Super Bowl Halftime Guaranteed to be Lousy

If you think the Super Bowl halftime show this season couldn’t be any worse than what we’ve had in the last several years, think again. This season’s halftime show will be headlined by none other than Madonna. Yes, that’s the same Madonna who the elementary school girls idolized back in 1985 and played on boom boxes when I was in sixth grade. I don’t understand the reasoning behind the selection committee’s decision. It seems they are trying to tone it down from previous years and keep it family friendly. But how does that fit for Madonna who is outspoken politically and pushes the edge of what is and what is not acceptable. Back in the day, she pushed the limits of what is socially acceptable in music on the radio. Now her music sounds rather tame compared to what is available.

Still, the question lingers as to what is the NFL’s target market and demographic. We know that the die-hard football fans will watch the game for the sake of the game. Millions of other lukewarm fans will watch the big game for the spectacle of the halftime show and the advertising. With recent advertisements falling flat and bad halftime shows, we are back to enjoying the game for what it is. But don’t we want an enjoyable halftime show?

Last year's halftime show was the Black Eyed Peas in Dallas of all places. When we think of Dallas and their version of country Texas culture and the legendary Dallas Cowboys, how does that relate to the Black Eyed Peas? In the heart of Texas and down the road from the local country music scene of Texas bands in Austin, they pull in the most commercial pop group currently placing songs on the radio. The Peas’ performance stunk. Stupid costumes and we realized that they have no vocal abilities beyond sing-talking (not even as good as Willie Nelson) and without the help of voice tuning technology. They should have popped in a CD on the loud speaker and it would have been better.

How many die hard football fans are excited to see and hear Madonna? “Hey Brodie, did you get that new Madonna CD yet?” I don’t think that quote has happened anywhere. I can’t envision guys gathered at a sports bar in Green Bay chatting up her latest music. Reports state that she plans to sing a few songs from her new album. We all know that never works when an artist performs songs from a new album. If I go to a Bon Jovi concert, I want to hear “Living on a Prayer” and “Bad Medicine,” not the new stuff I don’t know.

With all the artist choices out there that could put on a decent show and still be maintstream without too mcuh controversy they could have selected Kenny Chesney, Rascal Flatts, Lady Antebellum, Rob Thomas, Lifehouse, Darius Rucker (Hootie), Carrie Underwood, to name a few, they just aren’t planning very well. Who can we hope for next season? Maybe Bette Midler and Barbara Striesand?

When Credit Card Customer Service Reps Go to Fast Food

The following conversation takes place at the Wendy's drive through speaker.

Wendy’s: Hello

Me: Hello

Wendy’s: Yes, may I have your name please?

Me: Garth

Wendy’s: Gart?

Me: Yeah sure.

Wendy’s: And your last name?

Me: Bryner, why do you need my last name?

Wendy’s: Can you spell that?

Me: Yes I can, why do you need it?

Wendy’s: Oh well, it’s okay. Mr. Bryan. I must inform you that this order will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes. Are we okay to proceed?

Me: Yes, I’ll watch what I say. I want a Bacon Deluxe without pickles.

Wendy’s: Without pickles? I need to ask my manager, okay to put you on hold?

Me: On hold?

Pause

Wendy’s: Hello?

Me: Yes, I’m here, just about 20 feet from you.

Wendy’s: Mr. Bryan I talked to my manager and we can do that for you this time, but it will cost fifty cents. Okay to process this charge?

Me: No, I’ll take off the pickles myself.

Wendy’s: Oh I’m sorry, Mr. Bryan, I already pushed the button. I can’t reverse that charge but you can log onto your account online and ask for a reversal. May I have your social security number?

Me: No you may not, can I still get my Bacon Deluxe?

Wendy’s: Okay that is the number 5, do you want it in the combo meal?

Me: yes, let’s do that.

Wendy's: The purchase of fries automatically qualifies you to the Wendy’s credit protection program. With this program your account will charged $19.95 a month by electronic funds transfer and will monitor your credit rating and information from all three credit bureaus. Do you wish to continue with the Wendy’s credit protection program?

Me: No I don’t but can I still get fries?

Wendy’s: Ooops I already pushed the button but you can…..

Me: Yes I know I can reverse it online! Can I talk to your manager?

Wendy’s: Oh wait let me see. We are experiencing high customer volume at this time. Can you come back during business hours but avoid our heavy customer volume during lunch and dinner time?

Me: That’s okay I’m never coming here again.

Wendy’s: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Bryan. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: I’d really like to order something that’s not tied to an online account or monthly financial transactions.

Wendy’s: You can order chicken nuggets.

Me: Fine, I’ll take two orders of that.

Wendy’s: Can I get your email?

