A Christmas of peace and joy!

Christmas was a fun and enjoyable time with the kids this year!  Probably one of my favorite things about Christmas is watching the kids open their presents, and be so excited for what they got!  I then enjoy watching them all share their toys with each other!  They are so sweet and cute as mommy lays on the couch and watches them play so good with each other sharing and showing love to each other!  A day with no fighting and contention!  That was the best Christmas present ever!

This is the first Christmas with out David and it has been hard for me and the kids.  But the kids have been so good about all this.  I am amazed at how well the kids have done!  I have so much to be thankful for!  I have the best Uncle ever that has given of his time and energy to the end!  He has helped me in ways I could never have done for myself.  Because of him, I have had the opportunity to learn things about myself that I could have not done any other way!  Thank you Uncle Mike for all the opportunities you have given me!  I hope that others can see the goodness and greatness of him as I see!  I hope that as I emerge from this trial in my life that one day I will be able to follow his example and do things for others as Christ would do!  I feel as though all that he does for me and the kids right now is as Christ were right beside me!  I feel truly blessed for all I have been given!

I am amazed at how rezilant my little Michael is...

What an evening we had!  We were sitting down to dinner it was later than normal.  I was calling the kids to come and eat, and getting dinner on the table.  Maddie and Michael were upstairs playing and laughing and having fun.  Then in an instant things changed.  Maddie came down stairs and said "mom you should come look at Michael's wrist". He was crying but he was not hysterical     I took one look at it and saw it was broken.  We went to the ER.  It was almost 8 and I knew from Allie's broken arm that it would have to be done at the hospital.  The Dr and nurses were amazed at how brave he was and how he just laided there and every once in awhile he complained that it hurt.  They gave him an IV and some meds to put him under and then they manipulatived his wrist which was a very painful process to watch but Michael slept through the whole thing!  They x-rayed it and then had to do it again.  We finally left about 11:15.  We came home and ate and then went to bed!  What a night we had!

I am thankful for all the modern technology that can help my little Michael feel better.  He is so darn cute.  Ok so how did this happen, he being the jumping monkey that he is jumped from his sisters top bunk onto the other bed and his arm hit the window sill.  He has now said he will never do it again!

Again I am thankful for the Dr and nurses and all the technology that allow broken bones to be put back together!

I am thankful for family times

I am thankful for my children, they are learning so much the value of being patient.  We decorated the Christmas tree.  The kids each took turns as they put an ornament on the tree.  It was fun as they waited until the other one hung his or her ornament up!  And the most important and exciting ornament of all of course would be the Candy Cane!  OK next to the glittering Christmas ball!  We then all took turns picking our favorite Christmas Carol and singing them all together.  To get my boys to sing I have figured out just let them pick their favorite song and most of the time it works!  Spencer has such a nice voice and I love hearing him sing.  I hope that my boys will love music the way I do one day.  Sometimes it is foreign to me that they do not sing.  Maybe it is a girl thing, all my girls including Sammie will sing and sing and sing!  I am thankful for the beautiful music that we have to lift our souls and bless and enrich our lives with!

And just one more thought for the day, I am thankful for....

I want to be a more grateful person and express my gratitude more frequently, I hope that doing this here I will become better at it till I have mastered it!  Just one thing a day at least!  I know there are more but to not over whelm me I choose to start small!

I am thankful for my Home teachers that showed up on my door step today!  How did they know that I needed them today!  Thank you for coming on the Lords errand!

Laughter one minute and throw up the next... always changing!!

 After having such a good day, I took the advice of a good friend and took a nice warm bath.  I had not even filled up the bath when my two older girls frantically came to the bathroom door " she is throwing up, she keeps throwing up.  I had them bring her to me as I was not decent to go in and assist in the excitement.  I got my baby bathed and cleaned up in new jammies and then laid her down with a towel and a bowl.  Cleaned up the mess and then washed and cleaned the carpet cleaner out.  Just as I finished putting it all away Sammie threw up again.  This time not just the floor but the bed and all the bedding.  So now I am finally after all this happened around 8pm and now just sitting down after the clean up.  Well Ok I just had to go up the stairs and help her not throw up all over the floor.  She does not like throwing up and to make it worse when I put the bowl in front of her to throw up in she just gets all worked up so I have to sneak it up to her just as she starts throwing up.  Oh Sammie I hope this runs it course fast, I am not liking this.  I am worn and exhausted after a long emotional weekend.  All the while hiding from my kids the fact that I am not feeling well.  They do so much for me, but there comes a point when I just want them to be kids!  Oh how I long to feel a sense of normalcy in my life again.

I miss my mom and struggle daily with loosing my best friend.  Mom I wish I could have had one more moment with you!  I am glad however for the gift and knowledge of the atonement that allows each of us the joy of being resurrected and being again reunited with our loved ones.  I am grateful for the sealing power here in the Temple that not only binds us as families here in this life but forever, meaning after we die.  I will see my mom and I know that she is waiting for that day when all of us will be with her again.  I also know that she is serving others, doing missionary work teaching family members the gospel with her mom and sister.   Each of these women that have passed on have not left me alone.  I often feel of their presence.  I love knowing that I am not alone.  I feel of there strength, of their wisdom and love for me.  I continue to hear their voices sometimes in my heart and others times as a loud warning , usually just before I am about to do something dumb.  Funny how I am protected by them.  I am often warned by my Aunt that Patience is the the key, be patient Sally and all will be fine.  How does she know that is my hardest and most difficult trial in this life.  Well because she is a smart and amazing women.  Much of the Spiritual wisdom I learned at a young age from the example she set for me.  I hope to one day give her a big hug and tell her thank you for all that she has taught me.  

This I did not mean to be a blah blah emotional entry just the plain fact that being a mother and the challenges that come with being a mother can change in an instant!  A roller coaster of a life that is for sure!  

Being a mom is fun when kids are happy! And even when they are grumpy too....

In listening to my kids talk in their room tonight I wish I could transcribe there conversations but sense I can not I will fill you in on what I thought was cute!  Maddie was scratching Allies back and Maddie says to Allie   giggling," it looks like you have a pretty bad sun burn.  There conversation in bed is just fun to listen too.  There are some night when I just let it happen even though they need to go to sleep.  They can stay up and talk for hours if I let them.  Some nights it goes on till 10 or 11.  I hate to break up such funny silly and bonding experiences for them.  Tonight is going to be like that.  But Tuesday night will be different.  There is no school the next day.  I say let the bonding continue and long into the night!  Life is about relationships and how we build those relationships, line upon line..... I feel like a good mother when the good moments of the day out way the not so good moments.  I feel good when I can see the joy in my children as they play with each other!  I love being a mother to my children!  I would never trade it for a minute!

Monday

Last year on Monday, I got the call that changed my life.  I knew that she was going and the night before I felt and knew that would be her last night.  As I kissed her good bye, I knew in my heart it would be a long time before we would again be together.  Monday Morning Dad called to make sure the girls were up and ready for school, we had Family prayer for the last time with Dad, Jake, Michael, and Mom of course asleep on the other end at the hospital.  Then not long after about an hour, we were getting ready to walk out the door, when we got the call mom took her last breath and peacefully went home to be with her other family eagerly awaiting her arrival in the spirit world.  I can think of no other person more ready then her.  She was ready to move on and though she is dearly missed here, I know she is doing a great work on the other side.  Love you mom!  Miss you too!

