37 years...

A picture that has been on my refrigerator for 12 years.

Laural 11 months, my mom, me, and my Grandma.

Four generations...



Today is my 37th birthday.  The house is silent.  Everyone is asleep but me.  You are in my thoughts. 

Yesterday I lost a lady who has been in my life from the very beginning.  I knew her before I knew you.  Thank you for giving her to me.  Thank you for having her impact my life in such a positive way.  You and she are amazing.

On this 37th year of my birth, I want to thank you.  I want to thank you for your promises.  I've been reading alot of them lately.  To prepare.  To prepare for another stage in my life without her....

Thank you for the 366 verses that say "Do not fear" in them.  I easily get scared.  My heart starts to race, my mind begins to play tricks on me, but then I remember, do not fear.  One verse for every single day of the year, including leap year. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear, for you are with me."  And of course you are.  You promised you "would never leave us or forsake us".  You promised us that.  I thank you for being a man of no sin, so you can NOT lie.  You always tell us the truth.  There is no reason to fear, for you are always with us.

 "In my Father's House there are many rooms.  If it were not true I would have told you."  (Thank you again for only being able to speak the truth.)  "I go and prepare a place for you."  Thank you for preparing a room for Grandma and for me.  You also said "blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted".  You never leave us and you hold us when we are sad.  You even wept.  Shortest verse in the Bible states that "Jesus wept."  You know and understand mourning.  You understand sadness.  You understand grief.  And you never ever leave us.

I thank you for "He shall wipe away every tear and there shall be no more death.  No more pain.  For these former things have passed away."  I thank you that there is only peace.  "Peace that surpasses understanding."  You are God and I am not.

 "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die;.....A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..."

I thank you for your promises God.  I thank you for the (one day short) of my 37 years that I had my Grandma.  I thank you, that she is in a beautiful place prepared specifically for her, by you.  Thank you for being you, and always loving us.  No matter what.  Because isn't that what family is all about Heavenly Father?

Always and Forever.  No matter what.....

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is tomorrow.  People say it is a Hallmark holiday, but those people have never witnessed the range of emotions, exuding from these walls, with merely the word "valentine".

Laural:  Currently she has no valentine, per se, without the lack of trying on some boys parts.  "You are very beautiful today" she heard on monday from one, and slow dancing with others last friday.  But she is hopeful over one boy.

Caleb:  He would rather spend those 24 hours hiding under his bed, enduring a self-induced hunger strike, than being "forced" into celebrating a boy/girl holiday of love.  Simply put, "Girls are Gross!".

Sam:  Mr Casanova, himself.  Monday he snuggled up to me, kissed my cheek, and took me off the "available" list.  "Mommy will you be my Valentine?"

Yohanna:  Then there is little Miss Princess.  She doesn't understand the "Lucy loves Schroeder" type holiday, but I often hear her asking for the "heart box thing that has candy in it".

Um, yeah.  Hallmark has nothing over my kids.

Sometimes He just grabs you...

Sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit grab me through the words of my child.  Friday was no exception...

Friday night Bill and I were in the living room with our four kids and the children were discussing how they wanted to go to this friend's house, or that friend's house, etc.  When I said, "Now hey, we didn't have you just for you to be always gone.  We had you for our enjoyment.  To spend time with you as you grow up.  One day you will be gone from this house to go where you wish.  And if I blink, it will be in an instant." 

Laural was disgusted.  She thought it was for our "intimate" enjoyment.  That 13 year old girl's brain is always in the gutter nowadays.  So I clarified what I meant.  "We prayed for each of you before you were even known to us.  We loved you before you were conceived.  For some of you, we tried years, to have you here with us.  It feels like we loved you into existence."  And then I looked away from them, to my stomach.  And I pointed right at it.  "Except for this one.  It was a complete surprise."

All of a sudden, I heard Caleb's voice speaking to me from across the room.  "Jesus was a surprise.  God sent Him to save us from our sins.  I think God likes surprises.  And I'm sure He has big plans for this baby too."