How to be Frugal on a Recession Budget....OR... How to be THAT Guy

This is my first article in a new series of self-improvement and financial advice. Because of the recession and everyone is trying to save money, I brainstormed several ways to economically survive the recession without compromising fun. Most of these ideas came to me either during the last couple years of frugal spending or non-spending, and also reflecting back on the college days. I hope these suggestions provide ideas for your recessionary budget. Now go out there and become THAT guy. Everybody knows THAT guy, so this time it's you!

1. Conveniently forget your wallet. When I showed up with friends for dinner and a movie and I had left my wallet at home, I received a free meal and a free movie. Hmmmm, what if I forget my wallet all the time? Perfect!!

2. Go to parties, but never host a party. Parties and barbecues are expensive. Plus look at all the planning time. You have to shop, decide what food to purchase and get the house or apartment ready to host. Why go through all that trouble when you can simply be invited to a party. Just be funny and don't complain about things. No one wants to invite that person. But if you have a good personality and can be silly and the life of the party, then you have it made.


3. Get the 24 hour flu. When you're sick people want to help. Soup, caserole, fast food are all ways that your friends show that they care and want to help out. Send out a mass text to your caring friends when you're at work, "lying home in bed, tired, and burning up from fever. Boy a Wendy's baconator and large fries with a Coke sounds awesome! Prob sleeping till after your work. Hit me up later."

4. Don't ever be the driver. When you're going someplace or especially on a road trip, don't be stuck taking the lead. Your car can always be messy and in need of repairs. "I can't take my car out of town I just don't know when it's going to die in the middle of the freeway. I'd hate for you guys to be in a position like that." Or tell them that you will drive and you just received the Time/Life CD set of AM Gold. "It's okay dude, I'll drive. I have an Ipod." Now you're off the hook. If they ask you to pitch in for gas...."oh did I forget my wallet again?"

5. Find a roommate who cooks. If you are single, you need to find a roommate who cooks and likes to share. It's a perfect setup. "Hey that chicken and rice you cooked the other day is amazing. When are you making that again?" Chefs want to be complimented. If you are not single you can still open your house to a complete stranger who has been relocated because of a foreclosure of some other economic hardship. Move the kids into a room to create space for your new cooking friend.

McCain Accuses Illegal Canadians of Stealing Cement Mixer

PHOENIX– Arizona Senator John McCain, an outspoken critic of illegal immigration, is claiming illegal immigrants of stealing his cement mixer. McCain has recently come under fire for stating that the current Arizona wildfires have been caused by illegal immigrants. “My cement mixer is missing from one of my eight houses and I don’t recall letting a neighbor borrow it. I know that Canadians who are here in the States illegally are constantly looking for concrete construction work. It’s simply work that Americans just won’t do.”


McCain reportedly came home to Phoenix from Washington D.C. during a recent weekend and wanted to expand one of his backyard patios by adding additional concrete. “I heard him storm into the house,” reported his wife Cindy, “and he started into his all too common tirade of the illegals taking his stuff. First it was the bird feeders, then the rain gutters. I keep telling him we don’t have rain gutters on the house because we live in Arizona.”


“Build a fence, John! I keep telling him,” commented Cindy. “Why do we go through this brain damage every time he comes home? Just build a fence to keep the illegals out. But then he complains about the cost and the perception of the neighbors that he is not nice to Canadians.” Investigative research confrims that several Canadians investors have purchased homes in his Phoenix upscale Biltmore neighborhood. "How intersting is it that a few Canadians move into the neighborhood and suddenly my cement mixer goes missing," stated McCain. "I'm not saying that they did it, but who else would? Besides, isn't it always too cold to pour cement in Canada? No wonder they want one here in Arizona."


“At first I tried to ignore the problem, but I noticed that my gardening tools were slowly missing. First it was the rake, then a leaf blower, next thing it was my cement mixer. I asked my gardener Jose and he didn’t know where they went. I asked my guard Filipe and he hadn’t seen anyone come over the property line,” stated McCain. “I know it’s those Canadians. They want my stuff because they can’t get it in their country.”

"Senior, it's the Canadians," mentioned his landscaper Jose. "The ones who aren't suppposed to be here."

Drunken Sailors Demand Trump Apology

ASTORIA, OR -- The United Brotherhood of Drunker Sailors publicly demanded an apology from presidential candidate Donald Trump for comments he made on NBC’s Today Show this week. Trump likened the out of control spending of the U.S. Federal Government to that of a “drunken sailor.”

“We are united as drunker sailors and take offense to the comments made by Mr. Trump. We demand he apologizes to all drunken sailors in the country and recognize the good that we do,” stated the Union’s spokesman Caleb Wakefield. The statement was concluded with a celebratory toast of whiskey and bourbon and cheering by a crowd of local drunken sailors. “They spent very well tonight,” commented Nick McHenry, owner of the local McHenry’s Tavern in Astoria. “I guess you could say they spent like drunken sailors.”