Did 1 year just pass me by as I just stood in shock and amazement....

I have a great memory when emotion is involved and so I retell the events that happened last year.  Can it really be one year ago that life changed for me and my family?  I called mom around 8ish in the morning was a daily routine that we did and looked forward to.  She was on her way in to the Dr.  for a routine parenthesis (drains fluid from her abdomen).  She just wanted to be relieved of her pain.  And so the news she received was kind of discouraging to her. The Dr. said " you are not stable enough to have this procedure done, we need to balance your electrolytes "  Something that in the past had been a challenge, with her sodium and potassium levels being off the charts.

I did not know that this Monday would be the last phone conversation we would have.  The next day I called and dad answered the phone, saying " mother is sleeping.  I will have her call when she wakes up."  I just told dad to relay the message that I love her.  I did this again on Wednesday.  On Wednesday afternoon dad and I talked and he said they were setting up hospice care and that the time was close.  Me being 2 days drive away and with 6 kids and a husband that worked needed to leave at just the right time.  Not wanting to place a huge burden on my kids that would be left behind and my husband not wanting to overload him with work and school and kids, a true balancing act.  I knew that getting on my knees and listening to the whispering of the spirit would be the sure way to receive guidance as to when I would leave.  As I went to bed Wednesday no answer.  Thursday came and still no answer.  I talked to my Aunt and she would leave Sunday and I would follow her in a caravan if I did not get answer before then.  I went to bed Thursday night and woke up with still no answer.  I continued to pray and be open to the spirit, and it was amazing the strong urgancy that came over me that I must leave now.  It was about 2pm and I was only semi packed ready to leave Sunday.  As I rushed to put things in order, I thanked Heavenly Father for answering my prayer.  I learned that as we are patient and submit our will to his will the answers come with understanding.  Within and hour and half of getting the answer I was out of the house and on the road to KS.  I arrived in KS early Sunday morning.  Just a few hours before sunrise.  It as early, and we all slept for a few hours.  We got up and dressed for church, planning to attend sacrament meeting.  I felt like I needed to be at moms side and so instead of attending church, I tended to the sick.  A day that I will never forget.  The tenderness of a mother who for 32 years showed her unconditional to me.  Now it was my turn to care for her.  I sat by her bed side and just enjoyed the quiet moments with her.  Her humor, her love her positive character still shown through her now weakened weary deceaised body.  I could tell that though her body was failing her spirit was not, in fact it was ready to face the next part of the test.  She was so willing to do and obey Gods laws and sustatian her Priesthood leaders here that she grew spiritually from doing so.  Mom was  true to the faith to the very end of her life.  The one and only regret I wish I had done was follow the prompting of the spirit in singing primary songs to her in her last hours.  I felt she wanted that and she was unable to communicate by then.  When I feel the spirit now I act.  After all it is a gift that I want to use often, and familiarize my life with.  Keep myself worthy to always have the Spirit to be with me.  An important principle and corner stone of my religion.  I love the example my mother is to me.  She is a woman of strength, a women of love, a women of great faith.  She taught not just me but all she came in contact with by her example.  She was a lover of all men.  She was in the Service of her God all the way to the end of her life.

Mom I strive daily to be the example you were to my family and then to my friends.  I love you and miss you.  But know this you are not forgotten and your legacy lives on in the lives of all you knew!  I love you more than words can express!

A warning to all: Tears are ok this month from me...So expect it....

And so the month of November begins.  Full of anniversaries and such.....

Mom got sick again, and we knew she would not make it.  She went into the Dr. for what she thought was a regular checkup and ended up in  the hospital on the 14th and by mid week was almost unresponsive.  By Saturday she was fading faster. By Sunday she was holding on with only a thread.  And early Monday the 21st she had taken her last breath and slipped peacefully away.  It was her time to go...

The hardest of all ...My marriage of 12 years will turn to 13 years on the 26th and it has been a rocky one.  I am currently separated and will be spending that day alone,  with 5 of my 6 children.  I know that somehow I will make it through the month of Nov, how I do not know.  But I will.

The thought of spending the holiday without being able to call my mom is sad, the thought of not spending it with David and my 6 kids is terrifying to me.   What I am going through is hard.  I have had the support of a good friend for some time and not even that friend will be around.  There were many miscommunications and in the end I am alone for the roughest part of the year.  I must find the strength to be strong for my children and hold up on  3 very hard and lonely days ahead of me.   My life is and the choices I make will shape the future that I make for myself.  But even though I have a plan on how to make it through those three hard days, does not mean I will put the emotions up on the shelf and hide from them.  I did that and it got me know where.

So here is to a tearful month.  Heres to a month of new beginnings.  Heres to the friends that will be there when I need a hug or a smile to brighten my day.  I have a hard time with letting go and moving on.  I at times feel abandoned and all alone by those that I feel should have been there.  I am afraid to move on not knowing if I will ever find someone to confide in and love. And have that someone trust me to do the same for them.  I want so bad to have a relationship that is equally yoked, with a partner.  I also miss having my mother to talk to.  She filled that void when my husband not there for me.  I do not know what I will do but somehow I will find a way to do what needs to be done.

A sleepless night....

Tonight I can not seem to fall asleep for the life of me.  I laid in bed for over an hour and to no avail I did not fall asleep.  So I got up and finished the kids conference packets and I made a list of things I need to get at the store tomorrow.  I need to go into town to get some things at Costco for the birthday celebration of my sweet sister and my Dad!  I can not believe that a year has gone by already.  Conference last year with the family in Ks and now with the Family in UT.  It will be weird cause mom is now gone from this earthly life and she will be greatly missed.  Last year she was so excited because we watched conference on her big screen tv for the first time!!

Any ways I just can not get my mind to slow down and relax tonight.  So here I am typing away!  I am thinking about my marriage, and how I am feeling about all that has gone on in the last year.  The progress my husband has made and if I can actually accept that he is trying to change and if I am willing to let him back into my life just one more time.  I am so happy where I am right now it seems so hard to go back and fight again.  Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

I am thinking about my mom and her life that she led and the lives she touched.  Oh how I miss her and being able to talk to her on the phone.  And the trips we would plan and dream of taking.. We had such fun adventures we wanted to go on and experience together that will only ever be dreams now.  Last summer we had planned a camping trip/ backpacking trip in Co that we cancelled because she was sick.  I was so excited for that trip to finally be able to go do something we both loved together!  This summer I was able to go on my first back packing trip  outside of young womens.  It was everything I had dreamed of and more.  I can tell you this that there will be many more to come!  I just wish my mom and I could have experienced one together.  Life without her here has been well unbearable at times and other times very peaceful.  Anyways I am finally getting tired and hope to fall asleep now so for now....Good night!

Sunday is a special day in our home!

Sunday A day of pondering and worship

S Sunday is a Specail day to become closer to the Savior
U Unlimitied worship and thoughts of My Savior
N Never a day goes by that I don't anticapate this Holy day
D Devoted to teaching my children the importance of Sunday Worship
A Atoning for my sins the Savior did, unselfishly
Y Yesterday is gone but tomorrow is new and I can make my life like the Saviors yet another day.


