieces would be uneven after I would sew them.  I took out my seam ripper, countless times, and would take out the stitching and redo it right.  I think I sewed this quilt 3 times with all the ripping I did.  And while it is still not perfect, it turned out the best I could make it, lining things up, keeping points of triangles, and trying to keep all the sides even.  It is usable and has been worth my time.

Over the past 3 months I had to choose how I spent my time carefully so I would be able to finish it before your graduation.  I had many things competing for my time but I stayed focused and did not let the distractions detour me from my goal.  I took care of the important things but said no to many leisure activities and other nice things to do.  I also tried hard not to work on the other projects around the home vying for my time.  I would set up goals for myself to complete certain stages by specific deadlines and it helped me keep on track.  I had a few setbacks but  I took them in stride instead of getting frustrated or panicked or losing hope.  I tried to always let the joy of creating something for someone I love be at the forefront of my mind and enjoy the process and find joy in the moment.

I have seen this experience as an analogy to how your life is unfolding.  You also have to have a vision of what your life is going to be in the end so as you make ‘fabric choices’ and ‘cut to make pieces for quilt blocks’ you will make the right cuts, the right choices so when you put the pieces together it will be harmonious and beautiful.  It is a lot of work in the beginning, and doesn’t seem like you are making much progress because there is so much ground work to prepare for the assembly of the quilt.  You have spent the majority of your life gathering your supplies, consulting professionals and being tutored by the best in how to live your life.  You have been gaining skills to put your ‘quilt’ together. 

Following the steps in the right order will be key to your happiness like mission, marriage, children.  Skipping steps to prepare your fabric will make trouble in your future.  If you don’t prewash the fabric, if your core foundation of gospel principles are not in place and concrete, they won’t wash well through the wear of life and become an unsightly pucker in your quilt and may even cause seams to come apart.

As you progress in life and put together all the pieces you have prepared for your final quilt, you will sometimes have to stand back and look at things from a new perspective.  Often a higher perspective will help, a heavenly perspective.  The times when I cannot appreciate the beauty in my life are because I am too close to a situation and cannot appreciate what this piece looks like in the overall picture.  I need to step back and get the bigger picture.  In addition to personal scripture study, (which has made all the difference in my life) the temple is the place that I can get that perspective, it changes my focus and helps me see things as they really are and how it can all come together.  If my perspective does not improve with a trip to the temple I at least leave with peace and a renewed hope that what I am doing is all worth it and there is someone who can see the bigger picture and He is really the master designer.

Sometimes you will put the wrong pieces together by accident because you got them turned around the wrong way, and sometimes because you thought it would look good that way.  As you try to move forward with the next border of your quilt you will realize it just won’t work out to have it put together in that way.  This can be discouraging because it means you’ve wasted a lot of work and time and sometimes materials.  But it’s important to the finished product that you redo it right.  The seam ripper can be your best friend, just like the atonement, it lets you repent a stitch or two, (or a whole boarder) so you can put it the right way.   When you find the mistake you may be tired or at your wits end and are overwhelmed by the mistake and the work it will take to fix it.  Take a page from my book, go to bed and get some rest, things will look better in the morning.

               You will find that your seams in life, even if they are off just a little bit will make a big difference to how the next part of your life will fit up against it.  It’s important to hold to baptismal and temple covenants, they have power and protection from things in this life that would destroy you or keep you from adding beautiful things to your life down the road.  Don’t get distracted from your purpose or let unimportant things take up your time here on earth.  Live each day with a plan and goals to reach that purpose.

As your life’s quilt comes together, each next step will feel right and will fit together.  The design will come together in a way that you never imagined it would but it will be what it is suppose to be if you have listened to the Master Designer.  The choices you have made and time you have spend putting your life’s quilt together will be able to wrap around you and give you warmth and comfort and be a thing of beauty and admiration forever.

Your next step while daunting is so important.   You have been given wonderful and beautiful raw materials for your life’s quilt.  Start cutting up your material Mitch, and putting it together in a remarkable way.  I for one want to see the finished product.

