Last night I was talking to Garrett, my almost teenage son, about a setback that he was having in karate. As most of our talks do, our conversation evolved into something much deeper. He suddenly said, "Sometimes I wonder what if I was like other people." For those of you who don't know Garrett, he is a very deep, very genuine, very intelligent boy. But he doesn't think the way most people, especially people in his peer group, think. Some have called him socially awkward because he doesn't automatically reach out to people and prefers to be by himself than surrounded by people. As a parent, of course I want my son to have friends and "fit in." I don't want people to think of my son as "that awkward kid who likes to sit by himself at lunch and doesn't have any friends." So when he said those words, my mind automatically went to a saying that I've seen pinned a hundred times on Pinterest: Why be a second rate version of somebody else, when you can be a first rate version of yourself. Or something to that effect. I told him that. I'm always telling my kids to be themselves. I am completely turned off by people who put up facades and want the world to think that they and their lives are perfect, because we all know that that is a lie. But my real dilemma is how to tell my kids to be themselves and then turn around and tell my son that he can not go out in public in a toga, or my daughter that she has to have her hair done before she goes to school, or that if she keeps crying in public people will think that she is a drama queen cry baby, and not feel like a complete hypocrite. How do you teach your children to function in society without losing the parts of themselves that make them who they are?
When I was in high school I played in the band. I for the longest time have not admitted that to anyone that I have met in my adult life. I know all about the term "band geek." Why would I purposefully admit to being a band geek? I've made up all kinds of excuses to those that know about my dirty little band secret like how my parents made me stick with it. But the truth is that I enjoyed it. I love music. I love to sing. I loved playing an instrument (tenor saxophone, by the way). I love the feeling of learning a part and putting it together with other parts to create something amazing. I love the simplicity, yet complex nature of classical music. I loved being a part of something. But in order to fit in with my neighbors and new adult friends who were all athletes and cheerleaders in high school, I decided to let go of that part of me. And I am ashamed of that.
So back to my son. I have decided that I will help him get over his fears, but I will never expect him to fit into the social box. I love him more than life and I know that he will find his niche in this world. Nobody ever changed the world for the better by thinking inside of the box. Nobody ever made a difference who didn't stand up to societal norms and say "that's wrong and I'm not going to blindly follow the flock."
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My Little Miracle
Eleanor "Ellie" Grace Walters was born on March 25th, six weeks early. She was so small weighing in at 4 lbs 13 oz. I remember laying on the table waiting to hear her cry, hoping that we had made the right choice, and when she did, a wave of relief swept through me. We had made the right choice. I had so many choices to make, some easy, some not. But looking back, I would not change anything. It's funny how things seem to work out. In the midst of a crisis, you really wonder if it will, but it does.
On March 21 I went in for my tri-weekly visit with the Perinatologist. I have had a very long, love-hate relationship with those guys. And at this appointment, I was told that because everything was going well, maybe they would hold off delivering the baby. This was good, right? Yeah, when you're having to have your blood drawn three times a week and are on bed rest, being told that you'll have to do this even longer than you expected is sure to cause some anxiety. But I told the doctor that I would go along with whatever she thought was right. We decided to base our decision on the outcome of a 24 hour urine test (my 4th). If the levels were going down or at least remaining stable we would hold off and try to reach 37 weeks. If they went up, we would deliver at 34 weeks.
On March 23 the results were in: the kidney was struggling. It was time to deliver the baby. I felt like this was the right choice. I had had a tour of the NICU and was confident in their ability to save my baby. I had also discussed having the baby via c-section. I don't know why I felt like it was important to deliver this way. I had never had one, but I just kept having the same thought that this was the thing to do. So, we set the date for March 25, which is the day before my anniversary.
March 25th, very early in the morning, we showed up at the hospital. I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't nervous. There were so many what ifs. First, this was my second major surgery in 4 months. Second, the baby wasn't even close to full term, what if she didn't make it. What if she had some major problems? Third, I had to go off blood thinners for 36 hours. What if I had another blood clot? I was nervous. But I knew that everything would be okay.
It seemed like hours, but I think it was only 40 minutes that I laid on the operating table. I was shaking so bad when we went in to be prepped. The idea of having my body cut into while I was awake was a bit morbid to me. But after the spinal with morphine kicked in, no more shaking. I listened and listened for them to say that the baby was out, and finally I heard those words. Then I listened for the crying, and it was music to my ears. Gary was allowed to go over to where they were working on the baby, which is actually a room right outside of the OR where the NICU team waits. It's great to see how organized they are. A few minutes later Gary showed up at my side with our little baby. I could only see her little (and I do mean little) face. Then she was whisked away to the NICU. The doctors tied my tubes (at my request, and the request of several doctors) and sewed me all up.