As I was pondering the lessons today that were given at church, I again had an overwhelming feeling of peace.  Life is just a short part of our excistance and we must learn as much as we can here in this life so that we can continue on in the next life!  I was thinking of the last year that I have expereniced with a few crazy trials.  I am beginging to see that I am not alone.  I am constantly encircled by the love of my Savior.  He has not forgotten and never will forget us.  As the women in the Scriptures had the faith that if she were to just touch his clothes as he walked by she would be healed.  Such is the case with us if we can just have the simple faith and let the Savior heal our broken hearts we can grow.  I was thinking of my mother and her faith was of the women in the scripture.  Now why do I say this when my mother was taken back to her Father in Heaven and is no longer here.  Well her faith was not to be healed physically but she was about the spirital healing and teaching.  She had come to know that being spiritally well was better then phycially well.  I was reading journal entries she had read in the months that she was sick.  Her spiritual life grew stronger with each physical pain she suffered.  She turned to the Savior for comfort and peace.  When she left this earth I know with out a doubt she was able to answer to her Savior that she had done all she could to bring those to the Saviors feet.  She never doubted the power of his healing and love.  She served him Faithfully to the End.  As a family we read scriptures in the evening.  There are nights like tonight when we read that the kids ask questions and we have a good discsion as to what we are reading.  But then there are nights when we read a verse or two and then we are done.  I have felt that I need to bring the scriptures into my childrens lives even more and so I will now be choosing a scripture that we will study and memorize each  week.  We will read and talk about the scripture and work on memorizing it for the week.  I pray that the kids will feel the spirit of this and simple yet powerful teaching moment and take it with them in their lives as their scripture study becomes more intense as they grow spiritually!

I guess I did not post this like I thought I had!  So here it is

The House Wife

Sometimes I feel like this and it just made me laugh to read this and wondered how many of us feels like this at some point in our lives!!!!

There was a housewife I once knew

Who had so much that she wanted to do.

Eight loads of laundry to wash and to dry,

Five beds to make and groceries to buy.

Library books three years overdue,

She thought, "Go to the library? No, let's go to the zoo."

"Hurray!" cried her children. But, alas, they stayed home.

The eight loads of laundry had all the clothes that they owned.

She had dishes from dinner the night before

And gum to scrape off the kitchen floor.

And just as she knelt to scrape up the gum,

She thought of popcorn and she wanted some.

So, she got out the popper; it was sull of rice.

And she thought to herself, "It would be nice

To get out the pictures of my wedding dress,"

But she couldn't find them because of the mess

In her living room where she kept a shelf

Full of books on how to improve herself.

So she picked out a book and she sat and she read.

And she thought to herself, "I'll take a nap instead."

So she stretched and she yawned and flopped into bed.

Then she remembered something her husband had said.

So she gout the iron and she looked for his shirt 

Which had fallen into a pile of dirt

She had swept in a corner a few days before

And had stopped because someone had knocked at the door.

Then she sighed, "Oh dear!!..."And she moaned, "Poor me!!"

And she grabbed a sack of taco ships and turned on the TV.

And she watched all the game shows.

And she watched "Love of Life."

And she dreamed of becoming the perfect wife! 

Happy Fall on this crisp chilly morning!!!!

As I looked at the last entry I was supprised that I had not written anything for quite sometime.  It is hard to remember where I write because I keep a journal as well.  Anyways.......

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of my warm cozy bed.  The air was crisp and a chill was in the air!  I love this time of year when the heat of the summer changes almost overnight.  When the kids come downstairs in the morning all wrapped up in their blankets, just wanting to snuggle.  Trying to stay warm, and wanting to be in mommy's lap to stay warm. We all had breakfast and lunches were packed and then the kids got dressed for school.  I asked them all to wear pants, because it was a chilly morning.  It is always a sad day for my kids when mom asks them to wear pants.  They would rather wear shorts, maybe because they love the summer and want it to last forever.  Don't we all wish that summer could last forever the relaxing laid back enviroment of summer.  The camping, hiking, picnicing of summer.  The late nights playing with friends, staying up watching movies, all of the fun of summer is now coming to end and my children are not wanting it to end.  Anyways the fall is most definanly on its way and I am ready for it to be here!!  I love the fall time when the air feels so cool and crisp.  It is fresh and the colors of the leaves are starting to change.  The garden is being harvested and the smell of yummy soups simmering on the stove.  The smell of homemade bread makes the house smell like heaven.

When I was younger still living at home my mother would be baking bread or muffins or cinniomon rolls in the oven.  After she was done baking the house would have the most amazing aroma of what ever she was baking for us that day!  I loved getting out of bed those mornings.  I new that I could always go stand by the warm oven that she would leave cracked open after she was done with it.  Fall time is my most faviorite time of the year.  What can I say.


Now on top of all of these reasons for fall being so special to me it now has a new meaning to me.  My mother was sick with cancer last fall.  I was able to spend the fall with her.  I was able to see the changes of the season with her for the last time.  I traveled to KS last Sept. to be with my mother and spend time with her.  It is a time I will always cherish.  My mother was on a new cancer drug and all the symptoms that she had had that summer were subsided and her tumor was shrinking.  She was moving around and lost all her weight.  She was physicaly looking like the mom I new.  But her emotions were not the same.  She new that her Father in Heaven was calling her back and she was ready to go.  As we walked 3 times a week we would talk of things and memories that we had made.  We loved spending time together.  But the day I loaded up to go back home was a bitter sweet moment.  Mom and I had planned on her coming out to Idaho to suprise her sisters.  We both had something to look forward to and we did just that.  Then she started feeling sick again.  And with the fall coming to an end her life was now coming to an end and quite rapidly.  The cancer had come back with a vengance.  She was fine going in to the Dr on Monday and by the next Monday she had gone home to her Father in Heaven.  Leaving this life with an amazing leagacy for me to carry on.  Her life was one of love and service to all she knew and touched.  She now continues to serve along side her Sister Linda, her mother and father and her Brother Hyrum.   Not to mention the many others that have gone on before her.  She will continue to do great work for her family on the other side of this thin veil.  I love my mother and am glad that we got to enjoy one last fall together.  She is an amazing woman that taught me many wonderful things!!  One of which is to enjoy each moment in life no matter how hard that moment is.  Just as the leave change color and fall of the tree in the fall, our lives do the same thing, and after a period of rest those amazing trees bud and bring forth new leaves, ready to face another spring and summer.  So our lives change and we turn over new leaves that are ready again to face another season of growth.  Let us remember that each leaf in our life brings forth more experience and we learn with each one of these experiences to grow closer to our Father in Heaven.


Fall is awesome!!   Happy Fall to everyone!!

It is amazing to hear from a friend that you have not heard from in years.  I love knowing that even though the choices that they make in their lives are not what you expect, it is still amazing to know that they lead happy lives.  My friend has a love for music and she sounds like an angel.  I am glad that she has taken her talent of music and is choosing to go with it and make her dreams come true.  Her mother and father also have amazing voices and even though she has not been in contact with her parents for years her interests and hobbies are much the same as her family.  I can not wait to be able to get together with her.  I in my heart want nothing more to help others and serve them.

