Twilight

I have a confession to make. I stalk blogs, I live other people's lives. Sometimes so much so I forget to live mine.

Tomorrow marks the end of my second week in semester 5. I officially dislike pharmacokinetics. Resolutions of keeping abreast in lectures have unfortunately not been kept. I'm tired and the thought of having to digest all those equations puts me off.

Went to watch Twilight in the Gardens today. I enjoyed the book immensely- it's one of those stories which draws you into it; you lose yourself, you feel each printed word as what it's meant to be: 'fun' smiles cheekily at you, 'shy' steals a furtive glance and offers a hesitating half-smile, 'cold' and 'eerie' look both uncanny and creepy, and 'anger', is red. It's always red for me. White sometimes, if it's cold and steely. If you get what I mean, that is.

Anyway, it was somewhat a slap to my face when the movie exposed whatever thoughts and emotions I entertained while reading the book to be totally corny! Some scenes which were especially poignant to me when I read it, alas, I found to be totally comical and oh so corny I had to laugh (somewhat ashamedly at my own gullibility- is there such a word- for actually drinking it all up in the first place). I am slightly mortified that I have such corniness lurking within me. But it is nice to entertain such thoughts once in a while, it's a luxury I should hold on to. A world where simple girls have names like Isabella Swan and boys are named Edward Cullen. Where a dorky girl of seventeen with no motor coordination skills can fall 'unconditionally and irrevocably in love' with a vampire.

Now that my room is dark and I'm alone past midnight, I recall scenes from the film and they don't seem as bad as I felt they were in the cinema hall. Some things are best left partially hidden in the recesses of the mind. To have it on full-screen display blatantly, is not something I will willingly admit to.

dfdf

Blog-hopping, listening to songs, facebook-ing, tv-ing.
That's my night.

Mr. Sandman,
What takes you so long tonight?
Does the rain deter you?
Have you left me out of your list?
I need you..

sem 5 starts

I'm back to life at vista. A life where I make or find my own food, try not to starve, buy my own toilet paper, and scrub my own toilet floor.

It is quiet. Peacefully quiet. The construction going on right outside my window is halted because today is Sunday. Back at home I wake up to Lite FM blaring from the stereo set in the dining room. And the sound of water trickling noisily into the tub in the bathroom. I plop myself into the cushioned chair in the dining area and open the NST. I always end my reading session with their daily dose of 'baby blues' which I've been following loyally for over maybe 10 years. I suspect it's the familiarity that draws me it; their anecdotes on family and baby life never fail to put a smile on my face.

I can't say I miss Lite FM though. Can't stand half of their songs.

I need to go make my lunch. Back to tuna and pasta it is. :)

5 freaking long hours,
A sore butt, aching back,
and a fried scalp later,

I now have curls on my head.

Hairdresser lied to me that it would take 2 to 3 hours. Instead, I sat for a FREAKING 5 HOURS.
I regretted it barely into one hour of the process.
Me wanna die liao. Do you understand the helplessness I felt while sitting there incapable of moving?

I had several issues to deal with:

1. 'Sayang' my money. The more I thought about it, the more I 'sayang'.... sigh.
---> State of high dissonance
Faster find justification: I promise myself I will not do anything to my hair for a year.
Hairdresser said it can last, I willingly believe him.
Lots of money saved = worth it
---> return to comfortable state of low dissonance

2. cannot take the torture anymore!
---> State of high dissonance
Faster find justification: I promise myself I will never perm my hair anymore.
Lesson learnt.
---> return to comfortable state of low dissonance


There are a lot of curls on my head. It reminds me of those hairstyles in the 70's and 80's.

My grandmother

My grandmother practises the proper yoga breathing technique, where the stomach and not the chest rises and falls with each breath.

My grandmother has blackheads on her nose. I feel like squeezing them out for her sometimes.

My grandmother is ninety-six years old and she cannot see nor can she walk anymore. She hardly remembers me now. But the bump on her knee still remains, caused by a fall which the one-year-old me was to be blamed for apparently.