I didn't get to hold my baby that day. After the spinal wore off and I was able to get into a wheelchair, I was allowed to be wheeled up to see her. She was so small. She had so many machines attached to her, but she was alive and breathing on her own! Apparently, her blood sugar levels had been at a 14, and they are supposed to be at a 60. I guess we almost lost her, but by some miracle and modern technology, she made it.
The month I spent at the NICU was a struggle, but I'll save it for another post. I am just so happy to be able to say that Ellie and I made it. We made it! Things could have been so different for us, but for some reason, by some miracle, we survived. Every time I look at her little face, I just feel so thankful for so many reasons.
On March 21 I went in for my tri-weekly visit with the Perinatologist. I have had a very long, love-hate relationship with those guys. And at this appointment, I was told that because everything was going well, maybe they would hold off delivering the baby. This was good, right? Yeah, when you're having to have your blood drawn three times a week and are on bed rest, being told that you'll have to do this even longer than you expected is sure to cause some anxiety. But I told the doctor that I would go along with whatever she thought was right. We decided to base our decision on the outcome of a 24 hour urine test (my 4th). If the levels were going down or at least remaining stable we would hold off and try to reach 37 weeks. If they went up, we would deliver at 34 weeks.
On March 23 the results were in: the kidney was struggling. It was time to deliver the baby. I felt like this was the right choice. I had had a tour of the NICU and was confident in their ability to save my baby. I had also discussed having the baby via c-section. I don't know why I felt like it was important to deliver this way. I had never had one, but I just kept having the same thought that this was the thing to do. So, we set the date for March 25, which is the day before my anniversary.
March 25th, very early in the morning, we showed up at the hospital. I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't nervous. There were so many what ifs. First, this was my second major surgery in 4 months. Second, the baby wasn't even close to full term, what if she didn't make it. What if she had some major problems? Third, I had to go off blood thinners for 36 hours. What if I had another blood clot? I was nervous. But I knew that everything would be okay.
It seemed like hours, but I think it was only 40 minutes that I laid on the operating table. I was shaking so bad when we went in to be prepped. The idea of having my body cut into while I was awake was a bit morbid to me. But after the spinal with morphine kicked in, no more shaking. I listened and listened for them to say that the baby was out, and finally I heard those words. Then I listened for the crying, and it was music to my ears. Gary was allowed to go over to where they were working on the baby, which is actually a room right outside of the OR where the NICU team waits. It's great to see how organized they are. A few minutes later Gary showed up at my side with our little baby. I could only see her little (and I do mean little) face. Then she was whisked away to the NICU. The doctors tied my tubes (at my request, and the request of several doctors) and sewed me all up.
I didn't get to hold my baby that day. After the spinal wore off and I was able to get into a wheelchair, I was allowed to be wheeled up to see her. She was so small. She had so many machines attached to her, but she was alive and breathing on her own! Apparently, her blood sugar levels had been at a 14, and they are supposed to be at a 60. I guess we almost lost her, but by some miracle and modern technology, she made it.
The month I spent at the NICU was a struggle, but I'll save it for another post. I am just so happy to be able to say that Ellie and I made it. We made it! Things could have been so different for us, but for some reason, by some miracle, we survived. Every time I look at her little face, I just feel so thankful for so many reasons.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Well, I have finally reached my third trimester. The end is now in sight! I've had so many people asking how I'm doing. Well, I feel pregnant. The last trimester is always hard for me. I'm huge, my body hurts, I can't sleep and well, you ladies that have been pregnant know what I'm talking about. It's just a part of pregnancy. I was really hoping that the last part of my pregnancy would be uneventful, but it is not to be. It seems as though my poor little lone kidney is not handling the added stress very well. My protein levels are really high and my creatinine levels are way low. Which means basically that my kidney is not functioning the way it should be. My blood pressure is normal, in fact it's really good, so the doctor doesn't think that it's preeclampsia. I have an appointment with my kidney doctor next week, so maybe he'll be able to figure out what's going on. Hopefully it's just a matter of me not drinking enough water or something like that. I'm pretty sure that I would not enjoy being on dialysis for the rest of my life. Although, a couple hours a day of quiet might not be too bad...
The other half of the drama has to do with my blood clotting and the fact that I'm on blood thinners. My lung dr. is afraid that if I go off the blood thinners, even for a short time, my lungs will fill up with clots again. So he wants to have the robotic squid, I mean IVC filter placed back in. The radiologist says that's not a good idea and that my vein could be damaged. If I don't go off of the blood thinners, I will bleed. A lot. So...now we are discussing the possibility of a C-section. I've never had one. But I've had a kidney surgically removed, so I'm pretty sure a baby wouldn't be too bad. So what do you do when none of your doctors can agree on what's best for you? I really am glad that they all have my best interest at heart. I am a little sick of all the tests and appointments. I guess that's to be a normal part of my life now, so I'll just learn to deal with it.