When I was in YW I wanted everyone to be happy like I was and I shared my testimony with so many.  I had many discussions at our home and I did many visits to the inactive YW in our group.  It was amazing to see the smiles on the faces of the YW as they saw that we cared for them and wanted them to be a part of us, no matter what they looked like or what they did.  All was accepted nothing excluded others.

I look at my self and wonder where did that attitude go and how can it return.  Cause I want to be the same as I was when I was young, bold and strong!

My life for which I am grateful for.

There are few that will ever know what I am going through right now, or how I feel.  But many are trying to help and I will be forever in there debt to them for all the time and effort that they gave given me.  I hope that they know that deppresssion is serious and it is a hard thing that I have struggled with over the past 9 months of my life.  I love my Savior and closeness I feel towards him.  There are times that I just want to lock myself in a room and disapear and then I see my wonderful children and remember that it is I that give them the memories they will take into adulthood.  I must figure things out.  I have in the past taken anti depressant meds and stopped after a while because I became suicidal.  If I am not on them for a long period of time then they are ok, so for 2 months I will take them and see how I feel.  Hoping I will improve.  I have been hurt and feel used at times and I have made someone elese I am sure feel the same way.  I feel horrible but all I can do now is go on!  So I am moving on.  This is a test to which I will master with the change in my attitude!  I will think of ways to see the things that are given to me in my life and I will smile at the blessings and smile in and through my trials and adversity!  I will not let others get me down any more for I am stronger and I have control over me and I must surrive so I choose to " lace up my shoes and get to work!"  Here I go!!

Sammie is potty training

I never thought that Sammie would show interest but with stickers and chocolate she is all over the potty training.  She pees in the toilet all day long, she stays dry and has not had an accident yet!  Well I guess with pee.  But she has not figured out the poop thing yet but I am sure that she will!  I am so glad that she has done this.  I thought that the Brazelton way of potty training would not work but I was wrong, and just not as patient as I could have been, in my mind and with my thoughts.  But she has proved her mother wrong.  What an amazing young lady she has been!  Sammie has grown in the last year so much.  Last summer we were at my moms and Sammie did not talk much at all.  It was hard to get her to communicate and now this little girl does not stop talking in full sentences.  She is trying so hard to be like her older brothers and sisters it is amazing how much she learns and loves to be with them.  I love all my sweet and wonderful kids.

Sammie is getting so big!

Sammie is all grown up and has turned into a mommy.  She runs into me and says "Mikey and Spency are in the doggy kennel and being naughty"  now mind you with her hands placed on her hip and a very serious face at that.  I can not beleive that she is getting so big and that she is my baby!

 Oh how I long for another baby and wonder if that will ever happen?  Having women problems and such seems not possible.  And also the fact that my marriage of 12 years is on the brink of a break up.  I guess that is where I just trust in the Lord and trust that he knows me and loves me and desieres the best for me.  I will obey and he will bless me.

Any way a side track note.

Cannot believe that Sammie is going to be 3 years old in Oct.  Has it really been that long?

Come what may and love it!

Today was a day to move forward and even though it started out hard and emotional it has ended much better.  I know there is no explanation as to why it is just simply because days happen and we choose to make them good or bad and this afternoon I choose to make it a good day!  It is all about the attitude and how one views the world.  After all life is to short to not make the best of each day!

One year ago today

So many emotions are going through my mind today.  Knowing that this day changed my life forever.  But today this post is a post of gratitude to my Father in Heaven for the life he gave to me and to all those that I know.  I am grateful to be born into the wonderful and amazing family that I have.  I am grateful to the mother and father that spent countless hours raising me and my brothers.  And then had 4 more children 3girls and another boy.  How I am so lucky to have the amazing brothers and sisters.  They each teach me so many wonderful things.  I know that each of us knew each other before we came here to earth and we all promised each other that we would help each other get back to Father in Heaven.  I look up to my mom and   the way that she treated all those around her.  She was a social butterfly, and loved to make others smile.  She just had to walk into a room with her confidence that she wore as a smile.  She was a great leader that all that new her looked up to and respected.  I hope that I can follow in her foot steps and  continue the legacy she has left. Mom loved each of her children as Father in Heaven loves each of us.  Many of us have made some big mistakes in our lives and even so she never stopped loving or supporting us.  She always encouraged us to make right choice even when doing what was right meant it would be hard and painful at times.  She had a pure testimony of her Savior Jesus Christ and faith to move a mountain.  I could feel her testimony and see her faith in all that she did and said.  Mother are who I hope to be one day.  As I work each day and go about being a mother I try to think of what you would do and then do it.  I miss you here on this earth but know that you are in a place of complete and utter peace.  You mastered what you came here to master and now have moved on to continue to nurture your spirit and learn more of our Father in Heavens    plan.  Mom I am proud of you and all that you have taught me, I will not let it go I will keep it in my heart and mind and remember how much you love me and continue to honor what you have taught me.  I love you and want the best for you.
Please know that even though I miss you I will never forget you and the days that cry for you I will think of all the wonderful things you have done and then smile and move on!  I love you mom you are the strongest fighter I know.  I can not wait to see you again the time is sooner then we all think.  As you have proved the Lord takes us when he is ready not when we are ready.  Even though we were not ready for what came and the swiftness of the desease that ravished your body, the Lord gave you no  more than you could handle and he took you when he knew you were ready to go.  For that I am grateful, knowing that the Lord loves us so much that he does not give us what we can not handle.  I love you mom, you are still my rock and know that you are with your sister and together you guys are an amazing team working to bring happiness to those you teach and visit with.  I love you mom you are the greatest!!

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

Cleaning the house today while listening to music, this song came on and I thought of My mother and how I was content to have just be in her presences.  She was amazing and just being around her was fun.  It did not matter what we did together I just wanted to be around her.  I loved My mother we truly were best friends.  Mom you will are missed by all  of us!  This song is for you Mom!  I love you!


"Wind Beneath My Wings"

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

One year ago....

What, were did the year go? Last year at this time I was contomplating going to Kansas to witness the wedding of my brother.  I had finally come to the conclusion that I would not be able to go.  I felt at peace about it, not going.  There had been so many of my emotions that had played into the whole marriage of my brother.  I was brought to my knees many times to find the peace that I longed for.  So knowing that I had finally received that peace was just wonderful.  This had been a struggle for some time and now that it was over I was glad to put it behind me.  He got married June 25 2011.  I will only remember that day for the rest of my life because there was a life change that happened as well for me that day.