During her bath this morning, grandma fell into a deep sleep and gave everyone a big scare. No amount of calling or petting could rouse her. Finally after she was done with powdering and dressing, she suddenly moved her hand to pick her nose.

Ah ma complains of feeling 'hangat' or heaty. Her body is seized by coughing fits now and then, often ending with a great sneeze that racks her whole body. Her efforts to expel the phelgm irritating her throat expend her energy and turn her face red with exertion. There is nothing much we can do except stroke her back to soothe her. Grandma has tried two cough mixtures which didn't seem to do any good to her. She has also taken mint leaves infusions sweetened with sugar which taste really good by the way. The mucosolvan tablets started two days ago seem to be working though. Her coughing fits are more infrequent, less violent and not so chesty now. The pharmacist said the tablets dissolve phelgm which will then be ingested and needn't be expelled.
(Uh-oh. Ah ma just started coughing violently again.)

During lunchtime yesterday, Ah ma couldn't swallow her oyster porridge. It remained in her mouth. Ah ma couldn't respond to our urges to swallow or spit it out. We gave her a sip of water. She couldn't swallow it either. Mum panicked slightly, while I tried to recall my biopharm knowledge. If I recall correctly, dysphagia = inability to coordinate swallowing happens with ageing. Is it dysphagia? My memory from that period in time of exams is extremely vague and hazy now.. I really hope I pass my exams. Results are to be released tomorrow. I have vowed to be hardworking from now on.
Anyway, it turned out my ah ma was too sleepy to swallow. She asked for 'ayak' ('air' in standard malay or 'water' in english) soon after and could drink perfectly well again.

My mum and aunties were slightly alarmed when they noticed grandma's leg seize involuntarily during her sleep a few times. Uh-huh, if I don't remember my biopharm, at least I remember episodes from House. House once detected a brain dysfunction when he saw a boy's leg muscles twitch involuntarily while awake. According to him, the twitching was a natural reflex when a person is asleep. A-hah.
Actually I experience such twitching too sometimes when I'm dozing half-way between sleep and consciousness.

My grandmother loves her 'po-chim' (bolster) very much, not unlike me. She likes to have it resting between her calves when she sleeps.

My grandmother sleeps on her side, like me too. She tosses and turns a lot when she can't sleep.

Ah ma has a very sweet nature. She neither frets nor grumbles. Her disposition is child-like now. Her frequent calls do not stray far from 'pukul berapa?' , 'hangat, hangat' , 'mau mandi, mau mandi' , 'mau ti-dok' , and her favourite of all: 'ayak ayak'. When she can't sleep, she gets restless and talks a lot in between consciousness. Two days ago, ah ma had trouble falling asleep. Her old memories resurfaced and she talked loudly of people during her younger days. Ah ma kept saying 'niao chu! u niao chu! a neh dua chiak ae niao chu! di lang ae chu' (meaning 'rat! There's a rat! Such a big rat in our house!' ), while gesturing that the rat was about 20cm in length. I asked my ah theoh (uncle) to buy niao chu's number, don't know if he did.

When I was young, around standard five or six, I once accompanied my ah ma out to the porch to pray to Ti Kong (God of Heaven) in the evening. My task was to put her joss sticks into the urn at the altar which required standing on a bench to reach. Ah ma's prayer lasted well over 20 minutes. I should know because I was checking my watch now and again in disbelieving amazement. Everyone in the family was included in her prayer for their health, wealth and well-being. Ah ma would name each and every one of her son, daughters, daughter-in-law, son-in-laws, grandsons and granddaughters; for each person she would offer specific entreaties for blessings. For her grandchildren it would always be for us to be 'guai guai, gao gao tak chek' (be good and be clever and study hard). She stood praying for a very long time; an eighty-something ah ma, motioning her joss sticks in prayer for everyone in her family. When I exclaimed to my aunties later, they said that she always took this long to pray every evening.


I wish for my ah ma to be happy and peaceful.