Love,

Aunt Heather, designer and seamstress, Uncle Russ, who funded the project and didn’t complain about pancakes for breakfast once a week for two months, and the rest of the gang who mostly just admired the process and can’t wait for their turn

The whole quilt front

The middle panel and first border

The back I patch worked from leftover velveteen

I love how his mind works

My youngest of four is 5, n-e-a-r-l-y 6 .  I crack up at how his mind works, most days.  We were having family night the other night and we finished it off with a game.  Pit to be exact, you know that game where you have to collect the whole suit by trading cards with each other--all at the same time--everyone talking at once, over the top of each other, no turn taking, no order, just loose rules of what you can and can't do.  Not my favorite game that we own, in fact I had found a way out of playing by offering to make smoothies for dessert.  It was my turn for family night treat.  On a tangent, it seems its mostly my turn for family night treat.  Even when its someone else's turn to make treat, guess who gets to help facilitate that? me.  Guess who has to buy the ingredients or find them in the pantry? me.  Or guess who has to give directions from the couch to my husband about where to find the cinnamon that is actually in plain site on the shelf or how to put it together?, me.  At least I get to sit down right?  But I digress, I am happy I have a family who need me and love to take their turn making wonderful things in the kitchen and that I get to mentor them through the learning curve.

So my 5 year old was playing pit, he was catching on pretty quick as he has partnered with mom and dad several times before.  The round seemed to be going fine, lots of noise, lots of trading, everyone trying to get what they needed and blaming others when they did not get traded the cards they wanted. (Are you getting why I don't really like this game?)  My 5 year old says "Thanks to who ever gave me the bear, I really wanted that".  He was being sincere.  If you don't know the game, its bad to get the bear, it ruins your hand, you can win while you have the bear so you try to trade it away as soon as you can. My husband explains this to him, "You don't want the bear, it makes the market go down in real life and everyone loses money".  My son doesn't look bothered by this at all but a look of "I know how to take care of that", crosses his face and he takes the card out of his hand and tosses it behind him where it lands on the floor.  Nobody really said anything about it at the time, they figured it was the price of letting him play.  During the final round, by now it was just down to my four kids, my husband had fled, my number 2 son says to my 5 year old "You have to stop throwing the bear on the floor when it gets dealt to you."

This is so how his mind works, if something is holding you back get rid of it, ignore it or take it out of the game. That might be why I found a wadded up piece of sandwich in his dirty clothes bin the other day.  He was told he could have something else to eat after he finished his sandwich. Him and his need to have something to eat all the time, but that is a whole other blog in itself.   He knows I am on to him and check the garbage for discarded yet perfectly good food he is bored of.

Now I have to check the laundry basket too.

We will see how good at this I am

I thought this was a fitting title for a new adventure that I feel sure to be bad at.  But every time I look at the name of my blog I will remember I have not failed unless I have given up.  I am doing many good things in my life.  So many that I really don't feel I have time to write about them.  I started a journal on the computer entitled "A Record of Worth" about four years ago and the entries are few and far between.  But I have not given up.  I just count on the silent note taking of the Angels to fill in the missing parts I feel to busy to write about.  I am so busy I even refuse to Facebook, I can barely keep up with email.  But, I received an impression from a whim to sign up for a gmail account.  I am acting on it so I will see where it takes me.

I am currently enjoying a Saturday all to myself, at home, ALONE.  It is a Christmas present from my husband.  He never knows what to get me, I usually don't know what to ask for.  What I want most is peace in the home.  Since I can't get that with everyone here, since I don't control them, my husband agreed to take the mayhem elsewhere so I can have my peace.  I mean really aren't there just some things you ladies want to do at home that you never have time to with everyone at home.  Just think, no interruptions, no cleaning, I don't answer the phone, its all about me.  I made a huge list of possible things to do today and so far have only got 2 done.  Most of my time has been spent on the computer.  I almost never have enough time to get all I need done on the computer completed.  I have half finished research projects, orders to place, information to organize and on and on.  But this is my second to last computer project for the day and I am moving on to the next important thing.  Sometime I feel torn apart by all the started activities, communications, finding things, meal prep and then all the interruptions.  I am home schooling my youngest 2 and my awesome 5 year old wants my attention every few seconds.  (I wish I were being dramatic with that last comment, but its no exaggeration.)

Maybe I will enlist the help of my home schoolers to help me blog.  Then it will be great.