It was 7am I was up getting ready to go to the temple, I had been fasting and needed some guidance in my life and strength to carry on in my own personal life.  I needed to pick up my bountiful basket and head to the temple.  It was around 7:30 am and the phone rang....What, who would call this early in the morning.  I answered it and it was my brother Seth.  He said that they finally took Mom to the hospital.  OK back up to the end of May beginning of June.  Mom said she was not feeling up to her normal self she had been dragging and she said she felt like she was pregnant...  we all laughed because she was pretty sure she had gone through the change and was clear of all that stuff.  But just in case she scheduled a Dr. Appt.  to be on the safe side and to figure out what was wrong.  Unfortchantanly the Dr could not get her in till the end of the month.  Ok now back to the story.  So finally Friday night she could no take the pain she was feeling and Dad took her in to the ER.  They ran a bunch of tests and did a CT scan.  Then they all waited for the Dr to come in and tell them what they could do to take the pain away.  And that is what would change our lives as we once knew it.  Seth called me and said that things were not good and that the Dr. said that she had cancer.  They had nothing but cancer not how long or what kind or any treatment, only that it was not good and that they would be doing further testing to confirm the diagnosas.  I was in a complete and utter shock and had not a clue as to do next.  My mom was my best friend and she was not suppose to be sick with a terminal illness.  I attended the temple and then made the calls to my mothers family.  I had to make a plan as to what I was going to do.  I was packed and ready to leave June 28th.  Only 3 days after I found out.  I would be caravaning with my Aunt Sally and Aunt Donna.  We would stop in UT for a break at Uncle Mikes house.  Well until he offered to drive and I was not going to say no to help.  After all under different circumstances I would have made a go at this on my own.  After all I do the drive back to Kansas all by myself every year anyways just fine.  So the trip was a long trip that consisted of me my 6 kids and my 2 Aunts and one of their grandkids, and My Uncle and his son Preston.  We had a late lunch and drove all through the night.  Arriving mid morning to Moms house.  It was an adventure, but we made it and it was well worth the sacrifice on all parties involved.  And so let the emotional roller coaster begin.  We had a big family meeting and talked about alot of different things.  Mom and I were close and so I knew most of what was going on.  It was hard for me to see mom go through what she went through.  It was hard to watch your best friend be in so much pain and know that your were helpless in taking that pain from her.  The only thing I knew that I could do was pray and have faith that what happened would happen.  It was mid July when I knew that this was it and I had come to terms with the fact that Mom had just about completed her mission here on earth.  There were some loose strings that needed to be tended to and then the Lord had prepared a place for her in Paradise.  There are days when I would ask Father to take me instead, that Mom did not deserve to go like this and I would suffer for her if he would let me.  But this was not the case and as she suffered she did so with patience and love.  I am proud of her for all that she went through and the love and Joy that she shared with others as she patiently endured to the end.  Not having my Mother around to talk to or to laugh with or to let her tell me about the book she read that day or the TV show that she watched or the Good movie that I should watch or.... what ever has been really hard for me.  She was who I talked to she was the one that I leaned on for support and the courage to keep going each day.  One year ago this month.  Wow this year has been hard.  Not knowing what to expect, knowing that at any moment life could change and we have no control over what happens in the end.  All of what we have belongs to Heavenly Father and at any time he could take it back.  There are days when I wish I would have been the one to get cancer and suffer and endure the pain, but this was not to be.  I have yet to fulfill my mission here on earth.  I   came to terms with her leaving but in the end did not know it was going to be this hard to heal and adjust to life with out mom just a phone call away.  Or a summer adventure in Ks with the family.  Just because she is gone does not mean this will still not happen, having adventures with the family, it will just be weird not having her there, the spirit that she brought to each family gathering she was at was just amazing!  She was the life of any party she was at!

This month has many new mile stones ahead and I imagine that some of them will be happy ones and pleasant ones well ok all of them will be good but also painful at the same time.  It will just not be the same without the presence of my Mom around.  I am grateful that I was able to spend all summer and most of the fall with my mother I would not trade it one bit but I am going to be sad that I will not get to spend anymore summers with her. But the memories I made will always be there and I will treasure them always!!  I have a hard time talking and now I guess it is even harder to write about this cause I get really sick to my stomach when I do.  Darn emotions go away why don't ya..  Loosing my mother has been the hardest thing I have every had to endure and bare and learn to cope with.  I just want Heavenly Father to send someone to me that will hug me and hold me and tell me that everything will be fine and I will adjust and learn to live again.  I feel paralyzed and unable to go one.

On top of my mothers death, my husband and I have been fighting with marriage problems for quite some time now, going on 6 years now.  As we were discussing things tonight, I told him that I felt like I did not need a counselor to work on our marriage as much as I needed one for the death of my mother.  If I did not have both of these problems to work on at the same time I feel like I would have strength to do it, but with my best friend being taken away and a separation of the veil now between us it has been painful.  I feel if I can heal from loosing my mother then I can do just about anything.  I can figure things out.  But I have began to shut my self off to everyone and everything around me and it is getting worse and worse and I feel and know that it is unhealthy for me. I have come to the conclusion that I need help and can not do this on my own anymore.  I need family and friends to know that I am not always strong and that right now I am a mess inside and those that are helping me are appreciated but I am beginning to put up walls.  I hate walls.  I am looking for a good counseling that spealizes in grief counseling and hope that I will be able to work out some of these emotions and feelings.  I can not let those that have put so much time and effort into helping me feel like they have failed when they have not.   So if I seem quiet or unsettled, I am.  But know that it is not you that have done something, it is I that am lost and sad and miss my life as it once was.  Happy and upbeat.  I am working on getting there again the process is slow going for me.  The Lord wanted me to learn patiences and so he gave me 2 things to handle at once... He knows more than I do and knew that I could do both at one time....  I pray that I will learn the lessons being taught quicker so I can have the blessings that come...

Later on this month I will again write about my mother... Ok I will probably write quite a bit about her this month.. It is going to be a long month, I hope that as I talk about her and write about her it will get eaiser and I will find some closer to her death and learn to live with out her always there.  Oh how I miss you mom, You were something else..  I love you!!  If only I could say I love you one more time and hold your hand just one more time and look into your eyes just one more time I would!

Camping with the Girls

The girls and I decided to go camping this weekend so we went!  The boys all went on the father and sons camp out, and we did not want to be left behind so we planned to go as well to our own place.  We planned to go to pine flats up by Lowman.  We changed our minds last minute and decided to go to a place that I had gone years ago.  It was about a 2 hour drive so we headed out.  I thought the place that I had camped out was called yellow pine and so when I got there and saw that it was clearly not the place I was a little discouraged.  We drove a bit further thinking that maybe we had not go fat enough and may be I would recognize it but I did not at all.  We finally found a camping place there were no campers at all and it was nice.  We set up camp made a fire which Allie was all over she loved being in charge of the fire.  She practiced great fire safety skills and I knew I could trust her.  I was fine with where we were and excited that there was a hiking trail that we would be able to hike the next morning.  The girls were exited.  Anyways we cooked our foil dinners had prayer and enjoyed our dinner.  We went on a walk down this nice little trail next to our camp site.  Then we came back and noticed that there was a car that had driven through our campground now for the 3rd time.  This had me worried when it was a single man.  I was a little uneasy and began to worry.  I prayed that we would be safe but the feeling never went away.  The girls and I played a card game and then made smores.  We had fun.  We got our jammies on and read scriptures around the fire. Allie and I were talking and she said she had an uneasy feeling as well.  I shared with her my feelings and we both decided that we needed to listen to the spirit and leave.  I prayed that we would be safe.  But sometimes what we want and what Heavenly Father knows is best for us are completely different then what we expect.  Our camping trip proved that.  So it is with everything that we learn in our lives.  The girls and I loaded everything up in the back of the van and drove off watch the sun as it dissapeared beyond the horizon.  I swallowed my pride and listened to the spirit knowing full well that when the boys get home Saturday afternoon they will have wonderful stories to tell and we will have the story of how we loaded up and went home, before we could even fall asleep for the night.  We listened to the spirit and were protected from only what Father knew.  We know that can learn from every experience that we encounter.  I hope and pray that we can have many more camping trips that will be memorable like the ones that we will have this summer in the coming weeks.  Until then we will know and feel blessed to have been watch over and warned and then heeded the prompting of the spirit.  I do not want to know what could have happened if we had not left when we did. 