Silence filled the room.  And I think I finally "got it".  The Holy Spirit grabbed me with Caleb's words.  Here this whole time I have been scared.  Scared for another loss.  Don't get too attached in case something happens.   And what will people think?  Five kids.  FIVE!!!  Right then I began to think of Mary.  She didn't find out through two lines on a pregnancy test, but by an angel.  She was young and engaged.  How scared she must've felt.  What will people think?!  I can't even imagine how she must've felt to keep that secret from those she loved for so long.  We kept this one a secret longer than any others, while I waited in my fear.  I really finally "got it" friday night.  Five is just a number.  God can do anything.  And it's Ok to be scared of the unknown.  Because He was with Mary, and He is with me.  And I kind of like the idea that God likes surprises.  Because I do to. 

Today I went to the Dr for an appointment.  They asked me once again how I was feeling.  Nauseaus, tired and weak was my response as usual.  The nurse was busy writing down my "feelings" when she said, "It says you have four children at home, so I guess you have a reason to feel tired."  And she smiled at me, and continued to write.  Then I said to her, "You're right.  I have four busy kids at home. And this one was an unexpected surprise. But that's ok.  So was Jesus." 

She stopped writing.  Didn't move for a moment, and then looked back up at me, with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face and just nodded in agreement.  Maybe the Holy Spirit grabbed her at that moment too, and we both just rested in the fact that all children have a purpose under Heaven...

Psalm 127:3  Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.

Sometimes I forget...

Once again I was just reminded that every child deserves the chance for the love of a family.  I was sitting on the couch when Yohanna came in.  And proceeded to tell me this story.  "'My life according to Yohanna'.  I used to live in Africa.  And I had no family.  But God loves me.  He thinks I'm smart and special.  Soooooo He gave me you and daddy.  And now I'm a part of your family!" *waves arms in the air, full of excitement*

You know she's been with us 3 years next month.  And I forget.  I forget alot in fact.  I forget that I didn't birth this beautiful child of mine.  She's been with us so long, and has fit in with us so well that I just forget.  I don't see that she has brown skin.  (She does.)  But to me she just is Yohanna.  I forget. 

I hear her fighting with her siblings, and I hear her telling them that she loves them.  I hear the words "Mommy" many times a day from her.  I receive many hugs and kisses from her daily.  And its really hard to remember that she wasn't born under my heart, but she was born in it. 

When I think about all the "What if's", they scare me.  What if we never took that huge step (and I mean HUGE step) of faith?  What if we didn't follow God's call and never proceeded to adopt?  She wouldn't be here.  I would erase every single presence of her in my home and in my past, present, and future.  And I would erase her from my heart.  And that hurts worse than anything I can imagine.  My life without Yohanna would be like life after the loss of a child. 

I forget that she wasn't born MY child, but by the grace and love of God she became mine.  And that is something I don't ever want to forget.  I guess the day in and day out of life helps us to "forget".  Lord please help me to remember. 

There are so many children waiting for families.  So many everywhere.  Hoping for the chance to fight with a brother or sister.  Hoping for the chance for a mommy and daddy to tell them that they love them.  Hoping for the chance of a home of their very own.  Hoping for the same chance as the other adopted children around the world.

May we never forget again...

"'My life according to Yohanna'. I used to live in Africa. And I had no family. But God loves me. He thinks I'm smart and special. Soooooo He gave me you and daddy. And now I'm a part of your family!" *waves arms in the air, full of excitement*


 

Outlet

I need an outlet of where to write.  So I came here.  Many of you won't uderstand this post.  Mainly its just a bunch of thoughts running rampant through my mind.  I would rather type than write.  This is much faster.  I apologize to those who read this who have no idea what I'm talking about.  But this is for me.  My outlet.  And I apologize.....

Last night I had a dream that I had supernatural powers.  I wore a big "T" on my shirt and I could travel through time like a Superhero.  I could change anything I wanted for the better of humanity.  If that was true, my first stop would have been on sunday...

I wonder when hunting will be fun again.  Something to look forward to.  Caleb talks of hunting all the time.  He hasn't spoken of it lately.  Maybe for him the word "hunt" brings tears to everyone, so he chooses not to talk about it.    I sometimes worry that for him, his favorite thing has been ruined.  I worry about that for my brother too...

I think about him all the time.  My friend wrote to me yesterday that she lit a candle, and everytime she looks at it, it reminds her to say a prayer for him.  I thought that was great.  I wondered what I could do like that.  Candle wouldn't work, since I always have one lit.  I went upstairs and grabbed my purple necklace.  For two years, everytime I wear it, and he sees it, he tells me: "You wore that for me, didn't you?!"  Whenever I wear a necklace I unconciously grab it and hold my neck.  I can feel the necklace on my skin.  The making of it.  The shape and stones of it.  I decided that is what I will do.  Where his favorite necklace everyday, and when I touch it, it will remind me to pray for him...