The Trump campaign did not issue an apology but instead challenged the drunker sailors. “If you want me to apologize, then you can talk to Rosie,” said Trump referring to his long standing feud with Rosie O’donnell. Trump has researched campaign donations to show that the Brotherhood of Drunken Sailors has donated thousands of dollars to Democratic candidates, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. The Sailors have officially discounted this claim stating that they have donated to the campaign of Harry Reed, city councilman in Dutch Harbor, Alaska and also a Drunken Sailor.

There are instances of the Drunken Sailors spending more money than intended. During a fund raising event at Seattle’s Seaside Fish Grotto and Biker Bar last year, the chairman of the Drunken Sailors accidentally donated $250,000 to the Ronald McDonald House instead of the intended $25,000. “I guess when I’m lit up, I tend to add additional zeros to the checks I write,” stated Wes Wilson. “We are very involved in fundraising and in the community, but it’s unfortunate and embarrassing when a check bounces.”

Dairy Queen Unveils New "Oil Slick" Dessert Treat

MOBILE- From the restaurant that proudly delivers an ice cream dessert in the name of a natural weather event, Dairy Queen officials met Friday with British Petroleum executives in Mobile, Alabama to announce their latest new product to be known as the DQ Oil Slick.

“We are tremendously excited to take an otherwise terrible environmental disaster and turn it into one of the best desserts you will ever have,” said Dairy Queen’s vice president of product marketing and development Herbert Horatio Foster. The dessert is a mix of chocolate ice cream, chocolate frosting, chocolate pudding, chocolate chips, and smothered with chocolate fudge syrup. DQ was very excited to announce that there will be “oil covered surprises” in the dessert in the form of gummy bears and gummy worms. “We do acknowledge the fact that there are not bears in the Gulf of Mexico but if we had gummy birds and fish we would include those.”

“There’s really nothing you can do about the oil in the ocean so we might as well have a dessert while we set up our lawn chairs on the beach,” said Mayble Carslile, a lifetime costal resident. “Look Marge I think we have another duck washing up,” she then hit her friend twice on the upper arm, “that’s four to zero!”

Next week Dairy Queen officials will be meeting with President Obama at White House with what is being called the “DQ Summit.” The president is expected to talk with DQ about more environmentally friendly fast food wrappers and green technology to increase the speed of serving food, cutting costs and will add over 1 million new jobs in the fast food industry within the next 3 months.

“Ummmm I’m not really sure how green technology will translate into all those jobs. We tend to hire high school kids and if they can count money and read correctly, we consider that a bonus,” said Mr. Foster.

The Price is Right Meets the Biggest Loser

Today I have work off for a holiday and I ended up watching The Price is Right. I was going to comment that I haven’t watched that show in ten years, but it’s probably closer to twenty years. This show is just silly. It’s like a big obnoxious high school pep rally. Not much has changed really, except the host, but it’s still the same prizes and a lot of the same games. I wonder if they still have Plinko. Typically they offer bedroom sets, outdoor solar shower systems, and new cars.

If I was preparing to be a contestant on TPIR, I would check out stores to price out the most common items in the game such as Pine-Sol, Rice-a-Roni, and WD-40. I remember as a kid that the ladies who knew the price of Pine-Sol were always the big winners.

But some of the guessing games are just silly, such as guessing the price of the Chevy Equinox. Is it $23,859 or $23,759? For 100 dollars you can be either humiliated or regarded as the price guessing genius. If I guessed incorrectly, I’d ask to speak with a manager. “Bob it’s okay I’m willing to go the extra hundred dollars, because I really want to get into this vehicle.” The show should add some other elements to make it more exciting such as a used car salesman to help you haggle with the price.

Another great idea is to combine TPIR with The Biggest Loser. I watched that show once until 45 minutes into it, I realized that there is no plot and nothing more will happen than contestants weighing themselves on a big scale. If they combined the two shows, a Biggest Loser contestant will stand on a scale and TPIR guests will guess their weight. “Drew, I think she’s 315 pounds,” and the crowd goes wild. “Now we’re playing higher or lower. Does Don weigh higher or lower than 268?”

And what’s the deal with these expensive vacations? “How much will you bid for a 5-night trip to fabulous Las Vegas?! $4,382 or $4,132?” For me it’s $40 in gas both ways, a fruit pie and corn dog at the gas station, a few dinners eating out, crashing on Ryan’s apartment floor and I’ve cut that expensive vacation down to…..”Drew, I will bid $158.” Whooooo wooooooo.