I will post some pics in a while when I get a chance.

Maddie learns to ride a bike!

Like her mother this little girls determination to do anything  amazes me every day!  We fixed the bikes  so the kids could have fun this summer with them!  Previously Maddie had a little trike,  that she road like crazy and we kind of just figured that she would keep riding it, she was content.  Or so I thought until I woke up this morning to Maddie saying "mom I am going to learn how to ride a bike."  I thought well if it is anything like the way she said she was going to tie her shoes in April and 5 min later she had her shoes tied, then I was sure she would do it.  So with no help at all she climbed onto that bike and a few falls she is now a pro at riding her bike.  Me and all the kids are now going to go on a bike ride after lunch!  Although I wish there was a nice bike path to ride on here like there was in Boise we will make a fun path to ride and have a fun time just being together!!  Maybe we will take our bikes camping this weekend!

Last summer was fun making memories with my Family in Kansas.  This summer will be fun making memories with the kids!  We plan to go on many adventures and begin a life of exploring!  Love these kids of mine!

Healing in His Wings!!

You know that there has to be something wrong when for the past 5 years you have been trying to loose that baby weight and to no avail it does not come off, no matter how much you work out or watch what you eat or anything.  Then within 6 months you go from 155-160 to 130 to 135.  What in the heck.  5 years of work in 6 months....  Well I have come to find out that depression is not the best way to loose weight and I would not recommend it to anyone.  I have been struggling with depression for the past 5 years, but have struggled more recently with the loss of my mother and some other family issues, which have intensified the feelings of depression, loneliness, despair, hurt and anger.  I have withdrawn myself from all that love me and have built up a brick wall not letting anyone in at all.  I have tried to stay close to my Father in Heaven and know that he has not forgotten me.  I felt his love by all that have tried to reach out to me.  Their kind words and thoughtfulness.  It has not gone unnoticed, or felt.  I just did not know how to accept it.  I have felt that I have needed to write this post today as a way to begin to heal.  To let the joy I know I can feel come to the surface of my emotions and let it out.  I am who I am and nobody can change me.  I make my decisions along side with the Lord and follow his wisdom and guidance as I receive the inspiration.  Though scary at times the decisions may be, I do not see the Lords path for me like he sees it for me.  I must trust in him who will never let me down.  For he has known me much longer than I think, and knows all to well what is best for me.  I know that there are pivotal points that we come to in life where trusting in him may seem impossible and will take our everything that we have and think we will ever have and give it to the Lord.  The Lord will not leave us alone he has promised this to us.   There may be things that are to hard for me to handle by myself, but there is nothing that is to hard for the Lord to handle.  We must go to him in perfect faith and trust him enough to trust in his timing.  For me this has been a struggle.  But as I have sought answers from the Lord and received the same answers with the same burning in my heart time after time, I know that the Lord has answered me and it is now up to me to trust in his answer and move forward, looking forward and continue in patience.  I love my Savior and know that he has not left me alone.  And as I begin to let others into my life again and listen to them I will feel more of my Saviors love.  For it is through others that he often works.  My Aunt the other day was talking to me and she was at a loss as to how to help me.  I am guessing that she felt everything she would say I would disregard, not wanting the help.  I do have a stubran personality.  Anyway she said something to me that made me think and realize that she did love and want the best for me.  She prayed to Father that my Mom and Aunt would be able to influence me in some way.  It was then that I realized that the 2 most influential women in my life though they were on the other side of the veil had already been a huge influence in my life the past 6 months.  I just needed to heed their counsel.  I often will have dreams and in the past few months both of these amazing ladies have come to me with what I need to do, I was just not ready to heed their counsel and advice.  Patience is the answer, though some of the words they have spoke to me have come with much more force, but in the end it is patience.  The answers from Father are the same but with patience I will be able to follow through with these hard steps ahead of me.

Today I feel like I am bursting from the cloud that has hung over my head for some time.  I saw a slight ray of sun shine today and it felt good.  I know that I need to stay close to Father and let him help me remove this cloud as to see the light that awaits.  I read in the ensign today that though Father gives us hard trials to go through he often overcompensates in the end result of the blessings that await us.  The key is that we must endure and in my case endure with patience to the end when ever that may be!

For those of you that feel you are lost and alone please know that you are never alone though hard may be the road, I promise that Christ has felt your pain and wants to help you.  In time you will know how he can help you.  I can not say that it will come all at once but it will come as it has for me. Now when it comes you will find feelings of despair creep in and loniness come to you but remember not to fear for those are feelings that Satan would have you feel.  Just be prepared for those feelings to come and have a plan of when they do come of what you will do.  Whether that is to kneel and ask for more strength, sing a song or open the scriptures.  Surround your self with friends that will uplift and support you even when you feel like not going on.  It can happen for each of us to feel peace and joy once again.  I love the Savior and again share with you my testimony that there is nothing to hard for the Lord to do.  He is all knowing and all powerful!

I love life it is good and great and wonderful!!!  Healing is also a gift I accept from my Savior!  After all he is the great healer of all our wounds, I will let him heal and close my wounds.  I make that choice!

A star in the making

I was going through some old SD cards trying to find a video that we did last summer of my mom, but to no avail it can not be found anywhere....  But in the process I did find a way cute video of My Maddie singing a favorite song of ours!!  She is so stinkin cute!

A family adventure

Today I was feeling yucky had a lot of packing to do and then said "the heck with this, I am going up to the mountains."  So we cleaned up the house , packed a lunch and headed up high way 55 to Lowman.  A friend of mine told me about a really nice little hot springs, I had been wanting to explore this area so we did today.  I am also taking the girls here this weekend while the boys are on the father and sons campout.  Camping and being outdoors is who I am and I will do anything to be out in the nature, where peace and serenity are all around.   Here are a few pictures of our day adventure!  It was so fun!

Allison and Spencer on the trail!  

Joseph on a beach by the trail next to the river! 

Michael did not want to be left out, Smile little guy you are to hard to resist!

Daddy and Sammie.  Sammie having the time of her life! 

 We found a swarm of butterflys on the trail there had to be 15 of them!

They were beautiful!

The Mountains trees and river all a view from the trail!

These are my kids climbing over some rocks to get to the hot springs

Mommy and Sammie and Allie having watermelon after our hike! 

 Mommy and Sammie caught looking at the nature and just enjoying the peaceful moment

Mommy just enjoys being in nature, Peace is all I asked for and I got it!

 We love to just ENJOY!

 Allison as she enjoys the view!

 Allison my little exploring buddy, years to come of this my daughter and friend!

 Maddie on the trail next to the river she is an adventurous little girl!

 Allie and Sammie the cutest sisters ever, Love my little explorers!