Caleb is worried he won't see him play cards for a long time.  He worries he won't remember him...

I'll probably write more and edit this as time goes on.  If you actually did read this blurp on the computer screen, could you please pray for my friend, Steve?  Thanks...  

Impact

I remember things from my childhood.  I think my youngest memory would have been when I was under the age of one.  I was crawling then I sat down, on my bottom, and looked around.  I faintly remember the curtains, the light streaming through it.  I remember the texture of the carpet under my baby hands.  I remember voices in a room behind me.  I can even feel the warm breeze blowing through my soft chicken-fuzz blonde hair.  You get the idea.  I can remember bits and pieces of my life pretty much since age 1.  And it continues that way through the age of actually "old enough" to remember.  I remember the last time I ever saw my Grandpa.  Its so vivid a memory, I can even hear his voice, see the Basketball game on TV, smell his rugged scent, and taste the orange in my mouth. 

Yesterday I was able to talk to my friend Jaime on the phone.  She had just gotten back from Ethiopia at the beginning of this week, and I was "chomping at the bit" so to say, to talk to her.  I wanted to know EVERYTHING!  Good or bad, I didn't care.  I had been there in Spirit with her, but I had wanted to be actually there with her.  I couldn't wait to hear her adventures!  I smiled as she talked about the red dirt roads of Asosa.  I laughed as she talked about her hotel room there.  And then I asked about the kids.  You remember the 5 kids, Jaime and I came home loving and desperately trying to find a home for.  These 5 kids opened our eyes to so many things.  We spent most of our trip heading over to there orphanage playing with them while they ingrained love into our hearts.  Well she had traveled by plane all the way to Asosa, near the Sudan border, to see these kids.  She figured they wouldn't remember her, but she wanted to be their "Momma" for 3 more days while they continue to wait.  And then Jaime told me something that stopped me dead in my tracks.  No more laughing about the hotel, no more smiling about the red dirt road (Which gives the Brooks & Dunn lyrics more meaning ;0)) but at a complete stand still.  When she asked if they remembered her, B said: "Yes I remember you.  Your friend and you stayed so long one night we fell asleep on your laps." 

That friend was me.  Jaime and I in our most best day ever in Ethiopia.  That same day was June 2nd of this year.  We had stayed back at Addis Ababa while the rest of our crew headed to Awassa.  But our hearts were with the kids at the orphanage, so thats where we would stay.  And stay we did.  Late into the night that day.  We had spent the day, painting their faces, and they would paint ours.  We had a coffee ceremony with the nannies and children.  We sat on a matress with the kids as they fed us popcorn, and Jaime and I agreed right there, there was no other place we would want to be but right there.  At that moment.  We felt love.  We felt God...

We came home and laughed about that night.  (A secret about bugs.)  We yearned for that memory of the popcorn on the mattress.  But we had no idea that the children would remember it too.  That they themselves would hold onto it as a treasured memory.  The love and attention of 2 mommies.  Two mommies that held them as they slept.  That when they are lonely they think back about that day and wonder when they will come back.  When he said, "Yes I remember you. Your friend and you stayed so long one night we fell asleep on your laps", that for me was profound. 

For a long time, I have wondered if these mini trips I go on really do make a difference.  Or if they cause more pain than good.  But that one statement from a boy on the other side of the ocean, has impacted me.  Maybe we all shared a moment on that mattress, 6 months ago.  They say God is with those who need Him.  Maybe we really were there with God after all...

Really?! Two years already?!!

 Two years ago I received a phone call about a teeny tiny girl, waiting in an orphanage, needing a family.

(Is that really me?!!!)

 Her name was Yohanna, meaning Gift of God's Grace.

Hard to believe we have been saying her name for two years now.  What an amazing blessing she has been to us and those who have gotten to know her.  She is a fighter.  Strong in everyway.  Just ask her brothers! ;)  Her spirit is full of love.  She is the only one of my children who thanks me, when I place food in front of her.  Every meal.  Full of thanks.  And thats how she is.  Love and Thankfulness.  She has taught me more about myself, and made me a better mom.  Happy Referralversary Yohanna.  Mommy loves you!!!