But the craziest piece of drama is that we can't seem to think of a name for this little one. The poor baby is going to be nameless. Any ideas?
The other half of the drama has to do with my blood clotting and the fact that I'm on blood thinners. My lung dr. is afraid that if I go off the blood thinners, even for a short time, my lungs will fill up with clots again. So he wants to have the robotic squid, I mean IVC filter placed back in. The radiologist says that's not a good idea and that my vein could be damaged. If I don't go off of the blood thinners, I will bleed. A lot. So...now we are discussing the possibility of a C-section. I've never had one. But I've had a kidney surgically removed, so I'm pretty sure a baby wouldn't be too bad. So what do you do when none of your doctors can agree on what's best for you? I really am glad that they all have my best interest at heart. I am a little sick of all the tests and appointments. I guess that's to be a normal part of my life now, so I'll just learn to deal with it.
But the craziest piece of drama is that we can't seem to think of a name for this little one. The poor baby is going to be nameless. Any ideas?
Monday, January 31, 2011
My Blue Dilema
I have seriously been staring at the same three squares of blue on the bathroom wall for about 30 minutes trying to decide on the perfect color. I know. I am a bit picky when it comes to paint for the walls. But I will have to stare at those walls every day! On a bright note, by this time tomorrow the molding will be up and looking uh-mazing!
Here's a little preview of what to expect...
Here's a little preview of what to expect...
Now if I can just decide on the right color!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bathroom Make-over!
I love to decorate. Unfortunately, I have kind of expensive taste when it comes to decorating (ie Pottery Barn, Ballard Designs, etc) and with (almost) 5 kids, the budget just doesn't allow for that. So, many of the rooms in my house have sat undecorated. But...I've stumbled upon some blogs of other women with the same problem who have been able to make their homes beautiful, while living debt free. They've really inspired me to finally take over the chaos that rules my house and make it a beautiful, decorated, organized space.
So...my first project of the new year is the girls' bathroom. Currently, it is sporting tan walls (that match the rest of the house), a ripped frog-themed shower curtain, a white rug that blends in perfectly with the tile, a boring towel rack and no personality whatsoever.
So...my first project of the new year is the girls' bathroom. Currently, it is sporting tan walls (that match the rest of the house), a ripped frog-themed shower curtain, a white rug that blends in perfectly with the tile, a boring towel rack and no personality whatsoever.
(Sorry about the picture quality. My camera broke and I have to use my phone.)
I have some really cute ideas for making this a fun, girly bathroom, beginning with a new, ruffly shower curtain and some custom made (by me) hanging towels. Which reminds me...that towel bar will have to go to make room for some cute little knobs to hang the towels on. Definitely a new, more girlish, color for the wall and a little picture frame molding to add some character. Oh, and of course, a new rug.
The best part...all of this will be done as budget-friendly as possible. I'm really excited for the challenge. I think it's really easy to have a beautiful home when you have $$$ to spend, but it takes a little more effort when you don't.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Gifts of Healing and Miracles
I went to church on Sunday. I had to get out of the house, or I would go CRAZY! The RS lesson was about gifts of the spirit. A few of us were given papers to read outlining the different gifts. When I finally looked down and read mine, I almost started laughing, and crying at the same time. My paper said,"#7: The Gift of Healing" and further down the page "The Gift of Miracles." Yeah, I don't know anything about that, right? I decided that it had been rigged. But...Miracles are a gift, and they are very much alive in this world today. I know this first hand.
I had my staples taken out yesterday. My incision looks really gross. I also received my diagnosis. The tumor in my kidney was a whopping 7.8 cm in size. It was stage 2 renal cell carcinoma (aka kidney cancer). It had grown outside of the kidney, but had stopped in the fatty lining around the kidney. It has not spread to the rest of my body. The cancer is very slow growing, but Gary read on the internet that once it gets bigger than 7cm, it usually breaks out of the kidney and enters the rest of the body. I, seriously, dodged a bullet. There is a 15% chance that I will have renal cell carcinoma again in my life, but that is in God's hands. I'm not going to worry about that.
I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful for family, friends and neighbors who have been praying for me. I'm thankful for my mom who has been here for me, and even stayed up all night in the hospital with me walking and scratching my legs and watching cheesy Lifetime movies with me. I'm thankful for doctors who knew what they were doing. I'm thankful for Gary for keeping me positive and making me laugh, even when it hurt to laugh, and for putting up with me when I was on morphine and scaring away missionaries and nurses. He is definitely the source of my strength and I am so so so grateful for him. I'm thankful for my kids, all five of them.
And I'm thankful for the gifts of miracles and healing.