Listening to the Spirit

A few days ago I was at the store with my 3 little ones.  We had finished all our shopping and we were on the way out of the parking lot.  As I drive out the same way of the Walmart parking lot to the stop sign, there was a man that held a sign: 5 kids any help will do, I need to feed my children.  I usually turn my eye and try not to look at those kind of people.  But I had a strong feeling that not only did I need to look but I needed to give him something.  I reached into my purse and gave him all the ones I had.  My Maddison asked me "mom why did you give him our money?"  It was there in that moment I was able to share my testimony of the Savior and how he always went after the ones with less.  He loves all of us even the ones that do not have homes.  For me this man was just as special as I was;  he was a child of our Father in Heaven and I needed to love him not judge him.  In the back of my mind as I do many times think what must this mans life be like what is it that makes him stand here and have to beg?  Then my mind begins to wonder will we ever be ever to accept all people for who they are let just a little bit of our hearts into others hearts?  Will there be peace in the land, will there be a time when we can have our own opinions but still know that others will respect our opinions?  I pray that we can be understanding of each others thoughts and opinions.  I know that as we do this we will be that much closer to having a happier world.  The Lord called his people Zion because they were of one heart and one mind and there was peace among them.  We can start out by doing this in our own homes.  As we strive to do this then we will be able to let this example shine and give light to those that we our around.

So I am grateful for the experience that I had, though I do not make it a habit to give money to the begger on the street.  I do when moved upon by the spirit.  I felt happy and good about doing this.  I know that the Lord blesses us for doing what is right and following the promptings of the spirit.

Preparing to sell our house is a chore

I have been painting for the past week and it has been  a chore in its self.  After living here for almost 8 years it seems like there is so much to do that it can seem overwhelming.  I have a wonderful Cousin, Jessie that has helped out in this daunting task.  Today we did the ceiling, well most of it.  There are a few places that need some work but all in all we are just  about done.  The kitchen and living room and hall way are just about done.  I have the family room left which should be petty easy.  Just out of gas and no motivation to paint.  Looking for a house to rent in UT is my next step then maybe I will have a goal to work for with a time limit.  I need that sometimes as a motivator.  I will accomplish things, it just takes some time to do what I want.  This has been test of patience and a trail of my faith.  But through all of this I know that Father knows my needs and will in his time make sure they are met!

An adventure with Allison

Allison's 4th grade field trip was an overnight Idaho history field trip. An experience that I will never forget,and I hope that Allie will never forget right now!  We started out Thursday morning at s7am.  Allie road the bus and I was able to ride with some amazing ladies in the chaperone rig! Allie loved the bus; it was chartered which meant that it had a TV and a bathroom, plus all her friends so she was in heaven!  I had a good time getting to know all the chaperones that I road with!  Allison is part of a ALP program and it is combined with 2 different schools so both classes from the two schools went.  I was with all the ladies from the other school.  We all laughed and had so much fun!  I loved it!  We all had so much in common.  We were all out doorsy camping hiker type of girls.  We had a blast sharing our adventures we had been on, and the ones we wish to someday do with our families!

OK our first stop on the trip;  Brueno Sand dunes, we talked about how the sand dunes were formed, then the kids were able to run and play and climb the dunes that was fun for them!  They had sand all over them but they thought it was the coolest thing to roll and jump and slide in the sand!  Back on the bus we went, headed over to three island crossing where we learned that the Indians knew the land and river well and as the pioneers would come to the river the Indians would help the pioneers cross to safety.  There was also a lot of trading going on between them as well.  They were friendly to each other!  The kids were able to walk down and see the crossing site at the river!  We loaded up the bus and headed down the road again to the Malad gorge.  Where we walked out to a long narrow bridge and stood over the huge gorge.  It for me was a bit frightening cause I am scared of heights but for Allie and many of the kids it was so cool.  We then did a bus tour and stopped at a few other places and got out to look at different things.  The ranger asked the kids what they thought this plant was that was a sage green color and flat and shaped like a cow pie, it was cow pie buck wheat, and if stepped on would die within a year or so.  We finished the bus tour of the gorge and then got back into our SUV and drove down the road to the Hagerman fish hatchery where we learned how fish were made and taken care of at the hatchery, they are tagged and tracked from the time they are eggs.  They then are released and you can tell if they are from a hatchery because they have a clipped fin.  The kids were then able to see some large sturgeon fish and touch them, they thought that was a lot of fun!  We had fun there and then headed for the bus to go to the Hagermen fossil beds visitor center.  We saw the Idaho horse, we were unable to go to the fossil bed dig site due to the distance it was from the visitors center and the time we had.  We loaded the bus and headed to Shoshone falls!  We ate dinner there and looked at the falls, the kids were able to explore and wander a bit! It was relaxing to just sit and enjoy the sun and to catch our breath a little.  We then got back on the bus and headed for the church where we would stay!  We unloaded all the overnight stuff, had the kids lay out there beds and then they played around a bit till it was time for us to load the bus and head to the Harret center at the College of Southern Idaho.  We spent the evening star gazing and looking through the telescopes at the the different planets and even saw Saturn and Venus and a star cluster.  We had a great time! We boarded the bus and headed back to the church, got the kids ready for bed and turned out the lights and it only took twice before all the kids were quiet and well on their way to sleep!  And we adults sleep as much as we could before 6:30 came around.  I got up dressed and ready and then the kids all started getting up by 7:00.  Allison was up and ready to be the first to eat breakfast!  The kids all were ready to leave by 8:00 amazing!  We headed back to the Harret Center, where we were able to see some reptiles(snakes and reptiles)  the kids were all so tired still. The thought that the reptiles were pretty cool!  We then were able to go back to the observatory and view the sun through a special solar lens.  We saw sun spots and gases that were be expelled by the sun!  It was pretty cool!  We then saw a planatrium show Venus transits the Sun.  By the way will happen on June 5th.  So that was pretty cool for the kids to know what to expect!  We looked around at the museum after the planitrerum show for a while longer and then it was time to head back to the bus!  We all headed out to Craters of the Moon.  We arrived there and had a brief explaintion of how the lava came to be and then we were drove to the trail where we did  a 2 mile hike.  It was fun, there were markers on the trail and a brief description about each site that was marked.  The kids had a fun time being able to explore and look at the beauty of what nature creates!  We then finished the hike and traveled a mile or so to the caves.  We hiked to a cave and climbed down into it walked through it and then climbed out of it!  The kids were afraid that they would see a bat but we never did!  It was a fun little adventure!  A place I would love to take the kids!  We then loaded up again, and headed to dinner at Zeppes Pizza.  It was nice to be able to relax.  We ate and talked and the kids all played in the game room.  We then loaded up again and drove to our final destination!  We took all the kids swimming at 1000 springs, it was a large swimming pool heated by hot springs!  We all swam, and had fun!  There was volley ball, keep away foot ball, and there was a large log that we all played on as well.  1 hour of fun and then we were all tired and ready to be home.  We loaded the bus and from what I hear most of the kids crashed on the bus!  We pulled into town about 11pm.  Let me just say that we were all so tired we crashed when we got home.  I do have to say that this is a trip that Allie and I will never forget!  This trip makes me excited for Home School because I can plan trips like this for the kids, knowing that we will be having many more opportunities to explore due to a more flexible schedule.  I can not wait for this fall to start school with the kids!

That was our trip in a nut shell!  We all had fun and enjoyed ourselves and made new friendships!

I was going through my purse, cleaning out recites and entering them into the computer, I came across a recite that I wrote something down on.  I was in UT.  with my two little kids Sammie and Michael. We were hanging out with the Neratkos's.  Michael was telling 2 of her kids about his birthday.  He was also telling them that when he turned 8 he would be baptized.  He informed them that the place where you get baptized is the water Jordan.  I have an almost 5 year old, that is so excited to be baptized.  He has such a strong testimony of Jesus.  He has such a determination to share the gospel with all that he is around.  He truly feels the love that Father in Heaven has for him.  I just hope that as his mommy I can keep giving him opportunities to let his testimony continue to grow.  I know that for me as a mother helping him see who he is as a child of God is a goal that I have had sense I was a little girl, I dreamed of having children of my own, to teach the gospel to.  I am grateful for the knowledge I have of the gospel.  I love serving God by raising righteous children.  I know that one day they will make choices of their own.  I just want to make sure that I am giving them a firm foundation where when they grow up they will have a love for God and his church more than a love for the ways of this world.  Something that with time and the changes of society it continues to get harder for these children that we are raising.  Satan seems to know how to test each of us and knows our weaknesses just as much as Father knows our future.  I know that as we trust in God and follow the promptings we will be blessed with the guidance that we need to make it in this life.

A challenge in my life, we all have different ones...

After loosing my mother coupled by other problems at home I have had a hard time staying positive.  Life has presented it self with a set of challenges that at times I wonder to my self if I have the strength to go on.  I look at my 6 wonderful reasons to go on and see how amazing they are and then remember what I must do.  Then I pray for the strength from Father to help me move.  I have been in and out of  some pretty deep depression for almost a year.  And I wonder when is it  going to end and when will the light come?  I am writing this late at night cause it seems better then crying my self to sleep.  I often wonder why Moms body had to be torchered and beat up by that horrific disease they call cancer.  Then I look at how well she bared it, and wonder could I ever be as brave as she was with all of what she went through.  Oh how I miss my mom, a piece of my heart is gone and for me to go on like this is so hard.  I want so badly to talk to her, yet I can not.  I have been given one of the hardest test of my life to live with out my mother here on this earth.  A mother for the last 12 years has been my best friend and someone that I have grown to love more than I ever thought I could love like that. She truly taught me about the Savior through how she lived her life.  We shared things only that best friends would share, ours was more than just a mother daughter relationship, we truly were best friends.  If I did not call her or she did not call me we would worry about the other.  I lay here tonight and wonder what she is doing and wonder if she still thinks about me and how I am doing.  I know this has been one of the hardest separations of my life.  I wished I could have lived closer to her over the last 12 years but that was not to be.  There are times when I wonder what the Lord wants me to do here so I can do it and then be called home.  I want to be happy again so I can go through life again in the light instead of the darkness.  There are days when I feel like I have friends that listen and then there are days when I feel all alone and there is no one to listen to me.  There are days when I do not want to talk to anyone and want no ones help because I feel like a burden to them.  I am in that state right now I give people the "I am fine there is nothing wrong".  But really I am hurting and I do not know what any one could do to make it better right now.  I really just want my Mommy, to cry on her shoulder.  Then in her way of telling me its ok buck up and be a happy camper.  The Lord has given me these trails that I may become stronger and I feel like some how I will be stronger.  Even though I feel all alone right now I know He has not left me.  I know that He loves me and that He will never stop loving me.  I know this because He gave suffered alll the pains and sorrow and suffering I am feeling and going through for me right now.  I know that the Savior has my best interests in mind.  I know one of my weaknesses is accepting help and comfort from all willing to give it, not just the ones that I choose to let give it to me.  A close friend once told me while serving with her in  a Relief Society Presidency that we must support each other in our callings so we can find ways to serve others and in return let others serve us.  I am denying the blessings that come to others when I do not let them serve me.  I also may not be letting them strengthen their faith if they come to me because the Spirit sent them to me.  Such was the case a week ago.  My Relief Society Pres. came to me trying to find me because she was inspired and touched be the spirit that she needed to find me and talk with me.  This was  a particularly hard day one that I just did not want to finish.  She came and made things a little brighter.  I am fighting and I do not want to do this anymore.  I have learned that I must rely on the Lord with all that I do and with his help find the answers to my problems and then trust in him that the decisions we make together will be what is best for me and my family.  I write this not to tell everyone my sob story but to tell you that I am trying to be happy.  I guess writing is a destressor for me more so then talking.  I love to write and  I love it when others write me words of encouragement.  My Mother and I would do this when one of us was having a hard time.  I do not voice my words easily when I am sad, but as you can see I can express myself better in writ.  I must breath and know just because mom is not here does not mean that she sends me angels that know right what to say when I need to hear them.  Thanks for listening to me, I hope I get over this slump soon........

I have not posted in a while and thought that I would share a few fun mommy moments with you all!!

Yesterday Michael and I went to the school to do some PTO stuff.  I pulled up to the school in no hurry to get right out.  Michael of course being the busy body wasted no time in getting right out of the car.  He looked at me sitting in the car, then he matter of factley came over to my side of the car and opened the door for me and stated I am opening your door for you because that is what a gentle man does for a women.  Well I am so grateful that Michael has a few good examples to teach him the importance of women and how to treat them!

Today Maddie and Sammie and I all snuggled on my bed inside of a sleeping bag while Maddie and I took turns reading a book!  We had fun doing this.  Now Sammie and Maddie are playing hide and seek in the sleeping bag!!  Not to mention Maddie found my bra and her and Sammie have been putting it on each other!! They are so funny!  I remember as a child doing the same thing with my moms bras!!  I love watching my children be children and it makes me sad about how fast they are growing up and how these moments will only be a few short years.  Kids grow up so fast!

It had been a long day, the mother of 6 wonderful children, doing all that has to be done to take care of the children was extremely tired.  She laid down for a 10 min power nap armed with the alarm clock to wake her up just in time to pick up one of the kids from a birthday party.  The nap had not been nearly enough,but she rolled out of bed and put on her shoes and walked to the door.  Still waking up from a desperately needed nap. Walking to the front door,the house quite because the rest of the kids were gone to a park with dad.  She then spotted what looked like a enormous bug,  at first it took her by surprise but then

she had a smile on her face when she remembered her two sweet little boys who had been collecting bugs earlier in the morning.  They were so proud of their bugs carrying them everywhere.  Even though mother had asked them to not bring the bugs in the house , with boys they always end up finding their way inside, and some how this little bug had gotten its self in a predicament.  It was stuck in a strange place unfamilar to its surroundings and unable to find its way out.  As this mother found the bug, the bug must have been a little unsure and a little scared of what would become of it with the interaction of a human.  It had to trust that she would be safe in her hands till it was placed gentle out side.  She was this bugs only hope to again make it back to its home out in nature.  And so this bug put its trust in a mother and made its way outside again safe from the pitter patter of little feet that would soon enter the home once more, and break the silence.  No worries the bug got out and all was back to normal once again!!

Last story of the day,  I was walking out the door to get Spencer from a birthday party when out of the corner of my eye I caught a creepy crawling thing crawling across my entry way floor by the front door..... It was a rolly polly.  I then remembered that the two little boys were collecting bugs this morning!!  Thought that I would share a picture of what a found with all of you guys!!

Have a great day and just know that I had the best day ever with my wonderful kids!!