I had my staples taken out yesterday. My incision looks really gross. I also received my diagnosis. The tumor in my kidney was a whopping 7.8 cm in size. It was stage 2 renal cell carcinoma (aka kidney cancer). It had grown outside of the kidney, but had stopped in the fatty lining around the kidney. It has not spread to the rest of my body. The cancer is very slow growing, but Gary read on the internet that once it gets bigger than 7cm, it usually breaks out of the kidney and enters the rest of the body. I, seriously, dodged a bullet. There is a 15% chance that I will have renal cell carcinoma again in my life, but that is in God's hands. I'm not going to worry about that.
I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful for family, friends and neighbors who have been praying for me. I'm thankful for my mom who has been here for me, and even stayed up all night in the hospital with me walking and scratching my legs and watching cheesy Lifetime movies with me. I'm thankful for doctors who knew what they were doing. I'm thankful for Gary for keeping me positive and making me laugh, even when it hurt to laugh, and for putting up with me when I was on morphine and scaring away missionaries and nurses. He is definitely the source of my strength and I am so so so grateful for him. I'm thankful for my kids, all five of them.
And I'm thankful for the gifts of miracles and healing.
Friday, November 19, 2010
My Journey into single Kidney-hood...Part 1
Well, I am happy to report that I am alive and well, and so is the baby. And I feel amazing...and overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the amount of prayers that have been said on my behalf. Gary told me that there was even an entire Jewish school praying for me. Friends, family, people I've never even met have mentioned me in their prayers. And that is overwhelming. In a good way. I know that not everyone will read this, but I am so grateful for the prayers and thoughts and good karma that have been sent my way. I know that they were heard and answered.
My journey started on November 9th when I had to go to the hospital to have a filter placed in the major vein that runs up my body to prevent any blood clots that may form from reaching my lungs...again. I was pretty nervous at the thought of having this done, especially because I had to be awake for the procedure. But...it turned out to not be so bad, even though it did hurt and it was pretty freaky having a wire placed down my jugular vein, and being awake to realize this was happening. By the way, the filter looks like a mechanical squid. And it is still lodged in my body as I type this.
On the 10th I went to ladies' night at The Melting Pot with my sister-in-law. Pure heaven...
On the 11th, I did some errands and stopped eating solid food. My mom took the kids that night because Gary and I had to report at the hospital bright and early the next morning at 5:30. We watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I fell asleep part way through Private Practice. Gary said they were the two dumbest shows he's ever seen.
Early on November 12th, we made our way to the hospital. We checked in, got blood work, and they got me all prepped for my surgery. On a side note, the tech who wheeled me into the surgery holding room had trained with me when I worked at Sundance. Small world. In the holding room, it was just me and five very old people. I guess only very old people are crazy enough to be awake and having surgery at 5:30 in the morning. To keep myself busy, I rummaged through my medical charts, that seem to becoming longer and longer all the time. Listed as one of my symptoms was...Overweight. Oi! Nothing like a medical chart to make the truth so vivid. I suppose I'll have to find a way to cure that one. Maybe the Dr. could do a fat-ectomy on me?
At 6:30am they wheeled me into the OR. It made me think of the doctors on Grey's Anatomy telling the interns to "prep an OR." I looked for McDreamy, but I guess he doesn't do nephrectomies (which is a fancy word for removing an entire kidney). And then I was asleep.
To be continued...
My journey started on November 9th when I had to go to the hospital to have a filter placed in the major vein that runs up my body to prevent any blood clots that may form from reaching my lungs...again. I was pretty nervous at the thought of having this done, especially because I had to be awake for the procedure. But...it turned out to not be so bad, even though it did hurt and it was pretty freaky having a wire placed down my jugular vein, and being awake to realize this was happening. By the way, the filter looks like a mechanical squid. And it is still lodged in my body as I type this.
On the 10th I went to ladies' night at The Melting Pot with my sister-in-law. Pure heaven...
On the 11th, I did some errands and stopped eating solid food. My mom took the kids that night because Gary and I had to report at the hospital bright and early the next morning at 5:30. We watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I fell asleep part way through Private Practice. Gary said they were the two dumbest shows he's ever seen.
Early on November 12th, we made our way to the hospital. We checked in, got blood work, and they got me all prepped for my surgery. On a side note, the tech who wheeled me into the surgery holding room had trained with me when I worked at Sundance. Small world. In the holding room, it was just me and five very old people. I guess only very old people are crazy enough to be awake and having surgery at 5:30 in the morning. To keep myself busy, I rummaged through my medical charts, that seem to becoming longer and longer all the time. Listed as one of my symptoms was...Overweight. Oi! Nothing like a medical chart to make the truth so vivid. I suppose I'll have to find a way to cure that one. Maybe the Dr. could do a fat-ectomy on me?
At 6:30am they wheeled me into the OR. It made me think of the doctors on Grey's Anatomy telling the interns to "prep an OR." I looked for McDreamy, but I guess he doesn't do nephrectomies (which is a fancy word for removing an entire kidney). And then I was asleep.
To be continued...
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